06x02 - The Painting

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Darling, off the top of your head,

you wouldn't happen to remember the --

the name of the Vice President

under Warren G. Harding, would you?

Winston Heyman.

Doesn't ring a bell, but I'll try it.

Winston Heyman...

has a show opening tonight at the Gower Gallery.

Isn't that wonderful?

Who? Winston Heyman.

He was my art professor at college.

Oh, I guess then he wasn't

Warren G. Harding's Vice President. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, no, he hated politics.

Oh, George, come on.

Let's go down to the opening tonight. It'll be fun.

He's not one of those performance artists, is he,

that stand in the middle of a crowd and start screaming?

No, no. He's eccentric and funny,

but he does his art on canvas.

With paint? And a brush.

I'll go.

All right! That's wonderful.

I wonder if it's too cool out to wear my linen suit.

No, it'll be all right.

"Cool." "Cool." That's it -- Coolidge.

Coolidge was under Harding.[ Door opens ]

Hi, Ma'am.KATHERINE: Hi, honey.

Hi. [ Chuckling ] Oh.

We were this close. This close!

Lost another soccer game, huh?

Yeah, all on account of that girl.

It wasn't her fault!

Suzy did a great job as goalie.

She stopped almost every sh*t they tried to make.

Anh, anh, anh, anh --

"almost" is the key word here, Webby.

She missed the last sh*t --

the one that counted.

You know, Kathy, I'll never understand

why a sweet, little girl would want to

cover her legs with shin guards and play soccer.

Well, probably so she could meet a boy

she could eventually marry and then mooch off of.

That makes sense.

Danny, you want some lemonade?

I'll use my secret recipe --

part lemon, parts sugar.

Great! Yeah!

You know, it's a crazy world --

boys making lemonade, girls wearing shin guards.

You know, I'll be frank with you, Kathy --

I miss the good old days, when men were men

and women were -- Ribs?

Not that far back.

Although, it would have been a better world

had it been men only in the Garden of Eden.

Not as much fun.

This is good.

It makes my fillings tingle.

Don't forget to save your seeds.

We can have a spitting contest later.

All right.

And I have to check on my turtle.

He had a temperature this morning,

so I guess I'll see you later.

See ya.

Uh, George, Kathy, what do you say

you, me, and the little lady go out

and have a bite tonight?

Oh, as much as we would love to,

we're already booked. We're going to the art gallery.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Don't we men always get the worst of it?

My wife's always dragging me off

to those artsy-craftsy places, too.

Yuck.

Yuck.

Woody... [ Chuckles ]

...don't you think you could try to be a little broad-minded?

You know, try for the larger view?

You are a big influence on your son.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Chugalug that drink, son. We got to hit the bricks.

Hey, listen, you two,

I really hate to give you the brush.

[ Chuckles ] Little art joke -- the brush?

But we got to be going.

Hey, listen, kids, if you happen to see

anything big and blue at that gallery, let me know.

We're looking for something to put over our mantel.

I never appreciate you more, my darling,

than after a visit from Woody Feldman.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, thank you.

Look, George, it's crowded in here.

Oh, and all the sold signs!

Oh! These paintings are doing as well as...

headbands at a Willie Nelson concert.

Thank you.Well, it must be his art.

It surely isn't the food.

Let's see if we can find Professor Heyman.

Oh, Katherine! What a nice surprise!

Oh, it's nice to see you, too.

Eudora Graham,

this is my husband, George Papadapolis.

You've heard about Eudora because

she's on the board of directors at the community center,

among other things.[ Chuckles ]

Oh, hi, Eudora.

Are you enjoying the show?Oh, it's marvelous!

Why, the artist has simply been surrounded

by well-wishers the entire evening.

Oh, George, look at this painting --

The linear composition,

the light as it bounces off the bowl.

Why, it's practically a religious experience.

Katherine...

If you've come to tell me how wonderful I am,

spare me.

Darling, I think Eudora should

share her religious experience about the bowl with you.

Just, I'm going to say hello to Professor Heyman.

Excuse me.

HEYMAN: Well, an artist is sl*ve to the brushes

and the canvas and the paints, yes.

[ Clears throat ] Professor Heyman.

Hello! [ Chuckles ] Yes!Katherine Calder-Young!

Excuse me, won't you?[ Chuckles ]

You're as lovely as ever.Oh, well, thank you.

It's a big thrill to see you, too. [ Chuckles ]

I only wish we could have met

under happier circumstances.

Oh, really? Don't be silly. I think this is wonderful.

My love, I'm dying on the inside.

Oh, you're always dying on the inside.

Your art is fabulous, and everybody loves it.

I know they do. I know.

They do. But why?

I don't even know if I'm any good.

How can they be so sure?

You see that painting there?

I painted it in minutes.

Michelangelo was on his back four years

painting Sistine Chapel.

Ahh, Mic.

Oh, well, I'm sure if Mic could have

painted it in minutes, he would have.

[ Chuckles ] It was a big ceiling.

Oh, you're just saying that to make me feel better.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Ah! Ah! Lovely.

Mm-hmm.

Success comes, success goes.

