Lucky Jim (1957)

[bunniefuu]

Sweet city with her dreaming spires,

she needs not dew
for beauty's heightening.

STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES

# Ooh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy him

# Ooh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy him

# Oh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy him

# Oh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy him

# Oh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy him

# Oh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy him

# Oh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy him

# Oh

# Lucky. #

So much for the Chancellor's
installation. The seating plan
will be on the board.

Principal. Yes.
It's our first chancellor.

Shouldn't there be some decorations -
bunting, flowers or something?

Yes, there should. And the
quadrangle's looking pretty untidy,

bicycles lying around and so on.

Get some of your chaps onto it,
Welch. Hmm?

That's all, thank you.

Coffee, principal? Thank you.
Professor? Thank you.

Tell Dixon I want a word.
He isn't here, sir.

He didn't come to the meeting. Oh?

Why not?
Didn't come to the meeting?!

I distinctly told him! You live
in the same house - where is he?

KNOCK ON DOOR
Open up.

Dixon?

You're driving yourself too hard.

I'm limbering up for tonight at the
Welches. We're at the Swan tonight.

You are, but for me, it's culture,
lemonade and bed by 10.30.

Have you got a clean shirt?
Yes, I've got it on. Chuck it over.

This is important. I need to know
if Welch is keeping me on. Ask him.

I'm fed up of asking him.
He dodges it. Then go over his head.

I can't - it's like the Army!
You have to go through the channels.

Margaret Peel will be there.
Bound to be!

Still, this can't be helped.
Be careful.

Since that bloke dropped her,
she's been looking for a new victim.
I know!

This is my last chance
to make a good impression.

Last time, I knocked over a table -
a spindly thing with one leg.

Sounds like Margaret Peel!
There's nothing in that.

No? When I got there, it had four!
Sounds more like Margaret Peel!

And she saw me making a face.
Which one? Martian invader.

That's my favourite! Not hers!

Join the car trade like me. I'm off
to see a man about a Bentley.

Ah, sonny boy, come to spread
some sunshine?

I'm hoping to spread a little.

Well...what about
the Installation Committee, Dixon?

That's on Saturday.
This is Saturday.

So it is!

Not much point in hurrying now.
It's over.

Did anybody notice? Everyone.

I tried to cover up for you,
but as you were the only absentee...

Welch was livid.
That was a fine start.

If it's Saturday, I'm late
for my tutorial as well. Very.

By the way, you're doing the flowers.
What are you talking about?

The Chancellor's installation.
You're flowers and bunting.

Thanks(!) That makes it perfect(!)

You're welcome.

# Oh, Lucky Jim... #

"He could only satisfy his thirst for
glory by leading dukes, barons and
their armies against the French."

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Is that the lot? Yes. Do you think
it's a bit obvious, Mr Dixon?

No, no. But this point about his
ambition, his thirst for glory -

what makes you say that?

Well, it's in the book.
Don't be too impressed by that.

That's only one person's opinion.
I want yours.

Surely it's generally accepted
that Henry was ambitious. Bunkum!

It's Henry - someone
with ordinary human weaknesses.

Like you - only better-looking.

It was more profitable fighting
the French than staying at home.

I'd have stayed home
with the serving wenches.
What I think is this.

Henry and his boys had a great time,
sacking castles, chasing girls...

But they had guts.

The top brass were
in the thick of the scrapping.

BOY COUGHS LOUDLY
Nasty cough - have a lozenge.

The top brass mucking in like that
was a snag for the PBI

because they only got their cut
when the best of the stuff was gone.

But that's still true today.

So it wasn't a w*r of conquest at
all? Oh, yes it was. Indeed it was.

But what I'm saying, is that
it was grade-A binge as well.

Oh, I'm, er, sorry, sir. I didn't...
Carry on, Dixon,

just as if I wasn't...

Carry on.

Oh...thank you, sir.

Yes, well, I, um... Thank you.

Well, that's, um, just one aspect

of the, um...
Not the only one, of course.

Yes, well, that will be all for now.

I'd like you to think through the
earlier points we discussed and...

Well, thank you. Thank you, sir.

Good morning, sir. Good morning, sir.
Morning.

Grade-A binge, Dixon?

PBI?

Did you mean FBI?

No, sir, no. PBI.
It's students' abbreviation.

It stands for
poor battling infantry. Oh.

Even so, your picture of the flower
of chivalry is hardly...er...

As you know, I like my staff to be
completely free. Yes, I know, sir.

But when I say free,
there are limits.

Yes, of course, sir.

Good. I'm not happy about some of
the references in these notes.

What are they? My book on Merrie
England. I'd like you to check
the references. I'll try, sir.

When are you leaving? Leaving?
I have no intention of retiring.

I meant for the weekend, sir.
You invited me to stay.

It couldn't be this weekend. I've
asked some friends. I see, sir.

I suppose you could lend a hand.
Yes, drive down with me after tea.

That's very kind. And your notes?
Yes, don't waste any more time.

# Oh, Lucky Jim, how... #

Hello, James.

Hello, Margaret, I heard
you were back. Yes, I'm back.

You're looking well. One doesn't
die of a broken engagement, James.

Of course not. You won't want
to talk about it now. But I do.

I want to say something. Oh? It's
just that...I'm so utterly grateful.

Grateful? For what you did.

