13x03 - Uncivil w*r Birds

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

I could do this
forever and ever.

[GIGGLES]

Moe.

Onesie, twosie.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Ringa Belle,
my beautiful wildflower.

I declare to goodness
how you do carry on, Curlylocks.

I'm askin' you-all,
will you be my all's wife?

[GASPING EXCITEDLY]

Oh!

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Would you-all
give me all a kiss?

[EXAGGERATED WHIRRING SOUNDS]

[POPPING NOISE]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Please, Mary Belle,

if you would marry me this once
I'll never ask you-all again.

Sure enough I'll marry you,
Moe, darling.

[GASPS]
Oh, Mary Belle,

my Mary Belle--

[GRUNTS]

Mary Belle!

What is it,
Ringa Belle?

Oh, we're engaged.

We are too.

WOMAN:
So are we.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.
Oh, thank you.

STOOGES:
Congratulations.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute!

[MOE AND LARRY]:
What's the matter?

Congratulations.

[YELPS, BONES cr*ck]

[GRUMBLES, YELPS]

Hey, you-all, Larry, Curly, Moe,
come here,

come on over here,
come over here.

What's the matter, you-all?

Why don't you listen? Listen.

We're in it.
We're in the Civil w*r.

Whose side you-all reckon
our state'll be on?

The state's pretty divided,
they're half-and-half.

I'm gonna join up.

Me too.
Me three.

Right. But we better hurry.

The armies are coming.

Sorry, girls,

you'll have to wait
for the wedding

till after the w*r.

How long do you reckon

it's gonna
take y'all to win?

Oh, about a week,
I reckon.

You know, it takes time
to win a w*r.

Sure enough.

For such a man as you-all,

I'd wait
till the cows come home.

But we haven't got a cow.

Then we all will
get a cow.

Right. Well, goodbye, cow.

Lulu Belle, I mean.

Oh, come on, fellas.
Let's go, let's go.

Goodbye,
Lulu Belle.

Goodbye,
Mary Belle.

Keep the home fires burning,
Ringa Belle.

[SIGHS]
Oh, my hero.

Oh, I know you'll be
at least a colonel.

I'll be more
than a colonel,

I'll be a corporal.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

[WHINNIES]

[SNORTS]

I wonder where all
that Curly all is.

Well, I reckon
that this is the place.

And he ain't
around the place.

I reckon he must be
some other place, I reckon.

No, I'm wreckin'.

[YELPS]

Hey, fellas,
look. Look.

I joined,
I joined.

Pretty, huh?

There's
something wrong here.

We don't match.

Company, halt.

Take him, squad.
Cover the house.

Push, squad.
Forward, hut.

Detail, halt!

Sergeant,
follow me.

Keep your mouth shut
and your eyes open.

Who is this man?

He's our br--

He's our prisoner, sir.

Well, lock him up.

Where do we put him?

Uh, in the smokehouse,
I reckon.

Right shoulder, hut.

Left, face.

[YELPS]

Forward march, you fools.

What's the matter with you?

I'm no fool.

Forward march,
you idiot.

That's different.

Lock him up.

Got him.

Yes, sir.

[g*nshots]

Charge!

[g*nshots]

I reckon
they're going.

Say, we all better
hide you,

or you-all gonna
get sh*t full of holes.

Oh, no, n-n-not that.

Listen, here's
what we gotta do--

Who are these men?

These are my br--
My prisoners, sir,

I surrounded them.
Hm. Good work.

Lock 'em up.
Yes, sir.

[WHIMPERS QUIETLY]

Get in there.

Get in,
or I'll sh**t.

Get in.

Guard 'em.
Yes, sir.

Come on.

Hey, come on, fellas.

Say, we all better get
some Confederate uniforms.

We belong
on his side, anyway.

You're right,
our hearts belong to Dixie.

Yeah.
Come on.

They're our size,
all right.

But how we all
gonna get 'em?

Get back, get back.

[SHRIEKS]

[BOTH SHRIEKING]

[BOTH SHRIEKING]

Oh, my. Oh, God!

Whoa!

Those consarn Yankees
have escaped.

Go search the place.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

MAN :
You men search the orchard.

MAN :
Look in the tree.

MAN :
You see any trace of 'em?

MAN :
No, sir.
They're not around here, sir.

[SINGING NERVOUSLY]

All right, boys.

This w*r'll be over
before we change our clothes.

Where's the clothes?

[GRUMBLING]

Where's my cap?

[WHINES SOFTLY]

Hurry, hurry.

Okay.

There we are.

You-all got the coat on,
you fool.

That's right,
I knew I felt a draft.

[g*nshots]

Retreat!

That's where they are,
right there.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

We all
are Union men.

Well, you belong
to the wrong union.

We all surrender.
We surrender.

But only
for General Grubbabump.

Who is General Grubbabump?

Who all don't know
who General Grubbabump is?

No.

Why, he walk
like this:

General Grubbabump
don't walk.

He runs!

After 'em, boys!

Hey, open the door!

[ALL GROAN]

[BIRDS TWEETING]

Officer of the guard!

Yes, sir, colonel.

Three Confederate spies
just escaped.

Oh, yes. Yes.
Got and get them!

Forward, men. Get 'em.

Sorry, I didn't cut you,
did I, lieutenant?

MAN:
Blockaded on the south,
encircled in the east,

and stalemated on the west.

As a matter of fact, colonel,

we're caught
with our tents down.

Our army's in a very
precarious position.

If the Confederates hear
about this, we're lost, sir.

If we all's can get that map
down to his headquarters,

we all's could win this w*r.

Then we all's
could get married.

