02x13 - God Talks to Johnny

[bunniefuu]

(Sighs)

Who's there?

What?

Who is it?

(Clock clatters)

(Groans)

What do you... Want?

You love me?

And you want me
to seek knowledge?

Is this god?

You-you want me to what?

What?

Um, terribly sorry,

But I didn't get the last part.

♪ Baby, if you've
ever wondered ♪

♪ Wondered whatever
became of me ♪

♪ I'm livin' on the
air in cincinnati ♪

♪ Cincinnati, wkrp ♪

♪ Got kind of tired of
packin' and unpackin' ♪

♪ Town to town, up
and down the dial ♪

♪ Maybe you and me
were never meant to be ♪

♪ Just maybe think
of me once in a while ♪

♪ I'm at wkrp in cincinnati ♪

(Syncopated
synthesizer music plays)

It's 8:45 in cincinnati.
That was one record.

Here's another one.

(Pop music plays)

Hey, doc.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Morning, morning, morning.

I was listening to you
coming to work this morning.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Very bright. Very, very up.

- Thank you.
- Are you taking narcotics?

No, man.

This is on the
natch. I feel fine.

Okay, 'cause if you're not
yourself, I could sit down and...

No, I'm myself. Who
else would I be?

Well, I guess you should know
better than anybody, right?

Yeah.

- Andy...
- Yeah?

Thank you for being you.

Okay, fever. What's going on?

Travis, uh, did you ever...

Hear a voice, and there's
nobody in the room?

Well, uh,

Yeah, sometimes I
hear a voice in my head.

It's my brain talking
to me, I guess.

What does your brain say?

Well, mostly I'll
be feeling great,

Having a good time,
enjoying myself, and it'll say,

"You're going to die."

Andy, forget all that stuff.

I mean, life here on earth is
just a warm-up for what's coming.

I tell you, we're just
playing penny-ante down here.

The big casino is up there.

You know, john, I think the
best thing for the both of us

Is if I just get right
on out of here.

Okay?

You have a good time
with your show, there.

- Thank you very much.
- All right.

- Have a good day.
- Yeah, you, uh... You too.

Oh, boy, more music.

Sacred music. B.b. King. Mm.

(Orchestral pop music plays)

Herb: john... Yes,
yes, lord, what is it?

New advertising copy.

- Hi, bailey.
- Hi, john.

- I just got off the air.
- Oh, good.

I wanted to ask you a question.

You bet.

Do you believe in
a supreme being?

Wow. Uh... I think so.

What's he like?

Well, first of all, she's black.

That was a joke. Uh, an
old joke, but a good one.

(Forced laughter)
beautifully told.

Uh...

Do you believe in god?

That depends on
what you mean by "god."

Come on, bailey. God.

I mean, everybody has
an idea of what god is.

Well, I guess I sort of

Agree with spinoza and einstein.

- Albert?
- Uh-huh?

They consider god
to be essentially

The sum total of the physical
laws which describe the universe.

Then of course there's
gandhi... Paramahansa yogananda.

They see man as god,
or the higher self

As the true or perfect self.

Once you locate this,
apparently you locate god.

Now, that brings us

- To christian existentialism...
- Bailey,

Do you think god
talks to people.

Well, I doubt it.

Well, he talks to
a friend of mine.

What do you think of that?

You?

Maybe.

Lunch!

Les, old buddy,
what's happening?

Internationally or domestically?

I don't know. Uh,
let's talk dirty.

Uh, bailey, would
you excuse us, please?

John, as much as I enjoy being
one of the boys, I really don't like...

Les...

- Do you believe in god?
- What?

Do you believe in god?

I thought we were
gonna talk dirty, john.

I just said that.

I know a rather
risqué hog story.

It'll really curl your
tail. Do you want to hear it?

- You see, there were
these three little pigs.
- Les...

- There was an irish pig...
- Les,

Just get a grip
on yourself, okay?

I'm sorry. What
was the question?

Do you believe in god?

I most certainly do,
john. Why do you ask?

- Do you think god
talks to people?
- Yes.

- You do?
- Sure.

- Do you think this happens
all the time?
- No.

It's rather rare. I mean,
god talked to noah

And he talked to moses
and he talked to mr. Finster,

But he doesn't just sit around
and chat with people a lot.

Mr. Finster?

He and my father owned
a laundromat together.

What happened?

God told mr. Finster to get
out of the laundromat business

And go to work for the city.

A-and you believed all that?

Sure. Why not?

