05x03 - R.N. on the Rebound

[bunniefuu]

Hey! You're missin'
the best one!

Boy...

That was somethin'.

You know what the one problem
with tractor pulls is?

They always come to an end.

Well...
I'm really getting very tired.

Hey, no problem!
I'll go make us some coffee.

- I was afraid of that.
- Poor Laverne.

She really hates going back
to that empty apartment.

Yeah. Ever since her divorce
she's been over here so much,

it's like she's turned
into the sister I never had.

The one I like.

I mean, I sure do feel
for Laverne.

But I'm so tired!

Can't you two get her a date
or something?

Well, I tried to fix her up
with somebody,

but every time that I bring...

I can tell from
the sounds of silence

y'all are talkin' about me,
now spill it.

You know, Laverne...

I have a fella for you.

He makes his living
traveling around

with those renaissance fairs.

You know where they recreate
medieval times?

He sells those big Turkey legs.

Wendell is his name,
Wendell poobly.

And I think that he
would be perfect...

Lordy! I almost thought you's
serious there for a minute.

Well, Laverne, it probably
wouldn't be a bad idea

for you to get back out there
and start dating again.

No, thank you. No datin'.
I have learned my lesson.

- What lesson is that?
- When I met my Nick,

it was true love.
Love at first sight.

Then one day...
Pff! Divorce.

So now I know
the stages of romance:

First you're single, then you're
married, then you're single.

Hell, I'm single now.
Who needs the middle man?

♪ That's something
I will never be...

♪ ...for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Patrick!

Where are you taking me?

It's a surprise!

This is how my friend
Julie's husband proposed.

He made her close her eyes,
and when she opened them,

there was the most exquisite...

Big... thing!

Bearing no resemblance
to a ring whatsoever.

Patrick, what is this?

Ta-da!

I call it "nostalgia."

I wanted you to be the first
to see it 'cause I knew

I could trust you to give my
your honest opinion.

Patrick... do you really want
my honest opinion?

Yeah!

I'm sorry, honey.

It doesn't do anything for me.

Nostalgia!

Don't you get it?

Nostalgia!

You have to wallow in it!

Let it wash over you.

Nostalgia!

I'm sorry, I don't care for it.

You know what that tells me?

That tells me that you're afraid
to like this piece.

It scares you to dredge up
old memories from the deepest,

darkest secrets
of your painful childhood.

No, I love doing that.

I just don't like this piece.

Maybe it's just over your head.

Over my head?

Hey, kids!

Cool!

Did you do this?

Yeah, you like it?

I love it!

It gives me
the weirdest feeling.

You know when you kinda
think back to the good old days

and your happy you had 'em?

But at the same time,
you're sad they're gone.

At last!
Someone with a clue.

I don't believe this!

Charley, what makes you think
you know anything about art?

You get around,
you pick things up.

You get a sh*t, it goes away.

You know, I got a lot
more stuff here, Charley.

It'd be a pleasure to show it to
someone who can appreciate it.

I'm not just a sprinkler man,
you know.

What do you think?

I really like the way
it's sort of rough and smooth

all at the same time.

Kinda like life,
when you think about it.

Exactly!

You can't just look at it, kid

you gotta let it wash over you.

- Hi, Laverne.
- Hi, Laverne?

What's that supposed to mean?

This is some sort of
blind date thing, ain't it?

Your daddy put you up to this,
didn't he?

Laverne, no!
No, no!

Yeah.

I told him we couldn't fool you.

Barbara, what a surprise!

Now listen up,

'cause I'm gonna tell y'all
just one more time.

I don't want a date,
I don't need a date.

Fine, fine, fine...

All right,
now pay attention to me here.

My man, I want you to remember,

if you fall off
your bicycle again,

you get up
and get right back on.

Otherwise, you'll spend
the rest of your life

walking along
the side of the road.

All alone.

While the rest of the world
pedals by.

What bicycle?

I was here
for a sinus infection.

So what's the deal on this date?

Laverne,
it wouldn't be like a date-date,

it would just be four people
going out.

Me and Danny and you,
and this guy I know from work.

Gibby.
He's from New Jersey.

Gibby?

Boy, 'em Yankees
got some funny name!

Wait till I tell aunt dorthula.

Hey, Laverne, gibby is great!

He's the coroner's assistant.

So naturally, he's got
the craziest sense of humor.

The coroner's assistant?

Yeah!
He's the life of the morgue.

If I go on this one date, will
you two get off my damn back?

Absolutely.

Okay. But I ain't a-promisin'
to be no fun.

I may not say a word
the whole evenin'.

Course in his line of work,
I guess he's used to that.

Hi, Barbara! I was so nervous,
I just couldn't wait

so I come on over.

- Laverne, you look great!
- Great?

Now this gibby fella's
gonna think I'm hot to trot.

Don't be silly.

- Hey! Hi!
- You look hot to trot!

That's it!
Date's off!

