Third Finger, Left Hand (1940)

[bunniefuu]

Look, Steve,
you're a good printer,

but if you must express what
spring does to you in type,

put those forget-me-not
borders on some other magazine.

Try the editor of the mining
engineers monthly journal.

Martin, wire Chicago to
hold up publication one day.

Yes? Yes, send it in.
I'll ok it.

But look,
a day's delay...

Means I'll show the summer collection
a month ahead of the other magazines.

But the-

now, that's no trick

for a clever executive
like you, Martin.

You'll work it
out, I'm sure.

Yes,
Mrs. Merrick.

Yes?

Mr. Booth is
here now, Mrs. Merrick.

Have him come right in.

You can go right
in, Mr. Booth.

Thank you.

Hello, Philip.
Hello, margot.

Right on time, eh?
Yep.

Did you bring those
copyright waivers?

I certainly did.

Right here in my case.

Two copies for you
and two for the author.

You leave them here. I'll
check them over tonight.

Come in.

Oh, marton.

Mrs. Merrick, on behalf of
the staff, uh, we wanted to...

This is your first wedding
anniversary, and we...

Well, the guild got you a letter
opening set, and it's gold,

it's got your initials engraved on it,
and here it is, and I hope you like it.

Now, isn't that
sweet of them.

Margot, as long as the
subject's come up of itself,

don't you think
you ought to-

Philip, again?

Well, you've got
to take steps.

Isn't that nice?
Yes, it is.

You can't go on
being tied to a husband

who doesn't even care
enough to want to see you.

Oh, but he does.
I'm sure he does.

Well, he certainly has
a fine way of showing it.

Never seeing you all year,
wandering around foreign countries.

Philip, dear,
I'm trying to work.

Yes, I know,
but this is important.

Margot, he couldn't care
anything about you and stay away.

I got a letter from
him this morning

that will convince even
you how Tony feels about me.

That isn't the point.

I can't understand it.

How could you marry a man
that none of us have ever seen?

That you didn't
know anything about?

That nobody ever heard of?

Just like that, boom,
and you're Mrs. Tony merrick.

I don't understand
it myself sometimes.

But there I was alone in rio in April.

Very romantic.

Madly romantic.

It was raining.

Spring rain turning
the pavements blue.

I adore rain.

I detest it.
It gives me head colds.

And furthermore, if it was so
romantic, why did you leave him?

It stopped raining.

Margot, darling.

I can't let
you go on like this.

It's your life
I'm thinking-

Philip,

if you promise to
stop being jealous,

and go back to your law office
and let a weary woman work,

you can take
me out to dinner.

Tonight?

No, not tonight.
I'm busy.

Let's say
tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night. 8:30?

8:30.
Good-bye.

Bye.

Yes?

Hello, margot.

Oh, it's you.

You'd better be very
apologetic this morning,

my dear Mr. Winkel.

Oh, what's the matter?

You're in the doghouse
with me today, gussie.

I am? Why?

This last letter from
my wandering husband.

If you're going to go on
writing these valentines for me,

you'd better
be more careful.

What's wrong with it?

Oh, nothing. Only he's
supposed to be in south America.

And in the corner of the envelope,
there's a little note which reads:

"Schultz' butcher shop.
West 9th street.

Bring home
pot roast for Emily."

Well...

Uh, yes, check over
those proofs.

I'll be in and look
at them in a minute.

Come in.

Oh, hello, Beth.

Hello, margot.

Did you get the
interview with Fitzgerald?

No, I'm afraid I didn't.

Relax. Don't
look so worried.

Might happen
to anybody.

Hello, Mrs. Merrick's office.

I hear the braying
of the wolf.

It's hughie Wheeler. Will
you talk to him or shall I...

I'll talk to him.

Put him on, please.

Hello, hughie.

What?

Hughie, it's too early in the
morning to be in a barroom.

Margot, I'm celebrating.

I want you to hear
the news before anyone else.

I just got my final decree,

and I'm going on
a beautiful bender.

I'm going to stay on it until the
day you tell me you'll marry me.

I'd to see Tony first,

and I don't know where that elusive
spouse of mine is at the moment.

That's very simple.

Now listen. I'll call a detective
agency and they'll call you.

You tell them where to look,
and they'll find him,

and before you know it,
you're a divorced woman.

Off with the old
and on with the new.

Au revoir, margot.

So Fitzgerald wouldn't
be interviewed, hey?

He spent his time
trying to interview me.

Cigarette?
Thank you.

And I mean interview
- I was dodging him

from the minute I got in till I got out.

Why, he made more passes
than a Harvard halfback.

I don't know why it is,
but the wolf pack seems to think

that a woman in
business is fair game.

They do if
you're single.

But the minute they see that
"Mrs." in front of your name,

their attitude's
different.

You have to join the lodge.

Then you'll be able to wear the emblem
on the third finger of the left hand.

Yes?

Mr. and Mrs. Russell

are on their way in,
Mrs. Merrick.

The boss.
Uh-oh.

Good morning,
darling.

Morning, margot.
Sorry to break in like this.

Come right in.

I won't keep you
from work a minute.

I just wanted to find out if the new
installment of the Emerson novel came in.

Just got the proofs
this morning.

Well, Mrs. Russell
wants to read it.

She's been following
it in the magazine.

I just can't wait until the
next issue comes out to read it,

so I told Ralph to come
in and get me the proofs.

Here they are.
Good.

Is this the new staff
member you told me about?

Oh, yes. Beth,
this is Mr. Russell,

our publisher,
and Mrs. Russell.

How do you do?

I'm always glad to welcome a
talented new writer, miss Hampshire.

Thank you,
Mr. Russell.

Uh, we must have a chat.
Uh, real soon.

I always like to know what
my writers really want to do

so I can find the proper,
uh, niche for them.

Well, uh, we must
be running along.

Give my love to
your father and sister.

Ready, Ralph? We mustn't detain Mrs.
merrick from her work any longer.

Yes, of course. Well, good-bye,
miss Hampshire. Don't forget.

No, I won't,
Mr. Russell.

So nice to have met
you, miss Hampshire.

Don't forget, dear. You're
dining with us on Friday.

I'm looking forward to it.

Uh-huh. Come
along, Ralph.

Uh, well, good-bye.

Ralph, come along.

And the boss, too.

I'm afraid so. They're
all alike. It's male ego.

They can't believe an unmarried woman
has any reason for being in an office

except to meet men and
raise gleams in their eyes.

Cheer up, Beth. I'll let you
write fashions for a while.

Yes, yes. Very
well, I'll tell Mrs. Merrick.

Oh, miss Dell. Thank you
for the nice remembrance

and please tell everyone how
much I appreciate their thoughts.

I will, Mrs. Merrick.

Oh, they just telephoned
that miss Maxwell's boat

will dock at 11:00
tomorrow morning.

Pier 30 and her
stateroom is 4-c.

Thank you.

If anyone wants me,
I'll be in Mr. Winkel's office.

Hold still, children.

Keep your chin up.
Look at the bird.

Oh, that's fine.

Hold still. Thank you.

Now...

Oh, margot.

Well, we'll take the other
pictures a little later.

You go to the dressing room
and change your clothes.

You know the way, don't you?

Over there. Thank you.

Well, I, ahem.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's the matter,
gussie? You look worried.

Emily and the children
are all right, aren't they?

Oh, yes, yes.
They're fine.

Only I'm a little
worried about you.

Oh, don't be a pessimist;
I'm on top of the world.

Hello? Uh, excuse me.

Hello? Yes, this
is Mrs. Merrick.

Detective agency?

Uh, oh, yes. Hughie Wheeler told
me he's going to have you call.

Yes, I can give you
a description of him.

He's, uh,
rather slender.

Medium height.

Uh, narrow,
sensitive face.

Uh, hobby photography.

Rather foreign looking.

Uh, he always wears
little black nose glasses.

Uh, yes, and when
he's worried, he, um,

twiddles his moustache.

Yes, thank you.

Let me know
if you locate him.

I think if I put this...

Why, margot,

that's me!

You described me!

I certainly did. I had to
describe somebody, didn't I?

Why, what the...

Never mind.
It was only a prop.

I guess I worry for nothing.

But I'm not good as a liar.

Even my children would never believe
me when I dressed up as Santa claus.

Well, you just haven't got
the build for Santa claus.

Why not?

All I've asked you to do
is write few letters.

Oh, yes, I know.

But now comes lawyers
and detective agencies

and maybe all
kinds of trouble.

Oh, it's no crime to invent
an imaginary husband, gussie.

But if somebody
should find out,

it would be very bad
for you, margot.

Look, how long has any unmarried woman
lasted as editor of this magazine?

I know, I know.
But just the same...

The same nothing.

Have you forgotten that cable
you sent me in rio last April

telling me I've been
appointed editor?

