05x23 - Parental Guidance Suggested

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Okay, guys. Let's get together a little closer now.

Okay, very good. On the count of three. Ready?

Here we go.

One...

two...

three.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

You guys. Come on!

No, wait a minute!

You promised you wouldn't do that again.

[ Laughter ]

Come on. Take another one!

Take another one! No, way.

I already have four goofy ones.

But we'll save these.

They may help keep you out of the army someday.

Nope, I am using the rest of this film

for the really important sh*ts.

Aw! Man.

Yeah, well, he's right, guys.

You know, it isn't every day

that you get to take a picture

of a real movie star in your own family.

Yeah, although, Pete's dog was in a commercial

for Kibbles 'n Bits.

I still can't believe your dad is gonna be in a movie.

That is so cool!

I'll say.

The only thing my dad's ever been in is a lawsuit.

[ Laughter ]

The coolest part is that your dad

got to act with Kurt Elliot.

He is bad.

Did you see his last movie

where he's got the crook cornered

and he says, "You're a head cold in the nostrils of the city,

and I'm the nose spray"?

Yeah. That was cool.

Yeah, it was.

[ As Robin Leach ] It's champagne dreams and caviar wishes

on premiere night,

as the fabulously beautiful Katherine Papadapolis

descends the fabulously beautiful stairs,

dressed in a fabulously beautiful gown

that is simply fabulous

and must have cost well over $.

You can say that again.

Hold it! We got to get this on film! [ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Normal voice ] You look sensational.

Oh, do I? I -- [ Chuckles ]

I wasn't sure.

I looked at myself in a full-length mirror,

and I said to myself,

"Eat your heart out, Nancy Reagan." [ Camera shutter clicks ]

You know what?

You should wear that to a PTA meeting sometime.

Oh, I was thinking of something a little more formal --

like a bake sale.

[ As Robin Leach ] Oh!

Could it be the one, the only...

And here he comes, ladies and gentlemen --

George Papadapolis,

practically the star of the new movie,

"Backstreet Nights"! [ Laughs ]

[ Snootily ] Hello, family.

[ Normal voice ] George, what is like

being in a movie with Kurt Elliot?

Well, we're so much alike, you know?

We're masculine, yet not too masculine,

good looks, personality, and things like that --

We have a lot in common.

George.

[ Normal voice ] Well, actually, uh,

I don't know him that well.

I didn't have a scene with him,

but you know what happened, guys?

I actually, uh --

I saw his stand-in put his hand on my desk.

We don't mind, Mr. Papadapolis,

but we still can't wait to see your movie.

And neither can I. Would you flip me my bag, baby?

I want to be there early,

make sure nobody is wearing my dress.

Wait a minute. And what if they are?

What else --

I'll have to lock them in the ladies' room.

Ta-ta!

Good night!

Good night!

[ Door closes ]

Boy, am I steamed.

Well, I know it, and now all the neighbors know it.

Katherine, I swear to you that the script that I read

and the movie that we just saw

are two entirely different things.

Well, I know that you wouldn't voluntarily

be in a movie that had more corpses than actors.

You know, I can't believe that the same studio

that gave us "Honolulu Heaven" and "Koala Bear Jamboree"

would do a thing like this.

I love those little koala bears.

Well, there was a koala bear in your movie, too.

Unfortunately, it was eating somebody's leg.

Hello? Oh, hi.

My, you guys are back early.

Yes, we didn't stay at the party long.

Well, Webster begged me to let him stay up late,

but I did what any responsible sitter would do --

I sent him to bed early, and I ordered out for pizza.

Good, 'cause I'm hungry.

Well, come on! Don't keep me in suspense!

How was the movie?

Oh.

Uh, you guys want some pizza?

Disgusting, violent, and vile,

and I'll tell you another thing --

I'm embarrassed.

Well, that's more than one word, but let's not quibble.

You're upset.

The only sane thing in the whole movie

was George's scene as a sportscaster.

Oh, George, I am really sorry.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes. Don't go see it.

Oh. Well, see you all later.

Enjoy the pizza. Good night.

Thank you. Good night.

[ Sighs ]

Hi, hi.

Hi. Hi.

Say, what are you doing up at this hour?

I kept hearing the sound of a creaky pizza box.

How was the movie?

Oh, about two hours.

Is something wrong?

You look the way I do on report-card day.

The film wasn't very good.

Oh, it's okay.

Once I'm there in the dark with some -- some popcorn,

some Jujubes, a large drink -- no ice --

I'm sure it will be terrific.

Sweetheart, the movie was grisly and scary and full of blood.

Great.

Not so great.

It is not the kind of movie that we want you to see.

Why?

I've been waiting for weeks to see this.

George is in it,

and Kurt Elliot's movies are usually great!

Well, maybe so, but this one isn't.

It's garbage, is what it is,

and you're not gonna see it.

[ Sighs ]

Sweetheart, it's just that you're at

a real impressionable age.

