06x08 - The Chelsea Cat

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in, line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?

WEBSTER: I'm in here, ma'am.

Ah. Are you hiding

or just getting reacquainted with your high-tops?

Oh, I'm not hiding me. I'm hiding my baseball cards.

Oh. Why?

Ma'am, all this news about this cat burglar guy.

I didn't wanna go away for the weekend

and leave all my valuables out.

The baseball cards are valuable?

I thought it was the gum that was valuable.

Ma'am, a Mickey Mantle card that cost cents in the 's

is worth $ today.

Huh. You think people are foolish enough

to invest in gold.

Well...I have been assigned the dangerous task

of getting you to the airport on time.

So...let's go.

You know, ma'am,

maybe I shouldn't go with Tommy and his parents this weekend.

I mean, I lived this long

without seeing the Kalamazoo Air Museum.

It could wait.

Well, what about the antique airplanes?

What about the romance of Kalamazoo?

Ma'am, I'm worried about leaving you and George alone.

I mean, what if that cat burglar guy breaks in?

Well, it would be nice

to have a great, big strong guy like you around,

but we are getting an alarm,

and I think it's gonna be okay.

Okay.

But I left my Louisville Slugger on your bed just in case.

Great.

Nothing scares burglars more

than professional sports equipment.

You know, I've been thinking.

What if we turn off the alarm,

let the cat burglar guy sneak in,

and put all your homecooked vegetables out on the table?

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ] No way.

He's not getting our jewels or our roughage.

Hi, Harry. You about finished?

Yeah. Last window.

When I finish this,

you'll have yourself a top-notch alarm system...

for the price, that is.

Are you saying this is only gonna keep out cheap burglars?

No. No. It's just that, uh, some celebrities like yourself --

Thanks -- have the Concept Fort Defense Network.

Now that's a real major alarm system.

Your Neil diamond, your Charo, your Sinatra.

[ Chuckles ] Okay, I'll get one of those systems

as soon as I cut my first gold record.

Meantime, I'm just interested in keeping out

this -- this cat burglar.

Oh, yeah. How about that guy?

Uh, robberies in one week.

Make it . He knocked over a candy store last night.

No kidding. What'd he get?

He got $, and pounds of gummi bears.

[ Chuckles ] Thought my wife had a sweet tooth.

[ Clicks tongue ]

George, I'm home! Where are you?

Hi.[ Gasps ]

You scared me. I thought you were the burglar.

Burglar?

I'm a gangster of love, darling.

Oh!

Webster's gone, and it's just you and me.

[ Groans ]

And someone else.[ Chuckles ]

Hello.

[ British accent ] And you, of course, must be George.

I must.

Yes, and this is Lord Alfred.

You mean the man in the tobacco can?

No, no, no. That was Prince Albert.

This is Alfred, Lord Wormsley.

You remember I told you about him on my European tour?

You're the famous soccer player.

[ Sighs ] That was Klaus from Stuttgart.

No, no, no. This is Alfred from London.

Yes.

She makes friends wherever she goes.

[ Laughter ]

Well, actually, the pity is that I didn't run into Katherine

while I was growing up in the States.

You don't sound like an American.

[ Imitates American accent ] Oh, well, I'm only, uh,

half English.

Let's sit down.All right. [ Clears throat ]

Uh, you see, my, uh, mother was American. [ Chuckles ]

And my father was English.

Uh, they met while she was vacationing in England,

and unfortunately, the vacation lasted longer than the marriage.

So...I happen to be a lord who grew up in Connecticut.

And I happen to be a lord who was ecstatic

at running into Katherine today at the airport.

Oh, she was being reprimanded by a policeman...again.

Oh, he was ranting something about yellow zone,

white zone, loading, unloading.

Very boring. And then Alfred rescued me.

Oh, a-actually, that is how we met years ago in London.

At Parliament.

You're right.Mm-hmm.

That's -- oh, my.

I had parked my scooter in one of those places

reserved for the members of the House of Lords.

They take their parking space very seriously.

Ohh. Yes, and you found me that beautiful flat.

[ Chuckles ]

Introduced me to all those fascinating people,

and actually got me an invitation

to a reception at Buckingham Palace.

Uh, at the end of the evening,

you were dancing with Prince Charles, mm?

[ Sighs deeply ] What a time.

And you were a great friend.

Oh, please. It's your kindness,

allowing me to stay here a few days while I book those tours.

You mean "take"?

Oh, no. No, book. Book.

You see, uh, when my father Lord Wormsley d*ed,

I moved to England and I inherited a great big castle,

great big grounds, great big taxes,

and a tiny, tiny pension.

So to support it, I-I must sell tours.

We'll take one of those tours. I'd love to stay in a castle.

Oh! Good! That'll be fun.

You could be Henry VIII, and I'll be Anne Boleyn.

[ Laughs ] No axes.

[ Laughs ]

Well, Katherine, that was quite the meal.

You've certainly maintained your, um,

uh, your interesting culinary style.

Oh, thank you.

I was using my Untied Nations cookbook.

