03x15 - Ask Jennifer

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Carlson; oh, hiya, herb.

Hi. You, uh, wanted to see me?

- Yes, we did.
- Is this a meeting?

Yes.

- Uh, an important one?
- Yeah.

Am I in any trouble?

- No.
- Well,
what's this meeting about?

This meeting is about a very
good idea that you had, herb.

- That I had?
- That's right.

Well, hell, let's
get on with it.

I'm not a guy who likes
to waste a lot of time.

Well, herbert, andy
here tells me that these

"Dear abby" talk-type shows
are really popular now.

Yeah, yeah. The advice show.

Oh, yes, indeed, big guy. These
things are sweeping the country.

Not 20 minutes
ago, I was talking to

Crazy chuck kaminski over
at big 3-k radio in st. Louis.

He told me that they
put on one of these

"Dear abby" sort of
things about a month ago.

They got 75 calls the first day,

200 In about a week,

Then they won their
2:00-3:00 p.m. Time slot.

I mean won it outright

Just like that for the
first time in 20 years.

- They didn't.
- They did.

They did. That's a miserable
time slot for us too.

I think we can take that hour
easily with a show like this.

I like it, and I want to do it.

Hold on just a second,
now. Wait a minute.

Something like that's got to
be cleared through me first.

But, big guy, this is...

Okay, it's cleared.

Good. Now, here's
what I want to do. If we...

- Come in.
- Mr. Carlson,

Why not a full one hour of news?

- Not now, les.
- Yes, sir.

Now, here's what I want to do.

I want to find someone like
a dear abby and ann landers.

This person does not have to
be a psychiatrist or anything.

Just someone with good,
old common sense, all right?

- My thinking exactly.
- Who have you got in mind?

- I don't know yet,
but I'm gonna find someone.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

Excusez-moi, travinski.

Look, that was my
idea. I should find him.

Oh, no, herb. Don't you
want this idea to work?

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, uh...

I think what andy's
trying to say, herb,

Is that if you get your
incompetent hands on this project,

You'll totally
destroy what would

Otherwise be a darn good idea.

Oh.

Is that true?

Nah.

Good.

Then I'll find the perfect host.

You're gonna love him.

And I'll have this show on
the air by the end of the week.

Herbert r. Tarlek
jr. Has spoken.

♪ Baby, if you've
ever wondered ♪

♪ Wondered whatever
became of me ♪

♪ I'm livin' on the
air in cincinnati ♪

♪ Cincinnati, wkrp ♪

♪ Got kind of tired of
packin' and unpackin' ♪

♪ Town to town, up
and down the dial ♪

♪ Maybe you and me
were never meant to be ♪

♪ Just maybe think
of me once in a while ♪

♪ I'm at wkrp in cincinnati ♪

And, uh, let's see.

I did a little
family counseling.

And, uh, I was employed
by the city for a while.

Now, that was real interesting.

What got you interested
in doing a show like this?

Herb did. We're cousins.

First or second cousins, herb?

Okay, fine.

And I used to be a dancer,

So I've always been
interested in show business.

And herb says I got

I got a real good
way with people.

Well... Y-you do.

The guy has all the
credentials. Look at this letter.

I haven't met the man,

But I've got a hunch
you're gonna love him.

- Mr. Van housen?
- Well, good morning, gentlemen.

I'm victor van housen.

Don't you see? I
should do the show.

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Well, I worked very
briefly in radio before,

And I had an advice
column for a time,

But I gave it up
to write my book,

You be you, and I'll be me.

Oh, you wrote a book?

Yes. And it did quite well too.

Gee, that's good.

Well, I must admit, you're
extremely well qualified,

- And you have
a very lovely voice.
- Thank you.

I say... Yes.

Me too.

Well, let's get going.

I'm not the kind of guy who likes
to waste time. Come on, come on.

Well, I'm gonna slip on home,

Slide into bed, and
sleep the day off.

Want to come?

If you change your
mind, give me a call.

Aren't you gonna stick
around for "ask arlene"?

I think I'm just gonna
check her out on the air

And see what I think, you know?

Sounds like you've
already made up your mind.

I'll tell you something,
jennifer: I am against

Anything that puts
a deejay out of work,

And this woman is taking
dean the dream's slot.

Dean was leaving anyway.

And to what? That is my point.

What is dean leaving to?

He's going to law school.

Oh.

That could come in handy. I
might need a lawyer someday.

Bye.

- Excuse me. Where is she?
- Who?

Arlene. She in there with
the big guy? What time is it?

No. 2:30.

Why don't you ever knock? Why?

I'm sorry, big guy,
but I can't find arlene,

And she's on the
air in a half hour.

Don't panic. I'll get
a hold of travis.

