Drake is always getting me
In trouble, which I do not like.
You're not normal
If you don't get in trouble
Once in a while.
Like, last weekend,
I tried to do a nice thing
By taking drake to visit
My cousin skippy's dairy farm.
So, last weekend,
Josh drags me
To his bowlegged cousin's
Dairy farm.
Skippy's a bit bowlegged,
But it's not that noticeable.
You could drive a truck
Between his legs.
So at around midnight,
Drake tries to tell me
Cows are ticklish.
So, the first night
We're there,
I told josh cows are ticklish.
So he talks me into sneaking
Out of my cousin's house.
So he sneak
Out of bowleggy's house.
And we go
To the milking barn.
And I take josh to the barn
Where they milk all the cows.
Where he makes me go try
To tickle one of the cows.
So he walks
Right up to this huge cow
And tickles it.
Which made the cow angry.
The cow was not happy.
Next thing I know,
I got a mad cow
Chasing me up walnut grove road.
And now we're both grounded.
I can't believe
I have to stay in this house
All weekend.
See ya.
I should've known
Cows aren't ticklish.
I knew cows weren't ticklish.
[Music]
General cornwallis continued
To chase washington's army
Through new jersey
Until the americans withdrew
Across the delaware river.
Because I'm an expert
On ice cream toppings.
Okay, I admit
Some people call 'em jimmies,
But everybody I know
Calls 'em sprinkles.
Well, I'm not from the south.
Fine, I'll look it up on the web
Right now.
While the americans
Withdrew--
Megan!
I was doing my homework.
I'm on the phone.
And now I'm laptop-less.
All right.
General cornwallis,
Or as his friends
Called him, g-corn--
Dude, this saturday night,
We are so hooked up.
Where are we going?
Oh, nowhere.
Just to see your favorite band,
The hailstones.
Well, shut your mouth.
Uh-uh, it's open.
The hailstones are playing
In san diego?
Yeah, at the reptile room.
Oh, that is so--
Man, we can't get
Into the reptile room.
You have to be over .
You are...mr. Yakitori.
What's this?
Fake i.d.
Here, check mine out.
"Jefferson steelflex"?
Yeah, I made it up.
Oh, really?
Look, so you're suggesting
That we use fake i.d.s
To get into a nightclub,
Posing as jefferson steelflex
And alvin yakitori.
Yup, and, hey,
We gotta be there before :
Because I'm pretty sure--
It's illegal
To use fake i.d.s.
Yeah, well,
It's illegal to rob banks,
But people do it.
Yes, people
Who are bank robbers.
I'm not using a fake i.d.
Come on, the hailstones,
Joshie's favorite band. Come on,
The reptile room serves churros.
Churros?
It's not like
We're gonna drink or anything.
We're just gonna go
And listen to some music.
Yeah, but--
Dude, but everybody uses
Fake i.d.s.
It's not gonna be a problem.
[Doorbell rings]
Dad?
Walter.
♪ I never thought
That it'd be so simple,
But I found a way,
I found a way,
If you open up your mind,
See what's inside,
Well, it's gonna take
Some time to realize,
But if you look inside,
I'm sure you'll find,
Over your shoulder, you know
That I told you
I'll always be
Picking you up
When you're down,
So just turn around ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh
[Music]
"Jefferson steelflex"?
"Alvin yakitori"?
They could be names.
Yeah, on planet crazytron.
You know, I can
Almost understand you
Doing something this stupid,
But you?
Well, he tempted me
With churros.
That's your excuse:
A fried mexican pastry?
Have you ever tasted one?
Can we talk
To you two privately?
Of course.
Both of you, in the closet.
What?
Closet?
Closet!
Now, officers,
I know they broke the law--
Okay, don't worry.
Don't worry,
They're not under arrest.
Thank you.
Believe me,
They're gonna be grounded
For a long time.
What good does that do?
They've been grounded
A hundred times.
Well, if you really wanna
Make an impression on 'em,
Our department does have
A steered straight program.
What's that?
We come in,
We handcuff 'em, show 'em
What it's like to get arrested.
