04x08 - Kiss Me, Kate

[bunniefuu]

I can't get this math problem.

Oh, maybe I can help.

"If a boot leaked water at gallon an hour

and held quarts,

how long would it take for the boot to empty?"

Well, what's the answer?

Don't buy cheap boots.

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

GEORGE: Oh, well, this is gonna be great.

You betcha.

I can't hardly wait to see you.

Yes, I'll see you tomorrow. You bet.

This day has been a disaster.

I locked myself out of my briefcase.

See, I chose a combination that was easy to remember,

but [Chuckles] it's also easy to forget.

Well, I have some good news.

Jed Hammond's coming to town and get this
-
-

He's gonna stay with us. Isn't that exciting?

[ Sighing ] Uh
-huh.

Uh
-huh? That's it?

I bet you'd get more excited

if one of your sorority sisters named Muffy

was gonna come to stay with you.

I only had six sorority sisters named Muffy,

and I'm only excited about three of them.

Three...

Now, that sounds familiar. Six, three...

Well, none of your sisters named Muffy

ever had a hit TV series like Jed.

You know, "Bracken's Raiders"

was rated number last week?

That's it
-
- six, three, four.

Yeah, he's coming to town to do an episode

on how he foils a plot to dry up Lake Michigan.

Ah! Bingo!

Ohh! I got it! I got it!

[ Laughs ] Now I remember.

I chose my birthday.

June , ...mm.

I can't believe how casual you are about this.

Well, Jed Hammond is a very handsome actor, you know,

but he's no Supreme Court Justice.

Well, I don't see any women

throwing themselves at Thurgood Marshall.

What about Jed Hammond?

He's coming to stay with us.

Captain Bracken of "Bracken's Raiders" is coming here?

You got it. In this house?

Correct
-o.

♪ Captain Bracken's coming through ♪

♪ Captain Bracken's tried and true ♪

♪ Captain Bracken's always there ♪

♪ for the red, white and dun
-dun
-da
-na blue ♪

Well, that's more like it.

Last week, Captain Bracken captured bad guys

with his bare hands through machine g*n fire.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, you think we should make up the guest room,

or would he rather sleep in his Jeep?

George, how come Captain Bracken's staying here?

'Cause he's a friend of mine.

We played ball together.

Really?Yeah.

In fact, he was instrumental in saving my career.

Wow! What did he do?

Did he bazooka the other team?

Not exactly.

When he first came to the ball club,

I had just injured my knee.

Which one?

The one the creaks or the one that pops?

The one that creaks.

And he kind of
-
-

well, he kind of convinced me to continue.

I don't like to brag about anything,

but, uh, well, I did go on

and have three great all
-pro seasons after that.

Only three?

Can I bring some of my friends over to meet him?

Oh, honey, let's not drag everyone in to stare at him

like you did when the man came to clean the drapes.

Captain Bracken's the biggest hero on TV.

So can I please
-
-

Just let me bring [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] one[/span]friend over?

Please, please, please, pretty please, please, please!

Well, okay.

Just as long as it's one, one, one, one, one, one.

Boy, this sure beats the time

Roger saw Kojack at the candy store.

♪ Captain Bracken's always there ♪

♪ Captain Bracken ♪

You guys aren't gonna snap each other with towels, are you?

Oh, come on, sweetheart.

You know we're more grown up than that.

I think I will short
-sheet his bed, though.

Well, sweetheart, the guest room's cleaned up.

I put towels out and some Bengay just like in training camp.

Oh, well, those are the first
-class touches

that [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]I[/span]look for when I travel.

Oh, is that a new dress?

What, this?

T
-That you have on your body.

Well, depends what you mean by new.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I mean, like, just recently purchased,

the first time worn
-
- things like that.

Well, uh, yeah.

I guess you could
-
- could say that.

You know, but then all dresses are new once.

[ Chuckles ]

It wouldn't be for old Jed, would it?

[ Chuckles ]

Please! [ Chuckles ]

I'm just trying the dress on.

I mean, I'm gonna change into something more casual

before he gets here.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Darn, I don't have time.

TOGETHER: He's here! He's here!

No, no. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

MARK: Hello, Mr. Papadapolis.

Oh, so, you're his lucky friend.

I only invited Mark. I didn't invite any others.