But I haven't done anything.
That's just it.

It was terribly understanding of you
not to come and see me.

Oh. Not many people would have been
so sensitive.

Well, I don't know... I do.

It's the sort of thing that
between two people creates a bond.

Bond? I shall never forget it,
James.

Never.

I'm sorry you can't come
to our party for Sir Hector.

Yes, unfortunately, I'm occupied.

I haven't really time myself,
with the end of term
and this installation.

And the History Memorial Lecture.

Bryant's broken his leg.
Bryant? His leg?

We were hoping you could help us
out. Well, I'd be happy to,

but it would mean burning the
midnight... No, you're far too busy.

Who's in your department?
Johns - no, not quite right.

What about this new chap?
What's his name? Dixon.

Dixon? Oh, he's quite unorthodox.
Might be an interesting experiment.

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

Sir. I couldn't wait any longer.
Too much to do.

Sorry, but I was finishing your
notes. Oh, next week will do.

I really wanted to see you about
Professor Bryant. His leg, you know.

Professor Bryant's leg, sir?
Yes, it's broken.

I can't possibly deal with it.
I have too many other things to do.

You'll just have to do your best.
With his leg? The Memorial Lecture.

You mean that I am to give
the Memorial Lecture?

Well, there's no other way out.

I'm sorry to have to bother you,
but my contract's only for a year.

Is it? Yes, and it's nearly up,

so if I'm not going to be kept on, I
shall have to look for another job.

A teaching job? Yes. Oh...well, let
me know what you decide, won't you?

ENGINE STARTS NOISILY

We shall be quite crowded out.

My son Bertrand is down
with his, er...

with his, er...

Well, she's Sir Hector's niece,
really.

Miss, er... She's Canadian, I think.
Though how on earth Sir Hector...

But he travels a great deal,
I suppose.

Do get out! How can I talk to you
in there? You've locked the door!
Locked it?!

You'd better take this now.
You'll find it all in there.

What is it, sir? Merrie England,
the first 300 pages.

You can draw on it freely.
Thank you. What for?

The Memorial Lecture. Sir Hector
will be there. He's a publisher.

He may be impressed. That's kind but
I'd rather choose my own subject.

If you're to become
my permanent assistant,

you'd do well to be guided by my
advice. My advice is Merrie England.

Merrie England.

I hope Mrs Welch can find you a bed,
Dixon.

You mean,
she doesn't know I'm coming?

Well, how could she? Celia?

Here.

Ah, there you are, my dear.

Oh, our young friend Dixon asked
if he might join us to lend a hand.

Good afternoon, Mrs Welch.
This is a surprise.

You haven't forgotten
Sir Hector's coming? No, no.

Now, where did I put my...?

How lovely to see you, James. You
should have said you were coming.

Come along, Mr Dixon.

We'd better put you in here.

This way. Oh.

Here you are.

WATER RUMBLES IN THE t*nk

Oh, it's, er...it's charming.

The maid will make up the bed.
Thank you.

My husband said you'd lend a hand.

Yes, Mrs, Welch, of course.

Well, perhaps you can sing.

Sing?!

# Oh, I burn me
Oh, I burn me

# Oh, I burn me, alas

# Alas, alas

# La la la la la la

# La la la la la la

# La la la la la la

# I burn me, oh, I burn me

# Oh, I burn me
Oh, I burn me

# Alas, alas, alas

# La la la la la la la la la

# La la la la la

# Oh, help, oh, help
Oh, help, oh, help

# Ay, me

# Ay, me
I sit and cry me... #

Come along, Dixon. att*ck it!

One, two...
# I cry... #

Yes, surely!
# I cry for help, alas

# But none comes nigh me. #

Bertrand, my boy! Father.

Still keeping the torch burning.

Good to see you. Come and join in.
My dear boy.

You look ten years younger. Sir
Hector not here? We're expecting him.

Ah, Mr Dixon, would you be so kind?

My son would like some coffee.
Oh, yes, Mrs Welch. No sugar.

Coffee for one immediately,
Mrs Welch.

Is that Bertrand's latest?

She's quite pretty, in a way.

Pity she looks so awkward.

Your coffee, Mr Welch. Ah,
the tenor - or was it the soprano?

I was trying a bit of both, really.

As I was saying, I often wish I'd
chosen a less exhausting profession,

like laying linoleum or something.

Darling, I must serve the coffee.

What exactly is your work, Mr Welch?

I suppose you academic fellows would
despise it, but I'm a novelist.

Nothing wrong with a good novel.
You'd like Bertrand's -
very interesting.

About a man who doesn't know if he's
m*rder*d someone or k*lled himself.

He has to work it out. The real
significance is deeper than that.

Is man an entity
or the projection of his own ego?

I'm working on the book jacket - an
abstract woodcut to show the theme.
It gives it body when it's visual.

Yes, well, I can't wait to see it.
When will it be published?

It isn't written yet.
A good novel is like a good wine -

it must be kept until it reaches
perfection. It's maturing.

The wood?

May we share the joke?
PHONE RINGS

Mr Dixon, would you answer
the telephone? Certainly.

It's in the dining room.
Will you excuse me?

What an extraordinary fellow!

Are you ready, Celia? Coming, Neddy.

Let me give you an A.

HE PLAYS A NOTE

I think that this should prove
exhilarating. Oh, I'm sure.

