06x13 - Rich Man, Poor Man

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in, line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Oh, man. Me on stage in a play?

I'm so jazzed!

You know, I bet I'll win an Oscar.

Oh. [ Laughs ] I think they're called Tonys,

but should you win a Tony, I hope that you will remember

your extraordinarily devoted director. What was her name?

None other than the super talented

Katherine Calder-Young Papadapolis.

Oh! I'm so glad you remembered. Oh. [ Laughs ]

[ Doorbell rings ]I wonder if they

can get the whole name on the Tony.

Oh! Charles! Oh, wow! The surprise!

What are you doing here?

Visiting you, Jelly Bean.

Good![ Chuckles ]

Oh! The Duke of the Midwest.

Uncle Charles![ Chuckles ]

Let the good times roll.[ Door closes ]

And how is your dynamic, jet set, PG--rated life?

Well, I'm gonna be in a play. You wanna hear my lines?

I certainly do.

An inspiring performance is what my spirits need.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, yes. Nice. An actor prepares.

[ Inhales deeply ]

An actor prepares for a long time.

Hit it, Pacino.

[ Knocks ]

[ Under breath ] The door.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe?

[ Clapping ]

Bravo! Bravo!

Short but decidedly brilliant.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Do I detect that your spirits

aren't quite as... spirited as usual?

Well, I had a sort of spiritual catharsis

while I was floating around Monte Carlo

in my new yacht.

Not exactly the Wailing Wall, but go on.

I suddenly looked up, and all I saw was phoniness.

Nothing was real,

especially my so-called friends --

people who judge a person by his lineage and portfolio,

not by his character.

You realize that no one has ever called me "Chuck"?

Me either.

I desperately yearn

to see how the other half lives.

Well, we watch a lot of TV.

For one week, I'll be your humble cousin,

ready to share the daily routine,

eager to adopt the proletariat way of life,

TV and all.

Webster and I would be very happy to have you, wouldn't we?

Fantastic! I'll pour a quick Courvoisier

and then I'll hit the steam room.

Uh...ahem. Would you settle for fruit juice and a shower?

[ Gasps and chuckles ] Right.

You're -- you're gonna have to watch me,

but -- but look, I'm carrying my own bag.

This time, just let your feelings really go.

You know, Emily has been putting you off too long,

and -- and you really wanna let her know how you feel.

Okay.Gotcha. [ Clears throat ]

[ Haltingly ] "Oh, come on now, Emily.

"There's no sense denying your feelings for me.

You're a woman. I'm a man -- "

Uh, stop, Mr. Brock. Um... [ Chuckles ]

Um...

This is a British play, and, um, uh,

and Russell Critchfield is a British character,

and so...maybe...you could try it with a British accent, and...

Hey, that's good.

Kinda like that, uh, method acting thing, huh?

Kinda like that.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Continues inhaling ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Feet stomp ]

[ Haltingly, normal voice ] "Oh, come on, now, Emily,

"there's no sense denying your feeling for me.

You're a woman. I'm a man -- "

Thank you very much, Mr. Brock. That was very good.

Um, we'll let you know.

Nailed it, huh?

Okay, now thank you very much. Who's next?

Is this Mr. De Marco? No, no, this is, uh, Mr. Schmidt.

Jawohl, frau director.

Thank you very much.

If we decide that Russell Critchfield

should have a different look, we'll call you.

[ Gasps ] Oh!Oh, I --

I'm sorry.

It's the, uh, the fault was entirely...

You are absolutely...

Hi, Willa.

Um...hi. Just thought I'd come over

and see how the auditions were going.

Have you found our Russell yet?

Well, if we use the last one,

we'd have to change the name of the character

to Spike Critchfield.

[ Imitating British accent ] Oh, come now, Emily.

You can't deny your feelings for me any longer.

You're a woman, and I'm a man.

But better still...

I'm a man,

and you, by God...

are a woman.

I am? I mean... Of course I am.

Thank you.

Oh! The play.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I think we've got our Russell. Oh! [ Laughs ]

See you guys tomorrow.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, thank you.Mm.

Oh. That look can only mean one thing.

Either you have a big crush,

or you've just eaten bad veal.

I haven't had veal for a week.

Remember... [ Clears throat ]

I'm just your normal, working class cousin, right?

