03x06 - Parent Trap

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music]


- Ah.

[audience laughing]

Mm.

[lips smacking]

[gentle music continues]

[audience laughing]

[door knocking]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

["Then Came You" by Steve Nelson and Madeline Sunshine]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time ♪

♪ Just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up. ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ And me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ And me and you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ And me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

[upbeat music]

[hand knocking]


- [George] Come on, come on, I know you're in there.

Speak to me.


- If I remember my Boy Scout training

you just tapped out the name Phil Donahue in Morse Code.

[audience laughing]


- I'd tap out Merv Griffin

if I could get this pipe to start dripping again.

[audience laughing]


- Well, I'm very sorry.

I can't fix something I don't hear.


- He wouldn't even fix the cat until she asked for it.

[audience laughing]


- Well, I'm telling you, it was dripping all day today.


- Well, I don't hear it now, it must have fixed itself.


- Don't be modest dear.

It didn't fix itself,

it dried up in fear.


- [Bill] Right.

[heels clicking]


- [Cassie] Ta.


- Hey. Where are you?

Where are you going?

Hey, wait a minute.

You're the landlord, so you're supposed to fix this.

[audience laughing]
- George.

You think it's too late to call a plumber?


- Wait a minute.

Where's Webster?

He's late again.

This is the third time he is been late, darling,

and didn't even call.


- George, lighten up. It's Friday.

It's the weekend.

You know, he's over playing at Rob's house.


- He knows how worried I get when he doesn't come home.

I mean, really.

I'm gonna have to do something about this, darling.

This is ridiculous.


- You're absolutely right.

We've gotta take this very seriously.

But I would just like you to bear in mind

he did not inv*de Poland.

[audience laughing]

He's merely a little late.

[audience laughing]


- What a day I'm having, darling.

I got a drip that won't drip.

I got a kid that won't listen to me.

I feel like the invisible man.

[audience laughing]


- Anybody home?


- Ah, ha ha ha.

You're just the kid I'm looking for.

Would you please come over here for a minute and sit down?


- Sure George.


- You're late again and you didn't call.


- We were playing so hard.

There wasn't enough time.

[audience laughing]
- Webster,

there's always time enough to call.


- I'm sorry for being late and not calling.


- That's what you said before.


- I'm sorry for everything I ever did.

[audience laughing]


- Well, you remember the deal, don't you?

You're grounded for the weekend.


- The whole weekend?

What if Ralph's brother decides to take us to a ballgame?

Or what if the circus comes to town?


- Oh, you won't be able to go, will you?


- This may be the best weekend in my whole entire life.

Oh, it's tough being a kid.

[audience laughing]


- You think it's easy being a parent?


- It's more fun being a parent than being a kid.

Kids have to go to school.

[audience laughing]


- Yeah, well grown ups have to go to work.


- Yeah, but they get money for it.


- Sure we get money for it.

We get money for it so we can pay taxes and the rent.


- You still have it easier than me.


- Do not
- Do too.


- I do not.
- Do too.


- I do not.
- Okay guys.

Time out. Time out now.

What's the problem?


- There's no problem, darling.

I grounded him for the weekend. Now he's telling me

that it's harder to be a kid than a parent.


- You should try being a kid sometime.

It isn't easy as it looks.

[audience laughing]


- Oh, well, for your information

I had that job for about years.

It was the most wonderful, most cuddly time of my life.

[audience laughing]


- Do you know you've hit on something?

Now, Webster.

This might be a wonderful opportunity

for you to find out how easy it is to be a parent.

And George, my darling, you could return

to those thrilling days of yesteryear.

[audience laughing]

We could do a little role reversal here.

You know, kind of make it like a game,

or I know better still, a bet.

Webster, you get to be the parent

for the whole weekend and you're the child.

And whoever calls uncle first

admits they have the easier job.


- As soon as he gets a taste of being a parent

he'll be begging to be a kid again.


- I'll be begging.

Let's see how long you last

when you have to go to bed before Dynasty.


- Good! [audience laughing]

Well, I think we have a deal here.


- Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute, sister.

Uh uh, no, no,

I'm not gonna be the only child. You know what I mean? [laughing]


- What?

[audience laughing]


- That's right.

Was your idea right?


- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I just meant you know, between you guys.


- Oh, no, no, darling. It was your idea.

And if it was your idea, I mean, won't you play along?

