Abby, how come
you always smell so good?
Do I? Uh, I don't know.
Maybe, it's the soap.
- I don't know.
- Soap?
How could it be the soap?
Paddy Peddy uses
soap everyday
and she smells
like salami sandwiches.
[chuckles]
What're you doing that for?
To look pretty.
I mean, with your mouth.
So I won't get it
in my eye as I..
I-I-I don't know why,
but it always seemed to help.
- Oh, like choking up on a back?
- Sort of, yeah.
Boy, women sure do a lot
of things to look pretty.
That's not exactly what a woman
wants to hear, Nicholas.
But you look pretty anyways.
Even with all that
slop on your face.
Well, now, that's better
but it's not
exactly music to my ears.
Should I try again?
Maybe, we should just
both quit while we're ahead.
Good. I'm running
out of compliments.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ There's a magic ♪
♪ In the early morning ♪
♪ We found ♪
♪ When the sun rise smiles ♪
♪ On everything ♪
♪ Around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel
and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives ♪
♪ With love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days like ♪
♪ Bright and shiny ♪
♪ New dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled ♪
♪ By the changing ♪
♪ Time ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen window sill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with ♪
♪ Love ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- 'Good morning.'
- Good morning.
I'm telling you what's good
about this morning
is it's Friday.
You can say that again.
You know, Tommy.
If you wanna be on time
for breakfast,
maybe, you shouldn't stay out
'so late
on school nights, huh.'
Oh, no!
What's the matter, Tommy?
Spend your lips last night
upon make out point?
Oh? well, how do you know
that he was parked
upon make out point?
Personal observation?
Yeah, Ms. Big Mouth.
You got sprained lips, too?
(Susan)
'Yeah, I think
Elizabeth sprained her lips'
sticking her foot
into her mouth.
- Can I be excused?
- "May I be excused," Nicholas.
Sure, go ahead.
That's very funny, Nicholas.
I'm trying to give you
a grammar lesson.
It's "May I be excused."
Well, okay. Can I?
I thought you were
gonna wait for Irving J. Moore.
Nah, I'll see him later.
Uh, hey, dad, can I have
an advance on my allowance?
It's sort of a matter
of life and death.
No, it's probably
a matter of Donald Darlin'.
also known as
Donald D. Arlin Super Jock.
He drives
his father's Trans-Am
and he's trying
to monogram Linda Aimes.
No, no, no,
you mean monopolize, don't you?
Oh, no, dad, you give someone
a monogram when you go steady.
Really? Huh.
Somebody should write
a book on the language
on courting rituals
of a th century adolescent.
They'd have to rate it
"B" for boring.
Well, I don't know
if this is gonna cover
the cost of the Trans-Am,
but, good luck.
Just as long as it covers
the cost of the monogram.
You know, I can never
get used to this business.
The strident voices
of nine-year-olds
first thing in the morning.
You really should be
used to it by now, Andy.
You think so, wouldn't you?
Occupational hazard, I guess.
[clear throats]
Good morning...Nicholas.
Good morning, Mr. Andrews.
Good morning, Ms. Hamilton.
Good morning.
[instrumental music]
Well.
Refer to an aggressive if..
'...somewhat
abbreviated competitor.'
Thank you, Mr. Andrews. I'll see
you at the faculty meeting.
[indistinct chatter]
Thank you for offering to stay
and help me clean the board.
I got all the dust
off of your eraser too.
I think I know where it went.
You're not gonna spit
on that, are you?
No, Mr. Bradford,
I'm not gonna spit on it.
There you go. All done.
I think
we're about done here, too.
Just the blinds.
Do you need
a ride home, Nicholas?
No, ma'am. I got my bike.
- Bye, Ms. Hamilton.
- Bye, Nicholas.
Thank you for all the help.
You're welcome.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
Hi, you goose.
That's mine!
Hey, Nicholas,
what a lovely perfume.
Mind your own business!
And quit picking up
guys' handkerchiefs.
[laughs]
Hm..
Oh, Nicholas, how nice.
- You're my very first customer.
- Huh?
For the art sale.
Isn't that why you came by?
Oh, yeah.
Sure, I guess so.
I-I found your handkerchief
and I thought you'd like to know
that it was found,
before Monday and all.
