(Joannie)
'We'll show that
Kenny P. Landers.'
Yeah, we'll show him.
Yeah, he won't push us
around anymore, huh?
Yeah, wait until I tell him my
big sister is gonna b*at him up.
Uh, no, Nicholas.
That's not the idea.
Listen, after I give you
a few lessons, you'll be able to
handle that Kenny P. Landers
with one hand.
All by yourself.
I'd rather watch you
handle him with both hands.
- No, Nicholas.
- But you said us.
That's just trainer's talk.
You can't have other people
fight your battles.
- Why not?
- 'People won't respect you.'
Will they respect me
if Kenny P. Landers
clobbers me again?
Well, we'll just have to make
sure that you clobber him first.
Uh, uh, alright.
Lay on in there.
Come on. Let's go, baby.
Let's go. Let's go.
Ah.
It hurt.
I got a better idea.
Maybe you should
teach me to run fast.
[chuckling]
Come on, come on.
Where's the champ, huh?
Huh? Huh?
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic
in the early morning ♪
♪ We've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles ♪
♪ On everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪
♪ We spend our days ♪
♪ Like bright and shiny
new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Abby.
Abby.
They say that
we owe them $.
Oh, I-I know.
You know that we owe Western
Furniture Gallery $?
Well, so do you, it's for
this desk that you bought me
because you wanted me
to stay away from yours.
"A man's desk is his castle."
Oh, and it bothered you so much
that you went out
and spent $?
No, of course not.
It should be
a hundred forty dollars.
The computer
added an extra zero.
Alright, so the computer slipped
a disc but I still think
we should do something about it.
They are threatening
to repossess.
I was waiting for them
to bill us correctly.
I call them every week.
You call?
Abby, this is a place
of business.
When they hear a women voice
they think they can give her
the run around.
- Is that so?
- 'Yes.'
We have to show them
that they're not dealing
with some hysterical housewife.
'Remind me to call them up
in the morning.'
'I'll fix it all up.'
Well, maybe I should
have Tommy or David
remind you in a man's voice.
Now, what did I say
that was wrong?
Oh, just about everything.
Wait, play this one next.
Okay, Tommy?
Okay.
Uh, since when have
you two guys been
sharing a record collection?
Oh, since el cheapo here
noticed the two of us
were wasting money by buying
the same albums twice.
Oh, this is great one
right here, Mary.
It's the new album from
"Oedipus And The Mothers."
Frankly, Tommy, that name
just gives me a complex.
[instrumental music]
Pretty catchy, huh? Stick
around, you're gonna like it.
No, thanks. I'll pass.
Actually, Tommy, I came here
to ask you something.
If it's about
Abby's speech tonight
you're wasting your breath.
It's time to rock 'n' roll.
[music continues]
Tommy!
[chuckles]
And-and you wanna drive
all alone to Glacier Lake
and rent a cabin
for the weekend?
And that's it,
that's all that you want?
- You mean, you don't mind?
- Of course, I mind.
It's dangerous,
it's remote and--
- And what, dad?
- And expensive.
That's it.
It's too expensive.
Wait a minute, dad.
David gets to go camping
whenever he likes.
Wait, dad, don't say it.
David is different.
That's right.
David pays his own way.
Oh, come on, dad.
There it is again.
Same old smoke screen.
David's not a daughter.
David's got a job.
Oh, I've had jobs.
That's the problem. You've had
six jobs in the last two months.
For which I was
badly over qualified.
Now, look, when you can get
three consecutive
pay checks, we'll talk.
Right now, can we change this
subject before we ruin this
lunch that you're buying me?
Now, let' see.
What should I have?
Whatever you can afford, dad.
Whatever I can afford? I thought
you were taking me to lunch.
Oh, you're not suggesting that
two helpless females
pay for a man's meal.
I'll have a jumbo salad.
Yeah, and I'll have
a steak and lobster.
I still must be
saying something wrong.
[lawn mower whirring]
Tommy!
Tommy!
Look, Tommy.
Can't you reconsider? This is
gonna be a big evening for Abby.
We should all be there with her.
Look, it's only a speech.
No, really.
It's more than that.
I mean, being
the keynote speaker
of Women's Week Open House
is a, is a big honor.
Abby was hand chosen
by the school board.
Yeah, and I was hand chosen
to mow this lawn
which is making me too tired
to go anywhere tonight.
Tommy, you know, you're gonna be
the only member of this family
that won't be there
to cheer her.
Yeah, I wouldn't cheer, anyway.
If a bunch of females get off on
listening to speeches about how
equal they are, then that's
fine, but I'm not interested.
Oh, boy,
I never realized before.
You are a sexist!
