03x21 - The Last Temptation of Laverne

[bunniefuu]

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on oh, morning, sweetheart.

Good morning, daddy, you're up early.

Yeah, well, I promised Laverne I'd take a look at a house that she and Nick want to buy.

And you.

You're off to the park with your sister.

Yes, I can't wait.

I'm gonna lie on the grass all day and soak up the rays.

Carol, you look like a beekeeper.

Taunt if you must, Barbara, but as for me, I'm going to just say no to melanoma.

Sounds like you two have a wonderful day ahead of you.

Maybe not.

Hi, Charley.

Yeah, hi.

Okay, here's the thing.

I got invited to a really fancy masquerade party, so I need a very classy costume.

Barbara, you want to go as the front half of a pig?
- What night is it?
- Barbara! Okay, pig's out, let's see what other costumes they got.

Matador, viking Oh, this sounds good.

Guy spy perfect! I've always seen myself as sort of a suave James Bond type.

See ya.

Dreyfuss! Dreyfuss, leave this man alone.


- Come on.


- I'm sorry, sir.

He just really likes people.

Cute dog.

I used to have a dog myself.

Really? What happened? d*ed.


- Oh.


- Oh.


- Then I got another one.


- Oh, really? What kind? Dead.

It was a collie, but he's dead now.

Oh, well, anyway, it was nice talking to you.

Maybe we'll see you next time we're in the park.


- That's unlikely.


- Oh, why is that? I'm going into a retirement home in a couple days.


- Oh, I'm sorry.


- That's too bad.

No, no, it for the best.

I'm getting on, and it's not as easy for me to take care of myself as it used to be, so I'm giving up my apartment and going into a home, where everything will be taken care of for me.

Well, that's not so bad.

That's what we did a couple years ago, right, Carol?
- Come on, Barbara.


- See ya! So I was thinkin' of redoin' the kitchen in blue.


- What do you think?
- Nice, nice.

You know You know what is really oh, look, a built
-in trash compactor.

Instead of big unwieldy trash, we'll have perfect little cubes of trash.

That's what I call livin'.

Well, it just brings back so many memories of the first house that Libby and I bought.

I guess I It works.

What was you sayin'? No, it's just, our first place I remember I had this tiny, little stove It works.

Go on.

Well, anyway, you know, it wasn't much, but we really hey, look, if escaped convicts ever break in here and hold me hostage, I can signal the neighbors.

SO S.

Ooh, this is gonna be great.

And I thought Nick and I wouldn't be able to own our own home for at least five or six years, but thanks to aunt retha, our dream need not be deferred.

Who's who's aunt retha? The family moneybags.

Any of the kin need money, they turn to retha.

But she's on her way over.

You'll see for yourself.

Well, I look forward to that.

Ha.

Think again.

My aunt retha is as stubborn as a chili stain on a bowlin' shirt.

And you have never met such a contrary woman.

Oh, I can think of one no, you can't.

And whatever you do, don't borrow retha's car.

Okay, I'll try to hold off on that.

See, what happened was aunt retha had this big old '63 Cadillac that she was just crazy about it.

And one day I had to borrow that car to go to market.

Now, I was extra careful.

I parked a way away from all the other cars, and wouldn't you know, one of them shoppin' carts rolled into it, put a ding in one of them tail fin thing.

Aunt retha pitched a hissy.

I offered to pay for it, but, no.

She wanted me to say that I was irresponsible and that it was all my fault.

Now, can you believe that? No, Laverne, everybody's got one eccentric in the family.

I mean, we had our cousin Russell.

He was absolu It works!
- Hello.


- Aunt retha!
- Oh, Laverne!
- Aunt retha.

Nick? Oh, my! Oh, you have aged! Oh! Oh, my god, you look terrible! No! This this ain't Nick.

This is doctor Weston, the fella I work for.

Oh! Well, you look just fine, then.

Well, it's real nice meeting you, aunt retha, and you're everything Laverne said you were.

Thank you.

Okay, listen, I'll leave you two alone here.

Laverne, it is a wonderful house.

Well, honey, let's you and I get down to brass tacks.

Now, your mama tells me that you need some money for a down payment on this house.

Now, I'm willin' to give it to you Oh
-ho
-, little cubes of trash, here I come.

Providin' that you do one insignificant, little thing for me.

Well, name it.

Well, it's no secret there's been some bad blood between us ever since you were so irresponsible and bashed in the side of my car.

Retha, it was just a tiny, little ding.

I had nothin' to do with it.

I wasn't even in the car when it happened.

Laverne, unless you admit that you were irresponsible and that dent was all your fault, well, I don't think I can see it in my heart to give you the money for the down payment.

