06x12 - The Web-touchables (2)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Oo oo ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

- Last on "Webster."

Man, if I was alive back then

they wouldn't have needed Elliot Ness.

They'd of had me, Webster Long, g*ng buster.

[gentle bright music]

All right, men, I just had a meeting with the Mayor

and it's not gonna be as easy as we thought.

We're gonna have to work night and day to rid Chicago

of Dirty Sammy and his root beer empire.

- Well, back home it was pretty easy

seeing as how the bootleggers were all family.

- Dolls. Sure it is.

[upbeat music]

[cops laughing]

You won the first round.

It's the only one you'll win.

[soft jazzy music]

- Hey, you through, Long?

- No, Sammy. You're through.

[soft dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]

Reach for the sky!

[audience laughing]

- Oh no, you're packing a six rooter.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, well, um, I thought you were a Dirty Sammy.

- I guess I better change my perfume.

[audience laughing]

- So what brings you by?

- A Packard.

[audience laughing]

I heard Sammy and the boys gabbing.

And I think your fats in the fire.

- Okay, let's hear it.

But the facts, ma'am, just the facts.

[audience laughing]

Sorry, wrong cup. Go on.

[audience laughing]

- You're gonna get a tip from someone you trust.

He's gonna set a meeting at State and th.

But he won't show. A k*ller will.

He's gonna blast your guts wide open,

smear him from one end to the street to the other.

They'll be hanging from the lamp post.

They'll be hanging from the street lights.

They'll be hanging from- - I get the picture.

But why are you telling me this?

- I hate to see anyone get splattered. Even a cop.

[audience laughing]

- Is that all?

Because I thought I saw something else in your eyes

the other day.

- Well it's, well, you seem like such a swell guy.

- I am a swell guy.

And, uh, cute too.

- Don't push it.

Would you like to go out on a date?

- I'd love to.

- I can't.

- Sorry I asked.

[audience laughing]

- Look, Sammy owns the whole town and I'm part of it.

- Well, you can leave him.

- The last girl who left him

can't wear designer jeans anymore.

[audience laughing]

- I don't know what that means, but it sounds painful.

- Gee, I've always had the crummiest luck.

I mean, I get involved with the creep like Sammy

and then a swell guy with good grooming habits like you

walks into my life.

- Guess it's bad luck for both of us.

- You're the kind of guy who could have given me my dream.

A house with a fixed-rate mortgage, a rose garden in back,

pale blue shutters.

- And a white picket fence too.

- You knew. But it can never be.

[audience laughing] [somber music]

Webster, about tonight. Please be careful.

[gentle somber music]

[dramatic music]

What's the celebration for?

- Eh, this is a little soiree

'cause we're putting the kibosh on Webster Long.

- Great. If anyone deserves the kibosh, it's him.

- This is great. We just gave Long a tip.

He's gonna one of his own agents.

Ladies and gentlemen, a toast.

[gentle somber music]

- I've gotta warn Webster.

[gentle somber music continues]

[sirens whaling] [ominous music]

- All right. You've had it.

[dramatic music]

[Billy groans]

[somber music]

- Billy!

- Webster.

- Webster! Webster!

- You set me up.

- No, Webster.

- Sammy must take real good care of you

to get you to do something like this.

- No.

- Get outta here!

- Oh, Webster.

- Go on. Get outta here.

[ominous music]

[bright upbeat music]

[audience laughs]

[bright upbeat music continues]

[audience laughs]

[bright upbeat music continues]

[audience laughs]

[dramatic music]

- [Agents] Webster, what's happening?

What gives? [audience laughs]

- Guys, I'm getting outta the g*ng buster business.

The price is too high.

- These things happen, Webster. Everyone understands.

- You can't understand. Not until it happens to you.

If one of you guys k*lled me, you'd quit, wouldn't you?

- [Agents] Nah.

- I don't think so.

- What I did to Billy is grinding my guts.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

Of course it would be easier if I had a bed or a kitchen.