That's right. He only invited me.

Okay. Here we go.

Jed, how you doing?

BOTH: Captain Bracken!

George Papadapolis.

[ Children shouting ]

Now, now, come on! Hold it! Hold it! Come on!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Web, I thought we made a deal.

I only invited one. Mark invited the others.

I'm sorry about this, Jed.

Hey, George, it's all right. I can handle it.

[ Children shouting ]

Raiders! Fall into line!

Atten
-hut!

Now, kids, the captain would like

to spend a few minutes with his old buddy here.

There will plenty of time

for autographs and debriefing later.

Raiders! Forward march!

Hut, hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

I know a few teachers

who would like to know how you do that.

You blow up an enemy convoy,

you get that kind of respect.

So, you must be Webster.

You know my name?

Sure, I met you when you were a baby.

Yeah, how could he forget you?

You spit up on his t
-shirt.

Sorry about that.

KATHERINE: Well, well, well.

This must be Jed Hammond.

Good guess, Katherine.

Jed, this is Katherine.

Please to meet you, Katherine.

I never thought old Potato Head

could find someone as lovely as you.

Oh! [ Chuckles ]

Well, thank you, and the same to you.

But the hand...

Oh.

That's a beautiful dress.

Oh, this old thing?

Yeah, it's old
-
- two or three hours old.

Captain Bracken, can I show you to your room?

Sure. Lead the way.

Listen, we're gonna be sh**ting on location all week.

You guys want to come and watch us?

Can we, Ma'am, George?

Please? Can we? Can we? Can we? Please?

Why, sure. I can't wait.

He never gets that excited when he comes to work with me.

You've never dismantled a b*mb with a toenail clipper.

Shh! I'm hiding till Captain Bracken gets here.

Say...

is this the suitcase with the secret compartment

like on the show?

As a matter of fact, it is.

And, Webster, do you know I keep in that secret compartment?

My underwear!

Wow! Does it explode?

I hope not.

You know what else I keep in there?

A genuine Captain Bracken action figure.

For me or for George?

You. From the captain himself.

You're the first one to get one.

They don't come out until Christmas.

Thanks. Move over, G.I. Joe.

Thanks a lot, Captain Bracken.

You can call me Jed.

Wow.

I'm gonna take this down to Benny's

and show it to the g*ng.

Boy, they are really gonna be excited.

George, look what I got!

[ Laughs ] Whee!

He's your number
-one fan.

I tell you, it's great to see Travis' kid

so well taken care of.

You and Katherine really did a great thing, George.

Still, I can't imagine you married with a kid.

What's there to imagine?

I got some great pictures here, Jed.

Oh, come on.

This is old Jed you're talking to, Papadapolis.

We missed many a curfew together.

Remember that time down in Houston

with those cowgirls from the rodeo?

Boy, you had to respect a girl that could throw a heifer.

[ Laughs ]

I sure had a hard time

explaining that rope burn on my ankle.

Long time ago.

Long, long time ago.

You know what's great about staying here with you

instead of at a hotel?

Yeah, you get a full
-size bar of soap.

[ Laughs ]

Well, what's great is that it's like being part of a family

even if it is for only four days.

Well, you [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]are[/span] part of a family
-
-

part of our family, and don't you forget it.

I won't.

Well, what do you think of that?

Championship game, the touchdown pass.

Hey, could I forget? [ Chuckles ]

God.

No, that's for you, Jed.

Thanks.

[ Laughter ]

Well, don't you ever get hurt during the fight scenes?

Oh, well, that's
-
- that's all stunts.

Here, I'll show you.

Okay.

Now, you take your best sh*t.

Really?! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Don't hit me.

You got to miss me by an inch.

And you got to look real mean when you do it.

Okay.

Ooh!

That was great, Jed.

Jed. Jed?

Gotcha!

First rule of counter
-espionage
-
-

never bend over your enemy.

I'll remember that.

Second rule
-
- always do your homework.

All of Bracken's Raiders always know their state capitals.

Yes, sir.

Ooh! [ Laughing ]

GEORGE: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]...which makes[/span] [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] this Yankee manager[/span]

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]the first to be fired[/span] [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] twice in the off
-season.[/span]

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]As always, this is[/span] [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] George Papadapolis saying[/span]

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]may the ball[/span] [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] always bounce your way.[/span]

[ Remote clicks ] [ Chuckles ]

You aren't interested in the weather?