Right, Rocco.[ Clears throat ]

Willa, would you like to join us?

Oh, okay. But I only have a few minutes

till my bus gets here.

[ Lowered voice ] The bus! She takes the bus, Katherine.

This woman is a true rarity.

[ Lowered voice ] Especially in Chicago.

Nobody takes the bus.

It'd just be her and a Filipina nurse.

Before you, uh,

before you catch your bus...

I'd just like you to know

what a great pleasure it was acting with you.

Well, that's very sweet, Charles.

[ Chuckles ]

I suppose I'm keeping you from your bus.

Well, I'll take a later one.

Fantastic.

Charles?

Willa?

Would you mind if I called you "Chuck"? [ Chuckles ]

You've made me a very happy man.

[ Clears throat ] Well, I, uh,

think I could just be going along now.

Gee, if you really have to.

Bye. [ Chuckles ]

[ Singsongy ] Don't miss me too much.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe?

Which one do you think is the best, ma'am?

Well, they're all kinda good, you know,

but I am...

I'm willing to let the actor make his choice.

You know, you're a great director.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I was reading this interview

with Orson Welles, and --

I just hope I don't get stage fright tonight.

There are gonna be a lot of people there.

Well, if that's gonna be a problem,

we'll just lock them out.

Lock them out? I like that.

Now you think you feel less nervous?

Hey, yeah.

I was reading this interview

with John Huston, and he said that --

I think I'll go practice upstairs in my bathroom.

The echo makes my voice sound much older.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, Willa. How are you?

Hi, Katherine. I just wanted your opinion

on which dress I should wear tonight.

Well... They're both lovely

and quite right for the character.

Um, but...

I'm willing to let the actor make a choice for herself.

Oh.

Oh, Katherine, I owe you so much for this past week.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Well, that's just

part of the director's job.

I read this interview with Billy Wilder,

and he said --

Oh, no. No, no.

I meant for introducing me to Chuck.

Oh.

He is such an inspiration,

quitting school at years old to work in the bean fields

so he could support his mother and four sisters.

[ Laughing ]

[ Continues laughing ]

[ Laughs ] Oh.

[ Laughs and coughs ] Our family has always

used laughter to help us through adversity.

Oh, well, I admire you so,

but your lives are like something

out of a Steinbeck novel.

I mean, how many men do you know

who were born in a Pennsylvania coal mine

and who can recite an entire Italian opera?

Oh...not more than half a dozen.

Sometimes I-I feel like I'm in love

with two different men.

Well, that's not surprising.

[ Laughs ]

Did you say the "L" word?

I sure did. Uh, we're going out for dinner tonight

after the play.

And I wouldn't be surprised if at the end of the evening,

there weren't a proposal.

Oh, uh, Willa, you think

he's going to ask you to marry him?

Oh, well, that's possible,

but I'm thinking of asking him.

[ Laughs ] Bye.

Bye.

MAN: minutes to curtain, everyone.

WEBSTER: Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Charles, before you and Willa go off after the play --

Willa? You know, she even called me "Chucky" last night?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

I tell you, Jelly Bean, it's entirely possible

that I'm falling in love with her and she with me.

Oh, no, she's not falling in love with you.

What?No, I've spoken to her.

She's falling in love with somebody

who has had a harder life than the boat people.

Well... [ Laughs ] Well, it's entirely possible

that I may have been carried away a wee bit.

Oh, a wee bit? [ Chuckles ]

The only thing you left out

was when the family lost the burro.

Charles, you have got to tell her the truth about yourself.

Well, I plan to get around to it eventually.

Eventually? This woman is thinking

about asking you to marry her.

Really?Yes, really.

[ Chuckles ] How extraordinarily wonderful.

I'll see her now, explain everything,

and ask for her hand first.

Well --It will go grandly.

I --

You've been wonderful. Brutal, but wonderful.

I admire you for it.

Thank you. I read an interview

with Bernardo Bertolucci --Later, Jelly Bean.

[ Humming ]

[ Whispers ] Thank you.

Oh.

Oh! Oh, Charles.

Break a leg, as they say.

[ Laughs ] You, too, my dearest,

but first, this is so rich.

[ Laughs ] Charles, what?

All right. [ Clears throat ]

You know, I've always given the impression

that my finances were, let's say, uh, distressed.

Yes.