No, in this house
I'm just a member
of a downtrodden minority.
Now get out of my way
and let me sl*ve.
[lawn mower whirring]
That rotten David.
- Why blame him, Susan?
- But why not?
Look, I resent the fact
that dad lets David
have a life of his own
but not us.
It's because David
can pay for what he wants.
Uh-huh, it's because
David's male.
We could take care ourselves
at Glacier. It's not fair.
Well, if you just
wanna sit around
feeling sorry for yourself..
Oh, now, what's that
supposed to mean?
It means, Susan, I just heard
the eloquent Tom Bradford
paint himself
right into a corner.
- Huh?
- Well.
He didn't say
we couldn't take the cabin
he just said
we couldn't pay for it.
Well, that's not what he meant.
I know. But that's what he said.
And I, for one, am gonna
make him stick to it.
- How?
- 'By getting a good job.'
That will pay for the trip.
And by calling dad's bluff.
Never happen. Behind that
financial smoke screen
lurks the real Tom Bradford.
Nancy, our dad's a chauvinist.
If that's the way
you wanna look at it, fine.
But I will send you a
post card from Glacier Lake.
See ya.
Good luck.
[instrumental music]
Ahem. Ahem.
Excuse me.
What is it, sweetheart?
Key to the restroom,
or courteous free directions?
No, no, I-I, um, uh, well..
Squeak a little louder, will ya?
I can't hear ya.
The job.
I'd like to apply for the job.
Ooh.
Hi.
What is this? A gag?
No, no. It's a job.
I need a job.
And the sign says
it pays four dollars an hour?
I know what it pays.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Something tells me
it just wouldn't work out.
Like what?
Like your high heels,
your skirt and your nail polish.
I'm looking for a gas jockey
here, honey.
What am I gonna do with a knock
out girl who can stop traffic?
Forget it.
Hey!
You're hired.
You mean it?
Well, come to think of it
we could use some more
traffic around here.
Sure. Why not?
You know, I gotta
broaden my horizons.
- Keep in step with the time.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
You're not gonna regret this.
You know, I really
appreciate an employer
who believes
in equal opportunity.
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, let me
tell you something, kid.
There's nobody
in the gas biz who believes
more in opportunity
than your friend here, Artie.
Thanks.
Now, you sure you don't mind?
Because if you do, I can march
right upstairs and put on a tie.
Listen, Tom, if you
don't wanna go, I understand.
- Well, it was a tiring day--
- Is Nicholas ready yet?
Uh-oh, you're changing the
subject that means you're mad.
Who's mad? You've had a long
day, you must be exhausted.
Exactly.
Maybe before we leave,
I should help you to the couch.
Oh, now you just
gave me the harpoon
that means you're really angry--
I'm not angry, Tom.
I'm just.. I'm hurt.
I mean, I know you don't like
speeches and I know this is
a long speech,
but it is my speech
and-and I hope you'd at least
be interested to hear
what I had to say.
Oh, is that all
that's bothering you?
- Yes, Tom, that's all.
- Well, I know what you said.
I read your speech last night.
- And?
- And? And it was nice.
It was good, it was well
constructed. Good style.
And it didn't have
any of the, the usual
uh, grammar problems,
you know and syntax.
Why're you looking at me
like that?
Why do all of a sudden
I fear for my life?
You looked it over for mistakes.
Oh, no. Not exactly.
It's just that I-I was
interested in you.
I-I-I like you.
You're so nice.
But it lacked the logic
and incisiveness of a, of a
Mr. Tom Bradford article,
is that it?
You said that.
I didn't say that.
That's right. I said that.
But I'm through talking.
Is Nicholas ready yet?
Excuse me.
How could you?
Wasn't easy.
- Ow!
- Nicholas.
Nicholas, what's wrong?
What's happening?
- Are you okay?
- Oh, it hurts.
Where does it hurt?
Well, I think
it's my appendicyclis.
Your appendicyclis?
Your appendix, Nicholas,
is down here.
Oh, oh.
Well, you know how the pain
travels a lot, you know?
Mm-hmm. So when did this start?
You were okay at dinner.
Dinner?
Dinner was my big mistake.
So I guess this means you won't
be going with us tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Talk about your rotten luck.
Rotten.
Guess I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- 'Bye.'
[phone rings]
Alright.
Nicholas isn't coming.
Let's go.
- What's with Nicholas?
- His appendix burst.
- What?
- Oh, don't worry.
It'll unburst as soon
as the girls and I leave.
- Oh.
- That was David that called.
He's got a hot card game
and won't be joining us.
Well, look,
I'll go up and change.
Oh, just forget it, Tom.
I'll not be patronized.
For now I just wanna
get out of here before
I say something you'll regret.
