03x04 - October 13, 1991

[bunniefuu]

Hi. I'm the Reverend JesseJackson.

As children, many of us
learn to read...

through the collection
of Dr. Seuss books.

Stories like The Cat in the Hat...

Horton Hears a Who,
Hop on Pop...

Green Eggs and Ham
and How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

They were all fine
for little white children.

But the young black
inner-city child...

has never had a book
upon which he could look...

and find someone of his kind.

La da dee, la da da.
La da dee, la da da.

That is why I am offering these.

JesseJackson's Children's Books.

For just . ,
you'll get stories from the street.

Stories like Horton Hears a Ho.

"I know there's a ho
who's down there.

"And what's more, I'm sure
there's two or three or even four.

"A whole family of hos
that hos to survive.

Don't be like a ho.
Keep hope alive."

Your children
will have hours of fun...

as they learn
important stories about life.

Other books in the collection are:

The Crackhead in the Hat.

The Grinch Who Stole My Stereo.

Hop on Cop.

And my personal favorite,
Green Eggs and Gubment Cheese.

"I will not eat green eggs
and gubment cheese.

"I will not eat it
because it makes me wheeze.

"I will not eat green eggs
and gubment cheese.

Because it keeps me from
going to the toilet with ease."

[Announcer] To order
JesseJackson's Children's Books...

send . to...

Order now.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

The food here looks great.
I just hope the service matches up.

Hey, mon!

[Announcer] It's time once again
for the wacky antics...

of America's hardest working
West Indian family, the Hedleys.

All right, you good people,
here's your meal.

We got your main dish...

your side dish,
your radish on a dirty dish.

And your album Bangla-dish.
And from newly released on tape, Soapdish.

- Where is my lazy boy, Byron?
Byron, get out here, boy!
- [Dishes Clatter]

Pop, hold your gnarly things.

Now I'm the coat-check boy,
the car-park boy...

the boy in the hood,
Chef Boyardee, the busboy...

and I just got off the bus
with Buster Douglas.

Well, you better bust a move and see what
these people are having for dessert.

Oh, I think I'll just have some fruit.

We don't have no fruit here,
you pasty rice cake.

I do.

Hey, mon, what do you think you're doing,
Bruce Lee, selling fruit to my customers here?

I no mon, I Wan.
I Sam Wan.

Own Wan Family Korean Fruit Stand.

This'a wife, Annie Wan.
This our son, No Wan.

This our dog, Obi Wan.

Look at that ugly, little mangy dog.
What kind of lazy dog is that?

Dog is watchdog,
Seeing Eye dog, mouse dog...

and when dog get old,
he meat on stick.

He work'a hard.
We all work'a hard.

We hardest working family ever.

Don't ever say that around here.
We the hardest working family.

And don't be selling no fruit
to my customers.

Sure, I sell the fruit.
It's a free country.

It's a free sidewalk.
Free Nelson Mandela.

He already free, mon.

See? It's all working out great.

Where my baby-maker Hilda?
Hilda, get out here, woman.

Hey, mon.

What you be calling me
out here for, Godfrey?

You know I got many, many things
to be doing. I got to be the waitress...

his mistress, the hostess with the mostess,
the maître d'...

I serve the tea
and look at me, I'm Heavy D.

You stop'a rappin'
and look it here.

We got a man over there
selling fruit to our customers.

Too bad for you, smokey-head,
hemp-toking Rasta people.

Wan sell'a vegetable,
dairy product...

small electrical appliance
and novelty item.

Got Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle T-shirt.

Wash it twice, you got'a
Mutant Turtle hand puppet.

Good deal at the lowest price.

Wan family also have
one-dollar battery pack.

Look at that, mon. That's a cheap battery.
It wouldn't last a half hour.

Half hour too long to listen to music.
Time to get back to work.

Hello. Good to see you.

It's a nice day to buy flower
at the lowest price, no?

Hold on right there now.
I'm gonna tell you something.

The Hedleys sell the freshest flowers
at the lowest price around here.

We sell day-old flower.

Whole bunch, five dollar.

We sell three-day-old flower,
two-dollar for a bunch.

I got week-old flower.

- Two bunch, dollar.
- Aha.

We got you there.
Every customer leave our restaurant...

with a basket of old, dead, dry leaves,
absolutely free.