Maybe you don't think this'll work?


- Yeah.

[audience laughing]


- What is that? Okay.


- Let the games begin.


- All right, this is great.

I'm gonna call Rob.

I'm the parent!

[audience laughing]

[pipe dripping]


- George.

George.

[audience laughing]


- [George] Great, what did I tell you?


- Oh.


- What did I tell you, Katherine?

Huh? Huh?

[hand thudding]


- Ah!

[audience laughing]


- [George] Get the landlords.

[audience laughing]

[gentle music]


- Okay, now real slowly, take your finger out.

[audience giggling]

[audience laughing]

Wow, that's a regular Niagara falls.

[audience laughing]


- I'm telling you, there was a gusher in there, okay?


- Really?
- Yes.


- It must have eloped with the dripping sound.

[audience laughing]

[footsteps clacking]


- Katherine, I cannot believe what I'm hearing.

You are switching roles with Webster for the weekend?


- Yeah it's gonna be fun.


- If my family had ever turned things over to us,

my three brothers would have sold the house,

and me, and used the money to buy a frog.

[audience laughing]

I'm trying to tell you that this is really risky.


- Oh no, Cassie.

I don't think so.

It's just a simple psychological game.

Besides, Webster already has a frog.

[audience laughing]


- I missed something here.


- So did I, what were we talking about?


- Hi guys.


- [Both] Hi.


- Well, if it isn't Mr. Long.


- Hmm?

Oh yeah, that's right.

What's for dinner?


- Gee, Daddy, I don't know.

That's just what I was going to ask you.


- You mean I've gotta make dinner?

[audience laughing]


- Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?


- Oh yeah.


- I'm real hungry too.


- Well, I better get cooking.

[audience laughing]

Can you tell me where we keep the cans of fried chickens?

[audience laughing]


- Sweetheart?

I don't think fried chicken comes in cans.

[audience laughing]

Does it?


- No, it comes in buckets.

[audience laughing]


- Maybe I'll make something else.

[gentle music]

[audience laughing]

Did you wash your hands?

[audience laughing]

See them?

Nice job.


- Thank you.


- Oh, no, no.

Not sandwiches for dinner.

[audience laughing]


- Yes.

You should have something from the four basic food groups,

[audience laughing]

which is grain, dairy, meat, and vegetables.


- Yeah.

[Katherine sighing]

[sandwich crunching]

[audience laughing]


- What's in here?

[audience laughing]


- Bread, cheese, beef jerky, and corn chips.

[audience laughing]

[gentle music]

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I got it.

[audience laughing]

Hi Doug, hi Rooney.


- Hey Web, look what I got.


- Wow.

Video arcade tokens.


- Yeah, my dad brought home of them.

Wanna come to the arcade with us?

Sure.

Let me just go tell ma'am.

[footsteps clicking]

Ma'am?
- Mm hm?


- I'm going down to the video arcade with Doug and Rooney.


- Oh no.

[audience giggling]

You have to help me with my homework.

[audience laughing]


- When do I get to do what I wanna do?

[audience giggling]

I'll be back in a minute.

[audience laughing]

You guys go ahead without me.

Save me some tokens.


- Okay.

[door shutting]

Okay, what's the problem?

[audience laughing]


- Okay.

How does the Jungian theory

of collective consciousness

conflict with the traditional

deterministic Freudian viewpoint

[audience laughing]

of the multi
-level human psyche?

[audience laughing]


- Do you have any true or false questions?

[audience laughing]


- Not in here.

Oh, gimme a bite.

Gimme a bite.

Oh, please. Come on, Dad, I'm hungry.

When are you gonna make lunch? Gimme a bite, please.


- Lunch.


- Gimme a bite.


- I just finished washing the breakfast dishes.

[audience laughing]


- Yoohoo, you two.

I have some great news.


- [Katherine] Oh, hey.

[George laughing]


- George, where have you been?

[audience laughing]


- Oh, I had to go down and get my tuxedo outta the cleaners.

But that isn't the,

that isn't the great thing that's happening.

The general manager of the station, he is sick.

He wants us to go down and represent the station

at the Annual Broadcasting Awards dinner tonight!


- George!

Oh darling, that's wonderful.

Congratulations.


- Well.
- The garage was

supposed to be cleaned by noon.

[audience laughing]


- [Both] What?


