02x21 - Best of Friends

[bunniefuu]

[slow soothing music]

[audience laughing]

[Cass gasping] [audience laughing]


- Oh, oh, Webster, take off the mask

and show me the face I love.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, that's the one.

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losin' track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time ♪

♪ Just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ And me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ And me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And then came you ♪

[cheerful music resumes]


- Smoked oysters.

Why do we always have to have smoked oysters?


- What's wrong with smoked oysters?


- Look at 'em!

They're small, gray, and fishy, like my Aunt Molina.


- Oh, you mean the one that fixed bingo games on Mykonos?


- Bite your tongue Katherine, it was never proven.


- Oh, come on George.

She was caught with marked cards

and an O in her panty hose.

[audience laughing]
- Circumstantial evidence.


- Thank you, Anthony Zorba.

[audience laughing]


- Crazy fox to red dragon.

Hang on Davey, I'm just gathering supplies. Over.


- Bill and Cassie are gonna be up any minute.

We gotta hurry.


- Oops, then I better hurry.

As soon as the game starts, Bill

and George starts yelling at each other,

just like my friends Raymond Selton and Bob Hope.

[audience laughing]

No relation. [audience laughing]


- For your information, young man,

I don't happen to be yelling.

It's Bill that yells.

I merely emphasize my point.


- Loudly.


- Very loudly.

[audience laughing]


- Well, I'm a sportscaster, all right?

I have a natural resonance to my voice.

A certain timber, a trill.


- Well, we're trilled to hear it.

[audience laughing]

Would you take that Dill Havarti

and the pheasant pate in the other room, please?


- Dill Havarti.


- Yeah.
- Katherine,

why do we have Dill Havarti?

And what the heck is it, anyway?

[audience laughing]


- Well think of it as exotic American slices and move on.


- Yeah, well I'd like to think of

good old fashioned American peppermint patties.

Can I have some of that?


- No.


- Why?


- The peppermint patties are mine

and Davey's, for our camp out,

in the tree house tonight.


- Yeah, but I love 'em.

Just give me a couple of 'em.

Don't be so
-


- No!

[audience laughing] Can you please

hand me the cheese balls?


- He gets the cheese balls too, huh?

[audience laughing]


- That's right.


- Okay, I have the sandwich cookies,

granola fruit bars, and chocolate cherries.

We get special treats, 'cause no school tomorrow.


- Chocolate cherries, he gets chocolate cherries.

I don't have any school tomorrow,

maybe I should bunk in with you guys.


- Sorry, George.

Me and Davey are the only two guys

allowed in the tree house tonight.


- But that's not fair.

I helped build that tree house.

I laid the linoleum.

[audience laughing]


- I know, but tonight is just me and Davey.

It's part of our best friend's oath.

Give me that.


- I think you're being quite childish.


- He is a child.


- Oh, and I'm not?

[audience laughing]


- Red dragon to crazy fox.

Red dragon to crazy fox. Over.


- This is crazy fox, hi Davey. Over.


- Hi Webster.


- Can I ask why you're using

walkie talkies right here in the kitchen,

when you're standing beside each other,

less than two feet apart?


- Keep your finger on the button, red dragon.

Ma'am, can we play or what?


- Sure! [audience laughing]

Oh, I'm so glad that we got you

those walkie talkies, 'cause now

you can walkie and talkie.

Of course it doesn't work if you're standing still

and talking, but
-


- What do I smell?


- Oh! The broccoli puffs.


- [Cassie] Katherine and George, we're here.


- Coming!

George, try not to be too competitive tonight.


- Katherine, I'm surprised at you.

I'm not the one that's competitive, it's Bill.

I'm a mellow fellow.

I'm a hammock swayin' in the breeze.

[audience laughing]

Of course, if he gets in the way of my hammock...

May the games begin.


- Well George.


- I'm thinking, okay? I'm thinking.


- Isn't this fun? I think this is fun.

Don't you think this is fun?


- Broccoli puff?


- No thanks.

But I will have a deviled egg and a cocktail knish.


- Come on George.

You have two seconds, and then it's old Bula the buzzer.

One, two, wahh, time's up


- Ponce del Leon and Johnny Mathis.


- That's ridiculous, darling.


- She's right.


- We're right, Katherine.


- But, too late.


- What do you meant too late?

Come on, you're cheating.

We're too late? I quit.


- Come on, George.


- [George] I quit!


- This is trivia thoughts.

You should be good at this game.

[audience laughing]


- Listen, if you boys can't get along

why don't we just call this evening off?


- No, no, no, no, no, no way.

Not with this gem of a question.

Come here.