Look, Yoko Ono,
I don't want your flowers.

All I want is some coffee to go.

I sell a hot steaming
cup of coffee, cents.

Hilda, get that man a fresh cup of
the finestJamaican bean, only cents.

- Best'a coffee in the world
come directly from my brother.
- Who that?

He one Wan you haven't met...
Wan Valdez.

Mon, they went a long way for a joke,
don't you think?

- I think so.
- I think so, mon.

Well, this family here not gonna
be outworked by that family.

Nobody outwork the Hedley.
If they gonna be open hour...

- we gonna open .
- How you gonna do that, mon?

I don't know,
but we gonna work on it.

[Together]
Hey, mon, got to get to work.

[Announcer]Join us again for another
episode of Hey, Mon, with the Hedleys...

the second-hardest working
family in America.

♪♪ [Reggae]

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Hawaiian]

Oh, Lyle, Hawaii would be great
for our honeymoon.

Yeah, baby, but it's too expensive.
We can have a real good time in Inglewood.

- Inglewood?
- Yeah, you know, 'cause all we gonna be doing is...

Lyle!

Did I hear someone say
"knocking boots"?

Got a honeymoon suite
with your name on it, my brother.

And the price
is "ri-zite," because...

[Both]
Budget vacations are us.

Let me do a quick intro.
My name's Clavell.

- And I'm Howard Tibbs III.
- And we are...

[Both]
Funky Finger Productions.

Bringing you a little something
to make you go...

- [Both] Hmm.
- You know, Arsenio stole that from me?

- Say what?
- Damn skippy.

Now, I know Billy Crystal did that little home
on the range, City Slicker kinda thing.

- Is Billy in town?
'Cause you know he hasn't called me.
- What?

Look, I don't wanna spend
my honeymoon with some cows.

- Yeah, man, we ain't interested.
- Well, whoa, nellie, partner.

You don't have to be interested, brother.
All you have to do is just buy.

Now, for the nominal fee
of, uh, . ...

You and the lovely bridette can spend
two fun-filled days at Round Rump Ranch.

- Yeah!
- [Neighing Like A Horse]

[Sputtering]
Now look here, home-cookin'.

That price includes a cabin
right on the shores of Boodie Bay.

Boodie Bay?
Isn't that a landfill?

Well, it may stink all to be damned,
but the scenery is smokin'.

Honey, let's go. A'ight?

Uh, oh, Howie, they're looking
like they're trying to hit the old dusty trail.

Uh, better pull out the heavy a*mo.

Just give 'em a taste.
Got to pay for the rest.

[Laughing]

[Imitating Guitar]

Bam!

Now, I promised Delroy
and them from the Gap Band...

- that I'd thank them for the use of the threads.
- Charlie too.

- Thanks, y'all.
- Just yell action. I'll sell the rest.

You know, we're just scallywaggin'
and lollygaggin'. Here we go.

"A ccionay."
Put the quarter in, homey.

Bow-wow-wow, yippee-yo, yippee-yay.
What a vacation.

You're gettin'wild.
Uh-oh, I see we got some buffalo.

- Oh, shuffle off to Buffalo. [Laughs]
- And a little filly too.

Oh, shucks,
time to rope me a filly.

- Whoa, baby. Now, hey, don't get too...
- Ride 'em, cowboy.

Oh, my goodness.
Lord have mercy.

You know, I had a dream
about us, baby.

I was in heaven,
and we were both butt naked.

Even sisters be trippin'
on the straight up.

- You all right, homey?
- I think she done went buck wild.

Hold up.
Let me get a picture.

- I'll meet you at the stop sign.
- We outta control here.

- Hold on. Hold on!
- Bam!

This is ridiculous. Honey.

Uh-oh, sounds like
their engagement done throwed a heel.

Well, let's at least
give you a brochure.

You know, I'm fresh out.
Howard.

Comin' outta the gate, Clavy.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

- Here he comes.
- [Yelling]

[Laughing]
You all right?

I'm cool, man. Bam!

- Hey, man, that's a blank piece of paper.
- Man, why don't you just chill?

That's where we're gonna put the pictures
when we get 'em back from the Fotomat.

Uh, let's get outta here.
You know, honey, Inglewood sounds real good.

