04x06 - Witchbusters

[bunniefuu]

You'll never take me alive.

Pow! Pow!

You rustled your last cow, you dirty critter.

Pow! Pow!

[ Groans ]

GEORGE: Web!

Good.

Dinner.

We'll finish this after I mosey on down and get some grub.

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losin' track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spendin' my time just holdin' the line ♪

♪ Never gettin' caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without takin' a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

What are all these pumpkins?

What did you do, get suckered in by a pumpkin salesman?

I'm trying out a new decorator who's going with a farm motif.

No, I told Chris you and I would help her carve the pumpkins


- for the party.
- Oh, she must have found out

that I was the Leonardo da Vinci of carving.

Did you tell her about the one I did last year

that looked like the Mona Lisa?

I thought that was Walter Brennan.

Oh, well, you must have seen it when it was all shriveled up.

Where's Web? Uh, I can't wait till he sees [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]this.[/span]

Aah! [ Chuckles ]

[ [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Eerie music plays on TV[/span]]

[ [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Crunching[/span]]

Don't open that door.

Don't open that
-
-

[ [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Woman shrieks[/span]]

I told you not to open that door.

Here we are!

[ Boys scream ]

We don't have to stay.

Oh. [ Sighs ] It's okay.

"The Creepy Undead" are on a station break.

Oh, "The Creepy Undead". I love that movie.

It's so scary. Those three kids,

they think they're gonna die on that iceberg,

but Bobby Collasty saves them at the end.

[ Boys groan ]

Thanks a lot, George.

CHUBBY: Forget the movie. Look at this buffet!

Neil, you can always come back tomorrow night, you know.

Oh, I will.

Chubby, show Ma'am that trick

where you hide the M&M's in your nose.

Oh! No, thanks, honey.

I'm really not into nasal confectionery tricks.

[ Chuckles ]

Have fun!

I'm gonna come to your house times tomorrow, Webster.

Yeah, I'll be here, too.

This is the best trick
-or
-treating neighborhood


- I know.
- Except for one house
-
-

Mrs. Crabapple's. I just want to see [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]fake[/span]witches, not real ones.

That's not her real name, and she's not a real witch.

Oh, sure. She's just a normal lady

who never goes out of her house, not even for food?

No one's ever seen her,

just her shadow floating by her window at night.

Probably collecting spiders for her witch's brews.

My father says there's no such thing as witches,

and he knows everything.

He's a certified public accountant.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then how come she can turn people into animals?

Can not.

Can, too.

She turned Richie Davis into a cat.

Remember when he stopped coming to school?

That's because his family moved to Milwaukee.

That's what they [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]say.[/span] But the very same day,

I saw a cat in Mrs. Crabapple's yard

with two different colored eyes, just like Richie's.

That doesn't prove anything.

I swear she is a witch! And if I'm lying,

may the creeping undead come and suck my brains out.

I think they already did.

Well, I still don't believe it.

And I don't believe it, either...I think.

All right, then.

I dare both of you to go down to old Crabapple's house.

No, I don't think that's such a good idea.

You know, that's exactly what I'd expect a chicken to say.

[ Both clucking ]

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not a chicken.

Me, neither.

Then you'll do it?

Yeah. We will?

Sure. Tomorrow.

Or maybe when we're in college.

[ Laughs ]

No, you have to go over there tonight.

Tonight?

Without telling Ma'am and George?

That's right. And if you don't go,

I'll make sure the whole school knows

you're a couple of egg
-layers.

[ Both clucking ]

GEORGE: Isn't it a great effect, Katherine?

KATHERINE: Absolutely.

You know, with those silly grins and those missing teeth,

kind of reminds me of

the Green Bay Packers' offensive line.

You have done a great job, honey,

'cause these guys are just darling.

[ Chuckles ] "Darling"? Yeah.

It's not supposed to be darling. They're supposed to be...

[ Growls ]

Oh, you're so cute. [ Knock on door ]

[ Gasps ] Oh, good.

Hi, George.

Oh.

Gee, they don't make frightened villagers like they used to.

Boy, did I luck out. I found a corner

with three stands that were having a pumpkin w*r.

Got this one for cents. It's a little lumpy on one side.

Aren't we all?

Well, pull up a chair and try your hand.

Yeah, sure. Oh.

You know, I was right in the middle

of hanging skeletons from the basketball hoops

when Mr. Turnball called me into his office.

Oh, did he show you his [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]bread[/span]sculptures?

Yeah. And then he offered me

a permanent job as activities director.

You know, if we put ears on this,

it'll look just like Ted Koppel.

Oh, well, Ted can interview the Green Bay Packer pumpkins.

Are you gonna take the job?

It's really fun.

I mean, I'm having a good time.

You meet a lot of interesting people.

Good. So you [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]are[/span]gonna take it.

I don't know.

Maybe it's the phrase "permanent job" that bothers me.

I mean, my father had a permanent job selling hardware.

For years, he wore the same clothes to work.

Was he happy?

On the weekends.

I just don't want to live my life waiting for Fridays.

