-But, but Uncle Ned.
But Uncle Ned.
Uncle Ned, I have spent
a year writing this book.
-I will not sign anything!
-They won't publish it
unless you sign a release.
-I have never seen such a
distortion of the truth.
Mm, on page, on page ,
you say that I walked up
to the Queen of Romania
and said, "Hi, toots."
Nothing could be
further from the truth.
It was during the
World's Fair, she'd
been walking about
all day, and I
said, "How are your tootsies?"
I was being solicitous.
-But Uncle Ned--
-And on page ,
here's another one.
Mm, slanderous.
That's all it is,
just slanderous.
I was not ejected
from Carnegie Hall
for playing my harmonica during
a Jascha Heifetz concert.
I was not!
It was my flute,
and I was playing it
in the lobby during
intermission.
And as I remember, my
review was better than his.
Front page. [laughs]
With my picture!
-Tell him he's got to sign!
Your publisher's flying out
from New York in two days.
-If this book is published
without my permission,
I will sue.
Just as I sued Clarence Darrow.
Trying to make a
monkey out of me.
-Uncle Ned, we're not getting
anywhere on the telephone.
I think we ought to talk
this over in person.
-Well, that suits me fine.
"My Uncle Ned."
If I did half of
those things, they'd
be after me with
a butterfly net.
This is the last time I'll
ever buy a suitcase made
from the skin of a polar bear.
Always have to keep
it in a cool place.
[theme music]
[phone ringing]
-Tilly?
Tilly?
Anybody wants me, I'm at
my nephew's downstate.
Yes.
-I understand, Mr. Wilson.
If anybody wants you, you'll
be at your Uncle Ned's.
Have a good time, Mr. Wilson.
-Henry, you're going
to spoil your dinner.
-Alice, I wish you wouldn't
talk to me like that.
That, that's the same tone
of voice you use to Dennis!
-Oh.
Henry darling, you're going
to spoil your appetite.
Is that better?
-Much.
-That was Mr.
Wilson on the phone.
He's leaving first thing in the
morning to visit his Uncle Ned.
I'm gonna water his
lawn while he's away.
-That's very nice of you
to do that for him, Dennis.
-Oh, I'd do anything
for Mr. Wilson.
He's my friend.
And besides, he's
gonna pay me $ .
-Hi, Uncle Ned.
-Oh hi, Dennis!
My, but it's good to see you.
Do you know something?
It's taken me
exactly three hours
and minutes to get from
my front gate to the spot
right here.
Oh, I could have
made better time,
only they chased
me off the freeway.
Yes, the highway patrol.
I want to tell you,
I'm a much safer skater
than a lot of those drivers.
How have you been, Dennis?
-Fine thanks, Uncle Ned.
-Your mother and dad?
-Fine.
-Mmm.
[doorbell rings]
-Where is that numbskull
nephew of mine?
-Did you come to see Mr. Wilson?
-Well, how many numbskull
nephews do you think I have?
-Jeepers, he went to see you.
-Well there you are.
You see, that shows
he's a numbskull.
I am not there.
What's he lock the door for?
Doesn't he trust anybody?
-You can come over to our house.
-Oh thank you, Dennis.
Thank you.
But uh, I don't believe
that'll be necessary.
[clicking sounds]
-Jeepers, how did you do that?
-If I wanted you
to know Dennis, I
wouldn't have
opened the umbrella.
-Hello?
Hello, operator.
Operator.
[thunder]
-Operator-- I know he
went to visit his nephew.
I'm the nephew he went to visit.
Now would you please
put my call through?
[phone ringing]
-Hello?
Oh hi, Mr. Wilson.
Where are you?
What?
He's here.
-Already?
No, no, no!
Tell him to stay there.
I'm driving right back.
-He's at your house.
-How did he get
in without a key?
[thunder]
-Oh, the old umbrella trick.
Well, tell him to be
sure to wait for me.
-OK, Mr. Wilson.
Bye.
-Bye.
