06x14 - Doing Time at the Community Center

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

MAN: ♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

BOTH: ♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and then came you ♪

I am so excited, George!

I can't wait to tell the whole world!

Oh. Well -- well, tell me.

Oh, no, I can't tell anyone.

No, no, Dr. Dreidlman wants it kept under wraps.

Besides,

we all know how terrible you are at keeping secrets.

Tight Lips Papadapolis?

Tight Lips Papadapolis

told everybody at the motor vehicle bureau...

[ Whispers ] my age.

Come on, face it, darling.

That crowd in line was getting very, very ugly.

So come on. What's the secret?

No, no, I can't. I can't.

I just can't tell anybody. [ Chuckles ]

[ Inhales deeply ]

Okay, I'll tell you.

I am to oversee a man who has been sentenced to serve

hours of community service!

Sentenced for what?

Oh. I don't know. I mean, he's not violent.

I have got the most wonderful ideas

about how to mix community service and counseling.

And I picked up Dolinsky's book.

I'm gonna reread "The Criminal Mind,"

see if it gives me any new insights.

Do you know anything about him?

Well, he went to Harvard

and now he teaches at Northwestern.

No, no, no. The -- the criminal.

Oh. No.

No, but I except it's a pretty typical case.

You know, poor, broken family, no self-esteem.

Aw.

Darling, he is so fortunate to get someone like you.

So knowledgeable.

So worthy. So warm.

So loving. So sexy.

With real bad timing.

I would love to stay, my sweetheart, but...

Alas, I have to go to work. [ Clears throat ]

Keep that thought for later, huh?

[ Clears throat ]Okay.

But remember, this is top secret.

Absolutely nobody must know.

Okay, but if it's slow news night...[ chuckles ]

I can't promise.

[ Door closes ]

[ Singing indistinctly ]

Oh, hi, ma'am. When's the crook coming to the center?

"Donuts" DeMarco here.

Hey, I wanna get down

across on Evil Empire in the third.

No, I'm not calling from jail. [ Chuckles ]

I waltzed out of court with community service.

Hey, yeah, I'm gonna have to get my mouthpiece a present.

Ah, as soon as he gets out. [ Laughs ]

Get outta here.

Oh! See ya.You must be Mr. DeMarco.

Oh, my.

You're the one that wanted me to give you football tips.

And you're the lady who picked those games

on her husband's sportscast. [ Chuckles ]

Oh.Small world, ain't it?

Hey, too bad you quit.

You could really pick 'em, babe.

I remember now.

Yes, you made yourself comfortable behind my desk

that time, too.Oh, sorry.

You had a strange nickname.

Something to do with... pastries, was it?

Croissant? No.

Uh, bear claw? Oh.

Everybody calls me "Donuts."Yeah.

Hey, to show that there are no hard feelings,

I even got a hot tip for you in the third race.

Oh, no, Mr. -- Mr. DeMarco. No tips.

Now see, my boss, Dr. Dreidlman, has worked really hard

to get the program here at the community center,

and he has made me responsible for its success.

It is going to be a success, isn't it, Mr. DeMarco?

Sounds great. Hey. Bite?

No, thanks.

All I wanna do is pay off my debt to society.

Well, I'm really glad to here that.

I have made you a schedule for the next four weeks.

Uh...four weeks?

I figured I'd just have to do ten minutes

if I paid for it all up front.

All you have to do is put your John Hancock on my work forms,

and I'm off to the races.

[ Exhales ]

$.

You were gonna try and bribe me with $?

Sorry. I, uh, never paid off a shrink before.

See the smudge near the serial number?

It don't mean nothin'.

Tear down the middle don't mean nothin' either.

Oh.Here is your work schedule.

You'll be expected to keep it as is.

You and I will meet Monday, Wednesday, and Friday

for counseling.

This ain't gonna be no piece of cake, Donuts.

MAN: It's neck and neck between Legionnaire and Evil Empire!

Come on, Evil Empire!

