04x06 - The Dreyfuss Affair

[bunniefuu]

Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on
- Morning.


- Mm
-hm.

Hey, pop tarts! It's my lucky day! Great, Barbara.

Forget that there are now each with their own nuclear weapons.

You've got pop tarts.

They float in your milk.

Well, they're good, and we're doomed anyway.

Hey, dreyf! You want a doggy biscuit? Hm? Come on, dreyfy, weyfy.

Have a doggie, woggie biscuit! How come he doesn't want it? Maybe something's making him nauseous, Barbara.


- Morning, westons.


- Morning.

Harry, need your advice, major decision time.

All right.

Sure thing.

No, let me get this, first.

Oh, but, Harry, this is important! Charley, I've got a call, here.

Oh, hi, Mrs.

Dawson.

How is he? Well, is he running a fever? Ah, geez! Make it snappy, will ya? I've got a real head scratcher here.

What's the big decision, Charley? I've got a very serious job offer from an exciting new company.

Really, where? Uncle buzzy's pirate world.

I play captain blood, the ruthless scourge of the south seas.

Well, that's great.

Where'd you hear about it? Well, I was dating this girl plays one of the mermaids.

Tip to the wise, take the tail off, first.

Anyway, it's twice as much money as I'm getting now.


- Well, that sounds good.


- Yeah, but, you know, the cruise line's been very good to me.

Harry, get off the horn and help me here! He's being very rude.

No, no, no, it doesn't sound like tonsillitis.

I'll tell you what.

Bring him into the office.

I'll take a look at him.

Yak, yak, yak.

He's worse than a teenage girl.

Daddy, I think there's something wrong with dreyfuss.

He didn't eat his breakfast, either.

You don't think he's sick, do you? Let me check on him.

Let me see him.

Let me see.

Let me see him.

Let me see you.

Come over here.

Well, his nose is wet and disgusting Tongue is slimy Breath is awful.

Seems fine to me.

I've got to go.


- Bye, dear.


- Bye.

All right, my dear.

I will see you soon.

Bye.

Laverne, what are you cutting out? An article on Nick and the ball team.

He's been chasin' the hittin' record, and he's about to catch up with it.

Hitting record? I thought he was in a slump.

He's not hittin' the ball.

The balls are hittin' him.

If he gets hit by six more pitches, he'll break the record set by the now comatose lumpy o'brien.

Aren't you worried about him getting hurt? Of course, I am scared to death.

I tried to talk him out of it, but it means so much to Nick.

After all, it's his only real sh*t at baseball immortality.

Well, I wish him good luck.

Luck has nothin' to with it.

This is skill.

Picture this, bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded, and just like babe Ruth a
-callin' his sh*t, Nick points to his head.

Would've hit him there, too, if lefty hadn't throwed a sinker and nailed him in the crotch.


- Uh, was Nick okay?
- Oh, yeah.

He was fine.

I'm just glad I wasn't there to see him take that victory crawl to first base.

Well, you've got quite a man there, Laverne.

Of course, maybe not quite the man he was a day ago.

Good morning, Mrs.

Peterson.

Hey, John, nice to see you again.

Again? You mean, I come too often, don't you? Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

'Course not.

No, no.

Well, you said on the phone that he felt a little warm.


- Yeah.


- So, let's take a look.

You must think that I am one of those alarmist mothers.

I mean, I'm taking up your time, when someone's probably dying outside.

No, no, dear, it's all right.

You're, you're, you're no different than any other mother.

Oh, I'm really concerned about his fingerprints.

Well, maybe a little different.

How's his appetite? Well, uh, not good recently.

But who can blame him? I'm a terrible cook.

Yeah, let me see what it is.

Oh, come on, just a little slight fever.

You're going to be all right, John.

Probably just got a little cold.

Oh, my gosh! And I almost didn't bring him in! I should be sh*t! No, no, no, dear, no.

Don't be silly.

Now, I mean, loss of appetite is often a tip off that something's not quite right.

Come on.

Mrs.

Peterson, darling, please, please don't worry so much, okay? Now, remember we've been through this before.

Plenty of fluids, plenty of rest; Rise in temperature, call the doctor.


- Okay.


- All right?
- Yeah.


- All right.

Bye
-bye, dear.


- You drive carefully.


- I'll try.

They shouldn't let me on the road.