DOG WHINES
Boadicea, ssh!

Boadicea, put a sock in it!

Ready? One, two...

DOG WHINES

Bertrand!

Please take that dog out!

Come on, out you go!

Yes, I'll give Mrs Welch
that message. Goodbye.

Hello. Are you brassed off
with that lot too?

Come on, I'll give you a biscuit.
Come on.

Come on, there's a good girl.
How about that one?

DOG WHINES

Who brought that dog in?!

Sorry, sir.

(Sorry.)

A message from Sir Hector
Gore-Urquhart. Well? He can't come.

What do you mean? Who's not coming?
Sir Hector Gore-Urquhart.

What are you talking about, Dixon?

Sir Hector Gore-Urquhart, Professor.

He rang up -
well, his secretary did.

Rang YOU up? You should have asked
me to come to the phone!

I'm sorry.

HE SIGHS

What's all this about Sir Hector?

Sir Hector Gore-Urquhart -
and I'm tired of saying Sir Hector
Gore-Urquhart - can't come. Why?

I don't know why.
What's all the fuss about?

He's only coming down to become
a chancellor.

Probably some old cod who thinks
there's something in it for him. Sir
Hector is Miss Callaghan's uncle.

Oh, I say... I'm very sorry.
That's quite all right.

And the "fuss" is that he's
considering my book for publication.

That shouldn't take him very long.

If you weren't a guest,
I'd smack you on the nose.

No, you stay there. Sorry, old girl.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
What a bunch!

Brrrr! Even the dog tried
to get out!

What's the girl like?
97% Bertrand Welch.

They often take after
the chap they're with.

No, thanks, I have to get back.
I shouldn't be here at all, really.

I'm their guest.

You should have seen her -
she's a stunner.

The prettiest girl I've ever seen.

Well, some of those Italian
film popsies might be prettier.
They're special.

And she was with ME. Well,
when I say "with", I mean here.

Well...so far.

By Jove, it makes you realise
what's possible.

Anything's possible. Let's have those
again. What's the time? It's early.

But I've got to go. Easy with that.

What is the time?
Stop worrying about it.

But I must go.

HE SINGS DRUNKENLY

It really was great fun. Till next
week, then. Good night to you all.

It was such fun. Do we go the same
way? Yes, I'm glad to say we do.

I hope the buses...

Disgraceful! Dixon going off
to bed without a word to anybody.

Quite so, my dear. I'm afraid
his manners...no breeding.

Don't forget to turn off
the kitchen light, Celia.

All right.

# Ooooh, Lucky Jim!

# Ooooh, Lucky Jim! #

(Jim!)

HE SLURS: Margaret?
Jim, dear.

Is this wise? Wise?!

This is terrible.
Shh, they're still moving about.

Sorry, Margaret. Oh, don't worry,
Jim. What happened to you?

I went out. Did Mrs Welch...?
Yes, she did.

I told her that you'd gone to bed,
that you had a headache. Thank you.

Well, I, um...I'd better... Oh, Jim!

You're trembling like a leaf.
Well, it was a hell of a climb!

When did you realise
that you were...?

HE SLURS: I couldn't make out
which window it was!

Poor darling!
It was terribly naughty of you!

Well, I'd better be getting back...
Back? To my room.

Thank goodness it was only you. Jim!

Well, I mean, I might have picked
one of the Welches. What?!

What was that for?

Get out! What? I said, get out!
Margaret...

You're disgusting! Take your clothes
and get out of here before I scream!
Oh, my God! And don't blaspheme!

SHE SOBS

HE SIGHS

BERTRAND SINGS TO HIMSELF

DOG SNORES GENTLY

MUSICAL CHIMES

CHIMES STOP

CHIMES PLAY AGAIN

CHIMES STOP

CHIMES PLAY

DOG WHIMPERS

Shh!

JIM HICCUPS

HE HICCUPS

JIM HICCUPS

DOG WHIMPERS

DOG PANTS RAPIDLY

BIRDS TWITTER

HE SNORES

# Oooh, lucky! #

MAN SINGS OUTSIDE

BANG!

Oh.

DOOR CREAKS

Good morning. Oh, um...

Morning.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Are you looking for something?

Oh, er... No!

No, no, no, that's, um...

It's all right.

SHE GIGGLES

What an extraordinary place
to put a bottle!

You must feel awful.

No, I don't feel too good.

Let me pick this up for you.

I don't suppose they'll dust in here
for some time.

The maid!
What's the matter with her?

Oh, er, nothing, nothing.

It's just that, um... Well, I had
a fire in my bedroom last night.

A fire! Cigarette. Hole in the sheet
and two blankets.

How awful for you.
What will Mrs Welch say?

Can't you do anything?
I can't even think!

Maybe I could help. Would you?

Sure. Oh, if you could just look
at it. It is sort of a woman's job.

I'll try. Come on.

They're not only burnt, they're torn
too! I tried to make it look better.

I hacked it about a bit
with a razor blade.

At least it doesn't look so burnt!
I could've had a nightmare and stuck
my foot through it! Some nightmare!

To go through a sheet
and two blankets!

Yeah, well,
what am I going to do about it?

All you can do is make the whole bed
over with all this mess
at the bottom. Wonderful idea.

I'll be able to think up an excuse.
It won't like you've burnt them.