[George laughing]


- There is no trivial question I cannot answer.


- That's right. My Bill is quite a trivial person.

Oh, sorry. [audience laughing]


- Well George, are you gonna ask the question or not?


- Okay Katherine, here's where we're gonna rack it up.


- Oh look, it's :.

Will you go and check on the kids

and let me ask the question?


- No, darling.

I want to be here when he blows it.


- Well?


- History.

[Bill chuckling]
- Bill's best subject.


- Who was the last to sit on the peacock throne?

Ha ha ha ha ha.


- Who was the last? Give me a moment here, okay?


- We got him, Katherine.


- George, look in my eyes.

Please check on the children.


- I'll check on the kids.


- No, no, no, no. I want everyone here when he loses.


- Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi.

Am I right, or am I right?

[audience laughing]


- Spell it.


- This game doesn't call for spelling.


- Ah ha ha ha ha, he can't spell it Katherine.

He can't spell it, do, do, do, do, do.


- I'm gonna check on the kids, the other kids.


- I'll heat up the knishes.
- He can't spell it.

Spell it.


- What do you mean spell it?


- Spell it, spell it, S
-P
-E
-L
-L
-I
-T, spell it!


- [Webster] Knock, knock.


- [Davey] Who's there?


- [Webster] Banana.


- [Davey] Banana who?


- Knock knock.


- Who's there?


- Banana.


- Web!


- Come on.


- Banana who?


- Knock, knock.


- Who's there?


- Orange.


- Orange who?


- Orange you glad I didn't say banana?


- [Davey] Boy that's an old one.


- Yeah but it still cracks me up.


- Yeah.
- Yeah.


- Hey, we both like granola and cola.


- And you're a good bowler.


- That's it!

We can become the granola cola bowler brothers!

[audience laughing]


- You cr*ck me up, Web.


- Yeah, I do that, don't I?

[audience laughing]

That's what best friends do.


- [Davey] Yeah.


- Yeah.

Hey and best friends tell each other everything,

so they'll know everything.


- Yeah.
- Yeah.


- Web, can I tell you something?


- Sure. Did you hear that?


- Yeah.


- Yeah. Ma'am.

Why are you watering the shrubs so late at night?


- I'm watering because the shrubs need water.


- But the can is empty.


- I don't wanna drown the suckers.


- Yeah. Sure, right.


- Well, do you need anything up there?

Blankets, food, oxygen?


- Ma'am, we're only four feet above the ground.

Mothers, I guess they just can't help it.


- Yeah. [audience laughing]


- You having a good time too, Davey?

[Davey grumbling and mumbling]


- I beg your pardon?


- He can't talk now. His mouth is full of cheddar balls.

[audience laughing]


- Oh, but he looks lonely.


- Yeah, he's been marooned in outer space

for a year, and I just rescued him

and brought him back to our moon base.


- Whoa. Well no wonder he's so hungry.

[audience laughing]

Awe, I remember camping out in my own tree house.


- Ma'am.


- The cook would make these little niblets,

duck a orange, veil pectate, frog's legs,

strawberry salad.


- Ma'am.

[audience laughing]


- I know I wax poetic.


- What's a wax poetic?


- Well Davey, it's when
-


- It's okay ma'am.

I'll explain it to him later.

[audience laughing]


- Okay. Well, say hello to the man in the moon for me.


- Ma'am, we're just pretending!

She always talks like that.


- Okay George, the question is

what product's secret formula is seven X?


- Seven X?


- [Cassie] Yeah.


- Seven X what?

[Bill giggling]
- Shh.


- Oh that is so easy.

I can't believe it.
- Billy stop heckling.

My Bill is such a heckler.

He's a regular heckle and Jekyll.

This is why we don't go to nightclubs anymore.


- Oh really?

How 'bout Al's Moulin Rouge in Des Moines?


- Al's Moulin Rouge wasn't a night club,

it was a dance hall.


- You were the best dancer on the floor.


- Awe, I love this man.

And the answer is...


- Vaseline.

[Bill laughing]
- Coca
-Cola.


- If seven X is Coca
-Cola you're cheating.

[audience laughing]


- Oh really? Look at the card.


- [George] I could've sworn it was Vaseline.


- Give me back my card.


- Na na na na na na.


- Ah boys, you're behaving like children.


- Oh, okay.
- Oh no, no,

the children are actually behaving very well
-


- Right, okay.
- when I was out there

in the tree house.
- Here's your card.


- These boys could take a lesson

from the ones outside.


- Ma'am, he threw a marshmallow at me.


- What?
- Yeah, well you hit me first.


- Did not!
- Did to!


