03x22 - Farewell to Arms

[bunniefuu]

[mischievous music] [George snoring]

[audience laughs]


- So I guess you finished cleaning your room up, huh?

[audience laughs]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

[lighthearted music]


- Married, single, divorced, separated.

Single.

[audience laughs]

Where are you presently working?

Living room.

[audience laughs]


- Hi, everybody.

Could I borrow your kitchen for a while?


- Absolutely. Just bring it back before breakfast.

[audience laughs]


- What's going on?


- Nothing's going on, but something's coming off!

About pounds.

[audience laughs]


- What's in the bag?


- Just a few of the foods Bill won't be eating anymore.

Potato chips, donuts
-


- Cookies, cupcakes, cream puffs, cheese balls.


- Why clutter up the kitchen?

You can put that stuff in my room.

[audience laughs]


- We're storing them, not sharing them.


- See, I have this foolproof plan.

If we store this junk food up here,

Bill won't be tempted anymore.


- Well, if you don't want 'em to be tempted,

why don't you just throw it all out?


- No!
- No!

[audience laughs]

No, I mean, there are millions of starving people

that have never had a cheese ball.

[audience laughs]


- I'm so proud of you, darling.

This is the longest you've ever stayed on a diet.

Must be minutes now.

[audience laughs]


- Hang in there, tiger.


- On your diet, are you allowed to eat strawberry sundaes

with whipped cream?

[audience laughs]


- Well, lemme check my list.

I have it right here.

Are you sure?


- Oh, come on, Bill!

How about a little nice raw cauliflower

with sprouts and wheatgrass?

I'll even put it in a ice cream dish for you.

[audience laughs]


- I'd rather mow the lawn orally.

[audience laughs]


- Hi!

Oh, hi!


- Hi. Hi.
- Hi!


- George, am I now or have I ever been

a member of the Communist Party?

[audience laughs]

[George chuckles]


- I really don't know. [chuckles]


- I'll put down no.

[audience laughs]

Okay.

Sign right here.


- What is it?
- Enlistment papers.

I'm joining the Marines.

[audience laughs]


- Isn't that funny?

I thought you said you were joining the Marines.


- That's exactly what I said, but I gotta hurry

because they're only looking for a few good men.

[audience laughs]


- Aren't you little young?


- Yeah, you're right.

I'll just probably have to settle for,

I don't know, a BB g*n.


- I could have sworn that you said you wanted a BB g*n.


- I did!

I didn't really wanna join the Marines,

but I do want a BB g*n.

[audience laughs]


- Watch my lips here.

No.

[audience laughs]


- But Andy, my friend, his older brother has one!


- If Andy's older brother jumped off a cliff,

would you jump off a cliff, huh?

I sound just like my father.

[audience laughs]


- Well, not exactly, honey.

It does sound different without the Greek accent.

[audience laughs]


- I'll pay for it out of my own allowance.


- No.


- Why?


- 'Cause I said so, that's why.

I did it again.

[audience laughs]


- Honey, what your father and his father are trying to say

is that a BB g*n can accidentally hurt someone.


- I'll be careful, I promise.


- What happened to the promise to help with the dishes,

help to clean up your room, help to take out the trash,

what happened to those promises?


- I didn't break those promises,

I just haven't got around for me yet.


- A BB g*n is a big responsibility.

I tell you what, I'll make you a deal.

If you help around the house without having to be reminded,

we'll discuss it.


- Yay. I can do that.

Thanks, Ma'am. Thanks, George.

You know what?

I'm gonna start right now.


- Hey, wait a minute.

Come here.

[audience laughs]


- Well, I think I handled that pretty well.


- You handled that pretty well?

He thinks he's getting a BB g*n.


- No, wrong.

He thinks he's getting a g*n if he lives up

to his end of the bargain.

Don't worry, George, we will not be buying a g*n.


- Well, call me old fashioned Katherine,

but couldn't we just have said no?


- No, my child psychology professor said

that a flat definitive no is not good for a child

'cause it cuts them out of the decision making process.


- So?


- Well, so it's a good exercise in decision making.

Besides, I don't think parents should make no an absolute.


- Where were you when I was nine years old

and wanted a monkey?

[audience laughs]


- The point is that your father said no

and you've never gotten over it.


- Well, I'm gonna tell you something, darling,

he's gonna do the same thing I did with my father.

He's gonna bug us and bug us and bug us.


