02x20 - What is Art?

[bunniefuu]

[light music]

[Bill snoring]

[audience laughing]

[stopwatch clicks]
- Time!

[audience laughing]


- Am I caught?


- You bet you are.


- Cass, this is ridiculous.

He's an eight
-year
-old.


- It's exactly my point.

In the mystery I'm proofreading,

the thief uses his eight
-year
-old son

to steal from the sleeping man,

the wallet that contains the secret code.

And he does it in seconds.

It's taken Webster .


- , , what's the difference?

The kid in the book is a pro.

Webster is a sweet innocent child,

who by the way, still has my wallet.

[audience laughing]


- And your watch.

[audience laughing]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Have no need to give more than I want to ♪

♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in line sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and then came you ♪

[bright upbeat music]


- This is the third big tournament

in a row for Papadapolis.

He's ready.

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ Ee i ee i o ♪


- Well, come on with the ee i ee i o's.

This is five cents a sh*t here.

[George laughs]

Come on.


- It's not fair, George.


- It's not fair, I guess you're right.

I am very good. [laughs]

Maybe we should cut it down to a penny a putt, huh?


- Hi, everybody, I'm home.


- I mean about the skateboard.

Road Buster's the best in the world

and it only costs $..


- $.?

Come on, Web!

I just bought you a set of golf clubs.

I can't keep giving you everything

just 'cause you want 'em.


- And you'll never guess

what happened to me this afternoon.


- I mean, just earn your money or putt.


- But I'm tired of golf.


- Doesn't anyone want to even guess

what happened to me this afternoon?


- You're tired of golf?

A week ago you said you'd die

if you didn't have a set of golf clubs.


- I meant skateboard.

It just came out golf clubs.

[audience laughing]


- Hi.


- Ma'am, George won't buy me
-


- I know and I agree with him.

[mellow music]


- [Webster] How can I earn money?

I'm just a kid.


- [Catherine] How about helping around the house?


- [Webster] I already do that for free.


- So turn pro.

Oh, it's gonna be a very busy few days around here

because I am turning exhibitionist.


- Terrific.

Just leave my newspaper and trench coat alone.

[George chuckles]


- I'm talking art exhibitionist.

Jerry and I discovered an original talent today.

And I am going to exhibit that artist

right here in our home this very Sunday.


- You mean this Sunday as of four days from today?


- Uh
-huh, it's a big challenge even for a Calder
-Young.

But I already have people who are willing to come.

Some of whom consider themselves quite important.


- I'm impressed, darling.

Who's the artist?


- Oh, well, I promised not to tell

until the day of the exhibition.


- Catherine, how'd you get self
-important people

to come see an artist when you didn't even

tell 'em who the artist is?


- [sighs] Simple.

I just said what you always say when you want company.


- Which is?


- Free eats!


- [George] On us?


- I know, honey.

But, see, the artist has to leave town on Monday.


- See, ma'am, I put the groceries away.


- Oh, well, there you go.

All right, now let's see,

that should be worth about
-


- ..

I'm k*lling myself here.

[audience laughing]


- Consider you've earned a quarter and move on.


- Thanks, ma'am.

Maybe I'll do some light dusting.

Road Buster here I come, slowly, but surely.


- Okay, get washed, it's time to eat.

So, sweetheart, why this sudden interest in exhibitionism?


- Well, you know I've always been interested in art,

and this artist, well,

he's someone near and dear to all of us.


- He who?


- I told you, I'm not gonna tell you.


- Well, why?


- Because he wants to be judged

on his artistic merit, not on who he is.


- Oh, so he's a famous person.

Okay, now wait a minute.

Let me just ask you one more question

then I won't bug you anymore.

Is this famous person me?


- No!


- Thank God.

Because I'd have to start painting immediately, darling.

And to be very honest with you,

I'm not that good. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]


- Oh, I'm so grateful, Mr. Mayor.

No, no, no, no, no, please bring him.

Believe me, we have more than enough food for Ed Kotch.

Thank you, sir, see you at three.

Cassie, bring up a wheel of Velveeta,

we may be feeding Ed Kotch.


- I'm thrilled and delighted.

I'm also still in the dark.

The exhibit is today

and you still haven't told me who the artist is.


- It's okay.

She won't tell me either.


- Webster, why are you sliding down the banister?


- I'm not sliding.

I'm dusting, see?

[audience laughing]

cents, please.


- A dollar, if you give it a rest.

You've been cleaning this house from top
-to
-bottom.


- But ma'am, I only have $..


- Tell you what, why don't you go down to see Bill.

He's giving himself a haircut.

