05x02 - Take My Garage, Please

[bunniefuu]

I don't believe it.
He's doing it.

Is Mr. Hetzel's leaf-blower
blowing open his robe again?

Yes, yes.

That's not
what I'm talking about.

Come on, Dreyf! Come on!

That's a boy! Come on!

Come on! Come on!
Dreyf!

Daddy, you've been trying
for years to get him

to bring in the paper,
he'll never do it.

He did it! Look at this!
Dreyf, what a big boy!

You did it!
I told you he could do it.

Alright... give me the...
Let go!

Come on, let go! Dreyf!
Dreyf!

Be careful,
you're gonna hurt him!

I'm not going to hurt him!

I was talking
to Dreyfuss, daddy.

Hey. Hey, Dreyf! Sit!
Paper.

Smart dog.

Excuse me, Patrick.

How are things going
with the sprinklers?

Why are you always asking me
about the sprinklers?

Because you're
the sprinkler man.

Yeah, what exactly are you
doing in here?

How come you're always inside,

when the lawn is outside?

Because the air conditioning
is inside,

and the heat is outside.

By the way, somebody should call
the cops on that hetzel guy

with the leaf-blower.
I just woke up,

I don't need to look at that.

I was in the yard today
and there was supposed to be

a soaker in my herb garden.

Yeah, I changed my mind,
I put in a fan spray.

But the plans called
for a soaker.

I don't go by plans, Harry.

Then what did I pay you
$1,200 for?

The plans are just
a jumping-off point.

Let me put it to you this way.

My grass is brown.

Harry, I know what I'm doing.

I don't tell you how
to be a pediatrician.

At least my patients
are growing!

Daddy, I don't trust this guy.

Maybe you ought to go out
and check his work.

Yeah, go out and check.

Damn right, I'm gonna check.

Wish I knew
what I was checking for.

But I'm going to check anyway.

Patrick, we have to stop this.

Daddy'll see us.

So let him.
What are we sneaking around for?

Why don't we just tell him?

Well, for one thing,
he doesn't like you.

And the sex
is much hotter this way.

Let's never tell him.

Hey Patrick,
you're nozzle's showing.

You haven't told daddy,
have you?

- No!
- I can tell.

The kiss was hot.

You guys are better
than a soap opera.

"Stay tuned for the latest
in the sneaky affair

"between the proud but arrogant
sprinkler man,

and the doctor's pretentious
but horny daughter."

First of all,
I am no longer horny.

And second of all,
Patrick is not a sprinkler man,

he's an artist,

and he's not just an artist,
he's a sculptor,

a great sculptor.
- Carol...

How many times have I told you?

Until I'm recognized
by the artistic community,

I cannot call myself an artist.

Well, sure you can, honey!
You can have cards printed up.

They cost about eight dollars.

Yeah, that's how she became
a caterer.

Patrick, I don't care
what you say,

you are an artist.

Nobody calls me an artist
until I call me an artist.

I could sell
a million sculptures,

I still wouldn't be an artist
until I felt it in my bowels!

I love him so much.

This is a man, Barbara.

This is a nut, Carol.

Yeah, alright,
good bye, Mr. Hetzel!

No, don't... Don't wave!

God.

So, how did those sprinklers
check out, Harry?

Alright, Patrick,
I have to admit

that I think what you did
with the sprinklers was right.

So from now on,
I'm gonna trust you.

Makin' a big mistake.

What is that supposed to mean?

Yeah, what the hell.

Harry, something has been
going on around here

that I should talk to you about.

Hold it!

I was afraid
this was gonna happen.

I could tell the way you two
were looking at each other,

how you held the hose for her
when she took a drink.

Guys are always falling
in love with Barbara.

Daddy! It's me! Me!

He loves me,
not Barbara! Me!

You?

That was my second guess!

You like him?

Something about his bowels.

Isn't it wonderful, daddy?

Not really.

So...

How long have you two
been dating?

God, daddy, we've been
doing much more than dating.

Carol, please,

I don't have to know everything
that's going on here.

What's going on here?

Daddy, Patrick has asked me
to live with him.

Wh... wh... what?

...He asked you to live?

You two? Together?

Harry, it's simple.
I love her,

and I want to live with her.

And I love him too, daddy.

Come on, you know,
this is kind of a big thing.

Sort of a funny feeling
to think of you leaving home.

It's not a bad feeling,
just sort of a funny feeling.

Listen... excuse me, I think Patrick
and I should have a little talk.

- I understand.
- The "intentions" talk.

So you...
Wanna live with Carol.

Geez, I don't know!

Sometimes it feels right,
sometimes it doesn't.

You take your chances.
It's one big crapshoot, right?

That's very reassuring.

So, what are you gonna do?
Where are you going to live?

Man! This is
the "intentions" talk, isn't it?

It's no big deal,
we're just moving in together.

It's not like we're
getting married.

This just gets better.

Now, tell me, how are you
gonna pay the bills? I mean,

how is a sprinkler man
gonna be able to support a woman

who hasn't paid for her own
dry-cleaning in... In...