Yeah, but this weatherman sings the forecast.

Oh. And I thought all the kooks were at Hollywood.

Oh, no.

That's just where they go when they're famous.

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]This[/span]is where they start.

Refill? Please.

Do you watch George every night?

Yeah, I do when I can.

If we stay interested in what each other does,

we stay interested in each other.

That is very nice.

Oh.

Of course, he always warns me if there's any clips

on boxing or hockey fights or European soccer.

George is very lucky to have a wife like you.

I have been telling him that very thing for three years.

You're attractive, you're funny,

and you look great in that dress.

Oh, thank you. [ Laughs ]

Of course, the designer does deserve some credit.

Ernest Borgnine would look great in this dress.

[ Chuckles ]

Don't put yourself down. You're a very attractive woman.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Okay, I give up! I'm gorgeous!

Mm!

Hey!

It was just a kiss.

A peck on the cheek is just a kiss.

That was an out
-and
-out pass.

I couldn't help myself. I was a quarterback.

[ Groans ]

Hey! A joke!

Well, I don't get it.

Come on! This kind of thing happens all the time.

Maybe in Hollywood, but not in my kitchen.

What did you expect that I would do?

I don't know. Hadn't thought about it.

I was attracted to you.

I'm sorry.

I guess I, uh, just misread the signals.

There weren't any signals.

You dress like this all the time?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Okay. Okay. Just... Let's just forget it.

[ Chuckles ] Forget it.

Forget that I'm the wife of a man you call your friend.

Yeah, just forget it.

I'd like to throw you out of here so fast,

your head would spin.

So why don't you?

Because I don't know how to tell George

what a jerk you are.

GEORGE: Champ, let's go!

Web
-
- Web!

Why aren't you dressed?

I don't feel so good.

Why, honey? What's the matter?

Well, I think I got a temperature.

Really? Gee, you feel nice and cool.

That's because it's mostly in my stomach.

I think it's the flu that's going around.

You know, the King
-Kong flu.

Gee, Web, I'm sorry you're feeling under the weather.

Today's the day that we're gonna sh**t that car chase

down Michigan Avenue.

I said I can't go 'cause I'm sick!

Uh, honey, you get back into bed,

and I'll be up in a minute.

Well, I think I'll check on our ride.

Sweetheart, I
-I don't know.

If he's sick, maybe I should stay home.

No, if you stayed home, he'd feel twice as bad.

Go on.

Yeah, and I do want to see the car chase.

See you, darling.

Tell him I'll bring him home a souvenir.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi! It's me, making my rounds.

How's the patient.

Fine. Except my stomach. It still hurts.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were alone.

Aha
-ha! [ Chuckles ]

Wow!

Lots of friends here.

I just want to make sure I had everything I needed.

Why didn't you want to go to the filming?

'Cause I'm sick.

Web...I know you.

If you'd had a temperature of ,

you would have put a popsicle to your face

so you could have gone.

So what happened?

Captain Bracken.

He's a real creep.

Why?

Well, I saw him kiss you last night.

[ Sighing ] Oh, boy.

I'm sorry you saw that.

Yeah.

Why would he do something like that?

Oh, honey, I don't know.

I mean, Jed made a big mistake.

Yeah, and you whopped him one

for making that big mistake.

[ Both laugh ]

You saw that, too?

Well, they don't call me

Katherine the Contender for nothing.

[ Chuckles ]

He's a jerk.

A jerk and a half.

Boy...Jed was my all
-time favorite.

I looked up to him as a hero.

Ma'am, heroes don't do things like that.

No, sweetheart, they don't.

What I don't understand

is what do they need a wind machine for?

This is the windy city.

Same reason we took phony snow to Vermont.

Our director likes to compete with God.

Well, guys, is that a wrap for the day?

"Is that a wrap for the day?"

Where'd you get that Hollywood film jargon, sweetheart?

Because I used to go out with a director

who said that at the end of every date.

[ Chuckles ]

Did I have a great time today, sweetheart?

The director recognized me and he put me in the film.

It was fabulous.

I'll tell you
-
- Katherine, he was a natural.

Well, you must have played the strong, silent type

whose eyes betray a hidden mystery.