You mean to say you will not give me that money unless I say I was at fault? At fault and irresponsible.

Barbara, I can't stop thinking about that poor old man in the park today.

Yeah, he was nice.

It's just that I keep seeing him, sitting there on that bench, all alone, friendless, two days away from a retirement home.

And what did we do? We turned our backs on him.

We didn't want to get involved, we walked away from a human tragedy.

I walked away with a human tragedy.

Barbara, brainstorm.

Oh, no.

No, listen, here's what we'll do.

We'll find him and have him over for a home
-cooked dinner and leave him with a lovely memory, of his last day of freedom.

Wow, that may be your first brainstorm ever that didn't suck.

Thank you, Barbara.

Bah bah duhn hi, westons.

Charley, you decided to go to the masquerade party as a gypsy.

No, I didn't, this is my guy
-spy outfit.

Charley, you look nothing like a spy.

Sure I do.

In fact, the name is spy, guy spy.

Charley, you're a gypsy.

No, I'm not.

I'm guy spy.

Here, look.

Number 212, guy spy.

Charley, you're reading it wrong.

That says "gypsy"! Okay, well, then I'll, um I'll just go with number 111.

"Pee
-ra
-Tay.

" I don't know what that means, but you get an eye patch and a peg leg.

Both: Pirate! Laverne, you haven't gone to lunch yet? No time, doctor.

I'm about to make the most important decision in my entire life.

I'll take the check.

I'll take it not.

I'll take the check.

I'll take it not.

Laverne, please, this isn't really how you're gonna make your decision.

Doctor, I want that house.

I am sick of livin' in my tiny apartment.

But I don't want to say I dented some car I didn't in order to get it.

What am I gon' do? Well, Laverne, of course, what you're talking about here is the classic battle between idealism and pragmatism.

Uh
-huh, we all know you went to college get to the point.

Okay, the pragmatists would say getting a house is worth a small sacrifice of your principles, whereas the idealists would say any sacrifice of your principles is wrong, no matter what the payoff.

I see.

Thank you, doctor.

This talk has really helped.

I'm a pragmatist.

I'm a idealist.

I'm a pragmatist Idealist That's what I am.

They is no way I can compromise my principles.

I mean what's so terrible about stayin' in my apartment, anyway? It's not so small Small, small.

Coming! Be right there! Come on in! Hi.

Laverne, where are you?
- Right here.


- Ah, hi, there.

Come on into my dining room, parlor, bedroom, breakfast nook.

All right.

Okay.

You know, good move getting rid of that grandfather clock.

It opens the place up.

Yeah.

I'm glad you could come by for dinner.

I was going to light some candles, but it uses up too much oxygen.

Are you hungry? Oh, yeah, I am.

Well, don't eat too much, they's no room to expand.

Okay, Mrs.

Todd, open up.

It's the fire marshal.

Quick, hide.

I know you got company in there.


- Hide.


- How? W where? I thought so.

Okay, Mrs.

Todd, I'm gonna have to cite you again.

Why do you think we post these signs? Well, I may not be able to have guests, but I still have my principles Principles, principles.

Laverne.

Laverne.

I'll take it!
- Uh, what?
- Aunt retha's check.

What good are principles when you can't light a candle 'cause it sucks up all your oxygen.

I didn't think you'd arrive at your decision from that particular angle, but okay.

Got to go.

Oh, hi, aunt retha.

Oh, you're the fella who ain't Nick.

So nice of you to remember me.

Well, uh, I got to get out of here.


- Bye
-bye, aunt retha.


- Bye.

Well, Laverne? Right, about your car Yes? That ding in it was all my fault.

Yes, it was.

And why was it your fault, hmm? Because you were?
- I was ir ir
- Yeah.

Ir I was irresponsible.

Yeah, there it is! Ha ha ha! Laverne higby is irresponsible.

Okay.

I'm gonna have that check written up at the bank, and I'm gonna bring it by your new home at 7:00.

Now, don't you be late, 'cause I know how irresponsible you higbys could be.

I did it.

Oh, I did it.

All right, now, watch your step.

There.

We'll help you over to the couch.

It's It's awfully kind of you but I can make it on my own.

Now, now, we admire your bravery, but that kind of attitude is an invitation to an artificial hip.

We're gonna make your last day of freedom something you'll remember for the rest of your life.

You just think of us as your surrogate granddaughters,
- right, Barbara?
- Right.

I know, we'll call you "pawpaw.

" Oh, Barbara, isn't that the cutest name? Pawpaw? That sounds stupid i think we should call him "granddaddy.

"
- I like pawpaw.


- Well, I like granddaddy.

Why don't you call me pawpaw, and you call me granddaddy? Both: No! I know We'll compromise and call you "pawdaddy.