You wouldn't put your head
right down at the bottom to smoke!

What I said about your uncle, I'm
afraid I got off on the wrong foot.

That's OK. Bertrand says people
are over-aggressive when they feel
insecure among strangers.

Dixon!

You're wanted on the phone!

You go, I'll finish this off.

Dixon!

Well, I hope you have a satisfactory
explanation about last night!

Ah, there you are, Dixon.

We were wondering what, er...what,
er...happened to you last...night.

Dixon!

Excuse me, sir, telephone.
Must go, sir.

Ah, Mr Dixon.

Morning.

What happened to you last night?
Um, I'll explain in a minute,

after the telephone.
We're dying to hear.

Hello.

That you, sonny boy?
How's everything this morning?

Mother!

Is that you? Mother?!
What? You're really here?

Oh, and Dad, too.

Well, yes, yes,
I'll come straight away.

No. No, no, of course not.

Yes. Yes, right-o, then.

Goodbye, Mother.

I'm terribly sorry, Mrs Welch,
I've got to go.

My parents - quite unexpected
really. So goodbye and thank you,
Mrs Welch. Goodbye, all.

I'm sorry, sir. Goodbye.

DOG BARKS

£1...

£1.15/7.

Coming to breakfast, old boy?

£1.17/3 altogether. Look,
how much are sheets and blankets?

Oh, stop worrying about that.

You're like an old woman!
But they're Welch's and I burnt 'em.

Emigrate! Join the Army! Anything,
but stop creeping round Welch
for fourpence a week. I am not!

Look, you don't understand.
I'm a teacher.

I like the job. But have you got it?

Well, I...I don't know.

HE SIGHS

But I'm going to find out. Good.

I'm going to go right up to Welch...
That's my boy. Right up to him.

And I'm... And? I'm going to see if
I remind him of burning bedclothes.

Keys.

Professor.

Oh, yes,

I wanted to see you.

I haven't seen your ground plans.
Plans? For the quadrangle.

The flowers were to be rearranged.
Something festive. But it's
tomorrow. There's so little time.

I've got to work on Merrie England.
On Merrie England?
The work has already been done.

# Oooh, lucky, lucky... #

Looks proper artistic, dunnit?
Not bad at all. How many more?
Another couple of dozen, sir.

It's staggering 'em what does it. I
never like to see my pots congested.

Fine. Keep at it.

Oh, get this stuck up on the board
for me, Nesbitt. Thank you!

PHONE RINGS

HE SIGHS

Hello, what do you want?

This is Mrs Welch speaking.
I want to leave a message for...
Ah, that's Mr Dixon,

'isn't it?'

I've just been looking at my sheets
and blankets, Mr Dixon...

POSH VOICE: Ah, there's been a
mistake - there's no Mr Dixon here.

'What number?' 5,3,2,1, University.

Oh, that explains it.
This is the United Dairies.

Oh, Dixon.

Professor Welch is complaining about
bicycles being left at the main gate.

I'd see to it if I were you.

Thank you(!)

Oh, James.

Can you tell me where to put this?
Yes, by heaven, I can!
Don't shout at me, James.

Oh, I'm...I'm sorry, Margaret.

I don't know where I am -
decorations, the lecture! I thought
you might have an apology to make.

Who to? Well, to me! How do you
think I feel? How would any girl
feel after being compromised?

Compromised?
But who's been compromised?

Oh, I think you're horrible!

Don't touch me! Don't speak to me!
Keep away from me, you...you fiend!

SHE SOBS

Raise it up a bit!

Oh my...!

Hey!

Not that one, for heaven's sake!
Look at it!

Now get it off at that end.

Pick the ones
that don't mean anything.

And that goes for you, too! Sir, I
thought... Come on, don't muck about!

Who dreamed up this village fete
idea? Sir Hector will be amused.
No, he'll like it. It looks gay.

No!

Not hydrangeas, too!

What's the matter with them?
They're always pink!

That's how they grow, pink and blue.

You have blue? Well, we must have
some! Great pools of blue there!

I can't do that, sir. The blue's
booked for the Young Conservatives.

My good man, by that time, the
ceremony will be over. Then you can
come and collect your plants.

Look, sir, just tell us
what you want.

And put those up in the far corner!
Get it right out of here, Williams.

CHRISTINE GIGGLES

Hello.

That's Bert,
one of the founder members.

I was thinking it should be
carrying an umbrella.
He left it on the bus.

What does it mean?

Real joy is a serious matter. You
can tell that by looking at him!

He was one of the original...

It always amuses me to see
the efforts they made to express
their psychological fears in stone.

Is that what they were at? We
didn't expect YOU to appreciate it.

Come, Christine, I want my lunch.

Bye.

Cheerio.

Oh, er, sign here, guv,
for the flowers.

Now, the procession.

We shall assemble here and cross
the quadrangle to the hall.

I shall bring up the rear
with the chancellor.

Now, the ball.

Hutchinson? All fixed, Principal.
We have the town hall, a bar, a
licence, and an extension! Splendid.

You've got the idea!

FANFARE

Well. Hmm. You've certainly done us
proud, Welch. It was the best
we could do in the time available.

Welcome, Sir Hector. How are you,
Principal? Very well.
May I introduce Professor Welch?

This is...

Get round to that quadrangle quick
and load up them plants. Right-o!