- George, when you were a kid,

wasn't there any one thing you wanted more

than anything else in the world?

And then when you got it, you didn't want it anymore.


- Diane Burke.

[audience laughs]


- Well, I think that Webster just has a passing fancy.


- What if it isn't a passing fancy, darling,

what if today is a BB g*n and tomorrow is a bazooka?

[audience laughs]


- George, come on.

You're carrying this thing a little too far.


- Darling, read this and weep.

Omaha, Nebraska, year old Floyd Zetweiler

accidentally m*rder*d his sleeping parents with a shovel.

[audience laughs]


- Fine. We won't get him a shovel!

[audience laughs]

[playful music]


- Hi!

Oh, look at this!

You have washed and dried the breakfast dishes.


- Yes. And put them away.

So maybe there's something, I don't know,

you'd like to give me?

[audience laughs]


- Absolutely!

A compliment!

You are doing very well.


- Thanks.


- Oh, my favorite.

Bread and butter.

[audience laughs]


- Yes. And did you check my room?

I put away my clothes and my toys and I made my bed.


- Your hospital coroners would put any nurse to shame.


- Now I'm filing your coupons.


- Oh, that's very thoughtful.


- See, you had 'em all mixed up.

You had the detergent mixed up with the chocolate pudding.

So I fixed them.

I'm filing them by color.

[audience laughs]


- You know, if this is a result

of our little discussion about responsibility,

you are doing extremely well.


- Yeah, I don't see how I can be any more responsibler.

[audience laughs]


- Responsibility is an ongoing thing, you know?

It's not just two, three days.

But if you keep up the good work, maybe,

and that's a big maybe, that BB g*n could be yours.


- Yay!
- But!

You're gonna have to take lessons

to learn how to handle a g*n.

You know, when I was ,

my father taught me how to sh**t skeet.


- Are those the little furry things to eat slugs?

[audience laughs]


- I'm not exactly sure what they are.

I know you shout, "Pull!"

and out comes some something that looks like

a giant breath mint.

[audience laughs]


- Give me a chance, Ma'am.

I can sh**t a breath mint!


- But you see, you have to earn that.

You have to learn, if you're gonna own a g*n, if,

you're gonna have to learn how to take care of it.

How and when to use it, how to clean it, where to store it.


- And I thought cowboys just hung 'em up at night.


- You know, I could have sworn that somewhere in here.

I had coupons for frozen broccoli.


- I tossed them.

I thought the chocolate pudding was a much better buy.

[audience laughs]

[playful music]


- Boy, that really hit the spot.

You know, this was a pretty rough day.


- No kidding.

I was completely pooped after long division.

I couldn't believe it when Ms. Toski

started in our fractions!


- I don't know about you,

but every couple of hours my brain needs recess.


- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't sit there, I just made the bed.

And try not to get any crumbs on the floor.

I just vacuum cleaned it.


- How come you have to do all this stuff?


- Well, Ma'am said, if I can show her that I'm responsible

she'd let me have a BB g*n.


- Lucky!

My brother's got a BB g*n,

but he won't let me anywhere near it.


- Hi, Bill.
- Hi.


- You want anything?


- Yeah, I mean, yeah, I think it's high time

we got this darn table leg fixed.


- What's wrong with it?


- Well, don't you remember,

you told me the table was wobbly?


- I did?


- Well, somebody did and I...

We better get it fixed before somebody gets hurt.


- Maybe when my brother Mike gets married,

he'll let me have his BB g*n.


- [Webster] You think that'll happen anytime soon?


- I doubt it.

Who'd marry Mike?


- Bill, if you're looking for the milk,

it's a little to your left.

[audience laughs]

[calm music]


- Oh, hey, Web!


- Hi, Mike and Andy, what are you doing here?


- We're on a secret mission.


- Hey, just gimme the two bucks, will ya?

Okay.

Here are the BBs.

You remember how to load it, don't you?


- Sure I do. I was there when dad taught you that.


- Now I want it back in my room by sundown.

If not, check your cereal for crickets.


- Thanks, Mike.

You're everything a guy could want and a big brother.


- And will you please be careful?

If anybody gets hurt, I get in trouble.


- Well, what do you think?


- I think you just wasted $.


- Why? This is the chance to learn how to sh**t a BB g*n!

You told me your folks said

that you were going to have to learn.


- I kind of got the idea that they wanted to teach me.


