05x09 - The Importance of Being Worthy

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

NICKY: There we go.

If the Nicky Papadapolis touch doesn't hold it,

nothing will.

Give it a try.

Okay, feels nice and stronger.

Well, here we go.

Oh, well, Nicky...

I think the winner's supposed to jump over the net

before the racket does.

Let's give it up.

This sports equipment is about as useful

as a skunk in a tuna factory.

I don't know what that means,

but that's the smelliest thing you've ever said.

[ Door opens ]

Well, hello, sports fans.

Oh, hi, George. How was work today?

Oh, just the usual thing --

writing copy, reading off scores...

taking meetings next week with...James Worthy.

The James Worthy?

'" James Worthy?

The Laker forward James Worthy?

Number James Worthy?

Yeah, I think so.

I think he's in some sports-related field, yes.

He's been traded to the Bulls, and you've got the scoop.

Well, I wish.

His alma mater is playing DePaul,

and he's gonna be in town to do the color.

And get this -- He wants me to give him a few tips.

[ Chuckles ] I don't like to brag,

but he does say that I'm the best sportscaster

this side of the Mississippi.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, that's great.

Is there any way I can get an autograph, Uncle George?

Sure, where would you like me to sign?

Um, I think he wanted, uh, James Worthy's autograph.

Well, that's too bad

'cause I -- I sign my autographs on $ bills.

But I'd like to have one of your autographs.

Never mind, never mind, never mind.

Oh, I love to see men in the kitchen.

[ Exhales sharply, grunts ]

Boys in the bistro.

Well, dinner looks great, but I'm on a low-rubber diet.

Oh, don't worry, Ma'am.

It's a Weight Watchers basketball.

We didn't know, we're gonna have to fix

all this sports equipment for the community center.

Yeah, they didn't have enough money

to buy new equipment.

Yeah, there was a rich, old man

that was supposed to leave all his money

to the community center, but then when he d*ed,

we came to find out that he left it all

to a nurse named Peaches.

Gee, why would he leave all his money

to a nurse named Peaches?

[ Chuckles ] oh.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take the bull by the horns.

Oh!

You mean you think

we should raise the money ourselves?

Indeed I do.

Well, do you think, uh,

that Nurse Peaches would donate some?

Mm, maybe. I don't think community service

will be at the top of her priority list.

No, I think you guys

are going to have to start being creative,

you know, think of, um...

barn dance or car wash or carnival.

A carnival -- Yeah, I like it!

We can have, oh, caramel corn, hot dogs, cotton candy.

We could have a sideshow!

There's a girl at my school

who could be the bearded lady with no trouble at all.

She looks just Fidel Castro.

I can see it now. We can do this.

I'm gonna go call my friends.

Well, me, too. Thanks, Ma'am.

This carnival is gonna be great!

I've just landed in the middle of a Mickey Rooney movie.

I really appreciate this, Mr. Worthy.

No problem.

My kid'll love it.

[ Chuckles ] Whoa. Man.

If this is your kid's shoe,

I'd get him into basketball right away.

You know, James, I'm really flattered

that you came to me for some advice.

Hey, George, I want to be the best,

so I came to the best.

Now where were we?

If you're gonna do the color,

never interrupt the play-by-play announcer, okay?

Okay.

Unless he's boring. Then save him.

All right, here we go.

[ TV clicks, indistinct cheering ]

Okay, that was a beautiful drive by sophomore Clayton McCloud.

The Tar Heels are dependant on him heavily this year.

Uh, one minute.

[ TV clicks ]

That's very good. Very good delivery.

The only problem is

Clayton won't be with the Tar Heels.

He's ineligible. You're kidding.

Biology. That's too bad.

Kills everybody.

Got me three times. [ Chuckles ]

That's a big, you know, when you go into a town --

research, research, and more research

I'll remember that.

Okay. Oh, and one more thing --

This is big, James, real big.

Don't eat any popcorn when you're doing this.

Why's that?

Well, you'll do eight minutes of color

and three minutes of coughing.

[ Chuckles ]

Got it. Okay.

Thanks, George. You bet.

Here's the costume you wanted, Mr. P.

Oh, that's gonna be great.

Look at that. That's beautiful.

Thanks a million. Could you put that in my room?

It's already there. Hey, wait a minute.

And I thought your weatherman dressed funny.

He does.

That's for the carnival the kids are putting on.

I'm gonna do one of the booths.

Oh, you're kids. That's right.

Hey, don't forget these autographs

for Webster and Nicky.

Never.

I'm really proud of those kids.

They're putting that carnival on for the community center

to raise some money.

That's great, George.

You know, I'm behind anything the kids do.

