03x01 - September 22, 1991

[bunniefuu]

Hi, boys and girls.

Your friend Pee-wee
has been on a new adventure...

which is why it's time to buy
the new improved Pee-wee doll.

Ha!
[Chuckling]

This one's even
anatomically correct.

That's right.

Just like Fu Manchu...

the new Pee-wee doll
is a master of disguise.

Not only that... Ha!
[Chuckles]

The new Pee-wee doll
comes with turbo fist.

So little Pee-wee
can beat this drum.

[Laughing]

Little Pee-wee can beat
most anything except a bum rap.

So hurry on down
to your local toy store...

and pick up
the new Pee-wee doll today.

Ha!
[Chuckles]

As always, pull my string,
and I'll talk.

I have the right
to an attorney.

I have the right
to remain silent.

And what if I did
some charity work instead? Ha!

[Man] Yes, it's the new and improved
Pee-wee doll from Sleazo.

Pee-wee's porn house, trench coat,
handcuffs and bail bond sold separately.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you
been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Applause]

All right. Well, good to have you here
on our first show.

Thank you for joining us.

Got a lot... a lot of new stuff.
A lot of new stuff.

Got a new set.
You likes?

[Audience]
Yeah.!

Got some new gear.
You likes?

- [Audience Cheering]
- Got a couple of other new things
I think you're gonna like.

First of all, we have a new Fly Girl,
coming all the way from Bronx, New York...

Miss Jennifer Lopez.

We got some new additions to the cast
I'd like to bring out...

right now before
we get the show started.

Come on out here, y'all.

- Now, the first one...
- [Cheering]

The first one is a...
is a old face...

but a little something new.

Formerly known as SW ,
Shawn Wayans now joining the cast officially.

[Cheering]

Very funny... Very funny stand-up comedian,
actor, Steve Parks joining us.

[Cheering]

And this...
this country bumpkin...

right here from Texas...

- very funny stand-up comedian, Jamie... Foxx.
- Foxx.

[Cheering]

Oh. Oh.

Now... Now, Shawn is now in the cast,
so replacing him...

- another homeboy from the Bronx...
- From the Bronx.

- D.J. Twist in the house.
- [Audience Cheering]

A'ight. Y'all sit still
and let us do what we do best.

We'll be right back.
Peace.

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪♪

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Man Speaking]

♪♪ [Ends]

Look at what I got.

Time for your medicine.

[Man] Coming this Christmas,
it's Rick James at his Super Freakiest...

"supercreepiest"ever
in Misery II.

[Whimpers]
It's been a lot of fun, Mr. James...

but, uh,
it's getting late...

and seeing as the party's been over
for a couple of days...

don't you think
I could lea...

Ah, but I got a new party happening, baby,
and it's in my pants.

- No.
- Don't you want to be there?

No. No, really. You're too kind,
but I should be going.

What?
What's the matter? Aw!

Oh, pooh. Goodness gracious.
Look what you made me do.

Heavens to betsy.
What a dirty mess.

I'm such a dirty birdie,
dirty birdie.

Please, Mr. James. Untie me.
I want to go now.

I can't believe this.
After all I've done for ya?

Cookin', cleanin', letting you suck face
with my girlfriend while I watch.

And this is all
the thanks I get?

"Oh! Mr. James,
the ropes are too tight."

"Oh! My hands are
falling asleep."

"Ow! I need a Band-Aid!"

"Oh, Mr. James, please.

No more knife tricks."

Oh, who you think you're talking to,
you new-wave freak?

You know, uh, did I ever tell you
what a really big fan of your music I am?

- Bigger than Teena Marie?
- Oh, yes. Much, much bigger.

You know, I just love what M.C. Hammer did
with your "Super Freak."

M.C. Hammer?
Did you say M.C. Hammer?

M.C. Hammer ain't nothin'
but a big stinky-pants doody!

Ain't nothin' but a dinky!

My father knew who...
But a dinky!

- I hate M.C. Hammer! You love M.C. Hammer?
- No.

Well, why don't you just marry M.C. Hammer,
Mrs. Woman?

Let me tell you something else,
smelly-bottoms.

I know something you don't know.
M.C. Hammer got cooties.

Now, I don't think I need to
be around you for a while.

♪♪ [Funk]

- So you like Hammer, baby?
- No.!

- Oh, yeah. You like Hammer.
- No.! L... I don't.

Oh, yes, you do.

- It's Hammer time!
- No!

- Ya drink-servin' bitch.
- No!

♪♪ [Sings]

[Man]
Misery II, starring Rick James.

He's a very funked-up host.

Previously on In Living Color.

You're not Homey the Clown.
You're Homey the Man.

[Sobbing]

You're a sucker.

[Chattering]

[All Barking]

So, when do I get to
meet the Man?

Homey, the, uh, Man
doesn't just see anyone.

Say what?

You've got to be a complete sellout
to meet the Man.

What you talkin' about,
Mr. Charlie?

Did I show you my new look?

Not bad, Homester,
but I, uh...

- I denounced Farrakhan.
- Well, JesseJackson did that.

- I dated Vanna White.
- Who didn't?

Did I mention Rodney King
was way out of line?

You did it, Homey!
You totally sold out!

I get to meet the Man.

Well, well, well.
Homey the Clown.

Well, well, well.
If it ain't the Man.

Mr. Establishment.

Whitey himself.
Ofay. White Devil. cr*cker...

Hey. That's enough.

We've got big plans
for you, Homey.

But before we can have you
become an official member...

of the Establishment...

it is customary to...

kiss the ring of the Man.