That's why I brought it
to your house on Saturday.
Oh, I had a feeling
you might have found it.
You know, Nicholas,
I think it's very nice
that you came by to see me.
But you mustn't
keep finding things, okay?
Mm-hm.
Nicholas, come on.
Help me set this things out.
Then if you are hungry,
we can go in the house
and have some tea and crumpets.
Tea and trumpets?
That's crumpets, with a "C."
It's just an expression.
'Actually, I've got
some blueberry muffins.'
Oh, boy!
[instrumental music]
Here we are.
Hot from the oven.
- Mm. Do they smell good.
- Mm-hmm.
Have a seat, Mr. Bradford.
I guess I am kinda hungry.
Oh, well, I think
you'll like this muffins.
And the tea.
Especially with lots of milk
in it, it's very English.
Very proper.
Hm.
[clattering]
Too hot?
No, things just kind of break
easy when I'm around.
Not to worry.
I trust you.
Well, one way to ensure
privacy in this house
say you'll do the dishes,
everybody takes off
before you get a chance
to change your mind.
[both chuckle]
Hmm.
The men in this house
are behaving strangely.
Huh? What do you mean
strangely?
I'd say
it's, uh, downright familiar.
Well, what is it
with you guys, anyway?
First of all, Tommy shows up
for breakfast and he doesn't
eat a bite and Nicholas
doesn't even show up.
Yes, well, Tommy
and I are merely exhibiting
dissimilar symptoms
of the shared malady.
I beg your pardon?
Love, my dear.
Plays havoc
with the appetite.
[birds chirping]
[clattering]
Hey, that looks like you.
Thank you, sir.
It is me.
Can I buy it?
Then I'd really
be your first customer.
Of course.
That is it you really want to.
Nicholas, what in the world
would you do
with an oil painting?
Put it up in my room.
Next to my Wonder Frog poster.
Well, I'm flattered.
How much is it?
Well, how much
did you wanna spend?
Let's see.
Well, I only got
three cents with me
but I got cents
back home in my piggy bank.
'Is cents enough?'
Nicholas, are you sure
you wanna spend
that much money
on a painting?
Yeah, it's worth it.
Well, you're in luck.
The price is only cents.
I'll tell you what,
you can take it home with you
and bring the money
to school on Monday.
You can buy it on credit.
Okay, but I don't
have a credit card.
You've got something better,
an honest face.
Well, don't you have to give me
a bill or something?
I don't think that's really
necessary under
the circumstances.
Just a simple..
On the other hand,
this is a business arrangement
so I think a little
documentation is in order.
Here you are, Mr. Bradford.
A formal memorandum
of our transaction.
And a handshake
to seal a bargain.
- Bye, Ms. Hamilton.
- Bye.
[inhales sharply]
(whispers)
Hello, Dr. Maxwell.
This is Tommy Bradford.
Whispering?
[normal voice]
Who-who is whispering?
Yeah. Fine, fine.
Actually, not so fine.
You see, I hate to bother you
on a Saturday, but..
Yeah, I know I can tell you,
Dr. Maxwell, but..
Of course, you've been our
family doctor for years, but..
Well, you see, it's personal.
Extremely personal.
Much too personal
to discuss on the phone.
You could?
You would?
Oh, Dr. Maxwell.
That's terrific, thank you.
Alright, I'll see you
in about a half and hour.
Alright, bye.
[sighs]
You just saved my life.
[door slams]
Nicholas, can't you
just close the door?
I closed it, dad.
I even made sure.
Oh, well, next time
don't be so sure.
What's that
you got there, Nicholas?
- Could we see it?
- Just a picture.
Gee, I thought it was a pizza.
[chuckles]
Some pizza.
(Abby)
'I think it's very lovely.
Where did it come from?'
From, Italy. Where else?
Well, I sort of found it.
I'm gonna keep it up on my room
where they can't look at it.
Just make sure it's not
on my side of the room.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
[groans]
Oh!
Well, you can stop worrying,
Tommy. It's not fatal.
You have a mild case
of gingivostomatitis.
[sighs]
Boy I thought you were
gonna say I had a trench mouth.
Tommy, gingivostomatitis
is trench mouth.
Trench mouth, I'm ruined.
Now, just hold on.