Well, what would
you say if I told you

That god had been talking to me?

I'd say, "get out of my office."

Well, yeah, les... And get help.

- There's no real difference...
- Right now!

(Phone ringing)

Good morning. Wkrp
a.m., "Home of the hits,

Where your advertising
dollar talks louder."

I'm sorry. You have
the wrong number.

(Ringing)

Wkrp a.m., "Home of the hits,

Where your advertising
dollar talks louder."

I'm sorry. There
is no bubba here.

Quite all right. Thank you.

- Hi, jennifer.
- Hi, johnny.

- (Ringing)
- oh, not again.

- One of those days, huh?
- m*rder. One call
after another.

Wkrp, home of the advertising
hit dollars. What is it?

No, I'm sorry. Mr. Carlson
can't be disturbed.

He's reevaluating
his priorities.

Yes, thank you.

Uh, is the big guy
really busy in there?

- No, I think he's asleep.
- Oh.

Could I help you?

Uh... (Clears throat)

Mr. Carlson's
really religious, huh?

Well, he goes to
church every sunday

And teaches sunday
school, I know that.

- He does?
- Uh-huh.

That'd make him
some kind of expert.

Mr. Carlson?

- Yeah.
- On what?

On religion.

Oh.

You, uh... Know anything
about that stuff?

I know a little.

Name a chapter and a verse.

- Really?
- Really.

Um, genesis,
chapter 2, verse 25.

"And they were both naked,

"The man and his wife,

And were not ashamed."

Hi, mr. Carlson.

Knock, and I mean it!

Thanks. Come in.

Hi, mr. Carlson.

Hi, johnny.

Uh, word around the station is

That you're a pretty
religious person.

Yeah, I guess you
could say that.

Well, i... I...

Well, what do
you want, damn it?!

Maybe I'll come back
sometime when you're not here.

(Crunches)

- Look, johnny...
- Shh!

I'm sorry.

(Dog barking)

It was just a dog.

What are we here for, johnny?

You're here because
i... Invited you over.

You insisted we come over here.

How old is this club soda, man?

- I don't know.
- You got any wine or anything?

Listen, man, if I can stay
straight, you can, okay?

- For what?
- To listen.

- To listen to what?
- Man: hey!

- Listen! It's starting!
- Man: you're a bum!

You always were a bum!
You'll always be a bum!

That's not true!

Look at the way you're dressed!

Get a job before you
break your mother's heart!

- Did you hear that? Did you?
- That was next door, johnny.

Maybe so, but that's exactly
what my father said to me!

Sit down, man.

- Now, what is happening here?
- Nothing's happening.

"Nothing"?

Well, you got up, man.

Maybe I got some kind
of mental problem.

Now, what makes you say that?

I heard voices.

Actually, a voice.

It was like somebody

Right next to my ear, you know?

I looked around the room.

Nobody there.

Is that what we're here for?

Yeah. I want some witnesses.

How long do you expect
us to hang around here?

I don't know.

Damn. I didn't bring
my jammies or nothing.

'Trap, will you just
be quiet and listen?

All right.

(High voice) hi, johnny.
How's it going?

Listen...

Johnny...

All right, tell us
about the voice.

Well...

I'm not bragging or anything,

But I think it's...

A pretty highly-placed voice.

It, uh...

Wouldn't happen to be, uh...

God's voice, would it?

- Uh, I think so.
- Oh, man.

I know, I know. I'm
crazy, right? I'm nuts.

Not necessarily. Look,
johnny, what does the voice say?

You guys are hungry, right? I've
got a refrigerator full of food.

Why don't we have something to eat
and just forget all this for a while, huh?

How does that sound?
Huh? Who's first?

Look, john... No, no, i...

What did the voice say to you?

Well, uh, it
said... It loved me.

Well, that doesn't
sound so bad to me.

Yeah, that's the
nice part. Then it...

It said that it wants me to

Do... Something.

- Do what?
- Well, i...

I can't make it out. It's like,

"John, I love you,

And I want you
to..." (Gibberish)

It's muffled. It's
just... It's crazy.

Johnny, what do you
think that the voice said?

I don't know.

I mean, I have an
idea, but I don't know.

What do you think it is, man?

I think... That
the voice says...

"John, "I want you
to be a golf pro."

Let's go.

Hi. You got a dr. Fever here?

- "Dr. Fever"?
- Yeah.

What is that, a joke?

Look, it's late here.
We're all very tired.

You think you've got problems?
Let me tell you something.

