02x10 - Too Much Class

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music]

[straws slurping]


- Not that was good.

[audience laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Loosing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more than I want to ♪

♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in, line, sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and then came you ♪

[gentle upbeat music]


- Hi, darling.


- Hi, ya, sweetheart.

What'd you buy?


- Scaloppine in a bag.


- Beg your pardon.


- Yes, just boil and serve.

It's from Instant Edibles.

You know that shop just off the loop?

Mildred Williams told me about it.


- Mildred Williams?


- Yeah, Marvin's mother.

You know, the cute little blonde boy in Web's class.


- Oh yeah, yeah, nice kid, real smart.


- Oh yeah, and was she thrilled.

It seems that Marvin brought home a letter

from the principal's office inviting him

to go into the rapid advancement class.


- Oh, that's good for Marvin.

So where's Web's letter?


- What letter?


- Come on, Katherine, if Marvin has a letter

and Web must have a letter.

Maybe we could frame it and put it in the library.


- Honey, not every child makes it to the special class.


- Darling, we're not talking about every child,

we're talking about our child.

So, come on, where's the letter?


- Well, Marvin's came last week,

so I guess Web didn't get one.


- Oh, come on, Katherine.

Dopey Marvin got a letter and Web didn't?


- Dopey? What happened to nice kid, real smart?


- Have you ever tried talking to Marvin?

It's like talking to an eight
-year
-old.


- He is an eight
-year
-old.


- Oh, that's great, Katherine, that's great.

Take his side.

[audience laughs]


- And so Detective Spinelli put it all together,

a bed filled with talcum powder,

a body covered with downy feathers.

The conclusion was obvious.

Irving Flack had dusted himself to death.

[audience laughs]


- Wow, what a way to go.


- Billy, what do you think?


- I think that writer that you proofread for

should be forced to read one of his own books very slowly.


- Oh, I put back your books.

I'm sorry they're overdue.


- Hey, pal, no problem.

Let's see, non
-fiction.

These are five
-day books.

They're two days overdue.

Let's see, how much do I charge a day?


- Billy.
- Just kidding.


- He's just kidding.


- I wasn't gonna charge you.


- Thanks. [audience laughs]


- So, did you enjoy the books?


- Yes, especially this one about American history.

Did you know Chicago was founded

by a black man named Jean Baptiste?

[Bill speaking in French]

Yeah, him. [audience laughs]


- Mr. And Mrs. George Papadopoulos.

Oh, and it's from the principal's office.

Very impressive.


- Yeah, maybe we could leave it here for a while.


- What happened?

Did you get into trouble at school?


- Sorta.

I got accepted to the rapid advancement class.


- That's trouble?

When I was in school, trouble meant staying after school

and trimming Mrs. Carzy's beard.

[audience laughs]

She was our school goat.

Attractive, in a rural kind of way.

I remember one afternoon
-


- Bill.

Webster, I think it's wonderful

you've been accepted into that class.

Your parents are gonna be very proud of you.


- Yeah, but I don't think I like it that much.

It's a different part of the school and has different hours

and I'll never get to see my friends.


- Yeah.

Sometimes change can be scary, huh?


- Yeah, and all the kids are afraid of rapid advancement.

They put Tommy Turner in their class two months ago

and nobody ever saw him again, ever.

[audience laughs]


- The principal obviously doesn't recognize

genuine academic talent, Katherine.

Ah
-huh, and I'm gonna give him a talking to.


- Could you talk to me and I talk to you

and we kind of talk together?


- Darling, we always talk together.

I'd like to talk to him now.


- Listen, Mr. Leader of the Pack.

We're a family, could we please discuss this as a family?


- Fine, go get Web.
- Okay.


- I'm putting it down.

[audience laughs]


- Webster!


- Hi, ma'am.

Oh here, I forgot to give this to you.


- Oh.


- Well, I'll tell you something, Dr. Lipshitz,

there's a lot of people who think

you're not doing a very good job.

Of course, I'm not one of them.

[audience laughs]

Well, keep up the good work.

Rapid advancement class.

