05x04 - Hello, Nicky

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

MAN: ♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Well, Katherine, I cleaned the guest room.

And guess what.

I found out where old hangers go to die.

[ Chuckles ]

We moving? No, no, no.

This is just a little preventative maintenance.

Somehow, there's always breakage

when you and your brother get together.

Come on, darling. Aren't you exaggerating?

Not at all.

You remember the chandelier in the hall that we had to replace?

I think that was a friendly game of Frisbee.

We were just having some fun, Katherine.

Well, Little Joe and Hoss had fun, too,

but the Ponderosa stayed in one piece.

[ Doorbell rings ]

It's them! It's them! It's them!

They're here! They're here!

Whoo!

Ow!

♪ Yes, yes ♪

Well, let them in.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Hey!

All right! Welcome to my toddlin' town!

Well, if this is your town,

I want to talk to you about those expressways.

Oh. Hi.

They're busier than ever.

How you doing, everybody?

Hey, big guy.A little hugsy wugsy.

All right!

A little gut check here. Let's check this out.

Uh, you're creeping ahead of me, George.

Oh, it's 'cause I'm wearing a thick shirt.

Oh, I love what you've done

to the house!Come on. Come on in.

Thank you.

It's beautiful!

Well, it's getting there.

We got a big surprise for you guys tonight.

You didn't leave Nicky home, did you?

Hi, Uncle George, Aunt Katherine.

Heya, buddy.

All right! Put it here, cuz!

Whoo!

I got a great weekend planned.

Did you ever see spit under a microscope?

Educational tours are wonderful.

Tell me those steaks are from the farm.

Not just any steaks, George --

the loins of my prize-winning Angus.

Well, let me look at it.

This cow only ate clover, George,

on a shady hill next to a babbling brook.

These are happy steaks, George.

Well, give it to me. Let me look at it!

Come on!

[ Glass shatters ]

BOTH: Sorry!

Nick, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times.

We can't wrestle right after we eat.

Katherine, I have a side ache.

He's just looking for an excuse.

I had him pinned in three minutes.

I tripped over the sprinkler.

I thought at least the plumbing would be safe.

Hi, guys.

This dude is bad.

He is really bad.

Gracious, Nicholas. What have you done?

No, no, Arlene. Nothing.

Good is bad, hot is cool,

and best bud has nothing to do with flowers.

He wiped out starships with one laser!

Sorry I b*at your record, Uncle George.

Oh, that's okay. Listen.

I got a big surprise for you guys.

We're gonna go see the Chicago Bears play Sunday,

and we're gonna be in the press box.

Really? Yes.

And afterwards, we're going down to the locker room!

Sounds great! Thanks, Uncle George.

Gosh, we get to see Refrigerator Perry in his underwear.

I never knew elastic could stretch so far.

[ Laughs ]

Are you gonna go to the game, Aunt Katherine?

Oh, well, as much as I love to see elastic

stretched to its limit...

your mother and I are going to go to the Art Institute.

Katherine and I prefer to huddle around a Picasso.

Look.

Aunt Arlene's k*ller caramel cookies!

I'm gonna pig out to the max!

All right!

Let's get them before they get us.

[ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]

Well, Nicky's really grown up.

We've been real fortunate.

Nicky's never been a lick of trouble.

Well, we've eaten and burped and wrestled.

[ Sighs ]

What's that surprise you were telling us about?

Nicky?

You want to announce the big news?

Why don't you tell them, Dad?

We are moving to Nigeria for two years.

Nigeria?!

Their government and the U.N., they want me to come over

and show them how to increase their corn yield.

Can you believe it?

The government's gonna put us up for two years in Lagos.

I like to think they want me for my personality,

but I think it's for my hybrids.

Oh, Nick. What a great honor.

Congratulations.

Who's gonna take care of the farm?

Theo.

Uncle Theo.

Isn't he the one who used to sing to the chickens?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

But he settled down quite a bit

since he stopped making his own wine.

Yeah, folks, I'm really looking forward to this trip.

We all are.

WEBSTER: You got to promise to write me.NICKY: Okay.

I wonder if they even have postcards in Nigeria.

[ Sighs ]

Let's hang it up.

I'm gonna hit the hay.

We've got permission to stay up until :.

We can't waste that.

No, I want to go to bed.

Okay. Well...

Well, what about the movie?

"Shock Theater" is coming on soon,

and I don't want to watch it alone.

So, don't watch it, goldarn it.

I'm going to bed.

I'm sorry I swore at you.

Aw, it's okay.

When did you swear at me?

I said goldarn it.

Oh.

I guess people swear differently in Iowa.

Did I say something wrong?

No.

It's just that... I don't want to move to Nigeria.

You don't? Why?

Web, I'm supposed to start high school.