[thunder]
-Mr. Wilson said he
was leaving right away,
and he wants you to
wait until he gets back.
-I have no intention of leaving.
None whatsoever.
-Do you always talk
to people standing
on your head, Uncle Ned?
-Huh?
I'm doing my yoga exercise.
-Oh.
Well, it looks like you're
standing on your head.
--[laughs] My, that's a very
stimulating exercise, Dennis.
Tones up the brain
cells, keeps you alert.
Wonderful for your memory.
Helps you never to forget.
I learned it all in India from
a professor named uh, uh, hmm,
what was his name?
-Boy, you sure have had an
interesting life, Uncle Ned.
No wonder Mr. Wilson's
written that book about you.
-A book?
It's a mass of lies.
Imagine accusing me of calling
the Queen of Romania "toots."
-What did you call her?
-"Your Majesty."
When the King was around.
[phone ringing]
-Hey!
-Mm hmm?
-That sounds like our phone.
I'll be right back.
-What was that professor's name?
A, B.
-Does John Wilson live here?
-Yeah, but he's not home.
-I have a telegram for him.
-I'll be happy to
give it to him.
-OK.
Make sure he gets it.
-Bye!
-Bye.
[phone ringing]
-Where are you, Mr. Wilson?
-I'm still here.
[thunder]
-There's a terrible
storm and the bridge
has washed out up here.
I, I can't get back.
-It's a beautiful day here.
The sun is shining
and it's real warm.
-Dennis, I didn't call
for a weather report.
-OK.
Oh, I almost forgot.
A messenger just gave
me a telegram for you.
-Who's it from?
-I don't know.
There's no return
address on the envelope.
-Dennis, they don't
put a-- oh, never mind.
Just open it.
-I got it open, Mr. Wilson.
Do you want me to read it?
-Please!
-"Due to change in plans,
am arriving your city today
to finalize details regarding
publication of your book.
Would appreciate you arranging
for me to meet Uncle Ned.
Sounds like
fascinating character."
It's signed Charles D. Winfield,
Winfield Publishing Company.
Did you hear all
that, Mr. Wilson?
[thunder]
-Oh no!
-John, what's the matter?
-Dennis just read me a
telegram from Mr. Winfield.
He's arriving a day early.
-Today?
-And we're stuck up here!
-And Uncle Ned's down there!
-We're up here, Uncle
Ned's down there,
and there goes my whole
career if Uncle Ned
meets Mr. Winfield
before I [gasps].
Dennis, let me talk
to your father!
-Oh, he's not home.
He and Mom went
downtown shopping.
-Oh fine.
Then Dennis, I'll
have to depend on you.
Dennis, Uncle Ned does not
want my book to be published.
-Why not?
-Because he's a stubborn old--
[thunder]
-What's that, Mr. Wilson?
I didn't hear it all.
-Uh, it's just as well.
Dennis, I came up here to
try and reason with him.
But if Uncle Ned meets Mr.
Winfield before I have a chance
to talk to him, he'll
ruin the whole deal
and I'll have to
give back the $ , .
-What $ , ?
-The advance the
publishers gave me, Dennis.
Now I do not want Uncle
Ned to meet Mr. Winfield.
I say again, I do not want
Uncle Ned to meet Mr. Winfield.
Do you understand?
-Yes sir.
I think so.
-Fine, fine.
Then you've got to help me.
Dennis, you've got to get
Uncle Ned out of the house
and make sure he doesn't
meet Mr. Winfield.
Do you understand?
-Yes sir, but what'll
I do with him?
-Anything!
Take him to the park,
feed him to the squirrels!
The old nut.
If he gets tired of the park,
you can take him to the--
[thunder]
-Dennis?
Dennis?
The phone's dead.
-The lightning must've
struck the line.
-Oh, I wish it had been me.
Dennis!
[thunder]
-I was only fooling.
-Beautiful day, Dennis.
Good idea of yours to go
to the park, you know.
Nothing like a park
on a beautiful day.
