03x05 - October 20, 1991

[bunniefuu]

[Man] Clarence Thomas,
you werejust elected...

the newestjustice
of the Supreme Court.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm going to Girlie World.
[Chuckles]

Who put this hair in my cola?

[No Audible Dialogue]

Come on!

[Man] Girlie World.
Where dreams come true.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Nobody could hit like Willie Mays.

Anybody who don't agree
should be shot and spit on.

Hey, no argument from me on that one.

- Hey, baby!
- Whoa!

- Will you look at that?
- Whoo-hoo!

Oh, there oughta be a law.

Looks like she's got Gary Coleman
and Webster up under there.

[Both Laugh]

Uh-oh. Hide the jewels,
look who's comin'.

- If it ain't a couple of pretty boys.
- Hey, sissies.

- Pantywaists.
- Pop-Tarts.

Yeah, they probably hang out where all of those
twinkies do, down there on York Street.

Probably drink in that sissy bar
on the corner ofThird and York.

- What do they call that place?
- The Blue Parrot.

Right. The Blue Parrot.
[Laughs] Apple turnovers.

Yeah, I bet they're
in there every night.

Sucking down one of them
special drinks they make in that place.

- What do they call 'em?
- Slow Bun Fizz.

- Right. The Slow Bun Fizz.
- Slow Bun Fizz, yeah.

- Cinnamon swirls.
- Cream puffs.

Probably can't wait to get to that big jukebox
they got in the corner there...

- and play Bette Midler songs.
- Or-Or, "It's Raining Men."

- [Both Laughing]
- That's G- .

- G- .
- Oh, yeah. G- .

Then they all head back into that
secret room they got back there.

Oh, yeah, but you can't get in
unless you know the password.

[Together]
Pop goes the weasel.

[Laughing]

- Peanut butter cups.
- Peach cobblers.

And you know they're gonna hit on
Todd the bartender.

- Who?
- Todd. You know, Todd?

The guy who teases you
with those piercing blue eyes...

his pouting, soft lips.

Yeah, with that Tom Selleck mustache
that just melts ya dead in your tracks.

[Sighs]

- Weed whackers!
- Cheese doodles!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Who in the hell you guys yelling at?

Aw, a couple of
show tune lovers walked by.

Oh, yeah, like those fruitcakes that
hang out at the Blue Parrot.

- Yeah, you know the place?
- Yeah, sure. My roommate Todd works there.

[All Talking At Once]

[Nervous Chuckle]
Yeah, um, I'm sorry about eating here...

but, I mean, if we're going to that hotel
later on, this is all I can afford.

Oh, Bobby, it doesn't matter where we eat,
as long as we're together.

- Nothing could ruin this night.
- Prince got a hairy booty.

Yo-ho-ho.
Welcome to Snack 'N Shack.

Tonight's our new pirate theme.
Don't you two look nice.

- Pork fried rice. Pick it up.
- Is that a real parrot?

Oh, no, baby. I used to have
a real one up there...

but it kept pecking at
the bugs in my hair.

Chocolate éclair. Pick it up.

- Uh, maybe we should just
go to the hotel now.
- No. No.

- We've already waited so long.
Let's have a romantic dinner.
- You're right.

Ahoy, mateys. Make way for
Long John Minimum Wage.

Somehow it's always
my turn to swab the deck.

Ain't got no more Wheat Chex. Don't mean no
disrespect. What the heck, got chicken necks.

- Pick it up.
- Since Mama's babies look
so much like my grandchildren...

I'm gonna give you some of
Luther's free clam chowder.

Thanks, but,
do you have a catch of the day?

Oh, no. We don't have a catch of the day.

But last week, two customers
caught hepatitis.

My left titty nipple got an eye on it.

- I can feel those magic fingers now. Let's go.
- Oh, Bobby.

Y'all better sit on back down.
Mama's gonna spank you.

Sit down. I'll pull
your pants and spank you.

Now, what's Mama's
little swashbucklers gonna have?

Uh, well, let's try
some oysters on the half shell.

- Oysters on the half shell.
- Oysters on the half shell.

Whose feet smell? Kick 'em out.

- Why don't y'all try the special, the lobster?
- Lobster sounds nice.

Oh, it is nice, baby.
We even let you pick it out yourself.

- Don't we, Frances?
- Aye, matey.

But don't take the one on my big toe.
He's still working on my bunion.

Liver and onions. Pick it up.

Damn, lady. I'd rather eat
a two-day-old, moldy taco than eat that.

Oh, bless your heart, baby.
How come you didn't just say so?

- Aw, man.
- There you go. You want
some hot sauce on that?

- Oh, my God.
- Cod. Pick it up.

What's this in the chowder?
[Gasps]

[Gagging]

Ooh, good googa-mooga. Look like
you done found the pirate's treasure.