What a race! As they come to the wire,

it looks like it's gonna be one of the --

[ Turns off radio ]

Sorry. I just rearranged the furniture

so I could get a good sweep in this place.

Oh. Well, I just wanted to see how you were getting on.

Mm-hmm.

[ Turns on radio ] And it's by a nose! What a finish!

What an unbelievable finish!

Who? Who won?

Such heart, such stamina, such courage! [ Turns off radio ]

[ Broom rattling ]

[ Turns on radio ] Can you believe it?!

The winner broke the track record!

Well, that's today's racing, folks.

Great. Tune in tomorrow.

Ah, it'll give me something to look forward to

in the paper tomorrow.

Let's see.

Shrink lady wants me to sweep.

[ Grunts ] I did that.

Pull up some weeds from out of the cracks in the sidewalk?

Mow a lawn?

[ Chuckles ] She's got to be kidding.

And DeMarco going for the hook sh*t.

bucks says he don't make it. You're on!

Off the rim! Ohh!

Okay, pay up.

Wow.

This is the first gangster I've ever seen

that wasn't on the news.

First one I ever saw that didn't cover his face with a newspaper.

This guy looks tough.

I wonder what he did.

Probably drove the getaway car in a bank heist,

and inside of getting the chair at the big house,

he sang, and they sent him here.

I saw it one of those old movies

that used to be in black and white

but now they're sort of in color.

[ Dice rattling ]

This guy looks creepy.

He kinda looks like our librarian before her face-lift.

Say, Web, ask him what he did.

He has to be nice to you.

Otherwise, your mom will throw him back in the slammer.

[ Whispers indistinctly ]

No. I don't want to

[ Boys speak indistinctly ]

Go.

Come on.I don't want to.

[ Whispers indistinctly ]

Uh, sir?

Hey, ya little rug rats.

Doughnuts?

I brought doughnuts.

Think I'd lay it all to protect myself?

No way.

I know horses. So...I book it all.

The horse runs eighth, and I pocket an easy G's.

That's neat!Huh?

BOYS: Yeah!

So tell us again

how you got lucky and won big at Arlington Park.

[ Mouth full ] Remember, kid.

It ain't luck when you're plugged into the backstretch.

It's skill.

Well, tell us again

how you skilled big at Arlington Park.

You know, kid, you could make a good wise guy someday.

Really?Right.

What's a wise guy?

It's a guy who knows all the angles,

knows where the action is,

and knows how to get things done.

Yeah. That's me.

Now while I'm here,

I'm supposed to hone up on my administrating abilities.

So...I got five potatoes

for anybody who wants to clean up that mess down the hall.

There it is. [ Laughs ]Boys: Me!

All right. Now you've got, uh, two pair.

You got a -- whoa!

Three deuces, pair of ladies.

Now you? You've got, uh -- ooh, you got a pair of...

Donuts! I finished washing your car.

She's not just a car. That's Rosie, my pride and joy.

And I mowed and raked the lawn.

There's sure a lot of dogs in this neighborhood.

[ Laughs ] There ya go, ya little furballs.

Hey. Hey, Ryan, here's bucks.

Take this stuff out.

Uh, ditch it out by the dumpster, will ya?

Now where was I?

Well, we were playing seven-card stud...

[ Speaks indistinctly ] in the middle.

I love it. I'm here ten days, and you're talking like a pro.

Hey, you said you'd teach us dice.

Who's got a blank?Oh, can we do it later, Donuts?

See, we have to go to arts and crafts

and work on our popsicle stick log cabins right now.

Log cabins?

The guy on the spot lived in one of those, right?

Lincoln lived in a popsicle stick house?

Hey, looks real good in here.

WEBSTER: Hey, Jeffrey,

what are you gonna do with all your potatoes?

I'm gonna get a bet down on that dodgeball game,

put my money to work for me.

[ Chuckles ] And people complain about kids today. Huh.

WEBSTER: Hi, ma'am.KATHERINE: Hi, honey.