[pop]
[pop]
[pop]
[pop]
-You know, I've always wanted
to do a thing like that.
-Me too!
-Me too, but I can't afford it.
$ . please.
-Hey you!
Hey, hold it!
You're under arrest.
-What for?
-For destroying
that man's property.
-It's all right,
Sergeant Mooney.
We paid for them.
Didn't you, Uncle Ned?
-I certainly did.
What do you think I am?
Some kind of a nut?
-Uncle Ned?
Dennis, is this your uncle?
-No, he's Mr. Wilson's.
-Mr. Wilson's?
Oh well, that
explains it! [laughs]
-Exactly what do
you mean by that?
-Oh nothing!
Glad to meet you, Uncle Ned.
-Sergeant Mooney's about the
best policeman on our force.
We haven't had a
pickpocket in the park
since he's been on this b*at.
-Well, really?
Well, well, well, Sergeant.
I congratulate you, you know.
I have an idea this whole town
will be eternally grateful.
-Well, I guess I better
get back to the car
in case the lieutenant calls.
[laughing]
-What's the matter,
Sergeant Mooney?
-What happened to my car keys?
-You mean these?
-Oh, I guess I must
have dropped them.
-And your badge, Officer.
-Huh?
-And your pencil.
-Oh now, just a min--
-And the handcuffs.
-How did you--
-No, no.
I promised Uncle Houdini I'd
never divulge the secret.
Don't you think
it's getting late
for a motion picture, Dennis?
Don't you think we
ought to go home?
-Jeepers, it's a great movie.
The Lizard Man
marries the Wolf Girl!
-Well, well, well.
Well now, just a minute.
Let me see.
There were six hot dogs,
four ice cream cones,
two bags of peanuts
and eight balloons.
Oh, I wonder if I'm going
to have enough money.
Any place around here where
I can get a check cashed?
-Oh, Mr. Quigley'll
cash it for you.
He always cashes
Mr. Wilson's checks.
-In there, huh?
-Yeah.
-Well, you run
along and find out
what time the picture starts.
-Yes sir!
-Not too fast now.
-Good day.
Oh, yes sir?
-I wonder if you'd cash
this check for me, please?
-Well, I I'm afraid
I don't know you.
-I am John Wilson's uncle.
-Oh, then you won't
mind if I call him.
-I don't believe he's home.
-Well, do you have
any identification?
A driver's license?
-No.
-I'm afraid my insurance
company won't allow me to.
-Well, would a pilot license do?
-Do you fly?
-Well, just the propeller
driven aircraft, yes.
They haven't checked
me out on jets.
But here.
-Oh.
Oh, yes.
Well, that'll do.
$ , Ned Wilson.
Oh, you must be Uncle Ned!
I heard that Mr. Wilson
wrote a book about you.
You're supposed to
be quite a character!
-That is the impression
that he's trying to create.
The whole thing is a
badly written, misspelled
encyclopedia of falsehoods.
It will never be published.
Never!
Character indeed.
-There you are.
-Thank you.
Thank you very much.
-[inaudible]
-Grandma Robinson's
homemade relish?
-Uh, $ . a jar.
The best we've ever had.
-Oh?
-Would you care to try a jar?
-Well, I uh--
-Double your money back
if uh, you don't like it.
-Oh.
Well, that's fair enough.
-Yes.
-No.
Please, don't bother.
I'll eat it here.
-Here?
-Yes.
You have a spoon, please?
-Well uh, yes.
-Oh, thank you.
I don't like it.
May I have my $ . ?
-$ . ?
-Double your money back
if you don't like it.
I don't like it.
Thank you.
May I have two jars of Grandma
Robinson's homemade relish?
-Why?
You don't like it!
-I know.
But I may like the next two.
-Now look!
One jar to a customer.
-Doesn't say that on the sign.
-Well, it doesn't say
it, but it means it.
-If it meant it,
it would say it.
-Now look, you--
-Do you know the penalty
for misleading advertising?
-Misleading?