But, Abby, I-I..
She's not listening.
Why are they angry?
They're angry too.
I can't figure these women out.
I'm tired.
Abby, you'll never guess
who I had lunch with today.
Uh, no. But that's close.
It was Nancy and Susan.
They took me to this restaurant
down on Laird Street
a steak house.
Oh, yeah. Thank you. It was very
good, very tasty, you know.
Cute isn't going to work.
Uh, listen, Abby, I-I didn't
get over to the furniture store
but I'll get around
to it tomorrow.
You didn't happen to hear
from them, did you?
Oh, that's good. No reason
to bother you with it.
Oh, no. Not the door.
[door slams]
She's getting
very good at that.
Abby was so depressed
that the guys didn't show up.
I mean, besides that speech
she didn't say a word
all evening.
Oh, I don't blame her a bit.
And Tommy is the worst. He's
so obnoxious, so insensitive.
Tommy? What about David?
She lost him
to a card game with the boys.
- Oh, yeah.
- The rooster party.
Now, supposing that tonight
instead of Abby
it was dad being honored.
What do you think
the chances would be that
one of us would get out of it?
- Slender.
- Right.
It's much easier
to take women for granted
than it is to treat
them with dignity.
Aren't we being
just a bit over sensitive?
Wrong.
The problem is
we've been under sensitive
to the sexist structure
of this family.
Yeah and the question is,
what are we gonna do about it?
Oh, don't tell me you guys
are still sitting around
feeling sorry for yourselves.
We're not guys, Nance.
You know something,
I do not understand you.
Doesn't it bother you
that dad won't
let you go to Glacier Lake.
Well, sure it does, Mary.
But instead of complaining,
at least
I went out and did
something about it.
Gosh, Mary,
you know, I really thought
you'd be proud of me.
Proud of you, for what?
Well, I'm the first women ever
to work at Artie's Octaline
Gas Station.
Don't you see guys?
I'm a barrier breaker.
Oh, and that's why
you took the job, right?
To strike a blow for feminism.
No, actually I took the job
because of the money.
Yeah. That's more like it.
[laughs]
Well, at least I do have
the satisfaction of knowing
I didn't get this job
simply because I was a women.
I got it because, uh, Artie
thinks I'm very intelligent.
And, uh, more than
capable of doing the job.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, gosh!
- Oh.
- What for?
Oh, this thingamajig got stuck
and I split gas
all over your car.
Relax, don't worry.
I'll take care of it later.
What time do you get off work?
Well, if my boss catches you
doing this for me
it maybe
in the next ten seconds.
Terrific. I'll drive you home.
Thank you.
[engine starts]
(Mary)
'Can you believe that?'
(David)
'Ha ha. Frankly, no.'
I think the only thing
Nancy knows about a car
is that the rear-view mirror
is too small to do your hair by.
I should have known
you'd be totally blind
to her exploitation.
Exploi.. What?
David would you
open your eyes for once.
Look at that clod Artie
is using her a sex symbol
to push
his air polluting gasoline.
- I'm gonna straighten him out.
- No.
- You wanna get her in trouble?
- No, dummy.
- I'm trying to save her.
- Just calm down.
[horn blaring]
Oh, hi, guys.
Hey, thanks for comin'.
Want me to fill her up?
Nancy, do you know
what you're doing?
Yeah, I'm making
four dollars an hour
if I could get
some cooperation around here.
Exactly what I'm trying
to tell Mary.
You know, you don't even care
for your, your own sister here
suffers in dignity
and degradation.
Hey, could you argue later guys.
I've got other customers.
- Come on, Mary. Let her work.
- Yeah.
This is not work.
This is sexist depression.
And the only reason you don't
see that David Bradford
is because
you're one of oppressors.
[laughs]
I suppose I oppressed you
into a free ride.
That's a cheap sh*t.
- You calling me cheap?
- Among other things. Yes!
- Oh, really?
- 'Yeah.'
Well, I guess you'll have a lot
of time to think about all those
other things
while you're walking home.
- While I'm doing what?
- Oh, David.
- Get out. Enough of that.
- Get out?
Are you serious?
Darn you, David Bradford.
Who the heck were they?
Never saw 'em
before in my life.
Sheesh!
There's more creeps
comin' in here everyday.
Th-the billing problem
can be solved.
Oh, yes, you just come down here
and ask for me, Mr. Allen.
Right, n-now, I-I really must
go. I've a customer waiting.
Yes, thank you.
Um-hmm, bye.
Now, what can I do
for you, Mr. Brandon?
I..
No, no, no. It's Bradford.
You charged me $ for a desk.
Oh, that's impossible.
We have no, uh, $ desks.