I played a dead man in a morgue.

He was the best dead man we had.

Well, I think I'll run upstairs and wash my makeup off.

Hey, George, you know what was great

about working with you again?

What?

Nobody tried to take our heads off.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, sweetheart. Get this.

I have a little souvenir for Web.

This is what's left of the Ferrari

that they blew up... the dipstick.

We have to talk. We have a problem.

Is Web all right?

Oh, yes, he's fine. [ Inhales deeply ]

There's something that, um, I think I have to tell you

which is that while you were at work last night,

Jed sort of, um...

um...

he came on to me.

What do you mean, came on to you?

I mean he kissed me.

Well...he was just kidding.

He's that kind of guy. [ Chuckles ]

No, it wasn't that kind of a kiss.

Why did we invite him here?

'Cause he's my friend, darling.

I'm sorry that this happened.

I had no idea he'd do something like this.

That's no big deal. It's okay. I handled it.

But Webster saw the whole thing.

Well, Jed didn't know he was there and neither did I,

but that is the reason

that Webster wouldn't go with you guys this morning.

He isn't sick, he's...he's hurt.

Jed, did you make a pass at Katherine?

Whoa. I'm fine. How are you?

No, I'm serious.

Did Katherine tell you that?

Yes, she did.

Well, she's exaggerating.

It was a... little Hollywood kiss.

Just...fooling around, you know?

That's what you call it? I call it lousy.

George, it was no big deal.

No big deal? It was a big deal!

Jed, not only did you try to hit on my wife,

my son saw that!

Oh, hey.

I didn't know Webster was there.

What difference does that make, Jed?

Now, you used to be a great football player,

and we were real good friends.

You were a decent human being.

What happened to that guy?

[ Sighs ]

Maybe, uh, I better go to a hotel.

Yeah, maybe you'd better go to a hotel.

The sneaker's stealing the ball, but can they get the teeth?

Can they?!

[ Knock at door ]

May I come in?

I suppose.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, buddy.

I'm sorry you couldn't make it this morning.

Something's come up, and I've got to split.

I just wanted to come by, and say goodbye to a fan.

Bye.

Bye?

That's all you've got for Captain Bracken?

I saw what you did to Ma'am last night.

Listen, I know you saw something last night

that really upset you, but it shouldn't.

I just kissed your mom because she's my friend.

She's not your friend.

We think you're a jerk.

That's why she whopped you.

Whatever happened to Captain Bracken's code?

Be loyal to your friends.

Okay. Okay.

I made a mistake.

But I'd still like us to be friends.

Shake?

I'll call a cab.

There's one waiting. Your bags are in it.

See you, Jed.

George.

Katherine.

Hi.

You okay, champ?

Sorta.

Sorta? Hmm.

There are all kinds of different "sortas".

I don't understand. I thought Jed was a great guy.

He was.

He just changed.

But how could he be like that

and still be Captain Bracken?

Oh, honey, actors aren't the same

as the characters they play on television.

Yeah, like today, I played a dead man.

Really? Yeah.

But I'm not dead, am I?

[ Chuckles ]

Boy.

I'm sure not gonna believe in [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]any[/span]heroes anymore.

Oh, okay.

But you remember way back when you did believe in heroes?

What'd you like about them?

That they weren't afraid,

that they always told the truth, they were fair,

and they always fought for what they thought was right.

Well, if that's what you believe in,

that's what you should try to be.

And don't let anybody change your mind.

Ma'am?Mm
-hmm?

Do you have a hero?

Oh, yes, I have many heroes.

In fact, I married one.

[ Laughs ] Come here.

[ As Ralph Kramden ] Baby, you're the greatest.

KATHERINE: George, please. We've seen this times.

GEORGE: Well, Web hasn't spotted me yet.

MAN: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Who could[/span] [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] possibly be responsible[/span]

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]for these killings, Captain?[/span]

CAPTAIN BRACKEN: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] I don't know.[/span]

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]But whoever it is,[/span] [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] we'll get him.[/span]

There you are, George!

Yes! Yes!

Good acting, huh?

Brilliant. Now can we watch something else?


- Can I see it again?
- Yes, you can see it again.

Put it on. Put it on.

You don't appreciate great talent.

There you are.

[ Theme song plays ]