You said, "regrets" at the end
of that cable if you'd remember

because you knew no one had
lasted more than a few months.

Yes, but I didn't think you
would come back with this story.

If I hadn't, how long do you think the
boss' wife would have taken to get me out?

Instead of that, she's my pal.

She knows Ralph will stay
away because I have a husband.

I like this job, gussie.

And that "Mrs." in front
of my name is job insurance.

And your family, if
they should find out-

your father,
your sister.

You father, he's so
old-fashioned about these things.

Very well. I supposed you'd like
it better if I had done nothing

and let a publisher's
jealous wife have me fired.

But-but no, margot.

You know I wouldn't
want that to happen.

It's all right, gussie. You don't
have to help me if you don't want to.

But I do.

Look here.

I've fixed another letter for you.

Aw.

I'm always willing
to help you.

But i'm
a little worried.

Why, this is
beautiful, gussie.

"And now in spring, with the sunlight
a spray of golden coins and champagne."

You wrote this?

Um, yes.

It's like poetry.

Meant for my dearest
I had many years ago

before
I was married.

I wanted to write
them to Emily.

We were engaged
7 years, you know.

But I never
wrote them.

Why not?

Well...

She lived in the same
building, downstairs.

Oh, ho ho ho, Gus.

You k*ll me.

What?

Oh, just...

Oh, Mr. Winkle.

Hello. You are fine.
How am I?

You're just the man
I want to see.

I'm in a big hurry.

Well, this will
only take a minute.

I just want $10 from you
for the office collection.

$10? What do you think,
marton? $10 grows on trees?

Well, what is
the collection for?

Oh, you know. The
present for Mrs. Merrick.

Present?

Oh, sure. For her
wedding anniversary.

Good idea,
don't you think?

Why, that's ridiculous.

She is not...

Oh, you mean her wedding
anniversary. Yes, of course.

Will you hold that a minute?

Let's give you the...

What? Ohh!

Sure, I guess you
just don't realize

how much a thing like
that means to a woman.

Oh, I realize
how much that means-

$10.

Uh, here.

Why, put some water
in the thing and...

Uh, do you know where I can
find miss Maxwell's cabin, 4-c?

I don't know.

Oh, well,
where's "c" deck?

Around there and
down, kind of.

Oh.

If it's all the same with
you, I'll stay here for a while.

I've got to arrange-

I don't care what
you've got to do.

You're coming up now
and sign your card.

Listen, are there 20 passengers
in line up there now? Yes.

And will each one of
them take 10 minutes? Yes.

So couldn't I wait down here just as well
as at the end of the line upstairs? Yes.

Oh, yeah?

Aw, listen, pal.

Suppose you had hoboed around
for years working on newspapers,

washing dishes, shucking oysters,
trying to paint, and you were broke.

And finally, you get Mr. Big to
look at your stuff. I'd let you stay.

Yes, but who would want to
look at this junk anyway?

Oh, nobody.

Just the head of
flandrin galleries.

Oh, an art expert, huh?

No. No, a locomotive repair man
I asked down to look at my watch.

The main spring's broken.

You don't say.

Now, listen, admiral. You
let me stay for half an hour

and I'll put in
a good word for you.

I've got orders
to bring you up now.

All right, Michelangelo.

Ohh!

I beg your pardon.

Oh, i'm
all right.

Lorna, it's margo.

Welcome home.

That's funny.

Well.

Lorna, baby.

They're good.

Oh.

I beg your pardon.

I beg your pardon?

Open the window, please.
I need more light.

I think it's very
nice in this light.

Please!

You're wasting my time.

Flandrin prefers no conversation
when he's judges work.

Does it impair your critical
faculties if I breathe?

Magnificent
brushwork.

Magnificent.

Please! You're casting a shadow.

Practically
everybody does.

Silence please!

Or go away and leave
me alone with the work.

If you think for one
second that a painter

who's a very personal
friend of mine,

a college schoolmate, in
fact, is going to come back

with this exquisite work and have
a dealer like you gobble it up,

you're mistaken.

I honor the painter
whose work I handle.

For 20%.

I know you dealers.

This work is not
for sale. I'll handle it.

I have all the contacts
necessary, and I won't need 20%.

Madame, I have no time
to trifle with you.

You bet you haven't.
I know your kind.

What are you doing?

Now you get out of here.

How dare-tell
me to get out?

Shoo!
Shoo? To me?

Shoo!

Please.

Mr. Flandrin.

Mr. Flandrin, I can't tell
you what an honor this is.

I've got the work
right down in my cabin.

I've seen the work.

And you'll handle it?

It's being handled already

by the lady friend in your
cabin. Shoo! Go away! Get out!

To me! All right, let her
handle it then. Good day.

Oh, but listen.
Mr. Flandrin...

Oh, no. Really?

Yes, ma'am.

This is too funny.

You say she got off the boat at Havana?

Yes, ma'am.

And, uh,
whose cabin?..

Mr. Thompson, ma'am.
Mr. Thompson.

Oh.

Oh.

How do you do?

Are you Mr. Thompson?

I am.

The funniest thing
in the world happened.

I just found out that
these were your paintings.

Oh, you did, huh?

Yes. I-I shooed some
art dealer out of here,

and then the steward
told me that miss Max-

uh, that she'd
left the boat,

and then I knew
they weren't hers.

You deduced that all
by yourself, huh?

Yes.

Did you also deduce the fact
that it's taken me two years

to get him
to look at my work?

I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't
laugh, but it was amusing.

You should
have seen his face.

I saw it.

Oh. Well, then you
know what happened.

I'm frightfully
sorry.

Don't worry
about it.

Good-bye now.

Do you like
riding on the bus?

No, not
particularly.

Well, you're going
to ride on it, see.

Right up to Madison
and 40th street.

And you're going to
get out there, see?

You're going to walk
right up some marble steps

into an art gallery.

And you're going to
start talking fast.

I'm only here because
Mr. Thompson seemed to feel

that I was unethical
to a competitor.

He insisted out of some mistaken loyalty
to you that I come here and explain.

Yes, I felt
that i-

uh, I represent Allison
galleries in Boston.

Now, uh, we want his
work and you don't,

so after all, what harm was there
in my getting rid of Mr. Flandrin

with a harmless little fib?

We've handled his uncle
George's work for years,

so it's sort of
all in the family.

George is the one
with the twins.

Oh, how are the twins?

Twins-

oh, sure. Oh, yeah,
the twins are all right.

Well. Nice little
place you have here.

"Nice little place"?

Madame, I'll have you know my
resources are unlimited. Unlimited.

We are giving Mr.
Thompson a $2,000 advance.

$2,000?

$2,200.

Mr. Thompson, we will
give you a $3,000 advance.

Chicken feed.

$3,500. Satisfied?

I-

my firm has authorized
me to go to $4,000.

$5,000 and an exhibit
all to yourself.

We'll meet that.

And we'll handle his work for only 15%.

10%!

I'll take it!

Where shall I send
the contracts?

Well, uh, ahem. I'll be at the
Sherry Plaza until tomorrow.

Only 10%,
Mr. Flandrin?

Now you're
being unethical.

Young woman, I can be just
as unethical as you can.

Yes, sir. You certainly put that over.

You know, to look at your
face nobody would ever think

you were such
a good liar.

Hey!

Oh, wait a minute.

This is no place
to celebrate.

Let's go somewhere
flossy, like Pierre's.

I want to show
my appreciation.

Mr. Thompson,
I'm a working woman.

I've got just 10 minutes
left for lunch.

Well, I, uh, do want
to say thank you

for fixing
things up for me.

You were pretty
swell about it.

Oh, I was
glad to do it,

seeing I had
no alternative.

What will you have, folks?

Chocolate
malted milk.

Make it two.

You know, I had
you figured all wrong.

I took you for one of those society
playgirls with nothing to do.

I don't like them.

No. I think every woman
should have a career.

I don't.

Well, uh, just how do you
like your women, Mr. Thompson?

Unsophisticated.

And believe me,
they're hard to find.

Where do you look?

Well, not in New York.

Been looking long?

Oh, no.
Just off and on.

I take it you don't
like New York.

No, it's all right.

No thank you.

I like the middle west better.

I like the way
they do things out there.

You take a malt, for example.

They don't know
how to make malts here.

Well, you seem to have
made quite a study of them.

Well, I ought
to know about them.

My family used to own the corner
pharmacy back home in wapakoneta.

Where?

Wapakoneta.

It's in Ohio.

Believe me, I'm heading home
the first thing in the morning.

One day in this
town's enough for me.

One day here and then back
to wah-wappa- wapakoneta?

Hey, listen. It's better
known than you'd think.

Why, my father used to put up a throat
mixture that was copied all over the world.

Thompson's menthol elixir.

The only thing known
to help people quit smoking.

I wish you'd send
some to my father.