Well, they're not, and I'm not.

I'm wealthy. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] What are you talking about?

It's all so amusing. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]You see,

I gave the impression that I was poor

because I didn't wanna be sought after for my wealth.

It all started as a social game, if you will,

but now that we've found each other,

there's no reason to continue playing it.

See, Willa, Willa!

We can have all those exciting things

that we thought we couldn't afford.

Isn't that wonderful?

You beast!

What?You used me!

I poured my heart out to you,

and you were just playing games.

No, no, no, no. You don't understand.

That was only at first.

I've fallen in love with you.

I'm planning to marry you.

Hi, team. [ Singsongy ] Just seconds.

What a splendid idea.

And after we're married,

I could pretend to be Lady Di.

Um, are you having a laugh at my expense?

No. [ Laughs ] It's seconds.

seconds, okay?

Now can we get into our characters? Get ready?

Yes.

Yes, why don't you be the character

you've been playing all week, you insensitive creep?

Creep? Oh, oh, oh, I think that's uncalled for.

Uh, it's seconds.

Oh, uncalled for, huh?Yes, yes, it is.

Well, how does "slimebucket" feel?

Shh, shh.

I see. I see. I understand now.

[ Whispers ] The audience is out there.

I'm glad I found out something about you.

And what's that?

You're a bigot!Ha!

Shh! They can hear you!You hate rich people!

How could you...

[ Applause ]

I won't hear of it, Father. I won't, I won't, I won't.

I will not suffer such obstinance, daughter.

You shall marry the duke

and desist from seeing this bounder Critchfield.

I shan't, I shan't, I shan't.[ Stomps foot ]

You shall marry the Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl.

Oh, poo.

[ Knock on door ]

Russell, my love!

Sorry.

There's a frightful draft in this house.

[ Under breath ] Creep.[ Under breath ] Aah!

My dearest, have you spoken with your father?

Oh, I'm afraid he won't listen to me dating you.

[ Under breath ] Dirtbag.Hard of hearing, is he?

Oh, no. He hates you.

Ohh!

Then why hasn't he told me to my face?

He hates your face, too.

I don't wanna go out there.

Oh, sweetheart, you'll be fine.

The audience will just love you.

Oh, the audience is fine.

It's Uncle Charles and Willa who are scaring me.

Don't worry, my fair one.

Our love will triumph.

Oh, I have no fears when I'm with you, Russell...

[ Under breath ] Pig.[ Leg thuds ]

Uh...

I wonder if Spielberg had days like this.

Oh, Russell, I love you!

And I you.[ Knock on door ]

Wait right here, my dear.

Don't move a muscle.

Uh, flowers for Miss Ridgley-Smythe.

Take them back.

Uh...Russell, you'll have to take them.

Why?

Because it's within the script.

Maybe so, but I want her written out of the script.

Tell the author I'm staying and to write him out instead.

I think the author's dead.

[ Groans ]

But, ma'am, at least they -- they laughed.

It was a complete disaster.

Brian, Andrea,

now that was funny and wonderfully directed.

It was brilliant, juxtaposing the romantic scenes

with that angry intensity.

It was a stroke of genius.

And the young man who brought the flowers was astounding.

He delivered those lines like he just thought of them.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess we did all right, huh?

Uh-huh. Show business. Go figure.

Look, I, uh --Look, I want --

[ Both laugh ]

Uh... [ Clears throat ]

Didn't mean to, uh, hurt you with any kind of charade.

I know.

Well, it just took me by such surprise.

You know, I've been thinking,

suppose I gave away all my money

and started life over again on the bottom rung with you?

Oh, what a sweet thing to say.

Sweet and incredibly dumb.

Come again?

I don't mind that you're rich.

You don't?No.

I may be simple, but I'm not stupid.

I think money is wonderful.

Well, me, too. Uh...

Few relationships start off

with that kind of common ground, you know?

[ Both laugh ]

Um...let's pretend that we've just met.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Willa.I'm Charles.

Would you care to take a spin in my limo, Willa?

Well, I'd love to, Chuck.

[ Both chuckle ]

Well, I'm glad that worked out,

but, you know, I don't think

I don't wanna direct any more plays.

It's pretty hard, huh?

I think I'm gonna go straight to the movies.

Ma'am.

[ Theme song playing ]