02x07 - You Can't Go Home Again

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music]


- Come on, champ, it's time to hit the sack.

The party's over.


- Okay.


- [George] What are you doing?


- Well, you know how you and Mam always

tell me to keep my socks off the floor.


- Yeah.


- Well...

[audience laughing]

[George chuckling]


- I like that.

[Webster giggling] [audience laughing]

[lively theme music]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Loosing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more than I want to ♪

♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Oh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Oh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you, then came ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and then came you ♪

[lively energetic music]

[energetic exercise music playing]


- I was safe by a mile.


- You were out.
- Safe.


- Out.
- Safe.


- Out.
- Safe!

Mam, George threw me out of the game.


- [Katherine] What?


- He kicked dirt on me.


- That's what you're supposed to do

when umps make bad calls.


- That's great, we're raising

another Billy Martin, Katherine.

[audience laughing] Do I have any mail?


- No. How did you become the umpire?

I thought you were supposed to be

playing in a father son game.


- Yeah, like the other fathers.


- Well, those other fathers were doctors

and lawyers and tax consultants.

Katherine, I'm a professional athlete, okay?

I mean, can you imagine me sliding into

a certified public accountant?

I'd damage his digits!

[audience laughing]


- I told all the other kids how great you are.

Now they all think I'm a liar.


- Sorry to disappoint you like that.

Are you sure this is all the mail, darling?


- Yes.


- That's my "Humpty Dumpty".

And I'm reading it first this time.

[audience laughing]


- Boy, is he tough. [Katherine sighs]

How about special deliveries, telegrams?


- [sighs] No.

Are you expecting something?


- No, nothing.

How about telexes, cables, phone calls?


- Nope, nope, nope.

Oh, wait a minute.

Yeah, you got a call from a man named Larry Winchester.


- Larry Winchester? Whoo.

The Chicago Warriors.


- What are Chicago Warriors?


- A new football team.

And, boy, are they bad.

They've been loosing all season.


- They sure have.

[George chuckling] [audience laughing]


- That makes you happy?


- Katherine, are you sitting down?


- Very comfortably, thank you.


- Fine,

because I have a story that's gonna break you up.

[George chuckling] [Katherine laughs]


- Go ahead, fracture me.


- Well, this Winchester,

we play hand ball together,

you know, four wall handball,

bop, bop, bop, bop.

[everyone chuckling]

Well, anyway, he coaches the Warriors, you know?


- [laughs] I'm with you so far.

[George chuckling] [Webster laughing]


- Well, anyway, they're playing so bad, Katherine,

I mean, so bad,

[George chuckling] [Webster chuckling]

that they want me to play for them.

[Katherine laughs hysterically]

[audience laughing]

I didn't think it was...

I didn't think it was that funny, Katherine.

[audience laughing] [Katherine laughing]


- George, it's hysterical.

You've been out of the game for years!

[audience laughing]


- I can't wait to tell all the other kids

George is playing football again.

Yay!

[audience laughing]


- [laughs] You can't be serious, hmm?


- No.


- Oh.


- I mean, I'm flattered that

the Warriors want me to play football for them.

But I'm gonna tell them no.

[somber music]

[gentle music]


- Cass, just leave the paper,

and let's get out of here.


- Yes, dear.

Oh, good morning, Katherine.

Your coffee's already poured.

And we've taken the liberty of bringing you a newspaper.


- Oh.

Why?


- Well, we're landlords who care.

Let's go.


- Yes, dear.

We're going to the antiques auction

to bid on Neo
-Victorian toilet fixtures.

My Bill is an expert on the subject.


- Yes, I am.

Cass, if I miss out on that onyx commode
-
-


- Wait.

Catherine, read this.


- "Ex
-football player, George Papadapolis

"on su1c1de comeback mission."


- Is it true?


- Oh, no.

[coughs] No.

No, he went down to have breakfast with the team

to tell them that he wasn't gonna play.


- And Webster Long fakes to his left.

Hi, Mam.

He cuts back to his right.

Hi, Cassie.

And he makes a run into...

Hi, Bill.

The backyard where he's allowed to play football.

Watch him walk very nicely out of the house

where he is not allowed to play football.


- Webster, would you come here, please?

