06x19 - Ticket to Ride

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in, line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Scalpel.

Scalpel?Mnh-mnh, mm, mm, scalpel.

Scalpel?Scalpel.

George, can you really finish it

before you leave for the airport?

Of course I can.

I'm a lean, mean, bike-building machine.

Syringe.

Uh...syringe?Syringe, syringe.

Ha, ha.

George, you gotta catch your flight to cover

that boxing match.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I can fix this bike and still catch my flight.

But, George, you need minutes to shower,

five to shave, three for brushing,

and two each for deodorant, comb, musk, and cool check.

Well, I can cool check when I get to the airport, champ.

Let me tell you something, you put a lot of money in this.

The least I can do is help you finish it off.

The XT Big Nabe, perfect for my new delivery route.

Yeah, by the way, how much do paper slingers make nowadays?

Well, with the right route and a good hook sh*t,

we could be talking about big bucks.

Big bucks, huh?

Well, listen, we don't want to hold up a future tycoon.

[ Singsongy ] It's finished!

All right.

This is as bad as the one in the store.

It's badder, look at this --

water bottle, pump, Kryptonite lock, huh?

[ Deep voice ] Stronger than Superman!

You know, in my day,

all that bikes had were pedals and wheels.

You had to be rich to have brakes.

[ Chuckles ][ Chuckles ]

Well, what about the lights?

Check it.

[ Lights clicking ]

High beam heaven. [ Chuckles ]

What about the radio?

Okay.[ Switch clicks, radio plays ]

[ Switch clicks, music stops ]

[ Chuckles ]

And the --

Ever popular...

Both: Ultra sonic...Pooch paralyzer.

You got it![ Remote beeps ]

[ Chuckles ]

George?What?

You are the greatest.

You are, too, champ.

♪ Pineapple and mango ♪

♪ Pineapple and mango ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

[ Blender whirring ]

[ Whirring stops ]

Guess it didn't call for the pit.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Just wish for once these recipes would say so.

Hi, Ma'am.

Hi, honey.

Uh, you look like you're having a really good day.

Are you?

Well, if this drink turns out, yeah.

Would you care to try a little m*nled mango punch?

Sure, sounds delicious.

I'm trying to get this great drink

for the senior citizens' dance, you know,

put a little kick in their conga.

[ Hums softly ]

Mmm, good!

This is probably the best punch ever.

Hmm.

Probably even better than the one

you made at that picnic.

What picnic?

The picnic at the lake, remember?

The one we had two and a half weeks

after George got that ticket for a busted taillight?

Yes, I, too,

make our family milestones with George's moving violations.

Say, speaking of moving violations...

Did you know that you can get a ticket

on any moving vehicle?

Like a truck, tractor, Zamboni?

A bicycle?

Here.

Webster Long... running a red light?

But the light was green

when I went through the intersection.

I know, I looked!

Did you tell that to the officer?

I tried.

But he had a voice like RoboCop.

May I please have $ to pay the fine?

No, no, not a chance.

You see, they have here a date

for court right here on this ticket.

The American justice system

is about to start working for you.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Relax. Everything's gonna be fine.

I can't.

There's a thousand butterflies slam dancing in my stomach.

Mr. Butler, you're charged with jaywalking.

But the corner was so far away

and the drug store was right across the street.

Oh, please, are you denying that you jaywalked?

No, but I was picking up a prescription.

bucks.

[ Gavel bangs ]Pay at the cashier.

Oh, Mom!

Butterflies are gone.

Now it's the Chicago Bears.

Webster Long.

And is, uh, Officer Stewart present?

Oh, man, I'm laser dust.

[ Whispers ] Sweetheart, I want you to remember

that the truth is recognized by justice.

And smile.

Webster Long,

charged with failure to stop at a traffic signal.

Not guilty, Your Honor. Honest.

Lose the smile.

So what's your explanation?

Well, last summer,

I was checking out Wally's Bicycle Universe

and I saw this gnarly super bad bicycle.

So I asked George, that's my dad --

Could we get to it?

Your Honor, uh, I am -- I am the young man's mother.

Perhaps I could help. Uh, may I --

Please, anything to move it along.

Sweetheart, I want you to tell Judge B--

Butler exactly what happened

just the way you told me at home.

Okay.

I was riding down the street and I came to the intersection.

I looked up, the light was green.

So I proceeded through.

Did he make the light?Nope.