We see it all here...

All the tragedy, all the panic,

Broken bodies, blood, pain...

- Johnny!
- Hi, mr. Carlson.

Uh, thanks for coming down.

Hey, it's 4:00 a.m.
In the morning.

- What are you doing down here?
- Uh...

I'll tell you all about
it later, but first,

Come over here, I want you
to meet some friends, okay?

- Just come over and sit down.
- Couldn't this wait
till morning?

Maybe not.

This is earl, who's been sh*t,

And, uh, this is inez.

She's having a
nervous breakdown.

Folks, mr. Carlson.

- Hi, mr. Carlson.
- Hi.

- Come down here, johnny.
- Be right back.

What's this all about?

Well, everybody
thinks I'm crazy.

I know that.

Because I talk to god.

- What?
- Yeah. I know. I am crazy.

I'm just gonna check
myself in at the eighth floor

Or wherever they keep all the loose
loonies, get into a little goon babble,

- Get some librium,
some valium...
- Just calm down.

"Calm down"? I'm a religious
fanatic, mr. Carlson.

- Shh, shh.
- I'm a religious fanatic.

I mean, I expected a lot of
weirdness in my life, but not this.

- Cool off.
- There's nothing left for me
but one of those tv shows...

Golfing for god, with the
reverend dr. Johnny fever.

Let's tee off with the
holy spirit today, shall we?

Shut up! Just listen to me!

Sit down!

Now, you talked with god?

- I think so.
- What did he say?

Well, he said that he loved me

And that he wanted
me to seek knowledge...

- Ah.
- And that he wanted me to...

Ah, it got muffled.
It's just crazy.

- Why is that crazy?
- "Why is that crazy"?

You think people talk to
god, god talks to people?

- Why not?
- Well, why me, then?

- Why not you?
- What do you say I try to book
a double room for us here?

I mean, you're...
(Indistinct mumbling)

Johnny, listen to me.

God talks to people all
the time, every day, all of us.

- He does?
- Sure.

Just look at all
the signs around.

All you've got to be
able to do is see them.

Look, I'm not talking
about signs, mr. Carlson.

I am talking about
a voice that says,

"Hi, john. How's it going?"

God said that?

Crazy, huh?

Well, no. It's just
I thought he'd be

A little more
formal, that's all.

Wait a minute. You mean,

You think that
god did speak to me?

It's possible, but I doubt it.

Why?

Well, you said things
goy, uh, muffled?

Yeah. Well, listen, buster,

If god had something he
wanted to say, you'd hear it.

Of course, you never
have gotten messages right.

Remember that memo
on the parking spaces?

The one about taking
office equipment?

Yeah, yeah.

You thought I wanted you to
take the office equipment home.

Okay. Okay. Look, mr. Carlson,

- Can we just center
on my crisis?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, johnny, I don't
want you to think

I'm forcing my
beliefs off on you,

But frankly, I think it's okay

If you hear a voice
that says it loves you.

I think it's okay to
hear a voice that says,

"Seek knowledge."

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I think if I were you,
I'd look on this thing

As a very special gift.

It doesn't happen to everyone.

It's special, johnny.

Yeah. I guess it is.

Here.

Thank you.

Now, if that voice
starts telling you that

It wants you to hang
around the airport naked,

Then perhaps you'd
better drop back by here.

- This voice would
never say that.
- Ah.

The voice that tells me to get
naked at the airport's my own.

Well, just so you
know the difference.

Now, can we get out of here?

- Do you think I'm sane?
- Of course you are.

- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah, uh, mr. Carlson?

Thank you.

Sure.

You know, there is one thing that
just gives me a problem, though.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

- I just can't go along with
the "golf pro" stuff.
- What?

Yeah. Look, uh...

- Forget the golf pro business,
okay? I'm not going for it.
- Shh, shh, shh!

- There was a lot
of other stuff.
- Be quiet!

I'm sorry.

Man: wkrp in cincinnati

Will be back after this.

I'm telling you,
jennifer, in paris, france,

All the guys have a
wife and a mistress,

And everybody knows
about it, and it's okay.

Do you think it's okay?

- Yeah, think it's okay.
- You do?

Sure.

Send a frenchman over
to my apartment tonight.

It's moses!

Heard any voices lately?

No, herb. No, I haven't.

Come on, now.
Tell us all about it,

John of arc.

Hey, god?

Uh, excuse me. Uh...

(Rock music plays)

(Man singing, indistinct)

(Meows)