[audience laughing]

Why are you wearing that costume?


- I was working out with George

before he went to his breakfast meeting.


- George was working out?


- Sure, you have to work out

if you're gonna play football again.

Well, see you.


- I don't believe it.

[audience laughing]


- Talk him out of it.

Can't you talk him out of it?

You'll I'll talk him out of it.


- Cass, you should know better than that.

Remember when I was running for recording secretary

of the bowling league?

You were totally against it.


- Well, the public appearance schedule was a k*ller.

[audience laughing]


- No two ways about it.

But the point is it took another bowler, a peer,

someone who'd been there, to change my mind.


- A peer, huh?


- Well, we're off.


- Listen, if you need anything,

well, we're in your corner.

And so is the commode.


- Cass, that was going to be a surprise.

[audience laughing]


- The commode is a surprise?


- All right, call me sentimental.

[audience laughing]

That onyx toilet is for you.


- Oh, thank you.


- Ta.
- Bye.

[light pensive music]

[gentle music]

The rolls in oven.


- Hello, darling.
- Hi, honey.


- Yay!

George, you're home!

And now that you're a Chicago Warrior, you know what?

I told all my friends.

And I started a fan club.

And I already have $. in dues.


- Webster, would you please finish

setting the dining room table?


- Sure.

Oh, yeah, Raymond Seltzer wants to know

if you'll autograph his sister.

[audience laughing]


- Well, I'll think on it.


- Oh, and Ralph Polk wants you to be his father.

[audience laughing]


- George, George, George.


- Katherine, Katherine, Katherine.

[audience laughing]


- So what did you tell the team?


- Well...


- Did you say no?


- Well, not in so many words.


- Well, how many words does it take to say no?


- They bought me breakfast.


- Oh, well, then you couldn't possibly say no.

George, they're using you to sell tickets.

It's like a circus.

It's a clown they want not a football player.


- Well, that's not true, Katherine.

The Chicago Warriors want me

because they think I can do the job.


- Well, what do you think?

[doorbell ringing]


- I'll get it.

I'll get it!

I got it!

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Wow!

You're Frank Gifford

Wow!


- Frank, how good to see you.

What are you doing here?


- Hi, George.

Katherine asked me for dinner.


- Hi.


- Hi, Katherine.
- Whoo!


- How nice.


- I'm Webster Long.


- Well, nice to meet you, Webster.


- Come on in.

Come on, sit down.

I'll get Frescas.


- Let's talk football.


- It's not gonna work, Katherine.


- Why, whatever are you talking about?


- You brought him down here

so he could talk me out of it.


- Oh.
- You see,

you're on the wrong track.

Frank and I are simpatico.

I know exactly what he's gonna say.


- You're out of your mind, George.

I mean, you've got to be nuts.

[audience laughing]


- Gee, Giff, if you have any strong feelings about this,

let me know. [audience laughing]


- George, you can't go back to playing football.


- Frank,

do you know how much money they wanna pay me

for the last two games of the season, the last two Sundays?

More money than I made in years in professional football.


- That can't be the reason, George.

We missed out on all the big bucks.

That's history.

I know.

You got problems here at home.


- Huh?


- You and Katherine?


- Oh, no, there's nothing wrong with Katherine and me.


- Something has got to be wrong somewhere

or else you wouldn't be trying to k*ll yourself.

Could I have another demitasse.

[audience laughing]


- Webster?

[grunting] What is all this stuff?


- Just some stuff my friends want George to autograph.


- Boxer shorts?


- They belong to George.

Anyway, I'm selling them to Arnie Bibbet for $..

[audience laughing]

Okay, I'll give it to him for free.

But he's not getting the socks.


- Look at you.

You're merchandising your father.

[audience laughing] [Katherine laughs]


- All right, it isn't just the money.

It's getting out on that football field

and hearing your name echo throughout the stadium,

"Papadapolis! Papadapolis!"

Do you remember how excited we were when we'd

run back to the locker room after a big game?

Remember all the fun and the camaraderie, Frank?


- I remember a lot of sweaty guys

snapping each other with wet towels.

[audience laughing]


- So you do miss it.

[audience laughing]


- George, you can't go home again.

