04x14 - A Test of Characters

[bunniefuu]

Can I have a goodnight kiss?

Won't it slide off your face?

Mm. Think of it as a ski lesson.

Come on. Let's tuck you in.

Wait, wait!

See, if I do it my way, I won't mess up the covers,

and my bed will be all made up for tomorrow morning.

Oh, that's great. Okay, well, sleep tight.

I'm gonna get some ice cream.

Ice cream!

Ice cream!

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Famous sportscaster

and professional fisherman George Papadapolis

is one short of his limit on this,

the first day of a five
-day tourney.

Come on, bassy. [ Gasps ]

This will assure him, of course, for first prize

in the International Bass Open Your Mouth Tournament.

Shall I have it, uh, stuffed and mounted?

No, let's have it for dinner.

Ohh.

Well, before, I call

the game
-and
-furniture warden on you, I have a favor to ask.

Sweetheart, I'm gonna take Web down to the Community Center

on my way down to the station.

Yeah, but, listen, um...

George, I have to practice giving psychological tests.

And you want me to be the guinea pig?

Oh, honey, I don't think of you as a guinea pig.

More like a guinea hunk.

Oh, sweetheart, you know I don't like to take tests.

Well, you don't have to do it.

Not if you're afraid.

No, I'm not afraid.

Well, then? Come on.

Jerry's gonna do it. It could be a lot of fun.

You might even learn something about yourself.

Sweetheart, I already know about

my hat and my waist and my pant size.

What else is there?

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

I call that picture "George Trying to Weasel Out on Ma'am."

Saved by the kid. Well... [ Smooches ] Goodbye.

No, wait a minute, George, listen, I'll level with you.

I'm desperate. You see...

I have left this whole thing until the last minute,

and if I don't get it done,

as they say in France [Chuckles]

my derriere's in a sling.

All right, darling, but...

not until I have one
-
- one evening of persuasion.

You've got one evening of persuasion,

and I guarantee you will cave in before Ed says,

"He
-e
-e
-re's Johnny!"

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

"George and Ma'am Being Mushy."

Come on, George. I've got to get going.

Mr. Terry is teaching us photography today.

Oh, I hear he's pretty talented
-
-

a regular arts
-and
-crafts guru.

Yeah, he's one of my favorite grown
-ups
-
-

right after you and George and whoever invented M&M's.

GEORGE: Come on, Web! Let's go!

Bet I'll get a great picture riding with George
-
-

"Man Screaming at Bus Fumes."

[ Chuckles ]

Bobby.

The use of dead flies as your sister's hair

is very unique.

Thank you, sir.

I guess your theme was "My sister bugs me"?

Now, this is one of my favorites.

It is by Webster Long,

and it appears to be a fish made out of dried macaroni.

Now, what exactly was your theme, Webster?

There was no theme.

I just hate fish, and I wish it tasted like macaroni.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, silly of me not to have known that.

It's very good, Webster.

Boy, if I had a teacher like him in school,

I'd even go on Saturdays.

Me too.

All right.

How many of you brought your cameras like I asked you to?

But how many of you brought me a million dollars

like I asked you to?

[ Laughter ]

All right, I guess we'll stick

with the photography.

Now, as you know, The Mirror is running its photo contest,

and we are all going to enter.

And I am going to win.

[ Laughter ]

This is quite a contest.

I'm going for the gold.

Now, the winner's photograph

is gonna hang in the Van de Kamp Art Gallery,

and it'll be published in the Art Director's Journal.

All right, g*ng, let's break out of this joint

and go sh**t up Chicago!

Gimme five.

Okay, let's start with word association.

Who wants to go first?

Him. Me.

Oh, come on, George.

Give in to the spirit of this.

We're here to explore the subconscious.

Okay.

Now, when I say a word,

I want you both to say

the first thing that comes into your mind, okay?

I happen to have a very associative mind.

Jerry, "house."

Architectural Digest.

George, "sex."

Is this a trick question?

George.

"Sex."

Wife.