It's not that serious.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I am sure.
Gingi.. Trench mouth
is the by-product
of fatigue, anxiety
and uh, poor nutrition.
You've been worrying
about anything, uh..
...staying up late,
eating lot of junk food?
- Yeah.
- Hm.
Alright, I'm gonna give
you prescription.
You have it filled out.
Follow the instructions
and try not to look so tragic.
Not to look so tragic.
Tomorrow night, I have a date
with Linda. The Linda Aimes.
Tomorrow night?
Well, let me put it
to you this way.
It's not highly contagious,
but it is mildly unpleasant.
So I suggest when
you see her to her door
you shake her hand.
She'll think you're a gentleman.
She'll think I'm an idiot.
Fill this out anyway.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Where have you been?
I've been calling
your house all day.
Around.
- What's that?
- Oh, nothing.
- Come on, let's go, Irving.
- I know who that is.
No, you don't know
nothing, Irving.
- Come on, let's go.
- Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Lay off of me, Irving. Quit it!
Nicholas, Irving.
Stop it. Both of you.
Now, what's going on here?
What are you fighting about?
'Nicholas.'
Look what you did.
You ruined my whole picture
now it's all falling apart.
And it's all your fault,
Irving J. Moore.
I didn't mean to hurt
your dumb ol' paintin'.
What is all the ruckus about?
They gonna hear you
down at the state capital.
Tom, look at this.
Something's strange
is happening to this picture.
W-what are those, hands?
Don't you see? There's another
painting under the surface.
Another painting?
- No.
- Really curly.
- Joannie.
- Oh, come on.
Don't be a stick
in the mud, Mary.
Break out.
Try something new.
Something au courant, huh?
Oh, I know, I know.
How about a pyramid fur?
- Yeah.
- Joannie.
Will you just
trim the split ends
and spare me
the Vidal Sassoon routine?
Mary!
(Abby)
When the restoration
was complete, Viola!
A genuine Henri Matisse.
See, someone had
painted cows all over it.
Probably the hideout
from the Nazis or something.
No, no, no,
the Nazis occupied France
not Sacramento.
Wait a minute.
See, there are other
reasons for hiding
a valuable painting.
Customs, the IRS..
All I'm saying is that
maybe, we could have an expert
check out the value
of Nicholas' painting.
How about Alan Badger?
The art senator
of the registered?
No, he's in the hospital
with an ulcer.
Wait a minute,
speaking of hospitals
I do know an expert.
'And he makes house calls.'
- House calls?
- Hey, Mary, Mary.
Greg Maxwell is a qualified
odd Historian.
In fact, he's even
on the selection committee
at the county museum.
He should be able
to tell a difference
between a treasure and trash.
I'll go call him.
Go call him.
Did any of that
makes sense to you?
- Nazis?
- Yeah.
In Sacramento? Huh!
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Let's see.
Gargle three minutes
six times per day.
Ugh!
[sighing]
Here's lookin' at you, kid.
Anybody in here?
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, Tommy. Is that you?
[gargling]
Huh?
[gargling loudly]
(Susan)
'Well, how much longer
are you gonna be?'
[water splashes]
Oh, great. Takin' a shower.
Hey, call me
when you come out, huh?
[gargling]
Well, what do you think?
Does it meet
the Nicholas Bradford
peanut butter and jelly
sandwich seal of approval?
Nope, not enough peanut butter.
Oh, well,
I'm a little out of practice.
How about some milk
and cookies for dessert?
Don't you have any tea?
Since when do you drink tea?
David, how old do you
have to be to get married?
Married?
Nicholas, are you planning
to bite the b*llet?
Nah, I was just
wondering. Fourteen?
No, no, more like eighteen.
Eighteen.
I figured it'd be older.
Oh, Nicholas, wait a minute.
You don't even like girls.
- She's not a girl.
- Who's not a girl?
- No one.
- 'No one?'
Mm.
[laughs]
- Dr. Maxwell?
- Hi, Tommy.
Why are you here?
I, uh, came to see your father.
Oh, but you can't.
I mean, you promised.
What about doctor patient
confidentiality?
- Max, good to see you.
- Hey, how are you?
Tommy, please.
Do you mind letting
Dr. Maxwell in the house?
Uh, Max, it's right in here.
