02x04 - Knock, Knock

[bunniefuu]

- Here's your fortune cookie and yours.


- [George] Thank you.


- "You are sitting on an egg roll".

That's silly, Ma'am, I'm not sitting on an egg roll.


- Ooh!

Ooh!

I think that one's for me.

[audience laughing]

[Webster laughing]

[upbeat music]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time ♪

♪ Just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh hoo hoo ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh hoo hoo ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in line sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ And me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ And me and you ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ And me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

[upbeat music]


- Come on you suckers, it's the th time this week!

I want you out of there and I mean now.

[audience laughing]


- Katherine, relax!


- How can I relax?

My buns are stuck.


- They look pretty fine to me.

[George and audience laughing]


- Very funny.


- Katherine, Katherine, Katherine,

you're being too hard on yourself!

Even Julia Child would have a hard time

making "Ready
-made Buns.

Just open package and serve".

[audience laughing]


- Oh well, that's it.

So much for "Cooking with Katherine".


- Well, I liked cooking with Katherine last night, Darling.

[audience laughing] You were incredible.


- Oh, well you weren't too bad yourself, Greek boy.

[audience laughing] [George laughing]

Standing on that chair, doing that sexy dance,

"Opa! Opa!".

[audience laughing]


- [Webster] Hi guys, can I have a fudgesickle?


- For breakfast?


- It's for me, not for Webster, please, please, please.

[audience laughing]


- No, no, no.


- Sorry, I tried Mr. Spielberg.

[audience laughing]


- It's a great
-looking robot, you got there, nice job.


- It wasn't just me,

Charlene and I put him together, together.


- Oh, sounds like you and Charlie are quite a team.


- Yep.

We never fight and we both love Scotch tape.

We're best friends.


- I thought Curtis was your best friend?


- He was, until Phil gave him a garbage bag and a dollar,

now he only likes Phil.

Do we have any garbage bags?

[audience laughing]


- Webster, what is this bandaid doing on your neck?


- Oh, nothing.

Last night when I was sleeping with my robot

I rolled over on his nose.

[audience laughing]


- Oh, Sweetheart, that must have hurt.

Why didn't you come to us for some help?


- I did, but you looked pretty busy

when I went into your bedroom.

[audience laughing]


- Uh, you were in our bedroom last night?


- Yeah, and so were you.

[audience laughing]


- Um, and you say we looked busy?


- Yeah, very busy.

[audience laughing]


- What were we busy doing?


- Stuff.


- Webb, was either, either of us uh,

wearing eyeglasses?


- Nope.

[audience laughing]


- Oh, my God.

[audience laughing]
- George!


- Are you guys all right?


- Maybe.

I mean, I think fine.


- Okay, I think Mr. Spielberg has to

go to the you know where, to do you know what.

[audience laughing]


- Well, that's it, Katherine, from now on

I'm padlocking my pajamas and you're sleeping out here.

[audience laughing]


- Now, let's not get crazy.

Honey, maybe we weren't doing what we think we were doing.


- Come on, Katherine, it was Friday night!

[audience laughing]


- Well may... maybe we were on a break.

[audience laughing]
- Do I have to repeat myself?


- Friday night, Katherine!
- All right,


- so maybe he did see, but he, oh well,

he probably wouldn't understand what was happening.


- Oh, Katherine, he understood what's happening,

just like I understood what's happening when I was his age.


- You walked in on your parents while they were..?


- Yes, and my father was furious.


- What did he say?


- "Your mother's a saint, you didn't see anything!"

[audience laughing]


- Well, Honey, we can't bury our heads in the sand.


- Oh, yes we can, it's easy.


- You mean..?


- Yes, we'll lie through our teeth.


- No, we won't, we will go in there

and ask him exactly what he saw!

Come on!


- Oh no, wait a minute, wait a minute,

I just happened to have a little coin here,

we'll flip to see who goes in.


- George!
- Heads, or tails?


- Come on.


- Oh, come on.
- Come on.


- All right, we'll go together,

but we're gonna be tactful,


- Yes, we will be tactful.
- and oblique.


- We'll be very oblique.


- And one more thing, Darling,

just don't use our real names.