I'm working my up from the equator.

Uh-huh.

Well, the, um, Jamaican dish was a first for me.

I didn't... cook a Jamaican dish.

But the lamb chops with bananas?

Oh! That was a Brazilian dish.

But a bag of banana chips fell in, and I just said to myself,

What the heck?

Yeah. Last week, a-a jar of salsa fell in,

and, uh, we were blessed with Katherine's quiche Lopez.

[ Doorbell rings ]

You know, tomorrow,

I think that I'm going to do one of my own recipes --

Philadelphia veal.

Ah.

Cream cheese?Cream cheese.

Papa! Oh!Good evening, Katalina!

Mwah, mwah! Come in. Come in.Mwah, mwah! [ Laughs ]

I want you to meet a very good friend of mine from Europe.

Ooh! Don't tell me -- the flamenco dancer

oh! That's Juan Carlos from Barcelona.

No, this is Alfred, Lord Wormsley, from London.

Ooh! I never met a lord before!

[ Laughs ]Hello.

Once I met a duke.

He was a dog.[ Chuckles ]

This is George Papadapolis, my father-in-law.

Ah, pleased to meet you.

[ Laughs ] Ah, yes. Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No.

But I -- now that you have an alarm system...

Yeah?I don't want that cat burglar

to get his crummy paws on my valuables.

Well, then could we put this

in the safety deposit box at the bank?

No! The house is just fine.

It's only a little bond and some jewelry

and, uh, something special. [ Chuckles ]

A lock of my Georgie's baby hair.

Aw.Katherine: Ohh.

That's nice of you to save that, Pop.

Oh, it's nice and also maybe necessary

because someday you may want it back.

[ Chuckles ][ Laughs ] Oh, Pop.

Uh, we were just about to have dessert.

Will you join us? I've made a parfait a la Peru.

The, uh, United Nations cookbook again?

Yeah.

Thank you. No.Oh.

Uh, I have to rush home.

You see, George's station is putting on a special

about the cat burglar. I want to watch.

Well, wait a minute. Where you going? It's on right now.

Oh! Is it possible? Can we watch?

Well...yes. Of course. We could postpone the parfait.

I don't think those little tomatoes are cold enough yet.

[ Chuckles ]

I ran out of cherries.

Uh, let's wait a second. I just love the American news.

Um, no Fergie.

KATHERINE: [ Chuckles ]

Uh, George, you don't mind waiting, do you?

No. I hate it when the tomatoes in my ice cream aren't cold.

MAN ON TV: And serial burglaries of this kind

are not uncommon to history.

Take Claude Belmont,

the Parisian cat who prowled the rooftops of Paris

in the 's. On second thought,

why don't we turn in, get an early start?

Shh, shh, shh! Quiet.Ah, yes. Mm-hmm, yes.

...known as Der Berlin Katze,

arrested just last year in Dusseldorf.

Uh, didn't the Jamaican dish make anyone else drowsy?

[ Clearing throat ]Of course.

You -- you didn't really have any, did you?

...Chelsea Cat, who devastated London,

robbing jewelry worth over million pounds.

The Chelsea Cat was actually a nobleman --

Lord Alfred Wormsley.

Hello.

ALFRED: When the family fortune was gone,

I became desperate, and I... I took to burglary.

Now mind you, I-I never hurt anyone,

and, uh, I only took from the very, very rich.

Well, that's...sort of nice.

Katherine, your family's very rich.

Well, that's why I just said "sort of."

I was captured in ,

and I served five years at Southgate Prison.

I do assure you, the cat is...dead.

Well...[ sighs ] That's good enough for me.

They say that Elvis is dead, too,

but, you know, you hear stories.

Yes. Well, I understand your feelings, Mr. Papadapolis.

It is something I will always have to live with.

But do you have to live here?

Excuse us for a minute. Come here, Pop.

[ Whispers ] What?

[ Lowered voice ] He paid his debt to society.

Will you forget it?

Will you wake up and smell the ouzo?

Did you see the way he was looking at my valuables?

I'm sure the street value of my hair isn't that much, Pop.

Tell the truth. Come on. You believe his story?

Well, if Katherine says that she believes him, I believe him.

How can you believe him?

Katherine, I know he's paid his debt to society,

but does he have to be around here with all our valuables?

Oh, George. Alfred is my friend, and I trust him.

Do you think he'd like to see Wrigley field?

No. It's the only diamond he wouldn't be able to heist.

[ Scoffs ]

If Freud were here, he would tell you that you are obsessing.

Ha! If Freud were here, he'd be locking up all the silverware.

Katherine, I'd love to believe you, but...

If he was such a great friend of yours,

how come he didn't tell you about his past?

Well, I guess he was embarrassed.

Oh, come on. Let's face it. Everybody has something to hide.

Did you tell me everything about you before we were married?

I certainly did.

Really?Yes.

What about Sharon Gazinski?

Sharon Gazinski?

I don't recall that name.

Her photograph is taped

to the inside of your shoulder pads,

which are in the trunk upstairs in the attic.

Okay, okay. You made your point.