In the living room.
In the living room?
- Hi!
- Hi! Take a look at this.
Oh, interesting.
Easy. Almost unstudied.
Yet...the control
is obvious.
Somber tones.
Balanced use of light.
The, uh...technique employs
[indistinct]
Well, I'd say, it isn't much.
'The talent
is definitely genuine.'
So much for the "A"
I got in Art Appreciation.
Acrylic.
So that's why it chipped off.
Acrylic, then it's recent?
Oh, uh, the lady
is very much a contemporary
but, the child..
'...it's, uh, very difficult
to tell at this point.'
'You see, um,
once the oils are cured'
it's very difficult
to judge the age
without the special equipment.
But the hands
seem to belong
to that of a child.
See the ring,
rings on children's fingers
usually indicate royalty.
Then it's possible.
Oh, Abby,
anything is possible
but, I'm talking
speculation, not verification.
Frankly, Max, I don't know
what you're talking.
Could you be
a little less mystical.
I think you should
take this to a museum
and get an expert opinion.
You see, the, uh,
the style, the, uh, the color
the subject matter, all seem
to suggest that, uh..
...that this might,
just might..
'...be a very
valuable painting.'
Wa-wait a minute.
What's he talking about?
Now, two years back
they turned up a "Rembrandt"
that sold at auction
in London for over $. million.
Or was it pounds?
- $. million.
- . million pounds.
What's a pound worth anyway?
A dollar sixty eight, at the
current rate of exchange.
Wow, what's that figure
cut to be?
(Tommy)
'Two million one hundred'
and eighty four thousand
smackers.
Boy! That's a lot
of money for a pizza.
Yeah, I can't believe it.
A little twerp finds a painting
and it turns out to be
worth a couple a million.
We hope.
Dad's gonna have it upraised.
So, it's only worth
a measly million.
Let's see, divided by eight..
...that works out to a hundred
and twenty five grand a piece.
Hey! Haven't you left
a few people out?
There are ten of us
in this family.
David doesn't live here
and Nicholas.. sh**t!
Nicholas wouldn't know
what to do with a dollar
'much less, a hundred
and twenty-five thousand.'
- But it's his painting.
- Yeah.
(Tommy)
'So we'll
double his allowance.'
Just think a hundred
and twenty-five
thousand dollars.
My own Trans-Am.
Several Trans-Ams.
You know what
I've always wanted?
A different pair of shoes
for every day of the month.
Every month.
I wonder if John Travolta
could be bought.
Hm.
Yeah, my very own
day-care center.
Supplies, playgrounds,
staff full of experts.
Oh, can you imagine?
Producing, directing
and starring
in your own movie.
Yeah, a remake of "King Lear."
Why not remake "w*r And Peace"
while you're at it?
No, no.
No strong female role.
No, you guys
are really too much.
I mean, Dr. Maxwell mentions
that Nicholas' painting
just might happen
to be worth the money
and you guys
are already spending it.
Hey, Mary,
we're not spending it
we're just thinking
about spending it.
I think you guys
are being ridiculous
getting all worked up
about some silly pipe drea..
Hm.
I wonder what a nice, small..
...well-equipped
medical clinic would cost.
- I am starved.
- Yeah.
Well, how does
a nice fresh lobster
with a beautiful
dry white wine sound to you?
Ah. It sounds divine.
[knock on the door]
Come in.
How come my picture
was down in the living room?
Oh, hi, Nicholas.
We were showing it
to Dr. Maxwell.
He thinks that we should
bring it down to the museum
and have the expert
there examine it.
Did you know that your painting
might be very valuable?
Sure, it's valuable.
I could have told you that.
Oh, you, well, I'm not as smart
about these things as you are.
So that's why I thought
we should consult
with Dr. Maxwell.
How come nobody
consults with me?
Listen, I understand
how you feel, Nicholas
and I would have
consulted with you if..
Oh, looks like
I'm playing to an empty house.
[instrumental music]
[coins clinking]
[music continues]
[birds chirping]
[music continues]
(Nancy)
'Well, I don't think
we should even tell him.'
(Susan)
'What do you mean,
don't tell him?'
(Nancy)
'He's a little kid.'
'What does he need
a painting for?'
'I bet he'll swap it tomorrow
for baseball cards.'