Excuse me a second.

[Kiaiing]

I don't think so.

Homey never played that.

It was all part of Homey's master plan
just to bop the Man.

Kiss this.

You fool.

You don't know
what you've done.

Oh, yes, I do.
I just got even with your ass. See ya.

[Door Closes]

[Girl]
Hey, everyone.! Homey's back.!

He's back!
Homey, how you been?

A'ight.

Fair enough, children. Let's sing
the Homey the Clown comeback song.

[All]
Yeah!

- ♪ Homey the Clown ♪
- ♪ Homey the Clown ♪

- ♪ Never mess around ♪
- ♪ Never mess around ♪

- ♪ Even when the Man thought he had him ♪
- ♪ Even when the Man ♪

- Sorry.
- ♪ Even when the Man
thought he had him down ♪

♪♪ [All Singing Incoherently]

♪ But that was Homey's plan
to get to the Man ♪

♪ And infiltrate
the Establishment ♪

♪ And show them that Homey can't be bought
or sold just like some damn Kunta Kinte ♪

♪ Whose foot they cut off
and they had him hobbling around ♪

♪ Like some chicken
with his foot cut off ♪

♪ And the mama say, Hey, boy
You better go out and find that damn shoe ♪♪

- Sing the song.
- ♪♪ [Singing Incoherently]

All right, all right, children.
Very good. Very good.

So, what has Homey's little adventure taught us,
if nothing else, "childrens"?

That material things mean nothing
compared to keeping your dignity.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, very good. Very good.

Now, let's walk off
into the sunset together, shall we?

- Okay!
- Yeah!

That's far enough.
Now, get the hell away from me.

- Hey, Homey.
- What?

Since you taught us
that material things...

compare nothing to having a chance
to bop the Man...

- What?
- Can I have your car?

- [Engine Starts]
- Oh, you'd like that car, huh?

- Yeah. It's nice.
- Touch it.

I don't think so.

Homey don't play that. You know,
there's a thin line between dignity and stupidity...

and you crossed that line,
jackass.

Go home on the bus.

You better hurry up
and get on that bus, boy.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Man] And now, another episode
ofThe Head Detective.

Ninety-three,
ninety-four...

- ninety-five, ninety-six.
- Hey, what are you doing?

My exercises.
Ninety-seven, ninety-eight...

ninety-nine,
a hundred.

Whoo! Boy, I gotta
get my weight down.

I'm tired of being
called fathead.

You better hurry up
and get your disguise on.

You know we're supposed to get that Rosemont
diamond back from Johnny Peluso tonight.

Hey, why do I always
have to wear the disguise?

Because you're the best.
You're the master, Head.

I mean, who's the department
gonna get? Me?

Think I could have pulled off that little circus
number you did last month? Remember that?

Yeah. It was great until
the elephant mistook me...

for a giant goober
and tried to eat me.

Hey. I can't do it alone.
We're partners, remember?

Okay.

As long as
I don't have to look silly.

Head, trust me.

[Clears Throat] Excuse me.
A reservation for a Dr. And Mrs. Reynolds.

Dr. Reynolds.
Table for one and a quarter.

Well, big boy,
are you gonna seat us...

or were you gonna spend all night staring
at my little old bazookas?

No, no, no.
For you...

I got our best table.

Right next to
Mr. Peluso. Follow me.

That's Peluso.

Now, look, I'm goin'
to get the diamond.

- Go ahead. I'll keep his bodyguards busy.
- Good luck, partner.

Uh, Mr. Peluso,
I'm Dr. Reynolds.

Have a seat.

Either that's your wife,
or your bowling ball is gay.

Look, I'm not here to chat.
I'm here to buy a diamond.

Psst.

Boys, boys, please don't
fight over little old me.

[Chuckles]
You a Capricorn, ain't ya?

Hey, baby. Why don't you let me
buy you somethin'? I bet you like hats.

My, my. You're just like
all the rest.

You wine me and dine me,
then roll me out the back door.

You the finest little thing up in here.

Would you like to dance?

With you, handsome, I'd love to.

Oh, yeah.

This is beautiful.

Tell me, Peluso.
How'd you get this through customs?

There's one orifice on the body
they never check.

Finger bowl, please.

Hey, you know what?
You're a pretty good dancer.

Why, thank you,
but I bet you say that to all the heads.

Oh, my. Is that a g*n in your pocket,
or are you Pee-wee Herman?

- Oh!
- Hey, boss. Look!

See you in court,
Peluso.

- Stop that guy!
- Head...

- I gotta hide the diamond quick.
- Where?

- [Splats]
- Oh!

Look, man, this is
a tough one, Head.

I don't know if we can
get out of this.

Nonsense, buddy. Remember when
you played for the Lakers?

- Are you saying what I think you're saying?
- Yes.

- You were the greatest dribbler.
You could dribble past anybody.
- Head, that's too dangerous.

- Go for it.
- No way.

Damn it!
Partner, just do it.

All right.
Come on!

Get those guys!

Whoo! You did it, partner. You did it!

We did it, Head.
Remember. We're a team.

Hey, hey, hey, easy.
The diamond.

[Man] This has been another episode
ofThe Head Detective.

Well...

in case you're wondering...

we just keep growing 'em
in the Wayans family.

This is, like, in case the show
is on the air for another years...

then he'll be joining
the cast next.

- This is my nephew, Damien.
- [Woman] Yeah.

So...

I have... I have him in comedy prep school now,
so he should be ready.

Well, thanks for joining us. Hope you had
a good time. We had a good time doing it for you.

We'll see you next week.
Peace.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]