[ Chuckles ]

As long as it doesn't involve spray paint.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, see you next Thursday for our interview.

Okay.

Now, remember -- research, research, and more research.

[ Chuckles ] Right.

And no popcorn.

No popcorn.

[ Carnival music playing ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

You want to try it?

I'm fine.

All right. Come on.

You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

You couldn't hit the Great Wall of China.

Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!

I'm starting to grow algae.

How's everything going over here?

Oh, great.

So far, we have $.

[ Chuckles ] Dodge ball forever! All right.

Listen, is everybody ready for the sideshow now?

Yeah, everybody but Amanda and her ferocious gerbils.

It's mating season, and they're all kissing.

Hey, that's show biz. [ Chuckles ]

Nice hat.

Very trendy.

[ Gypsy accent ] Would you like to cross

Madam Zabbacheck's palm with silver?

Sports equipment is very expensive.

I don't see much future in measly pennies.

Here you go.

What do you see now?

I see many, many women in your future.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Step right up. Let me guess your weight.

If I don't come within pounds of your actual weight,

you'll win a horse with a clock in its belly.

I'll take a chance!

Hello, young lady. You will take a chance.

Um...

[ Chuckles ] pounds.

[ Screams, laughs ]

Guess again! Guess again! You darling man!

Guess again. Let me see. pounds.

[ Screams, laughs ]

Yes, pounds.

[ Screams ]

[ Both laughing ]

Let's hear it one more time

for the boy with the magnetic personality,

the Amazing Glue Face -- Come on, let's hear it.

[ Applause ]

All right. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, now the moment you've all been waiting for --

The kid who can make Conan the Barbarian

look like Norman the Librarian --

Nicky the Magnificento.

Come on up here, Nicky. All right.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Girls, girls, don't make the strong man blush

Now I, Nicky the Magnificent,

am about to attempt

to lift nearly four times my own body weight.

For this attempt, I will need

your complete and absolute silence.

Yes. No burping, please.

[ Grunting ]

[ Laughter ]

Uh, you can talk now.

I see a birthday in your future.

Yes, yes, in October.

I was coming to that.

Oh. Sorry.

Madam Zabbacheck also sees a Lord & Taylor charge card.

That's me. That's me. I have one.

That's incredible. How did you know?

Madam Zabbacheck also saw

those earrings in the window yesterday.

Oh, come on.

I know this is for a good cause, but give me a break.

I've taken more dives than Shamu.

People are not gonna spend good money

just to see you sit there.

George, remember -- I like you.

You're my friend. We're pals.

My fingers are starting to look like beef jerky.

[ Chuckling ] Hi, George.

There's a lull in the fortune-telling business.

Uh, may I? [ Chuckling ] Yes. Yes.

Et tu, Catherina?

For you, Madam Zabbacheck predicts trip over water.

You gave him $.. I'll give you $. if you miss.

[ Spits ]

Ma'am, George, something terrible has happened.

Our cash box is gone.

Our money has been stolen!

Gin.

I don't care.

Guys, guys, guys!

This mope festival has been going on for a whole day.

Now, I have made us some great herb tea.

It is called "Cheery Skies",

and on the package, it promises

that you will "hum with cosmic tranquility."

No, thanks.

Maybe I'll hum with cosmic tranquility tomorrow.

No, thanks.

It's a bummer.

It's not a hummer.

Nobody feels any worse than I do

that all that money was stolen.

But it wasn't fair, Ma'am!

We worked so hard on that carnival.

You're absolutely right. It is not fair.

You have to be proud of the job you did.

Did I ever tell you

about the tea party that I organized as a teenager?

Was that the time when the guy from Yale

got really sick in your car?

No. That was my prom.

No, this was something that I worked on

for months and months and months,

and the elite of Boston were going to attend.

And just before it started,

some prankster put sneezing powder on the eclairs.

You're kidding! What happened?

The mayor's wife sneezed her wig into the punch bowl.

That's bad.

Oh, worse.

The next day, the society page printed

a picture of her dentures eating a sandwich...

by themselves.

So...What's the point, Ma'am?

Things happen!

You know, you can't control them.

[ Sighs ]

Come on, guys.

Can you try to cheer up a little bit?

Ho, ho, ho.

Well, I feel better. Good.

How about you, Web?

Nope.

You're tough. Okay, we're gonna regroup now.

Uh, what do you say we have a...bake sale?

No. A dance. Better -- a combination.

Shake and Bake!

That's funny.

Sorry, Ma'am.

We raised $.

The carnival was our best sh*t.

Well, I guess I'm gonna go do my homework.

Maybe diagramming sentences will perk me up.

I'll give you a hand.