This is her first show. I thought I'd
pick her up and get her here in time.

Just calm down. Travis?
Get in my office immediately.

Ooh. This is mr. Carlson.

Don't suppose she
drove herself, do you?

I told her, "I'll pick you up at
2:00 on the dot." She said, "yeah."

- Oh, gee.
- What's that?

- Huh? What? Oh, that-that's nothing.
- Okay.

A man in my position, herb,
doesn't play with trains.

Yes, sir.

I'm not a child, I'm a hobbyist.

Yes, sir.

Come in.

Arlene is here.

- About time.
- Show her in.

Mr. Carlson, herb,
I'm terribly sorry.

No problemo, arlene.
Just a minor little mix-up.

I'm just very glad you're
here. Please sit down.

Thank you. Oh, is
that an electric train?

- Yes.
- No.

I mean, he's not
a child, he's a...

- What are you?
- I'm a hobbyist.

What? What? What is it?

Uh... Well... Uh, arlene's here.

What?

Well, I just thought
you'd like to know.

Oh. Well, arlene,
ready to go on?

Oh, yes. I've been
preparing all morning.

Good. Everything's
in the "go" mode.

Advertisements in
this morning's paper,

Air promos, intro tapes...

And it wasn't easy to
concentrate either.

- I got a call
this morning from eddie.
- Who?

Eddie. He and I were
separated this past christmas.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's all right
now. It's old business.

But still, it does
hurt sometimes.

You see, I thought this
was gonna be the marriage

That finally worked.

- Could I have
a glass of water?
- Surely.

So, uh, you were
married before, then, huh?

Oh, yes. Four times.

But I really don't
count the first one.

We were only
married for two days.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

I hardly knew him. I only did it

To get revenge on
barry, who had lied to me.

Just an aspirin.

We never had sex.

I... Beg your pardon?

In my first marriage.

Oh, well, good.

Oh, I am still very
careful about that.

I mean, you can hardly have a
relationship with a man today

That sex doesn't get in the way.

You know what I
mean, mr. Carlson?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, arlene, why don't you

Just relax, and in a second,
we'll go into the booth.

Thank you.

You know, eddie had severe
problems with my success.

He had all the usual male, uh...

Uh... What do you call it?

Attitudes?

The usual male
attitudes to a marriage.

Eddie would be in charge.
Eddie would dominate.

Eddie would make the decisions.

Even when he started doing
the dishes and making the bed,

I knew where he was
really coming from.

I mean, I knew
where he was at, man.

Oh, my goodness.

Maybe ed was attempting
to communicate.

Oh, don't give me that bull!

Sorry.

"Communicate"? Give me a break!

Mr. Carlson, what, uh...

What time you got there, sir?

It's just about airtime.

Oh, good. I hope
eddie's listening,

'Cause I think he's gonna know
when I'm really talking about him.

Arlene, I wouldn't
get too personal, now.

I'll be you, you be me.

- What?
- It's your book.

Oh, that piece of trash.

Are you coming?

Are you kidding?

And blow the whole
country, oil fields and all,

Right off the map.

But, of course, that's just
a personal observation.

This is les nessman
saying good day,

And may the good news be yours.

Arlene, you look
a little sleepy.

She just took an aspirin.
Come on, les, get up.

- Arlene, you sit
right down here.
- What kind of an aspirin?

I don't know. A big
pink and blue thing.

Arlene, are you all right?

- Of course I am.
- Of course she is.

- How many did she take.
- I only saw her take one.

Who's that?

I'm les nessman.

I read your book.
Didn't help me any.

All right, arlene, now, here are
the phones. You remember the phones?

- Of course I am.
- Good.

All right. Here we go.

♪♪ Man: void where prohibited.

Jingle singers: ♪ wkrp ♪

♪ Cincinnati ♪

Man: and now, it's
time for "ask arlene,"

A bold new venture in
cincinnati radio listening

Where you, the listener,
call in to ask arlene

Poignant personal questions
and receive in return

Poignant personal expert advice

From an expert...
Expert. Expert. Expert.

And now, - here's arlene!

Good afternoon, everyone.

This is arlene.

Welcome to my show,

And feel free to
ask me anything.

Our number here is 555-wkrp,

And I'd like to see
those phones light up

As soon as possible.

Jennifer, it was great.

You were absolutely wonderful!

Oh, thank you. Andy, could
I have a cup of coffee?

- You bet.
- I have never talked
so much in my whole life.

Oh, that advice you
gave, it was perfect!

- Just common sense.
- How do you know all that?

I don't know. I read...
Psychology today, field & stream.

- Here you go, star.
- Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey. I heard the
last 30 minutes of your show.

It was great. You were
wonderful! Wonderful!