- This will save them all that trouble.


- Well, maybe it would make it a little easier

if I go ahead and pick up a few pointers.


- Sure, I'll show you how to work it.


- Okay.


- What gonna sh**t?


- Oh, I have some empty cans in here.

Let's see.

[audience laughs]

There.

Spinach and asparagus.


- Let's sh**t the spinach first.

I hate spinach.


- I'll go set 'em up.


- Just pumped this thing and pull the trigger.

[audience chuckling faintly]


- Now, you have to get behind me.

You should never stand in front of a g*n, no matter what.

We're gonna have to be very, very careful.


- Go ahead.

Put that spinach can out of its misery.

[audience laughs]

[g*n loading]

[g*n fires] [can clanging]

Awesome!

Can I try?


- Sure. I think that one's got your name on it.

[audience chuckles]

[audience laughs]

[g*n fires]


- My mistake.

I think it says Webster.

[audience laughs]

So, you're the asparagus that sh*t my dog.

[audience laughs]

[g*n fires] [can clanging]


- Well, I would've hit if it wasn't for the wind!


- There isn't any wind.


- I knew I was counting on it though.

[audience laughs]


- Two out of two isn't bad.


- You're a natural!

[audience laughs]

Hey, bet you can't hit that leaf up there.

The one on the crooked branch.


- Bet you I can.

[g*n loading]

[g*n fires]

I missed.


- Well, you hit something?

You sh*t a bird!


- I couldn't have!

I was aiming for that leaf up there.


- Maybe it just tripped and fell.

[audience laughs]


- Yes, please be okay. Please fly away.

Please, please, please, please.

How bad is he?


- About as bad as he can get.

He's dead.

[g*ns clangs on the floor]

[somber music]


- I k*lled him.

[somber music]

[gentle music]

Every time I don't listen to Ma'am and George,

I end up getting into trouble.


- You didn't do it on purpose.


- It doesn't matter. It's not gonna bring him back.


- Maybe we shouldn't tell anybody.


- Yeah.

If Ma'am and George every find out,

they'd never trust me again.

I'm going to have to be perfect for the rest of my life

just to make up for today.


- Aren't you supposed to say a prayer

or something at a funeral?


- I know what to say over a dead bird.

Why don't you start?


- Me? I didn't even know him!

You're the one who sh*t him!

[audience laughs]

Sorry.


- You're right.

Mr. Bird, I didn't know you

but I'm sure you were really nice.

Oh, please forgive me!

I'll never do it again!


- Amen. Come on, Web.


- Please, I'll never hurt anything again.

I'm sorry. Amen.

[faint chirping]


- Were those birds here before?

[faint chirping]


- Must be family.

[audience laughs]

[gentle music]


- Well, I really want to thank you

for washing my car this afternoon.

It was very nice.


- Mm
-hmm!


- You're welcome.


- And putting all the spices in alphabetical order?

It's really gonna come in handy.

Someday. For someone.

[audience laughs]


- And you know what else?

That shower grout, top of the line.

Never looked better


- Well, Bill did it, but I helped.


- Bill was up here again?

My goodness, he's turning into the perfect landlord.


- It's about time.

[George chuckles]


- And after he did it, he had a half box of peanut brittle.

[audience laughs]


- Maybe if he stays on this diet long enough,

we can have him redo the kitchen.

[audience laughs]


- May I be excused?


- No dessert?


- We're having cherry pie a la mode.


- No thanks.

I have to do my homework and
-


- Honey, it's okay.

I didn't make it.


- See, I have to do my homework and then I'll go to bed.


- Are you crazy?

"Captain Satellite" is on tonight.


- I know.
- You know?

He's gonna have the Three Stooges on!


- Well, see, I have to get up early enough

so I can wash the morning dishes, and then I go to school.

Good night, Ma'am.


- I am very impressed

with the way you've been helping out around here.


- I'm just trying to be perfect.


- Well, you're getting there little by little every day.

[Katherine sighs]

You know, he really has kept up

his end of the bargain, George.

I think we're gonna have to get him that BB g*n.


- Oh, boy, well, we're gonna have to

really lay down some rules.

Now, number one, when he isn't using that BB g*n,

that BB g*n is gonna be in our closet locked up.


- Absolutely!

He can only use it when one of us is with him.


- And number two, he can only use it for target practice

on some f*ring range.