I hear that Johns has proposed
some organ music for the procession.

Sir Hector, we were all...very,
very disappointed,

especially my son Bertrand,
who was looking...

Excuse me.

So sorry.

Sir Hector, may I present Mr Dixon,
also of the history department.
How do you do?

Oh, my...! Excuse me, sir.

'Ere!

Quick! Get them over there!

Put them back! For crying out loud,
put them back!

Where's the...?

What the devil are you doing? Got
to be moved, guv'nor. But you can't!

I think, Sir Hector, we ought
to get ready for the procession.

Leave the darn things alone,
can't you?! Oh, my heavens!

Get out of the way! Oi! Where do you
think you're going with this lot?

Here!

You blithering idiot!

STUDENTS LAUGH AND JEER

Bertrand! That oaf! What do you
want to listen to him for?!

We haven't even started
the procession yet!

Put those plants back, quick!

Back that lorry up! Joe! Charlie!

Get them bushes out of the way.

THEY LAUGH

Hey!

STUDENTS LAUGH

'Ere, let's have a go.

Go on.

LORRY STARTS UP

Oi! Stop! Look out!

Stop!

STUDENTS LAUGH AND APPLAUD

CRUNCHING

'Scuse me, guv'nor!

THEY CHEER

WOLF WHISTLES AND CHEERING

That was real bad luck, chum.

I understand, sir.

CEREMONIAL SPEECH BEGINS
INSIDE BUILDING

JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS

Of course, the fellow's an absolute
oaf. I don't know why Father
puts up with him. Couldn't we dance?

What, in this mob? My dear girl.

I'm told, Sir Hector, that
the mishap was of political origin.

Young Dixon, I'll take it up with
him, insisted on pink. I advised
blue. Often the cause of dissention!

Principal, would you forgive me
for ten minutes. I promised to join
my niece. Of course, sir.

I'd have booted Dixon out months
ago. Christine, there you are.

Hello, Uncle. Hello. Good evening.

Poor Dixon.
Peel's got him cornered again!

Rescue party, drink up!

It isn't your reputation that's
at stake. I've made excuses for you.

I know and I'm grateful, but you're
making a mountain out of a molehill.

So my reputation is a molehill,
is it? Thank you, James.

Just because I had a couple and
got in your room by mistake doesn't
mean to say you're compromised!

Nobody knows. Of course they know!
How? Who told them?

I did!

What?!

Why? Why?

James, after all we've been through
together, how little you really
understand me. I'm not quite sure.

SHE SOBS
Oh, James, I just...

There he is! Excuse us, Miss Peel.
Come on, we'll buy you a drink!

Sorry!

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us! #

CHEERING
He seems rather popular,
don't you think?

In one sense, my novel might be
considered to be an adventure piece,

but there are deep
psychological implications...

Three cheers for good old Dixon!
ALL: Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray!
Hip-hip hooray!

One can scarcely hear oneself talk.
They're enjoying themselves. Quite.

As I was saying, the psychological
implications... Excuse me. Dixon!

Dixon!
Do you care to come and join us?

Oh, um... Excuse me.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Sit down, old chap.

You know my niece and Mr Welch.
Hello.

Well, this is very kind of you, sir.
As I was saying! At the end of
the book, I reach the conclusion...

You ought to send it to a publisher.
I was rather hoping that you...

Don't you want to dance? I'd much
rather talk. I'd much rather dance!
Will you dance with me?

Yes.

Of course.

Would you excuse us, Sir Hector.
Certainly.

Welch, I'm going to need a brandy.

A br...? Oh, oh, yes, sir. I'll
get it myself. It may be one of
the cruder blends. That's all right.

Oh! I think we'd better sit down,
Christine. Perhaps if you held me
a bit closer. I'll try.

It's a bit ambitious really.

There. You see?

SHE GIGGLES

Are you staying till the very end?
Good Lord, no.

I was going, but... I was thinking
of going. Bertrand wants to talk to
my uncle and I'm rather in the way.

Oh, if you were going,
couldn't I take you home?

You don't have to. I'd love to. I'll
see you outside in five minutes.

Fine. I'll go and tell Bertrand.
Right. I'll see you outside!

Taxi!

How far are you going? Larchfield
Common. At this hour of the night?

What's the difference?
It's three mile.

It's your job to drive people
where they want to go.
Don't try to teach me my job!

Anyway, I'm booked. Booked?
Well, um...who by?

The Principal. I AM the Principal.
Yes, you look like him(!)

Ah, there you are. OK, but don't try
to teach me my job, wack!

What did Bertrand say? He wasn't
there, I left a message with Uncle.

Do you want Christine, Bertrand?
No, Sir Hector. Oh, well, when
you do, she's gone, slipped away...

with Dixon. Thanks.

What's that?

THEY LAUGH

It's funny how he ceded to talk to
you. May I ask you a question? Do.

How old do you think I am?
Oh, about, um...24.

That's just the trouble. Oh?

I won't be 20 until next birthday.
I only seem to be old.

It makes things awfully difficult.
Difficult?

Well, in, um...what way?

All the men I go out with seem to
think I'm older than I really am.
It's such a nuisance.

How do you mean? It's so difficult
if you don't want to be seduced.

JIM SNIGGERS

Oh, yes, I see(!)