[audience laughs]

The worst part is

I have to send his things back to his family.

[chicken squawks]

It's over, men.

I'm outta here.

I'm dust. I'm old news.

I'm [indistinct], but will never be.

I'm rambling, aren't I?

- [Agents] Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

[audience laughs]

- Webster, isn't there anything we can say?

- No.

- Well, if we can't say it, we'll have to...

- [Agents] Sing it.

♪ We know that things look mighty grim ♪

♪ Poor, poor Billy, I'd hate to be him ♪

♪ But now's the time to fight ♪

♪ We gotta be strong ♪

♪ We're counting on you, the one and only Webster Long ♪

♪ You gotta stay, clean up this town ♪

♪ What's done is done. Don't let Chicago down ♪

♪ We're counting on you to see us through ♪

♪ Don't go ♪

♪ Well, I gotta get out ♪

♪ I botched the job ♪

♪ I k*lled Billy on count of that mob ♪

♪ I've had enough. I don't need this stuff, so long ♪

♪ What about Dirty Sammy and the rest of his mob ♪

♪ Get somebody else to handle the job ♪

♪ How about Angela ♪

♪ She's bad news ♪

♪ How can you leave ♪

♪ I've got my walking shoes ♪

♪ I'm splittin' the scene, I'm rollin' the joint ♪

♪ I'm past tense, do you get the point ♪

♪ I've had enough. I don't need this stuff, so long ♪

♪ I'm gone ♪

♪ If they ask for me, tell 'em Webster Long's done gone ♪

♪ Solid gone ♪

- [Agents] I get his desk!

- No! - It's my desk!

- Well, as you know, the making of a winning mob

is a lot like a, the making of a pie.

But then of course, if one of the ingredients is off

then the whole pie is lousy.

Well, when that happens,

you have to remove the bad ingredient.

[audience laughs]

Like you Tony, yous been robbing from me.

Get the creep outta here.

Hey, hey. But get the pie back.

I ain't done eating it yet.

[audience laughs]

Baby, this is a red letter day.

I got rid of a crook and Long.

Ain't it great?

- Yes, Sammy. Great.

- You know I'm sort of glad they cleared Long

of the k*lling.

- Oh?

- Of course, I would've been a witness for him.

- Oh? - Yeah, I was there.

I saw and heard the whole thing.

- Oh.

- Every word.

- I'm dog meat.

[audience laughs]

- How could you do it, sweet face?

I gives you everything. Jewels, Snickers bars.

What did Long ever give you?

- Self-respect.

- No problem.

Hey, Ernie, go, uh, go buy a truckload of self-respect.

- Sammy, you just don't understand.

- I understand double crossing.

I understand squealing.

I understand gratitude.

I don't understand Portuguese.

But I do understand two-timing.

- You-you-you're not gonna pie me, are you. Sammy?

- What, and waste a perfectly good pie?

No, I've got something worse for you, doll.

I think I'll have you do my dirty laundry.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

Starting with the, starting with this here jacket.

It ain't been cleaned in months.

[sniffs] Especially this sleeve.

[audience laughs]

[Sammy chuckles]

[somber music] [audience laughs]

[gentle music]

- Well, Billy, this is it.

You know, I'd give anything to hear you say you forgive me.

- [Billy] I forgive you, Webster.

- Thanks.

Well!

- [Billy] Webster, don't go.

- Billy, is that you?

- [Billy] Yes, Webster. Listen, you can't quit.

Our work is too important.

That's why I had to come back.

- Well, I, I thought you came back

because it was in the script.

- Well, that too.

- Well, someone else will have to do the job.

After what I did to you, I have nothing left.

- Webster, please. I don't wanna have d*ed for nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

[gentle somber music]

[bright upbeat music]

[audience laughs]

[bright upbeat music continues]

[audience laughs]

[bright upbeat music continues]

[audience laughs]

[bright upbeat music continues]

- [Webster] Why should I believe you?

- Because I didn't set you up the first time.