- I'm so excited.
- How's arlene?

Oh, she's okay, fine. I took
her to emergency ward,

And it was nothing
but a case of nerves

And about three valium.

Eddie came and picked her up.

Will she be able to
be back tomorrow?

- Well, I really don't know.
- You'd better find out.

What for? We've got you.

Now, wait a minute.

- Jennifer?
- Yes, sir?

There's a pushy salesman
in the lobby to see me.

I was wondering if you
could, uh, make him go away.

- Yes, sir.
- Hold it. Wait.

Sir, didn't you listen
to "ask arlene"?

- No.
- Jennifer did the show.

- She was great!
- I did okay.

I'll handle the salesman.
What's he look like?

You.

Good.

Dracula meets frankenstein.

Venus, did you
listen to the show?

Did I hear? I'd recognize that sexy
voice anywhere. You were great, jennifer.

I listened to you for just 10
minutes, and already I've decided to

Go back to school,
lose 50 pounds,

And get a sex-change operation.

Just how personal did
these questions get?

- Oh, very personal,
mr. Carlson.
- Oh, no.

Oh, don't worry, mr. Carlson.

- I assure you I'll be
back at my desk tomorrow.
- Jennifer...

- I'm not going to do it.
- Why not?

Because it goes against
my basic philosophy

Of "do your job, but
don't do too much of it."

Look, it would be
much more exciting

Than being stuck
in the lobby all day.

I like it out there. We
hardly get any calls.

Mr. Carlson won't
accept visitors.

It's quiet. I can read,
study a foreign language,

Occasionally answer
a question or two.

See, that's it.

Everybody always
comes to you for advice.

So I say, share your wisdom
with the rest of the world.

- Oh, come on.
- Jennifer, do I ever
ask you for anything?

No, I don't.

Look, I just need you
to do this for a while,

Till herb can find
somebody else.

That shouldn't take too long, should
it, for herb to find somebody else?

Oh, no. Just a matter of days...

- Weeks.
- Days.

So come on. What do you say?

- Just this once?
- I say no.

Yes, you're on the air.

Man: arlene, what's
the meaning of life?

- The cereal or the magazine?
- Huh?

We could take out iraq too,

Then later apologize and say
it was a typographical error.

But, of course, that's just
a personal observation.

This is les nessman
saying good day,

And may the good news be yours.

And now stay tuned
for "ask arlene."

Man: what to do about foot odor?

How's the mad bomber today?

Good, thank you. Hi, jennifer.

Hi, les. Oh, thank you.

Ooh.

Jennifer, I was wondering if I could
ask your advice about something.

- All righty.
- Why don't you call her
like everybody else does?

- This is personal.
- What is it, les?

- Johnny?
- Yeah?

Cover your ears.

It has to do with
one coming to grips

With one's own nudity.

Les, perhaps we could
discuss this at a later date.

- You promise?
- Arlene promises.

Thank you. Thank you, john.

Sure, les. And good
luck with that problem.

Ah, I tell you, I feel so much
closer to you now, jennifer.

I mean, now that we're
colleagues, we're both

Broadcast personalities,
announcers.

- We ought to tour together.
- What would we tour?

Army bases. Little
overnight stays.

Wait a minute.
Something is wrong.

- What?
- Something is missing here.

- What?
- Sorry, arlene.

Running a little late today.

Jennifer: hello, this
is arlene. You're on.

Woman: arlene, I've got a problem,
but I don't want to use my real name.

- That's okay.
- So just call me joan.

Okay. Uh, what's
your problem, joan?

Who?

Well, you are joan, aren't you?

No, I'm not.

Anyway, arlene, what
do you do with a husband

Who's always running
around with other women?

Have your lawyer chat with him.

Oh. Okay.

Hi. This is arlene. You're on.

Arlene, this is betty.

I've been engaged to
a man three months,

And I just found out
he has a wooden leg.

Should I break it off?

Oh, I don't think so.

Hello, you're on.

Man: arlene, I don't
have a question for you.

I just want to say I
thank god for you.

Well, that's very nice,
but not necessary.

Hello, you're on.

Say, arlene, this is joe.
How does a guy get rid of

Really problem dandruff?

I wouldn't know, herb.

It's joe.

Well, joe, we have to
go to a commercial now.

Surely. I'd love to hear one.

Man: say, how does a guy get
rid of really problem dandruff?

Hello?

Hello, arlene.
This isn't joan again.

Oh, hi.

You told me to get a lawyer to
chat with my goombah husband

Who's been fooling around with
every other woman in cincinnati.

- I remember.
- Well,

I've taken your advice.

But I don't know how
to tell bob I'm leaving.

Of course, "bob" isn't
his real name either.

Well, joan, I'd tell him
as soon as possible.