(Susan)
'What are you suggesting?'
(Nancy)
'That we take it away from him'
'before he does
something dumb with it.'
[music continues]
Don't worry,
I'll take you some place
where they won't find you.
[instrumental music]
Bye bye, Francine.
- Hi, David.
- Hi, hi. Is dad around?
No, he and Abby
went out to dinner.
Their weekly escape.
Any idea where he keeps
my fly rod he borrowed?
No, but as soon
as we sell Nicholas' painting
you can buy
a dozen fly rods.
Are you kidding.
I've seen how Nicholas paints.
He'd be lucky to sell them
for a dozen dead flies.
Hey, Nicholas didn't paint it.
He found it.
And it's some
monetary masterpiece.
An economic work of art.
A financial fresco.
Fresco's are painted
on walls, you dummy.
So I'm a business man,
not an art critic.
Will somebody please
tell me what's going on?
Oh yeah, the Bradford gallery
is now open. Come on.
Yeah, take a look.
Hey! Somebody moved it.
Oh, I bet Nicholas just
took it back up to his room.
I'll go get it.
Hey, would you check
dad's closet
see if my fly rod's in it?
Relax, David, I told you
we'd buy you a dozen of 'em.
Wouldn't help.
Dad will just borrow
them all and forget
to bring them back.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, oh yeah,
that looks good. Thanks.
Now, the lobster sounds good.
Well, it ought to be
with its prices.
Well, if we were like
our free-spending kids
I would just order
the whole menu A La Car.
Did you hear
Joannie this afternoon?
She was asking
about the cost
of renting a theater,
an entire theater.
At least, she's renting.
Nancy is spending
the money that she doesn't have
on actual purchases
on way or way.
Hm, maybe, we shouldn't
have told them anything
about the painting until we knew
for sure just what it was worth.
Let 'em dream.
It's cheaper than rock concerts,
movies or disco dancing.
I wonder what could have
happened to it?
Hey, the painting's
not up there.
What do you mean
it's not up there?
Did you look in Nicholas'
secret hiding place?
Yeah and every place else.
You don't suppose
we had a burglar?
A burglar?
Nicholas, we have
some bad news for you.
Yeah, we're afraid
a burglar took our picture
right out of the living room.
It's wasn't our picture.
And it wasn't any burglar.
You mean you took it?
No, you took it,
and I took it back and hid it.
Where, Nicholas?
Where'd you hide it?
In a secret hiding place
that nobody ever had before.
Come on, Nicholas,
we're a family.
Yeah, share and share alike.
Uh-uh, I'm not showing
nothing like. So there.
Oh, come on, Nicholas.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hm.
- Hm.
Well, shall we drift back
to fantasy island?
Can I finish
my coffee first?
Hm, oh, I'm sorry.
I was so relaxed.
I didn't even realize.
It's okay.
It's relaxing,
not being
barraged by another
spending scheme.
You know, I've been thinking
Joannie really
doesn't need a theater
but wouldn't it be nice
if she can take in
the Shakespeare festival
at Stratford this summer?
Yeah, but it might be even
better if we could remodel
the attic and she'd have
a room of her own.
Give them all rooms
of their own.
- Ah! And another bathroom.
- Hm.
[music continues]
Look at us.
It's contagious.
[chuckles]
Remind me to call
Max in the morning.
- About the appraisal?
- No.
About performing a fantasectomy
on the whole family.
A fantis.. What?
A "Fantasectomy."
It's just
like an "Appendectomy"
but you take away the fantasy
instead of the appendix.
- I've never heard that word.
- Of course, not.
- I created it.
- I thought so.
[laughing]
Don't you see, Nicholas?
You're gonna be depriving
all of mankind
of part of their
cultural heritage.
Now, do you want
that on your conscience?
Well, I guess it's okay.
Oh, Joannie, I don't think
that arguments gonna work.
I mean, you have
to deal in terms
of Nicholas'
own self-interest.
Watch me.
Be reasonable, Nicholas.
'Now, we can't live in a house
with a million dollar painting.'
We would have to install
a complete security system.
Now, would you like to have
to use a password every time
you enter your own bedroom, huh?
Yeah, that'd be great.
And then, only me and Tommy
would know
the secret passwords.
