03x25 - April 12, 1992

[bunniefuu]

[Man]
Five, four, three, two.

Oh, yes, the pancreatic
philosophy of your book...

has "syphilized"
the shaft...

and opened my "mucule" membranes...
you understand...

to a world... you dig...
a world, girl...

[Laughing]
Of nocturnal...

On a lockup.

[Laughing]

No, Kelly.

- [Man] Okay, one more.
- Use the chair!

So, what you're
saying then is...

[Man Over Speaker]
Kelly, once again.

- What the hell did I do?
- Oh, Kelly, I was laughing.

You look so funny!

Well, its not going
to be very funny...

if I have to jump on this...
[Bleeps] bed again!

[Laughing]
I'm sorry.

This is gonna be on
TV's Practical Jokes.

I tried out eight times...

then Miss Benita decided
she better go on and better herself.

So while these heifers were out there
making babies and selling pumpkin seeds...

Miss Benita was
in the boiler's room.

I was whipping me up some
pig feet and some corn bread, selling that...

and trying to come up with a funny line
to make this audience laugh.

[Man] Fasten your seat belts.
The bad boys of comedy are about to show you...

the funniest outtakes
and "bleepers"you've ever seen.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Good evening, everybody.
Welcome to our first ever...

bloopers show here,
In Living Color.

- A lot of times... Ah...
- [Laughing]

- Go on.
- Just keep going.

See, this is what it's all about.
This is to let you know...

that we do make mistakes,
and we have a lot of faux pas.

- Is that the right word?
- Say the "F" word. You wanna say it!

Faux pas. I said it.
We're going to give you a little taste...

of what goes on behind the scenes...
stuff you never get to see...

all of our
bloopers and blunders.

Our first category
we're gonna go to is giggles.

It gets really late around here sometimes,
people lose their concentration.

- Mm-hmm.
- Once you get bit with
the giggle bug, you can't stop.

- [Kelly] You gotta giggle.
- And the crew loves it!

- Yeah, the crew really loves it.
- They get to stay up real late!

Jim is our king of giggles. He's the guy
that gets everybody going around here.

Take a look.
You'll see for yourself.

It's allJim's fault.

Is it... hot enough?

[Chuckles]
Hot and creamy.

Just the way I like it.

Can I... have just
one more cup?

- [Man]Jimmy, let's go.
- That's hilarious.

Oh... [Bleeps] I'm sorry.
This will be great. This one.

Is it, uh,
hot enough for you?

Hot and creamy.

Just the way I like it.

The attachés will be
handing out printed copies...

of all the information
we didn't give you.

There will be
another "priefing" tomorrow...

and we will be prepared
not to answer any more questions.

Pizza!

The attachés will be handing out printed
copies of all the information we didn't give you.

And there will be another briefing
tomorrow, which, uh...

we will be able to, uh...

[Moans]

[Man, Indistinct]

Do it. Do it.
Quick! Quick! Quick!

I am not going to tell,
your feet smell...

if you ask me again,
you can go to hell.

That's an or...
[Laughing]

[Man]
That's it, Jimmy. That's it, man.

What we're about to see
now is a clip from "Detective Head."

And what's really funny about this,
is there is an actual human person...

inside of this
tuxedo body.

We all know he's stuck in there
probably sweating and suffocating.

And because of that, it becomes
the funniest thing ever to us...

that this guy's inside here
being tortured...

and we can't stop laughing.

Check it out.

This is Head's new robotic body.
[Chuckles]

- Inside is a man who's had to suffer.
- [Woman] Guys, we gotta stop.

You know what it is.
It's every time he gets over to Richard...

we know he's
in there sweating.

It's that! It's...

- There's just a lot of complex things going on.
- He's inside Head's body.

You just picture this
little guy inside, sweating.

It's just... This is
the t*rture sketch.

Damon's in here,
he's in there.

[Keenen's Voice]
You ever see an actor get spit on and wonder...

"Oh, God. How does he
stand there and take it?"

Well, it ain't easy.

[Man Over Speaker]
Keenen, just give me that first line, too...

before he spits at you,
to make sure I have that in the clear.

"A t last we meet
face-to-face. "

- Oh, not with all this in his mouth, Paul.
- He ain't gonna spit until later.

I know, but it's going
to be real spit.

- Come on, K-man.
- [Man] Five, four, three.

- Don't... Don't spit on me.
- [Man] False start.

- Here we go.
- Wait, swallow, get some fresh stuff.

- [Paul] Go ahead. Swallow it.
- Come on. My arms are fallin' off.

Now, say that you will
be my bride...

and together we will
rule the Erudites!