Now, Laverne, would you relax?

There is nothing
to be nervous about.

You remember what daddy said?

Dating is like riding a bicycle,
you never forget how.

Easy for you to say,
miss tour de France.

Sorry... nerves.

Okay, let's rock and roll!

God, I'm just so head up,

I could pass out
at this guy's feet.

I should've brought
my smellin' salts.

Don't worry,
you can always sniff

the formaldehyde off his hands.

Have a great time!

All right, dreyfie.

Daddy... I'm having
a problem with Patrick.

The last four days he's formed
this weird bond with Charley.

Honey...

Any bond with Charley
is going to be weird.

But he's spending
all his time with Charley.

Talking about art.

Sounds like you're jealous.
I mean, after all,

you can't expect Patrick
to spend all his time with you.

- Why not?
- Because...

You'll get on each
others nerves.

But before I met Patrick
I spent all my time with you

and we didn't
get on each other's nerves.

I mean, I can understand him
needing a little friend...

But Charley?

Honey, honey, honey,
listen to me...

Patrick is his own man.

The more you try to control him,

the faster you're gonna drive
him right into Charley's arms.

Why don't you just kind of
go with the flow a little?

Get in there, join in.

For my money,
when it came to colors,

the renaissance painters
were a league of their own!

True, very true.

Patrick, Charley...

Would you mind if I joined you?

- That'd be great!
- Yeah, I guess so.

As I was saying,

those renaissance guys
were incredible.

I mean, nobody else
even came close

to capturing the subtle glow
of virgin Hooters.

Laverne, I tried calling you
all day Sunday.

How was your date?

Well, didn't Barbara tell ya?

She hasn't come home yet.

Doctor, I am never goin'
on another blind date

as long as I live.

You had a pretty bad time?

Hell, no!
I had a great time!

- Ho ho!
- I mean it in the most

morally upright way,
Dr. Trashbrain.

Wait a minute, you just said

the reason I am never goin'
on another date

is because
there's no need to now.

I'm off the market.

I have found me my man.

The new improved love
of my life.

The coroner's assistant?

Till death do us part.

Maybe not even then!

Let me get this straight...

Barbara's friend gibby,
the coroner's assistant

who you met for the first time
Saturday night

is the love of your life?

Yep... and, doctor, I can't
tell you how good it feels

to be out of the dating game.

You were never even in it!

Laverne, listen,
you better slow down!

Look, I'm telling you, these
rebound romances are very risky.

Don't insult me.
This is not a rebound romance.

It's true love.

True love? What do you even
know about this guy?

Well, I know he's a gentleman

who spent all evenin'
openin' up doors for me.

Okay, so he's polite!
What else?

Well, I know
we both hate green beans

and our favorite movie
is Ernest goes to camp.

Laverne, you could have
all those things in common

with practically anybody!

With the exception
of Ernest goes to camp.

Yeah? Well,
gibby's father and my daddy

have the exact same birthday,
now what do you make of that?

It's an interesting coincidence.

I get it.

You're gonna miss havin' me

hangin' around your house
all the time, aren't ya?

No!

I mean, I mean, I mean,
that's not it.

Sure it's not.

- Well, it's... it's not.
- Doctor...

It's not!

Doctor, you know, you were right

about givin' love another
chance, and well,

you know
how I hate mushy stuff, but

thanks.

It's not!

Well, what do you think,
Charley?

Makes me sad.

Exactly.
Sad.

Well, it's more than sad,
it's morose.

It's bleak, it's despairing.

It's suicidal.

I wouldn't go that far.

Maybe that's just me
I'm talking about.

No, I will not run screaming
from the gallery.

I will put up with Charley
for the sake of my relationship.

Thanks for your insights,
Mr. Dietz.

I don't think
I've ever met anyone

with such an instinctual grasp
of the artist's intentions.

I may not know much,
but I know some.

Who was that crackpot?

The artist.

Figures.

How can you say that?
Get real!

This piece is brilliant.

This? This looks like a
fifteenth-century pizza cutter.

You're entitled to your opinion

you're right.
I am entitled to my opinion,

and in my opinion, this stinks.

What are you talking about?
Back me up here, Charley.

I'm with Carol.
It stinks.

See? What?

You just told the artist

it stirred
powerful feelings in you.

Yeah... stinky feelings.
I hate it.

You' crazy! It's dynamic.
It's cutting-edge. It's

it's a big, smelly thing.
Pee-ew!

Well, I suppose the sprinkler
man is entitled to his opinion.

Hey, who are you callin'
a sprinkler man?

Any guy who makes his living

hooking up pipes
to water people's lawns.

That's it. Carol,

I don't know how you put up
with this idiot.

Me?

Pff...

I'm bored.

Let's go to 7-Eleven
and touch all the hot dogs.

- Hey, Barbara!
- Ssh!

Where's Laverne?

She's around here somewhere.

Why are we whispering?

Daddy, you know that guy
I fixed her up with?

