04x03 - The Derby

[bunniefuu]

You think you left it in long enough, George?

Yeah.

Ah, it's just right.

[ Laughs ]

Next time, I'll get you a puddle
-proof book.

All right.

[ Both laugh ]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

I'm home from the hunt!

Ohh.

Who is this ravishing creature in my kitchen?

Quick, my love.

One kiss before my wife comes home.

Mm!

It's doing it again.

The refrigerator's making strange noises.

Maybe it's hungry.

[ Rumbling ] Now, you heard that.

It's been growling at me all afternoon.

Well, maybe you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes

around your appliances.

Remember that blender that blew up

when it saw you in your bikini?

Will you
-
- [ Whistle, rumble ]

Okay, that's it. That's it!

That sounds like the Alien.

I want it out. Gone. Out.

Ma'am, George, the greatest thing just happened.

I'm in Danny's pit crew for the Orange Crate Derby.

Yep! I'm going for my fourth straight championship,

so I needed someone good.

Well, congratulations! That's wonderful, sweetheart.

Just, uh, what exactly does a pit man do?

I thought the car just rolled downhill.

Well, yeah, it does.

But I need someone to make sure my seat cushion's in place.

Yeah, and I'm the guy.

I've got to go, Web. Now, remember what we worked on.

Right. Cushion in, cushion out.

I'm a natural!

See ya.

Boy, what a day.

This morning, I was just Webster Long, th grader.

Now I'm Webster Long, pit mechanic.

Well, honey, if you're gonna have that much fun,

why don't you enter the derby yourself?

I don't have a car.

Couldn't you build one?

Me? You think I could?

Sure, you
-
- Remember that mailbox you built?

Now, that was really good.

And it would have lasted longer, too,

if Ed McMahon hadn't sent all that stuff in one day.

Katherine, that was a lovely mailbox,

but we're talking about a sophisticated vehicle

that demands a great knowledge of aerodynamics.

It's four wheels and a box.

I mean, how hard could it be?

You could help him if he needed it.

Well, sure, but what would poor Danny do

without a
-
- without a pit man?

Well, he can take the next runner
-up.

Nine of us tried out.

Well, good. There you go. What about it, George?

Yeah, come on. And it'll be real safe.

And I'll be learning how to drive in a car with no engine.

Well, listen, I don't want to be a party pooper. Go for it.

Thanks, George! Thanks, ma'am.

Now I'm Webster Long, racecar driver.

I love America.

Oh, Katherine, Katherine.

I wish you wouldn't have done that.

Done what?

Pushed him into entering the Orange Crate Derby.

Pushed him?

Wait a minute, George. You were here. You heard him.

He hasn't been this excited

since his ant farm arrived with two queens.

It's just that, darling, there's so much competition going on.

There's Pop Warner football, Little League Baseball,

not to mention soccer.

When was the last time you saw a kid just climb a tree

or
-
- or skip a pebble on the water

or
-
- or even make a whistle out of a blade of grass?

Not since Tom and Huck moved out of the neighborhood.

Oh, I don't know, Katherine.

But you're right about one thing
-
-

we definitely need another refrigerator.

Oh, good. My biker mama's home.

[ Laughs ] Oh, George.

This jacket is really helping me relate

to the teens in the crisis group.

You know, today, Frankie DeLisle offered

to get me a discount on a tattoo?

Not a bad idea.

"Born to counsel."

Katherine, I think we really

have to make a decision on this refrigerator.

Oh, you decide, honey.

I mean, you know, a refrigerator's a refrigerator.

Oh, great.

Then we'll go with this one
-
- the fisherman's classic.

It has separate compartments for butter, eggs, and bait.

Well, on second thought,

maybe I will look at the brochures.

I don't want your minnows flirting with my herring.

Oh, where's Webster Granatelli? Is he still in the garage?

Oh, he's keeping that car hush
-hush.

He even got the meter man to wear a blindfold.

Tell me if this isn't the cutest racing outfit

you've ever seen.

[ Chuckles ] Don't you think he's gonna love it?

Yeah, if he doesn't get b*at up for wearing it.

Don't you think it's a bit much?