Jerry, "drink."

Champagne.

Dom Pérignon. ' of course.

George, "sheet."

Paper.

Uh, "table."

Louis XIV.

Okay.

And "car."

Dodge.

Thanks.

You know, George,

I really admire your simplicity.

Are you saying I'm boring?

No. Just basic.

Ohh. I knew I should've used chimps.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Webster.

Say, George, do you think this photo's good enough

to enter the contest?

It's a great nature sh*t.

Oh, Webster, this is wonderful.

I see the universe in microcosm.

The symbiotic relationships of all life.

It's a bug on a leaf.

Katherine, I'm sorry, but I'm through with the tests.

Ohh, dear.

Yeah, honey, it's
-
- It's a nice picture.

It really is very nice.

Thanks, Ma'am, but "nice" won't win the photo contest.

I have to go for "radical."

I can see my photo in the paper where everyone can see it,

right next to the mud
-wrestling ads.

Sugar? Salt.

[ Both chuckle ]

The test is over.

I sent my evaluations in last week.

Oh, that's too bad.

I wanted to change some of my answers.

I think I had some of them wrong.

Honey, there is no right or wrong.

See, the only person that that test mattered to was me.

I am graded on how well my evaluations

line up with the institute's.

Oh. Well, I never trust tests.

You know, one time when I was in high school, Katherine,

I took a test, and you know what it said I was gonna be?

Get this
-
- an undertaker.

You look very well in black.

Tell you what
-
- I won't ever tell you your results

unless you want to know.

Oh, good.

Will you tell me Jerry's results?

Sure.

Ma'am, George, quick!

Where's the arts section?

Today they announce the winner of the photo contest.

Wow! That's my picture!

Yeah? Fantastic!

I don't believe this. Wait.

Let me look again.

It's still there!

Ma'am, George, look! I won!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, that's great!

It's a wonderful landscape. It looks so real.

I feel like I'm in the park.

I can hear the pitter
-patter of muggers' feet.

[ Chuckles ] Let me see.

Thanks, George. This is great.

You know, now I know how Luke Skywalker felt

when he blew up the Death Star.

[ Whooshing ]

Oh, Luke.

Um, can I ask a question?

Why does it say the winner is Mr. Jay Terry?

What?

That's my teacher.

But that's my picture.

The newspaper must have made a mistake.

They did that last week in the comics

when they made Blondie a brunette.

Honey, are you positive this is your photograph?

Yeah. But don't worry.

I'll talk to Mr. Terry this afternoon,

and he'll straighten everything out.

Now, our next project is gonna be woodworking,

so decide now if you would like to make a tie rack

or... add a room to your house.

Wonder why he hasn't said anything

about your picture winning.

He's probably waiting till after class

to make the big announcement.

I'll probably have to make some sort of speech.

Okay, g*ng. See you next time.

Excuse me, Mr. Terry.

Huh?

Oh, Webster. How are you doing?

The newspaper says that you won, but that's my picture.

[ Chuckling ] Webster, what are you talking about?

The picture. I took it.

Well, look, I can see how you might be a little confused, son.

Everybody took pictures in the park, but that one's mine.

But, Mr. Terry
-
-

I'm sorry, Webster. You're mistaken.

Oh, now, don't feel so bad. It could happen to anybody.

I'll see you next time.

I think you're gonna love woodworking.

KATHERINE: George?

Guess what the teen crisis group put on my jacket?

[ Laughs ]

And can you guess why?

Next to Cher, you're the woman they admire most?

Oh, well, that's true, but no.

Today we found out that I can spit farther

than Frankie Delisle or Hank the Hose.

Does that mean we're gonna get a spittoon?

No, I think we'd just keep the windows open.

Hi.

Hi, Ma'am. Hi, George.

Well, if it isn't Webster "Say Cheese" Long.

Come on. It wasn't that bad a joke.

Mr. Terry said the picture was his.

I swear it's mine.

If I'm lying, you can ground me for the rest of my life.

[ Clears throat ] Mr. Terry?