I'll do it as
soon as I get back.

What's the address?

Oh, uh, just Mark it Sherwood
residence, port Chester.

Believe me,
it'll work, too.

My old man spent
years perfecting that.

He's a great guy.

Here I'll show you.

There he is.

Mm-hmm.

That's my mother
on this side.

And who's that?

Oh, that's available.

Believe me, she'll have
to be quite a person

to measure up to those two
people on each side of her.

They don't make them
like that anymore.

And then you'll have to be
satisfied with her, too, of course.

Yep.

And that won't
be easy, will it?

No.

And when you find her
she goes right in there.

Yep.

Won't that be
cozy for her?

Look me up when you find
her if you're in New York.

She ought to be
worth seeing.

Ha ha ha.
I'll do that.

You must drop in and
see us sometime, too.

That is when we have the furniture
all in and the house tidied up a bit.

It might be fun.

We can have a Taffy
pull and pop some corn,

and then afterwards, we
can all play post office.

Good-bye,
Mr. Thompson.

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, sis,
may I come in?

Yes, darling.

Margot, tell me
how I look?

You look
simply lovely.

Ooh.

Does it make me
look older, sort of?

You know, you couldn't tell
I'm still in the gawky age?

Nonsense. Get me the shoehorn
and stop saying absurd things.

Oh, but I am
still in it.

I'm going to crystal
lacrail's tonight,

and you know how sort of
slinky and sophisticated she is.

So if I...

Oh, I-I thought you
weren't going out tonight.

Of course I am.

Who with?
Hughie Wheeler?

No. Philip.
The old faithful.

But he's gone to
Connecticut for the weekend.

He has to drop a new
will for that Mr. Fields

who's always
changing his mind.

Well...

Gosh, I forgot
to tell you.

He phoned right
after dinner.

Are you sure?

Well, I ought to be.
I talked to him myself.

And besides, I told
dad and Burton to...

Oh, sis. You're not angry about
not going out tonight, are you?

No, baby.

As a matter
of fact, I'm glad.

I've been promising
myself for 11 solid weeks

to stay home and go to
bed early for a change.

Yes?

It's dad. I've a message
for you, margot.

Philip called to say...

He'd gone to Connecticut. I heard.

I've got to go. Good night, margot.

Good-bye.

Bye, dad.

Bye, dear.

I won't be
out late.

Well, I'll be going
along myself, my dear.

They're waiting
for me at the club.

Dad.
Yeah?

Your tie.

Miss margot.

I wish to tell you
that Mr. Booth phoned...

To say he'd gone to Connecticut, I know.

Did you and
Philip quarrel?

Nobody ever quarrels with Philip.

Yes, he's a fine fellow.
Very dependable.

Very well, I'll be seeing you
a little later on then, my dear.

Shall I ask her?

Yes. Go right ahead.

Will you be needing me
for anything more, miss?

No, Burton.
Thank you.

If it's all right, then, it's
cook's birthday, and I promised her-

you promised her that
you would take her out.

Yes, miss.

Go ahead, Burton.

I'm going to spend a quiet, restful
evening at home for a change.

I'll think you'll
enjoy it, miss margot.

Good night, miss.

Good night, Burton.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, the glee club

will sing the Alma mater
of Ohio state university.

? Oh, come let's
sing Ohio's praise ?

? and songs to
Alma mater raise ?

? while our hearts
rebounding thrill... ?

operator, will you get me the
Sherry Plaza, please, in the city.

Come in.

Oh.

Sorry I took so long
with the trunk, sir.

It was still
at the ship.

That's
all right.

Oh, hey. Don't bother unpacking that.

I'm leaving the first
thing in the morning.

Got your tickets
and everything, sir?

I take care of
all that here.

You do?
Yes.

Good. Get me lower berth
on the morning train

for wapakoneta,
Ohio.

Yes, sir.

Are you kidding me, sir?

No, I'm not kidding.

Wapakoneta, Ohio.

There you are.

Thank you.

Wapakoneta. Oh!

Yes, wapakoneta.

? It's round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? it's Ohio ?

? Ohio ?

hello?

Well, hello.

I didn't expect
to hear from you.

Didn't you call me?

I just came in and there
was a message to call

a Mr. Rahmland-
Thomas-tonner-

I couldn't make out the
Butler's handwriting.

And the only person I knew whose
name it might be was Thompson.

Ha ha.
No, it wasn't me.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, that's right. I'll be leaving
the first thing in the morning.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'll be
seeing you. Good-bye.

Hey, operator. Listen, I just
had a suburban call, port Chester.

Yeah. Will you see if you can
get the party back for me?

Hello?

Oh. I didn't expect
to hear from you again.

Oh, you just caught me as
I was going out the door.

Oh, I'm afraid not.
I'm terribly sorry.

Sure you can.

Oh, listen, you ought to let
me show a little appreciation

for what you did
this afternoon.

Aw, come on. Is that the way
you show your gratitude to a man

who's trying to show
his gratitude?

Ah, that's better.

Sure. We can go to a show and
then take in the town afterwards.

Uh-huh.

Listen, how do
I get out there?

Oh, don't bother
to come way out here.

I'll take a train and
meet you at grand central

in about an hour.

Ok. Hey, wait a minute.

I don't even know your name.

Oh, it's margot...

Margot Sherwood.

Ok.

Come on, folks, come up.
Right up here. Just stand-

excuse me-oh! I'm sorry.

Now just a second.
Heads right on top.

I won't be a second.
I- excuse me.

I don't care. I still think this is
an odd place to come after the theater.

Well, it's much better than nightclubs.

I don't like
nightclubs.

You're pretty positive about what
you like and don't like, aren't you?

Yeah.

You ever change your mind?

No. Well,
almost never no.

Hey, you got your heads
on the wrong people.

Huh? Ohh!

Mighty fine painting
here, Mr. Thompson.

Yeah, not bad.

Tell me. Do you ever paint
anything besides scenery?

Sure. Ohio farmhouses. Cattle. I
paint a lot of western stuff, too.

No, no.
I mean portraits.

Portraits? No.
I leave that to the boys

who like to wear
smocks and berets.

Don't you realize that
people would rather have

a portrait of a beautiful
woman in their living room

than something called
dawn on rat nose gulch?

Ha ha ha. No. I'll stick
to the outdoor stuff.

Why?

Because when
I paint an Ohio cow,

I'm the only one
who has to like it.

And if I painted a society
cow, then she'd have to like it.

Ready, folks.

Turn your heads.

Now smile.

Hold it.

That's nice.

? It's wide on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? think, think, think,
think, what's the riddle? ?

? it's wide on the ends
and-? hi, ya, Barney.

Hello, sir.

Hey, hey, hey.
You can let that go.

But I just got
everything all packed.

Ok, you can unpack.

Then you ain't
going to wapakoneta?

Not today
I ain't, Barney,

and change my tickets to
tomorrow morning, will you?

Yes, sir.

And cheer up, Barney.

The world's
a wonderful place.

Thank you, sir.

? It's round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? it's Ohio ?

I'm not very good
at the rhumba.

Why, I was just going to ask you
if you'd learned it in Havana.

You're good.

Oh, you think so?

Well, I did pick up
a step or two down there

when I wasn't working
as a dishwasher.

Well, ha ha ha.

You've led an awfully
interesting life, haven't you?

You know, it's funny.

The day before yesterday I could
have cheerfully wrung your neck.

Now look at me.

Have I really changed
your mind about New York?

Not exactly
about New York.

But you were so positive
only two days ago.

Ever seen Ohio?

Only from
a train window.

Oh, boy, it's great
this time of the year.

You'd be crazy about it.

Tell me.

Well, it's full of clover
fields, little farms, and hills.

You can rent a houseboat on
the Ohio river for $8 a month.

Just float along
with nothing to do.

I always wanted to do that.

Why didn't you?

Oh, that sort of
thing's no fun alone.

Or you go along thinking maybe
someday you'll meet a girl.

A girl who sees things
the same way you do.

And you never have?

Margot.

Yes, Jeff.

Tell me something.

Do you like
houseboats?

Margot!

Hello, hello, hello.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

You're the most
elusive person.

You're-you're as
elusive as your husband.

I haven't been able to
find that husband of yours.

But don't worry.
I got the dragnet out.

Are you married?

Is she married.
Ho ho, oh, brother.

You're out with
a very impulsive woman.

Is this a private fight
or can anybody get in?

And you let me
say all that.

Well, i-

it's all right. Don't anybody apologize.

I understand.

Three's a company, and two's
a crowd, and one is too many.

Ha ha ha.

Why didn't
you tell me?

I was going to.

I was just waiting
for the right moment.

You...

You have to have the right
moment to tell a thing like that.

Yeah. I could see
it'd be a lot more fun

to tell a guy
after he proposes.