He could probably use a good dusting about now.


- Thanks, Cassie.


- Okay, Catherine, if I guess who it is, will you tell me?


- All right.

One guess.


- Andy Warhol.


- No.


- Andy Rooney


- [Catherine] Cassie!


- Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Mantle.

Well, just tell me if it's a Mickey.


- All right, it's a Mickey.


- I knew it was a Mickey.


- I'm lying.

[audience laughing]


- I knew she was lying.

[audience laughing]


- You can dust me all you want,

but if you really want my business advice,

I can give it to you in two words.

Mink ranching.

[audience laughing]


- Mink ranching?


- You got it.

Raise litters of those little critters,

and pretty soon you'll be up to your navel

in pelts, stoles, and muffs.

[audience laughing]

And that means big bucks.


- But where am I going to get critter litters?


- You're right.

I'm talking crazy.

Just getting those little rodents in the mood

would cost you a fortune in "Mantovani" records.

[audience laughing]


- Say that again.


- Nevermind, maybe when you're older.


- I'm never going to get this skateboard.


- Don't worry.

I'll think of something.

[can pops]

Ah!

I know just the business for a smart kid like you.


- What?


- Precious metals.


- What's that?


- There's a gold mine in your own backyard.


- Wow!

[audience laughing]


- I'll show you how to cash in on it.

[happy music]


- [Jerry] It's here, it's here, I'm here.


- [Cassie] It's here, he's here!


- The masterpiece has arrived.

Come on, everyone, feast your eyes.

Presenting, "Sea Harvest."


- [Catherine] Oh, it's so original.


- It's uncanny.

Well, maybe it's canny.

Maybe I should can it.


- Can it?

Toss it!

It's junk!


- I think I'll go grab some nuts.


- We're talking garbage of the month club here.


- Obviously he knows nothing about art.


- Oh, I know nothing about art, huh?

I happen to be Greek, I know a lot about art.

Michelangelo, da Vinci, Disney,

especially during his mouse period.

[audience laughing]


- At least I know what doesn't hold your marriage together.


- [George] Ooh, Phil!


- Hi, everybody.
- Phil, ah!


- How you doing?

[audience applauding]


- Have we got something to show you. [chuckles]


- George, would you come with me?

Sit down, Phil.

Have some of hors d'oeuvre's.


- I haven't seen, Phil.
- Please, George.


- You're going to say something you'll regret.


- Pish
-posh, Phil, are you ready for a laugh?

[both laughing]


- I'm always ready for a laugh.


- Okay, good. [laughs]

So I want you to peruse what some guy

is trying to pass off as, get this, art.

[both laughing]


- Yeah, that's pretty far out.


- "Far out."

[both laughing]

It's a scream.
- "A scream."

[both laughing]


- The artist calls it "Sea Harvest."


- "Sea Harvest."


- I call it "City Dump."

[both laughing]

What do you call it, Phil?

Me, I call it mine. [laughs]


- How is it his?


- That's because it is.


- I love it.

I truly love it.

I love it because, because?


- Because it's a synthesis of post pop
-art

and neorealism designed to make

a profound environmental statement.


- I love it when you talk like that, darling.

She read my mind. [laughs]


- Yeah, it's an easy mind to read.

[audience laughing]

Come on, George, you don't like it, do you?


- Oh, Phil, it isn't that I don't like it.

It's that I don't understand it.

I mean, to me it looks like a bunch of stuff

that was thrown off a commercial fishing boat.


- Yay, good, you got it!
- You got it!


- I did?


- You see all these cans come from the sea, right?

People just throw 'em in the sea.

Well, so what I'm trying to say here

is that if we don't clean up our oceans,

we are going to lose part of a natural beauty

that makes life worth living.


- Oh, what a wonderful statement.


- Oh.


- Wasn't that a great statement, Jerry?


- Well, I knew that's what he meant.

Catherine, didn't I tell you that's what he meant.


- Never.

[audience laughing]


- Maybe it was my mother.

Now, I know I told a tall woman.

[audience laughing]


- Look, I want to thank everybody,

especially you, Catherine.

I mean, I would've never gotten involved

in this project and had an opportunity

to make this statement had you not kept encouraging me

and encouraging me.


- Oh, Phillip, you're too modest.

Isn't he modest?

So modest.


- Yeah, well, look, I've got to go change

and get myself together, I'll be back later, okay?


- Listen.
- Yeah?


- The mayor's gonna be here at three o'clock.

Can you be back by three?


- I'll be here at three.


- Well, let's put this beauty up.

Where's the pedestal?


- Right here.