- You heard me.

The garage was supposed to be cleaned by noon.

[audience giggling]


- Well, she was supposed to do it

and I was gonna come home and help her

as soon as I could get back.


- Oh no, no, no, no. George.

Look, I have a big test on Monday.

I have a lot of homework I have to do.


- Yeah, I know darling.

But the deal was
-


- Can I see you two for a minute please?

[audience laughing]

So neither one of you cleaned the garage.


- Well, she was supposed to

do it you see, and I.
- That's right.

That's right.

[audience laughing]

Because we had really other important things

that we had to do.


- What kind of parent would I be

if I made rules and didn't keep them?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

I'm sorry, guys.

You can't go to the banquet tonight.

You're grounded.

[audience laughing]

[gentle music]

[audience applauding]

[gentle music]


- Oh, George.

We're not gonna let a nine year old child

keep us from going to an important business function.

This could change your career.

Ugh, you know, I'm just,

I'm gonna call this whole game off.

I'll just do it


- Oh no you're not gonna
- another time.

Katherine, you're not gonna call it off,

and we're going to the banquet, okay?


- Oh wonderful.

And how do you expect us to do both?


- Darling, I think you forgot what the game's all about.

We're supposed to be the kids, right?


- [Katherine] Yeah.


- Okay, so we'll do what the kids do.

We'll sneak out.

[audience laughing]


- What?


- Let's just say we're

putting one over on dear old Dad, okay?

[audience laughing]


- What if he catches us and we're in trouble?


- Well then you tell him that I made you do it.

[audience laughing]

Come on Katherine.

He goes to bed at :, he sleeps like a log.

He'll never get up.

We'll get Cass or Bill to babysit

and we're on our way to the banquet.

[hand patting]


- I just, I don't like the idea of sneaking out.


- Well, do you know that the banquet is formal

and I'll be wearing my tuxedo.

[audience laughing]


- Will you be wearing the the red satin cummerbund?

[audience laughing]


- Yes, if you wear that black lacy dress of yours, darling.


- With the pearls?

[George gasping]

[audience laughing]


- The pearls.

I love those pearls darling.


- Remind me to keep you away from oyster bars.

[audience laughing]

[gentle music]


- So your parents really do anything you tell them to?


- Yeah, they're the kids.

[audience laughing]


- How cool.

Hey, let's make them do something really good.

[audience giggling]


- Like what?


- Like make them play the piano in front of company.

[audience laughing]


- We don't have a piano.


- Well then make them wash their hands.


- I already did.


- Perfect.

My mom makes me wash mine a million times a day.


- Watch this.

George.


- Yes.


- Could you come here a minute please?


- Sure, Daddy.

[audience laughing]


- Will you please go wash your hands?


- I just washed my hands, Daddy.


- This time use soap.

[audience laughing]


- Oh, how did you know?

[audience laughing]


- That is unbelievable.

You're the luckiest kid in the whole world.


- I'm the luckiest dad in the world.

[audience giggling]

If those two kids are good,

I just might get them a puppy.

[audience laughing]

[gentle music]

[Katherine yawning]

[silent film piano music]


- Well.

Guess I'm gonna turn in.

[audience giggling]

Goodnight.


- Goodnight.

[Katherine humming]

[audience laughing]


- Well, goodnight Daddy.


- G'night son.

He's supposed to go to sleep.
- Shh.

Just wait, gimme your watch.

Okay, you ready?

, , , , .

Okay, have a look.

If you don't believe me, have a look.

[silent film piano music]

Do I know my kid

or do I know my kid.

[audience laughing]


- Get Bill.


- Bill?

Katherine, the coast is clear, come on up.

Okay.

[audience laughing]

[Katherine humming]

Whoops.

Ugh.

Da, da, da.

Do, do, do, do.

[audience laughing]


- And you didn't think this was gonna work, come on.

[Katherine chuckling]

Where's Bill?

Katherine, you look beautiful.


- Oh, thank you.


- George, lengthen the pants.

[audience laughing]


- Bill, we do really appreciate this.

Thank you.


- No problem.

Are you sure he is asleep?


- Sure, he's sleeping like a log.

Do I know my kid or do I know my kid?

[audience laughing]


- Well, have a good time.


- Bye.
- Oh, by the way,

Bill, if you get hungry,

there's a crunchy sandwich in the fridge for you.