[audience laughing]


- Because as you get older,

there are certain things you can't do.


- But that's not true.

George is big and strong.

He can do whatever he wants to do.

And if you don't believe me,

we can go ask him right now.


- Okay, you're on.

Come on, sweetheart.

George, I think it's time

that you broke the news to Webster.

Right, Frank?


- Web, Katherine,

Frank and I have discussed this

and, um, he makes a lot of sense.

But what the hell?

I'm gonna play football.


- Yay!

[gentle music] [audience laughing]

[George chuckles] [audience laughing]

[gentle music]


- And Papadapolis intercepts!

He's gone on his way!

He's to the , the , the !

He only has one more person to elude!

[audience laughs] Yow! Yow!

He scores!

Katherine, he scored.

[audience laughing]

You still mad, huh?

Katherine, you just can't sit here

stewing in your own juices.

And that's what you're doing.

You're stewing in your own juices.

[audience chuckles]

You mad 'cause I'm gonna play football?


- You have a firm grasp of the obvious.

[audience laughing]


- Good.

That was good, darling.

You see how we're starting to communicate, huh?

It's great you're getting it all out.

First it was monologue.

Now it's dialogue, sweetheart.


- Call me when it's epilogue.

[audience laughing] [knocking on door]


- [Webster] Mam, George, can I come in?


- Sure.


- [Katherine] Webster, you should be asleep by now.


- I know.

I wanna give you something for good luck, George.


- I hope it's a Medicare card.

[audience laughing]


- This is my daddy's football gear.

I want you to have it.


- Oh, Web, that's sweet.

But I'm afraid there isn't anything in there

that can fit me.


- There must be something.

Oh.

See.

Look.

Good as new.


- [laughs] I wouldn't know what to do with one shoe.


- May I offer a suggestion?

[audience laughing]


- Oh, how about this?

It says for support,

but it looks like a sling sh*t.

[audience laughing] [George chuckling]


- No, no, let's keep that in there.

I already have a slingshot.

[George chuckling] [audience laughing]

I think you better hit the sack.

We got a big day tomorrow.


- But I don't have anything to give you for good luck.


- Well, why don't you just give me your good thoughts?


- That's a great idea!

And here you can use this to keep them in.


- Oh, thanks, son.


- I can't wait for tomorrow to come.

Goodnight.
- Goodnight.


- Did you see how excited he was?


- Are you doing this for Webster?


- Of course, I'm doing it for Webster, darling.

Did you see that cute little face?


- George.


- Okay, so I'm doing it for myself.


- Right.


- It's my life and my decision.

[gentle music]


- Boy, morning practice was really exciting.

How do you feel?


- Well, I feel fine.

Look, Web, why don't you sit over here for a minute?

I'll be right back.

Lar?
- Yeah.


- Hey, Gramps, we were just talking about you.


- Oh, Giff.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I get it, a human interest story, right?


- I don't know how to break this to you,

but there is no story in watching

a senior citizen humiliate himself.

[audience laughing]

Now, if you get yourself k*lled,

we've got something to talk about.


- No thanks, Frank. [chuckling]


- No, I'm just here to offer a little moral support, dummy.

I wanted to watch this afternoon's practice session.

I know you guys have things to talk about.

I'll see you on the field.

You be careful.


- How do you feel, George?


- Well, I'm a little stiff,

but I'm okay.


- Listen, I'm sorry about the double practice session.

But, uh, no practice, no win.

No win, no franchise.

Look, I don't particularly like this.

But the front office wants to have some publicity photos.

They wanna get all the hype they can about your comeback.


- Well, that's the way you sell tickets.

[audience laughing]

What the hell's that?


- Chucky Chipmunk, the team mascot.

They want to get a couple of sh*ts of you and Chucky.

[George laughing] [audience laughing]


- No problem.


- Chasing each other through the stands at halftime.


- That's a problem. [audience laughing]


- I know.

I'll try to talk to them, George.

[telephone ringing]

Excuse me, George. Here.

Hello?

Yeah.


- Hey, Coach?

[coach speaking faintly on phone]

Hey, George.


- Roger.


- Hey, I got to tell you,

you were really okay out there today.


- Okay?


- Yeah, I should know.

You were knocking my passes down all morning.

