Here's that file you
asked for, kotter.
Oh, mr. Woodman,
did I ever tell you
About my uncle rodney
who owned a jewelry store?
Oh, kotter, please.
Mr. Woodman, you're
gonna like this joke, listen.
My uncle owns a
jewelry store, right?
So all of a sudden,
he gets robbed.
You know, never happened
to him before, he gets robbed,
He calls the cops,
the cops come over.
He says, "I was robbed."
Cop says, "who was
the perpetrator?"
My uncle said, "the
perpetrator was an elephant."
An elephant?
An elephant.
Cop said, "what kind
of elephant was it?
African elephant
or indian elephant?"
My uncle said, "well
how should I know that?"
The cop says, "well,
an african elephant
Has long ears, an indian
elephant has short ears."
So my uncle says,
"I couldn't see,
He had a stocking
over his head."
Ha-ha-ha!
That's funny! Ha-ha-ha!
♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names
have all changed
Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have remained
And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot
'Cause we got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome
back, welcome back ♪♪
♪
Now girls, I know
that things are a mess,
But it's gonna get a
lot better around here
When I get used to
being a mother, really.
♪
Julie, uh, what is the
coffee percolator
Doing in the bathroom?
I ran out of sockets
in the kitchen.
Why don't you bring
the toaster in there?
We'll have breakfast
in the bathroom.
It's cute, gabe.
Just a joke.
Honey, where's my tie?
Your tie, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
It's around here
somewhere, saw it
When I was cleaning up.
- Don't panic.
- Where is it?
I'm looking for it.
Just wait... Now come on.
What happened,
run out of pampers?
Aw, it's your favorite tie.
Not anymore.
Oh, honey, I know
everything's a mess.
I've really let this
place go downhill.
Don't worry about it.
It's probably my fault.
I tell you what,
I'll be home at 3:30
And I'll take care of
everything, all right?
We'll go shopping and
hold out till then, okay?
Yeah, sure.
Don't worry about food.
If I get desperate, there
are some ketchup stains
On this shirt.
Well, for dessert,
there are some
Chocolate pudding
stains on my navy jacket.
Okay, bye-bye girls.
I'll see you, okay?
Why were you crying last
night, you keep daddy up,
Yes you did.
You were so good last night.
Yes you were, you're
a good little girl.
Girls, say good-bye
to your father now.
He's gonna go to school
and learn how to talk
Like a grown man.
I can talk like a grown man.
Farewell, my lovelies.
The author of your being departs
For his daily toil.
So he can buy pabulum and milky.
Come on, vinnie, the
test is tomorrow.
Now, you get your head together.
Be a credit to your hair.
All right, I'm gonna be
serious about it now, guys.
You can ask me any question
you want, I can answer.
All right, all
right, let's start
With the roughies.
You answer this one
here, you get to go
To door number two.
Okay, vinnie, my man.
When was the spanish
armada defeated,
Answer that question to me.
Friday afternoon.
When?
All right, that's a easy one.
That's 1588.
Pretty good, that's nice.
Very impressive, vinnie.
Now, um, what is the formula
For the area of a circle?
That's another easy one.
That's pi r-squared.
Very good, hey, I'm surprised.
Now, who said, "get
thee to a nunnery"?
Another easy one.
Hey, hey, hey!
What are you doing, what?
What is this?
I'm cheating, what
does it look like
I'm doing?
You know, vinnie, we
skipped a whole lunch period
Just to help you here.
I know, I know that,
you're helping me,
But I'm practicing,
I'm practicin' cheatin'.
Come on, vin, let's go,
let's wash this stuff
Off your hands and feet.
Well, you're gonna
have to give me shower.
Look at this.
What a strange place to
put the monroe doctrine.
You want to see the
louisiana purchase?
- Hi, guys.
- How you doing?
What are you doing here, you're
missing your favorite subject.
Lunch.
Who's hungry,
we're trying to help
Vinnie study.
Vinnie, haven't
you been studying
For the last week?