Oh, Katherine, I just tried to scare Web and nothing happened.

This mask must be defective.

What is with all these pumpkins here?

Gosh! Look at the time. I think I'll be running along.

Bye.

I thought we were gonna...

sculpture these things, not breed them.

George, where is your sense of community spirit?

Community spirit
-
-

one pumpkin, two pumpkin, three pumpkin, four.

But come on. This is a fetish.

Okay, I admit. I have this fantasy

about a small, bald, orange, toothless man.

George, I have to carve another pumpkin


- before I can go to bed.
- Oh, sweetheart,

sweetheart, let's these jack
-o'
-lanterns

and go upstairs and put a smile on both [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]our[/span]faces.

Good night, Ted.

"Good night, Ted." She said it. Good night, Ted!

Later, boys.

[ Gasps ]

Aah! Aah!

CHUBBY: Webster, it's me.

Get in here, quick.

Whew. Boy, if we're scared already,

it's gonna be a long night.

How come you're dressed up like that?

Well, guys always wear black

when they're creeping around someone's house in the movies.

Then how come you have on white sneakers?

They were the only ones that came in double wide.

Chubby, I don't know about this.

I don't like the idea of sneaking out.

But we told the guys we'd go tonight

and take a picture to prove it.

You don't think anyone

can turn a kid into a cat, do you?

Nah.

Listen, we'd better go.

Webster, you're my best friend.

If anything happens to you tonight,

can I have your Super Destruct
-O Robot?

[ Eerie music playing ]

Okay, I'm in.

WEBSTER: Are you okay?

I'm not a cat yet.

You go around front, and I'll open the door.

What should we take a picture of, Webster?

Let's just take it quick.

Find something that looks creepy.


- Aah!
- Aah!

Who's out there?!

It's her. Run, Chubby! Run!

You're in big trouble!

You'll be sorry!

Darn kids.

Oh, no!

Chubby?

Is that you?

You're not really Chubby, are you?

Well, if you are, do something Chubby would do.

Chubby [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]does[/span]eat.

Boy, what a mess.

[ Cat meows ]

Come back! Oh, no!

[ Cat meows ]

Oh, Katherine.

Katherine, please. I'm exhausted.

[ Cat meows ]

Oh!

[ Gasps ]

Some dream, huh? Webster and a cat.


- That's not Chubby?
- That's not Chubby.

That's more like, um
-
-

oh, that's more like Chubbette.

Oh. What a relief!

Well, I guess I'll go to bed now.

Au contraire, mon cat burglar.

Get up here. We're gonna discuss your little prank.

I didn't want to do it, but I had to.

Why?

Do you know what it'd be like

if you had a whole bunch of kids going...

[ Imitates chicken clucking ]

...at you?

Can't say as I do.

Well, I just got through talking to Neil's mother.

Boy, he's safe in bed, but did she put the planks to him.

No more movies, no more television for a month.

Poor, poor Chubby.

What? Mrs. Chubby's right.

That's gonna be your punishment, too.

Poor, poor me.

We're gonna have to find a way

for you to make it up to that poor old woman.

But right now, my friend, you're in the hot seat.

Now I want to know why you went in that house.

Well, everyone calls her a witch,

and I was just trying to prove that she wasn't.

A witch? Who would say such a thing?

You know all about those spooky stories, Ma'am.

Oh, Katherine, I can see why they think that.

I mean, look at that house. It's all run down.

And the yard
-
- it's just full of junk,

and there's cats all over.

It's creepy.

Yeah, and she chases kids with a broom.

When I was a young boy about Web's age,

we had a woman like that on our block.

And you know what we called her?

Crabapple.

That's what the kids call her.

Huh.

You are both just terrible!

I mean, do you think

maybe that nobody ever talks to that poor woman,

and that's why she's lonely?

Oh, you're not gonna say what I think you are.

And I think it would be nice

if we went and saw our neighbor tomorrow.

She said it.

Katherine, if we're gonna go anywhere,

why don't we go over to the new neighbors'?

At least they got a Jacuzzi.

I think George is right.

I don't think we should go bother that lady ever.

Freeze.

How do you intend to return this cat to that lady
-
-

parcel post?

How many stamps would that be?

You are gonna take it back personally, feline express.

[ Knock on door ]

Hello?

Hello? Is anyone home?

Well, Web was right. Let's go.

Who is it?! Oh!

What do you want?

Uh, I'm, uh, Katherine.

And this is George Papadapolis. We're your neighbors.

And, um, this is our son, Webster.

So?

A real cutie, huh?

Well, uh, W
-Webster has something

that he wants to say to you.

But let me tell you right now, I'm not interested

in magazine subscriptions, encyclopedias,

or sending the school band to Washington.

What about a subscription to charm school?

I'm sorry I took your cat, Miss Diamond.

What? You have Bootsie?

I've been looking all over for her!

[ Chuckles ] Bootsie!

Oh, thank goodness you're all right.

I was so worried about you.

The reason why I took your cat

was because I thought she was my friend.

Because my cat's friendly, it's okay to steal it?

