06x07 - The Crush

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

DAN: Well, it's getting late.

Okay, kids, that's about it for today.

See you Wednesday.

Bye!Bye!

Hey, Web, wait. Hold up.

So, what's the future gymnastic star

doing this weekend?

Oh, not much. My dad's out of town,

so we had to cancel our grudge foosball tournament.

Oh, well, maybe you'd like to check out

a real gymnastics meet.

There's one Saturday at the college.

You want to go with me?

Does Andre the Giant grunt?

[ Chuckles ] I guess we're on, then.

Uh-oh. I'm late for the team rap session.

I'll race you!

So, she told me to call, but every time I did,

she said she was washing her hair.

[ Chuckles ] What, do all women

wash their hair three times a day?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Clears throat ] Oh, you're kidding.

See, a lot of these problems

seem to be about dating, right?

Yeah. Yes.

And maybe, uh, part of the trouble is that

we don't communicate honestly with the opposite sex.

Well, no, Mrs. Papadapolis,

I mean, that can't be the problem,

'cause, like, I was honest with my boyfriend.

See, he goes, "Let's go see 'sh**t to k*ll,'"

and I go, "Well, you know,

I'd really rather see 'Moonstruck.'"

So he goes, "Go by yourself."

So, like, I still haven't seen it,

and, I mean, where did honesty get me?

Um, well, honesty saved you from

at least two hours of gratuitous v*olence.

Oh, my gosh.

Dating is a big subject,

and we're not gonna be able to finish it today,

so why don't we pick it up next time, okay?

Thank you. See you then.

Bye, Mrs. Papadapolis.Bye-bye.

See you next week.

Hey, I'm gonna stick around here a bit.

Copy from someone else.

Oh. Dan, is it?

Yeah.

Is, um... is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's okay.

Everything's -- [ Chuckles ]

I, uh, I wanted to t-talk to you.

Sure.

I, um...

[ Chuckles ]

I think I'm going to need

a little more information to go on.

[ Chuckles ]

I, um...

I have a lot of trouble talking to girls.

Oh.

Like, um, like in Physics

when I wanted to tell Mimi Staller

that she was doing a really good job,

I said, "Uh, that's a great set of pulleys you have."

[ Clears throat ] And she --

She threatened to report me to the morals monitor.

Hmm.

Do you have any trouble talking to guys?

Well, no, but, I mean,

you don't have to impress the guys, you know.

I mean, they don't care if you get a zit

or you scratch yourself.

I don't think you should worry about

trying to impress the girls.

Scratching?

Um, Dan, would you help me move this?

Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry.

Sure. Yeah.

I think that you need a little more self-confidence

that girls are gonna like you for yourself.

You know, you're a --

a very nice, good-looking, young man.

Any girl would be delighted to be with you.

Well, uh, the girl I have in mind is, uh...

She's a -- she's a little more m-mature than I am.

Oh. An older woman, huh?

A little. Um...

But she probably doesn't want to have anything

to do with me.

I mean, would you look twice at a younger man?

Well, I think, uh, Michael J. Fox is adorable.

I almost made it through "Teen Wolf."

[ Chuckles ]

Well, um, how would I start?

I mean, what would I say to her?

Well, a compliment never hurts.

What if she's a liberated woman like yourself?

[ Laughs ] All women like to know

that a trip to the beauty parlor is worth it.

Okay. Anything else?

Well, uh, let me see.

Women like men who talk to them

about things they're interested in.

Nothing ends a conversation quicker than

when someone says to me, "Hey, how about them Cubs?"

"No Cubs."

Um, is there anything else?

Well, once you feel the conversation is going well

and you think the time is right,

you could, uh, I don't know,

take her hand and tell her how much you care about her.

"Take her hand and say..."

Dan. Dan.

You don't have to write everything down.

It's going to come naturally, like learning to swim.

Oh. Right, right.

You know, it's -- it's a lot easier talking to you

than I -- than I thought it'd be.

Well, good. We can talk any time you like.

You're a gymnast.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm on the, uh, the school team.

And I also teach here.

[ Sighs ]

You are Webster's Dan.

Oh, I've heard about you all the time at home.

You're Webster's mother?Yeah.

Small world, isn't it?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey, Web, it's Dan!

Hey, all right!

Come on in.Hey.

Hah!Hah!

I just stopped by to drop off

your, um, ticket for the gymnastics meet.

But aren't we going together?

Right. Um...

Actually, I-I came to ask your mother

if it's okay if I took you.

Is she, uh, home?

No.

But she'll be back soon.

[ Sighs ]

She's picking up some Chinese food.