Boy, she sure is a nervous Nelly.

No, no, no, no, she was right to bring him in.

I mean, loss of appetite is an important symptom and Come to think of it, dreyfuss has not been eating very well, lately, either.

I think I'll take him in for a check
-up.

Ha, Laverne, you know, it's amazing how much other people can teach you about yourself.

Whew, I've got to write that gem down.

Yeah, that's gonna change a lot of people's lives.

I think I'll take him in right after work.

I mean, I always say, better safe than sorry.

"Better safe than sorry.

" Lordy, doctor, we gonna have to get you a long white beard and put you on a mountain top.


- Hi, Arthur.


- Hi, Harry.

Always a pleasure to see a medical colleague.

Arthur, I'm a, I'm a little worried about dreyfuss.

Well, let's have a look at him.

Okay.

I wanted to be an m.

D.

, you know? Must be nice getting all that respect, those special license plates.

You ever seen the inside of a cow, Harry? That's my reward.

You know, I'm real sorry, Arthur.

Uh, how's his temperature? Well, let's have a look.

My assistant We don't have nurses, you know took some x
-rays.

Oh, temperature's a little high.

If you recall, he does have a little bronchitis problem, but that doesn't seem to be it.

How's his appetite been? It's not so good.

Well, as a high
-priced physician, you know that's the first sign of trouble.

Well, yeah, sure.

Of course, I know that.

Whoa, nice watch.

I mean, thanks.

A patient's father gave it to me.

That's great.

Must be nice for taking kids' pulses.

Timex.

You don't need Swiss movement for a pig.

Thank you.

Mm.

Mm? What, what mm? I was afraid of this.

Dreyfuss has acute hip dysplasia.

Well, so, what's the prognosis? Well, it varies.

Arthur, come on, please.

Let me have it.

Harry, there's a chance that dreyfuss may never walk again.

My god, that hip's pretty far gone.

That's right.

And a standard operation is not going to correct it.

Arthur, there's something you can do.

Well, there's a new hip replacement called the binder procedure, developed by a Dr.

binder in Georgia.

Results have been good.

Well, let's do it, let's go for it.

I've got to tell you, Harry, it's a long operation and with his bronchitis, he might not make it out of the anesthesia.

My god, this is awful.

I mean, I don't want to risk his life.

Oh, dreyf, what are we going to do? Yeah, all right now.

Arthur, what would you do? Well, if he were my dog, I'd hate to see him live with all that pain.

I'd go ahead with the operation.

You're right.

Let's, let's do it, let's do it.

Now, but if this is the binder procedure, I want binder.

Harry, this is a very famous vet.

You don't just pick up Arthur We're talking about dreyfuss' life here.

I want binder.

Just get me binder.

Bye
-bye, dear.

Did Dr.

binder call yet? Keep your lab coat on.

I tracked down his pager number in Georgia, and he should be callin' in anytime now.

Ah, good.

That is assumin' he's back from Germany.

My god, what's he doing in Germany? Gettin' an honorary doctorate from the university of Heidelberg.

Cured one of them weiner dogs would be my guess.

Dr.

Weston's office.

Nick, it's about time! What happened at the game last night? You took a fast ball in the head? Oh, my god, are you okay? Oh, good.

What's that? You took a fast ball in the head? Honey, you just told me that.

Bye
-bye.

Bye
-bye.

Hang up the phone now, honey.

Hang up the phone.

Nick's comin' back tomorrow night.

I'm gonna have to talk to him about this foolishness.

I'm worried sick about him.

I know what you're talking about.

I mean, I, I, I, I wish Dr.

binder would call.

I can't think about anything else.

I can't stand the waiting.

Oh, you're not the only one a
-waitin'.

Them prospective parents are in your office to interview you.

Uh, you'll stay by the phone, in case he calls? I'll tell you what.

How about I sit on it? That way, if the ringer's broke, I'll get it when my butt tingles.

Hi, there.

I'm doctor Harry Weston.

Hi, I'm Chris.

This is my wife, Susan.


- Hi.


- Pleasure.

We called you, because we heard such great things about you.

Amy Madison said you're always there for your patients.

Phone! I'll get it, I'll get it! Hello, Dr.

binder? All right, Laverne, you take care of it.

Just some parent.