- Hey. Hey, man, I will bust a cap in your...
- Don't... Don't...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
didn't he say Inglewood?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, don't we have a two-day thing...

- going with my cousin Boodrow?
- Yeah, I remember that.

Don't Arsenio Hall look like that dude?
What's his name?

Uh, Meshach Taylor,
but with much more booty.

♪♪ [Hawaiian]

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Ship's Horn Blares]

♪♪ [Reggae]

Honey, do you smell
something burning?

Hmm, it smells like bacon.

- Oh, my God, John, look!
- [Sizzling]

- Mister, are you okay?
- Who me?

[Laughs]
Never better.

Just trying to take advantage
of that hole in the ozone.

Put some color in my cheeks.

You're burned!

Well, that's nice of you to notice.

Fire Marshal Bill Burns. Nice to meet ya.
This is my wife, Ashley.

How you folks doing?

Say, uh, Bill,
you wanna get my back?

Anything for you,
my little charcoal briquette.

Ah, there you go.

She loves this
new nonstick formula.

Well, I think I'll give
this little tug a looky-loo.

- Check for safety violations.
- Oh, but, Bill, it's our vacation.

Baby, disaster has
a real good travel agent.

See ya. Uh, Bill.
Have you got a light?

Coming right up, hot stuff.

Put another shrimp
on the barbie, baby.

Say there, son, did you know
that deep-sea fishing...

is the number one cause
of cruise ship casualties?

Let me show you something.

Let's just say
there's a shark warning...

and you've just taken a bath
in a bucketful of fish guts.

A typhoon hits the boat.

You're knocked over the side.
Before you know it, feeding frenzy!

Fire Marshal Bill,
it's a great white!

- [Shark Roars]
- So it is.

Fire Marshal Bill!

You got him, Fire Marshal Bill!

Cheer up, son.
We got ourselves a trophy fish.

- Doesn't it hurt?
- Are you foolin'?

- Hold this, lady.
- [Woman Screams]

My body is completely numb.
I haven't felt pain...

since I stopped that lava flow
at Mount Pinatubo... with my face!

Excuse me, son.
Hey, hold it right there, grandma.

Just what the heck
do you think you're doing?

[Chuckles]
I'm just having a drink.

Well, you better be extra careful.

Drinkin' on the deck
of a cruise ship can be fun...

but it can also
be very, very d-deadly.

Say you've got
your piña colada in one hand...

and a beakerful
of hydrochloric acid in the other.

You're strolling on the upper deck.

Somebody says, " Hey, look,
Captain Stubing's pukin' over the side."

You forget which is which...

[Yelling]

[Screaming]

[Snorting]

Are you all right?

[Yells]

Well, I won't be singing
with Domingo.

Thank you, Fire Marshal Bill.

You never can be
too careful, ma'am.

Why don't you stick around
for my next demonstration?

Attention! Attention!

Can I have your attention?

This next safety tip
could prevent imminent disaster.

Now, just for the sake
of argument...

let's say they saved
Hitler's brain.

And he's masterminded a plot
to blow this ship to kingdom come.

You're having a birthday party
on the boat.

One of Hitler's n*zi bakers hands you
a birthday cake made out of plastic expl*sives.

Quick, into the lifeboats!
The ship's gonna blow!

Everybody, remain calm.

I am a fire marshal.

First, you extinguish
the fuse like so.

Then you merely dispose of your expl*sive
little friend in the nearest trash receptacle.

You idiot,
that's not a trash receptacle.

Okay, smart guy.
[Laughs]

Where does it
lead to then?

- The engine room!
- Oops.

[Ship's Horn Blares]

[Water Sloshing]

[Sighs]

Sometimes I think
I'm just wasting my breath.

Look, a ship!
We're saved!

Hold it right there, son!

Is that a flare g*n
you got there?

These things can be
extremely dangerous.

Especially in a lifeboat
filled with gasoline.

- Ashley.
- Gotcha, Bill.

Let me show you something!

Straight from chill city,
Uniondale.

Straight from chill city,
Uniondale.

Strong Island. Put your hands together
for Leaders of the New School...

singing
"Teachers, Teach Us." Peace.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

♪♪ [Rap]

♪♪ [Rap Continues]

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♪♪ [Ends]