Exactly. Y-you over billed me
ten times the actual amount.
I-I have the sales slip
right here.
Ah-uh!
[laughs]
I see it now.
Naughty, naughty computer.
Yes. Naughty, naughty, indeed.
You know, it's not like
I'm a new customer
I'm still payin' you off
for my living room set.
We appreciate your coming down
to clarify this, Mr. Brandon.
No, no, no. It's, it's Bradford.
I'm sorry I took so long
I shouldn't have delegated
the responsibility.
But I have here
a check for $.
Now, if you could just use
that to have a man to man talk
with your naughty,
naughty computer.
I think we can both go
about our business.
- You know, Mr. Bradford.
- Right.
I'd like to thank you for being
so sensible and coming to
the heart of the matter,
usually I have only
hysterical housewives
to deal with.
I know what you mean, don't take
it personally but, uh
there is a lot of that
going on these days.
- Uh, thank you.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, no!
Joannie!
- Look at my shirt.
- Hey, not bad.
But I wouldn't have bought one
with a burn in it.
I'll take . plus tax
that the shirt cost
and a apology
to go with it, Joannie.
Oh, you will, huh?
Only a dimwit could do this.
Next time
why don't you day dream
while you're ironing
your own shirts, will you?
Oh, boy.
Young Prince Tommy the II, huh?
Oh, go ahead, call me names.
All I'm asking is that you
guys respect a guys property.
What about respecting
a woman's feelings, huh?
We're talking about my shirt.
I don't even understand
what your feelings
have to do with it.
Boy, you sure don't.
I'll tell you something, Tommy
until you do you can
just iron your own shirts.
Alright.
This is boring, and who is this
Humpty Bogart, anyway.
Humphrey, Nicholas,
not Humpty, Humphrey.
Well, who is he?
If you be quiet and watch
this set, you might find out.
But I wanna watch
the basketball game.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Miss the end of the movie
just so you can watch
your dumb basket ball game.
I need some hands
to set the table.
They don't have
to be large hands
and they don't
have to be female.
[sighs]
Can't you take a hint?
What hint?
Abby needs help in the kitchen.
Oh, good, then I'll be alone
to watch the basketball game.
No, Nicholas, just this once,
we're not gonna do it your way.
'There were other people
in this family'
'and I'm not moving
until this movie is over.'
Hey, where's
the basketball game?
Yeah, alright.
I can't believe this.
(Abby)
'I don't believe this.'
'David can hang his jacket
anywhere in this house'
'and he chooses the floor.'
Because he knows
you'll pick it up.
But he never used to do that.
Elizabeth, is this
just my imagination
or lately have the guys
been treating us like, uh..
Like second class citizens?
No, actually I was
thinking of third class.
No, it's not your imagination
and we're all getting
pretty angry about it.
Oh, when did things get
so outta hand around here?
Why am I picking this up?
I'm just gonna see
how long it sits there.
Hello.
I saw David's van outside.
Does that mean
the game has started?
Tom, this is a chair.
It's not a closet hook
or hanger.
Chairs are for people,
not jackets.
This is a jacket.
There's a place for jackets
and we both know
where that place is.
Alright, alright.
You made your point.
Hmm, I hope so.
I think she should
have to pay for it.
Yeah, you're right.
See, Nicholas agrees with me.
- Whippy doo.
- Yeah, big deal.
You know, I think
you oughta pay me
for ironing your shirts
week after week, that's what.
- Really!
- Excuse me.
There is a TV set on here.
- Oh, big deal, David.
- Watch in your own house.
You rotten creep.
You talking to me?
Do you see any other
rotten creeps in this room?
Yeah, I could name one.
(Mary)
Two and a half miles.
David do you know the last time
that I have walked
two and a half miles?
(Joannie)
'Why'd you've to do that, Mary?'
He knows. And I'm waiting for
an apology for me and Nancy.
Well, then you have a long wait
because you don't deserve one
and Nancy didn't ask for one.
Is that right?
David, I found something
of yours in the kitchen.
[indistinct chatter]
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Hold it!
While I have my suspicions,
I would still like to know
what this is all about.
Respect, dignity,
courtesy, fairness..
And it's about time
the men in this family got some.
[indistinct chattering]
Stop the yelling!
Stop the yelling!
There will be no yelling in
this house, do you understand?
Now, that's better.
Abby and I are
going out to dinner.
Now, try to behave like
ladies and gentlemen, alright?
And in our absence,
I don't want anything
but courtesy, calm and quiet.
- Courtesy?
- Calm.
Quiet.
I knew I could count on you.
[indistinct chatter]
Alright, alright,
come on, come on.
- I'm getting a headache.
- Glad to hear it.
- Good.