So we can get away
from our three pushy sisters.
- Three? Pushy?
- Sisters.
[sighs]
What?
Alright, kid. Where did you
stash the painting?
We have ways
to make you talk, you know?
What ways?
Do you remember
that "Fu-man-chu" movie?
'The one with the crocodiles?'
And it made you sleep
with the lights on
for a whole month?
Alright, no more crocodiles.
Please, no more.
The picture is..
It's under Tommy's bed.
Alright.
(Elizabeth)
'It's not here.'
This squirt's been watching
movies we haven't even seen.
- And yeah after all--
- Hold it. Now, one at a time.
Are you tellin' me
that Nicholas is gone?
No, dad, the painting's gone,
Nicholas is in his playhouse.
He ran out
and locked himself in
'after Elizabeth and Tommy
tried to t*rture him.'
- t*rture him?
- It was just talk.
(Tommy)
'Yeah, that was our
big mistake.'
We should have tortured
first and talked later.
Well, I better go negotiate.
Watch it, dad,
he's acting weird.
I think he got
hit on the head
or he's coming down
with something.
Coming down with something?
Yeah, a locked jaw.
[knock on the door]
Go away.
Nicholas, this is your father,
now let me in.
- No.
- Now, Nicholas.
I'm too tired
for huffing and puffing.
Hi.
Well, uh, do you mind
if I sit down?
- No chairs.
- Oh.
Well, uh, that's no problem.
Gee! You must be desperate.
You haven't hidden out
in this place since the time
I put your pet plant
to sleep, you remember that?
What's the problem?
They all want
to steal my painting.
Oh no, they don't
want to steal it.
They wanna take it to the museum
and have it appraised.
'It could mean a lot
to the family, Nicholas.'
It already means a lot to me.
I know, it's just that..
If the painting
is worth what Dr. Maxwell
thinks it might be worth,
it could change your whole life.
- Seems different already.
- 'Yeah, I know.'
What's happening?
I don't wanna go to some museum
and see my own painting.
But the museum
is not gonna keep it
they're just gonna examine it.
- Will they hurt it?
- Oh, no.
They're gonna take
very good care of it.
In fact, you can
come down there and watch.
'What do you say?'
Well..
But, dad, you can't.
The painting isn't
safe with Nicholas.
That's enough.
Now, Nicholas has agreed
to have the painting appraised.
And I agree that nobody
else in the family
would touch it until then.
So that's the ball game.
Oh, but, dad, what if it turns
out to be worth a million?
One step at a time, Susan.
One step at a time.
Just sit back and relax.
And enjoy your taco orgy.
Hey, hey, hey,
let's hear it for the chef.
[all]
Let's hear it for the chef.
[cheering]
- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.
- Hey, I had a good idea.
- What?
With all the money
that we're gonna make
why don't we hire
some poor starving artist
and paint a copy of the picture
and then we'll switch it
on Nicholas and he'll never
know the difference.
Oh, tacky, Tommy,
really tacky.
Hm.
What's the matter,
bite your tongue?
Yeah, I-I bit my tongue.
Hey, Tommy, I was looking
for your shampoo
and I found this. Uh, it says
gargle six times a day.
What's the matter, you got,
tonsillitis or something?
Uh, no, It's not tonsillitis.
Dr. Maxwell says
I have this rare disease
and I shouldn't eat crunchy
foods for a couple of days.
I guess I forgot.
What rare disease?
Says here on the bottle,
"Gingevius Termotitus."
Ginger-whata-mius?
Trench mouth?
- Ugh!
- Yuck, gross.
Ew, I think I'll go
upstairs and boil my teeth.
[all retching]
Hey, it's not contagious.
If anybody blabs to Linda Aimes,
I'm gonna use your tooth brush!
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
"Balance due from Nicholas
for painting, cents K.H."
[music continues]
It's been a hard day
huh, Nicholas?
[music continues]
Oh, Tom,
we may have another problem.
Oh, keep it. We've used
our quota through .
No, listen.
Nicholas, doesn't
really own the painting.
[instrumental music]
(Susan)
'You mean,
Nicholas stole the painting?'
No, he bought it. The problem
is he didn't pay for it.
- Oh, dad, are you sure?
- Yeah.
I saw the bill of sale
it says
"Balance due, cents."
