03x17 - TV or Not TV

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, so far so good.

Now let's go

with the geographical names.

Spell Oregon.


- Oregon.

O R E

G O N.

Oregon.


- Ma'am, I know all this stuff.


- Okay. Spell Mississippi.


- The river or the state?

[audience laughs]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Have no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I want to ♪

♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never grown up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh hoo hoo ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪ ♪ You made me leap ♪

♪ Without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh hoo hoo ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪ ♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And Then came you ♪

[intro music]


- How many hockey tickets do you want Ma'am?


- Oh, did I want hockey tickets?


- They're only a quarter, and the money goes to charity.


- Oh Okay, I'll take one.


- Only one? Rob's mother bought three.


- Okay,

I'll take a dollar's worth.

[audience laughs]


- Thanks, I'll go get your tickets.


- Catherine. Is this guy really afraid of Italian food?

Sweetheart. Is he really worried

he'll be strangled by a piece of crazed linguine?

[audience laughs]


- It's called pastaphobia.

George, you shouldn't be looking at that.

That's a confidential file on one of my patients.

Naughty!

[audience laughs]


- One of your patients. I thought you were a student.


- I am. It's part of the Masters Program.

When they think that you're ready,

they give you a few clinic patients to counsel.

Obviously, they think I'm ready.


- Ooh, that's very nice. Congratulations darling.


- Thank you. Of course, none of the patients

are what you would call seriously ill. More like, Mm

extremely bothered. Do you know what they say?

There are no small psychoses. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]


- Hi George.

[phone rings]


- Hey.


- Here's your four tickets ma'am. That'll be one dollar.


- Hello.

Oh yeah. Hang on.

It's for you, George.


- Excuse me.

Hello.


- My purse is in the kitchen,

along with a lot of groceries.

Get my meaning? Hint
-hint, hint
-hint.

[indistinct]

[audience laughs]

[groceries bang on table]

[hands clap]


- Well, I want you guys to listen up and weep.

You know who that was on the phone?

That was my secretary, Mugsy, and you know what she told me?

That the sports department

just hired, get this, Lonnie Anderson.


- Wow! [audience laughs]

Oh, well it's about time they had a woman

in the department. Wonder what Bird'll say?

[audience laughs]


- Ma'am, not the actress, the quarterback.


- Well, for your information,

"Mrs I don't know anything about sports",

they probably hired Lonnie to,

replace me.


- Oh George.

Mugs actually told you

they hired this person to replace you?


- Well, not really, but he's starting off

with the : a.m. sports news.


- Well, so what? That's twelve hours

after you've said all the news.

Oh, I think you're making too much of this.


- Making too much of it? Come on, Catherine.

How am I gonna compete with a year old hunk

with perfect hair?

[audience laughs]


- He's right, ma'am. His hair is neat.

It never moves.

[audience laughs]


- Wait a minute, you guys.

Hair is no substitute for experience,

and vice
-versa.

[audience laughs]


- How would you think my hair would look

if I just combed it straight back?


- Scary.

[audience laughs]


- I gotta do something to perk up my programs.


- Hey, what about our hockey team?

We're perky.


- Well
-


- And it will be great, and if more people

knew about us, we'd sell more tickets

and make more money for charity.


- You know, it isn't a bad idea.


- Well, maybe I could sell it as

a human interest story or something.

I'll give it a try.


- Thanks George.

And speaking of hockey.


- Mm
-hmm


- You still owe me a dollar, ma'am.

Remember. No buck, no puck.


- Hmm.

Put away the duck. [chuckles]


- [laughs]

[music outro]


- George.

Oh George, [chuckles]

I just met some of my new patients.

Oh, I mean society has just written them off.

You know, they've just been cast aside

like an old shoe,

but I'm not gonna do that, George,

and you know why?

Because I really believe

that I can reach these people.

Psychology has really become my calling.


- Hey guys.

Nearly looks like a snowman melted.

[audience laughs]

[phone rings]


- Now, hold it you guys.

I think this might be for me.

Hello.

This is Catherine Calder
-Young Papadopoulis,

and,

whatever you need, I just want you

to relax and know that I am here for you.

[audience laughs]

It's your boss.

[audience laughs]


- George's boss is one of your patients?

[audience laughs]


- No.


- Here goes the old Heave Ho.


- Well, it's gonna be if you don't talk to him.


- Hello Frank.

Oh, oh that's great, Frank.

Yeah. Well, thank you very much.

I'll see you early in the morning.


- Didn't sound like a heave or a ho.

[audience laughs]


- He liked the idea of the pee wee hockey game.

He wants me to go down this week

and cover your game.


- All right!

High five, silly dance.