- Oh, no, no, not like that.

Catherine, one needs a pedestal

to properly display a piece like this.

George, follow me.


- Where?
- To mother's.

She keeps her bust on a pedestal.

We're gonna borrow it.


- Okay, but it may affect

the way she looks in a strapless gown.

[audience laughing]


- We have to go for the brochures and the mocha cream cake.


- [gasps] You're right.


- Now wait a minute, we can't just leave this out here.

We've gotta put it somewhere.


- Come with me, I know exactly the spot.


- Why?


- [Jerry] Oh, Cassie, this is perfect!


- I'll get my purse.


- And I'll get my coat.


- I'll get my beads.

[audience laughing]


- We're gonna get your mom's bust, or what?

[mellow music]


- Ma'am?

[door slams shut]

George?

[mellow music]

[cans rattling]

Phil?

Wow!

This is great.

[audience laughing]

[cans rattling]

[audience laughing]

[audience groaning]


- Hi ya, pal.

Ready to go to the recycling center?


- Yep, just as soon as I finish compacting

this last bunch of cans.

Boy, I'm gonna have that skateboard in no time.

[audience laughing]

[machine whirring]

[mellow music]

One, two,

three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine.

Boy, you're rich Webster Long.

[audience laughing]

"The first work of a new artist, Phillip Long."

Uncle Phillip!

Ma'am?

Ma'am?


- [Catherine] Yeah, honey, I'm in here.


- Uncle Phillip is an artist.


- Yes, I know.

See, look, "Sea Harvest" by Philip Long.

But it's still a secret till this afternoon.


- I'm dead meat.


- I beg your pardon?


- I said it's real neat.


- Oh, yes, thank you.

But we still have a lot to do

before Uncle Philip and the guests arrive.


- Ma'am?


- Yes, honey.


- Where's George?


- In the kitchen.


- Thanks


- Cassie.


- Oh, a smaller bowl.

Maybe a smaller bowl.


- Well
-


- I think a smaller bowl.

Is that what you're wearing?

[audience laughing]


- And then I put the whole thing in the trash compactor.


- You what?


- I ruined Uncle Phillip's art.

He's gonna feel awful.

And I feel awful.

And ma'am's gonna feel awful.

And when she finds out, she's gonna recycle me.

[audience laughing]


- She's gonna recycle you.

I'm gonna dunk, I'm gonna dunk you.

[audience laughing]

Gimme that brochure.

There's gotta be a solution.


- There better be, or Uncle Phillip's

never gonna talk to me again.


- I've got an idea.


- No.


- A brilliant idea.


- "Brilliant idea," it's crazy.

We get caught doing this

we'll be pressing license plates at San Quentin.


- Please be careful, Bill.

It has to be just right for my Uncle Phillip.


- Webster, for the thousandth time, shh!

I'm doing delicate work here.

Wipe, please.

Stay out of the light.

Glue g*n.

[Bill gasps]

Can.

Can!

George, don't drink them, dump them in the sink.

We're running outta time here.

[audience laughing]


- But I like Kiwi cocktail.


- Somehow I'm not surprised.


- [Catherine] George?

Webster?


- Ma'am!
- Catherine!

[audience laughing]


- Boys!

Somebody has removed "Sea Harvest" from the upstairs hall.

I can't find it.


- Uh
-oh.


- Well, that's because it's
-


- In the dumbwaiter.
- In the bar.


- Closet.

[audience laughing]


- Let me explain.

You see, Bill, Bill thought that "Sea Harvest"

wasn't in the safest place,

so he put it in the clock.


- I checked the clock.


- You checked the clock, right.


- Well, Webster, Webster thought that the clock

wasn't the safest place, so he put it in the dumbwaiter.


- It's not there now.


- Right, that's because George thought the dumbwaiter

wasn't the safest place, so he put it in the closet.


- Oh, which closet?


- Mine.

[audience laughing]


- If anything has happened to that sculpture
-


- What could happen?
- Oh, come on, Catherine.


- Nothing, nothing.


- Listen, you guys have gotta help me!


- And we will.
- It's gotta be

on that pedestal before the mayor gets here!


- Catherine?
- Sure.


- Catherine?
- What?


- There's a butler here.

Would you like me to start him buttling,

or would you rather buttle him yourself.


- What do you think?


- [Cassie] Did you find it?


- That was close.


- [Bill] Too close.


- Are you sure the guava punch is in the right place?


- Everyone's a critic.

[audience laughing]


- Thank you so much.

[gasps] Mr. Kotch, thank you so much for coming.

Now I want you to be sure

and refrigerate this Velveeta before the end of the year.

