04x11 - If You Knew Andy Like I Know...

[bunniefuu]

Carol Do I look like an old man? Not completely.

That's the best you can do? I can't believe I'm going to be interviewing Roger Elliot's son! Well, I hope you hire him, daddy.

It's about time you got an associate.

I mean, how can that little kid be a doctor? Seems like it was five minutes ago, his father and I were in medical school together.

Where does the time go? I know what you mean, daddy.

It seems like just yesterday, I was sitting on your knee, crying like a baby.

That was yesterday, dear.

Hey, Carol, I just got a couple of extra tickets to the Miami sound machine concert.

Do you and Randy want to go? Ugh, Randy is no more.

He committed an act so heinous, I had to break it off.


- What did he do?
- He ordered veal.

Oh, my god! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Carol.

You, you broke up with a man because he ordered veal? Daddy, it's just a short step from that to clubbing baby seals, to forgetting my birthday.

Carol, did you ever stop to think that maybe you're being just a little bit too critical? I mean, you have your shortcomings, too, you know.

Like what?
- Oh
- I'll take this one.

You're whiny, and you're a snob.


- Daddy!
- All right, now just I refuse to take that from somebody who thinks that arby's is haute cuisine.

Carol, the point is, you've got to give a person a chance if you ever expect a relationship to work.

You're probably right, daddy.

And I'll keep that in mind, if I ever have another date.


- What happened to Robert?
- Ugh, Robert is no more.

What did he do, eat a whooping crane? Daddy! All right, that's Now, you stop it.

We're going to settle this thing between the two of you once and for all.

Are you going to take her side again, daddy? No, but it's tempting.

Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one
- one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on Now, it's my first anatomy class.

They roll in the cadaver.

I pull back the sheet.

Suddenly, it sits up.

It's your father.

I jump ten feet in the air.

You see this hair? That's when it turned white.

Your father and I, we had such great times together.

Yeah, my father still talks about the time you dressed up as a candy striper and snuck into the nurse yeah, those were the days.

Anyway, um Andrew, you've got great credentials and some outstanding internship.

Come on, tell me, how do you How do you feel about working with me? I'd consider myself the luckiest guy in the world.

Consider yourself lucky.

Ah, really? This is great.

Do you mind if I call my dad and tell him? No, no, you go ahead.

And you tell him that just because he's your father doesn't mean I'm not going to work your butt off.

I don't mind.

To work with you, doctor Weston, I'd give you my firstborn.

My firstborn is trouble enough.

Laverne, Andrew's going to be joining the practice.

Well, it sure is gon' be different with another doctor in the office.

Now, look, just because he's Roger's son, I don't want you giving him any special treatment.

Don't you worry, doctor.

I'll treat him like I treat anybody.

Don't do that either, please.


- Oh, how's your dad?
- He's fine.

He said to ask you about the cold stethoscope and the IRS lady? What's that all about, doctor Weston? He felt I'll tell you when you're older.

Well, Laverne, I'm I'm looking forward to us working together.

Well, me, too.

Office opens at 9:00 sharp.

I make the coffee, I make the appointments, I make the rules.

Well, good, 'cause I make the fun.

Oh! What's that? A shiny new quarter, huh? Rule number one, don't ever do that again.

Come on! I'll give you the grand tour.

Over here is the files.

Over here is the storage room.

Where's my office going to be? Please hold all questions till end of tour.

Hi, daddy.

Ready for lunch? Yeah, baby, yeah.

I just want to finish up a few things with Andrew, my new associate.

Oh, daddy, that's wonderful! Carol, how would you like to meet Andrew? Oh, no, daddy, forget it.

I have had it with fix
-ups.

Ooh, I don't know, dear.

I think, I think you'd like him.

He's got a great personality.

A great personality? Translation, he looks like Manuel noriega.

No, daddy.

I know that you said I was overly critical, but I think it's high time I started listening to you.

Uh, Andrew, this is, uh, my daughter, Carol.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Well, Andrew, Andrew, why don't you join us for lunch? Come on, we'll celebrate.

Well, I don't want to impose.


- No.


- Oh, no, Andrew, I'd be very hurt if you didn't impose.

We're going to my favorite little brasserie, le petit noisette.