WEASEL: Hi, Mrs. Papadapolis.Hi, Weasel.

BOY: Hi, Mrs. Papadapolis.Hello.

Whoa. This is quite...

Hey, would you look at this? I missed a spot.

You've got to be thorough.

Well, this is really good.

Our talks really got me thinking.

I want more of that self, um...

What did you call it? Self, uh...

Esteem?Yeah.

I wanna be rolling in that stuff.

So what's the problem, counselor lady?

Hmm?

You look a little surprised.

Well, Donuts, this is quite a turnaround.

Hey, I am the prince of turnaround.

Well, yeah. Can't chat. Lots of work to do.

You're wrong, Weasel.

The daily double is the winner of the first two races.

[ Loudly ] What?

The daily double is the winner of the first two races.

I thought that was the exacta.

No, the exacta is the win horse and the place horse.

In that order. Now come on, guys. Let's go.

Hi. Hi. Hi, guys.

[ Chuckles ] Exactas? Daily doubles?

Is this, uh, something new in social studies?

Uh, no, ma'am. It's Donuts.

He's been teaching us a lot of neat stuff.

Yeah. I learned the difference between a daily double

and an exacta.

Information one cannot possibly live a full life without.

Does, uh, Donuts have anything to do

with those, uh, new skateboards?

Yeah. He's paying us to help rehabilitate him.

Oh. How do three seventh graders help to rehabilitate an adult?

Well, he's learning how to administrate.

Yeah, and we clean up the stuff,

and he tells us how we're doing by paying us.

You guys are not helping him a bit.

But he said that's the way he works,

by playing all the angles.

Webster Long, come and look at me with both eyes and tell me

that you did not know what you were doing was wrong.

Well, ma'am, I can look you in the eyes...

Mm-hmm.

...and I can tell you I didn't,

but not at the same time.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

All right, have a good skate.

Tomorrow, Donuts is gonna find out

he's not the only one who can play all the angles.

Um, ma'am, can I at least keep my nickname

Webster "Knuckles" Long?

Sure. I can't imagine why I didn't think of it years ago.

All right. [ Giggles ]

Oh, Mr. DeMarco?

Oh! I have to congratulate you.

My goodness, your progress has been spectacular.

I mean, it's almost unbelievable.

Hey. You motivate me like no broad ever has.

Oh! What a lovely compliment.

Do you have a minute?Sure.

Here. Uh...

I know that you're spending a lot of time with the kids.

Mm-hmm.

And I wondered if you...

Well, if you'd noticed anything strange about them.

Strange?Yeah.

You know, it just... [ Sighs deeply ]

Well, they've all come home with new skateboards

and walkmans, and...

I just don't understand how they could afford them.

You know those little dust bunnies can be resourceful.

I'm sure they can.

Can we talk plainly?

I don't want you to ruin

a worthwhile program that could do a lot of good.

Yeah. Well, sure. That would be a shame.

Well, it's an even bigger shame

that you're not taking advantage of it.

I mean, why do you think you were sent here?

'Cause I plea bargained.

No, because they thought

that you could learn to feel a part of a community,

not just somebody who works out of a pay phone.

What's wrong with that?I don't know.

What's wrong with always looking for an angle?

You know, cutting corners,

never knowing who your real friends are,

living on the --hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey, hey, that's what I do.

Now I do pretty good for myself.

Long as I stay one step ahead of the game,

I got nothing to worry about.

Do you have family?

Family?Mm-hmm.

You know, a Mrs. Donuts, maybe a couple of pop tarts.

Oh, you mean like them kids out there. [ Chuckles ]

You like 'em, don't you?

Aw, they're a pretty good little bunch of throw pillows.

Mm-hmm. They look up to you.

Me?Mm-hmm.

Hey. Well...all right. [ Chuckles ]

Not all right.

You're a bad example.

I know I'm not Mother Teresa, but what did I do?

You're turning their heads the wrong way.

I mean, my son now wants to be called Knuckles.