Oh, yeah, I know it like
the back of my hand.
What's going on here?
Gentlemen.
Uh...
- Mr. Horshack.
- Yes, mr. Washington.
Will you like to join
me for a bite of lunch?
Oh, that sounds
like a capital idea!
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hear, hear.
- There, there.
- Where, where.
Shall we say the
school cafeteria?
Oh, that's a novel
idea, mr. Epstein!
Lovely, lovely.
We'll start with
the pate de garbage.
Quite right, quite right.
Why haven't you been
studying all week?
Well, I was gonna
wait till tonight
So you could help me.
I can't help you tonight,
I gotta help julie.
Oh, of course you
can help me tonight.
That's how I had it planned.
Vinnie, I don't care
what you planned.
Tonight, you're on
your own, I have to be
With my family.
That's final.
Look, mr. Kotter, you
may not believe this or not,
But I would trade my face
for your brains right now.
I'd trade my body
too, but I need it
For the weekends.
Well, barbarino.
You, uh, ready to
fail a test tomorrow?
Mr. Woodman, why don't
you go take a couple days off
And go hang gliding?
It's good weather
for it, no wind.
There's no chance, barbarino.
Oh, incidentally, just
to be on the safe side,
I'm making up a brand new test.
This'll be a breeze
for barbarino.
You do know the bylaws
to the constitution
Of costa rica, don't you?
How you doing, kotter?
See that? See
what he does to me?
I don't know nothing
about costa rica,
I've never even seen the movie.
Okay, girls, now
here's the deal.
You can either go to sleep
Or you can wash the dishes.
I knew you'd take
the easy way out.
Shh!
Hey, how you doing, mrs. Kotter?
All right, bring
him in, bring him in!
I'm scared to ask, but
what's wrong with vinnie?
You know anything
about psychology?
- Yeah, a little.
- Well, it ain't gonna help.
It's got nothing to
do with psychology.
It's purely mental.
This man is a victim
of overstudy.
Notice the swollen cranial area.
36 Hours with
his nose in a book.
Notice the crease in his nose.
His brain is on its last leg.
Sounds serious.
Must be, he's not laughing.
What are you guys doing?
We're trying to get this man
back to his rightful station.
To give him back the
cloak of respectability.
Maybe he left his
cloak at the station.
- Maybe.
- A possibility.
- Maybe not.
- Vinnie.
Vinnie.
Vinnie.
Vinnie, what's your problem?
Mr. Kotter wouldn't
help me study,
So I had to study by myself.
Now my brain hurts.
Hi, honey.
What's going on here?
I think that vinnie's mental
circuits are overloaded.
Couldn't be, they're
not even plugged in.
I don't feel so good.
Look what's happening,
the kid's havin' a relapse.
What do you guys want me to do?
Take the test for vinnie?
Would you?
Oh, mr. Kotter.
All I gotta do, I give
you my jacket, right?
Straighten out your hair.
Maybe we'll have to
take your mustache off
And you could miss
a couple questions,
That way they'd
know that you was me.
Vinnie, go home and study.
Come on, mr. Kotter,
you gotta help me!
You gotta help me!
I'm gonna help you
through the door,
And then you're gonna go home
And you're gonna study.
Oh.
Mr. Kotter.
These are not the
words of a gracious host.
You know, I ain't never
seen you like this.
Yep. The times,
they are a changin'.
Yes, they are a changin'.
Let me try and make you
guys understand this.
I have a wife and two babies.
You guys are only
part of my life.
Not all of it.
Come on, let's go,
we're not wanted here.
Well, I had to do it, I mean...
Well, you did it.
I know I did it.
But I had to do it,
I mean, I was right.
♪
I was right, and I did it.
Yep. You know what you also did?
You topped woodman on
their "least wanted" list.
I had to do it, I
was right, wasn't i?
I mean, it was the
right thing to do.
♪
I was doing the right
thing when I did it, wasn't i?
I was right.
I had to do it, and I did it
And I was right.