It's a very
Effective program.
Teaches kids what can happen
If they break the law.
Yeah.
Here's a pamphlet.
Oh.
And this is our card.
Just give us a call
If you decide you wanna do it.
Thank you, officers.
We really appreciate it.
Not a problem.
Have a good night.
Wait.
Aren't you the weather guy
From channel ?
That's right.
I am.
[Both laughing]
Why does everyone do that?
[Music]
Could you please hurry up
And finish this?
Well, if you would
Stop moving.
Well--
Ugh.
I gotta get more pins.
I'm gonna go get some water.
[Drake playing guitar]
This doesn't surprise me.
I'm helping your mother.
Uh-huh.
She's making a prom dress
For taylor,
The anderson's daughter.
I thought taylor was a boy.
Nope.
What are those?
Grapefruits.
Can I go to boarding school?
[Doorbell rings]
I got it.
Ooh, this is gonna be good.
Close the laptop
And put down the guitar.
What's goin' on?
Up against the wall.
What?
What?
Against the wall.
Okay.
What did we do?
Hey, hey, watch the glutes.
Quiet.
Hands behind your back.
Oh, sweetie.
Are you crying?
I've just never been
This happy.
Is this necessary?
Would you just--come on?
Whoa!
Mom, walter,
Would you do something?
Oh, we did do something.
It's called
The steered straight program.
Both: what?!
You boys need to learn
How to act like men.
It's for a prom.
Yes, ma'am.
Sir!
Tonight, you boys
Are gonna see
What it's like to be arrested,
Processed, booked, and jailed.
Jailed?
Processed?
Dad, this is ridiculous.
No, it's not.
You guys have been getting
Into a lot of trouble lately.
Like what?
The fake i.d.s.
Burning down
Our neighbor's tree house.
The counterfeit grills.
The speeding ticket.
You got a speeding ticket?
Oh, yeah, thank you, megan.
All right, enough.
Let's go.
Come on, you can't do this.
This is gonna be good
For you.
It's already good for me.
You guys need to learn
The importance of behaving.
Well, this is so unfair.
Come on.
What are those?
Grapefruits.
Can I have one?
Yeah.
Thanks.
All right,
Out the door.
[Drake and josh complaining]
This ain't fair!
Come on!
This isn't fair!
Is my dress ready yet?
[Megan shudders]
[Music]
Mmm! Man, this grapefruit
Is excellent.
A little sour, though.
Either of you boys got
Any sugar on you?
No.
Who carries their own sugar?
You'd be surprised.
When you're a cop,
You see a lot of things.
-, -,
Report of a robbery in progress,
Corner of el centro and leland.
Suspect wearing
A camouflage shirt
And red knit cap.
Unit - responding.
I'm a block
South of your location,
Going code .
Hey, hang on, boys.
[Siren]
What's going on?
Robbery at a jiffy mart.
Yeah, and here we go.
[Tires screech]
Hey, hold my grapefruit.
With what?
I'm handcuffed.
What do you expect me
To hold your grape--
[Mumbling]
I was just trying to do
Something nice for you.
[Mumbling angrily]
Well, fine.
If that's the way you want it.
[Mumbling]
Come on,
You are totally misquoting me.
That's not even how I said it.
What--
[Dispatcher talking on radio]
Hey.
Hello.
Both: aah!
[Whistle blowing]
Hey, get out of my car!
Freeze!
You freeze!
[Siren, tires screech]
Yeah! Ha ha ha ha!
What are you doing?
Not going to jail,
That's what I'm doing.
Hang on, boys.
We're in a stolen police car,
And we are running from the law.
Yeah!
Oh. Ha ha ha ha!
[Laughing nervously]
[Crying and screaming]
[Music]
[Siren]
All right,
You know you can get
In a lot of trouble
For stealing the cop car?
I'm already
In a lot of trouble.
[Slams on brakes]
So who are you guys?
Well, I'm, uh, uh...
Jefferson steelflex.
Alvin yakitori.
And you are?
Blaze.
Why do they call you blaze?