A man's got to eat.

It's you!Hmm?

Why, it's -- [ Sighs ]

Uh!I'm -- I'm sorry.

It's just such an honor to see you in person.

Oh, good. Well, thank you.

Hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

I have the strangest feeling

that people are staring at me.

You see? Success makes you uncomfortable, too.

Well, no, not if I know what I'm success at.

Haven't you seen your portrait?

My portr-- My portrait here?

Yes. Mm-hmm.

Oh, n--

I knew that you painted my portrait in school.

Well, you painted a lot of portraits of the students.

[ Chuckles ] But why did you pick me?

I'm naked!

Oh, I never posed nude!

I never even took my shoes off for you!

It is the artist's duty to record perfection.

You, my love, had the perfect face.

Barbara Sharansky had the perfect...body.

Oh.

I would have been cheating the ages

had I not melded you both into one perfect form.

Really?

GEORGE: Katherine...Oh!

George, can we go home now?

Uh, would you introduce me to the professor?

Oh, yes.

Uh, Heyman, George. George, Heyman.

Okay, now can we go?

Uh, just a minute, Katherine.

I'm really impressed with your work, Professor.

Why? Do you know why?

Could you tell me why, please?

Because it's simple and I can understand it.

Aha. Well, if that's your criterion,

here's something I'm sure you'll recognize.

Oh, no. No, no. No, no. Mnh-mnh.

Honey, can you move?Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

Will you move, Katherine?Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

Move, Katherine.Mnh-mnh.

Let me see this.

[ Gasps ]

I've always wondered how someone could

suffer total humiliation and then go on with their lives.

Get up, brush their teeth, eat a pancake.

Darling, you got to stop thinking about this.

You were tossing in your sleep last night.

I know. I've been having nightmares.

I dream that I'm lost in a supermarket

wearing only coupons.

It's been over three days now. Come on.

You haven't had any phone calls,

no one threw any bricks through the windows.

Mrs. Graham saw your painting.

You didn't get fired.

I know, I know. I'm overreacting.

You're right.

The show closes at the end of the week,

and then it moves on to Seattle.

We don't know anybody in Seattle, do we?

Good morning, Ma'am! Good morning, George!

Got any good sandwich stuff that doesn't smell or reek?

I thought you were having lunch at the school cafeteria.

I'm not going to school today. We have a field trip.

Oh.Oops, I almost forgot.

George, will you please sign my permission slip?

See, we're going to an art show

at the Gower Gallery

by an artist named Heyman.

Uh, Web...

honey, we have to talk.

Uh-oh.

Last time you said that,

we ended up going to a funeral for my goldfish.

No, it's about Professor Heyman.

He d*ed?No.

Now, Web, um...

you remember last night I told you that

art expands your horizons?

Remember that?

Well, your horizons are about to be expanded.

Faster than the starship Enterprise.

See, honey, many years ago,

Professor Heyman, uh, painted a portrait of me,

and that portrait is in the show.

Hey, that's neat!

Maybe my class will get to see it.

Oh, yes.

Web, artists are a funny kind of people.

[ Chuckles ]

Um, it's a different breed, really.

They see with their imaginations.

You know, uh, uninhibited and unrestricted.

So [Clears throat] the portrait of me,

although organic in nature,

represents a great deal of imagination.

Katherine's nude.

What?

In the picture, she's nude.

Nude, like naked?

It's just my face.

No clothes at all? Weren't you cold?

No, Webster. It was just my face.

It wasn't my body.

Professor Heyman took somebody else's body

and attached it to my face.

Nude?

Yes.

It's actually a very beautiful picture,

but this is going to be...

[Sighs] ...a difficult field trip for both of us.

Well, maybe I shouldn't go.

Well, that's -- that's something to consider,

but you got to remember that

your class is probably gonna see it anyway.

I guess if I'm gonna be teased,

I might as well go and find out why.

Web, remember, we're behind you.

Nice choice of words, George.

George?

What time do you have?

Five minutes later than the last time you asked, darling.

Okay, so I'm a little antsy.

I just don't understand why Webster's class

couldn't go to the zoo.

[ Door opens ]

Hi, honey.

Well, how did it go?

Fine.

That's it? Just plain fine?

Uh-huh.

Nobody teased you?

Nobody said anything about the painting?

Nope.

Well, maybe kids today are more mature.

[ Sing-song voice ] The painting wasn't there!

The painting wasn't there!

What? Are you sure?

I'm telling you, I looked everywhere,

even behind the fire extinguisher.

It wasn't there.

What could have happened to it?

Well, obviously, uh,

the professor withdrew it from the show

or maybe someone bought it and took it home.

Oh.

As long as it's nobody we know.

[ Doorbell rings ]

All right, Woody, how much do you want for it?

Not a chance, pal.

It's priceless! [ Chuckles ]

[ Knock on door ]

Hi, Web.

Can me and my cousin Mike come in?

Danny Feldman.

What a surprise.

Come over to t*rture me some more about the painting?

Hey, I didn't sit for it. [ Chuckles ]

And neither did Ma'am.

I told you. It's not her body.