Now, when I was your age, and I saw the "Wizard of Oz,"

oh, those flying monkeys just terrified me.

But now -- now I think they're kind of cute.

I still get the willies, though,

when I hear the Wicked Witch's voice say,

[ Nasally ] "And your little dog, Toto, too."

[ Normal voice ] Understand?

Boy.

Sure wish I was back in Kansas.

[ Laughs ]

George, was the movie really that bad?

It was terrible. Wish I never got involved.

That's okay.

You'll make other movies -- good ones.

And when you do, we'll get a big tub of popcorn,

and we'll sit in the front row.

How 'bout that? [ Chuckles ]

It'd be great.

Hey, freeze.

Where do you think you're going with the pizza?

Oh, I'm gonna put it in my drawer

in case of a tornado.

Oh, all right!

points for originality.

I'll give you that. It's great.

Put it back in the box.

You can take it to school for lunch.

Can't blame a kid for trying.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

The best movie in town, and we can't go see it.

I know.

I begged my folks not to listen to Mrs. Papadapolis,

but since she's a psychologist,

my parents think she knows what she's talking about.

Why couldn't she be a lawyer?

Nobody believes lawyers.

Hey, guys. What's up?

What's going on?

Ohh. I get it.

Sorry.

Next time I won't order the sauerkraut.

Come on!

The only other thing was succotash,

and you know how I hate succotash.

Traitor.

Oh, great.

A guy picks one bad vegetable for lunch,

and you turn on him.

We are talking about "Backstreet Nights."

What about it?

Don't play dumb, Webster.

None of us can go see it thanks to your mom.

Yeah, she was like Paul Revere.

She called up all our parents, yelling,

"The vampire are coming! The vampires are coming!"

I didn't know. Honest.

Ohh. I get it.

That's why everyone was aiming at me in dodge ball.

Yep. You got it.

Listen, if it means anything to you, I can't go either.

Does that mean anything to us, guys?

No.No. No.No.

No way. Mnh-mnh. No, it doesn't.

Well, Ma'am said the movie was really scary!

Web, our parents don't know what "really scary" is.

They were afraid of the old Frankenstein,

and you never even saw his guts.

Yeah, we're tougher than they were.

We're used to grosser stuff.

Maybe I can explain that to Ma'am.

I might be able to get her to change her mind.

I hope so for your sake, 'cause everyone's mad at you.

Does that include you guys?

Sure.Sure. Sure.Sure.

Katherine: Jerry, this is Katherine.

The review is worse than I feared.

Listen to this -- if you haven't already seen it.

"In the opinion of this reviewer,

"'Backstreet Nights' is gross, un-watchable,

"and more violent than the Three Stooges

in a hardware store."

And then at least they went on to say

the movie also featured a cameo

by Chicago's own George Papadapolis. [ Footsteps approach ]

Bye. Hello, sweetheart.

Never mind, never mind.

You don't have to hide that, sweetheart.

I already saw it at work.

Ohh.

Honey.

It was nice they called you Chicago's own.

Guess it was.

It's too bad they had to sandwich it between

"blood-splattered ankles and dismembered cows."

Oh, Katherine. Katherine. I don't know.

Do you know what they're calling me at work?

George "Do Anything For a Buck" Papadapolis.

Well, I had to explain to all my patients today

how it was that you ended up in such a terrible movie.

By the way, five of them want your autograph.

Somehow I just -- I just don't feel flattered.

Katherine, I-I can't believe how they lied to me.

They showed me a script that I would be proud to be in,

and what did they do?

Changed the whole thing on me.

[ Door slams shut ]

Oh, hi, guys. I'm sorry I slammed the door.

I was being chased by the Smearley brothers --

identically mean twins.

Oh, who are they, and why are they chasing you?

Because Rashid's mother called their mother

and said that my mother didn't think

that they should go see the movie "Backstreet Nights."

Oh, I see.

So, why'd you do that?

Because I think it's a parents' responsibility

to warn other parents

about something that's bad for their kids.

I mean, we'd want them to do that for us.

But, George, I've got three whole grades made at me.

They clobbered me in dodge ball,

they booed me out of the cafeteria,

and they spray-painted my locker.

Well, they shouldn't be blaming you.

I'm gonna call some of the parents right now.

Great. You're the best.

Just tell them to let their kids go see the movie,

and I'll get my friends back.

Whoa, whoa. Now, wait a minute.

I will call the parents

to try and get the kids off your back,

but I don't think anybody should see that movie.

I think it's trash. I think it's worthless.

It makes v*olence acceptable, and that is not acceptable.

She's right.

Great. Just great.

Well, if you want me, I'll be upstairs in my room,

practicing to be a hermit.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Well, I guess this is one of those lessons

he won't understand till he's a parent

and makes the same speech to his kid.

Oh, there you are.

[ Chuckling ] Hi.

Mwah, mwah! Mwah, mwah!