All my friends are gonna be at parties,

and I'm gonna be teaching some guy how to grow a potato.

But you're gonna meet new friends.

And I was planning to play football this year.

You remember Uncle Theo's old Plymouth?

You mean the car that was in the creek,

the one with all the fish living in the trunk?

Yeah.

Well, he said if I fixed it up, I could have it.

All I need are seats and an engine.

sh**t.

It'll probably be all rusted out by the time I get back.

Well, did you tell your parents you don't want to go?

[ Scoffs ] Heck no.

Wouldn't make any difference.

It might.

Last year, George bought me a Snoopy lunchbox.

And I finally told him it made me feel like a baby.

Well, was he mad?

Well, only because I put tadpoles in the thermos

and he couldn't return it.

I just can't, Web.

Well, maybe you should talk to Ma'am and George.

They're real good at this kind of thing,

not like normal parents.

I'll think about it.

I was really looking forward to getting my varsity letter

next year.

What should I do?

Well, I'll tell you.

Um, if Web had a problem like that,

I would hope that he'd come and see me about it.

Absolutely.

You're just gonna have to find a way

that you can talk to your father.

Oh, no.

My dad always says, "Bellyaching is for losers and goats,

and I won't have either on my farm."

Nicky.

I-I got to go get dressed.

Thanks for listening.

I'd forgotten how difficult it can be to be a teenager.

Huh.

And his skin is clear.

Hi, guys. I've got a problem.

Three stools. No waiting.

Well, see, I got this friend named Joe who has a friend, Bob.

Well, he doesn't want to take his sister to...Orlando.

Nicky doesn't want to go to Nigeria.

Wow! You guys are good!

Mm-hmm.

He told us.

Oh. So what are you guys gonna do?

Well...

I think since Nicky's afraid to tell his father,

that someone should do it for him.

I know somebody -- Eddie Dean.

He'll say anything.

He told the music teacher she had fat legs.

Well, I think Katherine has somebody in mind.

George, if you knew the number of people that I see

every day of the week

just because they have never learned

to express their feelings...

That's a good point, darling.

That's exactly what you should tell Nick.

Me? Yes, you.

You're the psychologist, darling.

You do this every day.

That's right, Ma'am.

Wait a minute.

I'm a psychologist, and you're Nick's brother.

That's right, George.

Sweetheart, you're as close a sister-in-law as you can get.

That's George , Ma'am .

You're also the boy's godfather.

Yeah, and Nicky did say you were his favorite uncle.

Really?

Yeah.

He also said you were like a hero to him.

He said he once named his blue-ribbon turkey after you --

Georgie Giblet.

Well, okay.

Well, then I'll... I'll go have a talk with Nick.

Now?

Not right now, but when I have time.

Web, did Nicky really say all those nice things about George?

Sure.

And he also said that Uncle Theo once ate a chicken...raw.

That true?

Ugh. It could be, yes.

Hmm.

The feathers would tickle my throat.

[ Typewriters clacking ]

ANNOUNCER: Gain of .

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

Whoa!

I haven't seen moves that quick

since the cat backed into the electric fence!

Did you see that, guys?

We missed it.

We were watching the coach drop-kick his clipboard.

That brings us to the end of the third quarter,

with the score Bears , Rams .

Free chow. I could get used to this.

Yeah. This is great.

Where else can you have a hot dog and ice cream

all in the same minute?

[ Marching band playing ]

Uh, excuse me, uh, for a minute, please.

Excuse me.

[ Grunts ]

Excuse me.[ Chuckles ]

There you go.

George, the game's almost over.

When are you gonna talk to Uncle You-Know-Who

about you-know-what?

When You-Know-Who quits bugging me.

Now go on back to your seat. I'll take care of it.

But you had all of halftime.

He likes the twirlers, okay?

Go on.

Okay. Come on.

Excuse me.Oh. [ Chuckles ]

There we go.

Excuse me, please.

My hot dog.

[ Gasps ]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[ Sighs ]

Oh!

Thank you.[ Whistle blows ]

Yep. This is the good life.

Web, I don't mean to pry,

but you've been whispering to Uncle George

ever since we left the house.

What's up?

Well...

I was gonna keep it a surprise, but...

George is gonna tell your dad

that you don't want to go to Nigeria.

What?

He can't do that!

Why not?

Because I decided that I'd rather go

than have my dad mad at me for the rest of my life.

Uh-oh.

Be right back.

[ Sighs ]Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

George, I got to talk to you.

Web, I'm gonna take care of it.

Now, if you don't get back to your seat,

you're not gonna go down in the locker room,

and you're not gonna go through the tunnel.

Go on.But, George--

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.[ Sighs ]

We need a password.

Excuse me.

George is gonna tell, isn't he?