George and Katherine Papadapolis.

Oh, yes. I love your sportscast.

Thank you.

And I hear you are the best counselor in this place.


- Oh.
- Best spitter, too.

Oh, well.

I had the wind behind me. [ Laughs ]

I hear very nice things about you, too.

Well, that's great.

T
-This is very awkward, Mr. Terry.

Um...

It's about Webster, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Yeah, I felt awful when I talked to him before.

See, I took the kids to the park,

and we all took an awful lot of similar photos.

I'm afraid he's just a little confused on this one.

Yeah, but, you know, he seemed so positive.

I know.

I even rechecked the negatives.

It's not his photograph.

How could he be so confused?

I remember when I was Webster's age,

I was always trying to impress people with my achievements

to get their attention.

I'm sure it's just a phase he's going through.

All the kids go through it.

Yeah, Bobby.

Ma'am and George went to go talk to him.

I don't believe it, either.

No, I don't think aliens took over Mr. Terry's brain.

Oh, they're home. Bye.

[ Sighs ] Hi.

Well, did he admit it? Did he?

Sweetheart, you know how you're always telling us

what a great guy Mr. Terry is, huh?

Mm, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, you're right. He really is.

He seems to think this whole thing is a misunderstanding.

It's not!

I ran back yards

to fit that whole tree in this picture.

And just before I snapped it, that man walked into my sh*t.

It's my picture!

You have to believe me! You have to!

Oh, honey, we'd like to believe you.

We're just having a problem proving it.

[ Gasps ]

"Confidential test results."

Hi! Hello?

Oh, hey. How'd it go?

Well, Katherine lost, but I had a resounding victory.

[ Chuckles ] That
-year
-old will never mess with you again.

She was a tall
-year
-old.


- Did the mail come?
- What mail?

The white envelopes with the stamps in the corner...

that you're clutching in your hand.

Katherine, don't, uh
-
- Don't show Jerry those things.

Oh, honey, he's a grown
-up.

I'm sure he's seen bills before.

Oh, here it is. My evaluation!

Oh, please, please, let it be good.

Uhhh!

This is great!

Oh! [ Laughs ]

They confirm my evaluation point by point.

Oh, I am so relieved. Oh, thank you both.


- You're welcome.
- [ Laughs ] Yeah.


- I can just take
-
-
- Hold it, hold it.

I want to see how I did.

I can't wait to have my intelligence and savoir faire

verified by science.

Not to mention your modesty.

I was getting to that.

Can you read it?

No.

Well, the institute and I agree that you come out...

normal quirky.

[ Laughing ]

Well, what is that?

Cross between Ward Cleaver and Don King?

What happened to a
-artistic, perceptive, sensitive?

They disagreed.

Well, they are wrong.

What'd they say about George?

George doesn't want to know his results.

Then this will not reach its laugh
-riot potential.

And I will be on my normal
-yet
-quirky way.

Ciao.

Sure you don't want to know?

Positive.

Okay. [ Giggles ]

What does [Giggles mockingly] mean?

Well...

They said that you should become an undertaker.

Really? [ Doorbell rings ]

[ Laughs ] Of course not. I'm teasing you.

They said that you're one terrific guy

for doing a test you didn't want to do just for your wife.

Aww, that's nice.

Hot off the presses, Mr. Papadapolis.

Thanks a million, Steve.

No tip? No tip.

What is it?

Katherine, I went down to the station,

and I got Web's picture blown up.

I figured if I could find out who that guy was in the picture,

maybe he could back up Web's story.

Mm
-hmm.

[ Laughs ]

This is it, Katherine. Look at this!

[ Gasps ]

Web! Oh!

I saw this in a James Bond movie.

First of all, they blew up the picture,

and then they blew up the guy in the picture.

Look at this.

It's my picture.

Yes, and what else? Look at it.

Well, that's Mr. Terry walking in front of a tree.

Which means...

He couldn't have taken the picture!

Yay!

George, Ma'am, you're the greatest!