- Frances.
- Lucky day. That's Luther's glass eye.

We ain't got no more peach pie.
Hey, what the hell?

Let's go. I am ready to get out of here.
Let's go to the hotel now.

I can't. I gotta go home and throw up.

- All right. It's your loss.
- Two all-beef patties, special sauce.

I don't know why, but suddenly
I'm hungry for McDonald's.

Great, you have it your way, then later
I'll have it mine.

I got a boil look just like Elvis.

Who said I can't move my pelvis?

Excuse me, what are your specials?

Today's specials are, uh, meat loaf
with mash potatoes and brown gravy.

- Whitefish with tater tots and navy bean soup.
- Thanks.

- No problem, hon.
- Hey, you have any ketchup?

- Absolutely.
- How do I get to the bathroom?

Here's what you wanna do. You go down the hall,
past the telephone booth on your right...

- it's on your left-hand side, you can't miss it.
- Thanks.

Lizzy, I need a -letter Latin phrase
for "I came, I saw, I conquered."

Huh. Try "Veni, Vidi, Vici."
That oughta work.

Excuse me. What's the proper penance
for stealing?

- That's two "Our Fathers" and a "Hail Mary."
- [Chuckles]

Hey, Lizzy, here's one.

This man, along with Michael "Wonder Mike"
Wright and Guy "Master Gee" O'Brien...

made up the original Sugarhill g*ng.

Oh. Who is Henry "Big Bang Hank"Jackson?

- She's right again.
- This is impossible.

Aw, give me that. There you go, hon.

- Did you see that?
- Lizzy, this physics is driving me crazy.

Do you know what
the conservation of energy law is?

What, do I look like a rocket scientist?

- I just figured, you know...
- No, I'm just kidding.

Try one half mass times velocity squared
equals mass times gravity times height.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

As much wood as a woodchuck could
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

- Huh.
- When is a horse not a horse?

- When he's the famous Mr. Ed.
- Hey, can you do the Running Man?

- Absolutely.
- [All] Go, Lizzy. Go, Lizzy.

- Go Lizzy. Whoo.!
- [Laughs]

All right. I'm thinking of a number
between one and , .

- Hey, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?
- [Speaking In Japanese]

I got ya. Okay, I think that's .
Why, yes, they are.

And, uh...
[Continues In Japanese]

All right, everybody. Freeze!

I want you to take all your money,
put in on the table...

or I'm gonna bust a cap in this
old, white heifer's behind.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're not gonna sh**t anybody.

- Bull...
- No, you're not going to sh**t anybody.

You think I'm kidding?
This ain't no joke, baby.

Look at the way his hand is shaking.

It's obvious that this is a subconscious
attempt to get love from your father.

You were abused as a child.
It's as simple as that.

You're a scared little rabbit.
You just need a big bear hug.

You wanna hurt us? You're the one
who's hurting inside, mister. That's right.

- [Crying] You right. Give me a hug.
- All right.

- [All Saying "Ah"]
- All right.

Let's all give him a round of applause.

- I'm sorry.
- Welcome.

Go in peace. There you go.

What are you so nervous about?
It wasn't even a real g*n.

- What?
- I'm just kidding.

It was a. semiautomatic, -clip.
He could have blown the hell out of all of us.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but the Hebrews
for the Homeless night is tomorrow.

- Say what, brother? No, we here for the party.
- Yeah!

Oh. Well, in that case, you'll need this.

Hey, man. What the hell kinda hat is this?

Couldn't you afford
the brim and the feather?

Oh, now. You know that ain't no hat.
That's the chamois for the El Dorado.

Baby, you're always in my corner.
Give me some sugar.

- [Loud Kiss]
- Come on. We gonna be late.

♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday, Reverend Al ♪
- Say, where the reverend at?

Oh, here we go.
How y'all doin' tonight?

I'm fine.

All right, everybody put your hands together,
get on the good foot. Here we go.

- Excuse me. E-Excuse me.
This is a religious ceremony.
- [Both] Oh.

♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪

♪ Moonwalkin' on to the w*r
With the reverend ♪

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
I think you made a wrong turn somewhere.

- We did?
- Ain't this the Reverend
Al Sharpton's birthday party?

No. No. This is
Allen Sharpstein's bar mitzvah.

Bar "mister"? Oh, Cephie, I think we done
found ourselves a happy hour.

And this man sure know how to throw down.
Where the ribs at?

Oh, no. You don't understand.
This is a bar mitzvah, not a happy hour.

- It's a Jewish rite of passing.
- Oh, theyJewish.

- You should've said something.
- Give 'em a little taste of
that special song we do.

- We got something special.
- Here we go.

♪ If I were a Jew ♪

Please! Please, can we
get on with the ceremony?