That's one of the things I like
about Bertrand. Bertrand?! Yes,
he hasn't tried to seduce me once!

That's why you like him, because he
hasn't tried to make love to you?

Well, no, there's more to it than
that. There'll need to be. What else?

He's so intelligent. He knows so
much about people and how they feel
about...things.

Does he know how you feel
about "things"? I'm not sure.

But then I'm not really sure myself.

Anyway, Bertrand says that's
only natural at the beginning.
The beginning of what?

Of becoming adult. If I'm going
to marry Bertrand, I realise...
Marry?! Are you in love with him?

Why use that word? Why not?
I'm not sure I know what it means.
You must have come across it!

Does he send you to the dictionary
every time?! You're exaggerating!

It's simple. You know if you like
greengages or not, you know if
you're in love with Bertrand or not.

It isn't as easy as that.
You can change about people but you
can always be sure about greengages.

All right, what about rhubarb?
CAR BRAKES

Excuse me.

This is it. Oh. I'm afraid
I forgot to ask for a key.

Would you mind coming with me
in case I can't get in? All right.

You'd better wait.

You won't be long.

Oh, it is open.

I'll, er, put the light on for you.

Have some cocoa.

I don't want any cocoa.

When am I going to see you again,
Christine? I don't know.

What about some supper
after the lecture tomorrow night?

I-I don't think I can do that.
Why not?

It's too complicated.

Well, what about coffee
tomorrow morning?

Where?

Central Hotel, 11.30.
TAXI HORN BEEPS

All right, I'll try. You must go.

Night, Christine.

And the next thing I know,
my dear chap, she's in my arms.

Her head comes up to about here. Are
you going to do something about it.
We're having coffee this morning.

How's your lecture coming along? All
wrapped up and ready to go! Listen.

Now then, where are we? Here.

"And so, let each and every
one of us speak out fearlessly
in the cause of rustic culture.

"In this way, we will keep
a garden in our hearts
that is for ever Merrie England."

You're going to keep a garden
in your heart?

Does it mean anything?
Not a perishing thing!

"Keep a garden in your heart"?!
They'll chuck chairs at you!

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry I'm late, Christine,

but, er, well, I got a bit held up.

How are you?

(Fine.) Good.

Like some coffee?
Waiter, two coffees, please.

You're not nervous being here
with me, are you? No.

Well, er, everything all right
at the Welch's?

Yes.

No trouble about last night?

No.

At least... Yes? Jim...

Yes, Christine.

Thank you!

Well?

What? You were just going
to tell me something.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Look, have a cigarette. No.
Thank you.

Bertrand's been unpleasant, has he?

Not only Bertrand, all of them.

They made me feel...mean.
They're pretty good at that.

Christine,
is that what's upset you?

I mean, not what happened last
night? Yes, it was, partly.

Partly?

Christine, I mean...

Didn't you like what happened? Yes.
I mean, I did at the time.

Now I...I don't think I should have
come here this morning.
What's wrong with having coffee?

Or rather, not having coffee.
It's not that.

What is it, then? Can't you tell me?

I just make trouble for everyone.
I just make them unhappy.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Look...Christine, you've made me
happier than I've been for months.

That's just it, I was sort of settled
with Bertrand till you came along.

Now I... Jim, I've decided
what I'm going to do.

Oh? What's that?
I'm going to give up men.

WHAT?!

What?

For a few years, anyway.
I don't really think I'm old enough
for this sort of thing.

Do stop worrying about your age.

I've got to worry about it!
Nobody else does. You're not going.

I shouldn't have come. Are we going
to see each other again?
It's better that we don't.

I shall be coming to the lecture.
Lovely(!) Grand(!) I'm sorry.
I'm sure I'm doing the right thing.

Goodbye. This is ridiculous.

Christine!

My change. Change?

Yes, I gave you two bob.
Coffee's 1/6. That's right.

Most gentlemen give me a tip.

Most gentlemen would give you
a kick up the...!

What are you going to do? I'm going
to tell Welch where he gets off!

It's quite out of the question.

We can't start chopping...and
changing everything just because...
I just want to give my own lecture.

You are undermining my, er...
my, er...

Going off in the middle of the ball!
How can I explain that to Mrs Welch?

Or the disgrace you made of the, er,
procession?

But Mrs Welch... Mrs Welch
has nothing to do with it!

I can't be expected to suffer...
My wife says not only the sheet,
but two blankets as well!

I should have apologised before,
sir. Please keep to the point!

You are representing me, Dixon,
the history department. There's
the question of your contract.

Ooh, I was something of a rebel
myself at your age.

Youth must give place to...
Yes, sir.

Good. I'm very glad we've had
this little talk. I'm always behind
you, Dixon. Don't forget that.

No, sir, I won't.

It's all there in the manuscript
I gave you. Merrie England.
PHONE RINGS

History speaking.

Ah! Here you are, Dixon.

Go away! Now, listen, you stinker...
Buzz off! I've got my lecture to...
Damn your lecture! About Christine.

She's only a child. You ought
to know better. I'm not having it,
Dixon. You've already had it!

Precisely the attitude one expects.
Amongst decent people, Dixon, there's
a code. Put a sock in it! When...

When a young girl becomes emotionally
involved... With you?! Definitely.

Has she told you? I'm here to teach
you manners, not answer questions!