Uh, fine now, where, where was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, I believe in a very personal approach to medicine; And, of course, I keep up with the very latest treatments and Hello, binder! Oh, Carol.

How is he? All right, all right, now listen to me.

This is, this is what I want you to do.

Scratch his belly real hard.

Uh
-huh.

No response? Um, try raw meat.

Stick it right under his nose.

All right, honey.

All right, dear.

No, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll talk with you later.

All right, bye.

Thank you, doctor.

I don't think we're quite ready for your approach to medicine.

What? Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm just very distracted today.

My dog is very sick.

This beautiful dog, here? We were just admiring his picture.

Yeah, that's my, my dreyf, sweet dreyfuss.

Huh? I mean, he's not just a pet.

I mean, he's my pal.

He's my companion.

I had a dog like that.

Doctor, how about we make an appointment to come back next week? Oh, you're very sweet.

I thank you, dear.

I appreciate that very much.

Old waggley.

Used to lick my feet.

Oh! Dr.

Weston's office.

It's Dr.

binder.

Hi, Dr.

binder.

It's Harry Weston, thanks so much for calling back.

Listen, is there any chance you can come to Miami very soon? Oh my god, I just felt the first baby kick! Shh, Susan, this is about the dog.

Dr.

binder's plane landed an hour ago.

I should have met him at the airport myself.

Dreyfuss must be so frightened spending the night all alone at the vet.

Poor thing.

I bet they have him in one of those little hospital gowns that don't close in the back.

Harry, I really need your advice on this pirate world thing.

Charley, look, I'm sorry, but dreyfuss' operation is tomorrow.

I, really, I can't think about anything else, right now.

Oh, okay.

Of course, I'm so sorry.

You know, I, I totally respect your concern for dreyfuss.

I guess I'll just have to make a decision without you.

I won't bother you anymore with my problems.

Thanks, Charley.

But let's say dreyfuss got a job offer for, oh, I don't know, a new theme park.


- Charley!
- Maybe doing a pirate thing.

Out! The house feels so empty without dreyfuss.

It's just not fair.

The only purely nonjudgmental loving male in the world, and he might be taken away from us.

Yeah.

Whenever I was upset, he was always there for me.

You know, I remember coming home from the hospital that night your mother d*ed.

Everything was so unreal to me.

I hadn't even cried yet.

I opened the front door, and dreyfuss leapt up to greet me, and suddenly I had this, this vivid memory of the expression on your mother's face, that Christmas morning when dreyf jumped out of the box and met you all for the first time.

So, I knelt in the doorway, and I hugged dreyf, and that's when I cried.

I cried.

You know it's funny? I cried on dreyfuss that night, too.

Me, too.

Poor thing, must've been soaked.

That must be binder! Okay, okay.

You have a snack ready for him? Of course, daddy.

I'm a professional caterer, for god's sake.

Ah, Dr.

binder! Come on, welcome.

I'm Harry Weston, these are my daughters here.

I can't tell you how much we appreciate you coming.

We want to make sure you get a good night's sleep before the operation.

It's very nice of you to have me here.

Tell you the truth, I am sick and tired of hotel rooms.


- Yeah, travel a lot, huh?
- No, my wife kicked me out.

I'm in the middle of a terrible divorce.

I was such a fool to marry that woman! Oh, nothing like getting away from it all to forget your troubles.

Yeah, yeah, I just, uh, I just, um, I, I, I can't get her out of my head.

Sometimes when I think of her, I just get hit with these terrible fits of despair.

Would you like a cookie? Awful valleys of depression that just make me useless for anything.

Get the snack, get the snack! Oh, god, home
-cooked food! Did she ever, in her whole life, make a decent meal for me? She left me for a younger man.

Son of a bitch was cleaning my pool.

Oh, god! What did I see in this woman? Milk, huh? Warm milk! Now with that, you'll sleep like a baby.

God, every Monday, she smelled like chlorine, and I never put it together.

Just try not to think about it, you know.

Come on, just, come on, just relax.

Let the westons take care of you.


- Ah, hand, hand, hand!
- Door! Ah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah! Here, here, here, here! Give me, give me, give me! Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, god, his hand.

It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

Oh, it's fine.

It's fine.

Yeah, nothing, nothing's broken, everything It will be fine.

Just sit back, take it easy.

Now, let's get a nice restful sleep.

Uh, would you get his bag, please, Barbara? Barbara.