I hope you enjoyed
yourself. Hey, waiter.

Wait. You didn't
let me finish.

You don't have to.

Oh, wait. We can't
go yet. I want to...

I'm hungry.

I'm really quite hungry.

Yes, sir?

Bring the lady what she wants
and then bring me the check.

What do you wish, madame?

I'll have a chicken sandwich
on toast without the bread.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, just make it a rye sandwich
on white bread without the chicken.

Without the-
never mind.

Just bring it.

We're in a hurry
to get out of here.

Yes, sir.

It was just one of those
things. Over in a month.

I was never
in love with him.

Why did you
marry him then?

Well, uh...

I was alone in rio.

We met in a doorway
in the-well, anyway.

Uh, we had dinner, and then we drove
to a little village, las palmas.

The village priest
married us.

The minute I realized the
mistake I'd made, I left him.

It was over in a week.

And, uh...

Here we are.

Yeah, here we are.

Wait a minute now.
Wait a minute.

Let me get this
thing straight.

American girl alone
in a foreign city.

Lonesome.

She meets
another American.

So happy to see
somebody from home,

she mistakes
her feelings.

Yeah, it could be.

He takes her out.

Candlelight.

Gives her a line,
holds her hand.

Atmosphere of rio begins to work on her.

Romantic.

He says,
"I love you."

She falls for it.

Well, why not,
it's...

Not the man, it's the surroundings.

Can she help it? No.

Drive down to las
palmas and get married.

Right away she realizes
she's made a mistake.

"It's all over,"
she says.

He says,
"oh, no, it isn't,"

and she walks out
and leaves him flat.

Sure. It's just
lonesomeness, that's all.

Love...

Didn't mean a thing.

And you're not
in love with him?

Of course not.

Well, gee, why didn't
you tell me all that?

I was going to.

Well, all we have to do
now is get you a divorce.

That's simple.

Uh, it would be
with anyone but Tony.

He keeps evading
my lawyers.

And if we don't serve
him with the papers,

he'd always have an excuse
to reopen the case.

I'll bet I can find
him in 10 days.

Oh, no.
He's, uh, he's abroad.

He's still in south America.

I can still
find him.

Look, Joe Neil, a friend of
mine, is a foreign correspondent.

A human bloodhound.
He can find anybody.

And he knows south
America like a book.

Have you got a photograph
of this merrick?

Uh, no. No, I left
everything down there.

I didn't want to have
anything to remind me of him.

Give me a
description of him.

I'll cable
Joe tonight.

I doubt if your
friend could find him.

You don't know Joe.

Yes, but you don't know Tony.

What does he look like?

Well, he's, um, ahem.
He's about 36.

Tall.

Uh...

Quite, uh, suave in manner.

Dark complexion.

Very white teeth.

Uh...

Slightly built.

Always seen with
the best people.

Oh, yes, I remember.

Uh, Tony has a scar on his
right cheek just below the ear.

Black wavy hair parted in
the center touched with grey.

Uh...

Oh, yes. He two
little sideburns.

Oh.

Two little
sideburns.

Yes. Two.

Hmm.

Oh, and Tony has a peculiar nervous
habit of tugging at his earlobe

when he's thinking
of anything.

Oh, he has, huh?

Yes. Tony always did that.

Mm-hmm.

Sort of the
sophisticated type?

Mm-hmm.

Be apt to find him
in swank places.

Probably spends a lot of
time in nightclubs, huh?

Yes, he does.

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, where did
you see him last?

In rio.

Oh. How was that when you
left him in las palmas?

Oh, that.

Well, uh, you see, we were-

you said you married
him in April, huh?

Yes, April.

A minute ago,
you said may.

Oh, well,
what happened was-

as a matter of fact, you
didn't mention any month.

Well, anyone's liable
to get mixed up

when a person is acting
deliberately stupid and suspicious.

You can take me home
if you don't mind.

If you met him in rio, and if you
had dinner with him that night,

and if you drove to las palmas
to get married that same night,

you must have
driven awful fast.

Quit trying to give me
the third degree.

Because it's 900 miles from
rio to las palmas. So if you-

what right have you to question me
as if I were a criminal or something?

Just one more
question, please.

Back in Ohio-

Ohio. Ha!

That's where you belong,
back in wapakoneta.

Ha ha ha. You know, you're one
of the silliest men I've ever met.

Really. You look
awfully funny

sitting there playing
"information, please" with yourself.

Oh.

I guess all of this is
very amusing, is that it?

Terribly.

Don't bother.

I'm quite able
to get home by myself.

Well, here we are. I think
I have everything all right now.

One chicken on toast
without the bread

and one rye sandwich on white
bread plain without the chicken.

Never mind.
We don't want them.

Here, keep
the change.

You don't want them?

Yeah?

Yeah, speaking.

Sure, sure. I'll
pay the charges.

No, read it to me. You
can send it over later.

"Reply your inquiry.
Did not marry couple named.

"Never heard of Tony merrick
or margot Sherwood.

Jose malaga, pastor, Santa Alma
parish, las palmas, Brazil."

Oh, just a moment.

We have the answer to your
other one. Shall I read it?

Yeah, yeah.

"Checked consulate.

"No passport, visa every
issued name of Tony merrick.

Must be two other guys.
Regards, Joe Neil."

Hmm.

Ok, thanks.

Hello. Get me
Barney the Porter.

Hello?

Yeah, listen, about
those tickets,

cancel them
entirely.

Here you are.

Take your bags in?

No, no. That's all right. I'll get them.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Is this
the Sherwood residence?

Yes, sir. Whom did
you wish to see?

Mrs. Merrick.
Mrs. Tony merrick.

I'm sorry, sir.
She's not at home.

May I ask
who's calling?

Mr. Merrick.

Mr.- Mr.-

Mr. Tony merrick.

Tony merrick?

Her husband?

That's right.

Won't you
come in, sir.

She'll-she'll
be so...

Mr. Sherwood, sir.

I beg your pardon,
but there's-

tell him to call me
back. I can't come now.

Yes, sir. But it's
not the telephone.

It's a caller. Mr. Merrick's
here. Mr. Tony merrick.

You know perfectly well that
I'm not to be disturbed by...

Merrick? You mean
margot's husband?

Yes, sir.

Well, why didn't
you tell me?

The scoundrel.
Well, I...

How do you do, sir?

How do you do?

I've been wanting to
meet you, Mr. Merrick.

I've heard
a lot about you.

Yes, I suppose you have.

You caused us all a great
deal of worry, Mr. Merrick.

My daughter's happiness
is important to me,

so I think that gives
me the right to ask you

if you've come here
to cause her more upset

or arrange
a divorce?

Well, I, uh, ahem.

I guess margot didn't
tell you about us.

Tell me what?

Well, we talked things
over long distance.

We decided we were kind
of hasty in breaking up

so we're going
to start over.

You and margot?

Yes, dad.

Everything's patched up.

Well, that does
make a difference.

Come right in,
come right in.

I hardly know what to say.

Well, I don't mind telling you
it's made a new man out of me.

Well, this is news.

I'm tickled to death,
merrick. Tickled to death!

Oh, Burton, bring us something to
drink, will you? What will you have?

I'll have a
straight ginger ale.

Ginger ale. One ginger
ale, and I'll have a-

uh, yes, sir.
I know.

Well, we've got something
to drink to, hey?

We certainly have.

Sit down, son.

Sit down, sit down.

Well, thanks, dad.

Does margot know
you're here yet?

No, no. She wasn't expecting
me until the end of the week.

Well, she certainly kept the
secret from us, the little Vixen.

We won't say
a word to her, eh?

Just let her walk in
and find you, eh?

She will be surprised.

Yes, she
certainly will.

Daddy.

Oh, Vicky,
come in, come in.

This is my other
daughter, Vicky.

Hello, Vicky.

Hello.

This is Mr. Merrick, dear.

Or perhaps
I should say "Tony"

now that you've
joined the family.

At last we meet.

And margot and Tony
have decided to re-embark

their little ship on
the sea of matrimony, Vicky.

I'm sure you're going
to be very happy.

I'm so glad you don't
believe in divorce and things.

No, no. I'm a firm
believer in monogamy.

Monogamy. And even if margot did say
you were awful and had to leave you,

I believe if you're married, you
can learn to love someone afterwards.

That's right.
I mean...

I'd always believed-

uh, Vicky, dear.

If you're going to be
dressed in time for dinner,

perhaps you'd better
go and change now.

All right. But I do want to have
a long talk with you soon, Tony.

You bet
we will, sis.

Maybe at dinner.

Oh.

Well, there won't be
much of a chance then.

There are going
to be guests.

Guests?

Well, fun.

Evening, Burton.

Evening, Mrs. Merrick.

Whew.
Am I tired.

Is anything wrong?

Wrong? I should say not.
Just the opposite.