I'm pretty good with irregular verbs.

Of course, James, you know,

a lot of skeptics have been talking to me

about the fact that the L.A. Lakers

won the championship last year,

but the only reason they won, they seem to think,

is that the Boston Celtics were physically banged up

during the end of the season

Now, what do you have to say about that?

Pbht!!

[ Chuckles ]

Well, that's eloquent.

Also, if you don't mind,

I'd like to ask one more kind of a personal question.

What's Jack Nicholson really like?

Well, George, I'll tell you --

He's a great fan,

but the guy has a lousy hook sh*t.

I knew that. I knew it. I could've told you that.

James Worthy, ladies and gentlemen -- A Laker great.

I'd like to digress a minute from my normal segment

with a brief and kind of a personal comment.

You know, last week,

a group of kids from our neighborhood community center

held a carnival to raise money to buy sports equipment.

It didn't get coverage in any of the press,

but to them, it was as big as Live Aid.

To me, it was just as big.

These kids didn't moan and groan and wait for a handout.

They raised that money themselves.

The sad footnote -- They lost the money.

Some creep stole it.

Well, they may have lost the money,

but in this reporter's eyes, they're winners.

This is George Papadapolis saying

you don't have to play sports to be one.

Good night, everybody.

Clear! We're in commercial.

Hey, George, that's a shame about those kids, man.

Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, come to think of it, there is something you can do.

How you doing, Champ?

Uh...Hi, George.

Oh, I saw your show today.

It was a nice editorial. Thanks.

Well, you deserved it.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm cleaning up my sock drawer.

Boy, you are down in the dumps.

Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I think this is yours. Yeah.

Listen, Champ, could you go for a surprise?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay, well, you just stay there. I'll be right back.

Hey, Web. How you doing?

James Worthy?

That's right.

Patrick Ewing, huh?

Hey, I wish I could make him

disappear on the court that easily.

Oh, well, it's just that, well...

Patrick taught me how to sh**t free throws,

and, well, I kind of like the Knicks.

That's okay.

I pull for the Knicks, too...

when they're playing the Celtics.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh...I think I'll sit over here.

So, what are you doing here, anyway?

Oh, I heard you were having some problems.

You came all the way from L.A. to help me match my socks?

[ Chuckles ] No, Web.

I heard about your carnival.

Oh, that.

Hey, I heard it was great.

It was...till the money was ripped off.

Well, why not have another one?

Why? So some other creep can steal our money?

Webster, you can't let one bad break stop you.

You know, when I was a rookie,

I was determined to get a leg up on everybody.

Well, did you?

Yeah...

[ Chuckles ] ...till I broke it.

fractured my tibia.

Do you have any idea

what that means to a basketball player?

You're supposed to have a good tibia?

[ Chuckles ] You're supposed to have a tip-top tibia.

I missed the playoff, and I felt lousy,

just like you do -- moping around like a lump.

You must be a pretty big lump.

[ Chuckles ]

I am, but I learned

if you stay a lump, only lumpy things will happen to you.

So, I picked myself up, worked hard,

and the next year, I played the whole season

and the championships.

Hmm.

[ Chuckles ] You see what I'm saying?

Yeah. I'm being lumpy.

I guess you're right, but I still don't see

how being happy's gonna get our money back.

Well, I think your dad has a pretty interesting idea.

Really?

Don't push and shove.

You know, everybody's gonna get their chances -- as many...

I'll take on. ...as they want. One?

One?!

Oh, sir. Just one?

Oh, picture a tearful little child

holding a brand-new ping-pong paddle

or a strapping young teenager with a catcher's mask

or a little, chubby girl

bouncing her way to a fitness class.

Hey, are you gonna go on and on like this

if I don't buy more tickets?

Oh, yes, endlessly.

I'll take four more.

Four?

Oh, darling, you're really raking it in, huh?

Yeah.

I'm working hard, but we got $. It's great.

Here's some other good news. Look at this.

Money sent in from the viewers --

$ and a hockey puck.

It's the same guy that sends the weatherman snowballs.

[ Whistle blows ]

Ladies and gentlemen, we're ready to begin.

Get your picture taken

playing one-on-one with Laker great James Worthy!

[ Cheers and applause ]

In order to b*at me, you got to be able to do this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

All right!

Or this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And if that doesn't work, you got to try this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, Web, who's the first victim

that's gonna try to take my on?

Okay, let's see... There's Catherine Papadapolis.

Yes, the Calder-Youngs were always very good at handball.

Thank you, James.

Nicky: Smile.

[ Cheers and applause ]

How'd you do that?

I haven't the faintest idea. Magic.

[ Laughter ]

Magic? Is he here?