06x23 - The Visitor

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

MAN: ♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

BOTH: ♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and then came you ♪

WEBSTER: Things did get a little wild,

but this was the best party I've ever thrown.

PAPA: We could just clean up,

or we could have the house condemned.

Papa, it's my mess. I'll clean it up.

Aren't you gonna say, "It's too much

for my little baklava to do all by himself"?

Actually, I was thinking that

it's too much for an old Greek to do.

But...we can do it together.

It won't leave me much time to study for my meeting though.

I thought once you get to be a president,

they don't make you do homework anymore.

I wish.

One thing I know for sure -- that old business is really

new business that's been hanging around for a while.

Well, I'm gonna go get some cleaning stuff.

Say, I wonder if the weed whacker

will get the cheese whiz off the wall?

[ Doorbell rings ][ Sighs ]

[ British accent ] How do you do, sir?

I'm here to see Webster Long. I believe I'm expected.

You are?Yes.

You must be George Papadapolis, Sr.,

the raddest and baddest grandfather a kid ever had.

[ Chuckles ] You know my little baklava, all right.

My name is Hastings.

[ Caddy thuds ]Hastings?

Byron Hastings?

Byron Hastings from England?

The very same, at your service.

Awesome! Hastings, you really are here!

[ Chuckles ]

It's so good finally to meet you.

Excuse me.

I'm as lost as Ulysses.

Or is that Jason and the Argonauts?

Papa, this is Hastings, my pen pal.

You're, um... kind of tall for a pen pal.

This is too cool. Come on in! What are you doing here?

Did you hear about my party all the way over in England?

Oh, I except it's in the tabloids by now.

But uh, didn't you get my postcard?

You mean the one where Fergie's b*ating Andrew at arm wrestling?

No, the one with Queen Elizabeth kissing Philip's pointer.

His dog.[ Mouths word ]

I wrote to accept your offer of lodging.

Lodging?

As in ice machines and checkout by noon?

Uh, look, this is a little inconvenient, isn't it?

I can easily book a hotel.

Oh, no, stay here.

We're much friendlier than a hotel.

And we don't have those silly strips of paper over the toilet.

It's okay, isn't it, Papa?

Uh...uh, Mr. Hastings, excuse us for just a minute please.

Uh-huh. Webster and I need to have a little talk.

Um, have a seat...

if you can find a place without food on it.

Now correct me if I'm wrong,

but aren't pen pals usually under ?

Don't you like him?

Well, he seems like a very nice man.

But if I let a stranger in the house,

then Katrina and George would hang me up by my dolmas.

But, Papa, he won't cause any trouble.

He's neat and polite and he'd never start a food fight.

What a relief.

Look, he's even got some cool friends, too.

See?

Whoa!

He's getting a hug from Princess Di.

You got to be at least Elton John for that.

He knows the queen, too.

I think he calls her Liz.

Look at that.

He's with the whole royal family of England.

Very impressive.

Yippee!Eh, don't "yippee" yet.

I gotta talk to him.

Holy Zeus and Athena!

W-wow. I-I never saw this room so clean.

And look!

He even polished the wood in the fireplace!

Force of habit, I'm afraid.

When I see a challenge like this, I cannot stand idly by.

[ Feather duster clatters ]

That is why I always travel with one of these.

You see, I am a butler.

Yeah, and a magician, too.

When I was tidying up,

I found one robot toy, five odd socks,

one lipstick, one fountain pen,

and $ in loose change.

Oh, man.

Papa, we can come out ahead with him staying here.

I also have references from the Earl of Essex,

the Duke of Northfolk,

and Patricia, Duchess of Newcastle.

Look. You even got the fudge stain out of the couch.

That's worth ten dukes and duchesses to me.

So? Can he stay? Is it yippee time?

Eh, one more -- one more thing.

You happen to know anything about Robert's Rules of Order?

I was parliamentarian four years running

for the Butlers Association of Great Britain.

Ah! It's yippee time.

Yippee!Yippee!

Indeed.Come on, Webster.

Let's get Mr. Hastings' room ready for him.

No problem.

Ah. [ Inhales sharply ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Sighs ]

Come on, Hastings.

[ Chuckles ] Oh. Sorry, old chap.

Just, uh, had to adjust my trim here.

Oh, yeah. I do that all the time.

Say, you wanna know the secret way out?

Mm!

Well, I'll be swaddled.

Just like Buckingham Palace.

Might we?

After you, my good man.