- Agreed.
- And number three, darling,

which is very important,

we're not gonna get him that shovel.

[audience laughs]


- Did you feel that?


- What?
- The tremor!


- Well, come on, Bill.

Chicago isn't exactly the capital of earthquake country.


- That is what they'd like us to believe!

I better check this house for structural damage,

just in case!

I can see you're busy out here,

so I'll just go in the living room.

Oh, there this again! Look at that!

[playful music]


- George!
- Katherine!

Where've you been? I've been getting worried here.

Web and I already ate.


- I had no idea how complicated

this whole thing was going to be.

I mean, it wasn't that difficult to buy the g*n,

but the place to sh**t is miles out of town.


- miles? Isn't there anything closer?


- No.

As a matter of fact, it's against the law of fire a g*n

in the city limits.

Anyway, at the sh**ting range I found,

there's a retired police officer who's gonna show Webster

everything he needs to know next weekend.


- Then I guess it's settled, we're gonna give him the g*n.


- Oh, yes, honey. I think we have to.

Web!

Can you come down for a minute?


- Okay, darling.

But we're gonna have to make it very clear about the rules.


- Oh, I can't wait to see his little face

when he opens this.


- Hi, guys.
- Hi.


- Did you get any more jobs for me to do?


- No, we want to talk to you


- Webster, do you remember that little chat we had

about the BB g*n and responsibility?


- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And how your father and I didn't think

that you were ready for it, but that you thought you were.


- I didn't mean it, honest!


- Sure you did!

And you have done it, you have earned this.

[Webster screams]

[audience laughs]

That is not the reaction I expected.

[gentle music]


- Did he say anything before he d*ed?

[audience laughs]

Web, where were you aiming?


- That leaf up in that crooked branch.

I didn't mean to, but it just happened.

I feel so bad, Ma'am.


- Oh, honey, I know you do.


- k*lling that bird was the worst thing I ever did

in my whole life.


- Well, that should tell both of us

that you're not ready for a BB g*n.


- Don't worry. I'm in no hurry.


- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, I don't like the looks of this.


- Oh.


- It's even worse than I thought.

I k*lled a mother bird.


- Well, maybe there's something you can do.


- What? I'll do anything.


- Well, even though those shells are very, very cold,

maybe we can help those babies.


- You remember in your school project

when you hatch those duck eggs in the incubator?


- Yeah!


- Well, if we kept them warm,

maybe you could take them to school on Monday.


- Do I have to sit on them all weekend?

[audience laughs]


- No, I think a heating pad would be better, don't you?


- Yeah.

Thanks, Ma'am. Thanks George.

I feel better already.

[gentle music]


- Has Bill finished painting the kitchen yet?


- I doubt it, there's still two bags of potato chips left.

[audience laughs]


- I know Bill has been sneaking up here to snack.


- But I thought you wanted him to stop eating between meals?


- Stop William 'The Refrigerator'

Parker from eating?

Get serious.


- Well then why did you bring up

all your junk food to our kitchen?

I've put on five pounds.


- Well, look at all the exercise he's been getting,

running up and down the stairs, up and down the ladder.

You should try it.

[audience laughs]

I'll go hug what's left of him.

[audience laughs]


- Cigars for everyone!

My eggs hatched and I'm a daddy!


- Hooray, congratulations!
- Hey, congratulations!


- Silly dance!

[audience laughs]

See, I took pictures of them, I fed 'em,

I picked 'em up.

You know, Andy's older brother is right

about all the different things you can do with chicks!

[audience laughs]


- I'm gonna have to call that boy's mother.

[audience laughs]


- Anyway. I named 'em Ma'am, George, and Webster.


- Oh!
- Oh, isn't that nice?

[audience laughs] [playful music]


- Webster...
- Will be back...


- In a moment.

[Webster giggles]

[gentle music]


- See, Bill? A nice green salad full of fresh vegetables.

What more could you ask for?


- Dinner.

[audience laughs]
- Come on, Bill!

It's healthy, it's all natural, and tastes great!


- Less filling.


- It tastes great!


- Less filling.
- It tastes great!


- Hi, guys.


- Hi.


- George, Katherine, I know this is supposed to be fresh,

but I think one of my anchovies just moved.

[audience chuckles]
- You kidder, you.


- Ma'am, George, I have to feed the baby birds now.

Where's my jar of worms?

[audience laughs] [playful music]

[cheerful music]

[triumphant music]