03x09 - Foam Finger

[bunniefuu]

Drake: as far as brothers go,

Josh is ok.

Josh: I love having drake as a

Brother.

Drake: but every now and then...

Josh: but occasionally...

Drake: I want to hit him with

Something heavy.

Josh: but sometimes, I just want

To grab his little neck and...

Uurrgghh! Uurrgghh! Uurrgghh!

Drake: like the time he made

Fudge brownies for me and

Monique, this hot girl I was

Dating.

Josh: like the time I entered my

Fancy rat bobo into the rodent

Show.

Drake: monique was this french

Girl that was allergic to nuts.

Josh: bobo was this rat who I

Trained to do all these cool

Tricks.

Drake: one night, monique comes

Over to hang out, and josh

Brings us this big tray of

Brownies, right?

Josh: but drake bought another

Rat that looked like bobo and

Switched them as a little joke.

Drake: so me and monique

Scarfed down some of josh's

Brownies.

Josh: so then I tried to show

One of the judges this trick

Where bobo licks your nose.

Drake: and then all of a sudden,

Monique start sweating, and her

Face swells up like a

Watermelon.

Josh: and this deranged imposter

Rat bites the judge on his nose

And won't let go.

Drake: and she starts going...

[French accent] "why, drake?

Why have you given me nuts?

You know I'm allergic to such

Nuts."

Josh: and the judge starts

Yelling, "the rat is biting my

Nose! The rat is biting my

Nose!"

Drake: [regular voice] but you

Know what I learned that night?

Josh: even though drake can

Drive me crazy...i love that

Guy.

Drake: some french girls are

Drake: some french girls are really allergic to nuts.

Really allergic to nuts.

Drake: I'm home! Anybody here?

[Door closes]

Hello?

"Drake, please enjoy the last

Piece of apple strudel. Your

Loving brother...josh."

Sweet.

Mmm. Strudely.

Josh: drake?

[Door closes]

Hey. You were supposed to give

Me a ride home from school.

Drake: sorry, man. I waited as

Long as I could.

Josh: how long did you wait?

Drake: like, , seconds.

Josh: well, thanks a lot. I had

To walk all the way home.

A wiener dog chased me for

Blocks.

Drake: who runs from a wiener

Dog?

Josh: the point is when I ask

You to wait for me, the--

What are you doing?

Drake: standing here...

Chewing on strudel.

Josh: that was my last piece of

Strudel.

Drake: yeah. You said I could

Have it.

Josh: I did no such thing.

Drake: yeah, you did.

Josh: you know grammy sent me

That strudel for my birthday,

And I told every person in this

House, "paws off."

Drake: you left me a note saying

I could have it.

Josh: show me the note.

Drake: you wanna see the note?

Josh: show me the note!

Drake: I'll show you the note.

"Property of josh. Do not eat."

Ha!

Oh.

Oh. Josh: [mimicking] oh.

Josh: [mimicking] oh.

Megan: hey.

Any strudel left?

♪ I never thought

That it'd be so simple,

But I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

See what's inside,

It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find

Over your shoulder

You know that I told you

I'd always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around,

So just turn around, ohhhhh ♪

Ohhhhh ♪

Josh: are you copying my

Answers?

Drake: no. I'm just comparing

Your answers with the answers

I'm about to write.

Walter: hey, a padres game.

You guys wanna watch some

Baseball?

Audrey: yeah.

Megan: whatever.

Audrey: you know, I haven't been

To padres game in years.

Megan: we should go sometime.

Josh: yeah, fine. You can all

Go...without me.

Walter: oh, josh. Come on.

Josh: I will never go to a

Padres game again!

Walter: it's been years.

Megan: since what?

Josh: since some rotten kid

Started a fight with me when I

Was trying to buy a foam finger.

Walter: you were years old.

Let it go.

Audrey: hey, drake. Didn't you

Get into a fight with some boy

At a padres game when you were

Little?

Drake: yeah. Remember that

Little dorky kid freaked out

When I bought the last...

Foam finger?

Josh: it was you.

Drake: it was you?

Megan: wait. I thought you guys

Didn't meet until you were in

The seventh grade.

Josh: well, apparently we did

Meet before then. Once...

When you stole my foam finger!

Drake: I did not steal your foam

Finger, ok? I just happened to

Buy the last one. It's not my

Fault they ran out.

Josh: yeah, it was your fault,

And I'll never forget it.

I was years old, and I was at

My first baseball game, right?

So all I wanted was a foam

Finger, so I get in line, right?

There's this kid in front of me.

So I introduce myself very

Nicely...

Hey.

Drake: hey.

Josh: I'm josh. What's your

Name?

Drake: drake.

Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam

Finger.