Doctor Weston, in case I need to reach you, what is the name of the place? Le petit noisette, the little nut.

Perfect! So you have another date with Andrew tonight? Yes, I've seen him every night this week.

All right, what's wrong with him? Nothing, I've stopped being overly critical.

No, I mean, what's wrong with him that he wants to keep going out with you? Morning, westons.

Hey, Charley, how was your cruise? Best ever.

We had a stopover in the Caribbean, and I met a beautiful girl who took me to the coolest party I'd ever been to.

Did it top last years party, where you were bobbing for marital aids? Ah, it's too close to call.

This was some sort of confusing ritual.

Lulana and I marched up to a guy who said some mumbo jumbo, and then he had me give her a ring.

Wait a minute, Charley.

You gave her a ring?
- In a ceremony?
- Yeah.

And then lulana, who'd been like, real shy all night, was suddenly totally hot for the dietzster.

I hated to leave her.

Well, are you going to see her again? What did you say when you left? Well, Barbara, you don't end a beautiful, spiritually uplifting night with mere words.

You pry open a bathroom window, and you run like hell.

Charley, the whole thing sounds like some sort of wedding ceremony.

Oh, come on.

No, no, no, no, no.

Wait a minute.

Oh, this is outrageous.

Well, how dare they take advantage of a distinguished visitor.

And to think I danced in my underwear for those people.

Okay, kiddo.

There you go.

Okay, I think I figured out how you do this shell game.


- No way.


- Okay, do it.

Okay.

Okay, which one's it under? That one.

Gotcha! Beginner's luck.

All right, let's see how you do this time.

Daniel, we've done this before.

I know! That's why I don't want to do it again! Wait, it's just a little pinch.

I gave one to your baby sister last week.

She didn't even cry.

Then she's an idiot.


- Gotcha again.


- Big deal.

You do a trick enough times, any fool can get it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you off to, big guy? I want to go home.

No, no, not before you've seen doctor Andy's traveling magic show.

What magic show? See this little ball right here? I'm going to put it right under here, okay? Now, around, and around, and around it goes.

Where the little ball is, nobody knows.


- I know.


- Stay out of this.

Okay, so where's the little ball? It's easy, it's right here.

How'd you do that? Why don't you try it, okay? See if you can fool me.

I won't even look.

And I bet you, I can guess where it is.

Bet you can't.

I'm going to mix them up so good, you'll never guess.

Okay, and while you're doing that, I'm just going to give you a little sh*t, okay? There, done.

Wow, that didn't hurt at all! He gives better sh*ts than doctor Weston.

Mom, when I come back, can I see this guy? Can I? Well, sure, we want you to be happy here.

Yes! You don't have to be that happy.

Well, that was a great job, giving him that sh*t.

Oh, yeah.

The, uh, the magic stuff, it's kind of my hobby.

Seems to come in handy with the kids.

It sure does.

Shuts the little brats up every time.


- Andrew?
- Yeah? Is it just me, or is there some kind of chemistry between us? I don't know.

I think we should run some more tests.


- Andrew?
- Yeah?
- May I tell you something?
- Yeah.

I find you very attractive.

Thanks.

Can I tell you something? Go right ahead.

I work out four times a week.

I've been concentrating on my deltoids.

Oh.

Well, I work out, too, you know.

I do 40 minutes with free weights, Oh.

And then I go back to the free weights, and then back to the stairmaster,
- and then I
- Andrew.

Get back to me.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, here you go, kiddo.

Two of clubs, right? Right! Boy, is he good.

His whole deck is two of clubs.

Oh, you're late.

Too bad, you missed the 3:00 magic show.

Laverne, do you have a problem with doctor Elliot? I know he is your friend's son, but they is just somethin' about that man.

Now, I trust him about as far as I trust an accountant in a cornfield.

What? Take my word for it, it's a bad thing.

Okay.

I don't know if he's practicin' magic or medicine.

He spends half his time twistin' up balloons or showin' card tricks to the kids.

So? I do a little of that myself.

Oh, do you pull 20 feet of colored scarves out your nose? Or pretend to walk against the wind, like one of them white
-faced, French sissies.

Okay, all right, all right.