[audience laughing]


- What a shelf
-life on that cheese.

[audience laughing]


- Phillip, it was such a great success.

You're wonderful, I'm so proud of you.


- Hey, Catherine.


- Yes, I'll be right back.

I just have to get some more guacamole.


- Catherine?
- And that's not all.

The mayor wants to mount your cans at City Hall.

[audience laughing]


- Jerry, that's nice, but listen
-


- That's not all.

I'm going to suggest you do the cover

for the new mystery I'm editing,

"Night of the Living Garbage."

Well, it's trash, but I have to make a living.

[audience laughing]


- Well, we did it.


- What do you mean "we?"

I'd say we're talking "I."


- I, we, me, shmee.

The point is they bought it.


- They sure did.

If you guys hadn't built another "Sea Harvest,"

I'd be in big trouble.

Thanks, guys.

You really saved the day.

[guests talking indistinctly]


- Jerry!

Cassie!

That is not "Sea Harvest!"


- What?
- Shh!

That is "Sea Harvest," but it is not the "Sea Harvest."

Bill made a copy.

That is not Phillip's work.


- Not Phillip's work!


- Shh!
- Shh!

[audience laughing]


- [laughs] We're talking about catering.

Mix, mingle, enjoy yourselves.

[audience laughing]


- It's not my work, you know.


- I know.

I didn't know you know.

I mean, I knew you knew.

I mean, we are in deep manure here.


- It's okay, just calm down.

Just mingle, okay?

Let's go, come on.


- We'll hold the fort.

We will hold the fort.

We can hold the fort.

[audience laughing]


- You're eating mocha cake.

I'm having cardiac arrest.

And Philip knows it's not his work!


- What?
- What?


- That's right.

"Sea Harvest" is not mine.


- What do you mean it's not yours,

of course it's yours, Phil, it's great!


- She's perfect, from can to dented can.


- Almost perfect.


- I knew the guava punch should've been more to the right.

[audience laughing]


- Actually the guava punch was perfect.


- Oh, thank you.


- But you see, my "Sea Harvest"

has a dedication on the sardine can,

which says "Webster Long, the joy of my life."


- May I be excused?


- Freeze!

[audience laughing]

Webster, I have this feeling

that there's something that you don't wanna tell us

that I want you to tell us.


- Catherine, Catherine, let's stop b*ating around the bush.

It was his fault, and Bill's.

[audience laughing]

Catherine, it was an innocent mistake though.

He was just trying to earn some money.


- For my skateboard.


- Well, it was Webster's fault.


- Thanks.

[audience laughing]


- They were just recycling, you know?

He was recycling cans and he saw "Sea Harvest"

and he thought those were cans.

Well, I even thought those were cans.

I mean
-


- I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Uncle Phillip.

I thought I was doing something good

and it turned out to be bad.

And now "Sea Harvest" is probably a hubcap in Peoria.

[all laughing]

[audience laughing]


- That's good. [laughs]

[Webster laughing]


- Why are we laughing like this?


- Because you forged a piece of art.


- No, no, no, no, no, they did!

[all laughing]


- It doesn't matter who did it.

They bought it!

Oh, thank goodness no money actually changed hands.


- Yeah, I mean
-


- They bought it, they believed it, you know.

We got our message across.

[all laughing]

[audience laughing]


- Why not laugh?

I mean, somebody in this room

got my message loud and clear

and he's sitting right over here.

Come here, little guy.

Come here.


- Are you sure you're my friend, Uncle Phillip?


- "Your friend," baby, I love you.

Look, all "Sea Harvest" was saying was that

we've got to save our environment by recycling our garbage.

And that's just what you did.


- Are you not mad at me?


- Look, I'm a dancer.

I got into this project as a hobby, all right?

Now, you try recycling my tap shoes

and you're gonna be in big trouble. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]


- Webster.


- Will be back.


- In a moment. [laughs]

[happy music]

[cans rattling]

Boy, this recycling stuff was great.

I'll have my skateboard in no time.


- The bag's heavy, what do you got in there?


- Just some cans and bottles.


- [gasps] Web, oh, Web.

No, no, no, no.

Hey, wait a minute here.

[cans rattling]

This is my lamp.

My lamp!

This has a lot of sentimental value to me, Web.

For crying out loud,

this is the first piece of furniture I ever owned.


- But the guy at the recycling center

said he'd give me five bucks for it.


- Five bucks?

[audience laughing]

Well, it's just sitting around collecting dust.

Okay, let's go!

[audience applauding]

["Webster" theme music]

[logo fanfare]