Drake: um, could you not talk to

Me?

Josh: ha ha! You're funny.

Wanna be friends?

Drake: if I say yes, will you

Stop talking to me?

Josh: um, pardon me, but I think

You're next in line.

Drake: yeah, I know.

Hey, girls. Why don't you cut in

Line? You can all buy foam

Fingers.

[Girls cheering and yelling]

Josh: but...

Hey, no cutsies!

Um, I was in line!

Girls: whoo!

Josh: ladies!

Drake: got any foam fingers

Left?

Vendor: just one.

Drake: good. I'll buy it...

So he can't have it!

Josh: huh?!

Vendor: here you go. Last foam

Finger.

Drake: ha ha! I got the last

Foam finger.

Josh: daddy!

Aah!

You thumped me!

Drake: did not.

Josh: daddy!

Drake: aarrgghh!

[Both yelling]

Vendor: cops! Cops!

[Police blow whistle]

Josh: and then the cops had to

Come break it up.

Drake: all right. Wait a minute.

I did not start that fight.

Josh: you did, too. You thumped

Me in the back of my head.

Drake: no, no, no. I'll tell you

What really happened, ok?

I'm just standing in line

Minding my own business, and

Then he walks up to me and

Starts being all obnoxious and

Yelling at me.

Josh: hey! What the heck is

Taking so long?!

Drake: oh, don't worry. The

Line's moving pretty fast.

Drake: who asked you?!

Vendor: next in line?

Josh: he said, "next in line."

Get your butt out of your ears!

Drake: oh. Sorry.

Josh: just hurry it up!

Girl, english accent:

Pardon me, sir. I have only

Weeks to live. May I please cut

In front of you? Every minute

Counts.

Josh: aw! For the love of crud!

Drake: sure. Go right ahead.

Girl: you're very kind.

Drake: one foam finger, please.

Vendor: ok. It looks like you

Got the last one.

Josh: the last one?!

Drake: I'm sorry.

Josh: you're dead, punk.

Aarrgghh!

Vendor: cops! Cops!

[Police blow whistle]

Josh: aarrgghh!

Drake: so it was josh who

Started the fight.

Josh: that is so not how it

Happened.

Audrey: oh, that poor little

Girl.

Josh: there's no "poor little

Girl." Why would a dying british

Orphan be at a padres game?

Drake: orphans love baseball.

Megan: how come the concessions

Stand guy had a patch over his

Eye?

Drake: I don't know!

Josh: admit you made that whole

Story up.

Drake: no.

Josh: you started that fight!

Drake: you calling me a liar?

Josh: I ain't calling you a

Truther.

Walter: all right, boys--

Drake: you ruined my first

Baseball game.

Drake: oh, poor little josh.

Didn't get his foam finger.

Audrey: that's enough, drake.

Walter: stop it, josh.

Josh: you want a mouthful of

Fist?!

Drake: you want a buttful of

Foot?!

Josh: bring it, parker!

Drake: youbring it!

Josh: youbring it!

Megan: come on! Boob fight!

Drake: you know what? I'm not

Gonna fight you. I got a better

Idea.

Audrey: drake!

Josh: what do you mean "better

Josh: what do you mean "better idea?" I'm speaking to you!

Idea?" I'm speaking to you!

Josh: what are you doing?

Drake: just thought you might

Want to see something.

Josh: no! All right, there is

Nothing that you can show me

Right now that would ever make

Me forgive you--

[Gasps]

Drake: yeah. That's right.

Josh: the foam finger.

Drake: the last foam finger from

That padres game years ago.

Josh: you kept it all these

Years?

Drake: sure did...'Cause I love

It! You see, I forgot how much I

Love it, but since you reminded

Me, I'm ready to start...

Loving it again.

Josh: that finger should belong

To me.

Drake: yeah? Well, you can't

Have it. You know why?

Josh: why?

Drake: 'cause I'm number one!

Josh: aarrgghh!

Ha!

Drake: you crossed the line.

Josh: you crossed the line

Years ago.

Drake: get out!

Josh: no!

What are you doing?

Drake: later!

Josh: where are you going?

Josh: where are you going? Drake: I'm moving out!

Drake: I'm moving out!

Josh: aah!

[Cans clanking on floor]

What the--

Drake: can I help you?

Josh: what's up with the cans?

Drake: just a little burglar

Alarm I invented.

So no one can sneak up on me

While I'm sleeping in myroom.

Josh: yourroom?

Drake: that's right...since my

Old room is inhabited by an

Immature beast.

Josh: this is not yourroom.

Drake: yeah? Then why is my bed

In here, why is my guitar in

Here, and more importantly,

Why are youin here?

Josh: because this is the living

Room, and, uh...

Yeah! Living!