Yes, gabe, you were right.
I think you just may have
gone a little bit too far.
I went a little bit too far?
Julie, I haven't
heard you say that
Since we were dating.
I haven't had to.
Look, okay, what
I did was right.
Maybe I did it in the wrong way.
But I was right, right?
Yo-ho, mr. Kotter!
Your conversation
is very confusing
To those of us out here.
See, what I think...
I think you did
it wrong, but, uh,
You said it right, right?
No, I think he said it wrong
but he did it right, right?
Oh.
Never mind all that.
Well, we're here
to forget the past.
We want you to give
vinnie another chance.
I didn't even want
to come back here.
I think it is
totally undignified.
Well, anyway, me and my boys,
We talked it all over.
So, uh, would you
like to hear our plan?
No.
Now, you go and
help vinnie study.
We'll stay here
and help mrs. Kotter
And the babies.
Are you guys crazy?
Yes.
I think you should go.
Look, julie's... You do?
What happened to
the lady that, uh,
Didn't want to hear
the word "sweathog"?
She'll be back.
This is an emergency.
I think you should go,
vinnie really needs your help.
The guys will give me a hand.
Julie, what about, uh...
Don't worry about the babies,
They'll be fine.
Okay.
I'll help vinnie.
But while you guys
are here, you stay away
From anything that moves.
Does that include the laundry?
I think I just
saw it take a step
Toward the door.
Ha-ha, horshack.
Okay, come on, vinnie, let's go.
All right, now... Now what
do you want to do first?
You want to go to a movie
or have some dinner or what?
Vinnie, we're not
going on a date.
What's the matter, I ain't
good enough for you?
Now look, mrs. Kotter,
you just sit right here,
You relax your bones, the boys
Are gonna take
care of everything.
- That's right.
- No problem.
Arnold, help me
fold that laundry up.
Certainly, frederick.
Where do you want
this stuff, mrs. Kotter?
Okay, the pants
will go in this pile
And the sheets
will go in that pile.
- Gotcha.
- All right, yeah.
Perfect.
♪
Okay, vinnie, so far,
you're doing pretty good,
Now let's go on to the
true/false questions.
Good, I like those.
True-true-false.
Come on, you can't
answer the question
Before it's asked.
True.
You keep this up,
you're not gonna pass.
True!
Not taking this seriously.
False!
See now, I got three
of them right in a row.
Forget about the true/false.
What is mitosis?
That's an easy one.
Mitosis is when
the cells divide.
It's like, one part
of the cell says
To the other part of the cell,
"Look, it's been
nice being with you,
But I gotta split."
That's very close, vinne.
Now, what happens
to the single cells
When they divide?
Well, the single
cells go on their own
And they go out
to single cell bars.
You had the general idea,
now what causes mitosis
To occur?
Well, it's usually a fight
over something little
Like the one cell
forgot to put the cap
On the toothpaste.
Okay, very good
vinnie, but for the test,
Just say cells divide, mitosis.
Okay, cells divide.
Oh, I thought I heard vandals.
What are you two
doing here at this hour?
Just helping vinnie
brush up on the test.
How's it going?
Has he figured out how many n's
In vinnie yet?
I already knew that before.
I think vinnie's gonna
surprise you, mr. Woodman,
He's really been cramming it in.
Oh, yeah?
Wait till you see what language
This test is in.
♪
♪ Rock the boat,
rock the boat, baby ♪
♪ Rock the boat ♪
♪ Don't tip the boat over ♪
♪ Rock the boat ♪
Y'all cool? You cool?
♪ Rock the boat ♪
♪ Rock the boat, baby ♪
Hey, little juan.
Little juan, wake up, come on.
Our work ain't
quite finished here.
Oh.
'Scuse me, I
thought I lived here.
You do, but if you
don't feel at home,
We can put back the rubble.
Hey, mr. Kotter.
How do you like what we did?
You guys did all this?
Incredible.
Oh, mr. Kotter.
This evening, arnold
horshack has learned
The joys and responsibilities
of being a little mother.