Well, he can't race in rags.

Oh, and look what I got us.

One for you, one for me.

Here we go.

[ Imitates engine revving ]

Katherine, I'm warning you.

If we get too involved in this thing,

it's gonna put pressure on him to win.

I guess I could take it back.

Oh, ma'am, is that for me?!

Or not.

Wow! [ Chuckles ]

A lightning bolt!

Yeah.

Now I know what to put on my car!

Thanks, ma'am!

So, when are we gonna see this masterpiece of yours?

Well, I was hoping to finish it by tomorrow.

But I need a bag of flour.

A bag of flour?

Do the boys in Detroit know about this?

It's a secret idea I have. I'm still working out the kinks.

Oh, well, I have some flour in the kitchen you could use.

I just bought it to hide my jewelry in.

WEBSTER: Step, step, step.

Okay. One big step.

[ Laughs ] I love this.

Okay. Don't look yet.

Can I straighten my knees?

You sure can.

George, you're peeking!

Of course I'm peeking.

That's why I was such a good hide
-and
-seek player.

Okay, you can look now!

[ Both gasp ]Ta
-da!

Oh! Oh, honey!

That is w
-
- Oh!

Oh, that is dear!

Dear?

Yeah, that's a lady's way of saying it's one mean machine.

Well, I call it "Greased Lightning."

Let me ask you something. Is this turbocharged?

Better
-
- it's Webster
-charged.

Listen to this.

[ Card clicking ]

Ohh! [ Chuckles ]

Well, I'm gonna let you boys

dive under the hood and do your little work.

I'm off to the Community Center. Goodbye.


- On Saturday?
- Yes.

It's the only day my Gray Panther group

isn't out picketing for something.

Happy motoring! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

So, where'd you put the flour?

Oh, that's the best part.

Check it out.

You got to get down a little bit.

Pbht!

[ Chuckles ] Smoke!

[ Laughs ]

So, what should we do?

Should we test it out in the driveway,

or should we go right to Indy?

Knock! Knock! Knock! Anybody home?!

Hey, Web!


- Hey, Danny.
- Hi. How you doing?

I'm Woody, the other half of, uh, Team Feldman.

Ohh. I
-I'm Ge
-
-

I know
-
- George Papadapolis.

Hey, I watch your show.

Listen, as long as the boys were going to be racing together,

we just thought we'd stop by

and, uh, check out the competition.

Good. He's unveiling his new model right now.

WEBSTER: Yeah, I'm gonna add some chrome

just as soon as we have some TV dinners.

Ohh. Well, well, well.

That's
-
- That's quite a little roadster you got there, son.

You don't see burlap used that much anymore.

Oh, well, I got it from a potato sack.

I almost named the car "The French Fry Express."

Oh, Dad! Look! He's got headlights!

Can I put some on my car?

No, no, son. We recycle our tin cans.

Say, why don't you show Mr. Papadapolis your car, huh?


- Sure.
- Yeah.

Well, what do you think, Woody?

I might be a little biased,

but I think he's done one heck of a job.

Oh, yeah. He
-
- That's a
-
-

That's a real, uh, honey of a car.

Yeah, we just, uh
-
- We just got done

running her through the wind tunnel at Turbo Tech.

Wind tunnel?

Yeah, that new fiberglass hull should shave

a second and a half off last year's time.


- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Where's the orange crate?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, it's in there.

Highly modified, but well within specifications.

Sure, for the starship [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Enterprise.[/span]

Didn't Danny do a great job with his car, George?

Hey, well, my dad helped...some.

Oh, really?

Oh, hey, I enjoy it.

You know, I do understand, though,

that there are some parents who just don't have time

to get involved in their kid's lives.

I don't think it's a matter of time.

You know, you're right. It isn't. It's priorities.

And I may be in the minority, George,

but I put my kid right at the top of my list.

Now, wait a minute now.

If Webster wanted help, he sure as heck would have asked me.

Well, of course he would have.

Come on, Danny. We've got to hit the road.

We'll, uh
-
- We'll see you in the pits.

Bye, Webs! Bye!

So, George, um, what should we try out first?