Fine stands. Next case.[ Gavel bangs ]

Whoa, oh, oh, excuse me.

Oh, I guess it is not the next case.

Look, lady, this officer is a trained expert.

You have provided absolutely no conclusive evidence

of any kind, and kids on new bikes like to show off.

Next case.

[ Stammers ] That's not fair.

Lady, just pay the ticket.

But there is a conflict of -- of testimony here.

And I don't think that my son should be forced to pay the --

the fine just --

You -- You don't?No, I don't.

Then forget the fine.

I told you justice would prevail.

Said bicycle is hereby impounded for the period of one month.

[ Gavel bangs ]

Frieda, just park your bike by the work bench,

under the Weedwacker.

Yeah, that's where my bike went...

when I had one.

This month will pass very quickly for you,

you'll see.

Ma'am, my bike is in a cage locked up

with nasty, rusty, mean old bikes.

And that guard dog sniffing around

getting dog snark all over it.

"Dog snark?"

You know, that's when a dog sneezes and that stuff

comes out of his nose --

Oh, all right, I got the picture.

My bike is awfully close to the dryer.

Oh, that's the best place in the garage.

Keeps the seat warm. Kept mine warm.

Hi, Mrs. P. Cute baboons.

Their snouts should be longer, though.

Uh, they're supposed to be cupids, see?

With bows and arrows?

Oh, I thought they were bananas.

Oh, well, Ma'am's doing the decorations

for the seniors' dance at the community center.

Well, I suppose it isn't too late to change the theme

from springtime love to jungle passion.

Well, time for a snack, Frieda.

We're here to feed our minds, not our faces.

Besides, I've lost enough study time riding you around

for your paper route.

That's right! How did the dynamic duo of delivery do?

Frieda can really wing the paper.

She was for on the doormats along Clark Street.

It's nothing, really.

Just simple matter of figuring wind velocity, surface area,

span and trajectory.

I'm sure there'll be a calculator for that out soon,

but all the same, it's very nice of you to help Webster.

Thank you.

I've always seen myself as an important cog

in this machine called good citizenship.

And I'm glad to help you, too, Mrs. P.

Me?

You must feel really awful putting your son

in this terrible situation.

[ Chuckles ] Thank you for reminding me.

And she wonders why they won't let her join the pep club.

I feel hot. Let's att*ck these word problems.

more days until my bike comes home.

Then let's get crackin', Web.

Time flies when you're doing math.

Maybe we can bust my bike out of jail

like in "E.T."

Webster, if we don't know our algebra,

we won't get into Harvard, we won't get our Ph.D.'s,

and life will be fish gizzards.

Fish...

It's a fish gizzard kind of day, okay?

Wait a minute, try this one.

A girl on a bicycle --That's more like it,

but how about a guy on a bicycle?

Webster, nothing burns me up more

than when someone can't use the example provided.

Hey, look, I was trying to make it

a little more like life.

I mean, let's face it, math isn't real.

Not real?!

Not real?!

Math is reality.

Math proves every hypothesis, every theory, every idea.

Math can prove anything.

Anything?

Mrs. P., math is only human.

Well, isn't Webster's situation somewhat like a math problem

or a word problem and therefore solvable?

I mean, what if we could mathematically prove

that Webster didn't run that red light?

We could go back to the judge

and ask her to release his bicycle.

Oh, no, please, Ma'am.

What if she impounds me this time?

No, we have to.

Remember everything that happened that day.

Get all the details.Check every variable.

Question the witnesses, get all the facts,

examine the details.

Scrutinize and analyze.

I have a very good feeling about this.

We could strike a blow for truth.

Oh, Mrs. P.,

isn't it great being a woman of the 's?[ Chuckles ]

It is for people like you

that we have laws against littering.

$.[ Gavel bangs ]

It was a tissue. One tiny tissue.

The wind was blowing.

Oh, yeah, this is the Windy City.

Well, I suggest you develop a tighter grip

or more to Florida.

Pay the cashier.[ Gavel bangs ]

Next ca--

Oh, great.

Good morning, Your Honor.

Please tell me you're part of a field trip, right?

Your Honor, we have new evidence to present.

Uh, in a manner according with the American system

of jurisprudence.

You're not a lawyer, right?

Uh, no, but I am a well-prepared citizen.

[ Under breath ] Oh, God, it's worse than I thought.

You must hear us out.

Oh, no, I mustn't.

You see, without the ticketing officer present, I --

Uh -- I'm here, Your Honor.