But I don't see how

one week in Greenwich Village with a Rockette

is equal to five years in the slammer, Katherine.

One week?[ Papers rustle ]

She was very tall.

Well, the point of this conversation is that

I don't think that my friend is Chicago's cat burglar.

Oh. Katherine, Katherine, I'd love to believe that.

Well, good. I'll give you three reasons.

One, he went to jail and served his time.

Number two, when I was in London,

I had a very bad reaction to some fish and chips.

In fact, I blew up so badly

that I looked like the Michelin man.

Alfred stayed with me for three days and three nights.

He was a really wonderful guy.

Well, that's very nice.

What about number three?

Well, the Chicago cat burglar

has been on the prowl for two weeks,

and I met Alfred today at the airport.

Yeah.Ohh. I like number three.

You're right. He's not the burglar.

Good. Where are you going?

I'm gonna get your jewelry out of the toilet t*nk.

Oh, I thought first The Art Institute,

then lunch at Marshall Field's.

Coffee?Mm. Of course.

And then perhaps the Sea Aquarium.

Oh. Well, it all sounds like great fun to me.

Oh, by the way, I insist that the two of you join me tonight

at the ballet.

[ Gasps ]"Swan Lake."

Oh! That would be wonderful![ Coffee pouring ]

We haven't seen a good pas de deux in months.

Have we, George?

Yeah. I was saying that the other day.

Well, then it's all set.

Uh, Chicago today, the ballet tonight.

And, uh, tomorrow, I wing my way home.

Hmm.

Why so soon? You just got here.

Oh, no. No, my dear boy.

When I met Katherine at the airport, uh,

I was seeing a friend off.

But you had luggage.

Oh. Well -- well, yes.

You see, um, we had been sharing a rather large suite

at The Ambassador, and, uh, when my friend left,

I needed to find more modest accommodations.

Uh, actually, I-I've been here in Chicago for over two weeks.

[ Footstep ]

[ Door closes ]

Aha!

[ Whispers ] Pop.

[ Whispers ] George.

[ Chuckles ] Looks like you left the ballet

during the seventh inning stretch.

Lord Alfred left after the first act.

I think he's in the house somewhere.

Ohh.What are you doing here?

Same thing you are, only with a crowbar.

You want upstairs or downstairs?

Just do me a favor. You go home and relax, okay?

I'll take care of it.

You gonna be all right?I'm fine.

Uh-huh.

Don't forget all those dirty fighting tricks

your cousin Spiro taught you.

[ Switch clicks ]

[ Loud rattle ]

[ Door creaks ]

[ Doorknob rattles ]

[ Door closes ]

Hold it right there![ Gasps ]

[ Switch clicks ]

Katherine?George!

Why aren't you at the ballet?

Well, I...dropped my... opera glasses

from the balcony to the first floor,

and I just... [ Inhales deeply ]

No, that's not true.

I've been worried.

Alfred has been here for two weeks.

And I didn't know if I should come back

and try and help you...

Okay. Okay, darling.

Listen to me now. Do me a favor.

I want you to go down to the Millers

and let me handle all this.

I don't wanna go to the Millers.

Please, darling. Just trust me on this one.

Go to the Millers.

[ Door creaks ]

All right.

[ Whispers indistinctly ]

[ Switch clicks ]

[ Back door closes ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Doorknob rattles ]

[ Closes door ]

[ Door opens and closes ]

Freeze, Mr. Chelsea Cat! Don't move a paw!

Papa.

I thought I told you to let me handle this.

Well, we -- we...[ Clattering overhead ]

[ Gasps, whispers ] He -- he's here!

[ Groans ] What?!Katherine: [ Screams ]

[ Shouts indistinctly ]Who are you?!

What...

It's Harry.Oh. Oh, w-was that yours?

Oh, Harry!

Jolly good show! Eh, wot?[ Speaks indistinctly ]

I, uh, noticed when I looked at your new alarm

an exposed terminal. Naughty, naughty

it seemed to have been intentionally miswired.

[ Gasps ] Alfred, I feel so awful.

I mean, I was thinking --Oh, no, no, no, please.

No, no. I-I should've told you.

I-I really didn't want you to worry.

All right. Come on, Harry. You go sit down over here.

I can't believe this. Pop, call the cops.[ Exhales deeply ]

Right. -. Good bust and all that cop stuff.

Wait a minute. You're the Chelsea Cat.

Yes.I love your work.

Oh.

The lute from Liverpool? Beautiful job.

[ Chuckles ] Thank you.Say, uh, maybe we could talk?

Oh, sure. Well, you know, Harry, I could give you a few tips...

Oh!

on, uh, how to survive in prison.

Oh.Katherine: [ Sighs ]

Well, everything is here.

I think this calls for a little celebration, don't you?

ALFRED: Here, here.George: Oh. Yes!

With a little, uh, Dom Pérignon ?

Yes!Hold it!

[ Sighs ] It's, uh, not in the kitchen.

ALL: Harry!

It goes great with gummi bears.

[ Theme song playing ]