I just wanted to let you know

that the entire gym is abuzz with talk about the movie,

and in a, uh -- a weak moment,

I-I went to see it.

[ Gasps ]

Well, it's a free country. What did you think?

Well, on the Jerry scale of to ,

being the worst, being the best,

I gave it a .

[ Gasps ]

Now, I would have given it a one,

except I really liked the girl in the kitchen scene.

Oy.

How could you get through the part

where the bloody head came up through the Crock-Pot

and bit the co-ed?

Well, I didn't.

I was, uh -- I was hiding.

What did you think of my scene?

Well, I was, uh, shaking some Milk Duds out,

and y-you know how the last couple

get stuck in the bottom of the box?

[ Chuckles ] And I'm afraid I missed it.

Oh, hey, uh, but, y-you know,

your name really looked great in the credits.

They called me Chicago's own.

[ Clears throat ] So, Jerry, I guess [Chuckles]

guess there weren't many people there, huh?

It was packed.

Well, uh, not many kids?

Are you kidding? There was a ton of them.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Honest, Web, I want to apologize,

and to show I'm sincere, here's my dessert.

All right! Thanks.

Wait a minute. I saw this in a prison movie.

Five minutes later,

the guy was facedown in his tapioca.

We mean it Web-man.

You're not the problem. It's our parents.

They don't understand the major coolness

of being in the sixth grade.

Right. They think we're still babies.

And we're gonna fight it, so we made a pact.

Yeah, we'll no longer wear those nerdy pajamas

that they pick out on sale.

Right. I hear that.

I got a pair with little tadpoles that make me sick.

Mm.

Right.

And whenever there's a big family dinner,

we no longer have to eat at the crummy card table.

Right. You said it, man.

And we're not gonna kiss any more of those ugly aunts.

Yeah! Right.

And we're buying our own underwear.

And we're going to that movie anyway, right?!

Yeah!

[ All shouting ]

[ Indistinct chatter ]

[ Ominous music plays ]

WOMAN: Help me!

[ Chain saw revving ]

[ Woman screams ]

Aah!Aah! Aah!Aah!

BOY: [ Fearfully ] Great movie, huh?

BOY #: Yeah.

Webster: I think I dropped my [High-pitched] popcorn.

MAN: I-it got Frobisher Oh, no! Don't look!

Let's get out of here fast!

WOMAN: Wait! What about this cute little koala bear?

We can't leave it in the Crock-Pot.

[ Bear growling ]

Aah!

We're having a great time, huh?

Y-yeah.

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Ominous music plays ]

No.

No.

Not the Crock-Pot!

Get away from the Crock-Pot!

No!

Man. That is one scary robe.

[ Yawns ]

Oh, no.

[ Screams ]

What the hell's going on in here?

Boy, am I glad it's you, George.

Who'd you think it'd be? Simon & Garfunkel?

Ohh.

Well, : in the morning

is a little [Clears throat] early for batting practice.

I was having these icky nightmares,

and they just kept on getting scarier and scarier,

and this monster tried to grab me,

and this spooky head came out of a Crock-Pot,

and it was terrible!

Crock-Pot?

Yeah, and it was ugly and slimy and --

Ohh.

It wasn't a Crock-Pot!

It was a barrel! That's it!

It was a barrel, and it was coming after me!

Any chain saws in it?

Yes, sir, lots of them.

Okay, when did you see the movie?

This afternoon. [ Clicks tongue ]

But I didn't see the whole thing!

[ Sighs ]

You're right, Ma'am.

It was even too gross -- even for us guys.

Now, you know how we felt about that movie.

I know, but all the guys were going,

and we had this pact, and --

and everyone was my friend again.

Come on. Following the crowd is no excuse.

You know better than that.

George was in the movie, and I had to go see George!

That's no excuse.

Although, it's a good reason.

Well, now that you've seen the movie, what do you think?

I think I should've listened to you guys.

Yeah, you think you're gonna listen to us

the next time we make a decision for you,

that maybe we're trying to do what's right for you?

Yes.

Let's just forget about the whole thing, okay?

Now, I want you to make your own decision

as to your punishment.

Uh...two weeks without, uh, movies?

[ Squeaking ]

Yeah, you're right -- Four weeks without movies.

[ Squeaking intensely ]

Six weeks without movies?!

Okay, six weeks it is without movies.

Now, are you gonna finish the night in the pit,

or would you like to come and sleep with us?

Oh, I would love to get my sleeping bag

and sleep between you guys.

Yes, you're very lucky. You know why?

It just came back from the cleaner's.

And in it they found seven crickets

and two flashlight batteries.

Don't forget your pillow.

Yeah, we'll be right in, sweetheart.

Aw, Web.

Web, promise me you'll never do this again.

Well, George, I'm a kid.

I know, but promise that.

Okay, I promise.

Incidentally, what did you think of my scene?

It made the movie.

[ Theme song plays ]