-Two jars, please.
-Don't like either one?
-$ , please.
-I'm discontinuing the offer.
-It says nothing
about a time limit.
I believe the fine for
misleading advertising is $ .
Thank you.
-I know.
Four.
-Eight.
-Eight!
-And besides the fine of $ ,
you can get one year in jail.
-Don't bother.
I know you're not
going to like them.
-Thank you.
I think I'll let these ride.
It's the first time I ever
played relish roulette.
Well, in a way, it's a
variation of the system
I used when I broke the
bank at Monte Carlo.
-Broke the bank!
[crash]
-Come on, Uncle Ned!
We'd better get going!
The picture starts
in five minutes.
-Oh Dennis, am I
glad to see you!
Here, have a lollipop.
-Thanks, Mr. Quigley.
And thanks for cashing
Uncle Ned's check.
I told him you would.
-You told him.
-Hey, do you know
Mr. Wilson wrote
a book about his
famous Uncle Ned?
-Tell him to stop the presses!
I've got another chapter.
-Hello?
Hello?
[thunder]
-No, I do not want to
speak to his assistant.
I want to talk to
the Commissioner
of Highways himself.
Yes.
Commissioner?
As far as I can make
out, your department
is doing absolutely
nothing about repairing
that washed out bridge
and I need help.
I'm stuck up here on my uncle's
farm and I've got to get out.
Now this is an emergency.
My wife-- oh no, no.
No, it isn't that
kind of an emergency.
No, no.
I have written a book
about my Uncle Ned,
but he won't sign a release.
Now my publisher is
flying down to my house.
My uncle is there.
And the little boy next door,
he is trying to-- he-- hello?
Hello?
Hello?
-Did the line go out again?
-No.
He hung up.
Eloise, my career
is lying out there
buried under a sea of mud.
-Aw, just relax, John.
Probably Mr. Winfield
isn't even there yet.
-Oh, it's no trouble
at all, Mr. Winfield.
Do sit down.
-Thank you.
-I'm sure they must be in
the neighborhood somewhere.
I'll just drive around
and look for them.
-Thank you, Mr. Mitchell.
I'm sorry Wilson isn't back yet.
I was looking forward to
meeting his Uncle Ned.
Is he really as much of a
character as Wilson's painted
him?
-Well, he is rather unusual.
-I know it is rather
unusual, but I am a student.
And your sign here says
"Students half price."
You're a student,
aren't you Dennis?
-Yes sir.
-And so am I. And so I'll have
two student tickets please.
One for little Dennis and
one for little-- uh, for me.
-You're holding up the line.
Would you mind moving along?
-I am not going to budge.
If you folks want to
see a motion picture,
better go home and look at TV.
-All right.
OK, so you're a student.
What school do you go to?
-The Allegheny
Institute of Taxidermy.
I am taking a
correspondence course.
-A correspondence course?
-Yes.
And I mailed in my
homework last night.
A stuffed pheasant.
-Oh hi, Mr. Quigley.
Where you going?
-I'm delivering a
rush order, Dennis.
-Now you take your
stuffed pheasant
and get out of this line!
-What's the matter, Fred?
-Well, this guy wants me to
sell him a student ticket
because he's taking a
correspondence course!
-Well, sell it to him before
you lose your whole theater!
Including the
popcorn concessions.
-Oh now, look here sir!
[horn honking]
-Hey, that's my dad!
-Oh, I'll be right back.
-Oh, won't you excuse me, madam?
Won't you step right
up to the box office?
-One student ticket please.
I'm studying first
aid at the Red Cross.
-I've been looking
all over for you two.
There's a man at the house
very anxious to meet you.
-Really?
Who is it?
-A Mr. Winfield.
-The publisher!
-Publisher?
-Yes, he's going to
publish your nephew's book.
-Indeed.
He thinks he's
going to publish it.
But I'll put a few choice
tidbits in his ear.
-Wouldn't you rather
see the movie?
-I certainly would not.
