05x11 - Katherine, the Greek

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Geo-- George.

Ohh.

Don't you think it's about time

you broke down and got a computer?

Not unless it comes with a program

that can make predictions.

Predictions? Sure, predictions.

You know what season it is.

Sure I know what season it is. It's autumn.

Yeah, it's autumn. And what does that mean?

Well, it means that I wear earth tones and tweeds.

Right. It's also football season.

Station insists that I predict the games every week again.

[ Chuckles ] I hate doing that.

It makes the score the only thing that matters,

and it ruins the essence of the game.

Oh, I couldn't agree with you more.

What is the essence of the game?

Well, the -- the... Oh, forget it.

Picks are that deep in the Dumpster, huh?

Try septic t*nk.

Hi, guys. Hi, honey.

What's in your shirt?

Oh, that? Oh, it's probably the tag.

I'll take it out later.

It's awful big for a tag.

If this is a Playboy, you're gonna handle it.

Thanks a lot.

What are you doing with a newspaper

in your shirt?

I think we should leave George to do his work.

Yeah.

All right, all right, hold it.

Hold it.

Come on, Katherine.

Give me the sports page.

Well, I'll -- I'll give it to you when I've read it.

I read it all the time.

Since when did you start reading the sports page?

Come on, come on. Ages!

Don't I read it?

Yeah, she -- she reads it all the time.

Thank you. Yes, I do.

Yes, I'm particularly interested in, uh,

drag racing on Friday, : p.m.

Drag racing. You know, that's her thing.

"That's her thing."

Come on, Katherine. Let me look at it.

"Papadapolis Picks Poop"?

Good luck.

Coward.

[ Giggles ]

Look how big the -- the type is.

Why don't they just spray-paint it on the bridge?

Maybe it's a different Papadapolis.

Nah, "George Papadapolis, former All-Pro and local sportscaster,

fortunately played the game a heck of a lot better

than he can pick it."

But look, see? It's next to a tire ad.

I mean, how important can it be, right?

How important can it be?

Katherine, this paper has over a million circulation.

Yeah, but the only people that are gonna read it

are the people with flat tires, and they're not home anyway.

Oh, look at this. Look at this.

It goes on. It goes on.

"And he couldn't pick the outcome of a 'Rocky' movie."

Sure you could.

Well, I got Monday night's game, at least, locked up.

Miami always beats Green Bay at Green Bay.

Good.

It was a bone-chilling -below in Green Bay.

But I don't suppose

those Packers fans cared much, eh, George?

Pyew-wee!

[ Nasally ] Your Miami team

really stunk up the place last night.

Thank you very much, Fritz, for pointing that out.

[ Clears throat ]

We'll be right back with sports,

including a closeup look at a very unusual profession,

hockey dentistry.

MAN: Into commercial.

[ Normal voice ] Well, George,

looks like you're still drawing double bagels

on those predictions of yours.

Fritz, I'm trying very hard not to pay any attention to you.

Aww, hey, George, lighten up.

By now, no one's paying any attention

to what you say anyway.

Redskins.

This city is no friend to umbrellas.

Oh! What are you doing?

This is my new system for picking winners, darling.

The old one didn't work.

Which was? Logic.

Well, wouldn't it be easier to flip a coin?

Yeah, I suppose it would be,

but that way I wouldn't be able to throw anything.

You know what happened to me today?

Jimmy the Greek phoned me.

He laughed and then hung up.

I have something that'll perk you up.

Dr. Dreidelman -- you know, down at the center --

said to tell you that he never misses your predictions,

and he just wants you to remember

that this year field goals are worth points.

They've always been worth points.

Really?

Yeah, that's it.

You know, Fritz is even getting to me,

and I pride myself of being Fritz-proof.

Oh, honey, you're making too much of this, you know?

You know more about football

than all those guys put together.

But that's not the point.

I even blew the Green Bay-Miami game.

I didn't want to say anything at the time,

but...that one even bothered me.

And you know why?

There probably weren't any four-star hotels

near the stadium,

so those boys from Miami probably had to stay

at some cheap, noisy, highway motel,

and it just threw off their body clocks.