[audience laughs and claps] [outro music]

[phone rings]


- Hello.

Who's calling?

Walter Cronkite, hello. [laughs]

Mr Lovech, I recognize your voice?

No, no
-no. I don't mind listening to the news.

But, if you want me to do it

at your regular session tomorrow,

you could do more of a in
-depth minutes

type approach.

[audience laughs]

Okay, I'll see you then. Bye.


- Hurry up, ma'am.

George's show is coming on.


- Oh.


- I can't believe this.

We're gonna be famous.


- Yeah. I've never been on TV before,

unless you count the camera

down at the Seven
-Eleven.


- That counts.


- Here comes George.


- The Chicago area is benefiting from

the hard work and hard play of some

pee wee hockey players.

Let's take a look.


- Hey Webster, there you are.


- And there you are.

Well, this is great.


- Oh.

You, look at the two of you.

But I don't recognize those two boys at the end.


- No, that's only one boy ma'am. Billy Touts.

He's our goalie.

[audience laughs]


- Yeah, we call him the refrigerator.


- Those kids from the Urban Street School

play all of their games at the mid
-town rink.

Admission is only cents and

the money goes to the Children's Hospital.

Every quarter is tax deductible.

I think it's a pretty good idea.

Kids playing in the hopes that

other kids will someday be able to join them.

I'm George Papadopoulis saying,

you don't have to play sports to be a sport.

Goodnight everybody.


- I can't stand it.

[audience laughs]


- We were on TV.

[audience laughs]


- How come you guys were sitting on the ice

so much?


- Ma'am, you know those were mistakes.

But, we've improved a lot.


- Yes, you have improved a great deal, and

I'm very proud of you, and it's a good cause too.


- Thanks to your dad,

there's gonna be so many people at all our games.

We'll probably have to play in stadium.


- Wow, you know, I've never fallen down

in front of that many people before.

[audience laughs]


- How many more tickets do you think we'll need?


- Hundreds. Maybe even millions.


- You know, George is very popular.

[audience laughs]


- I wouldn't mind being a celebrity.

I think I'll tell my mom I don't wanna be

a brain surgeon anymore.

[audience laughs]


- You didn't tell me you wanted to be a brain surgeon.


- Well, I think I'd be pretty good at it.

Because I can look at stuff that's really gross

and not get sick or anything.

[audience laughs]


- Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the way

Bobby Charles takes everything on his lunch tray

and mushes it together?


- Yeah, but brains aren't as gross as that.

[audience laughs]


- You know what the best part of tonight is?


- What?


- I gave George the idea.

He's always doing nice stuff for me,

and it's really neat to help him.


- Yeah, it always feels good to help somebody.

In fact, if you really wanna feel good,
-


- Forget it, Rob.

I am not doing your math homework.

[audience laughs]

[outro music]

[typewriter keys sounding]


- Catherine, get a load of this.

Frank loved the show.


- Great.


- He wants me to do a weekly kids sports show.

What if the Bears call me and want me to go down

for an interview and I'm out doing some

tiddly wink kids game? Huh?

I'm telling you darling,

my career is down the sewer.


- Oh, George, you're making a mountain

out of a mole hill.


- Really?

Then why am I hyperventilating like this?


- You're having a classic anxiety att*ck.


- Can you help me?


- Not yet. We don't take that till next semester.

[audience laughs]


- Can you stay with me for a minute?


- Yes.


- I'm telling you darling,

I've been having the worst day of my whole life.

I wish I never would of heard of Webster's stupid

hockey team.

[audience sighs]


- I'm sorry George.

I was only trying to help you,

and raise money for charity.

But don't worry, I'll never mention

my hockey team again.

I'll never mention anything again.


- Oh, dear.

[outro music]

And he's just sad his feelings were hurt.

You know, studying psychology George,

has taught me a lot about communicating

with children.

You have to be firm, direct and rational.

And if that doesn't work, try fudge.

[audience laughs]


- Go on.
- Good idea.


- Give him a lick.

[knocking on the door]

Mr Lyle. What are you doing
-


- Dr Papadopoulis, I'm so glad you're home.


- No, no, no, no. It's not doctor, it's missus,


- and this is highly unusual.
- Well, I had to talk to you.

I'm about to float off the planet.


- Oh well, come in, come in.

Oh yes of course, I forgot.

You are immune to gravity.

[audience laughs]

Just explain one thing.

How did you make it all the way
-

Yes, sit down,

over from your house to my house

without floating away?


- Short leaps.

From parking meter to parking meter.

Tree to tree.

[audience laughs]

Oh, my uh
-


- Dr Papadopoulis, could you
-


- Oh please.


- Thank you.