Mitchell, would you
kindly drive me home?
-Well, sure.
-Thank you.
You coming, Dennis?
-Yes sir.
I sure am sorry to
miss your wedding.
HENRY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!
-It stopped raining.
John, would you
stop that pacing?
[phone ringing]
-It works!
Hello?
Uh, what?
How do I know how
many rings I am?
-Dear, it's a party line.
-This is no time for a party.
Would you please be brief?
I'm trying to keep
this line open.
I have-- well, the
same to you, mac!
Don't people have
other things to do
besides sitting around
gossiping all day?
Hello, are you still talking?
-Dear, they only
started a moment ago.
-This is a matter
of life and death!
-Oh, don't be so dramatic!
-Eloise, have you any
idea what will happen
if Dennis hasn't
kept those two apart?
-Now dear, just calm down.
I'm sure Dennis
will do his best.
-Knowing Dennis' best,
you ask me to calm down?
Hello?
Are you still on
the-- it's free.
It's free!
[dialing phone]
-Operator, operator!
Jumping Jehosaphats!
-Now dear, it could be worse.
You can still get
incoming calls.
-Oh.
Oh.
-I tell you, Mr. Winfield,
this will not be published!
-Well, if that's the
way you feel about it.
-That is exactly the
way I feel about it.
-But Uncle Ned, Mr. Wilson spent
a year working on your life.
-I spent years working on it.
And I'm not going to have
everybody reading it.
-Then I guess Mr. Wilson will
have to give back the $ , .
-Serves him right.
Writing a pack of lies, making
me look like a-- $ , ?
What $ , ?
-Dennis must be
referring to the advance
we paid your nephew on the book.
-$ , ?
-Oh, and that's
merely a token payment
against future royalties.
He'll make considerably
more money than that.
Motion picture rights,
possibly a television series.
It could come to
rather a large sum.
-Really?
-It's a shame to
lose all that money.
-Lose it?
Who said anything
about losing it?
Uh oh, Mr. Winfield,
sit right down.
Sit right down.
Let's talk this thing over, yes.
Motion picture right?
Royalties?
Hmm.
[phone ringing]
-Hello?
Uh yes, this is John Wilson.
Oh yes, put him on.
Dennis?
Everything OK?
-Yes sir.
I've got some good news
for you, Mr. Wilson.
-Fine, fine.
You kept Uncle Ned from
meeting Mr. Winfield.
-Everything's OK, Mr. Wilson.
Mr. Winfield's gonna
publish the book.
-Oh, uh, uh, Winfield is
going to publish my book!
-Not your book, Mr. Wilson.
-Uh, uh, not my book, Eloise.
Not my book?
Whose book then?
-Uncle Ned's book.
It's all about his experiences.
-Well, that's what mine's about!
-This one is about
his experiences
with the Queen of Romania.
He's got a great title for it.
-"Hi, Toots!"
That's the title?
Well, thanks just
the same, Dennis.
-Don't hang up, Mr. Wilson.
I've got some more
good news for you.
Uncle Ned told Mr.
Winfield that he
couldn't write the
book without your help.
-Oh, oh he did?
-Yes sir.
He hasn't got a typewriter.
So he's gonna move in with you
for six months and use yours.
Mr. Wilson?
Mr. Wilson?
Oh hi, Mrs. Wilson.
What happened to Mr. Wilson?
He did?
Jeepers, I guess all that good
news was too much for him!
[theme music]
04x14 - My Uncle Ned
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Follows the Mitchell family – Henry, Alice, and their only child, Dennis, an energetic, trouble-prone, mischievous, but well-meaning boy, who often tangles first with his peace-and-quiet-loving neighbor, George Wilson, a retired salesman, and later with George's brother John, a writer.
Follows the Mitchell family – Henry, Alice, and their only child, Dennis, an energetic, trouble-prone, mischievous, but well-meaning boy, who often tangles first with his peace-and-quiet-loving neighbor, George Wilson, a retired salesman, and later with George's brother John, a writer.