I just hope that vinnie
worked as hard as we did.
Yeah, do you think he's
gonna pass, mr. Kotter?
Well, it's hard to say.
Wouldn't hurt, though,
if you lit a candle
On your way home.
- See you later.
- Yeah, see you later.
Bye-bye.
Hey, uh, guys.
Thank you.
Yeah, let's get out of
here before he gets mushy.
Good night, good
night, good night.
Sleeping beauty, time to get up.
Hi, honey.
Must have fallen...
This place is immaculate.
Oh, honey, you shouldn't have.
I didn't.
No.
That's right, we had
three little elves
And you slept through
the whole thing.
I couldn't... No, wait a minute.
The last thing I remember,
they were sewing your pants
Back together.
Well, I know it's
a miracle, but...
Maybe the sweathogs
are growing up.
♪
Hey, mr. Woodman,
that ain't fair,
You gradin' my test while
I'm still working on it.
Oh, is that what you're
doing? I didn't know.
You know, these questions,
they are so stupid.
I mean, this one about
winston's mother,
Why should I care
about winston's mother?
I ain't gonna date her.
Okay, that's time.
Pencils down.
Did you hear me?
Pencils down.
This is a pen.
You know what? I don't
think I paced this much
When the twins were born.
Parade's over.
Clear the grounds.
Come on, mr. Woodman,
I know that napoleon's
An emperor, but I got hungry,
That's how I come
up with the pastry.
Stop it, barbarino,
I'll take off two points
For groveling.
Mr. Woodman, how
long is it gonna take you
To grade the test?
Oh, it's graded.
Already?
I like to stay on top of things.
And?
- And?
- And?
Oh, by the way, kotter,
how are the twins doing
These days, I love 'em.
What does this have to do
with the twins, how did vinnie do?
It's embarrassing, kotter.
It's very embarrassing.
He failed?
I should've come up
with a tougher test.
He passed!
All right, all right!
All right, knock it
off, he only made it
By one point,
don't get so cocky.
Who would've
guessed that he'd know
The meaning of mitosis?
All right, barbarino.
You're back in the sweathogs.
Okay!
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
And don't be late.
Well, I'll see if I can
put it in my schedule.
♪ He's a nice guy ♪
♪ He's a good guy ♪
♪ He's a nice guy ♪
♪ He's a good guy... ♪
Well, mr. Woodman,
tomorrow morning
Is gonna be business as usual.
Unfortunately.
Let me see the test.
Why? You want to take it?
No, I just want to see it.
Come on!
This test is a very
easy test, mr. Woodman.
You wouldn't be turning
into a nice guy, would you?
Nonsense, kotter.
Don't ever let that get around.
Let's change the subject.
Why don't we say
we go to a nice, uh,
Single-cell bar?
♪
Honey, did I ever tell
you I have two uncles
That live in
huntsville, alabama?
No, what are their names?
Well, one's name is elwood,
And one's name is arthur.
Elwood and arthur?
That's right, they live
about five miles apart.
So one day, my uncle
elwood goes over
To see my uncle arthur.
He says, "how's
things going, artie?"
Artie says, "not too
good, I'm trying to sell
This here automobile here
And no one wants to buy it."
Said, "well, how many
miles you got on it?"
"142,000 Miles."
Said, "nobody's gonna buy a car
With 142,000 miles on
it, why don't you lower
That old speedometer,
just lower it on down."
Goes back to see him
about a week later.
He says, "well, how'd
you do, did you sell
That automobile?"
My uncle arthur says,
"why should I sell it?
It's only got
15,000 miles on it."
♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names
have all changed
Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have remained
And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'Cause we got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪♪
03x06 - Just Testing
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
American sitcom starring Gabe Kaplan as a high-school teacher in charge of a racially and ethnically diverse remedial education class called the "Sweathogs."
American sitcom starring Gabe Kaplan as a high-school teacher in charge of a racially and ethnically diverse remedial education class called the "Sweathogs."