- Good.
Good? Huh.
You know that's another
problem with women.
They never know when to shut up.
- No kidding.
- Oh-ho-ho.
Alright, doesn't matter,
okay, argue all you want.
Because we're not going
to answer you. Okay, guys?
- Right.
- Yes.
[sighs]
- It's fine with me.
- Good.
- That's cute.
- 'Hm-mm.'
This mindless provocation
isn't going to work.
Maybe it is.
- Congratulations.
- 'Oh, yeah?'
Really?
Fine you..
Alright, alright.
If that's the way you want
then that's the way
you're gonna get it.
- This means w*r.
- Charge.
[instrumental music]
God damn it!
Aah!
[indistinct chatter]
'Darn you, David.'
- Dad, let me explain.
- Forget it, David.
There's nothing that
you could say right now
that would make me happy.
I assume that this will be
cleaned up immediately,
if not sooner.
But dad, this is w*r.
This is also our kitchen.
I don't know how
you're gonna do it
but when I get down
here tomorrow morning
I expect this place
to be spotless.
- Spotless?
- Spotless.
You know, someday they're
gonna surprise me and grow up.
Don't bet on it, they take
after their father.
Come on, I thought we were
finished with that argument.
Hardly, Tom,
I am perfectly capable
of ordering a meal
in a restaurant myself.
It's just force of habit
and you had no right
to embarrass me
in front of all those people.
Embarrass you?
I was the one being treated
like a four-year-old
when are you
gonna realize that
I don't like being treated
like an appendage.
There's nothing wrong with a man
ordering dinner for his wife.
- 'Stop her.'
- Hmm, excellent breakfast.
[chuckling]
- It's so good..
- And bacon's cooked..
[indistinct chatter]
My-my, we seem
to have run out of eggs
and bacon and plates.
They didn't run out,
they're just not serving us.
(Abby)
'That's correct, Nicholas.'
You gentlemen know
where everything is?
You can fix
your own breakfast.
In fact you'll be
doing a lot of things
for yourselves
in the next few days.
Oh, I see, the b*ttlefield
has been cleared.
- But the w*r rages on.
- Precisely.
And the terms
for negotiable settlement
are respect and dignity.
I see, alright, Nicholas,
you better go get
the zappies and some bowls,
it looks like
we're on our own this morning.
Ah, airmail. Let's see
what do we have here?
The furniture store, guess what
I went down there yesterday
and I gave them a $.
"$.."
How can I owe them $.?
It's simple, I mean
they obviously subtracted
a $ from $,
move the decimal two places.
No, no, no, I went over
that with them step by step.
Oh, Tom, don't take it so hard.
I know stores like this,
they hear a mans voice
they think they can
give him a run around.
Alright, Nicholas,
bring on the happy zappies.
Aggravating.
Hmm, enjoy.
'Slop!'
[indistinct]
Hey, what're you doin'?
It's - time,
I'm not sharing
my record collection
with a crazy person.
Okay, that's fine with me.
Hey, no, no, wait a minute,
I want that Springsteen album.
Then go buy it.
Possession is / of a law.
And how many nights a week
you wanna use the stereo?
Seven.
Yeah, well,
you'll have custody of it.
Mondays and Wednesdays and
one night during the weekend.
I don't think we have
anything further to discuss.
sh**t.
I thought we made
ourselves perfectly clear.
You mean, you won't
iron my shirts?
- Okay.
- Okay?
That's the way you want it.
Be prepared to suffer
the consequences.
Ah, you're bluffing.
Better be bluffing.
Tommy, come back here.
[instrumental music]
Yes. Right.
Well, he just walked in.
Just a minute, please.
It's the furniture store.
They're repossessing our desk
tomorrow at p.m.
Oh, hello, listen,
I gave you a check for $.
I don't care,
what your computer says.
Just talk to Mr. Allen, would
you? He'll explain everything.
Mr. Allen.
Oh..
Alright forget it.
What did you say I owe you?
$.?
Very good, you'll have it
in the morning.
Ridiculous.
- What're you doing?
- 'What am I doing?'
I'm getting a desk off my back.
They say they will end this
thing once and for all
if I give them $.
well, very good, then so be it.
- That's so typical.
- I'm not listening.
Men try to buy their way
out of everything
what they can't take care
of intellectually
they take care of financially.
I'll bring this over to them
in the morning
and that will be the end of it.
Wait, Tommy,
what are you doing?
I just like to take this
opportunity to point out
that there are plenty of things
that the guys do around here
that you girls take for granted,
like the laundry.
Tommy?
Now, I could go and throw this
out on the front lawn
but, uh, I guess
I made my point.
I'll just be a man about it.
That's one for our side, dad.