We have a little surprise
for you, margot...

To pick you up.

Oh, I'm tired, and
I don't like surprises.

You'll
like this one.

Tony's here!

Tony?
Surprise!

Surprise,
surprise.

Oh, hello,
darling.

Oh, my
little wife...

Dad! Dad!

Oh, how are you...

Dad! Dad, listen.

Yes, I know, I know.
Don't try to talk now.

We'll leave you alone.
We understand.

But, dad.

Darling, if you knew...

You rat-brained
idiot.

Do you realize
what you've done?

Sure. You invented a husband,
and I'm giving him to you.

That's what you
think, is it?

That, my love,
is what I know.

You're insane.

I'm going right in
and tell them

that you're
an imposter.

My husband is in
south America.

I met you on the ship, and you're
annoyed because I won't see you,

and you're trying
to upset me.

Ok, you tell them
and I'll show them.

I've got proof that
you were never married

and that there is
no Tony merrick.

I cabled las palmas,
bright eyes.

You-you cabled.

Mm-hmm. I sure did.

So if you want to tell
them, go right ahead.

Then we can
both talk.

Oh, no, you
don't. Mm-mmm.

Jeff, honestly, now.

Look, I don't know
how many other suckers

have fallen
for this little act,

but you've picked
the wrong victim this time.

You've got to get
out of here.

What am I going
to tell them?

Tell them it was spring.

Tell them it was
blossom time.

Tell them it was rio.

Or just tell them
you had a lapse of memory.

So many ways to handle this if
you just put your mind to it.

Have you even the faintest
notion of the position I'm in?

Well, after surveying
the situation carefully,

I would say that you are
directly behind the 8 ball.

Please do what I ask.

No.

Well, there's
another reason.

I'm in love with someone.
Deeply in love.

Really, I am.

You can't be.
It's bigamy.

I never told you about it,
but I've known him all my life.

Philip's a fine,
sensitive man.

I know what this will do
to his feeling for me.

Please go, Jeff.

Can't you see what
this will make him think?

I'll go into my office
and think about it.

I've decided-
yes?

May I come in?
It's only dad.

I know I shouldn't intrude like this when
you have your little secrets to exchange.

But I wanted to tell you that i'd
just sent some newspapermen away.

Newspapermen!
Yes.

I didn't think you'd
want to talk to them now.

Well, no, we wouldn't.
Wh-what do they want.

Nothing at all.
Nothing at all!

They just wanted to confirm this
story in their first edition.

"Smart set career girl and
husband reunited." Isn't that cute?

Rather well put,
I thought.

But didn't you tell
them that it was-

I certainly did.

In fact, I told them that for
once they had their facts straight.

Yes.

Well, you don't want
an old fussbudget like me

poking around here when you have so
much lost time to make up. Hee hee hee.

Ha! Isn't it funny the
way things get around?

You did this.
You called the papers.

I did not. But I kind of like the story.

Oh, you do, do you?

Mm-hmm. Where
are you going?

I'm going to k*ll that story if I
have to call up every editor in...

You remember Vicky.

People.

Yes. Did you forget

that we were having
guests for dinner, dear?

Come on.

Margot, darling...

But they
didn't fool me. Ha ha ha.

I surmised a reconciliation
in the wind for a long time.

Oh, I did, too. I
could tell by her face.

I guess there wasn't much use
trying to keep it a secret, darling.

He's so attentive.
Don't you think he's sweet?

I don't see anything
sweet about him.

I'd wish I'd stayed
in Connecticut.

Oh, Vicky, how do you like
your new brother-in-law?

Oh, to me he's not new.

Ever since margot told us about him,
I've lived every minute that's happened.

I just feel I was there when they
met in that doorway in the rain.

Yes.

Yes, I'll never forget that doorway.

And the little old man who
came by selling flowers.

Oh, margot's told us
all about that day.

That little old man.

Do you remember I bought
you some violets, darling?

Gardenias.

Oh, yes. Gardenias.

Aw, what a day
that was.

It's all like a storybook.

They met and
lived and suffered.

Now they've met again.

Just like
the movies.

I suppose you're
planning a home now.

Oh, sure.
Aren't we, dear?

Oh, uh...

Oh, naturally,
we're talking about it.

Naturally.
Nothing elaborate.

Just homey.

That's right.
Just homey.

Margot's doing
all the planning.

Women are so much better at
those things, don't you think?

Yes, especially
the furnishings.

She has some of the greatest
ideas about furnishings.

Tell the folks your idea
for doing my den, angel.

Well, uh, I want
to do it very simply.

Uh, just a short flight
of steps and a gallows.

Well, that's the theme. It's
going to be very modernistic.

She has the most unconventional ideas.

Good night, margot.

Good night.

Don't
forget, darling.

I want you to have lunch with me and
tell me exactly how it all happened.

Good night.

Such a
lively woman.

Yeah. So interested
in other people's lives.

And with none of
her own to live.

Well, my bedtime.
Night.

Good night,
darling.

Tony.

Good night, sis.

Good night.

Ah.

Well.

You children have had a long day.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I don't feel
a bit tired.

Do you, dear?

Yeah, I do.

You do?

Well, now, I think you
both need a little rest.

You've been busy
entertaining after all.

Oh, no, father.

Excuse me, sir.

I took the Liberty of putting
out some of your things.

I'll finish unpacking
in the morning.

Oh, thank you,
Burton.

Uh, wouldn't
you and Tony

like to sit up and talk
for a while? It's not late.

Why, it must be past 11.

Why, yes. Early to
bed, you know, my dear.

But Tony, you used to always
take a walk before bedtime.

Uh, fresh air, remember?

Yeah, that was before
I met you, precious.

Well, how about
something to eat?

Oh, it's too late.

Well, uh, well, uh, a drink then.

But honey, you know I never drink after
dinner. It gives me a sour stomach.

Aw, aren't you going to carry the
bride over the threshold, Tony?

You bet I am.

But I'm not
a bit tired.

Ahh! Eee, hee, hee.

Dee, Dee,
here we are.

Well, I'll see you in
the morning, children.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Put me down.

Glad to.

You...

You!..

You, too.

Whew.

Well...

What do you think
you're doing?

Very interesting process known
as "man taking off shoes,

putting on slippers."

And then what?

To put on slippers,
man must first obtain same.

Oh, you must, must you?

Well, you're not going to put
them on or anything else either.

Making a fool of me in
front of those people.

You're even beginning
to sound like a wife.

Don't you realize that those
women would loved a chance

to make fun of me
and my family?

Yep. Realized it
the moment I realized

what a prize sucker you'd
made out of me. Ouch!

This comes under the heading of
teaching me a lesson, I suppose.

It's wonderful how
quick you catch on.

You know, there was a man
once named Frankenstein

who created
a monster,

and it came to life and made
a lot of trouble for him.

So, I thought if you
wanted to play Frankenstein,

you might as well
have a monster.

There's nothing like a nice
monster in the house-hey!

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

? What's the riddle? ?

? it's round on the end
and high in the middle ?

? it's Ohio ?

? oh hi, oh hi ?

? oh hi, oh hi, Ohio ?

? it's round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? it's Ohio ?

? it's round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? think, think, think,
think, what's the riddle? ?

? it's round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? it's Ohio ?

? it's round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? it's Ohio ?

? beautiful Ohio ?

Keep away from those doors.
Don't you dare come in here!

Well! Dropping
in for a visit

or are you planning
to stay for a while?

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo.

Ahhh.

Good morning,
good morning!

Good morning, dad.

Good morning,
father.

Bad colds,
bad colds!

Well, you know
what you should do?

Oh, father, have you
had your breakfast yet?

Hours ago. I was on
my way into the city.

Did you see the
morning papers?

An excellent
article!

Ah, "career girl and reunited husband

spend second honeymoon in the country."

Awww. We ought to keep a special
place in our scrapbook for these, dear.

Well, I'll see you
two lovebirds later on.

Lots of business to
attend to today!

Now, you take care
of those colds!

Bye!

Good-bye, dad.
Bye!

We've got to get out
of this some way.

We?

All right, I'm sorry.
You've had your revenge.

Now we've got to think of
something to do about it.

And what do you
suggest, dear?

We'll announce a divorce. Ah.

No, we can't.

The papers would check up
and find out it wasn't so.

You know, sometimes you almost
make a noise like you were thinking.

Oh, you're so smart,
aren't you?

Cream, dear?

No, thank you.

Oh, but darling,
you always used to!

Sugar, dear?

No, just black,
sweetheart.

Mm-hmm.

Now, angel,

you know what we decided
about your going on a diet.

How would you
like your eggs, sir?

Four-bitted,
boiled, please.

Mr. Merrick doesn't
care for eggs, Burton.

I do, too! I like eggs when I'm hungry.

Now, darling.

They disagree
with him.