[audience laughing]

Please!


- Webb, can we talk?


- Problem?


- No, no, no, there's no problem,

we just wanted to come in here and say, "Hi", chat a little.


- Problem.


- Uh, Webster, Honey,

um, when you came in our room last night,

what exactly did you see?


- That's oblique?

[audience laughing] Come on.

Listen, if you can't remember, it's okay.


- No, I remember.


- Good.


- Ma'am was laying in bed and George,

he was standing on a chair.

[audience laughing]


- Well, I can explain that.


- You were changing the light bulb, right?


- Yeah, yeah.

I was changing the light bulb, did you hear that, Katherine?

Yeah, it's terrific.


- Yeah, it is terrific,

since none of the light bulbs were out.


- Well yeah, well that's a good thing

to say to me right now, at this point

and uh, you know, I like, I like to change light bulbs.

I'm not talking about ordinary light bulbs,

I'm talking about
-way frosteds.

[audience laughing]


- There's just one thing I don't understand.


- sh**t.


- How come you were naked?

[audience laughing]


- Getting nervous again, are we?


- Problem?


- No, that's not a problem, just that you know,

you saw something you weren't supposed to see.


- I did?


- No, you didn't.

No, there is nothing wrong with a boy seeing a parent naked.


- Good, 'cause I saw you naked, too.

[audience laughing]


- Oh.


- Your mother's a saint, you didn't see anything!

[audience laughing]

I'm sorry, that just slipped out, I guess.

[audience laughing]


- So, I did see something bad?


- No, Honey, you didn't see anything bad.

[Katherine sighing]

The human body is, is, it's beautiful,

it's like a work of art.


- You mean like the statues we saw at the museum?


- Yeah!

That's right, exactly, yes.


- Wait a minute, you took them to see unclothed statues?

[audience laughing]
- Don't worry, George,


- some of them were wearing fig leaves.


- How big?


- George! [audience laughing]

So Webster, um, God gave everyone bodies

and even though they're all different,

they're all beautiful.


- Even when they're naked?


- Webster, we weren't naked, we weren't naked,

[audience laughing] we had our,

we had our birthday suits on.


- That was a suit?

[audience laughing]


- No, that was an expression.


- Do you like getting into your birthday suits together?


- Not anymore. [audience laughing]


- Webster, when two people care about each other

the way George and I do, getting naked
-


- Katherine, please. [audience laughing]


- Getting into your birthday suit,

is a way of showing that you care.

You know, it's a way of, of being close.


- That sounds nice.


- It is nice.


- Wow!

Well, I gotta go find an arm for Mr. Spielberg, excuse me.


- Certainly.

[audience laughing]


- Oh, Katherine and people say being a parent is tough.

[George laughing]

Oh, it seems pretty easy to me, Katherine.

[audience laughing]

[soft music]


- I am a robot, I help people think,

I helped some people get an "A" on their science project.

Oh, my, Ms. Braverman, what a pretty dress you're wearing.

Now, I'll get back to the report.


- Yay, we did it, we did it!


- Charlene, you're the best science partner I've ever had

and my bestest friend.


- If we wanna be real bestest friends,

we have to do something special together.


- Like what?


- We could spit out the window together.

[audience laughing]


- No, last time I spit out the window, I forgot to open it.

[audience laughing]

Boy, was Ma'am mad!


- Well, we have to do something.


- Well, we can do what Ma'am and George do

when they like each other.

[audience laughing]


- What's that?


- They get into their birthday suits.

[audience laughing]


- They do?


- They said it's a nice thing to do

and they know everything about everything.


- Okay.


- Wait, I'm going to need a chair and a
-way frosted bulb.

[audience laughing]


- That's weird.


- You wanna do this thing right or what?


- Okay, okay, come on, we'll go into my room.


- This birthday suit stuff is gonna be fun!

[audience laughing]

[doorbell ringing]


- [Irene] Coming!


- Katherine, George,
- Hi, Irene.


- come on in.


- Sorry, we're late, the concert ran a little long.

Is Webster ready?


- Oh, that Webster is such a lovely boy,

the two of you must be so proud of him.


