03x11 - December 8, 1991

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [Piano]

[Man]
Now available for the first time...

the quintessential man of the cloth,
Jimmy Swaggart...

sings like you've
never heard him before.

[Excessive Vibrato]
♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a filthy wretch ♪

♪ Like me ♪

♪ I once was lost ♪

- ♪ But now I'm found ♪
- [Sobbing] Now I'm found.

♪ Was blind, but now I see ♪♪

LetJimmy and the Angels of Mercy Singers
touch your heart with gospel classics.

♪ Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me ♪

♪ Yes, Jesus loves me ♪

♪ The voices told me so ♪♪

- Or letJimmy touch you a little lower...
- ♪♪ [Funk]

When he sings
some ofhis nasty favorites...

like Live Crew.

- [Women] Oh!
- ♪ Me so horny ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Me so horny ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Me so horny ♪

♪ We love you long time ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Me so horny ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Me so horny ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Me so horny ♪

♪ We love you long time ♪♪

[Announcer]
That's Jimmy Swaggart's Heaven or Hell...

only . , . for CD.

Order now.

- ♪ You're down with O.P.P. ♪
- ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

- ♪ Are you down with O.P.P. ♪
- ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

- ♪ Are you down with O.P.P., yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

- ♪ I'm an old perverted preacher ♪
- ♪ Every last lady ♪

- Watch me.
- ♪ Can you show me ♪♪

[Announcer]
WriteJimmy Swaggart, Heaven or Hell...

Box - , Tulsa.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Let's take a trip
and sip on a dream ♪

♪ Glide with the guide
on a funky scene ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

So, as you can see, Your Honor,
my clients are completely innocent.

It's an open-and-shut case.

Before the jury deliberates,
are there any further witnesses?

Yes, Your Honor. There is one more witness
we'd like to call to the stand.

Miss Benita Butrell.

Hey! How y'all doin'?

Y'all ain't got nothin' to worry about...

because Miss Benita is not in the habit
of airin' nobody's dirty laundry.

Unless, of course,
it's the bailiff s laundry.

Mm-hmm. Talk about dirty.

He got stains in his drawers
big enough to land a plane on.

Would Miss Butrell just take the stand?

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

I'd eat cold cut sandwiches
made out of my own tongue...

before I'd sit up here and tell a lie.

Oh, looky there!

There goes Gretchen.!
Hey, girl.! How you doin'?

You're looking good!
Oh, girl, I'm scared of you!

You ought to be scared, too,
with a convicted felon serving on the jury.

I can tell she hittin'
that crack pipe again too.

Done got so skinny, look like she
could hang glide on a Dorito.

Uh, Bailiff, get me a jury alternate.

Now, Miss Butrell...

on the night of the th, the cash box
from the project raffle was broken into...

and over $ , was stolen.

Where were you on that night?

I was up on the rooftop
sellin' pumpkin seeds and tampons.

Tryin' to better myself, honey, because
unlike these other project bunnies...

Miss Benita's gonna have something.
Mm-hmm. That's right.

That's why I'm enrolled in the Howell School
of Zippo Recycling and Sewage Removal.

That's enough!

Miss Butrell, do you see
the defendant in this courtroom?

- Mm-hmm.
- Would you mind pointing him out to us, please?

There you go.
Right there... Suede.

Hey, Suede.! How you doin'?

Yeah, they chose Suede over me
to be the raffle treasurer.

It's a good thing, too, because you ain't
gonna find nobody better with numbers.

[Chuckling]

Especially when he's runnin' 'em.
Mm-hmm.

That damn jackass
lost his parents in a crap game.

Don't get too close to that sneaky weasel
'cause he'll steal the enamel off your tooth.

I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard it from me.

Wasn't there someone guarding
the cash box that night?

Mm-hmm! Leo!

Le-le-le, le-le-le, le-le-le... Leo!

[Laughing]

I'm so proud of you!

You guarded that cash box
like a virgin on prom night!

Then gave it up like a ho
at a bachelor's party.

Objection! Objection, Your Honor.

Can't she just answer the question?
This is getting ugly.

Ooh, he's one to talk.
Talk about ugly.

Look like somebody hit him upside
the head with a bag of nickels.

So ugly, last time he went
to the proctologist...

the doctor stuck his finger
down his throat.

Order in this court!

Do you have reason to believe there was
involvement from the chairman of the committee...

Miss Jenkins?

Bailiff, some smelling salts, please!

No, no, no! Not Miss Jenkins!
Not Miss Jenkins!

Honey, don't nobody better say
nothin' bad about Miss Jenkins!

I'm gonna walk through hell
in a gasoline G-string...

before I say somethin' bad
about Miss Jenkins!

Lord, she's like a mother to me.
Afine woman.

Fine woman.!
There's nothin'dirty about her.!

Just don't go near her house.

House so dusty, the roaches
ride around in dune buggies.

That is enough.!
Don't make me pound this gavel again.!

Hmm, that ain't all she poundin'.