Fifty cents on margin
that's the best investment
the shrimp will ever make.
Who is the bill from, Abby?
It was signed K.H.
K.H, K.H, who?
Who's that? Um..
...I.M, Irving Moore.
K.P.L, Kenny Peat Landers.
Who else, you guys.
Who else?
Face it, Joannie, we just don't
know every kid Nicholas knows.
Well, then we'll just
have to find that kid
pay him the cents
and the painting will
belong to Nicholas, and us.
Unless, of course,
that child never had permission
from his parents to sell
the painting in the first place.
I say we get
Nicholas down here
and make him tell us
who he bought it from.
Yeah, we almost
had Nicholas talking
when we threatened him
with crocodiles.
No more crocodiles now.
- How about trench mouth?
- What?
Forget it, dad.
Let's forget everything,
except sleep, alright?
I'll talk to Nicholas
in the morning.
In the mean time, I don't
want anybody harassing Nicholas.
- Is that clear?
- Yes, daddy, sure.
[instrumental music]
[cat meowing]
[music continues]
[gargling]
Come on, Tommy.
First you wake us up then
you contaminate our bathroom.
Just knock it off
or I'll breathe on you.
'At least, trench mouth
is good for a little privacy.'
Wait till you see
how much privacy
you get from Linda Aimes.
[laughs]
[birds chirping]
Nicholas,
how about a little breakfast?
Out here?
Well, I thought you might
enjoy eating in privacy.
But, Tommy's the one
with the trench mouth.
Boy, good news travels fast.
Hey, would it be
alright if I had
a little talk with you
over breakfast?
Well, alright.
[birds chirping]
[scraping]
Okay.
Now, Nicholas..
...now that we know that
you didn't find that painting
I've gotta find out
who sold it to you.
I can't tell you.
Please, Nicholas,
there's a lot at stake here.
I'm gonna have to
talk to your friend, K.H.
- No, don't! You can't!
- Now, listen to me, Nicholas.
Suppose the painting
is worth a lot of money
we've gotta find out
who it really belongs to.
'That's only fair
to your friend.'
- Do you think she'll get mad?
- "She?"
Look, don't ask me
any more questions.
Wait a minute. Why not?
Because you'll laugh,
and spoil everything!
Oh, no, Nicholas,
I wouldn't laugh.
Believe me,
I'd never laugh at you.
Ms. Hamilton sold it to me.
Ms. Hamilton?
- Your teacher?
- Yeah.
She is kinda pretty
and she does
smile a lot with her eyes.
And she did let me
clean out all the erasers.
Oh. Wow!
She must like you an awful lot.
You really think so?
Well, she did let me drink tea
out of those little
skinny cups, you know?
And she did trust me to bring
back that money that I owed her.
Wow.
She's gonna like you even more
if we're honest with her
about the painting!
Dad, are you gonna tell anyone
that we like each other?
No, that's our secret!
Does Ms. Hamilton have
to know that I like her?
- I won't tell her.
- Never?
- 'Never.'
- Ever?
- Ever.
- Good.
Then I won't tell her either
unless she decides to marry
that creep, Mr. Andrews
'before I grew all up.'
Did you find out anything?
Oh, Abby, this involves
a lot more than a painting.
Does it involve
the mysterious K.H.?
I'm sorry, but Nicholas
swore me to absolute secrecy.
Man talk, huh?
Yeah, you wouldn't
believe how manly.
Hm.
(Tommy)
'Look, Linda,
how can I go out with you'
'if I have appendicitis?'
No, I did not have my appendix
taken out last year.
Linda?
Linda?
Why doesn't he just
tell her the truth?
Are you kidding?
He'd rather have them take out
his appendix out again.
Bye.
[birds chirping]
[engine rumbling]
[doorbell dings]
- Yes?
- Oh, hello, Ms. Hamilton.
Oh, wait. I think I know you.
Weren't you here last week,
trying to list my house?
- I'm really not int--
- No, no, we did meet once.
But it was at, uh,
parent's night.
Of course, there were
of us and only one of you.
I'm Tom Bradford,
Nicholas' father.
Oh, of course. Nicholas.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Bradford
but it seems that every time
this doorbell rings, I..
Oh, please, come in,
won't you?