Mr. Merrick will just
have some dry toast.

Uh, yes, ma'am. Would
you care for anything?

Yes, she'll have two four-bitted
boiled eggs, please, buxton.

Burton, sir.

So smart,
aren't you?

All right, we won't fake
it. We'll get a divorce.

Oh, no! You can't.
It's against the law.

Unless they changed it since
I looked it up last night.

I know as much
about law as you do.

Talking law to me
- what do you know about it?

Enough to know you can't make
a mockery out of marriage!

Well, all we have to
do is file a suit!

Listen to me, cutie pie.

You can't go around getting
divorces the way you buy hats.

Oh, can't I?
No.

Not unless you're married.

That's the law, so you might
just as well forget it.

All right. If that's it, all right.

Yeah.

All right what?

If that's the only way
to do it, I'll do it.

Let's see...

We'd have to go to some
very out-of- the-way place.

Oh.

And we can get
a nice little marriage

so that you can get
a nice little divorce.

It's simple, isn't it?

Would be a relief to
have it cleared up.

Yes, it certainly would.

You've got it all
planned out, haven't you?

Think all you have to do
is to push a button

and people hop to your orders.

Well, you can push some people
around, but you can't push me around!

I'll get married when
I want to get married,

but it won't be to you!

Burton, when you get through
here, I want you to pack my things.

Oh, stop, Tony.

You have Burton
believing you.

Mr. Merrick's a great practical joker.

I never joke. I want you
to pack my things, Burton.

Oh, darling, if
you don't stop,

you'll have me
in stitches.

And it's not
fair to Burton.

Mr. Merrick's
not leaving.

I am, too!
I'm going home!

To wapakoneta?

Yes, to wapakoneta.

I'll pack my things
myself!

Hello, margot.

I got your message. I'm sorry
to have kept you waiting.

Anything wrong?

I think I need
some legal advice.

Legal advice,
eh?

Well, what's it all about?

It's about Tony.

I knew it. Another woman.
I could have warned you.

No, that isn't it.

Uh, he has a criminal record,
a past he hasn't told you about.

No, no, Philip.
Look.

Suppose a person
weren't married,

and another person
came along

and said that they were the
husband of the first person,

when the first
person

had only invented the
husband to begin with,

and the second person
made everybody think

that he was the husband
of the first person.

What would the first person
do, legally, to get out of it?

Yes.

Well, let's see.

I don't quite, uh...

You say, uh,
if a person...

And then, uh,
another person said...

And the party
of the first part...

And the party of the second
part didn't even exist,

and...

Margot! You mean
you only invented-?

Philip, wait. I can
explain everything.

You've simply got to help me.
You're the only one who can.

And Tony-
I mean, Jeff-

is leaving town.

Oh?

You know why I want to get it
straightened out, don't you?

Dear?

Margot.

You mean if you were...
You and I were...

Oh, Philip,
I can't think.

Not with a terrible problem
like this on my mind.

You don't know what
I've been through.

Margot, don't you
worry about a thing.

We'll get everything
all straightened out.

Now look here, Thompson.
I want to tell you frankly

that this is a very unpleasant situation
we've got to get straightened out.

In other words, you've
got to do the right thing.

Listen! I'm the one who was
stuck in the first place.

Why should I do
anything?

Gonna pack my things
and go home.

Doesn't chivalry mean
anything to you?

Just how much chivalry
do you mean exactly?

Ha ha. This isn't the time
for flippancy, Thompson.

I've been all over it legally,
and you've simply got to marry her.

Oh, I have, huh? Yes,
so she can divorce you.

And marry you.
Right.

That makes me
the middleman.

Well, I'm afraid I don't just
fancy myself as the middleman.

If you don't mind my
saying so, Thompson,

I'm a little amazed that
you're arguing about all this.

Good! Everybody should be
amazed regularly, every 3 months.

People aren't amazed
nearly enough.

Man-to-man, Thompson,
will you do the decent thing?

Man-to-man, booth, no.

Come in.

Any word yet?

No. He promised to call me
as soon as he talked to him.

That's what
I'm waiting for.

Oh, don't worry. He's a
good talker, this Mr. Booth.

He'll persuade him.

Think so, gussie?

Ah, of course I'm sure.

Well... if they don't
get into a fight first.

Fight?

Whoo! Something's
making me dizzy.

I wonder what it is.

I know what it is.

It's that stuff
you're sniffing.

That's no good
for a cold.

Now, Philip, don't
try to make me believe

that you're interested in my health.

You'd just as soon
see me dead.

Oh, now don't protest.
You know you would.

Then all your troubles would be over.

Then you could
marry margot

without my having
to marry her,

so I could
divorce her...

So you could
marry her.

That would save a lot
of trouble, Jeff.

But I don't want anything
like that to happen to you.

No, sir!

I only want you to get well,
so you can marry her.

I'll tell you how to
get rid of that cold.

How?
It's very easy.

All great opera singers
do it.

Mmm?

Great opera singers
do it.

Nelson eddy does it.

Does what?

Stands on his head,
that's what.

He does? What for?

To keep him healthy.

It clears up
all the congestion.

What congestion?

Congestion of
the head congestion.

I'll show you how.

Now watch me
very closely.

Whoo!
Aah!

There we are!

Is that good for a cold?

Best thing
in the world.

I feel like
a new man.

All right.

Want me to help you?

Thank you, no.

Anything you can do,
I can do.

All right, then.
Go ahead, let's see.

But don't think that just because
you helped me get rid of my cold

that I'm going
to marry margot!

But you got to!
Jeff!

You gotta, Jeff, for
the sake of the children!

What children?

My children!

Don't you see,
after I get married,

I want to have
3 children.

Oh.

Two boys and a girl.

Anthony, Andrew,
and Agnes.

Ah, that's nice.

That's very nice.
They're pretty names, too.

So you see, Jeff,
it's not as though

I were asking you for myself, or margo.

It's for the kids.

There we are, in a little white house,

with a little
white fence,

and they got a pony.

Ah, that's beautiful.

That's really beautiful.

I like children, too.

So do I.

Well then,
the only question is,

will I or will I not
marry the woman you love?

That's the question,
Thompson!

Just call me buddy,
buddy.

All right, buddy buddy.
Will you?

For the sake of
the children?

I'll let you know after
I get rid of my cold.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where could we go
to get married?

It'll have to be someplace where
nobody would put it in the papers.

Nobody'd put it
in the papers...

I know just the place!

Niagara Falls!

Niagara Falls?

Yes, Niagara Falls!

Everybody else goes there
after they get married.

Nobody would pay any
attention to a couple

going there
to get married, hmm?

Mm-hmm.

That's a good idea.

Hey, wait a
minute, Jeff. I'll show you.

Now watch this
very closely.

Do just like I do.

Ahh.

All right, Phil,
I'll marry her.

For the sake of Anthony,
Andrew, and Agnes.

You're a pal,
buddy buddy.

Let's shake.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss
the bride now.

Now, I...

I always say a few words

after the ceremony
to young couples.

You are beginning
a new life together.

And you're young.

You don't know that you must
make sacrifices for each other,

because marriage
isn't easy.

It's a stony road
sometimes.

But you have to help each
other and Cherish each other.

And when you have an argument-and
you will have arguments-

never go to bed at night

without asking
forgiveness.

For the old adage is true,
my young friends,

that it is
a lonely life alone.

Two by two, we marry.

One by one... we die.

And may heaven bless
your union with children,

and may you both live
not for yourselves,

but each only to make
the other happy.

And congratulations
to you both.

Thank you.

I suppose he gives
that talk to everybody.

Oh, sure, that's
just routine.

Wedding bouquet?

Oh! Thank you.

Well... we've got about
4 hours till plane time.

Might as well stroll over and
take a look at the falls, I guess.

Might as well.

Look happy, Selma!

Oh!

I can't see
a thing.

Close your eyes, then open them.

Beautiful view, ya?

Ya-yeah, great.

First time
here?

Yep, first time.

Us too!
We just come.

I bet you is
newlyweds too,

ain't you?

Uh...

Well, yes, we are...

In a way.

Will you excuse
us, please?

Could we ask
a little favor?

We would like to have
picture to take home

to our friends
in Minnesota.

We can't get both in
the same picture, you know,

if we take it
ourselves.

Would you mind
for just a minute?

No, not at all.

We stand
over here.

We want to have a picture
everyplace we go...

For our memory book.

Selma's uncle sven has
given us one to put them in.

I bet you is
keeping some, too,

so you can take back
how happy you are.

Uh...

Well, uh...

Yes. Yes, we are.

Ready?

There you are.

Thank you!

You can show that one
to the children someday.

Ya, sure.

Could we take one of you
and send it to you?

Uh... well,
I'll ask my-

uh... thank you.

We've taken
so many already.

Well, maybe we shall meet again.