She was gonna cook, but I blew out the pilot light

so she'd think the stove was broken.

[ Chuckles ] Her cooking's not so hot, huh?

Not for eating.

But I once entered her casserole in a science fair

and won "honorable mention."

You know, a woman like that

shouldn't be stuck in the kitchen.

I mean, it's a waste of a good mind

and, uh, some other things.

[ Door opens ]KATHERINE: I'm home, Web!

That's Ma'am! Come on!

Oh, hi, Dan.

I -- Well, I...

[ Chuckles ]

Ma'am, Dan wants to know if he could

take me to the gymnastics meet Saturday.

Well, sure. Webster mentioned it yesterday.

I think that's really nice.

Okay, well, I've got to unpack

the sizzling rice soup.

Last time, it sizzled right through the box.

Hey, Ma'am, can Dan stay for dinner?

Well, if it's okay with Dan.

Would you like to join us?

Yeah, I'd really like that.

I-I mean, I'd really, really like that.

Well, we'd be really, really happy to have you.

Wouldn't we?

I'll really, really set the table.

Yippee!

I'm gonna go wash my hands.

[ Sighs ]

Mrs. Papadapolis, you look very nice tonight.

Oh. [ Clears throat ]

You have lovely earrings. They match your eyes.

Thank you.

You know, I think you're the first man

that's ever told me that my eyes look like bananas.

[ Chuckles ] You look very nice, too.

Now, is this some kind of a special occasion?

Well, I thought it was time that I [Clears throat]

started dressing my own age, you know.

I'm trying to be more mature.

Aha.

Well, you know, come to think of it, you do look older.

I could easily mistake you for .

Well, it's probably my five o'clock shadow.

I haven't shaved for three days.

Ooh. Very Don Johnson-ish.

Now, is this all for this older woman?

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure that she's going to be very impressed.

You think so? Oh, sure.

Now, you have to remember to tell me

everything about it, okay?[ Chuckles ]

Um, Mrs. Papadapolis?Mm-hmm?

I thought maybe we could talk about, um...

current events or fashion

or modern trends in clinical psychology.

Unless you're not into any of that.

Well, I-I am really into that,

but quite honestly, I'm more into

getting this moo goo gai pan on the table

while it's hot.I love that topic.

Here, why -- why don't I help you?

Uh, Dan, I appreciate the assistance, you know,

but, um... I've been ladling for years.

Now...

why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?

Um, well, it's you, Mrs. Papadapolis.

I love you.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, Dan, I don't know what to say. [ Chuckles ]

[Humming] comes to mind.

When you were talking, I --

I just assumed that this older woman

was, um, .

You couldn't be much older than that.

I mean, what are you, ? ?

Let's just say I've been both.

Well, even if you were over , I wouldn't care.

Oh.

Thank you. That is very dear of you.

Oh. I'm very flattered.

But the truth is that I already have

a tall, athletic man in my life.

Um...is it very serious?

He's my husband.

But is it very serious?

Dan!Oh, I'm -- I'm sorry.

I-I haven't been thinking right.

Um...

It's just that ever since we met, I --

All I can think about is being with you.

I know this is kind of hard

for you to believe right this minute,

but there's gonna be a lot of girls in your life.

Uh...girls that you'll have, um,

well, something in common with, you know, like homework --

No, no. No way. Um...

I'm never gonna let myself look like a jerk again.

Dan. Dan!

Where's Dan?

He, um... had to leave rather suddenly.

He wasn't feeling well.

Gee, he seemed okay a minute ago.

I guess it's one of those strange diseases

that come on real suddenly like in a movie of the week.

DAN: Okay, now, for the perfect "L,"

you want to keep your toes pointed,

your knees straight, and your head up.

You got that, everybody?ALL: Yes.

Okay. Thank you, Michael.

Well, that's about it, kids. Um, I'll see you next time.

Get your shoes outside.ALL: Bye!

And no cartwheels by your mother's good china.

Dan the man!

I'm ready for our extra practice.

Uh, look, Web --

Are we gonna work on the horse today?

I think I'll rope me a few doggies.

Ride 'em, kemosabe.

Look, Web, I can't work out with you today.

And I won't be able to take you

to that gymnastics meet this weekend.

Um...

Something's come up.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, can we have extra practice tomorrow?

[ Sighs ] I don't think so, Web.

Uh... I'll see you around, okay?

Okay.

Clue number three.

Mrs. Peacock in the library

with the candlestick.

Mrs. Papadapolis in the hallway

with the sneaker.Hi, Ma'am.

Hi. I found this in the oven.

Oh, yeah. I was drying it out.

I stepped in a puddle.

Well, the other shoe didn't get wet?