Tallyho!

Tallyho.

You know, you guys really say neat things.

[ Humming "Rule, Britannia!" ]

Two days with your help, and I'm stoked for the history test.

Well, let's see how stoked you really are.

Right. Quickly -- The Stamp Act.

An unfair tax on American colonists

levied by the tyrannical British.

Right?

Now technically. I'm not too crazy about

the word "tyrannical" though.

And now... Concord Bridge.

The first sh*ts fired between colonists and the British.

You know, you really are unstoppable.

I have the honor of awarding you

the Hastings medal for unstumpability.

It's actually, uh, an old army medal of mine,

but I'd like you to have it.

Wow.

Did you get this for sharpshooting?

Actually, for sharp dusting.

Even in the army, I was a butler.

Oh.

Well, Hastings, if I ace this test,

then I'm gonna treat you to the Burger Bonanza takeout,

with all the trimmings.

Sounds festive. What is it?

Oh, cheeseburgers, tacos, fries.

You know, fast food.

Fast food?

Interesting, measuring food by velocity.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

You've never had a triple blitz burger?

Or ordered food through a clown's mouth?

No, I must confess, those pleasures have so far eluded me.

Hastings, we gotta get you there.

[ Imitates British accent ] You're simply missing

rather the best, old thing.

Oh! [ Laughs ] Webster, you're going to make an American

out of this old Brit yet.

Jolly well right.

And do we remember our last lessons?

Yes. Mm.

[ Clears throat ] Now...say hey, my main man.

I'm bad, I'm cool, I'm nobody's fool.

[ Giggles ]

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

[ Laughs ][ Giggles ]

When my man is bad...

My man is bad.

Oh!

Right.

HASTINGS: Don't squander the aroma, Webster.

We'll need to for dinner.

Hey, he's good.

The president is home!

Where is my staff?

I'm in here, Papa.

I'm ready for a press conference!

I'm ready for "Hail to the Chief."

I'm ready to command the armed forces.

The Sons of Socrates have an army?

Well...actually, no.

It's just a big guy named Stavros with a Swiss Army Kn*fe.

Our biggest fear is the Elks Club.

[ Laughs ]

Well, uh, seems to me you were a hit.

A hit? [ Chuckles ]

I ran the meeting so well

that we had an extra half-hour for pinochle.

And to the Sons of Socrates, that is a president.

Where is Hastings? I want to thank him.

He's in the kitchen, cooking in British.

It's off-limits.

Cross that border

and it's wooden spoon on the noggin time.

Well, I am the president,

and I resolve that we, um, adopt a resolution

to take our chances.

Welcome home!

I trust your meeting went smashingly,

Mr. President.[ Laughs ] Thanks to you!

In fact, you can call me Mr. Papa.

Oh. Well, Mr. Papa, to celebrate,

I suggest we adjourn to the dining room.

This is my kinda celebration!

But we're going to do this properly.

Oh?

[ Clears throat ]

My lords, I give you

the right honorable Webster Long,

the all-knower of American history.

You aced the test!

Well, uh, I even knew about the termites

in George Washington's wooden teeth.

[ Laughs ] Congratulations! That's...

Mwah! Wonderful![ Clears throat ]

I also give you George Papadapolis, Sr.,

the president of the --

just call me the Duke of Starving,

and let's eat!Yes!

Wow.

This is like one of those restaurants

where you have to talk quietly.

[ Chuckles ] And all the silver.

Makes me feel like Papa Onassis.

Now, gentlemen, tonight's menu takes us 'round the world,

following the route of the Beatles' first tour.

A world tour!

We don't even have to fight over window seats.

[ Laughs ]

First, a brief stop in...

Alaska.Crab legs!

King crab legs a la Kensington.

So now, gentlemen...

let's get cracking.

[ Instrumental music playing ]

Oh, if I eat one more bite,

they're going to name a mountain range after me.

Mmm. I love this.

I sure hope he doesn't make us smoke big yucky cigars.

I'm gonna clear some of this,

because if I don't move,

they're gonna have to tow me out of here.

[ Whispers ] Hastings!

What is it?Jacket pocket. Pills.

Oh.

Nitroglycerin?

That's for heart conditions, isn't it?

[ Strained voice ] In my case,

paroxysmal supraventricular tachycardia.

Oh.Sounds...elegant, doesn't it?

Mm.

Now are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine now, thanks.

Ohh.

Should you be traveling?

Oh, absolutely.