If it'll make you feel any better,

you can take one of my toys for keeps.

Except my Janet Jackson poster.

Holy smokes! What a hit!

That guy's meaner than a bull in itch weed.

Nick, uh...I'm sorry that Web's acting so squirrelly.

Ah, that's okay, George.

Nicky had ants in his pants at that age, too.

I think I have to tell you something.

I-I don't think Nicky wants to go to Nigeria.

What are you talking about? His heart's set on it.

We talked this morning, and... I don't think he wants to go.

Come on, George. You got to be kidding me.

Nicky, tell your Uncle George

how much you want to go to Nigeria.

Uncle George is right, Dad.

I don't really want to go.

What?

He doesn't want to go to Nigeria.

Why didn't he tell me this before?

Dad, you never asked.

You never ask me how I feel about anything.

Terrific.

That's just terrific, Nicky.

They're still talking. What's taking them so long?

Well, takes a while

to get years of feelings off your chest.

Sweetheart, let me -- let me run a wild and crazy idea past you.

Uh-oh.

The last time you ran a wild and crazy idea past me,

I ended up on water skis.

Sweetheart, what if Nick and Arlene...

go to Africa and -- and Nicky stays with us?

I had that thought.

And?

I don't know, George.

I work with teenagers all day down at the center.

I don't know if I'm ready to come home to one.

Oh, yeah. I know, darling.

But, I mean, we're talking about Nicky.

He's a good kid.

Remember when he went on vacation with us?

Yeah, but this is real life.

I mean, what happens the first time he comes in past curfew,

and we're not nice old Aunt Katherine

and cute Georgie Giblet?

Well, we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

I mean, we didn't have any plans

when Webster came to live with us, and we did all right.

Besides, Katherine, I like the idea of a big family.

I guess...we really don't have anything to lose,

besides the bathroom, the phone, most of the food.

Does that mean that you're for it?

Well, I'm getting there.

Oh, Katherine, Katherine.

That's great, 'cause, you see, I was getting cold feet.

Maybe we've inherited a teenager for a while.

WEBSTER: Yay!

And that takes care of breaking the news to Webster.

Oh, hi.

I, uh, sort of overheard.

Uh, folks, you want to come in?

Summit's over.

Well, it's been quite a day for the three of us.

I must admit, I'll always have fond memories of the days

when my family did pretty much what I wanted them to do.

But, uh, Nicky is no longer

that young whelp chasing ducks around the yard.

So if he doesn't want to go to Nigeria,

I guess I can't make him.

Nicky's never asked us for anything.

So we know how much this means to you,

and we've decided to just pull out of the U.N. project.

Well, we had our little powwow while --

while you were talking.

You guys are gonna love this.

Yes. George has an interesting idea.

Check this out.

W-We thought that you two could go to Nigeria

and Nicky could stay with us.

Excellent idea, right?

O-oh, oh, uh, no. No.

We could -- We could never impose.

Oh, it's not an imposition. I mean, we're family.

We have to -- We have to support each other.

Anyway, he could help with the household chores.

Or he can have half of mine.

GEORGE: [ Chuckles ]

Listen. That's, uh, a very kind offer.

But, George... it's, uh, two years.

That's a long time.

Yeah, I know.

But there's vacations. Yes.

There's Christmas break and spring break

and summer break, and we'll visit you.

Well, frankly, it works for me.

What do you think, Arlene?

I'm gonna miss Nicky terribly,

but I want to hear what you have to say.

If it's really all right with you, and --

and if I really wouldn't be that much trouble...

and I really wouldn't be hurting anyone's feelings...

Spit it out, son.

...I'd like to stay.

You'd like to stay?

Yeah.

Done.

All right! Yay!

Thanks, Dad.

Go ahead. It was on sale.

Ma'am, George, we just wanted to say good night

and thanks for a great day.

Aww. Right, Nicky?

Oh, yeah. I had a wonderful time at the game, Uncle George.

I'm glad.

That's a beautiful color on you.

Isn't it, Nicky?

Oh, yes. Very, very beautiful.

What's on TV you guys want to watch?

"Revenge of the Giant Ants."Ah.

It's k*ller Insect Week.

Okay, but no screaming during the picnic scene.

We won't. Thanks.

That was easy.

Putty in my hands.

Good night. Good night.

[ Both sigh ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Gasps ]

What is the matter with you?

Oh, darling, I just realized -- We've --

We've brought in a -year-old boy to our house now.

pounds of raging hormones.

George, he's . He's a nice kid.

It's going to be fine, okay?

Now go to sleep.

Oh, that's good, darling. Thank you very much.

I feel a lot better.Good. Now go to sleep.

Good night, sweetheart.

[ Whimpering ]

[ Theme song plays ]