I admit that sometimes he goes a little too far, like throwing his voice and making Billy Johnson's rectal thermometer talk.

Well, that ain't all.

You ever notice how he calls all his patients "kiddo"? That's because he can't be bothered to remember their names! All right, Laverne, so he has something to learn.

That doesn't mean he's practicing poor medicine.

Okay, if you say so.

Boy, little Jimmy Collier sure needed a lot of tests.

Who? Oh, yeah, that kid's a real gold mine.


- Gold mine?
- Ha, yeah.

A couple more like that, and you've got yourself a tennis court.

Wait a minute.

That's not how I think of my patients.

Harry, all I meant was in this office, the kids come first.

If you're going to be part of this practice, you'd better get your priorities straight.


- Harry, take it easy.


- Fine.

As long as I made myself clear.

Yeah, I don't know what you're getting so hot about.

Their insurance companies pay for it anyway.

Just fire the sucker.

Just because he's my friend's son doesn't mean he gets any special treatment.

Laverne, it's not so simple.

I can't just let him go.

Then let me do it.

Doctor's office.

Yeah, just a moment.

It's Andrew's father.

Hi, Roger.

How are you? No, no, Andy's doing fine.

He's doing just fine.

No, no, no, I wouldn't cut him slack just because he's your boy.

Roger, Roger, I've got to go, I've got to go.

I have someone in the office who's having convulsions.

Hey, I thought you couldn't eat when you're in love.

Maybe I'm not in love.

Here we go.

I just don't know what the relationship is.

I mean, all Andrew talks about is himself.

Don't you think, by now, he would have asked something about me? Not if he's smart.

Carol, remember what daddy was saying about you being so critical and not giving guys a chance? Well, you've been doing great.

Just stick with it.

You're right.

I am not going to screw this up.

I keep looking for the perfect man, and I just have to realize he doesn't exist.

Morning, westons.

I give you exhibit "a".

Well, you guys were right about that party in the Caribbean.

It was a wedding ceremony.

I think they're out to get me.

Look what came in the mail.

A voodoo doll.

It's a little me.

How can you tell? It's got our food in its hand.

Well, that doesn't really matter, because I have a plan to defeat the forces of evil that are plotting to destroy me.

Barbara, make a note: "Send money to forces of evil.

" I really don't believe in all that voodoo stuff, but I decided to take one minor little precaution to take the curse off.

What's that? Well, I'm flying to the Caribbean, and I'm paying a witch doctor to dip me in bat dung.

Charley, save your money.

I'll do that for free.

Thanks for the offer, Carol, but I need a witch doctor.

Ow! You know, I can't believe we've only known each other such a short time.

Me, neither.

You know, I think that you know what I think? I think that you're wonderful, and this is going to be a perfect afternoon.

Oh, well, I'm glad you picked this place.

It's so
- romantic.

Ha, you took the words right out of my mouth
- Ha, ha.


- Again.

Did I mention that you make me laugh? Oh, and I love the way you laugh, the way your eyes crinkle up at the corners.

They're crinkled, already? I have crinkly eyes? I have some great news.

I did something so impulsive today.

I was thinking about you, and I bought something, something very special.

Yes? Close your eyes.

Give me your hand.

Oh, well, Andrew, we hardly know each other.

I couldn't possibly accept
- It's a BMW!
- For me? Well, no, for me, but it's midnight blue, uh, leather seats, chrome wheels.

You don't think it's too pretentious, do you? For you? No, not at all.

Oh, what's wrong now? You know, I thought you'd be happy for me.

You know, sometimes, Carol, I just don't know how you're going to react, how you're going to feel.

Well, how could you possibly know I'm going to feel? I mean, what do you know about me? Have you ever asked me anything about myself? I mean, where did I go to college? Did I go to college? Have I ever been married? Okay.

So I don't ask a lot of questions.

But, but I know I love the way your eyes sparkle whenever I enter a room.

The way you always ask about my day.

Oh, and I do know that you like chocolate mousse ice cream.

No, Andrew.

That's your favorite.

I thought you liked it too.

Andrew, one of two things is happening here.

Either I'm being overly critic of men again, or you are a fat
-headed, egotistical ass.