- Oh, yes, but you know,

what are children if not a reflection of ourselves?


- Yeah. [audience laughing]

Yep, the acorn don't fall far from the tree.


- And wait 'till you see how they're playing together,

so nicely.


- Oh, good.


- In fact, I've gotta get a picture of this.

[audience laughing]

The innocence of youth.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[audience laughing]

[comical music]

[soft music]


- Ma'am, did I really do a bad thing?


- No.


- Yes.


- Yes!
- No!

[audience laughing]


- Webster, George and I have a few things to sort out,

would you please go in your room

and play for a little while?


- Okay.


- Don't climb up on any chairs, or change any light bulbs.

[audience laughing]


- George, please, he's confused enough!


- Oh, and I'm not?


- Oh, who said you're not?

You're very confused, you think that he did something wrong.


- Oh, well then, Katherine, let me,

let me ask you something.

Do you think talking a little girl

into taking her clothes off is all right?


- Huh, huh?
- Yes.


- No, I, I don't know.


- It certainly clarifies everything.


- Nothing terrible happened, Webster took his shirt off and,

and Charlie was taking off her sneaker.


- One sneaker leads to another!


- George, it was all done in innocence.


- Well, then why don't you tell that to Charlie's mother?


- Yeah, Irene did take it a little hard.


- A little hard?

She took my driver's license, she wanted to fingerprint me!

[audience laughing]


- Honey, you're exaggerating again

and can we just forget about Irene?

Do you honestly think that Webster did anything wrong?


- No I,

I just dunno how to handle this.


- Who said parenting was easy?


- Me.

[audience laughing]


- Well, let's go in and talk to him.


- No, wait a minute, wait a minute.


- Ma'am, George, what's gonna happen?

Is Charlene's mother ever gonna stop hating me?

[doorbell ringing]


- Who is it?


- [Charlene] Charlie.


- Ha
-ha.

Did we tell you, huh?

There is Charlene right now,

coming to play just like she always does.

Come on in, Charlie.


- I'm not allowed, Webster's a bad influence.

[audience laughing]


- What?


- My mommy says, boys and girls

shouldn't wear birthday suits together,

unless they're married.

Anyway, here's your half of Mr. Spielberg.


- Wait, Charlene, you can't go, we're best friends!


- Not anymore, you got me into trouble, Webster Long,

goodbye forever.


- This is the worst day of my life,

she's never gonna be my friend again!


- Oh, Honey, I'm sure Charlene will change her mind.


- Yeah, just like you were sure about that naked stuff.


- Webster, that word.


- Naked, naked, naked!

You said it was good, Charlene's mother said it was bad!


- Honey, it's not one thing, or the other,

it, it, it depends on the circumstances.


- I don't know what that means and I don't wanna know!


- Now, wait a minute, now wait, just calm down.

We can explain everything, just listen.


- I did listen to you, this morning,

and then I lost my bestest friend.

And I thought parents knew everything!


- Oh, that Irene.

Katherine, now he doesn't trust us.


- Unless maybe we can get Charlie and Webster

back together again.


- What about Irene?


- I think if we went and talked to her,

maybe we could work it out.


- You think so?


- It's worth a try.


- Okay, let's go.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Who's going, who's gonna watch Webb?

[knocking at front door]


- Hidey
-ho!


- Jerry, how fortuitous!


- Look, I was wondering if I could borrow a set of screw
-


- Anything you want, certainly.

Oh, and look after Webster, we won't be gone long.


- No but, but I can't, I, I, I've got a health club to run,

I, I've got muscles to tone, fat to melt!

George?

Katherine!

[audience laughing]

[soft music]

Maybe I'm not here. [audience laughing]

So, I come up here to borrow a screwdriver

to pry Mrs. Silverman out of the sauna

and I wind up here, coloring with you.


- You don't wanna be my friend neither, do you Jerry?


- What are you talking about?

Have you been losing friends?


- They're dropping like flies.

[audience laughing]


- Well, I am not dropping anywhere,

you and I are friends for life!


- Thanks, Jerry.

Jerry, have you ever lost a friend?


- Well, actually I did lose a close friend once,

Sissy Mickelmeyer, I haven't thought about her in years.