I object!

You didn't object when she took off her robe,
went through your briefs...

and laid down the law.

I find you in contempt of court.!

Uh-huh. And I found you doin' the humpty
dance with men in the bathroom.

Get her out of here!
This is a mistrial!

Lock the door!
Get a straitjacket!

[All Arguing, Indistinct]

♪♪ [Hip-hop: Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Exaggerated British Accent]
I know I'm supposed to cut an album.

You don't think I know that?
I've been writing songs.

I write songs a night.

But when I sober up,
they sound like nonsense.

Words on a page!

- I need inspiration, man.
- ♪♪ [Guitar]

I need someone who can really
teach me the blues.

Bingo! I think I just found
what I've been looking for.

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha ♪

Thank you very much.!

All right.
It sure is good to be here.

- Am I glad I found you.
- Well, my name is Calhoun Tubbs.

- Now, ain't you th-th-the boy from...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Listen. Look, I really need your help, okay?
- Uh-huh.

I gotta cut a blues album
with all kinds of blues songs...

and I don't know anything
about the blues!

N-N-N-N-N-Now, that ain't true, boy, 'cause
everybody knows something about the blues.

Not me.
Look, I got money, women.

- Where's the blues in all that?
- Uh-huh.

- But you... you're the real deal.
- Well, thank you.

I bet you came from one of them
backwood shacks back in Mississippi.

Now, actually, I'm from Baltimore.
Mm-hmm.

I ain't never been out in no woods...

Well, I did go to the wood one time,
but we were just camping.

- So I don't really know.
- Get off it.

- I really...
- I got money. I can pay you
for your life experiences.

Well, now, I did say I was from
Baltimore, Mississippi. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ I could've been a dirt poor
farmer in Mississippi, hey ♪

♪ But I couldn't even afford the dirt ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha ♪♪
Thank you very much! All right.

- That's great, man!
- Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

That is great.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.

I need more of that.

I'll bet you were a junkie of some kind,
and then you O.D.'d...

and you puked right out,
and then you choked on it.

- Well, no. No.
- On your own vomit.

I ain't never t-took no pills.

Only pill I done took was a Bufferin, man.
I don't do...

Get off it.

I know all about the dr*gs.
I'm high right now. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it goes.

♪ I done shot so much dr*gs
in the ' s ♪

♪ I can still get high off the residue ♪

- ♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha ♪♪
Thank you very much!
- Man!

- All right.
- You are blowing my mind, man!

- Well, thank you. All right, now.
- Oh, yes.

You tapped into a great life, stuff...
that whole blues thing.

But I can't.
I can't tap into it!

Now, sure, you can, boy. Everybody
got some blues in them somewhere.

You just got to know where to look.
Mm-hmm.

- Where?
- Try your face, junior.

Mm-hmm. Look here. That's enough
to give me the blues right now.

I ain't write no song about that,
but I think I could right now.

Like to hear it? Here it goes.

♪ Lord, you so damn ugly ♪

♪ I don't know if that's your face
or if your neck threw up ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha ♪♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoa.
You all right? You all right?

Thank you very much!
All right. Yeah.

Well, that's good, man.
That's really good.

But it doesn't make me feel blue.

- I could have reconstructive surgery.
- Uh-huh.

I've got a beautiful girlfriend
who loves me.

Oh, wait, no. You got to stop right there.
Put the brakes on it.

You talking about the girl I seen you
with last night on the news?

No, man. I'm here to tell you, boy,
that girl don't love you.

- What?
- Oh, no. Uh-uh. Mm-mmm.
Wrote a song about it.

Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ Now, your girlfriend say
she love you ♪

♪ But I guess the four hours she done spent
in the men's room with Axl Rose last night ♪

♪ Is the way that she likes to show it ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha ♪♪
Thank you very much! All right.

Yeah, man, I done seen that
with my own eyes, man.

Butt naked. Mm-hmm.
Sure enough.

I don't believe it. That bitch!

How could...
How could she do that to me?

Now, you see? Now you got the blues, man.
Come on. Write a song about it!

Come on! Here we go.

- There you go. Uh-huh.
- All right.

- Like to hear it?
- Here we go.

Here it goes!

♪ I got a smash hit, a million records ♪

♪ That slut ain't gonna get a penny ♪

- [Falsetto] ♪ Yaaah ♪
- ♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha ♪♪

Bring it on.
Don't get none on you though, man.

There you go.
Come on, man. Oh, yeah.

Now you startin' to scare me.

Come on back, now.
Come on back.

♪ She may think she gave me
a case of jealousy ♪

♪ But what she really gonna need
is a case of penicillin ♪

♪ Yaah, yaah, yaah, yaah, yaah
yaah, yaah ♪

♪ Yaah ♪♪
[High-pitched Scream]

You through?

I think I broke a blood vessel.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- Thanks a lot, man.
- You all right? Oh, yeah, well... Gotta go?

- You're really great.
- Look here, you forgot your...

Yeah!