Brother, you-all
ejaculated a mouthful.

We all's gonna
get that map.

LARRY:
♪ Oh ♪

ALL:
♪ Way down south
In New York City ♪

♪ The cotton grows
On the trees so pretty ♪

♪ On the trees? ♪

♪ On the trees ♪

♪ In the South? ♪

♪ South Brooklyn ♪

♪ Oh, south of the Bronx
Where I was born ♪

♪ The songs are rotten
And the jokes are corn ♪

♪ Look away ♪

♪ Get away ♪

♪ Get a waitress
We're hungry ♪

[PLAYING UP-TEMPO FOLK MUSIC]

[ALL MUTTERING NERVOUSLY]

It's them,
the spies.

Get those spies!

Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Get 'em, I tell you!

Open the door.

[ALL GRUNT]

[BIRDS TWEETING]

Ah, you idiots!

I'll get them myself.

[GRUNTS]

You!

Come on,
hurry up.

The maps. Hurry up.

Hurry up,
he's coming to.

Hey, where am I gonna get
a blue uniform?

[FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE]

I got it--

MAN :
You find 'em?

MAN :
Not around here, sir.

MAN :
I want those men.

Well, we'll find 'em.
Maybe they're in that barn.

We'll look in there.

BOTH:
Yes, sir.

[BOTH CROONING]

Hey, did you men
see three Confederate spies?

BOTH: No, we ain't seen nobody.
You're sure now?

Oh, positive.
Search the place!

We're just
making butter.

MAN:
There were two men
and one woman.

[SHRIEKS]

[YELPING]

MAN:
Oh, so there you are, huh?

MOE:
How did he get in here?

Fall in.

Soon as I report
that I've caught the spy,

we'll take him out
and sh**t him.

[GASPS]

Lock him up
in the smokehouse.

Forward, hut!

Say, we all gotta
get him outta this here mess.

It ain't
gonna be easy.

[WHISPERS]

Pious idea, brother.

Say, I reckon
you boys is hungry.

Sure are.

Give me
one of them hams.

A ham?
Yeah.

Look at that.
Oh, look at that ham.

Stack your r*fles
here, boys.

Let's go and eat.
Come on.

Wait'll I get
the Kn*fe.

Oh, boy.
Oh, look at that.

There you are.

Put those blank cartridges
back in the r*fle.

Hey, Al,

come on and get
some of this delicious ham.

Come on.

Charlie,
come on.

Some sliced ham is swell.

Come on!
Save me some of that.

[ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY]

All done.

Curlylocks,
come on.

Hey, Curlylocks,

when they all
sh**t at you,

all you have to do is:

I understand.

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Say, I'm hungry.

[ALL SHOUTING]

I understand.
Okay.

Come on.

No glass.
[YELPS]

[YELPS]

Fall in.

Detail,
forward march!

Detail, halt.

Form ranks
for f*ring. Hut.

Around, hut.

Forward, hut.

Hut, hut.

Detail, halt.

Now, hut.

Ready, aim...

[WHIMPERS SOFTLY]

Hold arms.

Now stand up there
and be sh*t like a man.

[GRUNTS]

[WHIMPERING]

[BLOWS NOISILY]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[GROANS]

Ready, aim--

[WHIMPERING]

Something wrong here.

Yeah, I reckon there is.

OFFICER:
I oughta send you back
to Massachusetts,

to the farm!

Suffering cats,
we have the wrong g*ns.

I'm gonna faint.

[g*nsh*t]

What an army.

What an army!

Never mind.

I'll sh**t him
myself.

I'll show you
how to sh**t a prisoner.

Ready.

[g*n COCKS]

Aim, fire!

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh.

[PANTING DRAMATICALLY]

There. That's the way
to k*ll a man.

You two
get some shovels.

Take that jellyfish out
and revive him.

Yes, sir.

Get a little discipline
around this army.

Bury the prisoner!

Sir.

[YELPING]

Poor Curly's dead.

Hey, I could've sworn
that corpse moved.

Sure, and if he had wings,
he would fly away.

Maybe we oughta ask him
if he's dead or not.

Hey, corpse?

Will you tell
my dumb friend here

whether you're dead or not?

Yes, I'm all
dead as a doornail.

There, he told you himself
that he was d--

Wait a minute.

He went around thataway.

Let's go this way
and head him off.

Fine time
to take a nap.

Come on,
get up outta there.

What happened?

Come on.

Come on out,
Curly.

Coast is still clear.

[LARRY AND MOE SHUDDER]

Wait you-all,
it's me all.

Oh, that sure is
all a grand disguise all.

You got all the maps
with you?

Yeah, in my blouse.

We all gotta get your map
down to headquarters.

Yeah, go grab
that horse and wagon.

Quick.

Giddap, giddap.

[SHOUTS, GRUNTS]

[GRUMBLES]

[GRUNTS]

[HOOFBEATS RECEDING]

You-all sure are
a bad horseman.

Come on, we gotta
get you back to headquarters.

Get a horse.

ALL:
Whoa. Hold it. Whoa.

LARRY:
Giddyup, giddyup! Come on.

Go now, giddap, giddap!
Come on, hurry up!

With the power vested in me
by the sovereign state,

I now pronounce you
men and wives.

[GIGGLES]

[WOMEN SHRIEK]

WOMEN:
Oh, we're married!

[LAUGHING]

A toast.

To our charming brides,
for a long and happy life.

WOMEN:
Oh, darling!

Honey.

[WOMEN SHRIEK]

[GASPS]
You're horrible!

Oh.

Hey, now, sweetheart.
Honeybunch.

[♪]