" Pawdaddy? Pawdaddy.

Pawdaddy.

So I confessed to somethin' I didn't do big deal.

It's not like compromisin' one little principle is gonna lead me down the road to ruin Ruin, ruin.

You say little Bobby's face is covered with spots? Then why don't you take a laundry maker and connect them? Ha! Okay, Laverne, this was a really short consultation, so this one's for free.

Like hell it is! Laverne, I don't need the money.

I do! I've been skimmin' off the top for years, and I want my cut.

I'm charging you double! Please, nurse Todd, I'm poor, but I'm good.

Without that money, the will be no oats to over boil for Billy's gruel.

Who cares? Laverne, ever since you took that money from your aunt retha, you've become a complete monster.

Oh, it's all in your mind.

Shut up, crybaby! Next victim! And round and round we go! Who will be the next to bingo? "O" 65.

"O," 6
-5.

Look, pawdaddy, you only need one more.

Oh, goody.

Okay, "b" 9, under the b
-niner! Bingo.

Bingo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, pawdaddy, you're such a skilled bingo player.

How many times have you won now? That would be 10.

Oh, it's 4:30 Time for pawdaddy's dinner! Oh, we'll start with the appetizer Some soft, yummy applesauce.


- I don't like applesauce.


- Open up.

Here comes the train! I don't like apple
-
- Choo, choo, choo!
- Choo, choo! That's enough! I'm not an infant! Pawdaddy You seem to be a little distraught.

Now, I think, under the circumstances, we should postpone dinner, and we'll prepare your sitz bath upstairs.

Sitz bath?
- I get to lower him in.


- No, I do! Okay, hi, girls! Oh, you must be Arnold.

I'm Harry Weston.

Your daughters are driving me crazy.


- Pardon?
- Forcing me to play bingo, spoon
-feeding me, and they act as if I can't do one damn thing for myself.

I'm not helpless.


- Wait a minute.


- What is it? I think I see what those clever, little girls are up to.


- You do?
- I don't belong in a retirement home.

Not only do I not need that kind of attention, I hate it.

I'm going to live in my apartment and keep my independence.

Those are two brilliant girls you have there.

Well Either that Or they're the two most annoying people on the face of the earth.

Well Bye
-bye, Arnold.

Oh, daddy
-waddy
-kinz Where is he? Uh, gone.

Gone? Pawdaddy! No! It should have been me! Carol, stop it.

He's not gone gone.

He just
- Left.


- Why? Well, he said, uh, to thank you for all your help, and, uh, he's not going into the home after all.

Really? Well, that's great! Just think of it, daddy, somehow our love and caring gave him a new lease on life.

Yeah, something like that.

Oh, daddy, when you're old, we're gonna take even better care of you.

Yes, daddy.

Oh
-ho
-ho, oh, boy.

Ah, Laverne, I brought champagne.

I thought we could celebrate your first house.

Oh, whoopee.

What's wrong? Doctor, I don't know what to do anymore.

I mean, are my principles more important than a house, or is a house more important than my principles? Laverne, where are you? Oh, lordy, what am I gonna do? Laverne, maybe this is one of those decisions you can't make with your head.

You're gonna have to go with what your heart tells you.

Laverne Oh, there you are.

Well, you're looking better all the time.

Oh Oh, well, now, look what I got here for you.

Your little checky.

Oh, yeah My little checky.

Well, what is it, Laverne? Well, retha, I'm tryin' to Listen to what my heart is sayin'.

It's sayin', "take the check.

" Well, that's very wise of it, honey.

Well, it wasn't finished.

It's sayin' take the check and Stick it in here.

Oh, you are irresponsible! I love that sound! Well, remember it well, 'cause you won't be hearin' it in that cheesy, little apartment of yours.

You know, retha, you've been waving that money of yours under a lot of people's noses for a lot of years now, and it's about time somebody finally give you what for.


- Laverne.


- Brace yourself, retha, 'cause this has been buildin' up inside of me for 20 years, and here it comes.

That's it? Whoo, I feel like a six
-ton weight's been lifted off my chest.

And you know what else, retha? That ding in your car was not my fault! I'm not gonna stand here and listen to any more of this.

Now, you stop that! I warn you! You stop that! You tell her to stop it! Oh! Why You two are insane! Oh, my goodness gracious me! Damn principles That's the end of my house.

Oh, Laverne, you'll get your house someday.

Besides, the important thing is not where you live, but are you able to live with yourself? Thank you, doctor.

As usual, your words are full of wisdom.

But then again, you are goin' home to that 4,000
-square
-foot, two
-story house of yourn.


- Bye
-bye, Laverne.


- Yeah.

Be careful pullin' in that 3 car garage.

Oh