(Nancy)
'Somebody's got to be
in charge of our laundry.'
'I made a fool
of myself last night.'
(Susan)
'Mary, I thought
you do the laundry.'
(Mary)
'Oh, no,
Tommy took over last year.'
Last year, sheesh,
So I was informed.
You know,
I never thought to ask.
Hey, come on, Elizabeth,
For the cause, huh?
- What do you say?
- Yeah.
- Well, okay, I'll volunteer.
- Good.
To take everything
to the cleaners.
Cleaners? No, no, Elizabeth.
Look, you're missing the point.
If you take our laundry
to the cleaners
you're gonna be
proving Tommy right.
I don't want him getting
any satisfaction out of this.
Really.
Well, okay, when you put it
that way, I, uh..
I guess, it makes sense.
- Good.
- Good.
And don't forget
the fabric softener
I like my jeans soft.
- Shhh.
- Bye.
And if you really
wanna impress me
try mowing a lawn,
front and back
somewhere to the tune of,
uh, half an acre.
- Goodbye, Tommy.
- Bye-bye.
Hey, that's fine, Tommy,
we'll mow the lawn.
Hey, you want the house
repainted, we'll do that too
'cause we won't cr*ck.
(Tommy)
'Ha! Neither will we.'
[whirring]
Hey, you know,
this isn't bad at all.
Right, after this
we do the back lawn too.
Bye, see you later.
Hi. Bye.
And thanks for the help.
Oh, I'm not interested
in your petty quarrels.
At least when I work,
I get paid. See ya.
[instrumental music]
- Fink.
- Traitor.
Grease monkey.
I hope the girls
are starting to cr*ck.
I'm seeing signs of surrender.
Surrender? They're out there
right now mowing the lawn.
And very badly.
[chuckles]
You know I think we oughta make
the first gesture.
Oh, no, here it comes.
Let's be big about this,
let's apologize.
Yeah, let's apologize.
I hate washing things.
Nicholas, this thing
isn't just about
washing clothes
and mowing lawns.
Well, then what's it about?
Well, it's sort of complicated.
It has to do with men and women
and, uh, sex roles.
Sex roles?
Am I old enough
to know about sex roles?
[chuckling]
Here, Nicholas, fold this.
'It's a sex role.'
You guys are putting me on.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, hiya, kid, we're here
from the furniture store
your folks should be
expecting us.
Oh, yeah, for the desk?
Desk? No actually--
Oh, that's right, kid,
uh, the desk.
Oh, well, I guess
you can come in.
The desks are in the living room
and my parents are upstairs.
Thanks, kid.
Why am I upset?
Because I come home looking for
some love and affection.
What about respect?
Oh, here we go again.
I respect you, I respect you.
What do you want me to do?
Build a shrine
in your honor.
Oh, come on, Tom.
Talk is cheap. You don't show
respect with mere words.
I-I don't know
what it is that you want.
We're simply trying
to make a point.
And what is the point?
That Nicholas should
wash the dishes
and Susan should
mow the lawn.
No, that the women
in this house are people too.
And we won't tolerate
being treated
as second class citizens.
Look, Tom, I know you think
that this whole w*r thing
is childish
and maybe you're right.
But if it's opened a few
eyes around here
then maybe it's been worth it.
(Nicholas)
'Dad, everyone, come quick.'
What is this, Nicholas?
What happened?
Well, some guys
from the store came
and said they wanted the desk.
[dramatic music]
Alright, this is a warning.
If any of you feel compelled
to say something cute
you can go and find yourself
another place to live.
'Ah-ha!'
Mm-hm!
Ah-ha! Yeah.
- What's the lawyer saying, dad?
- Shh, shh, Nicholas.
Hmm, alright.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Well..
Western Furniture Galleries
has what is known as
a revolving credit plan.
When we didn't pay for the desk
in the required days
they claim they have the right,
to repossess our living room
which we'd bought on time
and are still paying for.
[sighs]
But, dad, you paid them
an additional $.
Tell me about it.
Well, who repossesses furniture
for $?
Not who? But what?
Our computer, Mr. Bradford.
I'm afraid it's only
aware of the fact
that you owe money,
not how much.
Well, don't you think that
somebody should tell it.
- Tom, please.
- Don't please me.
As far as I'm concerned
this store can kiss
my future business, goodbye.
We appreciate your anger,
Mr. Bradford.
Uh, but, personally, I find this
whole situation...regrettable.
Oh really? Now look,
I paid a $ for a $ desk.
Now how can I possibly
owe you money?
You see, you owed us $..
'Well, then you made
a payment of $..'
But I'm afraid, there's still
a balance showing
in the balance owed column.