Drake: maybe, but not for long.

Josh: ok! You wanna tussle?!

Drake: tussle?

Audrey: what is going on now?

Drake: josh came into my room,

And he's making noises with

Cans.

Walter: yourroom?

Josh: ha!

Audrey: josh, you go to bed,

And drake, you clean that stuff

Up and get back up to your room.

Drake: not till he apologizes.

Josh: why don't you apologize

For ruining my childhood?

Walter: ok, you wanna act like

Children? Fine! Josh, go to bed!

Drake, you can do what you want,

But you're not allowed to stay

In this living room.

Drake: oh, man!

Audrey: come on, walter. Let's

Go back to bed.

Walter: all right.

Walter: all right. Audrey: oh!

Audrey: oh!

Walter: aah!

Drake: hey.

Walter: can't sleep in the

Walter: can't sleep in the bathroom either.

Bathroom either.

[Drake snoring]

[Watch beeps]

[Watch beeps] recording: lamp on.

Recording: lamp on.

Recording: lamp on. You're kidding me.

You're kidding me.

Hey.

Hey. Drake!

Drake!

Drake! [Drake continues snoring]

[Drake continues snoring]

[Watch beeps]

Recording: stereo on.

[Loud snoring]

Drake: aah!

What'd you do that for?

Megan: get out of here.

Drake: come on, I've got nowhere

Else to sleep.

Megan: go sleep in the attic.

Drake: no way. There's monsters

Up there.

Megan: drake.

Drake: look, I'm sleeping in

Here tonight. If you have to

t*rture me or remove my internal

Organs, go ahead. I don't care.

Good night.

Good night. Megan: fine. Whatever.

Megan: fine. Whatever.

Megan: fine. Whatever. [Drake snoring]

[Drake snoring]

Drake: was there more cornbread?

Walter: yes. Pieces left.

Josh, would you pass the

Cornbread to drake, please?

Cornbread to drake, please? Josh: nope.

Josh: nope.

Audrey: so, how was school?

Drake: you're the worst.

Josh: you sicken me.

Audrey: I see.

Megan: uh...anybody want more

Chicken?

Josh: I hope you go bald.

Drake: I hope they cancel oprah.

Josh: take that back.

Walter: all right, dinner is

Walter: all right, dinner is over.

Over.

[Doorbell rings]

Audrey: now, who's that?

Megan: I invited someone over.

Walter: now, how much longer are

You two gonna fight over a dumb

Foam finger?

Drake: until he admits he

Started the fight.

Josh: you thumped me in the back

Of my -year-old head.

Of my -year-old head. Drake: I did not.

Drake: I did not.

Lenny: hi, I'm lenny spodnick.

I think we talked on the phone.

Megan: yeah. I'm megan.

Come on in.

Lenny: nice place. Looks

Lenny: nice place. Looks expensive.

Expensive.

Walter: uh, hello.

Audrey: hi.

Lenny: hey. Is that cornbread?

Josh: uh-huh.

Audrey: megan, who's your little

Friend?

Megan: his name is lenny

Spodnick. Or you may know him

Better as the guy who sells

Foam fingers at the padres'

Games.

Lenny: used to sell foam

Fingers. I got promoted to

Bobble heads.

Josh: whoa...

Drake: you're the guy from the

Concession stand.

Josh: the foam finger guy.

Lenny: but now it's bobble

Heads.

Audrey: so, wait. This is the

Man who sold you the foam finger

Years ago?

Megan: yep.

Walter: how did you find him?

Megan: I called the stadium and

Asked if I could speak to the

Guy with the eye patch.

Wasn't hard.

Lenny: same way my ex-wife's

Lawyer found me.

Walter: not to be rude, lenny,

But, uh, why have you brought

Him here?

Megan: 'cause drake says josh

Started the fight. And josh says

Drake started the fight. And I'm

Sick of drake snoring up my

Room. So, here's an eyewitness.

Room. So, here's an eyewitness. No offense.

No offense.

Audrey: megan, that's very

Resourceful of you, but I doubt

If this gentleman's gonna

Remember something that happened

Years ago.

Lenny: oh, I remember these

Boys. Not too often you have to

Call the cops on -year-olds.

Josh: ok. Well, then would you

Please tell everyone that he is

The one that thumped me on the

Back of my head and that's what

Started the fight?

Drake: no. You can tell everyone

Here that he just att*cked me

For no reason.

Walter: could you tell us what

Happened?

Lenny: I'd be happy to.

Let me see, um...

The padres were playing against

The giants. And I was selling

Foam fingers. It was late in the

Afternoon. These boys get in

Line at the concession stand.

Audrey: ok, drake. Here's some

Money. You go get yourself a

Souvenir.