Where is he?

Where's my little genius?


- Right here, George.


- You see that, Katherine, he knows just where he is.

How many kids today know where they are?


- George.


- Yes.


- Could you put me down?


- Katherine.

This calls for a celebration.


- This calls for a discussion.

I'm not sure I'm in favor of Webster

going into a rapid advanced class.

He's doing very well where he is.


- Exactly, that's why he needs a challenge

of a rapid advancement class, darling.


- Why?


- Why? Because he's capable of doing more.


- George.


- Web, please.


- He's happy where he is

and when you're happy, you learn.

I don't see why we should disrupt his life.


- Ma'am.
- Just a second.


- Who's talking about disruption?

Katherine, I'm talking about opportunity.

Now, my papa came over here with a third
-grade education

and he swore that his sons would do better and we did.

And now, now Webster's got a chance to do better than me.


- Then I.


- Okay, both of us.

[audience laughs]

It's like papa used to say, when opportunity knocks.


- [All] Don't ask, "Who is it?"


- Exactly.


- Guys.


- Just a minute.
- Please.


- Don't I get a vote?


- Web, we're talking about your life and your future,

so please mind your business.


- George.


- Of course you get a vote.


- Thank you, ma'am.


- Now, what's your vote?


- Wait.

Before you cast your ballot, remember this.

I don't want you to go in that special class because of me

because it would make me the happiest, proudest father

in the world, because it would lengthen my life.

[audience laughs]

So my precious, precious son, what would you like to do?


- I wanna be in a rapid advancement class.


- He's a chip off the old baklava.

[audience laughs]

First couple weeks in the new class, huh?


- [Webster] Yeah.


- A big test coming up, huh?


- Yeah.


- Do I make you nervous?


- Yeah.

[audience laughs]


- Yeah?

Okay, I'll just go downstairs and watch a little TV

then, I guess.

Maybe defrost the refrigerator.

[audience laughs] [George chuckles]

Oops.


- It's okay, you guys can come out now.


- It's a good thing your house

has all these secret passages, or else we never see you.


- Yeah, I miss you guys too.

You know, I don't even have anyone to play with

in my new class.


- Tommy Turner's in rapid advance.

Maybe you could be friends with him.


- Grow up, Kathy.

Tommy Turner is gone.

Nobody's ever gonna see him again.


- Well, why don't you just get outta that dumb class?


- I can't, George would be all disappointed in me.

Listen, I can't play anymore.


- But, Webster.


- I already broken the rules.

I gotta study, you guys better go.


- Okay, bye, Webster.


- See you around.


- Yeah, that's what they said to Tommy Turner.

[audience laughs]

[door clunks]


- Hi.
- Hi.


- Hi.


- Bye.
- Bye.


- Bye.

[audience laughs]

No.

This is great.

Now Webster is sneaking his friends in the house.


- Ow.


- Being too hard on him.


- Why, 'cause I want him to study, Katherine?


- Hey, I want him to study too,

but I want him to have an hour off for R&R.


- Trust me, darling, it's for his own good.


- Goof off again and I'll call the police

is for his own good? [audience laughs]


- It's just a joke, okay?

It's father and son stuff.


- Oh.


- Uh, hi, Raymond Seltzer III.


- We remember you, Raymond.


- Oh, good.


- Well, bye.
- Bye.


- Here.
- Thanks.

[door slams]


- Where have you been, professor?

I've been waiting for you.

What took you so long?


- I took the long way home.

Can I go to my room?


- Oh yeah, but wait a minute now.

Where's the test paper?


- Yoo
-hoo! [door slams]


- Katherine, we're in the library.

We've got the test paper back today.


- Oh, well.
- Come on.

Come on, let's see it.

How did we do?


- We flunked.


- What do you mean we flunked?

We studied, we should have done well.


- I know.

I never flunked the test my whole entire life.

Now the kids in that new class think I'm stupid.


- Well, then starting tomorrow you'll go back

to your old class where you were happy.


- But, ma'am, I can't go back.

If I do, all of my old friends will know

I couldn't make it in the new class.