[Keenen] Now here's a sketch
we're doing about sensitive men.

And Jim decides to go off-script
and share his true feelings with Tommy.

I mean, I don't feel attractive anymore.
That's how I feel.

I think you're
very attractive, man.

And your butt...
it's nice, man.

And you know, man,
your skin is so smooth.

I'd like to lick...
[Bleeps] right now.

Got to find Harriet...
[Coughs] Harriet Tubman.

- Yes, sir.
- Look like Cicely Tyson.

I thought you said
Jane Pittman looked like her.

Looks like all of them.

All right.
L-Let's start again.

All right, people,
you've had your fun.

It's time to go back to
the Sunny Side Hills Retirement Community.

Your families have been
very worried about you.

Well, we're
not going, mister.

Pardon me, miss. We're not going
until we get our trip to bountiful.

Mister?

Perhaps you didn't get
ahold of these, buddy.

Hi, I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.

We poke a lot of fun at a lot
of things on In Living... [Laughs]

[Kim] Oh, that's what
makes it derisive.

Hi, I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
We poke fun... a lot... [Bleeps] damn!

[Bleeps]

[Damon] We're supposed to have fun,
all the time. The show's brother poked fun.

Shh, shh. Okay.
Let's do it. Let's do it.

Hi, I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans. We poke fun
at a lot of things on In Living Color.

But we know in the real world,
there's nothing funny about ignorance.

That's why we're
asking you to join us...

All right. Enough of the fun, children.
It's time for a reading lesson.

- Okay!
- Okay!

- We'll start with the letter "A."
- [Cheering]

[Boy]
Hey, Homey, that's the "D."

That's right!

S... [Bleeps]

[Keenen's Voice] What can I say?
Damon loves to keep the censors on their toes.

Let's just keep going.
We can't get away with that?

[Keenen's Voice] It's always fun
to watch Damon and Jim together...

because they're constantly
trying to out-gross each other.

Watch what Damon does
with this picklejuice.

- And when he d*ed?
- All he left was this.

- That's disgusting.
- Actually, it's not. It's pretty sanitary.

Hey.!
Oh, don't.!

That's pretty good.

[Keenen's Voice] Now it's Jim's turn.
Keep your eye on the pickle.

You mind if I eat this?

Go ahead. I think everybody
would love that.

Let me get a bite of that.

Well, I'm not going
to eat it now.

Mmm.

Anyway,
thanks a lot, man. I really...

Are you all right?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Oh, God. Oh.
- It's all right.

- You okay, man?
- I think.

I don't know
what that was.

A performer's
worst nightmare sometime...

is either a special effect
or having to deal with a prop.

A lot of times, those things don't work,
and you're stuck looking like an idiot.

What are you
trying to say, man?

Jim knows a lot
about that too. Check it out.

You think you're Tom Cruise
from Days of Thunder.

You jump right in...

turn on the ignition,
put your pedal to the metal...

and hold on, Barbie!

[Keenen's Voice] Now, this wall
is supposed to break away.

Now here, the wall did break away,
and so did everything else.

[Laughs]

What are you talking about?

Sorry, man.

[Man]
Three, two, one. Action.!

Barkeep,
I'll have the usual.

[Groans]

I got it.

All right?

Oh, my, is that a g*n in your pocket
or are you Pee-wee Herman?

[Man] No, no.!
How frightening.!

Oh, how terrifying.!

- [Man # ] Okay, Vicki. Let's reset it.
- Oh, my God.!

W.C. Fields said children and animals
are the worst to work with.

He was right.
Here's a scene from, um... What was it?

- Lassie ' ?
- Yeah.

Jim, Kelly
and a pit bull.

[Straining]

Okay, Lassie, this time
I want you to get...

a variable-speed
mechanic bath...

[Keenen's Voice]
Now that's a vicious pit bull.

Lassie was supposed to
bring the dummy over toJim...

but I guess she decided
to keep it for herself.

Good girl, Lassie.

[Breathing Heavily]

A lot of times, me being
the, um, executive producer around here...

- I get... get a little bored,
- [Coughs]

Cast starts to tick me off a little bit,
and I have my own little paybacks.

One of the most annoying cast members
around here is, uh, David Allen Grier...

and, uh,
my payback to David was...

He was really enthusiastic
about doing a sketch once.

- [Kelly] ♪ Broadway ♪
- And when he told it to me,
I knew it was going to die.

I knew it
was going to b*mb. But...

I decided to let David
go out and do this...

and in the middle of it...
[Laughs]

We let a few birds
walk across the stage.

- Here's David Allen Grier
doing his tribute to Broadway.
- To Broadway.

Thanks, brother.