You know, I've been thinking about what a good job

you've done on this, Web.

Thanks, George.

With a few modifications,

we could really get this thing humming.

Like what?

Well, first of all, let's take this off.


- Uh, but George
-
-
- Don't worry about it.

We've got a whole week to get Greased Lightning

to live up to its name.

Yoo
-hoo.

Hey, George, I've got some better headlights.

We don't need headlights.

We want to keep this real streamlined.

Oh, great. I ate two cans of beans for nothing.

[ Sighs ] Web, Web, my boy.

A week from today, that pile of wood over there

is gonna be a championship racer,

and this
-
- this is the key to our checkered flag.

George, that seems like a lot of work.

Not for Team Papadapolis.

Uh, should I start cutting out the frame?

No, not right now.

Then, what [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]can[/span]I do?

Oh, there's a lot of things for you to do.

Why don't you go get us some lunch?

There you are, Ms. Papadropolis.

You've got yourself one fine cooling unit.

If you ever want to replace that stove, give me a jingle.

Oh. Actually, I don't use it much.

My husband does most of the cooking.

Oh, a career gal, huh?

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

I begged and begged my hubby

to let me hang up my apron strings and oven mitts

so I could pursue a career in psychology.

A shrink, huh?

You know, my daughter goes to one of them,

but it doesn't seem to help much.

She's still not married.

Maybe she's too comfortable living with you in the s.

Thank you.

Oh. Oh! Enjoy your unit.

[ Sighs ]

Hi, honey. Where's George?

Working on my car.

I thought it was finished.

It was, but he had a few ideas for a couple of changes.

Oh.

Can I have the mayo, please?

Mayonnaise.

Ohh.

That big kid. [ Chuckles ]

I knew as soon as he saw how much fun you were having,

he'd want to play, too.

Yeah. Do we have any sandwich meat?

Um, yes.

You know, Webster, you're a very lucky little boy.

Yeah, George finished off the liverwurst last night.

You're lucky to have a father

who really wants to spend time with you.

Yeah.

Uh, pickles?

Uh
-huh.

When I was your age, my father was always so...

distant.

Oh, you mean hard to talk to?

No.

Distant, as in Europe.

Oh, he sent me presents from all over the world.

[ Chuckles ]

But I would have given up

all the Swiss chocolate and lederhosen

to have the kind of quality time that you and George share.

Yeah, I guess it's pretty neat

that George is helping me out.

Yeah.

Now, you're not gonna be using

the, um, herring or the olives, right?

No, just some raisins.

The mustard helps the raisins to stick.

[ Saw buzzing ]

[ Sander whirs ]

[ Sander whirring ]

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Big smile.

[ Sighs ] Well, we did it.

We built a humdinger, didn't we, kid?

Sure did, George
-
- a great dinger.

Can I go to bed now?


- Sure.
- Sure, go to bed now.

We want to rest up for that big race tomorrow.


- Good night, sweetheart.
- Goodnight, ma'am.

Goodnight, George.

[ Sighs ]

You know, George, you and Webster built more than a car.

You built some wonderful memories.

Yeah, and it gave me a chance to add to my tool supply.

Win or lose,

you both have had a wonderful bonding experience.

Now, speaking of bonding
-
-

"Win or lose"? Come on. That's such a defeatist attitude.

Obviously you never played football.

Alas, the secret's out.

Darling, my coach used to say to me,

"If you're thinking about losing,

"don't get on the football field...

unless maybe it's against Northwestern."

Uh, George, I was thinking about another contact sport
-
-

no uniforms, fewer players, no injuries.

You know what I mean?

Darling, I can't wait to see Team Feldman's eyes

when they take a gander at that.

George, my darling.

Porgie Porgie, look into my eyes.

Now, I'm having a fantasy of a man in a work shirt.

That gives me a great idea, Katherine.

Oh, good, I've still got it.

If I lower that chassis a half a inch,

it's gonna cut down on the wind resistance.

I'm back! Oh, am I interrupting something?


- Unfortunately not.
- Oh.

Well, what do you think, Feldman?

Word around the track is you've been working on the car.

[ Chuckles ] I kind of miss the burlap.