Yeah, to the tune of -.

Well, I know.

Life can be very depressing.

I remember when I went to Switzerland

with Muffy and Sissy.

We went to ski, but there wasn't any snow,

and we got so depressed.

Suddenly, we found ourselves

in this quaint little chocolate shop,

sipping café au lait and sampling their semisweet.

[ Laughs ]

And, you know, they were all carved

like the Seven Dwarfs.

[ Gasps ] Dopey had a hazelnut filling that was to die.

I think the point is that

you have to try and make the best of a bad situation.

Yeah, that was a great story.

I think I'll go to Switzerland

till after the football season.

GEORGE: And that's it from the world of basketball.

Now for another edition of "Papadapolis' Predictions."

This is something that I know you're all looking forward to,

so I'll go right into it.

You know, I've been getting lots of mail about my predictions,

and most of it unsuitable to be read on the air.

[ Chuckles ] You little rascals.

You know, some of you may have even broken the law

sending these things to me.

This one, for instance, is from a man from Peoria.

He says, "Dear Papadapolis" -- spells my name wrong --

"I think my sister should replace

"you and your predictions.

"Maybe that could be arranged

as soon as she is allowed out of" -- get this --

"the Soviet Union."

[ Laughs ]

Quite cuteski.

Here's another one.

You people. [ Chuckles ]

"George, my mother can pick better than you,

and she has been dead for six years."

I have no intention

of bringing any members of your family on this show.

However, a member of my family,

well, that might be a different story.

So here to do the football predictions today

is none other than my gorgeous wife, Katherine.

[ Pointer clatters ]

And so, ladies and gentleman, I am retiring.

That's right -- I'm retiring

from the world of pigskin prognosticating.

However, Katherine, my wife, being a practicing psychologist,

will use her unique perspective and insight

to predict this weekend's game.

Freud over Dr. Ruth by .

Okay, who's first?

Denver's in New York, darling, to play the Giants.

Didn't you tell me that the Denver fat end's wife

just had a baby?

Yes, I did tell you that.

And it's not the fat end's wife. It's the tight end's wife.

Whatever.

I think you're gonna see that that birth will bring out

the paternal side of the Denver players,

and there'll be a kind of protective aggressiveness,

and they'll score a run every chance they get.

It's not a run, darling. It's a touchdown.

Whatever.

Talk about psychobabble.

The Indianapolis Colts and the Saints.

The game is in New Orleans.

Oh, the jambalaya in New Orleans is awfully heavy,

especially if you're not used to it.

I think I'd go with the home team on that one.

Oh, you're gonna take the jambalaya factor?

A coach's nightmare.

I hear Vince Lombardi snickering in his grave.

And finally, sweetheart,

the L.A. Rams against the Dallas Cowboys.

Rams.

Oh! Are they the ones with the strange costumes?

They have blue helmets with little horns on them,

but other than that...

That is so distracting. I'd have to take the Rams.

You'll go with the Rams.

Well, thank you very much, sweetheart.

And to think some people rely on stat sheets.

[ Chuckles ]

This is George Papadapolis saying

you don't have to play sports to be one.

Good night, everybody.

NICKY: Stop-and-go at the coffee table, hit me at the desk.

Break! Break!

[ Giggles ]

Ready?

On three.

Blue !

Blue !

Ready?

Hut, hut, hike!

Oh, Webster Long takes the snap!

He fades back. He's looking for a receiver.

Right here.

No one's open.

I'm open!

He sees an opening. There's no choice.

He must take it himself.

Whoo!

Oh, Webster Long, so smooth you just can't believe it!

Ow! Whoo!

Wait.

Oh, block for me, Nicky.

I'm getting real hot now.

You don't pass, I don't block.

And he -- he scores!

[ Imitates crowd cheering ]

Great play. That's what I love about football.

All the teamwork.

Oh, look.

More scores.

Oh, I'm stuffed. That brunch was a great idea.

Well, darling, that was my way of saying thanks

for being such a good sport.