Yes, zero dollars and zero
cents, that's what I owe you.
Zero dollars and zero cents.
Isn't it funny
how things work out?
No, it's not funny.
Well, when can we get
our furniture back?
Well, I'm afraid
that a computer fowl up
could take some time to unravel.
Just long enough
for me to call my lawyer
and sue the chandeliers
off this place.
[clearing throat]
Um, may I make a suggestion?
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Oh, no,
the pleasure is all mine.
Usually, I only have hysterical
husbands to deal with.
[chuckles]
(Tom)
'Nicholas, eat your dinner.'
- 'I'm not so hungry.'
- 'But you love pizza.'
I loved it
the day before yesterday.
I liked it yesterday.
I don't like to so much today.
Yeah, well,
it's conveniently delivered.
They're having a whole meal
with lots of courses
and strawberry shortcake
for dessert.
Yeah, go ahead,
Nicholas, defect.
What does that mean?
Be a fink, chicken out,
join the enemy.
(Tom)
Alright, Tommy, lay off.
Nicholas, if you wanna go
in there and have dinner
with the women,
I'm sure they'll let you.
Boy, after this, I'm never ever
having pizza again.
Famous last words.
Nicholas, w*r is...heck.
It sure is.
[instrumental music]
Come in.
Nicholas, what are you doing up?
It's almost midnight.
Hey, are you alright?
You wanna come in for a while?
Did you have a bad dream?
[music continues]
Well..
Mary, could I..
Could I..
What is it, Nicholas?
Could I have a hug?
Of course, you can.
Ah..
- 'Some more syrup, Nicholas?'
- No, thanks.
Well, what're you waiting for?
Dig in.
Umm.
Does this mean,
I'm deflected?
Uh, you mean,
"Defected," don't you?
- Yeah.
- No, Nicholas.
What it means is that you're
the only male around here
who had enough character
to admit he was wrong.
Hey, Nicholas,
you made pancakes? Far-out.
No, I defected.
They brainwashed you.
Weakened you with pancakes.
(Mary)
'Uh, excuse me, Tommy,
but for your information'
Nicholas and I had
a little talk last night..
...and he was man enough
to say he was sorry.
Sorry?
Sorry about what?
Uh, about the way
he treated Abby.
About not setting the table.
About taking us
all for granted.
Unconditional surrender.
Actually, Tommy,
I'd call it liberation.
Nicholas, you just sold
your birth right
for a stack of pancakes.
I didn't either.
Girls are people too.
You're brainwashed.
Definitely brainwashed.
Hey, uh, Nicholas, can I, uh,
have a bite of your pancakes?
[laughs]
[instrumental music]
"Repairing a*t*matic
transmissions?"
Sounds romantic.
Nancy, I wonder
if I could ask you a favor?
Can't you see I'm busy?
I've decided
to become a mechanic.
I know you're all wrapped up
in a*t*matic transmissions.
But, well, you see,
you're the only person
who can do this for me.
Do what, Elizabeth?
Ask Tommy to borrow
the record player.
Now, why would I want to
do a thing like that?
So that I could listen to
the new Paul McCartney album.
Why don't you ask him?
I can't. We're not talking.
But see,
you're a neutral, Nancy.
You know,
kind of like a Switzerland.
I'm flattered,
but I don't feel like
being Switzerland
at the moment, thank you.
Oh, go ahead and turn a deaf ear
on a sister in need.
If a*t*matic transmissions are
more important than sisterhood.
Forget it.
Women are so emotional.
[sighs]
[engine revs]
Need a lift?
No, thanks.
'I've been doing
a lot of walking lately'
'and...frankly,
I'm getting used to it.'
Listen.
Would it make you
feel any better
if I stepped
in front of a train?
Alright, look Mary,
let's face it.
I'm rotten.
I'm selfish.
'I'm inconsiderate.'
I'm probably the worst
brother a girl could have
and I'm an insult
to the human race.
Well, at least now
you're being honest.
And I brought you something.
A pistachio twirl.
It's half eaten.
No, it's been melting
all over the front seat.
Now it's melting
all over my hand.
'Come on.'
Alright, thanks.
But, you know what? Ice-cream
count doesn't change things.
Oh, sure it does.
At least now we're
speaking to each other.
And it gives me a chance
to say, I'm sorry.
But you're not saying
you were wrong.
I don't know if I was
wrong or right.
And at this point,
I don't even care.
What I do know is that I haven't
seen you smile for days.
And I'm sorry if I've taken you
and that smile for granted.
You know something.
I remember when we were kids
and, and we had a fight.
I always knew that-that
you're gonna make up with me
when you brought me the
pistachio twirl ice cream cone.