Then they think I'm stupid too.

I hate school.


- Now, Webster.


- I wish I was Tommy Turner so I could just disappear.

[gentle music]

I'm disappointing George all over the place.


- Webster, come here.

This is not about George.

This is about you

and whether or not you wanna be in that advanced class.

You lost your confidence a little bit?


- Yeah, and I wish I could find it.

I used to be a lot peppier.

[Katherine laughs]


- Well, I found mine when I'd lost it.

I found it when I was your age.


- You lost your confidence?


- Oh, you bet I did.


- Wow, and you're the most confident person I know.


- Well, you see, you just can't judge a book by its cover.

Now take the Nutcracker, for instance.


- The ballet?
- Yeah.

There I was standing in my tutu and my toe shoes

ready to make my big entrance.

See, I was the third sugar plum fairy.

I was the tallest of all the fairies,

but everybody said I was an excellent dancer.

And then I got out there and oh, Webster,

I fell right on my
-


- Ma'am!
- Tutu, I was gonna say tutu.


- Yeah, sure


- I was, I was.

Oh, and then I just got up and I ran off the stage

and I wouldn't go back for the next three performances.


- And then what happened?


- Well, then it was the final performance

and I thought, well, I'll just give it one more try.


- And were you great?


- No, actually I fell again.


- Thanks, ma'am, I fell a lot better now.


- No, no, no, wait, sit. [audience laughs]

See, after the second time I fell,

instead of running off the stage,

I picked myself up and continued dancing.


- Really?
- Yes.

And you know, at the end of the performance,

I got a standing ovation?

By getting up and continuing dancing,

I got my confidence back.

It's kind of like turning an F into an A.

You could do the same thing.


- I could, how?


- Simple.

You just draw a straight line from the top of that F

all the way down and you'll get a solid A.


- George. [audience laughs]


- I was just reminiscing, darling.

[audience laughs]

Did you tell him?


- I'm getting to it.


- Web, we talked to your teacher.

We have some good news.


- Really?
- Yeah.

She's gonna let you do a project,

you know, something special,

and if she likes it, bingo, that F is gone.


- What kind of project?


- Well, something from American History,

just like your test.


- Boy, I hope I can think of something.


- I'm sure you will and we'll be there to help you.


- Really?


- You bet.

Hey, it's like the Three Musketeers.

One for all and all for one.


- Yeah, I love those little guys, especially Annette.

[audience laughs]


- Okay, here it is, my special project.

Ta
-da!

It's my diorama.

What you see before your very own eyes

is a three
-dimensional recreation of life

mounted in a shoebox.


- Oh, it's wonderful.


- I tried to get all the details right.


- You got all the details right, champ, right, Katherine?


- Oh yeah, great details, just great.


- I just hope everyone can tell what it is.


- It's, I know, it's, go on, Katherine, go on.

I don't wanna spoil it for you.

You tell him what it is.


- Thank you, George.
- We know.


- Okay, now what we have here is a diorama.

It's a wonderful diorama with fella.


- [Webster] Yeah.


- And a book.


- A Bible.

See, I even wrote it out, B
-I
-B
-L
-E.


- Good penmanship too, okay.

So now this is a fellow with his pipe cleaner on the Bible.


- No, that's his hand.


- Oh, oh, oh, and another pipe cleaner

swearing in the man with the pipe cleaner hand.


- That's it.


- Keep going, Katherine, you're on a roll.


- Now, why would one pipe cleaner swear in a guy

with a pipe cleaner hand

unless he was swearing in the president?


- That's ridiculous.


- That's it!
- That's it?


- That's it! Yay, Katherine.

It's the swearing end of the president.


- The first president?
- Ha!

Of course, it wouldn't be the seventh

or the ninth President

if you could go for numero uno, ha ha!


- You could really tell?


- Absolutely, the powdered wig was a dead giveaway.


- I put talc on a cotton ball.


- Well, that was a very smart thing to do.


- Yes, it was, wasn't it?


- Yes, it was.

Well, I think this is an A in any class.


- You bet, I'm real proud of you, champ.