And actually it was kind of fun

to watch those people recognize you from the show.

All the waiter said was, "You look sort of familiar."

Exactly! And that's what they used to say to Diane Sawyer.

Really?

Guys, guys, come look.

Ma'am's already for

and ahead in most of the other games.

Really? Come on! Come on!

Only the Broncos are losing.

Who are the Broncos again?

They're the ones that have the new baby.

Oh, those Broncos. Put the sound up, Web.

MAN: Here are more scores. New Orleans over Indianapolis.

Oh!

Oh, for .

Rams over Dallas. Ah!

for ?!

And a big upset --

the Broncos, on a last-second reception,

b*at New York as tight end and new papa Skip Finer

fought off five defenders to make that catch.

out of !

Wow!

Is that good?

That's better than I've done all season!

I know, but is it good? Of course it's good, darling.

How would you like to come on the show the rest of the year?

Oh, I don't know.

Come on! It'll be fun!

The next time,

the waiter will recognize you and know your name.

We might even be able to cut in the front of the line.

Yeah, Ma'am. Come on.

Why not?

GEORGE: Ha ha! That would be great.

Whoo!

GEORGE: Thereby becoming the first Mouseketeer ever

to swim the English Channel.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Clears throat ]

And now, riding a hot streak of out of ,

here's our own Jeane Dixon of the gridiron,

Katherine Papadapolis.

Please, please. It's a gift.

[ Chuckles ] "It's a gift." That's cute.

So, darling, we're all waiting with bated breath.

Who's your pick for tonight's game?

Will it be the Seattle Seahawks or the Minnesota Vikings?

Well, didn't you tell me that the Vikings' coach

was feuding with their hatchback?

Halfback. Halfback, darling.

Yes. Yes, they're at each other's throats.

Well, that sounds like a textbook father-son struggle.

Now, Stieglitz makes

some fascinating points on the subject,

and, then again, Shapiro's counterarguments

are also very convincing.

So which one do you like?

I think I'd have to go with Stieglitz on this one.

What team do you like?

Oh, the one that's not fighting.

That kind of struggle poisons the air for everyone.

Well, Vikings, it sounds pretty hopeless for you guys,

so you might as well stay home and rent a video.

And remember -- Oh, can I do it?

Of course.

You don't have to be a sport to play one.

MAN: Into commercial.

George, Katherine,

you guys are the Torvill and Dean of football predicting!

How about some publicity photos for the show?

Oh, no, I can't.

I-I'm late for a board meeting over at the Community Center.

Bye, honey.

You know, it's budget time,

and if I'm not there to make a stand,

I'm not gonna get my felt board.

[ Laughs ] Some other time, then.

Because the momentum on this thing is incredible!

Oh, Fritz, starting next week,

we're cutting a minute from your segment for sports.

What?!

[ Groans ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mr. Alonzo, I'm on top of it.

I'm at that football lady's office now.

Look, don't worry.

I'll find out who she likes in all the rest of the games.

We'll make a k*lling.

Regards to the family.

Bye-bye.

Ah.

You must be Mr. DeMarco.

The name is Lou "Donuts" DeMarco.

You can call me Donuts.

Well, thank you, Mr. Donuts.

I'm Katherine Papadapolis.

And usually I sit there and the client sits here.

Oh.

Sorry, uh, I was making a local call.

Here. Here's bucks.

Oh, no, no. That's not necessary.

Oh, I insist. Donuts pays as he goes.

Now, look, I'm a busy guy,

so can we get down to business?

Well, what a marvelous attitude. Absolutely.

What brings you here?

I don't know who I like this week.

[ Chuckling ] Oh. Everybody has weeks like that.

Some weeks I don't like anybody.

Well, who do you like this week?

Well, it's not the problem, is it?

The problem is, who do you like?

Hey, if I knew that, I wouldn't be here. Heh.

Well, are you saying that you're not getting along with anyone?

Nah, I get along with everybody.

Except Vinnie "The Squirrel" DeDano,

but he works out of Cleveland.

Uh, forgive me, Mr. Donuts.