Oh, hey. Wait, now. That ain't one of them
things where you snip at the boy's yo-yo, is it?

'Cause you gonna need all you can get,
knee-deep, partner.

Oh, my God.
What is with you people?

- Now, what the hell they call that, honey?
- That's called a circumcision.

- Oh, that's right.
- Now, baby, we got something for you.

- Come on over here, son.
- Come on.

Let's sing him
a little special song, Reesie.

- Here we go.
- ♪ Allen had his yo-yo snipped, E-l-E-l-O ♪

♪ With a snip-snip here
and a snip-snip there ♪

Listen, please. Stop. Listen. Listen.

Don't you people know any songs that
we would like to hear?

What about, uh, "Hava Nagila"?

- "Hava" what?
- "Hava" who?

"Hava Nagila." You know...

♪ Hava nagila, hava nagila ♪

- Now didn't the Stylistics
record that back in ' ?
- I think so.

- I don't think we know that. Do we, baby?
- That never stopped us before.

- Here we go.
- [Screaming]

That's it. Now, give 'em a little nagila
right on the side where the hot sauce is.

♪ Nagila ♪

- ♪♪ [Continues]
- Whoo-wee!

Go it on, baby. Go it on, baby.
Go it on, baby.

- ♪♪ [Continues]
- Go it on, girl!

- Whew!
- Baby, you done made
my big toe sh**t up in my boot.

- Yeah, baby!
- Here we go, y'all.

♪ Hava nagila
Have a tortilla ♪

♪ Magilla Gorilla
Rock, paper or scissors ♪

♪ Bobby Bonilla eat at the Sizzler♪

♪ Chocolate, vanilla
Captain Furillo ♪

♪ Hava nagila
Hava nagila ♪

- ♪ Hava nagila Hava nagila ♪
- ♪ Hava ♪

- Where'd they go?
- I don't know, baby.

Oh, no. They're gone.

♪♪ [Dance]

[Man] And now
The Adventures of Handi Boy.

- Come on, Clark. Blow out your candles.
- I don't want to.

- Oh, what's the matter, Son?
- Johnny Spradlin made fun of me again.

- And none of the kids will play with me.
- Oh, nonsense.

Yeah? Then why no one
came to my party then?

- He's got a point, Martha.
- It's time for you to open your present, Son.

- It's very special, dear.
- I don't want it.

Come now. It was given to us by
the people who sent you here, Son.

They made us promise not to let you
open it until your eighth birthday.

You mean you're not
my real Mommy and Daddy?

[Chuckling]
Not by a long shot.

Just open the box, Clark.

- [Grunts]
- Oh, let Mother help you, dear.

[Whirring]

Hello, my son.

It is your eighth birthday and time
for you to fulfill your destiny.

- Are you ready?
- I guess so.

You were born on the planet Palsy...

andjust before it exploded,
we sent you to Earth in a wheelchair.

Even as a baby,
you were stronger than the other kids.

Your schoolmates made fun of you
because you were different.

Now, my son, it is that difference
that will make you great.

I am making you an offer
that you can't refuse.

Drink the liquid in the vial
and be all you can be, my son.

[Liquid Gurgling]

Very good.

Now, from this moment on,
you'll be known as Handi Boy...

defender of the weak
and protector of the meek.

And remember, my son...

never underestimate
the powers of the handicapped.

Now, get down off
the lady's chair, would you?

Yes, sir.

[Together]
Happy birthday, Clark.

- Aren't you gonna cut the cake?
- No. I gotta go. The world needs me.

Oh. Thanks for everything.

[Together] Good-bye, Son.
We'll miss you.

Up, up and away.

[Laughing]
Give me those glasses, four eyes.

- Johnny, give me back my glasses.
- What are you looking at?

That's not funny, Johnny. Johnny, if l...
You're gonna make me fall.

- Excuse me. Let him go.
- What?

I said, let the cane go.

- Well, who the heck are you?
- I'm Handi Boy.

And I can do anything
you can do better.

Oh, yeah? Okay, Handi Gimp, let's race.

- Come on.
- On your mark, get set, go!

- [Panting]
- What took you so long, slowpoke?

Hey, nobody calls me names,
Handi Boy. I'll teach you.

[Crying]
Mommy.

Gee, he has a big head.

- Thank you, Handi Boy.
- That's okay.

It used to happen to me all the time
until I realized that I was special...

- just like you.
- Ow!

My glasses. Thanks, Handi Boy.

Let this be a lesson to all of you.

Never underestimate
the powers of the handicapped.

Up, up and away.

[Man] Tune in next week for
The Adventures of Handi Boy.

All right, thank you.

All right, little man,
tell them what they gotta do.

Right there. Tell them what they do.

- All right, you're fired.
- Say, bye-bye. Say, bye.

Okay, she took care of it.
Next week, y'all. We out.