I think I'll just go on upstairs, George,

and read for a little while.

You know, it only takes a chapter to put me to sleep.

You know, George, I really just came down

to let you know that there is no shame

in finishing second or worse.

Oh, yeah? Well, remember that

when I wave at you from the winner's circle!

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, nice tools.

"Recommended for ages to ."

Oh, that's really funny, Feldman. Really funny.

Why don't you save that hot air for that wind tunnel of yours?

Oh, yeah? Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, listen, if you want to keep bellowing at me, big fella,

come do it tomorrow at my victory celebration.

Oh, I'll be there! I'll be the one with the trophy in my hand!

Ah!

You're up awfully early.

Mm
-hmm.

Been down to check on your car?

Sort of.

You gonna eat those Corn Flakes,

or you just trying to confuse them?

Web, take a gander at this
-
-

airplane wax with space
-age polymers.

It's gonna make your car fly like the Concorde.

George, wait!

Don't worry. We have plenty of time.

I'm gonna use the electric buffer.

Go on, go on, eat.

Are you okay?

Uh
-huh.

"Uh
-uh" isn't a wealth of information.

You know, if you're having a problem with your father,

it's okay to tell him how you feel.

And that goes for me, too.

'Cause no matter what, we love you very much.

GEORGE: Webster Long, get out here!

Boy, George loves really loud, doesn't he?

Come on.

Why would you do this?

Y
-you put
-
- You put
-
- You put the headlights back on,

you changed the wheels, y
-you put this silly...

[ Horn honks ] ...horn on.

Why would you do this?!

Why would you do this to your car?!

Wasn't [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]my[/span]car, George. It wasn't even [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]our[/span]car.

You planned it, you built it. It's your car.

But you're gonna lose! You're gonna get creamed in this car!

I don't care! All I wanted to have was some fun.

Now you can... have your stupid race.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, hey, come here!

Hey, wait a minute! Come here!

I can't believe I said that, Katherine.

I can't believe I
-I yelled at that kid like that.

You know, Katherine,

sometimes being a father really throws me.

Well...

there hasn't been a perfect father since Ben Cartwright,

and he wasn't so great without Hop Sing.

What happened here?

Well, I think that you were

against this derby from the start

because you were afraid that Webster would react

to competition the way you do.

Yeah, I sure got caught up in it.

You know, I thought when I got through playing pro ball

that I could do things just for the fun of it,

but I guess I can't.

Honey, you can't just take off your competitive side

and put it in a locker.

I mean, it's part of you.

It helped make you a great athlete.

Yeah, that and miles of tape.

You know, I was doing all right

till I thought about Webster losing.

Well, honey, we're all human.

You know, I don't really care that much about tennis,

but every time that I play with Muffy St. Claire,

I have this compulsive urge

to drive the ball right into her nose job.

[ Knock on door ]

Mind if I come in?

Depends. Are you still mad at me?

No, I'm not mad at you.

Then how come you still have your mad face on?

This isn't my mad face.

This is my... "I goofed big" face.

I'm sorry I cut you out of building your car.

It's okay, George. Your car was pretty neat, too.

All it needed was some finishing touches.

That smoke effect you got
-
-

I would have never been able to think of that.

Yes, you would have, if you had enough time.

[ Chuckles ] Well, what do you say?

You want to
-
- You want to go to the race?

And listen, it's okay if
-
- if you want a hire another pit man.

Nah.

Where am I gonna find another cushion man as good as you?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, what do you say? Let's
-
- Let's rip out of here.

All right.

Oh, George, do we have any charcoal?

Why?

Well, I want to put some on my tires

so I look like I'm burning rubber.

Well, how about some ice cream for the most creative racer?

Mm
-hmm.

WEBSTER: Yeah.

Even though I didn't win the race,

I think I got the best trophy.

Ma'am, can we put it in our front window, please?

Um, yeah, for a week, and then we have to take it away.

It would make the neighbors jealous.

[ Sighs ]

Well, it was too bad that Danny didn't win.

His father was really mad.

Yeah, it's too bad.

Yeah, too bad.

Yeah, too bad.

[ All laugh ]

[ Theme song plays ]