04x02 - The Landlords

[bunniefuu]

Everything came out perfect.

Look at this shirt of yours, huh?

Smells good. No static cling.

It looks great.

This is your shirt, George, not mine.

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

$, for new circuit breakers?

Are you crazy?

$, is a bargain.

Of course, that includes parts and labor.

For that price, that s
-
- that should include a
-a vacation

in the Bahamas.

It does
-
- mine.

Yay!

Whoop!

George, you know what I just figured out?

Since we own the house now,

I can make as much noise as I want!

Keep it down. We didn't buy the whole block.

[ Squeals ]

KATHERINE: Hi! I'm home!

I had a wonderful day.

Darling, I don't think this was a good idea,

buying this place from Cass and Bill.

Gee.

Whenever I say, "I had a wonderful day,"

I expect whoever I'm married to to say,

"Tell me about it, my darling.

How was your new job?"

How was your new job?

It's wonderful, George!

Wait till you see my new office.

Oh! And do you know what two of the senior citizens did?

They made me a nameplate for my office
-
- on a Frisbee!

"Katherine Calder
-Young Papadapolis, counseling intern."

Of course, I, uh, I have to give it back tomorrow

for the tournament, but...

Meanwhile, would you like to hear

what's been going on at the ranch?

Oh, yes
-
- every happy detail.

The three little pigs built better houses than this.

Oh, you're just having buyer's remorse.

This is a wonderful old house.

Uh
-huh. You see? "Old." That's the key word.

Bill knew what he was doing when he unloaded this house on us.

Oh, how can you say that?

Bad, bad thing to say.

They were our friends, and I wish they
-
-

I wish they hadn't gone to Florida.

Me too.

That way, they'd be paying for this money pit instead of us.

If you guys want me,

I'll be downstairs, redecorating my new clubhouse.

[ Rattling ]

Clubhouse?

Oh, no, no, no.

See, we need to rent out the downstairs.

Why?

New word we learned.

"Mortgage."

But it would be a neat clubhouse.

What does it cost?

years' allowance.

I've got an idea.

No, no, no, no. No advances.

Sorry. Darn.

[ Laughs ]

MAN: Folks, uh, you got a minute to come down?

Oh, it's the plumber. This is urgent. Let's go.


- What's wrong?
- What's the difference?

For bucks an hour, it's urgent. Let's go.

Frank?

Can you tell us what's wrong in $ or less?

Hey. Sure. No problem.

You got a bad ball cock
-
- about bucks to replace.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Isn't that wonderful? At last, something cheap.

Yeah. Don't sweat it. Just pay me for the part.

Don't bother about the labor.

Oh, how nice.

I could kiss you.

Pass.

I belong to a union.

That's $.

I was gonna use this area

as an orphanage for homeless hamsters.

[ Chuckles ]

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Uh, listen, folks, I hate to be a downer,

but you got another problem.

Surprise.

Yeah. Well, the, uh, toilet doesn't drain.

Oh, we can live with that.

Unh
-unh. Unh
-unh.

I think it's roots in the pipes.

Oh, I don't care, Frank, if it's a petrified forest.

You got to fix it today. We're interviewing tenants.


- Oh, consider it done.
- Thank you.

Uh, Frank, you're gonna charge us just for the parts,

not the labor, right?

No. This is where I get you.

Take your time, Mr. Stevens. Look around.

Have a good snoop.

Darling, I say we take him.

I liked the tuba player.

Tuba player. Forget the tuba player.

I'm glad we all voted no

on that woman who thought she was Eleanor Roosevelt.

I kind of liked the dental hygienist
-
-

till she tried to floss me.

Well, I love it.

Uh, when can I move in?

Well, could we just kind of go over your application?

Oh, sure.

Now, you say here that you held the same position

for years. That's right.

I organized a vocational
-skills program

for disadvantaged men.

Oh.

I'm very impressed.

Well, thank you.

Yeah. I
-I really enjoyed it.

I was almost sorry when my parole came through.

You were in prison?

Oh, neat!

Well, it's no big deal.

Just did a stretch for arson. [ Chuckles ]

You know, I just love the wood in these old houses.

Do you mind if I smoke?

Okay. So you've been with the same company for years.

Yes, that's right.

But I'm gonna be going to school as well.

I'm studying to be a veterinarian.

Oh!

You won't be bringing any of your patients home, will you?

You got my word.

Okay.

Well, um...

could we just excuse ourselves to discuss the apartment?

I think it'll be fine.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Boop!

Oh, I see you've already met our son, Webster.

Webster, this is Arthur Lang, our new tenant.

New tenant?

