05x12 - Simple Gifts

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Well, what do you think?

Well, m-maybe it's sick...

or dead.

It looked a lot better on the lot.

That's why it's so neat, George.

You gave this scraggy, old bush a home for Christmas.

Well, I suppose if you closed one eye

and you squinted out of the other,

it wouldn't look so bad.

I have the Dobos torte.

Why don't you try some calamine lotion?

[ Webster and George laugh ] Good one, George.

Oh, you guys are so bad.

These are Charles' favorites.

Oh, I so excited

that he's coming to stay with us for a few days.

Did I happen to mention that, when I was a little girl,

every day with George --

BOTH: Like a circus. Oh, I did mention it.

Yes, everyday for the last week, darling.

And you know what, sweetheart?

I am so excited that you're so excited about this.

Yeah, you've been so happy,

you didn't even mind when I gave my turtle a bath

in your shower cap.

Yeah, Uncle Charles is quite a character.

Isn't he the one that --

that rented out Rhode Island for a picnic?

No, that was Cousin Wilbert.

Charles is the extravagant one.

Well, if he doesn't get here soon,

he's gonna miss the parade.

He is not gonna miss a parade.

He loves parades. Are you kidding?

He's been known to fall in behind a funeral.

[ Chuckles ] [ Doorbell rings ]

See?

Charles!

Jelly bean!

[ Both laugh ]

Why, you look --

...stunning. Absolutely.

And you look --

...much younger that you thought possible.

Exactly!

Oh, please say that you can stay for more than a few days.

Oh, sorry.

I've got to be in Malta on the th for a coronation.

Not mine, of course. [ Chuckles ]

But the duchess insisted it'd be a bust without me.

Well, Merry Christmas, Uncle Charles.

We finally meet.

Don't tell me.

This sturdy fellow must be George.

I must, and I am.

[ All chuckle ]

And this handsome man about town

must be the Duke of Kensington.

[ Chuckles ] No, I'm Webster.

Right, Webster!

You and the duke have that same jaunty look.

[ Chuckles ]

Dobos torte. Yeah.

You remembered, jelly bean!

Yes. Who wants presents?

Me! Me!

All right. Here you are.

Don't we have to wait till Christmas to open these?

Heavens, no.

These are just some knickknacks to get the party rolling.

Careful with that, jelly bean.

It's antique crystal.

George.

Oh.

All right.

A book?

A first edition of "Huckleberry Finn,"

signed by none other than Mark Twain himself.

Oh. Wow.

I better not leave this one on the bus.

Oh, lookit.

A miniature Strasbourg Street scene.

Oh, how impractical.

I thought so.

"Career Highlights film of George Papadapolis"?

This is unbelievable. Where did you get this?

Oh, it's just a little something I had thrown together.

Oh, George, can we go see it?

Sure, we can watch this.

But I think we'd better get going

if we want to get a good spot at the parade.

[ Gasps ] Oh, not to worry.

I took the liberty of renting a blimp for this afternoon.

Blimp? Like in Goodyear?

It's tethered and waiting.

Blimp?

Gee, how fresh can you get?

[ Chuckles ]

A blimp. [ Laughs ]

Do you remember watching the running of the bulls

in Pamplona from that balloon?

Hopefully, there'll be fewer casualties this time.

[ Both laugh ]

Well, I guess we could miss

the roasted chestnut man this year.

Oh, no! I've hired one for the blimp.

Come on, jelly bean.

[ Laughs ]

Uh, jelly bean [Chuckles]

why does he call you "jelly bean"?

Well, let that be one of life's lessons.

You lose something up your nose,

and nobody lets you forget it.

GIFFORD: And so, as number

took his final bow that fall afternoon,

Chicago said "goodbye" to one of the greatest

to ever don a Bears' uniform.

George Papadapolis, the man, the memories, the magic.

This is Frank Gifford, along with the rest of America,

saying "Thanks, George. We miss you."

Unbelievable.

If you're waiting up for Santa, you're two days early.

No, no. I'm just playing this tape over.

Do you realize how much money this must have cost.

More than a sweater, less than a yacht.

L-look at the credits.

Three technical advisors, two directors,

one best boy, whatever that is.

Oh, Uncle Charlie knows a lot of people in Hollywood.

He once dated Jo Anne Worley.

Look, sweetheart, I just feel so uncomfortable.

Oh, I think they only went out once.

No, I mean the tape, darling.

The tape, the blimp, the gifts...

I mean, I -- I like Uncle Charles and everything,

but I really don't know what to think.

He is extravagant, but that's just his style.

He's the only man I know

that was invited to a White House dinner

and insisted on picking up the tab.

The gifts are great, but they cost too much.

If you're not used to it,

I guess it is pretty overwhelming.

Would you like me to ask him to tone it down a little bit?

Yeah.

Okay.

If he could, you know, cut it down a little bit,

it would sure help the World Trade deficit.

[ Both chuckle ]

Why don't we roll the tape back to the place

where your face is superimposed over the American flag?

You like that?

[ Chuckling ] I liked that too.