Some other time! Why, you dirty
little grammar-school pipsqueak!

Put up your fists! Melodramatic
tripe! People stopped saying that
when button-boots went out! Father!

Right! You've asked for it.

Right. ..Ooh!

Perhaps that'll teach you a lesson!

JIM LAUGHS, KETTLE WHISTLES

DOG BARKS

Get down, blast you!

Have I come at a bad time, old boy?
Not at all. Mr Welch is just going.

Boadicea, stop it!
You won't get away with this, Dixon.

Not with me, you won't. Better
start looking for another job.

Oh...fall down the stairs!

Come on.

Well! What was all that about?

Christine. Oh, jolly good.

There. Cheers. Cheers.

What about Christine? She's given
up men. What's she going in for now?

Why are we having a party? Tune you
up for the lecture. I'm back up
the creek with Merrie England. Look!

Nice! You're on in four hours' time.

Oh! Take a couple of these pills,
old boy. They give you confidence.
I use them for selling pre-w*r cars.

I say! That eye
is going to be a beauty.

Tell you what - if you get stuck,
I'll create a diversion. I'll faint.

If you want me to, scratch your
ear - like this. Don't be a clot!

Better shove this on your eye. Ooh!

Dinner jacket? Yes. Got a shirt?
Yes. Good. Mine's filthy.

Given up men(?) She doesn't know
what's good for her!

I've made up my mind, Bertrand.

My dear girl, by renouncing mankind,
you can't possibly expect
to solve your problems.

Though I must say, it shows
a familiar defence mechanism.
We'll talk about that later.

Look after her for me, will you?
She's quite domesticated.

Thank you!

Merrie England - a subject I have
studied over a period of many years.

Chancellor, we're due on the
platform in five minutes. Excuse me.

Welch, I'm looking forward
to this lecture of Dixon's. Hmm!

SPLASHING
Ah! Dixon!

Oh! Good evening, sir.
Nervous? A bit, sir.

Take a good pull at this. Well...

Go on! Thank you very much, sir.

Feel better? Much, thank you, sir.
As a matter of fact, I've already
taken some pills to pep me up.

You have? Good Lord! Perhaps
you oughtn't to have taken this.

Pep pills and alcohol
can make you drunk pretty quickly.
I'm feeling all right, thanks, sir.

Nasty eye. Yes, sir.

You don't seem to have much luck,
Dixon. Oh, I dunno, sir.

Where did you go to school? Local
grammar school, sir. How long have
you been in this game? Nine months.

Happy? Not particularly. Where's
the trouble - in you or the job?

Oh, both, I daresay. I waste
their time, and they waste mine.

You think teaching history is a
waste of time? On the contrary, sir.

Well taught, it can do people a lot
of good. Bad teaching's the trouble.

I see. Well, Dixon, tonight
you can show us how it's done.
Afraid not, sir. Oh?

The lecture isn't mine. It's
Professor Welch's. Welch's? Yes.

By agreeing to give his, I may have
saved myself from getting the sack.

Really? I'm afraid you're in for a
boring evening, sir. It's all right.
I suffer hours of boredom every day.

A couple more won't break my back.
Why do you stand for it, sir?
You can afford not to.

I'm afraid that's a question
I haven't time to answer now. You're
the star tonight, Dixon. Good luck.

Thank you, sir.

Star!

HICCUPS

# Ooh, lucky! #

APPLAUSE

All right, Welch?

CLEARS THROAT
Er, Chancellor, my Lord Mayor,
ladies and gentlemen.

It is my happy duty to announce

that, er, er, Professor Bryant's
lec... That although Professor
Bryant cannot be with us tonight,

the History Memorial Lecture
will be delivered
by a member of my department.

It is natural, therefore, that he
should have chosen for his subject

er, my, um...

That he should have chosen
Merrie England.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Dixon.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GASPS AND TITTERS

Pretty!

(Start, Dixon! Start!)

(It is...)
CLEARS THROAT

SLURRING:
It is a truism

that the character of an age

can best be defined
in terms of its art.

(What's the matter, Dixon? Go on.)

Sorry, sir. A bit nervous.

SLURRING EVEN MORE:
How better, then, can we reveal

the happy, carefree spirit of the
Middle Ages than through its music?

And, in particular,

in the structure
of the Tudor mad-rigal.

TITTERING

Ssh! Ssh!

It...

..would not be going too far to say

that the madrigal,
in its purest form,

may be...in its purest form,

may be taken to represent
the highest ideals of democracy.

As a 'stinguished scholar...

PEALS OF LAUGHTER

..distinguished scholar...
Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

..as a distinguished scholar
has observed,

and happily
he is with us here tonight...

.."While each strand
in the marvellous web of polyphony

"is a thing of beauty and delight,

"the total effect
to the outside listener

"may always seem to be less...
less than the sum of its parts.

The fellow's an absolute fool!

(Get on with it, Dixon!
Stop wasting time!)

How clear the implications are...

This was performers' music...
GROWLING

Everybody sang, everybody -

scullions and serving wenches,
they sang.

The lords and their ladies,
they sang. And the children sang.

And the archers sang,

and the bowmen, and the yeomen,
they sang.

There are cynics, of course,
who will decry
the moral influence of the lute.

WHIMPERING

THEY JEER

(Well, Dixon, continue. ..Dixon!

("It is not
without significance...")