We're going to come back
here every year, same time!

Well, good-bye.
Good-bye.

Many, many happy
anniversaries to you.

Good-bye.
Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Oh, look! The sign of a wedding!

But you is already married!

Well, we just hope
you happy as we are.

Good-bye.

Good luck
to you!

Maybe we see you
again next year!

Good-bye.
Good-bye!

Sort of a silly idea,
coming back here every year.

Isn't it?

Yeah.

Humph. They're way
up in the clouds.

Ah, what's the difference if
they enjoy kidding themselves?

They'll come down
soon enough.

Let's not
talk about it.

As long as we have to spend
another two hours together,

you might try
to be pleasant.

I am pleasant!

You're not pleasant,

sitting there snapping
and being sarcastic.

Huh! When you
do get married,

you certainly won't need
any practice henpecking.

I'm not henpecking!

Listen, my aunt Edith k*lled
my uncle John henpecking.

I oughta know a
henpecker when I hear one!

Right this way,
folks!

One of nature's
greatest wonders!

I might add, one of the
wonders of the world!

On my left, a lateral
view of the falls

from the highest position
on the American side.

In this exact spot
in 1796,

there occurred
a national event.

Now if you'll step this way and
watch your step very carefully...

Well, what do you
know about that!

Look, mother!

Oh, it is!

Ahem.
I beg pardon, sir.

Have you a match?

Hmm? Oh, yeah,
sure. Here you are.

I hope it's
an Ohio match.

No other kind
accepted!

Heh heh heh! I thought
that would get you!

Jeff,
how are you?

H- hello, Mr.-

kelland, kelland!

It's nice to see
you, my boy! Ha ha!

How are you?
And Mrs. Kelland!

We were so surprised
to see you here, Jeff.

You remember
my daughter, elvira?

Sure.
How are you, elvira?

Hello! I didn't think
you'd remember me, Jeff!

We've
moved to our summer home,

and we'd love to have
you come down, Jeff.

We really would, Jeff.

You remember
judge holman from Lima,

don't you, Jeff?

Yeah...

Oh, yes!
How are you, sir?

Fine, Jeff, fine.

We may not see you
often, Jeff,

but we followed your career, read
about your exhibit in New York.

I was over in wapakoneta
last month,

talking to your dad
and mother about you.

Jeff ought to remember me-

he was in my
sunday school class!

We're
here for the convention.

What are you doing
here, Jeff?

What do you think we're
doing in Niagara Falls?

Huntin' worms?

J- Jeff!
Y- you don't tell me

that you've gone and
gotten yourself-

yeah, married today!

If you folks ain't occupied,
you can lift a snifter with us.

You know, wedding party.

Awful sorry you didn't
get here sooner-

we had champagne,
but it's all gone.

Certainly too bad
you missed it.

Jeff, you forgotten
your manners?

How about knocking me down
to the hometown folks?

Yeah, this is
Mr. Kelland...

Glad to meet you, Mr. Kelland.

I know some kellands run
a butcher shop in Brooklyn.

Course, we ain't planning
to live in Brooklyn,

'cause Jeff don't want
me to work no more.

He says even if he is
a screwball artist,

one breadwinner in
the family's enough,

so I said, "ok!"

Didn't I, good-lookin'?

Well, congratulations
to you both.

This is a surprise to us,
all right.

Yeah. Me, too.

Uh, I mean,
thank you, sir.

Hey, what are we standing
around here gassin' for?

I don't want you folks
to think Jeff's a tightwad.

Come on, let's take the people
over and hoist a couple, butch.

Mmm! Gosh!

What's the big idea,
huh?

Oh! I beg your pardon.

Beg my pardon, nothing.
You know what I mean.

I'm perfectly able
to stand up alone

and if you're insinuating I'm crocked,

I don't like it,
see?

Margot! Look, you know perfectly well-

listen, when I'm pie-eyed,
I don't mind a little help,

but if there's
anything I don't like,

it's a twerp who grabs a
lady's arm when she's sober!

I assure you,
Mrs. Thompson,

I intended no innuendo!

All right, all right.
I'll accept the apology.

I guess I do
burn up too easy.

But a girl can't be too
careful of her reputation,

especially when
she's married!

Yes, uh, well...

That's almost
axiomatic!

Oh, I'll say, and how!

What do you say we all
go to some swell place

and make a party out of this?

Jeff's told you all about
what you wapakoneta kids do

when you really cut loose!

Yes, sir!

Well! We really
must be going.

Yes, well, it's nice
to have seen you, Jeff,

and i-I'm glad to have met your...

Your bride.

Good-bye, Mrs. Thompson!

So long, kids!

See you in the funny papers!

That was a nice
thing to do!

You met my friends.

But I didn't
act like that.

I have to go back and
live among those people!

Do you know what
they'll think?

I'll bet I can guess.

Listen, wapakoneta's
my hometown.

I want to go back
there and paint!

Do you realize the
position you put me in?

Well, after surveying
the situation carefully,

I would say that you are
directly behind the 8-ball.

No, I'm sorry. She's
still in conference.

Hello? No, I'm sorry, she's too busy.

Can I see Mrs. Merrick now?
No, you can't.

She's leaving tomorrow.
She must see her proofs now.

She hasn't time.

Mrs. Merrick's
office.

How long before
we can see her?

I don't know!

Mr. Johnson wants
to see Mrs. Merrick.

She's still
in conference

and doesn't want
to be disturbed!

No, I can't! She's been
conferring for hours.

She's much too busy
to talk to anyone now!

Excuse me.

I thought you'd
maybe ok these hats

before I photograph them.

They're all right,
they're fine.

What?

Something wrong?

No, not a thing, gussie.

Well, you should
be very happy.

Everything is
settled now,

you're going to Reno
tomorrow with Mr. Booth.

He is a fine man,
this Mr. Booth, hmm?

But, uh... the other fellow
you're going to divorce

is Mr.- Mr. Jeff.

I think he must be
a terrible man.

So mean, so arrogant, so stubborn.

He is not!

Ohhh... he is not?

Well, he, uh...

He has his good points.

Oh? What are they?

Uh... he's a very good artist.

Yes, I see it
in the paper.

He had a prize-
winning exhibition.

He did?
Yes, here.

Well!

Gussie?

Hmm?

Do you think
a marriage is hopeless

if it gets off
to a wrong start?

No. No.

For instance,
look at my marriage.

We had a very bad start,

and still it's...
Not hopeless yet.

Emily and I,
we had no money,

I had no job,

and her brother came
to live with us.

He's a big fellow.

He ate a great deal,
you know.

But how did you get back on the right
track after such a bad beginning?

I put him on a diet.
Ha ha ha!

Oh, I don't know why I'm thinking
all this when I'm going to Reno.

So, you sure you still
want to go to Reno?

The doctor thinks
a trip will do me good.

He says I have a partial
nervous breakdown

from overwork.

From overwork,
uh-huh.

Well... he must know.

He is a very good doctor,
this Dr. Schutzenbrink.

Well, for $30 a visit, he
can't afford to be wrong.

Yes?

Mr. Booth is
on his way in.

All right.

Are those the things
you're going to photograph?

Yes.

Why didn't you
show them to me?

B- but I showed-

they won't do
at all.

You just said they were fine,
they were all right!

I did?
Yes.

Oh.

Come in!

Hello, Phil.

Hello, darling!

Hiya, winky.

Now you just go right ahead
with whatever you're doing.

I don't want you to have
a single thing on your mind

when we leave tomorrow.

Look, Philip, do we
have to leave so soon?

I- I've got so-

but, darling, I've made
all the arrangements,

and I had a talk with
Mr. Bixby at the firm

about that property
settlement,

and he agrees with me
that with a man like this,

an irresponsible
pauper-

pauper?

Well,
after all, darling,

you are a woman of
prominence and means.

Unless we have Thompson
sign a property settlement,

who knows what claims he'll
try to make in the future?

The marriage is valid,
you know.

Hello?

Hello? Hello.

Get me Mr. Jeff Thompson,
please, at the Sherry Plaza.

Oh, Philip,
it isn't necessary.

It is a very good idea.
It's very necessary, margot.

I can't see any need-

you should talk it
over with him.

Mr. Booth is quite right.

It's vital
for your protection;

it'll only take me
4 or 5 hours to draw it up.

Hello. Hello, Thompson?

Booth calling.

Now, uh, about that
property settlement.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

You don't say so.

Well, I've done all i'm
going to do for both of you.

I wouldn't stay in this
cockeyed town another night

for all the tea
in China.

I'm getting on a train
for Ohio at 6:00.

But it's impossible to
draw it up by that time!

He won't stay.
He's leaving tonight.

Well, you ought to do it
while he's in the mood.

Uh, hello, Thompson!
Yes, hold on, hold on.