Your home is far more healing than any hospital.

See, Webster's letters mean a great deal to me.

They...they lifted me up.

So I just wanted to spend a little time with him

before I...go.

So you came to say good-bye.

More like...hello.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

Is there anything that I can do?

Well, please, don't tell Webster.

Oh, Hastings, if you know Webster,

then you know you have to be honest with him.

It would hurt far worse later if you're not honest with him now.

Believe me, he can handle it.

Very well.

But, sir, let's not spoil tonight.

Okay. [ Sighs ]

But look, let me clear all this up.

Why don't you go spend a little time with Webster?

Oh. Very good, sir.

Oh, and, uh, Hastings?

Isn't it time you began to call me "Georgie"?

Oh, thank you, Georgie sir.

Oh. Hi, Hastings.

I just biked over to the travel agent.

Look what I got.

"England on $ a Day."

"England on $ a Day."

They didn't have one for my budget --

England on cents a day.

Well, that might buy you a cup of tea,

but you'd probably have to sleep under a newspaper.

Oh, no. We're gonna go in style.

See, I'm gonna talk Ma'am and George

into taking me next summer.

That's super.

So when do you think is the best time?

You know, when it's not so busy

when you're doing your butler stuff.

I don't know if that would be such a grand thing.

Well, why not?

I probably won't be there next year.

Oh, you're gonna, uh, take a job somewhere else?

Webster, my health is not too good.

Not good?

My heart, actually.

Well -- well, what are you saying?

I wanna come visit you in England.

Webster, I would like you to come visit me in England,

but the important thing is that I have come here to visit you,

to cement the friendship

between myself and that rather special young man

that I'd only met in letters.

But that's not right!

Look, I'm angry, too, Webster. I'm sorry, but --

No, it's just not right!

I'm never gonna have a pen pal again.

If I could, I'd sue the post office.

Come here, baklava. Come on.

Listen.

Life is not easy.

People come and then they go.

Then life stinks.

I get to liking somebody,

have fun together,

and before you know it, they're gone.

Well, you're just saying that because you're angry.

Listen. Think how sweet life has been with Hastings here.

Why do you think he came here?

Well, we were pen pals.

Yes, but he came to have fun with his pal.

And to make memories --

memories that last long after people are gone.

But every time I think of him, it's gonna hurt

right here.

I know.

But sometimes, baklava, we have to hurt

so we can appreciate the good feelings when they come.

Now what do you say

we make the most of the time that we have with Hastings

and help create new memories?

Okay.

I know something he'd like.

Oh?

Uh, I don't have to study Robert's Rules again, do I?

No.

This is gonna be a great memory.

Okay!

Well, is he up from his nap yet?

Shh. He's right behind me, so get ready.

Do I look okay? Is my cucumber straight?

[ Laughs ] That's cummerbund.

And you look great!

Psst, psst, psst, psst.

[ Kazoos play fanfare ]

My word. What on Earth?

Presenting the honorable, most worthy...

Best friend, coolest pen pal,

and the neatest butler in the world...

WEBSTER AND PAPA: Hastings!

Bravo!Bravo!

Pip-pip!Pip-pip!

Gentlemen, this is all highly irregular.

Prepare to put on the royal blindfold.

Gentlemen, if I'm about to be sh*t,

I feel I should be entitled to a last cigarette.

Hang on to your accent, Hastings.

You're about to be butle'd.

Voilà!

That's French for "Look at all this stuff!"

[ Laughs ]

I'm speechless.

What on Earth have you prepared?

Well, we haven't prepared anything.

Dinner tonight is all fast food,

courtesy of Big Verne's Barbecue Ranch.

Oh!

Kentucky King's bongo chicken and biscuits.

Oh!

Burritos from Maria's Burrito Barn.

Footlong hot dogs, Chicago-style.

And last and most important...

antacid.

And believe me...

[ Laughs ] you're going to need it.

[ Laughs ]

And we're doing the serving, the waiting,

and the cleaning up.

You two are fine, fine friends.

Ooh. Would you please thank this Big Verne fellow for me?

I will. [ Laughs ] I will.

Well...[ Clears throat ] Where do I start?

Hmm?With this.

A pen?

So you can keep writing me letters.

It means a lot to me.

As long as I have ink.

Voilà.

What?

Refills. Five years' worth.

I can hope, can't I?

Thank you.

Bon appétit.

That's French for "Dig in."

[ Laughing ]

[ Theme music playing ]