And if I recall correctly
you'd always forgive me
by the time you were finished.
Hmm, I'll let you know.
[laughs]
- So you wanna be a mechanic?
- Uh-huh.
Terrific, doll, terrific.
Artie, I'm serious.
So am I.
- You are?
- 'Absolutely.'
I don't like passive women.
I like a go-getter.
I like a women
with a little fire.
Gee, thanks, Artie.
You know what you want.
And I can understand that
because...I know what I want.
What's that?
A women who knows
what she wants.
Oh.
Oh, you mean me!
Quick too.
Besides..
...how often do you
get a chance to spend time
with the guy who owns
his own business?
Uh, ha ha, Artie.
This isn't what I had in mind.
Look, we're both mature people.
Now, you want something from me.
Uh, I want something from you.
- Have we got a deal?
- A deal?
Why, I wouldn't
even watch TV with you.
You're nothing but a, a sexist
chauvinistic, egotistical male.
What's the matter, princess?
Am I too much
of a man for you?
No, you're too much
of a creep for me.
'And you can keep the uniform.'
[instrumental music]
Okay, now the purpose of this
meeting is simply to talk.
To err our differences.
To find out exactly
what happened this week
'and how to prevent it
from ever happening again.'
'At least not to often.'
'Now some pretty strong
accusations were made.'
'Feelings were hurt.'
'And I think we better
clear the air'
before this thing gets
entirely out of hand.
Let's be honest,
because it's not gonna do
any good to pull any punches.
- Is that agreed?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Who wants to begin?
[chuckles]
Well..
My sentiments exactly.
Still, I-I can't just
let you kiss me like that
and have everything be alright.
Why not?
You kissed me back.
I lost my head.
Keep your head.
I only want your heart.
Oh, Tom,
that sound so corny.
I can't help it.
I get corny when I'm in love.
I also say and do things that..
...cause other people
pain even though
that's the worst thing
in the world I'd want to do.
Can I interpret that
as an apology?
Grab it while it's hot.
- Are we friends?
- We're friends.
Still, I-I wish the kids, uh
had the pleasure of
making up the way we do.
I don't think they'd want to.
I've never seen them
so angry with each other.
My gosh.
[indistinct chattering]
- What's happening here?
- Oh, hi. The w*r is over.
- Who won?
- The naughty birds.
They don't have to hear us
barkin' anymore.
Oh, this is rather sudden,
isn't it?
Oh, yeah, but w*r gets
to be such a drag after a while.
- Besides, we worked things out.
- Yeah.
- And we all deflected.
- Defected, Nicholas.
Oh, good.
We're a family again.
Yeah, I feel like we should
sing Auld Lang Syne.
- Let's not push it, Tommy.
- Oops.
Here comes the last angry
Bradford now.
Um, something wrong, Nancy?
(Nancy)
'What do you care?'
All you men care about
are yourselves.
'Well,
let me tell you something.'
'Women are people too,
you know.'
And there comes a time
when a person gets fed up
to here with
been taken advantage of.
Right, Mary?
Right, Joannie?
Yeah. Sort of.
Hey, what's goin' on
around here?
I thought we were
havin' a w*r.
Nance, we made up.
You made up?
But they're men.
They're chauvinistic,
selfish, egotistical pigs.
[laughs]
Good ol' Nance. Always
the last one on the bandwagon.
- Better late than never.
- Nancy, look at that face.
Don't you think
men are cute too, huh?
Yeah.
- What about me?
- What about you?
I'm a man too.
- Oh.
- That's true.
Yes, you are.
Hey, none of that mushy stuff.
- Hi.
- 'You asked for it.'
[indistinct chatter]
Would you pass the butter,
please?
You know,
you're also cheerful.
We should make this w*r
an annual event.
Uh-uh.
It almost ruined my stomach.
Oh, come on. Nicholas.
You survived.
Not if I hadn't defected.
I was almost a goner.
[door bell]
I'll get it.
Uh, if it's a man,
tell him Nancy isn't here.
Well, wait a minute.
I've changed my position.
Men are okay, now and then.
- As long he's not named Artie.
- Right.
Hey, it's the guys
from the store.
They said they have
our furniture.
[all cheering]
Abby!
How'd you b*at the computer,
Abby?
Simply by relating to it
on it's own level.
(David)
'Which is?'
It wanted zero dollars
and zero cents.
So I wrote it a check for zero
dollars and zero cents.
'Are they bringing
our furniture back in, Tom?'
(David)
'What's the matter?'
It's not our furniture.
(Elizabeth)
'Oh.'
[laughs]
You win a few,
you lose a few.
Some get rained out?
[laughs]
[theme music]
[music continues]
03x10 - w*r Between the Bradfords
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.