- Did not!
- Did to!


- Boys, please.


- Mrs. Popoddopolos, he's being mean.


- It's my tree house and I can do whatever I want.


- [George] Come on.


- And I don't want him in it anymore.

Go home, Davey.

You're not my best friend


- anymore.
- Web.


- Web!
- And I never


- wanna see you again.
- Webster.


- And you never will.
- Good.


- Webster!
- Hey Davey,

nobody leave.


- Oh Webster, how could you just

come in and interrupt this game?


- I'll take ya home.
- I didn't mean to.


- Well you did.

And then you talked to David like that.

How could you be so rude to your friend?


- He's not my friend. I don't have any friends.

And you know what? I don't care.


- Webster! [slow somber music begins]


- The game's over for me.

[audience laughing]

[slow somber music continues]


- Davey, don't hang up.

I wanna talk to your mother.

Oh, well I understand if you have

to tinkle, I'll talk faster.

Would you ask your mother to call me when she gets home?

Thank you. [putting down phone]


- Well?


- Well Mrs. Wilson wasn't home.

But Davey had a message for Webster.


- Which was?

[blowing raspberry]

[audience laughing]
- That's funny, you know

that's exactly what Webster

had to say about Davey, only he stuck out

his tongue when he went [blows raspberry].

[audience laughing]


- I wish one of those kids would tell us

what happened last night.
- About the fight?

Oh, come on Katherine.

Kids don't hold grudges.

You know, they're like little slinkies,

you know, they bounce back.

You know, bita bing, bita boom.


- [Blowing raspberry] doesn't sound like

bita bing, bita boom to me.

[audience laughing]


- That's because you don't know

kid language like I do darling.

Believe me, this mind thinks like a child.

[audience laughing]


- Yeah, I'm not gonna touch that one.

[audience laughing]


- And anyway sweetheart, truthfully,

I mean didn't you ever have a fight when you were a kid?


- I was an extremely well
-liked, beautifully behaved child.

Except I did clobber Maryanne Megilicutti

in the third grade with my book bag.


- Hmm, why?


- Well, why? She deserved it.

She accused me of buying my school uniform wholesale.

[audience laughing]
- Then you

were certainly justified.

I hope you hit that little hussy with your charge plate.

[audience laughing]


- Hi guys.


- Hey, how's it going?

Oh, I know why you're rushing down here.

You're rushing right over to that phone

to call your friend Davey up, aren't ya?

Huh?


- What friend, Davey?


- Now I know you didn't wanna talk about it

last night and that was fine with us.

But we gotta talk about it today.

What happened out there?

Honey, a friendship is just too important to lose

over one, silly, little fight.

All friends have squabbles and spats.

But you know, they talk things over

and they work things out.


- But I'm not gonna work anything out

with dumb old whatever his name is, Wilson.

I don't like him.

I told him that yesterday

and I'll tell him same thing today.


- Now come on, wait a minute now.

I mean, you brought the kid over here.

You gave him your best cheese balls,

and then you kicked him out. [audience laughing]

You know, I think you owe an apology.

Come on.
- Why?

You get mad at Bill every game night,

and you don't apologize?
- Well, yes.

But George and Bill are adults, it's different.


- Why?


- Well, it's symbiotic. It's platonic.

It's patriotic. No, I don't know why.

[audience laughing] It just is.


- Well, I don't care.

I'm not gonna apologize to you know who,

not ever, ever, ever.

And anyway, why doesn't he apologize first?


- I'll do it.


- Fine.

Huh?
- Huh?


- Web, Cass and Bill are here.


- I'll be down in a minute, George.


- He'll be down in a minute.


- George, I want you to know

I think what you're doing is wonderful.


- Well, thanks Cass.

And you know, I'm just trying

to show Web that it's okay, to apologize to a friend.


- It take a big man, George.

Now when we get to the actual apology, where do you want me?

[audience laughing] Here okay?


- Yeah, that's fine.

It really doesn't matter.


- I think he should look compassionate.

Don't you think he should look compassionate?


- Compassion's nice.


- No the first stage should be stern.

I'll let the compassion creep in

as George's groveling becomes more pitiful.

[audience laughing]


- Cass, can I talk to you for a minute?

Would you tell him [whispering indistinctly]?


- Good point.

George has asked me to remind you that,

at one point in his life, he was paid to hurt people.

And he liked it.
- He loved it.

[audience laughing]
- Hey, I was just kidding.

I wouldn't mess you up, big fella.

No, this is for the kid.


- Hi guys, what's up?


- Hey.

Well, you made me realize something the other day.


- I did?