- How did you lose her?


- Oh, we were young, she wanted to get married

and I did something very stupid.


- What did you do?


- I started dating her sister.

[audience laughing]


- Did Sissy get mad?


- Oh yes, but not as mad as Mr. Mickelmeyer.

He took out a hunting license and declared me in season.

[audience laughing]


- Wow!

What did you do?


- Well, after I healed, I begged Sissy's forgiveness.

I ran to her apartment,

armed with her favorite bouquet of flowers

and I asked her to marry me.


- You did?


- Oh, I sure did.

I got a pillow, I put it right down on the floor,

I got down on one knee and I asked her for her hand.


- What about the rest of her?


- Oh, that generally comes along with a package.

[audience laughing]


- Was Sissy's mother happy?


- Have you ever seen, "Queen for a Day"?


- Huh?


- Her mother was ecstatic!

But alas, it wasn't meant to be.

Well, Sissy said, "Thank you", but "No".

I guess I waited too long, unfortunately.


- Thanks, Jerry, you're a real friend.

And you know what?


- What?


- I think Sissy made a big mistake.


- Irene, give me a moment here, we are not libertines.

I mean, it was a simple misunderstanding

and I really don't think the children should suffer.


- Katherine, I'm not trying to tell you

how to raise your son,

I just don't want my daughter exposed to him,

or vice versa, if you get my drift.

[audience laughing]


- What if we get him a trench coat?

Come on, Katherine, you can't reason with this woman,

let's go.


- You're right,

we shouldn't take up any more of Irene's time.


- [Irene] Thank you.


- Wait a minute, what are you doing here?


- I came to talk to Charlene.

Please, Ms. Chambers, it'll only take a minute

and then I'll go right home.


- Well...


- Webster Long, you're not supposed to be here!


- I know, but I think I know

how to make everything okay again.


- You do?


- I wanted to get you roses,

but these were the only bouquet I could find.

[audience laughing]


- Those are my good carrots.


- We'll get you other carrots.

[audience laughing]


- Can I have your hand?


- Why?


- Ah, Webster, what are you doing now?

[audience laughing]


- Well, I have to have her hand, if we're gonna get married.


- Married?

So, now it's marriage, George?


- Oh geez, we forgot to tell you,

it's gonna be a small reception.

[audience laughing]


- Aren't we too young to get married?


- That's what Jerry thought and then it was too late,

he lost his bestest friend.

I don't wanna lose you, Charlene.

Your mommy said we wouldn't have done a bad thing,

if we were married, so let's get married now!

And don't worry, Ms. Chambers,

I'll take great care of Charlene.

And I'll protect her from Raymond Selzer,

who always pulls her hair and yell, "Ding dong".

[audience laughing]

And, I'll do anything in the whole world,

if you just let us be friends again.


- I'm speechless.

What's a person to say?


- I do.

[audience laughing] [dramatic music]


- She does!

Katherine and George, she does!

She does!

She does!

Yeah! [audience cheering]

[dramatic music]


- Webster...
- ...will be back...


- ...in a moment. [Webster laughing]


- Okay now, now we're having this meeting

to set up rules and regulations,

some security measures, if you get my drift.

[audience laughing]


- Security measures?


- Honey, what George is trying to say

is that it would be a good idea to knock,

before you come in our bedroom.


- Amen.


- Okay.


- Good night.


- Okay, now so, I'm gonna give you a signal,

so then when you knock with this signal,

we'll know who it is, okay?

Here it is.

[George drumming]

[audience laughing]


- George, with a signal like that

he'll need six months of drum lessons.

[audience laughing]


- Yeah, and anyway, if I knock it could only be me,

'cause I'm the only other guy who lives here.


- Back to you, Jean Cooper.

[audience laughing]


- What do you suggest?


- What about knock, knock?

[Webster knocking]

[George knocking]


- Like that, that's it?

It's, it's a little simple.

[George knocking]

It doesn't have any pizzazz,

but I mean if that's, it's not very theatrical.

It's just,

[George knocking]

it's not very much, I, I like the uh...

[George drumming]

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[soft music]

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]