Isn't it enough you
-
- you boys

ring my doorbell and run away?

You throw trash on my lawn,

toilet
-paper my trees?

Trash? Toilet paper?

Webster!

It's not me. I don't do it. Honest!

Well, it's somebody.

You must have seen the trash in the yard.

I don't have it delivered.

[ Laughs ]

Please tell your friends I just want to be left alone.

Well, I'm sure not all the kids

are like that, Mrs. Diamond.

I'm sure there are some that would like

to even help rake the yard.

Yeah, you might know someone like that. Huh, Web?

Well, I'll ask around.

Yeah, maybe you can find someone

who'd like to make up for breaking in last night.

Yeah, someone who'd rather do that

than lose their, uh, trick
-or
-treat

privileges tonight.

Where do you keep the rake?

Oh, thank you. That's not necessary.

Just let me and my cats be.

Well, he's just trying to make up, Mrs. Diamond,

for taking your cat.

I'm sure that's true, but you really must go now.

I mustn't miss my soap opera.

Well, we can understand that, Mrs. Diamond.

Nice meeting you.

Mrs. Diamond, if you like, uh,

well, maybe you'll come over and visit us sometime.

Oh, well, I don't think so.

I'm very busy.

Thank you, but I'm fine here.

Bye, Mrs. Diamond. I'm really sorry.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

who is the scariest of them all?

[ Groans ]


- George?
- Hmm?

Do you think this is a little steamy

for the Community Center?

Care not for what they say, my darling!

You are the ghoul of my dreams.

Oh, you're pretty cute, too, you little zipper
-neck.

And you're made of the best parts they could dig up.

Mwah! Mwah!

Well, here's the last of the pumpkins.

Thanks, both of you, for all your help.

Oh, you're welcome.

And, uh, by the way,

I, uh, took that permanent job

as activities director,

at least temporarily.

Oh, congratulations.


- That's wonderful!
-Thanks.

Now we have to celebrate. What about lunch?

I've always wanted to have lunch

in that hot air balloon over Lincoln Park,

and I can't take George 'cause he drops his silverware.

You're on. I'll see you at the party.

Oh, okay.

Bye, Frankie. Bye, Tink.

Well, I hope the Community Center

appreciates all the carving we've done.

Don't worry.

Frankie DeLisle and his g*ng

always recognize good Kn*fe work.

[ Doorbell rings ] [ Gasps ]

No, don't, Katherine. Let me do it.

What?

GIRL: Trick or treat!

This is my first one tonight.

[ Growls ]

Hi, Mr. Papadapolis.

Thank you.

Look, why don't I take over for a while,

and you go back to the laboratory

and wait for a lightning storm?

Boo!

Aah!

Cool threads, huh?

Boy, I love Halloween.

Oh, and I have a surprise for you, too.

GEORGE: Oh!

Oh, Mrs. Diamond! What a treat.

My goodness!

If this is what they're wearing these days,

I am out of touch.

Come and sit down.

Oh, this is very nice
-
-

just like the house in one of my soap operas.

Yes, it is,

but without the lust, m*rder, and amnesia.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, once in a while,

we have a wild backgammon game.

Well, I'm very glad that you decided to come.

It was Webster's idea.

He stopped by on his way home.

I opened the door,

and there was a vampire offering me gummy bears.

They keep getting caught in my fangs.

Well, whatever the reason, I was happy to see him

because I'd been thinking a lot about your visit.

I made a mistake this morning.

Before I met you folks,

I'd forgotten that human beings

can be as good friends as cats.

Yeah. We don't shed, either.

Oh, good point.

After my husband d*ed,

I
-I guess I sort of closed myself off to the world.

So when Webster came back tonight,

I figured I had a second chance.

So here I am.

And I apologize for the way I acted before.

Oh, no.

I've had a wonderful visit.

Goodbye.

Mrs. Diamond?

Yes?

How would you like to come

to a Halloween party with us right now?

A party?Yeah.

I don't really think so.

Besides, I
-I don't even have a costume.

Well, you don't need a costume.

You could come as Frankenstein's social secretary.

What a good idea.

Then you can see the Community Center

and meet everybody, but you have to imagine it

without the skeleton and bats hanging from the ceiling.

Yes, you'll love it, Miss Diamond.

And the theme of it is

the Community Center that dripped blood.

Oh. I haven't been to a party in years.


- I guess it could be fun.
- Good!

Oh, do you think there'll be anyone there

to do the lindy or
-
- or the foxtrot with?

Well, Mrs. Diamond, you're looking at him.

Yeah, they don't call him [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] Frankenstaire[/span]for nothing.

Will you dance with me, too, Webster?

Sure.

[ Transylvanian accent ] But I must be home before the sun comes out.

Boy, that was a great party.

Yeah. Mrs. Diamond had such a good time.

She actually got Frankie DeLisle and his g*ng

to do the bunny hop.

Oh, my feet!

Katherine, what a horrible Halloween trick to play,

leaving me at the party l
-like...


- Aah!
- Aah!

[ Theme song plays ]