Be quiet!
I see.
I think this guy is dangerous.
Why? 'Cause he just robbed
A convenience store
And now he stole a cop car?
Maybe we should just tell him
We're high school students,
So he'll let us go.
And what if he doesn't
Let us go?
Oh! Ohh!
This guy thinks
We're real criminals right now,
So let's keep it that way.
Oh, right.
Right, so he'll think
We're one of him.
Yeah, so no matter
What he does--
So what'd you guys
Get busted for?
Oh...um, you know,
Uh, crime.
Yeah, yeah.
We robbed a...robbed a...
A store.
Ooh.
We robbed that store good.
Nice, nice.
You guys are all right.
Well, what do you expect?
We're rebels.
Hardened criminals.
Hardened.
Yeah, yeah.
In fact, we were planning
On hitting a house tonight.
A house?
I'm trying to get him
To drop us off at our place.
Ah, good, good.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
We're hitting a house.
Yeah, perfect for robbing.
Yeah, we've been watching it
For a couple of weeks now.
Owners are out of town.
Yes.
So, um, if you could
Drop us off there,
That'd be good.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I'm in.
Let's do it.
Whoa, whoa. Uh...
You're in?
What do you mean in?
I'm gonna hit the place
With you.
Oh, um...
Thank you?
Uh, but we don't really need
Any help.
Yeah, yeah,
This is more of a two-man job,
If you know--
You'd be a superfluous.
Superfluous?
It's on
My word-a-day calendar...
That I stole!
Well, look. Yeah, yeah,
You know, so we don't
Really need your help.
I want in!
Please join us.
Would you help us?
'Cause we could use the help.
You--please.
Good.
What's this?
It's a grapefruit.
Oh.
It's a little sour.
Good thing I always carry around
A little sugar with me.
[Music]
[Dogs barking outside]
Give me your head.
Hey! Hey! Watch it.
Ow, ow!
Okay, handcuffs, okay?
Ow! Ow!
Cuffs, cuffs! Ow!
Thank you.
You're next.
Oh, joy, joy.
Oh, just--gentle, gentle.
Okay watch the ears, please.
Watch 'em! Ginger!
Ginger! Ginger!
All right.
You got a big head.
Yeah, old news, dude.
So, who lives in this house?
Uh...
You know, some stupid family.
That we don't know.
Okay.
I'm gonna check out
The rest of the house.
Great idea.
You scope out the downstairs,
We'll scope out the upstairs.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Just over there.
Are you crazy?
What if mom, dad, and megan
Are downstairs?
Look, both of the cars
Are gone, all right?
So nobody's home.
Good.
Oh, quick, quick.
Let's call the cops
Before he comes back.
Yeah, right, right,
Right, okay.
All right.
All right, work together.
Teamwork.
Teamwork.
To the left.
No, grab it.
Come on, get--grab it.
All right,
Press the "," man.
Oh, this isn't gonna work!
All right.
Fine, fine, here.
I'll hold it behind my back,
You dial it with your nose.
I'm not stickin' my nose
Down there.
Would you rather take
Your chances
With a vicious criminal?
I think so.
Oh, just dial the number.
All right.
[Beep]
...
[Beep]
...
Ah-choo!
Oh, man,
You sneezed on my palm!
It is allergy season.
Man, these people are loaded.
Sterling silver jewelry.
Who are you guys calling?
Um...
Calling?
We were calling our boys.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Just to set up our next crime
To, uh...
Uh...
Kidnap the governor.
Yeah, kidnap the governor.
Whoa, seriously?
Oh, oh, yeah.
You know how much they'd pay
To get that guy back, come on.
I don't know,
His poll numbers are down--
Oh, really?
They'd pay a fortune!
Kidnapping the governor.
That's pretty insane.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah, we're nuts.
You don't wanna get mixed in
With us.
So you just better
Scoot on out of here
Before you get wrapped up
In our activities.
Whoa, wait, wait, man.
You're gonna need a little help
For a job that big, right?
Help?
Yeah--no, no,
We got our own little posse.