I was hopping.

Oh, well, as soon as you learn to walk on your hands,

these problems will be solved.

Except I'm not going to learn.

Oh? I thought Dan was teaching you.

He says he doesn't have time for extra practice anymore

or to take me to the gymnastics meet.

I see.

I just don't understand!

I thought we were pals!

But suddenly he's acting like I have broccoli breath!

Web --

You mean I do have broccoli breath?

Dan is upset about something,

and I think that's why he's acting strange.

Why is he upset?

Well, you know when you want something a lot

and how disappointed you are when you don't get it?

You mean like when I wanted Snorkel Man for Christmas

and I got bow ties?

Yeah, like that.

So, Dan is disappointed, and he's feeling funny about it.

But what was it he didn't get?

Oh, I know! He always wanted a pickup truck!

You're not even warm.A light cycle?

Honey, Dan has a crush on me,

and he wanted me

to like him the same way.

You mean Dan wanted you?

That's right.

More than a pickup truck?

I think I have some advantages over a lowriding flatbed.

Yeah, but with a pickup, you can go fun trucking.

What can Dan do with you?

Well, it's kind of hard to explain.

All I can tell you is that he was attracted to me.

But why? You're a mother!

A condition from which I hope one day to recover.

The point is that Dan liked me very much

and I couldn't return his feelings,

and I think that he feels...

uncomfortable being around you.

Ma'am, I know you're trying to cheer me up,

but you have to admit, that is a pretty crazy story.

It's the truth!

I think Dan just doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

Dan?

Uh, Mrs. Papadapolis. Hi.

Uh, could we talk?

Look, I'm really sorry about the other night.

Well, I am, too,

and if ever you want to talk about it, I'm here.

But right now, I'd sort of like to discuss Webster.

And, um, it would be easier for me

to do this face-to-face than face-to-knee.

Thanks.

Um...

Webster thinks that you don't like him anymore.

Where would he get a crazy idea like that?

Well, maybe from the crazy way that you canceled

the practice sessions and the gymnastic meet.

I'm sorry. It's just...

Every time I look at him, I, um...

I remember what a jerk I was.

Besides, he must know by now

how I made a fool out of myself.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, actually...

he thinks I'm the one that looks foolish.

I just couldn't convince him

that you would want me more than a Chevy x.

[ Chuckles ][ Laughing ] Actually,

I couldn't convince him

that you'd want me more than anything.

[ Laughs ]

Whoa. Whoa, ho, ho, ho.

Wait a minute, young man.

Is this the same person

who was so full half an hour ago

that he could not finish his broccoli?

Yes.

But I got unfull just enough

for a ham, cheese, jam, and pickle sandwich.

Ham, cheese, jam, and pickle.

Oh-ho.Mm-hmm.

I think I'm going to put Pepto-Bismol on alert.

But wait, my stomach can handle this.

Mine can't.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, get that, will you, honey?

Dan.

Hey, Web. How's my star pupil?

[ Sighs ] I guess I deserved that, didn't I?

Look, I'm -- I'm really sorry about the other day.

Could we, um, could we just forget that?

Why were you acting like that? Was it something I did?

No, no, Web. It had nothing to do with you.

I was just acting like a dope.

Um, it'll never happen again.

Then are we still friends?

You bet you.

Hah!Hah!

You know what Ma'am thought was the problem?

Uh, what?

You'll never believe this.

She thought that you liked her

the way He-Man likes She-Ra.

You know what I mean? [ Laughs ]

Uh, well...

If I ever was gonna like, um,

an older woman/mother-type -- not that I ever would...

No way.

...your mother would be pretty high on my list.

Really?

You know, Web, I happen to have an extra ticket

to this gymnastics meet this weekend,

and, uh, you know,

a lot of guys are really interested in it,

but I think I'll give it to the first person who can do...

a headstand.

That's me!

Oh, Dan. What a nice surprise.

Guess what, Ma'am?

Dan's taking me to the gymnastics meet after all.

Oh, that's wonderful. So you must be feeling better.

Hmm? How are things?Things are fine.

No, I mean how are things? Oh, those things. Yeah.

[ Laughs ] They're fine, too.

You sure?

STACY: Oh, Dan, are we, like, going or not?!

You're sure.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Papadapolis!

I can't wait for your next rap group.

I mean, I met so many sensitive guys there.

Are you ready? I mean,

we have to get there before Cher falls in love, okay?

Bye.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, bye-bye, Mrs. Papadapolis.

Bye.

See you Saturday, Web.

It's gonna be a great meet, right, pal?

Right, pal.

Hah!Hah!

[ Theme song plays ]