- You're welcome.


- [whistling]


- Well he still won't talk to me.


- Oh, hear.


- Was he here when I left Darling.


- No, this is Mr Lyle. He's a very nice man
-


- Hello Mr Lyle.


- How do you do?


- But he just doesn't believe gravity

has any hold on him.


- Would you hold him down?
- Where would I hold him
-


- Going up.


- Ooh.


- Thank you.

You can call me Mr Lyle.


- Okay. What are you doing here?


- Well Dr P gave a few of the regulars her home

phone number and we're gonna be
-


- Mr Lyle.

I don't feel comfortable

discussing this further until I check with

my supervisor.

I
-

I'm going to take you home in my car.


- But what if I float away? [audience laughs]


- Ooh, If you hold onto my turkey, just like that.

Hug it and you'll be just fine.

George, I'll explain, but you see,

someone has to lay that first girder

on the bridge of trust.


- You don't have a convertible, do you?


- Oh, no. Come here.

[audience laughs]


- Bye


- Is that fudge I smell?

Oh, it's you.


- Hi champ.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

I really am.

Listen, I think the kids show is a great idea.

It's just that it isn't for me.


- But, why not?


- I'm too old for that. You need someone younger.


- You mean someone like Lonnie Anderson?


- Younger. Like a kid. You know what I mean?


- Like a, like you. Yeah, like you.


- Me?


- Yes, you.


- On television?


- Absolutely.


- Hey.

[audience laughs]

[music outro]


- Well, that's it for tonight's edition

of Junior Jocks. I'm George Papadopoulis saying,

you don't have to play sports

to be a good sport.

Goodnight everybody. [chuckles]


- Okay, cut it, that's a wrap.

Good show, George.


- Thanks.


- Oh George, I got your memo here,

about putting your son on as host

of Junior Jocks.

I'm very disappointed in you George.

This is out and out, nepotism.


- Goodnight George.


- Goodnight.
- Now, don't get me wrong.

I love your basic idea. [chuckles]

I don't think we can just hand the show over to your son.

You bring in a couple of boys who you think

could do the job, and I'll choose.


- Oh, okay. Fine.


- You know, there is a down side to this, George.


- Which is?


- Well, this kid, whoever he is,

is gonna push you out of your spot on Junior Jocks.


- Oh, well that's just a sacrifice I'll have to make.

[audience laughs]

[outro music]


- No, Mrs O'Riordan.

I promise you, you are not going

to turn into a Persian cat.

Well, it just sounds like an ordinary cough.

A fur ball sounds more like a [coughs]

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

[audience laughs]


- Darling, what was that disgusting noise I just heard?

[audience laughs]


- Me, talking to one of my patients.

Kitty O'Riordan

These people are driving me nuts.

[audience laughs]

I never realized how bothered they are, you know,

and I thought, by now I'd see a difference.

But no, nothing, nada, zippo.


- Oh sweetheart. Kitty didn't turn

into a Persian cat overnight.

That's the reason you shouldn't have given out

your home phone number.


- I know.

I just hoped that I'd be able

to make a difference.

I think I took on patients

too soon, before I was ready.


- I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

[audience laughs]


- Well, I'm gonna warm the car up.


- Okay.

Well, what do you think, ma'am?

I'm trying out for a sports show and I wanna look sporty.

[audience laughs]


- Yeah well, you got sports written all over you.

Good, 'cause I really want that job.


- Hi everybody.


- Hi.


- Rob, why are you dressed up like such a doofus?

[audience laughs]


- I'm going for the traditional look.


- Webster, I don't think Rob looks at all doofussy.

I mean he even has a station logo on his blazer?


- Yeah, my mom made it for me.

[phone rings]


- Oh my, well I wish both of you a lot of luck.

May the best kid win.


- Hello.

Ma'am. There's someone meowing into the telephone.

[audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]


- George always forgets his keys.

[shouts in fright]

Oh no, Mr Lyle.

You promised you wouldn't pop in on me again.

[audience laughs]


- Is it true what Kitty O'Riordan

told me, you're quitting?


- Uh.

No.

Um.

Oh, yes.

No, I'm not quitting.

I'm just removing myself from case work

until I have a little more experience.


- But why? You know we need you.


- Oh, you need someone, but I don't think

that someone is me.

I just don't think I've been very effective.


- Oh, but you have been.

Now, let go of my head.


- Is that wise?


- Tada!

[audience laughs and applauds]


- Oh, Mr Lyle. You're not floating.


- You did it, Dr P.

And do you know why?


- No.


- Because you're the only one who cared enough

to give us her home phone number.


- The only one?

You've had other therapists?


- Nine

[audience laughs]


- Oh.