- Yeah, and I want you to see me realize

what you made me realize.


- Huh? [audience laughing]


- Don't ask him to repeat that.


- Can I ask him to explain it?


- Be my guest.

[audience laughing]
- George
-


- Now, save your words, save your words.

I've been thinking about

what you said about Bill the other day.

And, I do owe him an apology.

And I just want you to be here when I apologize to Bill.


- Oh boy, this is gonna be fun.


- I'm very proud of you, George.


- Okay, I'm gonna do it now.

Bill, I just want you to know

that I wanna apologize for doubting your veracity.


- What's veracity?

You usually call him a cheater.

[audience laughing]
- No, no, no.

The kid is actually right.

You do call me a cheater.

[audience laughing]


- Fine okay, well then all right.

Fine, fine okay.

Bill, I want to apologize for calling you a cheater.


- That's all right.


- Now, you get on the phone and call Davey.


- Wait a minute, George.

What about the time you called him

a peabrain, a bum, and a knucklehead?

[audience laughing]
- He called you that?


- Yes, yes he did.

You see Cass, he doesn't want to apologize.

We're wasting our time.


- No, no, no.


- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now give George a chance.


- Okay, I wanna apologize for calling you

a peabrained [muttering] knucklehead.


- What? [phone ringing]


- You heard me.


- No I didn't.


- I said I was sorry. [phone ringing]


- I heard that.


- I think we all heard that?


- Now if you'd like to apologize

for having called me a fan dancer.

[audience laughing]

[phone continues ringing]


- Don't get up, I'll get it.

[audience laughing]

Hello? Oh, Mrs. Wilson.


- This is Davey's mother?

I'm not home.

I'm going up to my room, and I'm not

coming out until David leaves Chicago.


- [George] Very funny.


- [Cass] Now George, don't get offended.


- [George] I'm not offended,

I'm just kind of
-
- That's okay.

Oh don't be ridiculous.

No, no, I love you in hats.

[audience laughing]

Could I call you back? Okay bye.


- [Cass] I think that I probably should apologize

for ever having brought it up,

because if I hadn't said that
-


- Nothing to apologize for.
- No apology

is necessary in your department.


- Hello?
- Well fan dancer

has nothing to do with it.
- Hi.


- I just found out why Webster

and Davey have been fighting.

[slow somber music playing]


- Boy, isn't this great?

Donating books to the library.

Boy are we terrific? What a family we are.

George, you were apologizing to Bill

so I'd apologize to Davey, right?


- You got it.


- Well forget it. [audience laughing]

I don't have any apologies in me.

Davey says things he doesn't mean.

And no matter what he says, he pushed me first.


- I don't think we're talking about pushing.

I think we're talking about two boys

who really like each other very much.


- Oh yeah?

If he likes me so much, then why

is he moving away next week?


- You're gonna miss him a lot, aren't you?


- I am not.

And what's the use of having friends anyway?

As soon as you break them in, they're gone.

They move some place different and make new friends.

They forget all about you.


- Just 'cause he's moving away

doesn't mean you two can't be friends.


- Are you kidding?

Do you know how far away Florida is?


- Yeah, of course.

I mean, if you think you're gonna walk there

or take a bike, it's quite a way.

But I mean all you have to do is pick up

that itsy, bitsy phony, onesy.

And bitty bing, bitty boom,

it's like he's in the next room.


- Yeah.

[carving into board]

Here we are, forever and ever.

D.W. and W.L.P.


- Yeah.
- Yeah.


- And you'll never erase me?


- Never.

So, when do you have to leave?


- Tuesday.


- I hate Tuesdays.


- Me too.


- Davey, I kinda got you something

for a going away present.


- What am I gonna do with a fur hat

and ear laps in Florida?

[audience laughing]

[gentle music playing]


- Think of me.

[boys high
-fiving]


- Webster.


- Will be back.


- In a moment.

[Webster and Katherine giggling]

[bright upbeat music resumes]

Guys, can I play one round?

I made up my own cards and everything.


- Web, this game's for grownups.


- Well what's the matter, Billy boy?

You afraid of a little competition from an intelligent kid?


- Come on sweetheart, I'll play.

What are the categories?


- Frog, gum, my windup toys, and mud.

[audience laughing]
- Mud.

How many questions can there be about mud?


- If you have to ask, it's not your category.

[audience laughing]


- Ma'am, pick a color.


- I like green.


- That's frogs.


- Huh.


- What do you get when you cross Superman and a bullfrog?


- What?
- What?


- I don't know, but when it leaps

tall buildings, it doesn't choke.

[bright music resumes]

[music fades out]