- Oh, those blueprints are wonderful.


- My Bill is a wonderful draftsman.


- Yes, I am. [audience laughs]

If you'll cop a glance over here,

you'll see that I'm also planning to build

a tree house for somebody, if you catch my drift.


- Oh, thanks, Bill, I love tree houses.

[audience laughs]


- He's referring to Webster.


- It's okay, it's a big tree.

So is Webster any happier?


- What do you mean is Webster any happier?

He's the happiest kid I know.


- No, Cassie, I don't think he is.

Of course, that's what happens when children are pushed

into areas that they're not ready for.


- I'd beg to differ with you, Katherine.

If we don't push our own children,

whose children are we gonna push?


- You're darn right.

Pushing a kid is a parent's job.

It's the American way.

[audience laughs]


- Hey.

What the heck happened to you?


- Oh my.


- Jack Wayne laughed at me in class

and then he pushed me around in the schoolyard.


- Why?


- Same reason all the other kids laughed at me, my diorama.


- That's ridiculous.

Why would anyone laugh at your diorama?


- I don't know, I thought it was pretty good.


- It is.


- Yeah, and I even got all the details right.


- Well, you sure did.


- I even got the first president's hair right.


- Right.


- I mean that's exactly how John Hanson looked.


- You betcha.

I got a dollar right here that proves.

Who's John Hanson?


- That's what teacher said

then that's when all the kids started to laugh.

See, they thought George Washington

was the first president.


- How dare they? [audience laughs]


- George Washington was the first president.


- I thought so, too,

'till I borrowed that book from Bill and Cassie.


- What kind of books are you giving my kid?


- Good educational reading material.

Same kind I gave all my students.


- I thought you were a shop teacher.


- Yes, but in my shop class,

I never passed a student unless he could read.


- But what kind of book says that John Hanson

was the first president of the United States of America?


- An historically accurate one.

John Hanson was elected president

right after the American Revolution.

His title was President of the United States

in Congress Assembled.


- Yeah, Washington wasn't elected

'till they signed the Constitution.


- Good going, kiddo.


- I wish my teacher knew that.


- Well, why don't you take that book in tomorrow

and show it to her, and thank you.


- Bill, let's leave the Papadapoli alone.

We'll come back for the blueprints later.


- And by the way, George, I know what you're thinking,

but you don't have to apologize, believe me.

Although a basket of fruit might be nice.


- Why would you think that I was thinking of apologizing?


- Because I know that you're an honest,

decent man of integrity.


- I'm sorry, Bill. [audience laughs]


- And if you are thinking

of going through with a basket of fruit, throw in a peach.

Make it a cling.

It's Detective Spinelli's favorite.

[audience laughs]


- Well.


- Know what, guys?

First thing I'm gonna do tomorrow is bring that book

to school and show everyone how smart I am,

especially, Jack Wayne.


- Well, it isn't nice to gloat, but you can smile a lot,

and if you want, you can go back to your old class.


- I can? You really mean it?


- It's your choice.


- George,

I don't mean to disappoint you,

but I miss all my friends

and I miss playing baseball after school

and now all the kids will know I'm not dumb

because I knew about John Hanson.


- Well.


- Yeah?


- It's okay.


- Thank you, guys.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[audience laughs]


- George, I got a little something for you,

and if you're really nice,

I'll let you wear it tonight

and I'll even call you Chubby!

[audience laughs]


- It's Cubby.

[audience laughs]

[Katherine imitating mouse squeaking]


- Webster.
- Will be back.


- In a moment. [Webster giggles]

You know what, Tommy Turner didn't disappear after all.

He was in Germany with the measles.


- Oh, you mean you had German measles?


- Yeah, that. [audience laughs]

And he loved being in rapid advancement class.


- I guess you and Tommy like different things.


- Yeah, but we both smart, right?


- You betcha.


- Okay, smart guy, answer me this one.

Where is Webster Long's most ticklish spot?


- That's easy, on his left arm.

[audience laughs]

[lively music] ["Webster" theme music]

[dramatic music]