She has never paid
for her dry-cleaning.

I don't care about bills, Harry.

I'm not just a sprinkler-man.
I'm an artist!

The good news just keep
rolling in.

I don't concern myself
with day-to-day things.

I'm concerned about life.
About living!

You're completely broke,
aren't you?

Now let me get this straight,
doctor.

Carol is finally movin' out
of the house?

Well, you must be tickled pink.

No, not really,
I'm gonna miss her.

I'm not surprised,

she was around
longer than Johnny Carson.

Only by a year and a half.

Well, I'm real happy for Carol.

It's good to see that some
relationships work out.

Nick called last night
from Japan.

Things still the same?

He's still an out-fielder.

He's stayin'
with the Osaka hens.

And with her.

Laverne, you've got to get on
with your life, dear. Let it go.

You're right.

The lord giveth,
and the lord taketh away.

What?

Well, Carol is movin' out
with Patrick, and...

Nick has moved in
with taka suma.

Well, he'll get his.

She'll probably run off
and leave him

for one of them big fat
wrestlers in a diaper.

- Hi.
- Hey, Carol!

I just heard the wonderful news!

Your daddy says you just got
yourself a terrific fella!

I'm very happy for you!

What's wrong?

No, no, she'll be all right.

Daddy, it looks like
I can't move out.

- That's...
- What happened?

Well, I can't move in
with Patrick yet,

they're converting his apartment
into a condemned building.

So?

Well, he's gonna move
in with a bunch of guys,

and I'll stay home while
we look for our own place.

Is it all right if Patrick
moves some of his stuff

into our garage?

Yeah, I guess so.

Aw, thank you, daddy!
Thank you!

Daddy, I love him so much.

And do you know how I know
I love Patrick?

Because I don't care
what people think.

I don't care what you think,
I don't care what anyone thinks!

Fine, dear.

Why don't you like him, daddy?

It's heavy!
- Careful. Right here.

There.

Carol,
I'm really gonna miss you.

So, how soon can you move out?

I don't know,
apartments are very expensive.

I'll loan you the money!

You don't have any money.

I'll borrow it.

Barbara, please, I'm feeling
insecure enough today.

About what?

You're not having
second thoughts

about Patrick, are you?

Why? What did you hear?

Nothing! But you're not
having second thoughts,

or you'd tell me, right?
- I didn't say anything.

- I know.
- Then where did you hear

he didn't like me?

Carol, I don't
want to upset you.

But you've never been happier.

Maybe that's the problem.

I'm so happy with Patrick,
I'm afraid it's gonna end.

Well, why would it end?

Don't think about
what's gonna happen,

just stay with being happy.

Yeah. I've heard of people
who do that.

Carol, do you realize
how lucky you are?

You've got a family
that loves you,

a guy who's crazy about you.

You're nuts.

But you're a nice person,
you deserve to be happy.

And happy people should
keep moving.

- Hey, Barb! Ready to go?
- Ready.

Hey, congratulations, Carol.

I hear you finally bagged a guy.

What did you use?
A tranquilizer g*n?

Where's the beer?

Charley! Stay out of there,
that's Patrick's.

Going for a ride later, Carol?

Hey, Patrick!
- Hey, Charlie.

Does she get better-looking
every day, or what?

You are a lucky fella.

I can't tell you how many times
Carol's been there for me,

helped me out, you've got
a great little filly here.

All right Charlie, come on,

we're going to be late
to the dolphin game.

You better hurry, Charley.

The first 50 morons
get in for free.

Ouch, Carol.

That one didn't feel like play.

I don't get it.

You keep saying he takes sh*ts
at you, but I don't hear them.

That's because he only says
nice things to me

when you're around,
it's all part of his plan.

What plan?

He keeps saying
nice things about me

to get me upset,
to make me crazy.

Have you changed shrinks again?

Patrick, please!

Carol, come on.
Forget about Charley.

Come on, who cares what he says?

You're going to be out of here
pretty soon anyway.

Yeah, if we can ever find
a decent apartment.

Everything's so expensive!

I know, it's gonna be tough
finding a nice place.

It doesn't matter, Patrick.
I would love you anywhere.

Even in a garage?

Especially in a garage.

Hi, daddy!
What are you watching?

The Harlem globetrotters.

On gilligan's island?

Daddy, is it all right
if we move

one more thing into the garage?

I guess so, dear. What?

Patrick.

Daddy, you're being very
old-fashioned.

Someone in this house has to be!

Hey, what's up?

Carol says you wanna
move in here.

What?

- Patrick, we talked about this.
- No.

I didn't talk about it, you did.

Carol, it drives me crazy

when you put words
into my mouth.

It's like having this worm
inside my ear that's just...

Eating through the lining
of my self-respect,

until there's, like,
nothing left

but this slimy trail
of humiliation!

I love him so much.

So you're not gonna
move in here?

Well, I didn't say that.

Who could tell?

But if I did move in, I'd expect

the same financial arrangement
as Carol and Barbara.