Carol, you're sure this isn't some sort of hormonal thing? You're smart.

You get the idea.

I have some upsetting news.

Doctor Elliot is late, real late.

Laverne, according to you, everybody's always late.

Well, either he's slackin' off, or something real bad's happened.

I hope not.

Laverne, let it go.

He's my friend's son.

He's dating my daughter.

Let's just drop it.

You're right, not another word.

You know what else he did? Laverne! Look, I had a long talk with Andrew.

I think I finally got through to him.

I think he understood me this time.

Doctor.

Ah, Daniel.

What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in school? Yeah, cool, huh? Oh, you're waiting for doctor Andy to give you your allergy sh*t.

Well, look, he's late.

How about I give it to you? Uh, no thanks.

I'll wait.

You are not going to believe the day that I have had.

To top it off, some jerk dings the door of my BMW.

I've been running around like crazy trying to find a good body shop.

Andrew, I'm very sorry to hear about your car, but you have a patient waiting for you for more than half an hour.

Oh, right, right.

Hi, kid.

Oh, yeah, yeah, what's he getting? You know, my allergy sh*t.

Right, right.

Do the shell thing like last time.

I think I figured it out.

I mean, how did he hit me? I was parked on the end parking place.

Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost me? Will you watch that needle, please? I'm sorry, Harry.

I'm sorry.

It's just got me upset.

Alright, let's go.

Do the shell thing! I want to see the shell game! You don't need it, all right? You had the sh*t.

It didn't hurt.

Now roll up your sleeve.

You've got a call, doctor Elliot, some body shop, a guy named Gunther on the phone.

Sounds real expensive.

I've got to take this.

Laverne, you tell doctor Elliot I want him in my office the second he gets off that phone.

Come on, Daniel.

It's comin', I feel it comin' Laverne said you wanted to see me?
- Yes, Andrew.


- And then she snickered.

Interesting woman.

One day I'd like to find out what makes her tick.

No, you wouldn't.

Please, sit down there.

You're upset, Harry.

Let me make you a giraffe.

I don't want a giraffe.

Is this about me and Carol? No, it's about you and me.

Andrew, uh, we've had several discussions, and evidently, I've not gotten through to you.

I mean, we just have different views of medicine.

Really, like what? For one thing, I like children.


- So do I.


- No, you don't.

You amuse them, you do for tricks for them, but I've got the feeling that you really don't like them.

Harry, I know I'm a good doctor.

That's what's so frustrating.

You know, you've got the talent, you've got the ability, you've got the training.

But you can't really be a good doctor, Andrew, unless you care for your patients.

I usually care.

I need someone who cares all the time.

Andrew, this is very difficult for me.

Your father's one of my dearest friends.


- Well, he loves you, Harry.


- Oh, god.

Well, be that as it may, Andrew, I'm afraid I have to let you go.

You mean, I'm fired.

Yeah.

I just hope that you've learned something from this experience, and I'm really very sorry that it's come to this.

Yeah, so am I.

But, hey, don't worry about me.

I'll be all right.

I just won't put it on my resume.

Good
-bye, Harry.

Bye.

Laverne, get Andrew's father on the phone for me, please.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Hi, daddy.

How was your day? Girls, when your mother and I talked about having children, uh, we thought it'd be a good idea to have more than one, so that when hard times hit, they'd be there for each other.

He's throwing us out, Carol.

Carol, you know, I know I gave you this big speech about not being too critical, about giving people a chance, but sometimes, regardless of how hard you try, things just don't work out.

You fired Andrew, didn't you, daddy? Barbara, round a bowl of peanut butter cups in the house.

Bring them to your sister.

Yes, uh, I did.

It's all right, daddy.

I broke up with Andrew.

Do I have to be here for this? I gave him a chance, but the man was a boob.

Well, Carol, I wouldn't say he was Yeah, boob about says it.

Well, you know, I think I'm going to put this associate thing on hold for a while.

You know, daddy, it's amazing that he took us both in.

I mean, you're older, you're wiser.

You should've seen right through him.

But daddy just worked with him.

Think about what you did with him.

I don't want to hear this.

Oh! Great, a tennis match.

Maybe agassi is playing.

I'll get it!