Great!

Hi.

Hi, Webster. Nice to meet you.

Now, the rent's not gonna be a big problem, right?

Oh, no. No problem.

Say, Webster will help me out with the rent, won't you?

Sure!

How?

Uh...blow.

Blow!

[ Chuckles ]

Here.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he can juggle four!

Can he do it on one leg?

Yes! He can do it on one leg. Can he go behind his back?

Yes, he can
-
- Whoops!

He can't go behind his back.

That was neat!

Juggling or dropping my food all over the floor?

Both.

My, uh, furniture hasn't arrived yet, so pull up a suitcase.

Have a seat.

So, how's life treating you, Webster?

Not so good.

I spent my allowance on an emergency.

Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate. Mm.

Chocolate chip.

Hey.

What's in the trunk?

[ Horn honks ]

Are you a clown, too? [ Horn honks ]

You wouldn't believe I use that when I ride my

bicycle, would you?

No way.

Right.

Look, Webster, I got to ask you to do me a favor.

At least until your parents get to know me a little better,

this should be our little secret.

How come?

Well, believe it or not,

not all adults think that being a clown is respectable.

But everybody loves clowns.

Sure, they do.

But you never hear a mother tell her daughter,

"If you're lucky, you'll grow up to marry a clown."

Believe me, nobody wants to rent to a clown.

Okay, Arthur.

My lips are sealed.

Could you teach me some tricks?

Sure.

First, I'd better induct you

into the secret brotherhood of the clowns.

Wow. How do I do that?

Uh...

Here. Swear on this rubber nose.

Raise your right hand.

Do you, Webster Long, solemnly swear

to never do anything unless it's for a laugh?

Aah! [ Laughs ]

I do!

[ Chuckles ]

A tiny car... a custard pie,

a little seltzer in your eye.

I hereby christen thee... Popo!

Popo.

I like the sound of that.

MAN: Arthur!

WOMAN: Arthur, dear!

Hey, that's my parents.

[ Clattering ]

Hi, Arthur.

Nice place, sonny boy.

Mom!

[ Smooches ]

Dad.

W
-What happened? I thought you were at the hotel.

Well, we had a little problem with the reservations.

We don't have any.

We just have to stay here for a couple of days.

Okay. If you have to.

But please, no one else.

Oh! Mom, Dad, Webster Long.

Webster, these are my parents.

Hi. Hello.

Are you clowns, too?

Does Bozo have red hair?

Wow.

This secret's getting harder to keep.

MAN: Ouch!

[ Gasps ]

Talking luggage!

Mom, did you guys bring Uncle Willie?

Of course not, dear.

Cross our hearts.

Artie, baby!

What do ya spray? What do ya spray?

Huh?

[ Laughing ]

Uncle Charlie.

You see, dear? I told you it wasn't Uncle Willie.

Mom, he can't stay here!

You have got to get a place with an elevator, kiddo.

Well, at least there's no furniture.

When everybody gets here,

we'll have lots of room to rehearse tonight's show!

Boy, this secret's getting really, really hard to keep.

And I'll show you my new firecracker trick!

No! Uncle Charlie, please.

My lease will go up in smoke!

[ Sighs ] So I said to the director of the center,

"Look, I have to do something

to get these teens in the crisis center to relate to me."

So...

...what do you think?

You never cease to amaze me, darling.

Well, the clerk at Gucci's about fainted

when I asked him to do this.

That's great.

Sweetheart, I hate to be boring

and talk about business all the time,

but with the interest rates on this house alone,

it's gonna cost us over $ million.

Didn't the man at the bank tell you never to figure that out?

I know he did, darling, but I've never owed money before.

I know, George.

But, honey, you're gonna get used to it.

It's so...

It's so...American.

KATHERINE: Hi.

Hi, guys.

Nothing new.

Oh, good, good, good.

Well, how's our tenant?

Oh, I love the sound of that
-
- "tenant."

I love the sound of "paying tenant."

Uh, well, uh, Arthur's fine,

and, uh, he doesn't need you to check on him either.

[ Horns honking ]

What's that?

What?

[ Honking continues ]

That. That.

Uh, Arthur's got a duck call.

[ Thud ]

I think he sh*t one.

[ All coughing ]

Everything's under control.

That's just fake smoke.

T
-There's no fire.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

This is my family.

Snappy dressers.

These folks look like they need some cheering up!

What do you say?!

ALL: Yeah! [ Whistle blows ]

[ Kazoo playing ]

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Music continues ]

I guess the secret's out.

Yeah. And I might be, too.

[ Music continues ]

Okay! Out! Everybody out!