Oh, sure. Thank you.
- Have a seat.
- Thanks.
Can I get you something?
Some tea?
Oh, no, thank you.
Although I hear that you have
some very nice china.
[laughs]
I'm glad Nicholas liked it.
And I can assure you,
the tea was mostly milk.
Oh, what I'm really
concerned with
is the painting
that he bought from you.
Is it true that he hasn't
actually paid you for that yet?
Oh, I hope you didn't
come all this way
just to bring me cents.
Oh, no, no, no,
I-I-I came to tell you
that I, I think it's worth
a lot more than that.
A few dollars, maybe,
for paint and canvas..
Tch, but Nicholas
was so eager to have it, and..
Well, as the artist,
I was flattered
that he could see
the resemblance.
Y-y-you're the artist?
I probably shouldn't acknowledge
a very bad self-portrait.
'But Nicholas
recognized it was me.'
I guess a nine-year-old
boy with a crush
is both blind and all-seeing.
I-if Nicholas should ask,
be sure you tell him
that you said crush
and that I denied it
on a stack of Bibles.
Ms. Hamilton,
t-the self portrait
that you did on that canvas
was on top
of another painting.
What was that?
Yes, La Enfonta.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, a child.
The daughter of a Spanish king.
Uh, th century.
You mean that you painted
over an old master?
Hardly. I painted over
my bad copy of an old master.
I could hardly wait to cover
it up with a self portrait.
I see.
You painted both.
Mr. Bradford,
what's this all about?
Oh, well, it-it's about..
...a very young boy..
...and a very special lady
and some tea,
and some sympathy.
Deborah Kerr did it better.
Oh, no, Ms. Hamilton.
I doubt that.
I doubt that very much.
[instrumental music]
[birds chirping]
[engine rumbling]
- Well, did you see her?
- Uh-huh.
Well, does she want
the painting back?
No, Nicholas,
it's yours to keep.
- Thanks, dad.
- That's alright.
It's my pleasure
to help you, Nicholas.
You know, not only
are you an astute patron
of the arts,
but you are an exceptional judge
'of exceptional ladies.'
Did you like Ms. Hamilton?
Oh, yes. Yes, I liked her.
In fact, if I were
nine years old and single..
Mm.
So, there you have it.
The painting is of no value
to anybody, except Nicholas.
[indistinct chatter]
Then why did
he make such a fuss
about where he got
the darn thing?
Oh, that doesn't matter.
What really does matter
is that the painting
was Nicholas', it is Nicholas'
and it will remain Nicholas'.
'Where he got it
is his business.'
And why he likes it,
it's his secret.
(Joanie)
'Oh, well.'
Producing my own movie
might have just diverted me
from perfecting my art, anyway.
Right. I couldn't
start the clinic
for, oh, another seven
or eight years, anyway.
John Travolta
eat your heart out.
- John Travolta?
- Yeah. Poor guy.
Somebody's gotta tell him
that he'll have
to tour Europe without me.
This year.
(Tom)
'Try it.'
'Mm.'
Do you think she'll wait
till I grow up?
Oh, I don't think so, Nicholas.
Not that she wouldn't
want to, it's just that
'it's gonna take you
quite a while.'
She knows that you would miss
an awful lot
if you tried to hurry.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Everyone says mixed marriages
are kinda rough.
Well, I better
catch up with Dermot
before the team gets
short-staffed with someone else!
[instrumental music]
Someday, when you
speak of this..
...and you will..
...please be kind.
Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ms. Linda Aimes.
- Hi, Linda.
- Hi.
- 'Hey.'
- Linda.
(Tommy)
'What are you doing here?'
I just wanted to talk
to Tommy about all that rubbish
he tried to feed me
on the phone this morning.
Well?
Oh, come on, Linda.
What do you want me to tell you?
The truth.
What's the real
reason you can't
'take me to the
film festival tonight?'
He just couldn't bring
himself to tell you
that he has gingivistomatitis.
Trench mouth? Big deal.
It's not contagious, you know.
Tonight, however, you'll have
to settle for holding hands.
'We'll pretend
you're a gentleman.'
A gentleman? Tommy?
Lots of luck!
Unless love is blind.
[theme music]
[music continues]
03x05 - Milk and Sympathy
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.