Sammy tricked me.

- Tell that to Billy.

- Oh, Webster, I know I'm no good.

I'm worthless, a low life, a waste of human being.

A, a...

- A zit on the face of humanity?

- Ew! [audience laughs]

Webster, you have to listen.

I just came from Dirty Sammy's and I heard it all.

They're unloading , cases of root beer

at Pier on Lake Michigan tomorrow morning.

I even know what they're gonna wear, sneakers.

[audience laughs]

- Come on.

If your gonna set me up, you can do a better job than that.

- Oh, what's the use?

[soft jazzy music]

- She's gotta be lying.

Of course she thinks I think she set me up,

so she'll expect me to think she's lying.

But if she expect that, then she's not lying.

But she knows I think she's lying

which means she thinks I'll go somewhere else.

[intercom buzzing]

Yes?

- [Secretary] Mr. Long, this is your offstage secretary.

You're thinking out loud again.

[audience laughs]

- And I'm giving myself a headache too.

Find everyone. We're going on a raid.

[bright upbeat music]

[gentle music]

- Here she is, boss.

- Why did I have to come down here?

- Well, 'cause unbeknownst to yourselves,

you sent Webster on a wild goose chase.

And I don't want you warning him.

He oughta be knee deep in Lake Michigan by now.

[audience laughs]

Oh, and I decided, you ain't doing my dirty laundry no more.

You're gonna work at the club cleaning toilets.

- After his laundry, that's a promotion.

[audience laughs]

- All right, Dirty Sammy. You're under arrest.

- Not Long! Darn, shucks, rats, and other cuss words!

[audience laughs]

- Talk about your spoiled brats.

- What gives, Webster?

Why ain't you down at the docks?

- Docks, Lake Michigan, water.

Every nose in town knows you don't go near water.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

- [All] Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

- So, I guess you're wondering how I knew it was this gym.

- Not really.

- Okay, I'll tell you.

This is the only gym that insists people

wear sneakers at all times.

- What are you talking about? Every gym requires that.

- Really? That was some lucky guess.

I could have busted an aerobics class.

[audience laughs]

- All right, Dirty Sammy. It's over for you.

- Not by a long sh*t.

Okay, men, let him have it.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat jazzy music] [audience laughs]

Hey, it looks like the Feds are fed up.

[gangsters laughing]

[upbeat jazzy music]

- Great, a picnic!

Hey, I brought the ants!

[upbeat jazzy music] [audience laughs]

[upbeat jazzy music] [audience laughs]

This is great!

I love this stuff!

[upbeat jazzy music] [audience laughs]

[Billy laughs]

[upbeat jazzy music] [audience laughs]

This is the last pie.

And guess who it's for?

Come on, guys, let's get him.

Goodbye, Mr. Long.

- Okay, wait, guys. Sammy, give me a break, man, please.

- No, no, not the water!

I'm melting! I'm melting!

- [All] Wrong story!

[audience laughs]

- Sorry.

- You had enough, Dirty Sammy?

- No! No, not the soap!

Not the soap! [audience laughs]

I gives up. You win.

What? Do you want me to stick my arms up too?

- [All] No!

[upbeat music] [audience laughs]

- Get him out of here, men.

- Oh, Webster. I never, well, I didn't...

- I know.

[whimsical orchestral music]

♪ Lift up your head ♪

♪ Wash off your mascara ♪

♪ Here, take my Kleenex, wipe that lipstick away ♪

♪ Show me your face ♪

♪ Clean as the morning ♪

♪ I know things were bad ♪

♪ But now they're okay ♪

♪ Silently Webster ♪

♪ Is standing beside you ♪

♪ You don't need no makeup ♪

♪ Don't have to pretend ♪

♪ Silently Webster ♪

♪ Is here to provide you ♪

♪ With sweet understanding ♪

♪ With sweet understanding ♪

♪ With sweet understanding ♪

♪ Webster's your friend ♪

[audience clapping] [triumphant music]

[bright upbeat music]