Hey, it is really a pleasure playing with you, man.

I mean, my father was your biggest fan.

[audience laughing]

He used to tell me how great you were,

and you must have been, because, I'll tell you,

you're not half as bad as I thought you'd be.

You might even help us.

But even if you don't,

just knowing that you're out there

with us is a great morale booster.

And I mean that.

[coach speaks faintly on phone]

Catch you later, Coach.

[gentle music]


- I still can't believe Papadapolis is gonna play again.

If he thinks he's gone make a comeback over me,

I'm gonna knock his head of.


- Yeah, the guy could get k*lled out there.

You'd think somebody would stop him,

his friends, family.


- Win one for the Gipper, boys!

[audience laughing]

[Katherine mouthing words softly]

[people chatting softly nearby]

George, are you in there?


- Mam, you shouldn't be in a men's locker room.


- Webster, trust me.

I am no stranger to men's locker rooms.

[audience laughing]


- Huh?
- Nothing.

Nothing, honey.

[audience laughing]

[Katherine sighing]


- Mam, I'm worried about George.

You said he could get hurt.

And those players that just went by,

they said the same thing.


- Well, we just have to hope

that George knows what he's doing.


- But what if he doesn't?

[George growling]

[George chuckles]


- Um,

how do you feel?


- My age.

Katherine, I'm hurting in places

I never thought I had before.


- George, please don't go out there.


- I thought you wanted me to play football.


- So did I.

But then they said you could get hurt.

And I'd die if you got hurt.

And I don't care of Ralph Polk

doesn't want you to be his father anymore.

I want you to be my father, George.

I love you.

Please don't go out there, George.

Please.


- Okay.


- Okay?


- Okay? [audience laughing]


- Okay.


- Thanks, George.


- Wait a minute he hasn't even used his best material yet.


- Yeah. [audience laughing]


- Well, sweetheart, you know how upset Webster is.

And you've been against this from the start.

So come on, we'll catch an early show,

and we'll be on our way.


- Wait a minute are you saying you're doing this for us?

Papadapolis, you're full of it.


- No, darling, I'm not that noble.

I'm doing it for me.

And it has nothing to do with publicity stunts.

I mean, that's part of the business.

If I have to dance with Chucky Chipmunk,

well, that comes with the territory.


- You were gonna dance with Chucky Chipmunk?

Wow! [audience laughing]


- Well, what changed your mind?


- That kid, Katherine,

a
-year
-old quarterback.

He said I wasn't half as bad as he thought I'd be.

Called me a morale booster.

I'm not a morale booster, Katherine.

I'm a football player,

at least I used to be.

"Papadapolis! Papadapolis!"

They don't shout that 'cause you're

a morale booster, Katherine.

They shout that because you're great.

I used to be great, Katherine.


- You're still great, darling.

[gentle music]

You're just, um, a different great.

You're an older great,

a grayer great,

a softer great.

You're still great.


- Yeah.

Well, most people that need to go back to playing football,

well, they just haven't gone on with their lives.

I have a wonderful life, Katherine.

I have you and Web.


- I love you, George.


- I love you too.

[gentle music]


- Hey, guys, what about me?

[both chuckling]


- We didn't forget you.

Come on, let's go home.


- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go.


- Let's go.

Wow.

And Giff said you can't go home again.

[audience applauding]

[bright closing music]

Webster.
- Will be back.


- In a moment. [giggles]

George, there's something I didn't understand about today.


- What?

Something that went on in the field?


- Yeah.


- You see that, Katherine,

a father and his son talking about the old pig skin.

[George chuckles]


- That's the American dream.


- How come that cheerleader

wanted you to fluff her pom poms?

[audience laughing]


- It's a technical term.

Can you move now? [audience laughing]


- What cheerleader?


- Oh, nothing, darling.

He was talking about just a homely cheerleader.

I have to king him now.


- She wasn't homely.

She was beautiful. [audience laughing]


- How beautiful?


- Well...

[audience laughing]


- Let him speak.


- Not as beautiful as you, Mam.


- King him, George.

[audience laughing] [upbeat closing music]

[audience applauding] [upbeat closing music]

[lively instrumental theme music]

[bright theatrical music]