That's terrible.

He's not a "Knuckles." He's more like a "Fingers."

Come on, Donuts. You know we're not talking about names.

We're talk about kids

who should be working to get on an honor list,

not on the most wanted.

You have...what, just a couple hours left to serve?

Could you think of something to show them

that maybe a gambler's life isn't so glamorous?

It isn't?

Okay. [ Mouths word ]

I-I just don't know what to do.

Well, I had an idea.

Yeah? Hey!

Well, hey, if it's a good one and it works out okay,

I'll split the action with ya.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

It'll be fun

if you come back in minutes and you shake me down real good.

Hey, you want for me to rough you up a little?

No. It's Mrs. Papadapolis' scam and she don't want no v*olence.

And don't forget 'cause she'll be here.

Right. I'll play along.

And no bad language either.

No v*olence, no bad language.

Hey, where's the fun?

Hey, back door.

BOYS: Donuts! Donuts!

Oh, hey, baker's dozen! How ya doing? Hey.

Hey, now listen up.

The Donut is almost outta here.

But in the future, I want you guys to keep your noses clean.

You understand?Yeah.

You know, we're gonna miss hearing about

The Meatball, Blinky, and all the other wise guys.

Not me. I'm gonna miss all those potatoes.

Ah! Hey! Now the first thing that we're gonna do...

Al "The Shark" Sullivan.

Hey, okay, you guys, uh, let's all go over to the table here.

We'll -- I'll teach you a new game. Come on over here.

All right. Listen up. Uh...

Uh, play a little cards, and, uh, whatever you do,

don't leave the table. Okay? All right.

All right.

[ Lowered voice ] You can't bother me here.

This place is like -- it's like one of them churches.

You lost a bundle on Evil Empire.

Personally, I ain't seen it.

You ain't trying to welsh, are ya?

Okay, Al, you know I'm good for it.

Hey, there's a sure thing in tomorrow's future --

Tomorrow?

You could have a terrible accident before tomorrow.

Things is always falling outta windows.

You could be one of them.

Here. Here. Here.

That's all my potatoes.

[ Laughs ] That's a nice pinkie ring.

Oh, not my pinkie ring. That's -- it ain't worth much.

Maybe it'll be worth more

with the pinkie attached.

I don't think this is gonna cover it.

Aw.

This definitely is not gonna cover it.

And don't forgot

that goat Princess Deborah in the eighth race.

She ain't crossed the finish line yet.

Al, gimme a little more time.

I mean, all I got left is my car.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, Al.

You wouldn't take Rosie, would ya?

I'd be happy to.

[ Singsongy ] You still owe me.

Jeez, al, all I got left are my doughnuts.

Yeah.

[ Lowered voice ] Katherine Papadapolis.

[ Mouths words ]No, it's okay. It's okay.

I was in my high school production of "Guys and Dolls."

Hey, lady, this is my busy season.

And there's still a matter of those basketball games you lost.

You're good.

Now listen. Don't be frightened when I start to yell...

[ Whispers ] 'cause I've got a loud voice.

[ Clear throat ] Would you get out of here?

I don't wanna see your face

unless it's in silhouette on the evening news.

What's this dame's problem?

Are you going to get out or do I have to throw you out?

Better get me what's mine,

or...

[ Lowered voice ] Nice touch.

Wacko dame.

[ Clears throat ]

Man, I don't believe it.

Yeah. That Donuts ain't tough at all.

Ma'am, I don't want to be a wise guy anymore.

It's not worth it.

That guy was... [ Chuckles ] tough.

I mean, if I didn't know he was a friend of yours...

That was Al "The Shark" Sullivan.

Oh. Good. Well, you can thank Mr. Shark for me later.

No, Mrs. P., he's a real enforcer.

He collects kneecaps.

This town is full of guys named "Lefty" thanks to him.

You mean...

he was a...

real...

[ Groans ]

Exactly.

[ Mouth full ] Doughnut?

[ Theme song playing ]