I'm not getting a fix on why you're here.

Lady, I'm a gambler, and I'm not winning.

I need your help.

A gambler? That's good!

Oh, now, that is a big step you have made, admitting that.

Hey, that's why I'm here.

I'm just a simple guy looking for an edge.

Oh, well, there's nothing simple about this,

but making that commitment is a start.

Oh. I get you.

How much commitment do you want, huh?

Clothes? Jewelry?

A truckload of cigarettes, hmm?

Please.

Um, I'm talking about an emotional commitment

to solve your gambling problem.

Oh, lady, you show me how to pick

the winner of the Green Bay-Dallas game,

and I ain't got no problems.

Are you saying you came here for a football prediction?

Hey, don't limit yourself. I'm open.

Basketball, hockey, the flats, the trots.

Mr. DeMarco, I am a professional psychologist!

Yeah, yeah. And, uh, I'm in trash removal.

Now, I am prepared to make this worth your while.

Out.

Now, wait a minute. I am not talking small potatoes.

Out.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm out of here.

Just, uh, don't let me hear you helped anybody else.

Ugh. [ Sighs ]

[ Knock on door ]

Hi, Mrs. Papadapolis.

Ohh! Hi, Tony.

My father wants to know who's gonna win

the Saints-Eagles game.

Tony, out.

Okay.

GEORGE: Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Look at all the fan mail you're getting.

You're getting more popular

than "Engineer Mike and His Cartoon Caboose."

George, a mobster came to see me today.

Really?

Yes, a thug. A wiseguy named Lou "Donuts" DeMarco.

I thought he was gonna break into "Luck Be a Lady Tonight."

Did he do anything?

No, I threw him out

as soon as I found out all he wanted were gambling tips.

Oh, well, don't worry about it, darling.

Donuts sounds like a small-timer.

It's names like Snake and Fingers you got to worry about.

Hey, guys.

These must be some awesome lamb chops.

The Browns' beagle followed me all the way home.

Oh, thanks, champ.

Oh, don't forget, I'm having dinner at Charlie's.

It's canned-ravioli night at his house.

All right, well, be nice.

You know, ask him if you could do the dishes or something.

That's the best part.

They eat it right out of the can.

See ya.

Have fun, honey.

Here, sweetheart.

Oh, I'm starving.

"Choice chops for the champ chooser.

"And if your Sunday picks do as well,

you'll never pay for meat again."

Did you get this? [ Chuckles ]

You should have sent Webster to the jeweler's.

[ Chuckles ]

Dear, this is getting out of hand.

I can't believe people are actually taking me seriously.

Well, why not, darling? You're on a hot streak.

I know, but people are actually betting a lot of money on this.

Well, of course.

That's why you're getting all this fan mail.

Betting football games is a multimillion-dollar operation.

I know that!

I mean, I just thought it was all professional.

These people are expecting me to make them rich.

Not all. I'm sure there's one marriage proposal in there.

Mnh-mnh. Listen to this.

"Dear Mrs. Papadapolis, I can't thank you enough.

"I cashed in an insurance policy

"and bet it on one of your picks

and parlayed the winnings into a trip to Vegas."

[ Sighs ]

Well, that's it for the hockey scores.

[ Clears throat ] Now...

It's time for our weekly football picks.

Are you ready, great swami?

But before I say anything...

[Clicking tongue] to you,

Mr. Frank K. from La Grange, Illinois.

Betting your mortgage money on my picks?

What if I'm wrong? Where would you live?

And you, Mr. Donuts.

[ Sighs ] You have a problem.

Get a real job.

Now, I appreciate all of the kind words and attention,

but obviously I don't know the first thing about football.

I mean, I don't know a backfield from a cornfield,

an end zone from a school zone.

I mean, really, I'm just up here blowing smoke.

Now, what you do with your money is your business,

but I refuse to be responsible

for someone's rent money or for their college fund

riding on my picks.

So [Sighs] if it means

paying for my own rump roast for the rest of my life,

so be it, because I quit.

And you people say I can't pick 'em.

[ Theme song plays ]