♪ While he got the blues ♪

♪ I got all the money ♪♪

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Wind Whistling]

This is the night Charles Pack
becomes a star reporter.

I am about to spend
a long, cold winter's night...

with an actual street person.

Okay. Come down to their level.
Take the tie off.

Lose the tie. Okay.

- Anybody home?
- [Man] Shh-no.!

- Hello?
- Who is it?

Uh, Charles Pack, uh, Herald.

Go away.! I gave at the office.

Uh, if you let me in,
I'll give you bucks.

Su casa es mi casa.

Come on in. Why don't you wipe
your feet on the mat?

Where's the mat?

Hey, thanks, Matt.

You're welcome.

- Oh, uh, here's your $ .
- I was about to say, "Where's the money?"

- [Chuckles]
- My name is Charles.

- Your name's Charles.
- Yeah. And what is your name, sir?

[Screaming]

- Testing: One, two. Aah!
- Uh...

My name is Anton Jackson,
formerly of theJackson .

I'm JoeJackson's secret love child.

Watch this. Hold that.

Ho! Ho!

This is incredible stuff.

Uh, Mr. Jackson, I'm doing
an exposé on the streets.

Oh, an exposé. Well, I happened
to exposéd myself on several streets.

No, no. See, I'd like to spend
the night with you.

You're awfully forward there, sir.

You don't beat around the bush,
do you?

Is Clarence spreading
those rumors about me?

He's a liar.
He's a liar with cold feet.

- No, no, no. You don't understand.
- Aaah!

I'm doing a cover story, and, see, what
my readers would like to know is, like...

how do you make it out here on the streets,
how do you do this whole thing?

- Oh, how I survive.
- Yeah.

Well, actually it's not that bad
until it rains.

Then we got that problem.
But this is pretty comfortable.

See all this Early American furniture
I got around here?

This is Early American?

If you don't get there early,
the garbage man will take it away.

But how do you make it
without modern appliances?

Ah, that's no problem. See, I can make a call.
Watch, I'm gonna make a call.

I can't believe this.
This man has hooked up a telephone.

- This is incredible.
- Hey, Joe!

Where are you?

- I'm on the other line. I'll call you back.
- All right.

Okay, but what about when you want to unwind?
Some of this human stuff?

Well, that's simple. I just watch
my entertainment system over here.

I sit in front, and from here I can see...

When I get up in the morning
I watch Good Morning, Skid Row.

And then later on,
when the mission lets out...

it turns into Cops...

and about midnight
we see the adult channel.

Plus I got cable.
You want to see the cable?

HolyJe... Did you see that guy
get sucker punched?

Oh, that's pay-per-view.

You'll have to cough up a couple
more dollars if you want to see that.

Okay. Uh, listen.

Do you ever yearn for
the luxuries of life?

Well, I got everything
a man needs to survive.

Let me show you something over here
in the west wing of the estate.

This here's my two-cart garage.

[Imitating Car Alarm Chirping]

This is great stuff.

Why don't you join me for dinner?

I was just about to sit down
and have some dinner.

Okay. What are you having?

I'm-a have takeout.
What do you want... Italian or Chinese?

[Chuckling]
Uh, Chinese is fine.

This is unbelievable, folks.

This man, who has nothing,
is offering me take-out food.

- Okay.
- Oh, God.!

That's Chinese.

If you want some more,
you take it out of the garbage yourself.

- You want Panda?
- No, that's... Yeah, I ate.

It's like National Geographic,
ladies and gentlemen.

Why don't you make yourself... Come here.
Let me make you up the guest bed.

You see this? Here's the sheet.

You can use that as a blanket.

And here, I was gonna use this
as toilet paper...

but you can use it as a pillow.

That's very thoughtful. So I just, uh...
I sleep on the floor right here.

Yeah, you just lay on down. I'm gonna
do the same. You just do what I do.

Oh.

Damn, this toenail harder than a Ginsu.

- Lying here...
- [Groaning]

Lying here in a pit of despair...

I can almost smell the stench
of the loneliness, the poverty...

the putrid aroma of lost dreams...

and lost souls.

[Grunts]

The, uh... I think I'm starting...

It makes me nauseous.

It's slightly overwhelming.

Brings tears to my eyes.

Having trouble focusing.

[Gasps]
The thought of spending...

I'm not looking forward to this,
ladies and gentlemen. I'm really not.

But I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna hang in, and I'm gonna make it.

[Gagging]
Oh, God!

I'm sorry. Oh, God. Oh, God.

You can't sleep.

I'm gonna have to use the bathroom.
Where's the bathroom?

Oh, here it is right here.

[Loud Gagging]

Hey!

Hey, my man.!
What about the story?

♪ Livin'just enough ♪

♪Just enough for the city ♪

♪Just enough ♪

♪ Livin' for the city ♪♪

Hey, we want to thank you all
for hanging out with us tonight.

- We had a good time. Tommy.
- Stop, boy.

- Say good night.
- See you next week.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]