It is not without,
er, significance

that the arts...the arts included

stained glass music...

..stained musical glass,

and arti-checture...

especially
a class-ecclesical architecture.
HICCUPS

(He's drunk!)

Such were the simple joys
of olden times.

One wonders what
the good citizens of that happy era
would have thought of the effusions

of the radio, the cinema,

and television.

"One wonders"? Well, who wonders?

I don't wonder! Do YOU wonder?

NO-O!

What do you think you're doing,
Dixon? What do I think I'm doing?
That's a good one! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'll tell you what I'm doing!
Henry Ford said, "History is bunk!"

Well, if the stuff I've just
dished out to you is history,
Henry Ford was right! Hurray!

Aagh!

Shut up! Don't worry about him, he's
faking. Get up, Bill! I'm all right.

Merrie England?! Lutes and flutes
and chase-me-round-the-maypole?!

Phoney baloney!
It never was merrie! It was m*rder.

Poverty, starvation, ignorance,
tyranny, bloodshed - the lot!

But the boys that feed you that
soft-centred slop about the good
old days, they don't want to know!

They can't take it! Facts are too
nasty for them. Can't bear reality -
cover it up, that's their motto.

Well, don't you do it. Just take
a look at the facts - they're all
around you. Don't be afraid of them.

They won't bite. They may nibble
a bit, but you bite 'em back!

(What do you think you're doing?!)

There was another thing, too...

LOUD CHEERING

CHANTING: Good old Dixon!
Good old Dixon!

Good old Dixon! Good old Dixon!

Good old Dixon!

Good old Dixon! Good old Dixon...!

BELLS CHIME

Perhaps it was all a little unfair.
Only one of you against
so many of us. Goodbye, Dixon.

Goodbye, sir. Thank you.

Oh, Dixon!

In my day, we found Nelson's Blood
was a help. Sir?

Rum and strong ale -
pulls you together.

Would aspirin do any good?

No. Nothing less than a guillotine.

What a farewell! How do you feel
as a retired junior lecturer?

Oh! When I can feel anything,
I think I'm going to feel fine.

Like getting out of jail! Ooh!

That's where we dropped you, old boy.
Mmm? Getting you upstairs.

Well, what are you going to do?
Look for another job, I suppose.

I'm free, very ill and only 24.

Well, what else?

Ah!

Merrie ruddy England!
Now, where are those sheets?

Coming up.

Right. Now for the Welches.

PHONE RINGS

Yes? ..Speaking.

..Who?

Oh! Oh, good morning, sir.

Yes, I'm afraid so, sir.

Have you got anything in view?
Would you care to come and see me
at my London office next week?

Oh, I would, sir.
Thank you very much, sir.

..Thank you very much, sir.
Goodbye, sir.

Johns, there's a call for you.

Who is it? The Principal. They're
fetching him. You have to hold on.

Hello?

Well, good luck, old boy.

Thanks, Bill. So long. So long.

Hello?

RINGS DOORBELL

Well?

Ah! Good morning, Mrs Welch.
I owe you a sheet and two blankets.

Hope you like the colour - white.
Dixon! Where have you been? I was
phoning. I had to see the principal.

Nonsense. You only see the principal
through me. This was urgent. You saw
him over my head? You weren't there.

You have the impertinence to come
here... Please, let me deal with it.

I'll see you in my rooms... Sorry,
it's impossible. You've a nerve!

Let me handle this. Dixon's a member
of my staff... But I'm not. What?

Your staff. I've resigned. Rubbish!
It's not the end of term.

Your contract...
Stick it up your jumper!

I beg your pardon, Mrs Welch. Neddy,
Bertrand, are you going to allow...?

No, I'm not! Look here, Dixon...
One at a time, please.

Mrs Welch, you've got your sheets.
No need for thanks.

Here's Merrie England. It had me in
fits. Get Johns to set it to music.
Oh, and razor blades for Junior.

If you don't get out of here,
I'll...I'll... Well, go on.

I'll give you the biggest...
Bertrand! Listen to me...

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

Quiet!

Now, I'd like to speak
to Christine. Oh, would you?

Ah, James! Look, I was just going.
I came to say goodbye. Goodbye?

Yes, I'm leaving, but I've got
to see Christine. Well, you won't.

Oh, won't I? Christine! James, stop
behaving like an idiot. She's gone.

On the 11.15. So you may as well
calm down and listen to me.

I think we ought to go somewhere
quiet and talk this over calmly.
The last time we were together...

James!

James!

James!

Who's there? It's Dixon! He's stolen
the car! Dixon's stolen the car!

Well, stop him! How? I'll catch him!

Get the police. Too late. Margaret,
is this yours? Can I borrow it?
Yes. I'll ring for the police.

He'll make straight for the station.
The station, quick!

Blasted thing!

Mad! Ought to be locked up.

Mother must have taken the short
cut. The what? The short cut -
across the stile.

Never get a car over there!
Not Dixon! Mother! Other what?

BANG!

TRAIN WHISTLES

Single to London, quick!

It's a disgrace! What does it mean?

BLOWS WHISTLE

Open her up! Come on! Quick!
Sharpish! All right, throw her in!

# Oh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy him

# Oh, Lucky Jim

# How I envy

# How I envy him!

# Oh, Lucky Jim

# How...I envy him! #