You too, Uncle Ben.

[ Grunts ]

[ Squeaks ]

It sure is nice meeting you, Mrs. Papadapolis.

[ Chuckles ] My pleasure.

[ Laughs ]

Does the phrase "go away" ring a bell?

Yes, it does.

Explanation time, o keeper of the clowns.

You see, when my family got to their hotel,

there was a problem, and they couldn't get in.

Maybe they were dropping body parts in the lobby.

So you're a clown?

All that stuff about being a veterinarian

was just a bunch of kitty litter.

No, not at all.

See, we're gonna be playing in the Chicago area,

and whenever we're in one place for a while,

I go to school and pick up some more credits.

I've got this dream

of opening my own veterinary practice one day.

That would be neat.

You can treat my ant farm. The queen has a broken antenna.

Arthur, you seem like an awfully nice man,

but I have to tell you that our plumbing

is just not ready for clowns.

Look, I could just use a couple of days,

until I can find them another place.

Well...

George, what do you think?

I
-I'd really appreciate it.

Okay. Two, three days, tops.

But...no honking and no firecrackers.

[ Monkey screeching ]

Two days.

GEORGE: I'm never gonna go to a circus again, darling.

Well, except for the dancing dog at dinner,

things are really pretty normal around here.

Ta
-da!

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages,

in center ring, Arthur and Popo!

That's me.

♪ Dum
-dada
-dum
-dum dum
-dum! ♪

[ Grunts ]

Ho!

Hey! Ta
-da!

You are center
-ring material.

Thanks.

I'm going over to Freddy's for dinner,

and I'll make him sneeze out some quarters.

Arthur, boy, having you is neater than a clubhouse.

Well, see you, everybody.

Let's shake.

[ Laughs ]

All right.

I just love that guy!

[ Door closes ]

This is awkward.

I, uh...

I need to ask you another favor.

[ Laughs ]

I can't take you seriously wearing that nose.

Oh.

Right.

See, our job fell through here in Chicago.

I'd like to break the lease.

Really?

Really?

See, we can join a small touring circus

if we leave in a couple of hours.

But I thought that you wanted to be a veterinarian.

Well, I do.

Those plans are on hold again.

I guess that's life on the road.

Besides, I
-I just couldn't leave the troupe.

Why?

Well, they depend on me.

See, the Langs have been clowns for more than seven generations,

and frankly, I...

I couldn't disappoint my parents.

Arthur, I grew up in a family where...women did not work,

and they were expected to marry wealthy men

with names like "So
-and
-So the Third."

And then they were expected to make babies

and plan dinner parties.

But I had to do what I needed to do for me.

Yes. I know you're right.

I'm gonna do that one day.

Right now, I'm the only one in the troupe

who's willing to be the human cannonball.

[ Chuckles ]

Look, can you help me out with the lease?

Absolutely. Good luck, Arthur.

Thanks, George. Katherine, I appreciate it.

[ Sighs ] How do I tell Webster?

That was great.

Freddy thinks I'm a genius.

[ Exhales sharply ]

He's right!

Popo?

"Dear Popo, I know clowns are always supposed to be happy..."

ARTHUR: "...but when it comes to saying goodbye

"to a really close friend like you,

"well, that would make me sad.

"So I'll just say it in this note.

"Although I'll be traveling all over,

"one day, we'll meet under the big top.

"Until then, Popo, keep your face filled with smiles

and your nose filled with quarters."

"Love, Arthur."

Arthur?

Could have said goodbye to me in person.

I thought we were buddies.

ARTHUR: Bend your knees.

You're back!

You bet. For good?

For good.

All right! All right!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, it [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]is[/span]Arthur! I thought I heard your voice.

I thought you were headed for California.

I followed my heart... and it brought me back here.

I finally told my family that I really want to be a vet.

I don't know how to thank you enough.

I
-
- Oh!

[ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]

I brought you something.

I want you to have this. It's
-
-

This is the hat that Caruso wore when he sang "Pagliacci."

Oh. Oh.

Arthur, that's wonderful. Thank you.

Oh, Katherine, it's more than wonderful.

Caruso signed it.

Oh.

So...I'm back, if I could still have the apartment.

Sure, you can.

You alone?

I brought a friend.

Look, Webster.

I found her by the road.

She's my first patient.

Oh, neat!

But aren't you gonna miss being a clown?

Not a bit.

I got rent to pay. I've got tuition.

So you're looking at Chicago's newest street clown.

Ta
-da!

All right! [ Laughs ]

Uh, maybe we should practice that walk.

You bet.

Bend your knees.

That's it!

[ Theme song plays ]