Yeah.

[ Muffled knocking ]

[ Knocking continues ]

KATHERINE: Charles?

[ Sighs ]

I couldn't sleep,

so I had them open up Marshall Field's

a little early for me.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Charles, please, now listen.

George and I want you to know

that you do not have to keep on giving us all these presents.

You know, our best present

is just having you here with us.

Is that jewelry?

Yes. But that's for the coronation.

Oh, good.

All right.

No more presents... until Christmas.

Now, tell me, has Webster ever been in a submarine?

Charles.

[ Sighs ]

If you're gonna spend the day with Webster,

could you try and think "simple"?

I mean, he's a little boy

that has fun with a bag of pipe cleaners.

Just think of a children's play

or a museum or a walk in the park.

Walk?

How pedestrian.

Hi, guys.

Hi, honey.

Well, if it isn't the young duke himself.

Wow.

How long have I been sleeping?

It's not Christmas yet, is it?

[ Chuckles ] This is nothing.

Wait till you see

what you're really getting for Christmas.

I love this guy.

If you stay here forever, I'll lend you my sleeping bag.

Now, that's not an offer lightly given.

Indeed.

Now, young Webster, this magnificent Sunday is ours.

What do you say we do something...

simple?

Well, sweetheart, I have found it.

Christmas would not be Christmas

without this sweet, little angel.

You know, they don't make them like they used to anymore.

[ Gasps ]

No. Nowadays they make them with a body.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm gonna have to put some glue on this.

You know this -- this has been with our family

since the big w*r.

World w*r II?

No, Papa's fight with Uncle Stavros.

We're back!

Hello, hello.

Well, you two certainly have had a very full day.

Katherine, your advice was sage.

Today was the most fun I've ever had without paying sales tax.

Yes, we had a blast.

We did the park, the zoo, the museum...

Oh, that's wonderful, and so simple.

Yeah, it's great.

We have had time to catch a play.

Yes, it was the coolest.

A hundred roller skaters dressed like trains.

No offense, ma'am,

but that was much better than "Hello, Dolly!"

at the Community Center.

Well, Dr. Dreidelman, even with a wig,

is no Carol Channing.

"'Starlight Express,'

Gershwin Theatre, New York City"?

New York? Oh, Charles, you didn't.

Well, if you're going to the museum,

Gotham's Museum of Natural History

is the only place to go.

Let me see if I got this straight.

You took Web, and you went to see a play in New York City,

and you went on a plane?

We didn't walk. We sure didn't.

We went first class. [ Chuckles ]

All the olives you can eat. You want one?

No, thanks. [ Chuckles ]

How about little cheeses?

Okay, give me.

Ooh. Want one?

Katherine, could we go make some coffee?

Oh, I don't think we need any coffee right now --

Oh, yes, what a good idea.

[ Clears throat ]

Now, about Malta.

Do they have any video games?

If not, we'll bring them in.

Well, all right.

[ Chuckles ]

George.

Katherine, he took our son to New York to see a play.

What goes through his mind?

You know we're lucky?

We're lucky he didn't decide to have a snack

on the Great Wall of China.

Can't you try and find just a little humor in this?

This is Charles' idea of simple.

Darling, listen to me.

I-I understand that, and I like Charles.

I think he's a fun guy.

But I think he's a bad influence on Web.

I mean, it is Christmas.

Web should be stringing little cranberries

and singing little carols

instead of jumping on a jet plane in New York.

I grant you it has not been a Norman Rockwell Christmas,

but Webster's gonna be fine.

He's gonna survive.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, tell me that the next time we try to fly coach.

I spent years with Charles,

and my head is still on straight, thank you.

Now, come on, George.

He's only gonna be here another couple days.

I'll ask him to keep it within the city limits,

whatever it is he's gonna do, okay?

Okay.

Now, can we just go in and trim our Christmas tree?

Tomorrow.

It's gonna take me that long to untangle the lights.

Hi, I'm home.

"Jelly bean, there's a little surprise

in the living room,

and I promise I got it in the city limits."

Aw.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, no!

Oh, oh.

[ Door closes ] Oh!

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi.

Well, this is fixed.

The wonders of superglue.

Where are you going?

Where am I going?

I'm gonna go into the other room

and put this beautiful lady on top of the tree.

Oh, no.

Why not?

Um, why don't we, uh, have a little eggnog?

You know, it's been a long day.

Did you have a long day? I had a long day.

I had a little long day, yes.

So, let's, you know, not decorate on an empty stomach.

Well, why don't you go heat up the eggnog and I'll decorate?

[ Gasps ]

Oh. Now, stay calm.

I know that Charles meant well.

He meant well.

"Trees by Ted -- the Country Flocked Alight."

Katherine, it's flocked, all right.

The tree goes, that's it.

It's a memory. It's history.

Good tree, huh, George?

[ Chuckles ]

Did you know that the angel sings "Jingle Bells"?

Yeah, it's a nice touch.

You know, Ted does every holiday.

At Easter, he'll color all your eggs and hide them for you.

Honey, go upstairs and get ready for dinner, would you please?