Call my crew.
You call it a crew?
Who sneezed on the phone?
It's allergy season.
[Spraying]
[Music]
Thanks.
Hey, how'd you learn to do that?
Never look me in the eye.
Message received.
So are we gonna talk
About this governor job or what?
[Car door slams]
What was that?
Sounded like a car door.
It's some goofy-looking dude
In a really bad shirt.
Both: dad.
Here.
I'll take care of him.
No, no, no, no, no!
Uh, we'll take him.
What do you mean?
Dude, do you want them
To hurt walter?
All right, just follow my lead.
Everybody hide.
Uh, yeah, hide, hide.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
I said I wanted an extra-large.
Oh, and--
Here.
Tape his mouth shut
And throw him in the closet.
Hey!
Yeah! Good call, good call!
Let's go, old guy we don't know!
[Walter shouting, muffled]
What are you doing?!
We'll explain later.
What?
What are we gonna do?
Look, I don't know.
What if they find out
We're not real criminals?
They cannot find that out!
[Crying] I don't wanna kidnap
The governor.
Kidnap the governor?
Look, we are not gonna kidnap
Anyone, okay?
We just gotta get those g*ons
Out of our house.
Oh, dad's cell phone.
Right.
Aah!
Shh!
Where's your cell phone?
I dropped it
When you guys att*cked me.
Oh, man.
Now, I wanna know
What's going on.
Okay, now what?
Uh, man, I don't--
Oh! Your magic kit.
Yeah, what about it?
Well, it's got all that fake
Blood and stuff in it, right?
Yeah, but how are we gonna--
Come on.
Wait! What are you doing?
What am I gonna do?!
Uh, here.
Play with this yarn.
Okay, come on!
[Screaming]
Okay, you know what to do?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me the blood.
Man, are we gonna do this
Or not?
You said we were pulling
A job.
We are.
We better be.
I left right in the middle
Of "american idol" for this.
You sure these guys
Are for real?
Yeah, man.
They were locked up
In the back of a cop car
When I found them.
These guys are hardcore.
All right.
You said I could grab
The governor.
[Groans]
I'm the one
Who calls the sh*ts!
Yeah, well maybe I'm sick
Of you calling the sh*ts!
Hey, jefferson, alvin,
Let's keep it cool.
Listen, I'm the one
Who's gonna grab the governor,
And you're the one
Who's gonna keep his mouth shut!
And who's the one
That's gonna make me?
Oh, not again.
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy now.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Screaming]
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't b*at that boy
With a banana!
[Josh screaming and moaning]
Whoa.
Aah!
Yeah! Yeah!
How you gonna grab
The governor with...
Aah!
With no hand?!
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, my god!
Yanked his hand right off!
And ate his finger!
That dude is psycho!
I'm gettin'
Out of this place!
Aah!
Go, go, go!
Aah!
My date never showed up.
[Music]
You know,
I hope you feel really bad
About putting us
Through all that.
Well, how were we supposed
To know that you were gonna get
All tangled up
With real criminals?
Well, just please
Don't have us arrested again.
Yeah, I've never been
So scared in my life.
I have.
Try walking into your kitchen
And finding your father
Wearing a prom dress
Stuffed with grapefruits.
Yeah, but that just--
Dad!
The closet.
[Straining]
[Screaming]
You left him handcuffed
In the closet?
Well, we forgot.
We're sorry.
That's terrible.
Yeah.
You gonna eat that dumpling?
Uh-uh.
How great
Are these egg rolls?
Awesome.
Hey, pass the fried rice.
Say please.
Please?
No.
[Music]
You guys have been behav--
Be-beh!
Well, it's the dress.
--Their own sugar?
That's drake's line.
Go ahead again.
You did it good, though.
You guys both did it.
I have.
Try walking into your kitchen
And finding your father
Wearing a prom dress
Stuffed in grapefruits.
[Laughter]
Darn it!
How could he be stuffed
In the grapefruits?
Sorry.
That's all right.
[Timer dings]
Mmm!
04x14 - Steered Straight
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.
Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.