You could change
the tickets for tonight

and settle the whole
thing on the train.

Go on the same train
with him?

Yes!

But gussie!

The trip will do you
very good.

You look here, winkel.

Well, that's right.
The doctor said that i-

all right, your majesty.

We'll be delighted
to oblige you.

We'll settle the whole
matter on the train, tonight.

? Round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? think, think, think, think,
what's a riddle? ?

? round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? it's o-hi-o ?

come in.

Whereas, the parties have
mutually recognized their-

here you are,
sir.

Who ordered those?

I did.
Put them down, Sam.

A drink will
spruce you up.

I'm quite spruced,
thank you.

You shouldn't drink
when you're working.

Anything
else, sir?

No, that's all.
Thanks, Sam.

Sure you won't have one?

No, thanks.
No, thank you.

Well...

Here's to the bride.

And the groom.

And to the middleman.

Now if you are ready,
Thompson, we can continue.

And whereas the parties
have mutually recognized

their rights
and investitures,

and whereas the chateaus and
properties both real and personal,

and whereas neither
having any right, title,

claim, or interest
to those of the other.

And whereas the party of the
first part, making known...

You're the party of the
first part, Thompson.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
Party of the first part.

And you're the party of
the second part, darling.

And you're the party
of the third part.

There is no party
of the third part.

And, whereas the party of the first part

makes known his
agreement.

Now then, I'm unsure
about clause 9.

Well, just make it
"clause 9... whereas."

Whereas what?

Just "whereas."

Can't I have
one clause my way?

Come in!

Good evening.
Good evening, folks.

Uh, Mr. Thompson,
lower 5.

And Mr. Booth,
lower 6.

Mrs. Merrick, compartment b, in here.

Oh, I scared up those folders
you asked me for, Mr. Booth.

Here you are,
the Grand Canyon.

Oh, thank you.

Goodnight, folks.
Goodnight.

Margot and I are going to the
Grand Canyon on our honeymoon,

on the way back.

I can think of
better places.

The Grand Canyon's beautiful
this time of the year.

Well, Thompson, I think
we can let clause 9 go.

If you'll just...

Sign right here,

we won't trouble you
any further.

It's getting late.

Margot and I have a few personal
things to discuss together.

Mm-hmm. That's all?

Yes, that's all.

Yes, that's all.

Well, uh...

Right, right here, Thompson.

Um...

I don't understand
clause 4.

But I just
read it to you.

"And whereas... " It's all Greek to me.

I think I should
have legal advice.

Look, where do you
expect to find-

you're not denying
me right of counsel?

After all,
if he's not satisfied,

there might be one
on the train.

Sure, there's always
one on the train!

Why didn't I think
of that before?-

be right back.

You didn't have to
suggest that.

I was only trying
to be fair.

Say, Sam.

Yes, sir?

I sort of need somebody
to do a little job for me.

What kind of a job, sir?

Well, uh...

Somebody who looks
impressive and can talk a lot.

You think maybe there's
a passenger on the train

who'd let to pick up 10 bucks
being a lawyer for awhile?

Now let me...

Did you say lawyer, sir?

Yeah, you know, somebody
who can cite cases,

demand writs of habeas
hocus-pocus, you know.

Well, sir, I studied law by
correspondence the past 4 years

to improve my mind.

And if I could be
of service to you, sir...

Are you long-winded?

Good at objecting?

I's a lawyer, isn't I?

Sam, you got
yourself a client.

Yes, sir!

Clause 9.

Whereas the party of the first part
and the party of the second part

have this day mutually agreed
that insofar as each is concerned-

excuse me, sir.

As here and before provided,

the aforementioned holdings,
real and personal,

held in fee simple
and fee absolute,

excluding escrow,

except in cases of
,

issued by courts of
higher jurisdiction,

remain ad majorem,
in status quo

including real properties
held with non majorem.

Well, Thompson, I'm sure all such
properties should be hypothecated.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

But in Indiana supreme court,
Johnson vs. Johnson, 1923,

if I might cite a case
as part of my contention,

the ruling was reverses
hypothecation, completely reverses.

Well, Thompson, will you
concede clause 3 in this brief?

No.

Well, what about
clauses 5 and 6?

Will you stipulate
as to those?

We stipulate?

No, sir.

We don't
stipulate.

Now listen, Thompson.

You heard what
counsel said.

Counsel must be conversant with
the ruling in the ames case,

Wisconsin, 1923.

Uh, can I get you
another sandwich, sir?

No, I don't want
any more sandwiches now.

I do.

Yes, sir.
If I may suggest,

with counsel's
permission,

it might be wiser if the
party of the first part

and the party of
the second part

arbitrated this
matter personally.

Yeah, that's
a good idea.

Sure, margot
and i-

oh, no, you don't, Thompson.

You don't see margot unless i'm
there to protect her interests.

Ok. Proceed,
counsel.

Yes, sir.

With the sandwich
or the brief, sir?

Ha ha. With
the sandwich.

Yes, sir.

Ha ha.

? Round on the ends
and high in the middle ?

? it's Ohio ?

uh, can I get you
gentlemen anything else?

No, thanks.

Oh, Sam.
Yes, sir.

I'm very
appreciative

of everything
you've done.

Here's your fee.

Thank you kindly, sir.

I'll wake you up in the morning
before we get to wapakoneta.

Yeah.

Good night, gentlemen.

Good night.

Oh, Thompson.
Yeah?

Here's your copy
of the agreement.

Oh, thanks.

Ah, it's a relief to have
everything settled.

And sometime when
you're in New York,

I want you to come up and we'll all
have a laugh over our little mix-up.

Yeah, I'll do that.

Oh, I think you'll understand that
it would be pleasanter all around

if you don't see
margot in the morning.

She asked me to thank
you for all your trouble.

Sure, that's ok.

Well, good night, Thompson.

Good night.

Staying up a while?

No, no, no. I'm hitting
the hay right now.

Good night.

Getting up?

Uh, no. I'm just
looking for my suitcase.

Oh, here it is.
I got it.

Good night, Thompson.

Good night.

Margot. It's me, Jeff.

I just want
to say good-bye

and tell you I'm sorry for
all the trouble I made for you.

Margot, I wish you wouldn't
feel that way about it.

I know you're pretty bitter but
won't you see me for just a minute

and say good-bye
as friends?

I won't be seeing
you in the morning.

Margot?

Excuse me, ma'am.
It's the Porter, Sam.

It's going to be a
little chilly tonight,

so I brought you
an extra blanket.

I'll bring it in.

I brought the extra
blanket already, sir.

Oh, you
already brought-

I mean, so you
already brought

the extra
blanket, huh?

Yes, sir.

Ha ha ha.

You know, you had me
puzzled there for a minute.

I couldn't hardly tell
which one of us was me.

Well, I just wanted to remind you
to call me in the morning, Sam.

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

I guess I'll take a little
walk and get some air.

Good night, Sam.

Good night, sir.
Ha ha ha.

Margot.

Been outside?

Yes, on the platform.

Mm-hmm.

I, uh, probably won't be
seeing you in the morning.

Oh, uh, I know.

I guess not.

We might as well
say good-bye then.

Yes, I guess we'd better.

Yeah, because the train gets
into wapakoneta at half past 8.

Oh, I thought I was 8:22.

No, no. It's 8:30.

Oh.

Well...

Good-bye.

Margot.

Yes?

I meant
good night.

Good night.

Good night!

And pleasant dreams.

How many times you have to tell that
dame good night to make it stick?

Can't you
read the sign?

Whereas the civil code
of limitations restricts

the party of the first part and
the party of the second part.

Whereas ames vs. Ames...

Case of Johnson
vs. Johnson.

Hey, boss.

I object,
your honor!

Ohh.

Good morning, sir.

Ohh. What?

Good morning, sir.

Morning already?

Yes, sir.

What's that?

A double bourbon, sir.

I didn't order that.

No, sir.
It's my own idea.

Oh, the train stopped.
Where are we?

Wapakoneta, sir.

Oh, wapakoneta, eh?

Yes, sir.

What's that?

There he is!

Where?

Hey, what is this?

Hey, Jeff! Jeff!

Here's your dad and mother.

Hello, mom.
Hi, dad.

How are you, son? Congratulations.

Where is she, Jeff?
We want to meet her.

It was a little late
when we got your wire.

But we did our best
to get a turnout here

for you and
the bride.

Wh-what are you-why,
I didn't send any wire.

I did, dear.

You know how
forgetful he is.

I knew you wanted wapakoneta
to meet us together.

Come on, Jeff. Give us a
great big kiss for the bride now.

You know, the old
Ohio kiss-a-maroo.

Oh, boy, we've been waiting
a long time for this.

Oh, boy,
so have I! Whoa!

I thought you'd need it, sir.

Ha ha ha.

Looks like the case is closed.

Ha ha ha.