Drake: thanks, mom.

Audrey: megan, are you hungry?

Megan: yeah.

Audrey: yes. You can have a

Audrey: yes. You can have a cookie. Take the cookie.

Cookie. Take the cookie.

Josh: hey.

Drake: hey.

Josh: I'm josh.

Drake: drake.

Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam

Finger.

Drake: me, too.

Josh: cool.

Lenny: next in line.

Josh: hey, you're up.

Girl: hi. Is it ok if we cut in

Front of you?

Drake: cool with me. Cool with

You?

Josh: sure.

Josh: sure. Drake: go ahead.

Drake: go ahead.

Josh: you know, my dad's a

Weatherman.

Drake: wow. My mom loves

Weathermen.

Girl: thanks. Bye.

Drake: one foam finger, please.

Lenny: ok. Looks like you got

The last one.

Josh: aw, that's the last foam

Finger?

Drake: I'm really sorry.

Drake: I'm really sorry. Josh: daddy.

Josh: daddy.

Josh: daddy. Josh: oww!

Josh: oww!

You thumped me.

Drake: no, I didn't.

Josh: yaaa!

Drake: yaaa!

Drake: yaaa! Lenny: cops! Cops!

Lenny: cops! Cops!

Josh: so, it was megan who

Started the fight.

Lenny: that's right. She threw

The cookie.

Megan: wow. I was even cool

Then.

Drake: I can't believe it.

Audrey: mr. Spodnick, we really

Appreciate you clearing this up

For us.

Lenny: oh, I'm just happy I

Could help out. Oh, um, the girl

Did mention $.

Walter: $?

Walter: $? Megan: oh, just pay him.

Megan: oh, just pay him.

Lenny: thanks. My ex-wife ain't

Getting her paws on this.

Well, I better get going.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you a bobble head.

I got you a bobble head. Live it up.

Live it up.

Audrey: that was so nice of him

To do that.

Walter: no! He took $ from

Me.

Drake: yeah, but I get a free

Bobble head.

Josh: hey, maybe I want the

Bobble head.

Drake: I get the bobble head.

Josh: you got the foam finger.

Drake: you ruined the foam

Finger.

Josh: I want the bobble head.

This is so unfair. You always...

This is so unfair. You always... [Continues indistinct]

[Continues indistinct]

Megan: who wants cornbread?

Audrey: me.

Audrey: me. Walter: I do.

Walter: I do.

Josh: so, josh nichols, tell us

What it's like to be the first

Astronaut to set foot on

Jupiter!

Well, oprah, jupiter's cool, but

I much prefer being here on

Your show.

Oh, commander josh, you are so

Handsome.

Drake: hey, josh.

Josh: what up, drake?

Drake: is it cool if I move back

In?

Josh: oh, get in here.

Drake: look, I'm really sorry.

Josh: don't even say it.

We both acted kinda stupid.

Drake: yeah. Hey, I got you

Something.

Josh: a foam finger?

Drake: yeah.

Josh: how'd you fix it?

Drake: oh, you know.

Hot glue g*n.

Josh: drake parker, you know

What you are?

Drake: what's that?

Josh: number one.

Drake: cool.

Josh: oh, uh, and look.

I want you to have the bobble

Head.

Drake: aw, thanks, man.

Josh: can you believe us?

I mean, we've been fighting this

Whole week what we were fighting

When we were years old.

Drake: yeah. I wonder what it's

Gonna be like when we're .

Gonna be like when we're . Josh: yeah.

Josh: yeah.

Josh: I am starving.

Starving.

Drake: yeah. Where's megan with

Our dinner?

Both: megan!

Megan: I'm coming. I'm coming.

Drake, here's your oatmeal.

Josh, here's your cream of

Wheat.

Boobs.

Josh: wait. Wait, wait. I wanted

The oatmeal.

Drake: no. You asked for the

Cream of wheat.

Josh: you give me that oatmeal.

Drake: over my dead body.

Josh: fine. I could wait

Minutes.

Drake: that's it. I'm eating on

The other side of the room.

The other side of the room. Josh: so, who needs ya?

Josh: so, who needs ya?

Josh: so, who needs ya? Uhh!

Uhh!

You do something to me!

Drake: that's a lie.

Josh: it is on.

Drake: oh, it's on.

Josh: it's go time.

Drake: I'll show you go time.

Josh: I am coming at you fast as

Josh: I am coming at you fast as lightning.

Lightning.

Lightning. [Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Grunts] [snoring]

[Snoring]

Josh: drake?

Josh: drake? Drake, you awake?

Drake, you awake?

Oh, oprah.

Oh, oprah. Oh, commander nichols.

Oh, commander nichols.

It could happen.

It could happen. Voice: mm...