I don't know. It sure seemed to fit right under her neck.

[ Both laugh ]That's it.

Take your cousin and your creepy self

and clear out.

All right, all right. We can take a hint.

Wait a minute, Danny.

You told me I could get a look at her.

I'm not paying cents to see the "after"

without seeing the "before."

[ Stomps ]

Ow! Cut it out!

cents to get a look at what?

On Saturday, Uncle Woody's hanging up

the painting he bought of your mother.

Danny's charging cents a pop for kids to see it.

You are low.

Lower than the toe jam in Darth Vader's boots.

Come on, Web. It's free enterprise.

Besides, if everyone shows up, I stand to make a bundle.

I don't believe you!

Get out now!

Hi, boys.

Wow. Are you Mrs. Papadopolis?

Every day.

Here's a buck. Put me down for two showings.

Oh. Uh, you want to tell me about it?

It's nothing.

Doesn't seem like nothing.

Web, is it that painting?

[ Clicks tongue ] Oh.

[ Sighs ]

Honey, George and I tried, but Woody just won't

sell or trade or part with that painting for anything.

What does George say?

I'll have to tell you when you're older.

Boy, when I get older,

we're gonna have a six-year talk.

[ Laughs ]

Honey, I'm very sorry that those boys are razzing you.

Razzing is the good news.

Danny's gonna charge cents

to anyone who wants to see it.

I've never been so mad in my life!

Well, you know what, Web?

Let's not get mad. Let's get even.

What if...

Everything looks so beautiful.

I'm almost sorry that we aren't really having guests.

Just as long as Woody thinks we are.

That's what counts.

Do you really think this is gonna stop Danny tomorrow?

In his tracks.

Yes, unless my hunch is wrong,

I think we're going to have my picture back here

before George finishes the last shrimp puff.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh. Okay, everybody.

Now remember, we have to keep a straight face

whatever Woody is wearing.

Hello. Hi, George.

Oh, Kathy, Web.

Woody, you're the first to arrive.

Listen, it's nice of you to invite me tonight.

Oh, we wouldn't do this without you, Woody.

Oh, really?

Oh, hey, it looks like you're expecting quite a crowd.

Mm-hmm.Oh!

Thank you.

I, uh, hope I'm not overdressed.

[ Chuckles ]

Better overdressed than underdressed, I always say.

[ Chuckles ] Well, uh, you should know about that.

Listen, we've been friends a long time,

and I'm really glad that we finally buried the hatchet.

Let bygones be bygones.

Pig in a blanket?

Ooh, my favorite!

We guessed.

I'd better save some for your other company.

Oh, it's okay. There's no other...

...guests who eat these

because they don't eat meat.

These are the guests who are coming.

That's right, because they are vegetarian.

Vegetarian? Really?Mm-hmm. Yes.

They smell different.

Anyway,

the little woman will be over soon.

She had to run a second load of laundry.

It's really funny how things work out.

My wife had to drag me

kicking and screaming to that art gallery,

and the minute I saw Kathy's painting,

I suddenly realized that art can be very entertaining.

[ Chuckles ] It's really given me quite a hoot.

Yes, I remember Picasso

talking about art and the hoot factor.

Oh, uh, by the way, Feldman,

we'd kind of like your opinion

on something that we purchased.

Yes. Oh, Woody, yes.

It's also a Heyman.

Oh, really? Hm.Yeah.

[ Choking ]

It's called Nude Coach,

but we like to think of it as

Woody in White With Goosebumps.

But -- but -- but -- but -- but --

Yes, yes, that's what we see, too.

Uh-huh.

Considering he did it from

a photograph of you in the soccer team,

I think it's a remarkable likeness, don't you?

I like it.

It's so, um... [Chuckles]

...entertaining.

I think the hat and whistle were a really nice touch.

N-n-n-n-no! Th-that's not me!

I mean, well, it's my face. It's my whistle.

But that's not my --

But who would know?

The point is, it's enlightened

our hearts and our souls.

It's so wonderful that it came before the party.

Oh, my God. The vegetarians are coming.

[ Chuckles ] Wait a minute!

I know what you're trying to --

You're trying to blackmail me,

embarrass me in front of the vegewitches, huh?

Force me to give you Kathy's painting back.

Well, it worked. You want the painting, you got it.

Come on. Let me have this before your company comes.

No. Not until we get Katherine's painting back.

Are you saying you don't trust me?

Yes.

I see your point.

All right. Just do me one favor, please.

Keep those doors closed until I get back!

Yahoo!All right!

Well, that game is over, and we won.

Oh, it's like Newman and Redford in "The Sting,"

except that we don't have the ragtime music.

Are we ever gonna tell him

there really weren't any other guests?

Well, maybe when he brings the picture back

and we're gonna do a swap, we could tell him that

we wouldn't really do that to a friend.

Or to him, either.

[ Laughter ]Okay, everybody.

Here's to Professor Vincenzo.

Yes. Who -- Who is he, darling?

Oh, he's my sculpting professor from college.

You know, he has a show opening here next week.

Ah ha! I'm kidding! Just kidding!

[ Theme song plays ]