♪ Broadway ♪

♪ Broadway ♪

♪ Broadway-ay-ay-ay ♪

♪ Oops, look out
for that taxicab ♪

♪ Ow, I just got stabbed
on Broadway ♪

♪ On Broadway ♪

♪ On Broad... ♪

Chickee!

Chickee!

Ch-Chickee.

♪ On Broadway ♪♪

Well, one cast member
here in particular...

for some reason, always winds up
being the, uh, victim of abuse.

And, Mom,
you know who that is.

"Baby, why they always
got to b*at on you?

I don't never see 'em
put his little brother out there like that."

Just coincidence,
that's all.

Yeah, times in a row.
Coincidence?

Well, here's a sample from a couple
of homeys, Damon and Tommy.

But, Homey,
well, what's dignity?

Here, let me show you.

[No Audible Dialogue]

- See how you feel right now?
- Yeah.

Well, dignity is
the opposite of that.

Now once upon a time,
two lonely hearts came together.

- [Girl] Woo, woo.!
- Just like this.

[Children]
Ooh.!

Then love poured
all out from their hearts...

- nice and thick like.
- Oh.!

Until...
[Laughs]

Homey realized...

Until Homey realized
that it was just a trick...

to whiten him up,
like so.

And it made his heart b*at
over and over and over again.

- The end.
- Homey, Homey, Homey.

I don't get it.
What's the moral to the story?

- [Girl] Yeah.!
- Well, the moral of that story is...

don't sit by and be
nobody's jackass.

So what is our little lesson...
[Laughs]

[Keenen's Voice]
Uh-oh. Damon's laughing.

That means we're going to have
to do this all over again.

Watch Tommy.

Hey, Paul. Paul, if you say...
[Bleeps] damn it.

If you say...
Paul...

Tommy's trying to say
[Bleeps] damn it.

Paul, man.

- What?
- Do I have to do it over again?

Just a...
[Bleeps]

I'm not the only one who, uh,
likes to pull a prank or two.

A lot of times, the cast
like to surprise each other.

One example was, uh, "Ugly Girl."
Jamie, tell 'em what you did.

Yeah, we were doing
the second take of"Ugly Girl,"

and Tommy
was backstage.

He was like,
"Yo, man, all right.

"When you grab my underwear,
just pull on them just a little bit, you know...

just to make them think you're going
to pull my underwear down."

But somewhere during the sketch...

I just guess it got
a little bit out of hand, so...

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, this is definitely heaven.
- Oh!

- This is definitely heaven.
- Then just call me the messiah.

- Let me turn around and see my angel.
- No, no, no. Hold on.

Hold on just a minute.
You got me so excited. Just hold on.

You'll see your angel
as soon as you get to heaven.

Mm, mm, mm, mmm.
Well, look here, girl.

I'll tell you what.
How 'bout I call you tonight?

- Okay, then.
- 'Cause I know a nice place
where we can get dinner.

- All right.
- And wine.

Uh-huh!

And the whole nine.

Aaah!

What's wrong?

- Jamie, stop it, man.
- What's wrong with you?

See, you just
got to relax.

Relax yourself.
Relax yourself.

And see, after you done said all that,
now I think I'm ready to go.

I think I'm ready to go too, girl.
Let me see my angel.

Flip on over. Come on.
Get some of this. Come on.

Aaah!

What's wrong with you?

Come on.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Don't even think about it.

- I thought you said
you looked like Marilyn Monroe!
- I do look like Marilyn Monroe.

You look like
Marilyn the ho!

Why you tripping?

All right,
thanks for watching.

All right,
thanks for watching.

We hope you enjoyed laughing
with us laugh at ourself.

We'll see you next week
right here. Peace.

[Man Over P.A.] We know you're in there.
Come out with your hands up.

They found me! They must
have been following you.

They knew I'd make contact
with you sooner or later.

- You gotta get outta here, Wes!
- What the... [Bleeps] are you doin'?

There's nothing
on the screen.

Well, Jim, their radar ray
has jammed our frequency.

I think Spock has been
hit by a Laughing Noid.

You know, we don't have
too many carnivals here in the projects.

'Cause when we... if we have to
get them metal detectors.

And we got to start from the beginning
because Miss Benita done messed up the joke.

Um, all right.
Here's , , .

Okay, we can do
the best we can do.

He'll be a lot shorter,
and a little faster.

I mean...

Don't try to lie, all right?
It's all here in black and white.

I see, Johnnie.
w*r really has changed you.

And not for the better.

You're battier than a belfry
full of bats on a buttered roll.

Thanks for coming.
See us next week here!

Hi, Grandma!