Gibby? She hasn't talked
about anything else all day.

Sounds like you did a pretty
good job of matchmaking.

Yeah, well...
Daddy, you're in trouble.

I am?

Yes! I heard some things
about gibby today at work.

Things that you have
to tell Laverne.

Why? Why me?

Because this is all your fault!

I only set her up so you'd
quit giving me those looks.

So this gibby has a few flaws.

I can work around imperfection.
You're a-livin' proof of that.

Laverne, he has
three children, maybe four.

So he likes kids.
That's good.

He's never married
the children's mother.

How do you know he didn't ask
to marry her and she refused?

Laverne, I think he still may
be involved with the woman.

Well, obviously not enough
to marry her.

- Laverne! What do you...
- Don't Laverne me!

I'm gonna hold on to my man
this time

even if it means makin'
a few compromises.

But he's not your man!

You hardly even know him!
Laverne, don't you see?

You're talking yourself into
the first guy who came along.

Doctor, when you're
a drownin' woman,

you don't pass up
a yellow life raft

because you'd prefer a red one.

Well, I think
you're making a big mistake.

The only mistake I made

was lettin' my employer in
on my personal life.

Laverne, look...

Okay, look, I'm sorry...
- Well, so am I.

But from now on if you wanna
stay up till all hours

a-playin' pinochle,
you'll have to do it without me.

I'm gonna hold you to that!

See, I knew you'd pick
a fun place.

We have a lot in common.

No matter what some people say.

I'm glad you called, Laverne.

I needed to unwind tonight.

Things have really been
piling up at the morgue.

Yeah, I heard about
that bus wreck. Sorry.

Don't be.
I needed the overtime.

You!

Hey, maybe after dinner
we can go out dancing,

and then I know
a great after-hours club.

After-hours club?

Or maybe you'd rather go
to one of those kicker bars

♪ your cheatin' heart

geez.

Yeah, I guess they do
kinda sound like that sometimes.

Listen gibby...

I don't mean to pry,

but I heard
some ugly gossip about you.

Then it must be true.

I heard that you was the father
of three or four young'uns.

- That's a lie.
- I knew it!

There's just two...
That I know about anyway.

I see.

Well, that wouldn't be
my first choice,

but hey, I can compromise.

"Judge not
lest ye be judged."

So are you still sleepin'
with that slut or what?

Sorry.

Laverne...
You shouldn't be so jealous.

You're right.

I'll change.

I mean, Donna's the mother
of my children

and you and me,
we hardly know each other.

I wish people would
stop sayin' that!

We do too!
We know each other just fine!

We're soul mates!

Laverne and...

Fella.

Your name, it just popped
right outta my head.

But hold on it'll come back.

- Gibby.
- No, that's not it.

Laverne, are you all right?

Gibby...

This isn't gonna work out.

Because I have kids?

Hey, consider 'em gone.

I just realized...

You ain't no red life raft.

Hell, you ain't even
a yellow life raft.

You're just some ol' styrofoam
kickboard the dog chewed up.

I'm glad we told Charley
we were busy tonight.

Me too.

And I'm really sorry if you
feel that I insulted your work.

Don't be. I asked
for your honest opinion.

And I got it.

You know, Patrick.

A love as special as ours
can survive anything.

Even honesty.

Now... taste this.

I made it for you special.

What do you think?

Honestly?

Honestly?

I hate it.

Fine.
I'll give it to Charley.

He may not know much,
but he knows some.

Come on, dreyf.

Tonight we go to bed
at a reasonable hour.

Or not.

How 'bout a quick round
of parcheesi?

- Where's gibby?
- Who?

Come on in.

Doctor,

remember what I said
about gibby bein' my true love?

Well, I was wrong.

I know.

And remember what I said
about never datin' again?

Well, I was right.

I am never datin' again.

From now on, you can call me
"the spinster Todd."

Laverne, you're not a spinster.

Well, I ain't
a very gay divorcee.

I know, I know, I know...

God, I feel so stupid goin'
off the deep end like that.

But doctor...

How do you date?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean...

When I met Nick,
I wasn't but 15 year old.

Up till then, I didn't have too
much interest in boys, and then

well, Nick and I was in love,
and then we was engaged.

And then we was married,
and then...

Well, the rest is a matter of
public record, but my point is

I know how to be in love,
and I know how to be married,

but I don't know
how to go out with someone

and just not care
one way or the other.

- You'll learn.
- Laverne...

Listen, maybe... Maybe
you should practice on somebody

who is so totally wrong for you

that there isn't a chance in the
world that you'll fall for him.

How am I gon' find
someone worse than gibby?

Hey, guys!

I can't believe all the
others went up to sleep.

Well.

Okay... your turn...

You ain't very good at this,
are you?

You're gettin' better!
Hey! Hey!



Go ahead. Come on.

Show me what you can do.

Come on. Come on, one time.
Come on.

Come on.

You too?

Way off boot.