My wife's name is Barbara.

Oh, god! Now, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's all right.

Nick? Oh, you did it.

Honey, I am so proud of you.

First man in the minors to be hit by a pitch Thank god, it's over.

Thank god, you're still in one piece! You're catchin' the first flight back to Miami? Honey, it was the home game.

Don't do that.

Bye
-bye, Nick.

All right, we'd better get started.

I've got a good hunch about this one.

A hunch? You have hunches about operations? Isn't it a little more scientific than that? No, the moon's in pisces.

Harry, relax! Come on, we're going to do everything we possibly can.

Believe me, I know what I'm doing.


- Okay.


- Doctor, it's time.

All right, don't worry, dreyf.

Everything's going to be fine.

Don't be scared, dreyfuss.

It'll be okay.


- Mm, I love you, dreyf.


- All right, here we go.

You're the boy.

Good boy.

Dr.

Bolton hasn't given us an update in half an hour.


- Something awful's happened.


- We don't know that.

It shouldn't be much longer.

We're waiting to see if he pulls out of the anesthesia.

Oh, my god.

Oh, dreyfuss.


- I'll let you know.


- Thanks, Arthur.

Oh, I'd give anything to have dreyfuss come through this.

Carol, if he makes it, I'll never ever fight with you again.

And I won't fight with you, either.

I promise.

I feel completely helpless.

I can't stand this anymore.

I should be with dreyfuss! Now, I think it's a good thing that he's goin' in there.

Maybe dreyfuss will sense he's there, and it'll help pull him through.

Oh, if anything happens to dreyfuss, daddy will never forgive himself.

Barbara, don't even think that.

Dreyfuss is big, he's strong, he's, he's not that old.

Oh, I just can't stand it.

Oh, girls, I am so sorry.

He made it! He made it! He's going to be okay! Oh, oh, oh! I'll never forget this, Dr.

binder! Well, I'm just glad I could be of some help.

You've got a wonderful dog there.

Oh, Dr.

binder, we can't thank you enough.

You wanted binder, you got binder.

Well, thank god for binder!
- Three cheers for binder!
- What am I? Dog meat or something? So, you got binder.

Big deal! Well, I don't know.

Anyway the pleasure is mine.

Did you see that? Dreyfuss raised his eyebrow.

Yeah, he's definitely feeling better, huh?
- Yes.


- Yes.


- Ah, baby.


- Good morning, westons! Harry, I, I, I came over to thank you.

You forced me to make my own career decision.

I, I think I've grown, as a person, and I, I feel can face the world with dignity.

Charley, your fly's open.

Ah! Third time, today.

Carol, Carol, come on, leave him alone.

Charley made a decision on his own.

I think he deserves our full support.

Thanks, Harry.

You know, I've already memorized what I'm supposed to say.

Welcome to me lair, land lovers.

Oh I jump on me stump, and with me hook I'm deadly at karate, boys and girls If you're feelin' the urge just follow me peg to the potty So, basically, you show kids to the John.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

Well, that's part of it.

What else do you do? Well, uh Boys and girls, if you're feeling the urge Just follow me No, that's pretty much it.

Charley, you haven't given notice on the cruise ship yet,
- have you?
- What? Are you implying I made the wrong decision? Well, no, but Charley, Charley, you know, it's really good that you made your own decision.

But, I don't know Maybe we should talk about this a little more.

Arg! Harry, you see what happens when you're not there for me? Oh sure, fine, you know, you were there for dreyfuss.

You were there for the little sick kids.

But what about old Charley? How could something that feels so right be so wrong? Arg! I've got to go, daddy.


- Bye, dear.


- I'm late.


- Bye, dreyf!
- Bye, daddy.


- Bye, honey.


- Bye, dreyfuss! Take care, girls.

Oh, my dreyfy, my dreyfuss, my sweet boy! Oh, dreyf, oh, dreyf.

You know, dreyf, now that the operation's all over, and you're all better, I can tell you that I was so scared.

I was afraid I was going to lose you.

I didn't want to worry you.

I mean, the night before the operation, I, I didn't sleep a wink.

And then in the morning, I was Ah, dreyf.

I wonder if you have any idea how much you mean to me.

Huh? Mm.

Dreyf, I wonder if you have any idea how bad your breath smells! Come here, sweetie!