[audience laughing]

[door shutting]
- Swell.

[pipe dripping]

[audience laughing]

Get you now.

Oh.

[audience laughing]

[fist thudding]

[audience laughing]

[gentle music]


- They're gone.

[gentle music continues]

[old T.V. western g*nshots f*ring]

They're watching TV.

Boy, are they gonna get it.

[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

[old T.V. western g*nshots f*ring]

[remote clicking]

[Bill snoring]

[Bill giggling]

[audience laughing]


- Cassie, stop that.

[audience laughing]


- Bill, wake up.


- What?

[Bill grunting]

Webster, what are you doing here?


- I live here.

[audience laughing]

What are you doing here?


- Good question.

What am I doing here?

Oh, I'm asleep.

[audience laughing]

I'm dreaming. That's it.

I'm having a dream and you're in it.

[audience laughing]

You must be having a dream too, and I'm in yours.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] What a coincidence.

Why don't you go back to bed?

[audience laughing]


- We're not dreaming.

And what are you doing sleeping here?


- Cassie and I had a fight?

[audience laughing]


- You guys never fight.


- Web, what are you doing up?

Bill, I made you a nice cup of tea.


- Don't try to apologize.

[audience laughing]


- Why would I do that?


- Trying to make me think that everything's okay.

That terrible fight we had.

[audience laughing]


- What did you do?

[audience laughing]


- You know perfectly well what I did.

Any self
-respecting husband would've done the same thing.

[audience laughing]


- Cassie?


- [Cassie] Yeah?


- Are Ma'am and George down at your apartment?


- [Cassie] No.


- I knew this would happen.

I cannot lie.


- Bill, what are you talking about?


- I should have never let them talk me into it.

This isn't a dream.

It's a nightmare.

[audience laughing]

[Katherine laughing]


- I thought I'd die when Fritz's toupee

fell in the punch bowl,

[audience laughing] and then he reached in
-


- Ma'am!

[Katherine gasping]

George!

You snuck out!


- He made me do it.

[audience laughing]


- You told me he wouldn't wake up.

You told me he wouldn't find out.

You told me you'd be back by .

You were wrong, wrong, wrong!

[audience laughing]

Cassie, let's go.


- What about our fight?


- We didn't have a fight.


- Well, does this mean we can't make up anyway?

[audience laughing]


- I love the way your mind works.

[audience laughing]

By the way, I fixed your drip.

I fixed the drip.


- Oh you're so sweet.

Follow me.

[audience laughing]


- George, where were you? I was worried sick.


- Oh sweetheart, we didn't want to worry you.

And I'm sorry that you were upset, but we can explain.


- When I woke up, you weren't in your bed, you fibbed.


- Yes we did.

We fibbed.

But we had to go to that banquet.


- Why?

You were grounded?


- Because tonight's banquet was very important to George

and we had to make a choice between that and our game.


- Yeah, we didn't tell the truth and that wasn't very nice.


- Do you know how scared I was

when I woke up and you were missing?


- Well, now you know how worried

and scared we get when you're late and you don't call.


- Boy, if that's how I make you feel, I'm really sorry.


- You know, I would feel a lot happier

if we could go back to being your parents

and you'd go back to being our child.

What do you say?

[George laughing]


- [Webster and Katherine] Uncle.

[audience laughing]


- Boy, I am glad that is over.

[audience laughing]

I have one question.


- [Katherine] Uh
-huh?


- Could you fix me something to eat?

I haven't had a decent meal in two days.

[audience laughing]

[gentle music]


- [George and Katherine] You haven't?

[audience applauding]

[upbeat music]


- [TV Announcer] Thank you, and goodnight everybody.


- Boy, midnight television is really boring.


- What do you mean?


- It's just a bunch of people

sitting around the desk,

laughing at their own jokes.

[audience laughing]


- Well, since we're all so bored and it's getting very late.

[yawning] what do you say we hit the hay, guys.

Hmm?


- Yeah.

I guess I am pretty tired.


- Oh, well.

[gentle music]

I'm not surprised.

[Katherine yawning]

[light switch clicking]


- Katherine.

Has anyone ever told you

how beautiful you look in the moonlight?


- Oh George how sweet.


- Gee, George.

You never told me how beautiful I look in the moonlight.

[audience laughing]


- Get up the stairs.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[upbeat music]

[orchestra music]