- Guess I wore 'em out.

[audience laughs]


- Oh, Mr Lyle.

I would be very happy

to work with you,

but I think that I would be more comfortable

if we just met at the clinic, okay.

No more house calls.
- Great

No more. Thanks a lot.


- Okay.


- Do you mind if I sit on your couch for just a minute?


- No, why?


- These leg weights are k*lling me.

I gotta get 'em off.

[audience laughs]


- Mr Lyle,now. You just said
-


- Well, I said you helped me.

I didn't say you cured me. [chuckles] Yet.

[audience laughs]


- But if you take those off, how are you going to
-


- Parking meter to parking meter.


- Tree to tree.
- Tree to tree.

[music outro]


- So, today we choose a new host for Junior Jocks.

Feeling a little misty eyed, George?


- Oh, I'll just have to suffer through it.

[audience laughs]


- Really? Maybe we can work out some

kind of a co
-anchor situation.


- Ready here?


- Good luck Webster.


- Thanks.


- And in





.

[audience laughs]

No, I mean, you're on.


- Oh, oh okay.

My name is Webster Long and the game was

between the East Side Black Hawks

and the Clement Elementary School Fires.

It was pretty exciting out there.

Stuart Baker got hit on the nose

with a hockey puck and that was kinda gross,

but nobody else got hurt.

[audience laughs]


- We raised dollars for the Children's Hospital.

The final score was
-.

I am Webster Long saying,

you don't have to play sports

to be a good sport.


- Cut it.


- How did I do, George?

Break a leg, Rob.


- Thanks.


- Ready here?










- Good morning.

Well, there was blood on the ice last night

as the feisty Black Hawks skated

past Clements Elementary
-.

Two icy penalties against Clements

may have cost them the game

as the Black Hawks capitalized

in the resulting face
-offs.

Once again, that score is Black Hawks six, Clements four.

I'm Rob Whittaker, for Junior Jocks.


- Cut it.


- That was real good, Rob.


- Thanks.


- No, I mean, really.

It was real good.

I should have worn a suit, huh?


- May I see you over here a minute, George?


- If I ever have to lose, I'm glad it'll be to you.


- I don't know, George.

They're both pretty strong.

I think we need a third candidate.

For perspective. Oh, Niel.


- Yes, daddy.

[audience laughs]


- I thought I'd give my boy a sh*t at it while we're here.

[audience laughs]


- Niel, the nerd?


- He never even played hockey.


- He never even played any sport.

[audience laughs]


- I know. Does whining count as a sport?

[audience laughs]


-








- Do I have to?

[audience laughs]


- Come on Niel. Tape is rolling.


- There was a hockey game last night.

It was played on some ice.

I forgot the names of the two teams that played.

The end.


- Cut it.


- Well, I think we found our boy.

[audience laughs]


- Come Niel. Let's go home and tell mother the good news.


- Do I have to do this daddy?


- Home.


- Niel
- Niel

[audience laughs]

[outro music]


- Niel, the nerd.

[audience laughs]


- Yeah, can you believe it?


- George got the job, but he didn't want it.

Rob and I wanted it, but we didn't get it.

Niel doesn't want it, but he got it.

I don't get it.

[audience laughs]


- It's not fair.


- You're absolutely right. Both of you.

It's not fair.


- Have a couple of marshmallows.

It's been that kind of day.


- A million marshmallows won't make up

for losing that TV show.


- Now wait a minute, you didn't get into this

to get on television.

You got into this to raise some money for charity.


- Yeah.

I guess we kinda forgot about that.


- Well, I'm proud of you.

You set out to accomplish something

and you certainly did.


- Yeah. We lost the job, but the charity's doing great.


- Gee, I was feeling pretty lousy,

but now I'm starting to feel pretty good.

But just to be sure...


- Two


- Ma'am, look.


- Yeah, sure.

[audience laughs]

[outro music]


- Webster


- Will be back


- In a moment. [chuckles]

[music]


- Hi guys.


- Hi.


- Guess what?

The Children's Hospital sent Rob and me

a special award.

Ever since Junior Jocks' been on the air

donations have been coming in, left and right.


- Well, this is great, champ.

And darling, you know, you were right.

I had nothing to worry about.

Lonnie Anderson has been offered

a new football contract, and guess what?

He took it. [chuckles]


- Yay.
- Oh.


- I guess it's been a good day for everybody.


- Oh, your group session go well?


- Well. Oh, Kitty O'Riordan got stuck up a tree,

and Mr Lyle went up to get her.

[audience laughs]

On a ladder, on a ladder.

[music playing out]

[music playing out]

[music playing out] [music playing out continues]