I'd look him right straight
in the eyes and say,

"Bob, you're out. And
that's the way it is,

February 8th, 1981."

- Arlene, this is earl.
- Oh, hi, earl.

I just want to tell
you that my wife and I

Are getting along great
since I talked to you.

- Thank you.
- Well, good.

And she stopped
carrying the p*stol.

Oh, that's great, earl.

- Hello?
- Woman: arlene?

- Yes?
- Everybody in my office

Says I'm difficult to get along with
because I can never admit I'm wrong.

- What do you think?
- Maybe they're right.

What do you know?!

You said a couple of days.

It's been 64 of them. 64
Does not a couple make.

Yeah, but you're doing so well.

How long does it take
herb to find somebody?

- He's giving it
everything he's got.
- That's what I was afraid of.

Andy, I don't want to be the
advice lady for the rest of my life.

Look, how about just
for the next, uh, 10 years?

How about just for
the next 10 minutes?

- 10 Days.
- Five days.

- Deal.
- Two days.

- Five.
- Deal.

I don't know what you're worried
about. You're making new friends.

That's what I'm worried
about. Coming out.

♪♪

Hello, you're on.

Woman: I just want to say

That I don't make a
move without you.

Oh, please, don't do
that. Live your own life.

And remember, I'm not a
psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I'm just the advice lady.

Woman: arlene, do
you think I'm fat?

You look okay to me.

Arlene, this is arlene.

Oh, hello, arlene.
This is arlene.

Arlene, I just want
you to know that

Eddie and I are
back together again.

- Oh, that's great, arlene.
- Bye, arlene.

Bye, arlene. Hello,
this is arlene.

Woman: arlene, hello.

Uh, this isn't joan again.

Oh, hello.

Remember you told me to
tell bob I was leaving him?

I did?

Well, I told him.

Last night.

And?

He hit me.

I can't hear you.

He b*at me up, arlene.

And I don't know what to do.

Arlene?

Don't worry about it. Herb's
gonna find somebody today.

He's only been on
the case for 194 days.

Hello, wkrp.

Mr. Carlson? Oh, he's not in.

The guy's never in.

We probably should just
forget the whole thing.

I just wish jennifer
was back here.

Oh, I just don't like sharing
jennifer with other people.

Hello, wkrp.

Travis? Oh, he's not in.

Ah, the guy's never in.

It was all herb's idea.

No, it wasn't. It was mine.

Gentlemen...

Arlene has just resigned.
Johnny's filling in.

Wait a minute, jennifer.
You promised me...

With bailey's help,
I just got a caller

In touch with a center
for battered women.

Well, that-that's good.

Except she probably
wouldn't have gotten battered

Were it not for my cute,
flip, off-the-cuff advice.

Well, now, wait a
minute, jennifer.

You can't take responsibility
for something like that.

- Why not?
- Because we talked you
into this. I mean...

You don't understand, andy.

I kind of liked
it. I enjoyed it.

Do you think I would've done
that day after day if I hadn't?

Does that sound like me?

So, now I'm going to
take my little seat

Right out here in the lobby
and keep my big mouth shut.

Oh, no, jennifer. Don't do that.

Why not?

Because you can't
just shut yourself off.

Why not?

Because I need you.

I don't want people to need me.

Oh, yes, you do.

You want me to need you.

And I'll tell you
something else, young lady.

If you hadn't been on
that phone, that woman

Probably wouldn't have gotten the
help that she needed from you and bailey.

And do you really
think that a radio show

Has anything at all to do
with a man who batters women?

Would you gentlemen
please excuse me?

Because I think I'm
going to cry now,

And I don't want
anybody to see me do that.

Sure.

Yeah, of course.

Jennifer, would you
come in here, please?

- Mr. Carlson...
- Look, I need you.

What's wrong?

My train's broken.

No, no, no. Patricia,
you're wrong.

Well, I just don't know
what I'm gonna do about it.

Right, right. Wait a second.

Would you just
listen to me, please?

- All right.
- Okay.

'Cause you don't want
to look like a fool, right?

- No.
- Right? Okay.

So now listen very
carefully, because, uh,

I'm not always going to
be here to help you, okay?

You always want to start on
these things from the outside,

And that'll lead you
naturally, organically,

Into those inner areas,

And that's where all
the real action is, you dig?

Now, what's furthest out

Is the salad fork
and the soup spoon.

And then the teaspoon, okay?

- Which side?
- On the right.

The big fork is
on the inside left,

And the dessert
spoon is above, okay?

"Above"? Above what?

All right, pat,
pat, pat, patricia...

I'll tell you what...

Put the napkin over your head
and eat with your hands, okay?

We've got a lot of
calls. Let's move on here.