Just call me "Sherlock" Papadapolis.

We got him stone
-cold guilty.

That man out
-and
-out lied to us.

And stealing from a child?

I mean, he is an "A"
-number
-one...slimeball.

I'm surprised he didn't take credit for my macaroni collage.

Remind me to take a copy of that

over to the director of the center.

I'm gonna see that the newspaper gets a copy of this.

Yeah, and I'm gonna tell all the kids what's gonna happen.

What isgonna happen?

His reputation is sh*t.

I mean, he's
-
- I don't know.

He's obviously gonna lose his job at the center.

You mean, if I get the credit, he gets fired?

Yeah, of course.

Don't you think that's what he deserves?

Well, what Mr. Terry did was terrible.

But he used to be so nice to me.

Well, good people sometimes do bad things.

Then I guess that's what happened.

Boy.

I didn't want to get Mr. Terry into trouble.

We can't tell anyone about this picture.

Please promise.

Okay. It's, uh, your picture. It's your decision.

I think that's how I want it.

Boy, I feel really crummy.

Well, why don't you go down and tell Mr. Terry how you feel?

You mean in person?

Yeah. Or write him a note. Just get it off your chest.

Oh, Webster.

Hey, I missed you in class today.

What are you doing?

I'm quitting, Mr. Terry.

I don't want to take your class anymore.

Webster, listen.No.

That's my picture, and you know it.

I thought you were my friend.

But a real friend wouldn't have done that.

That's why I'm not coming back.

Okay.

There.

What do you mean, "there"?

That's not a word. "Berfnitz"?

I'm almost sure it is.

Ma'am, would you look that up for me, please?

KATHERINE: Okay.

Berfnitz.

Berfnitz, berfnitz.

Aha. Here we are.

Yeah, "berfnitz."

All right.

"Berfnitz
-
- To try to fool one's family

while playing a word game.

From the Latin, berfus."

[ Chuckles ]

So?

Can I use it?

[ Chuckling ] Get out of here.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Don't look at my letters.

Hi, Mr. Terry.

Can I come in?

Certainly.

I wanted you to know

that I called the newspaper about the photo

and set the record straight.

[ Sighs ]

Webster, this is for you.

It's a skunk.

My self
-portrait.

I guess I owe all of you an apology.

What I did was inexcusable.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, for whatever it's worth,

it started off as innocent mistake.

There was a big mix
-up when I was matching the photos

and the name tags, and, uh...

I didn't realize till after the picture was printed.

But if you knew, how come you didn't tell anyone?

Because it's the first time in my life

I've ever gotten any recognition.

Even though I didn't earn it.

You know what I do when I'm not working at the center?

I work at the shopping mall, taking pictures of kids.

I've got backdrops of woods and streams

or the Easter Bunny or whatever.

What does that have to do with my picture?

See, Webster, when I got out of college,

I had really big plans.

My camera was going to be my ticket

to a life of glamour and travel.

But...it just never happened.

I never really accomplished anything.

Well, sure you did.

You told me lots of things. And the other kids, too.

[ Exhales sharply ] Man, I don't believe I did this.

Well, frankly, neither did we, but...

[ Sighs ] We're all human, and I guess
-
-

Well, I guess we make mistakes.

Well, and I guess sometimes good people do bad things.

This is a very special kid you have.

I know whoever takes over my job is gonna enjoy working with him.

You're not coming back to the Community Center?

No, I think, under the circumstances,

it's best if I resign.

I'll just take on more
-
- more hours at the mall.

Who knows?

Maybe this will give me the push that I need

to go after all those dreams I used to have.

Good luck, Mr. Terry.

Thank you.

I'll be going on my way, let you get back to your game.

Excuse me. I do have a question.

What's that?

What's "berfnitz"?

[ Chuckles ]

All right.

I love this. Another Webster Long original.

Okay, everyone smile.

[ Strained ] And did you set the timer?

[ Strained ] Think so.

[ Strained ] You better check.

Hurry.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Theme song plays ]