You want an allowance?

Well, I'm sorry,
I forgot anybody was in there.

I felt like I just pulled
into an x-rated drive in.

Come on, Harry,
we agreed that I could move in

and Carol and I
would be together.

Together!

But separate!

You would be in the garage,

my daughter would be
in her room!

You just don't want us
to have sex.

I do want you to have sex.

No, I don't!

I mean...

I don't care if you have sex.

Well, if you don't care,
then why were you so upset?

I think what your father means

is that it's okay
for us to see each other,

as long as he doesn't see us
seeing each other.

Maybe.

Daddy, I don't get it.
How are we supposed to do that?

I don't know, I don't know!

I just know I don't wanna
walk in on you again...

Or drive in on you again.

My god...

I could have
run you over in bed!

Well, I'm putting an end
to this right now.

Right now.
That's it, that's it.

There are going to be rules
in this house.

Definite rules.
- He loves rules.

Daddy, you cannot regulate
spontaneous behavior.

I can if I want to,
it's my house!

This is getting
way too complicated!

Not if we have rules.

What kind of rules?

Well...

You can let me know when
you're going to be in there.

How?

I don't know, leave me a note!

Leave you a note?

Well, I need something,

I don't know, a light, a buzz,

I don't know, maybe a bell.

A bell!

Great, we ring a bell,
and every time we're having sex,

the whole neighborhood knows.

Daddy, you're talking crazy!

I know I'm talking crazy.

I'm feeling crazy!

I'm not happy
with this arrangement.

I don't like it.

You know,
I don't like it either.

I'm moving out of here.

- Good!
- Daddy!

Patrick, you don't have
to leave.

Forget it, this isn't working,

I'm gonna pack up my stuff.

- Fine, pack.
- Fine, I will!

Thanks a lot, daddy.

You've just ruined the last half
of my entire life.

Patrick!

Yeah, thank you,
that's a good boy.

Thank you, Dreyf,
that's real good, that's real...

But we don't get
the New York times.

Did I wake you?

Did I hit you?

Barbara, what am I gonna do?

Carol, Patrick
is just moving out,

it's not over between you.

You've talked to him,
what does he say?

He said, "I'm just moving out,
it's not over between us."

Would you try believing
one of us?

Now get off me!

That's not it, it's daddy.

I can't get over
the way he's behaving.

You know what would fix him?

If I moved out,

and then you moved out,
that would show him!

- Yeah, that would show him.
- He'd be here all alone

with Dreyfuss, happy as a clam.

You don't care what
happens to me. Do you?

You're always taking
daddy's side!

Carol, come on.

Do I have an advocate
in this house? No!

I've never been so miser...

Aren't these
my Lily lemon sheets?

You said you were moving out,

so I just assumed
I could have them.

I don't see how I can live
here with daddy,

knowing how he feels.

Barbara...

What would you do
if you were me?

For starters,
I'd brush my teeth.

So, what did Patrick say
last night? Is he gonna stay?

I don't know, he said
something about a worm,

and something about his bowels,
and I stopped listening.

It's tragic the way these
things tear families apart.

Can I have
your hash browns, Harry?

Carol's not even talking to me.

You're lucky.

If you ask me,
it's all Carol's fault.

She's one of these modern babes.

They like to vote,
they like to elect each other.

She scared Patrick off.

That's not
what happened, Charley.

Those two seem so right
for each other.

You know, I could really picture
them together.

Actually, I have pictures
of them together.

Daddy...

Don't take this personally,

but I'm moving out
because of you.

Harry, I thought...

Carol! What are you doing
with those suitcases?

I'm moving out to be with you.

I don't care if we have to live
in the sleaziest,

most cockroach-infested motel
in the city!

But I'm moving back in
to be with you!

Thank god, I was bluffing.

Harry, I'm glad we talked
last night.

- You two talked?
- That's beautiful!

Yeah, we had a good talk.

At first, we didn't connect.

You know, I had to get
into Harry's head.

So I just burrowed
into his brain

just to see what it was like

in the miasma of his grey,
gooey matter.

It was an incredible journey.

We talked for two minutes,
when did you make this trip?

Daddy, are you really alright
with Patrick moving in?

I don't know, I'll have
to roll it around

in my gooey matter.

Here we go.

Dreyf, what a...
What a good boy! Look at you!

And you got the right paper!
This is gonna be a great day!

Good morning, daddy!

Good morning, sweetheart!

- Hey, Harry, what's up?
- Morning, Charles.

- Hi, daddy.
- Good morning, sweetheart.

Hi.

Yeah...

Can I have a section
of the paper?

Here's the classifieds.

Perfect!

I can look for an apartment!

Carol,
those pancakes were great.

The best I ever tasted.

This lady is going to become
a great culinary artist.

Do you see that?
He's putting me down again!

Right.

I gotta go.

I got another job down
the street.

See you later, babe.
Bye.

You know, Carol...

You don't need to wear
make-up in the morning, do you?

But I am wearing make-up.

It doesn't help.
That's why you don't need it.