Oh, sure, ma'am.

Oh. Don't forget you quarter.

Um, keep it.

It's only a quarter.

"It's only a quarter."

I'm gonna have to have a little talk

with little Howard Hughes.

"It's only a quarter."

Hi, George.

I'm just getting

one of these little bars of soap from the plane.

We have to talk.

Don't worry. They said I can have all I want.

That has nothing to do with it.

Web, why didn't you want this?

I don't know. I don't need it, I guess.

Do you remember a couple weeks ago

when we were at the shopping mall

and you wanted to play the game "Tron"

and you didn't have any money.

Yeah.

It's awful when I'm broke and I get a "Tron" att*ck.

Well, remember that I gave you the quarter to play,

and then you helped me shovel snow?

Well, I only quit early because my boots were leaking.

I know. That's not the point. The point is this.

Just a couple weeks ago, a quarter meant something to you.

Now, since Uncle Charles, it doesn't mean anything.

Are you mad at him because he spends so much money?

I'm not mad at him. Exasperated, maybe.

Web, do you know why I like Christmas so much?

Eggnog and "The Andy Williams Special."

Even if I didn't have any of those things,

Christmas would still be my favorite time of the year.

It would?

Sure.

Christmas is the spirit of giving.

It's sharing.

It's loving.

It's friends cozy around a fireplace.

Yeah.

We haven't even read "The Night Before Christmas" this year.

We haven't read "The Night Before Christmas,"

we haven't made one snowman, we haven't strung any popcorn.

Or baked any gingerbread cookies

or spread the snowy stuff on the windows.

Gee, I guess I forgot about the good stuff.

Yeah.

Well, here.

Here's a quarter,

just in case you a get a real big "Tron" att*ck.

Thanks, George.

Uh, George? Yeah?

By the way, uh...how much is a hug?

[ Chuckles ] It's still free.

[ Laughs ] All right.

Look, jelly bean, I feel just awful.

I didn't mean to upset anyone.

I know that you meant well.

It's just that our family isn't used to

having a Christmas tree with a pedigree.

I just assumed they'd enjoy

doing some of the things you used to enjoy doing.

Oh, we do.

I do.

Um...

I want to show you something --

something that is more precious to me

than anything I've ever had from Dior.

[ Chuckling ] Good lord! What is that?

This is a present from seven juvenile delinquents

that I counsel.

Oh, well, you don't, uh,

actually wear it in public, do you?

With pride.

I did draw the line at the complimentary tattoo --

"Born To Counsel."

Well, you always were unpredictable.

I remember you hid the stable kittens

in the grand piano, didn't you.

[ Both laugh ]

I hope I haven't disappointed you.

Oh, no, no.

Jelly bean, you could never disappoint me.

Well, I guess it'd be best if I left now.

Oh, no, no, no. Please don't go yet.

Look, I promise I won't wear the jacket.

Oh, thank you,

but, uh, you can never be too early for a coronation.

I'll just pack, and then I'll say my farewells.

Charles. [ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, I'll get that.

Howdy.

So, uh, where do you want the reindeer?

Uh, we won't be needing them.

Oh, uh, here.

There.

Uh, get them some, uh... oh, reindeer biscuits.

Merry Christmas. Yes.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, here it goes.

What do you think?

Perfect.

Except for that one spot right there.

Yeah, we ran out of ornaments.

Well... this might work.

Let's see, here.

GEORGE: Yeah, that's kind of cute.

Yeah. Sales girl did say it'd go with anything.

Man, this is a lot more fun than watching Ted decorate.

I still wish Uncle Charles would have stayed for Christmas.

He did promise to call, didn't he?

Yes, he did.

He said he'd call from the Queen's chambers

on her Princess phone.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!

It's a little too early for Santa.

Maybe it's one of his elves.

[ Chuckles ]

Charles!

Uncle Charles, you're back! You're back!

I missed you, jelly bean.

I missed you all.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Charles! What timing.

We're just gonna read

"'Twas The Night Before Christmas."

[ Laughs ]

Do you do hoof beats?

Uh, Clydesdales or Arabians?

What about the coronation?

Well, I was halfway across the Atlantic when it hit me.

Here I was, going to spend Christmas

at a five-star hotel

with some of the wealthiest people in the world.

I didn't have a place to hang my stocking.

Well, we could share mine.

It has a reinforced toe.

By the way, Webster, I do have a little gift for you.

Charles.

A quarter?

Is it silver or rare or anything?

Actually, this quarter --

it's worth exactly $..

[ Laughs ]

I love it even more.

It's that look that's priceless.

Well, come on. Let's settle in.

Okay.

Oh, goodie.

[ Sighs ] Mood is everything.

[ Chuckles ]

"'Twas The Night Before Christmas,"

by Clement Moore.

"'Twas the night before Christmas,

"and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there."

[ Imitates hoof beats ]

Charles.

A-a-am I early?

Several pages.

"The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

"while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

"And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap,

had just settled down for a long winter's nap." [ Sleigh bells jingle ]

[ Theme song plays ]