You're very thorough, aren't you?

His captain was a sucker for a cute face.

His.

I know. Lose the smile.

And so, Your Honor, this morning we intend to prove

beyond a reasonable doubt that on the day in question

the defendant did not, in fact, run that red light.

And as the wheels of justice turn...

[ Under breath ] As the wheels of justice turn...

[ Normal voice ] They must not grind up

the defendant in the process.

Peachy.

Who is she?

This is Frieda, the defense's expert witness.

She's not old enough to be an expert on anything but acne.

Your Honor,

I belong to the Junior National Honor Society,

Chicago MENSA,

I received Lake Superior standing

at the Great Lakes Math Festival,

my grade average is A-triple-plus.

And she's gonna be

the first female President of the United States.

Webster, that's still secret.

Ah, the defense calls Officer Stewart to the stand.

Now, Officer Stewart, on the day in question,

you were at Clark and th, and you observed a certain

Webster Long doing just exactly what?

Barreled through the intersection,

ran the red light.

Are you saying that Mr. Long could not have made the green

in your judgement?

No, he could not.

I object, Your Honor.

First of all, stop doing...this.

And secondly,

you can only object to opposing counsel.

Not your own witness.

Oh, that's a good rule.

Just testing.

Oh, um, thank you, Officer Stewart.

But -- the defense may recall this witness

at a later time.

Oh, but of course you may.

May I approach the bench?

Since the testimony of just one witness

has been the judgement so far, we would like to reenact

the events of the day in question.

Why couldn't you tell me that from back there?

It just seemed more courtroom-ish this way.

Commence simulation.

Imagine, if you will, that fateful afternoon

when Webster Long leaves school exhilarated at the prospect

of testing his new bike.

He comes out of school and heads onto th Street

and arrives under the L and meets his first obstacle.

Train pulls out.

I don't wanna get dusted, so I kick in the turbos.

Actually, I don't have any turbos.

So I pedal real fast.

L tracks.

hours, train crosses th.

The light Mr. Long allegedly ran was to change at...

hours exactly.

Now it takes from under the L to that light exactly minutes.

As Mr. Long was barreling down th street, he sights...

Pizza.

Sal is loading pizzas into the Pinto.

Four extra large pepperoni.

:, Sal's Pizza.

Defense exhibit "A."

A time-stamped delivery order of four extra large pepperonis

to Ziggy's Body and Fender Shop.

Ooh.

Sounds big on olive oil.

About half a block later,

the delicate aroma wafts by of...

Bread. Bread baking.

Defense exhibit "B."

Well, I'll just scratch bread off my shopping list.

The Hometown Bakers begin their schedule every evening

at exactly the same time.

Therefore, at :,

a prevailing -knot wind brings bread aroma from bakery

four blocks north.

Now, Mr. Long is barreling down th Street

and as he approaches Clark Street hill,

he is coasting...

Tailwind.

The hill's gradient adds an acceleration factor of %.

Okay, cut, that's it.[ Gavel bangs ]

Yeah, no more, no more, the show is over.

May we confer?

Oh, sure, it'll be so courtroom-ish.

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

[ Clears throat ] Very well.

As Mr. Long approached the light,

the bell tower struck :.

And on the fourth bong, I glided through.

And on the stroke of :, the light is always green.

It never varies.

Therefore, we can state without reservation

that Mr. Long is innocent.

No way! I always write down the exact time of an offense.

:.

Officer Stewart...

what time do you have now?

[ Strained voice ] She did it again!

Ah, we get an awful lot of that ever since "L.A. Law."

Just tell her the time.

:.Aha!

Defense exhibit "C."

Set by the atomic clock at ArGo and labs every morning.

Officer Stewart's watch

is exactly minutes and seconds fast.

Now is it possible that you took your eyes off the light

for just a minute and looked at something else?

Ma'am, we're talking about duty here.

I was not distracted.

Well, jeez...

Maybe. When I was a kid, I always dreamed of owning

a bike like that.

Oh, thank you!

[ Inhales sharply ] The defense rests.

Due to a sudden lack of conclusive evidence,

it seems we must dismiss this case.

Bicycle is hereby released.[ Gavel bangs ]

[ Cheering ]

Math never loses.[ Laughs ]

Ma'am, you were great.

Oh, I was rather good, wasn't I?

Oh, man, I can't believe I'm getting my bike back!

Okay, who wants to help me de-snark it?

[ Theme song playing ]