02x25 - August 11, 1991

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

[Audience Cheering,
Applauding]

Yeah, I'm standing by. Vice President Quayle
will be approaching shortly.

- [Radio Squeals]
- Roger. I got that one, Deep Throat.
The eagle has landed.

Tweety is out of his cage.

He's flying over the cuckoo's nest.
Three minutes till condor.

Who are you?

Dickie Peterson, Cherub ofJustice,
here to protect and serve!

Well, the Secret Service
will take care of this, kid.

The last thing we need is some
Guardian Angel troop hanging around here.

I am not a Guardian Angel, sir,
nor do I care to be...

unless they start returning
my phone calls, but fast.

You're gonna have to
step behind that line.

Go undercover?
Mingle with the crowd? Roger!

I know this is against
Cherub regulations...

but, uh, you're Secret Service.

I think I can trust ya.

- Woodchuck?
- It's my code name.

Use it sparingly
and only in an emergency.

You are gonna eat that,
aren't you?

Yeah. Okay,
I'll be right there.

[Gasps]

Unauthorized disposal
of classified document.

I'm gonna have to
put him on report.

Also, leaving his post.
Two more demerits.

Looks like I'm gonna have
to secure this perimeter myself.

Hussein!

Sorry about that, miss.

Merely a trained reflex reaction
triggered by potential t*rror1st activity.

For all I know, that hot dog
could have been a Scud m*ssile...

and its bun,
the mobile launcher.

You are an idiot!

Sticks and stones
may break my bones, miss...

but names are not gonna put
that hot dog back in your mouth.

Sure, go ahead. Get another one.
I'll do it again.

- [Radio Squeals]
- Situation resolved.

All right, everybody.
Surprise inspection.

The second most powerful man in the
entire world is gonna be by here any second...

and I swear by this trademark
yellow beret...

that every man, woman and child
in my sector will pass muster.

Hey! News flash.

The ' s are over.
Get a haircut, tr*nsv*stite!

- Suck in your gut.
- [Gasps]

I better check
into home base.

Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel. Woodchuck
to Gray Squirrel. Come in, Gray Squirrel.

[Old Woman]
Dickie? Is that you, Dickie?

Yes, Gray Squirrel,
it's Woodchuck!

Listen, Woodchuck. What are these
magazines I found under your bed?

Uh, merely reference material for the scenario
file of my Cherubs ofJustice crime lab.

No, it's not.
It's filthy smut.

When you get home,
I'm going to take you over my knee...

[Imitating Radio Squeals]
Uh, you're breaking up, Gray Squirrel.

Gray Squirrel? Uh, I can't...
[Muttering]

Maintain radio silence.

- [Cheering]
- The vice president!

♪♪ [March]

Did you see the way
he looked at me?

Did anybody see that?

I think we had a moment there.

- [Chattering]
- What's that guy doin'?

The vice president's in trouble!

- Sorry. I didn't see you.
- Hussein!

- I was aiming for the trash can.
- I'll bet you were, Taxi Driver.

I bet you didn't count on
Dickie Peterson, human shield...

getting between you
and the vice president, did ya?

Unfortunately, I don't have the authority
to detain you at this moment.

But I promise you, mister...

one day it'll be just you and me.

And then, boom!

Death touch.

Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.

Evil plan aborted.
Tweety is back in his cage.

Sylvester, once again,
has been thwarted.

Judging by the length
of my shadow...

it is about hours,
which means it's time for Cherub chow.

So get those Ding Dongs ready.
I'm comin' home!

[Knob Jingling]

Gray Squirrel, it's locked.

- Gray Squirrel?
- [Audience Cheering]

[Glass Shattering]

[Phone Beeping]

[Man]
Due to the volume of calls to ...

your call is being answered
by the M.X. System.

If you are witnessing
a m*rder, press .

If you are being assaulted,
press .

If you are being robbed,
press .

[Beeps]

If you are being robbed
in a single-family home, press .

If you are being robbed
in an apartment, press .

If the perpetrator is still
outside your apartment, press .

If the perpetrator has entered
your apartment, press .

If the perpetrator
is a Caucasian male above six feet...

and over pounds
with identifiable tattoos...

press .

If he has no tattoos, press .

If you didn't hear
your specific situation clearly...

this tape will repeat.

If you are witnessing
a m*rder, press .

♪♪ [Classical]

You've done a wonderful job
organizing the recital, Janice.

I'm quite sure donations
will be generous.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Beaumont.

I just hope we've raised enough money
to keep the opera house open.

Oh, I'm certain we will,
my dear.

Unless, of course, there's
some unforeseen disaster. [Laughing]

Well, ménage à trois, everybody!

- I have "entray-vooed."
- [Audience Applauding]

I am ready to party!
Now where is Oprah?

I'm sorry, but I think you're
a bit confused. This is the opera.

What? You mean there
ain't gonna be no women on here...

talkin' about their panties
possessed by the devil?

- Who are you?
- I'll give you a hint.

I'm hip, I'm slick, and all the women love
my G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip.

Well, you'll have to excuse us.

I think we see somebody
over there we know.

Oh, bon soufflé, mon bidet.

Oh, my God.
It's that idiot, Frenchie.

Um, excuse me.
I have to freshen up.

[Frenchie]
Janice.! Hey, Janice.

- It's me, Frenchie, baby.
- [Groans]

- How you doing, woman?
- What are you doing here?

Well, don't be so El DeBarge.

It wasn't easy
findin' you, you know.

Remember when we was
in the Laundromat?

You said, "Close your eyes"
when I asked you for a piece of sugar.

You said, " Close your eyes and count to
a hundred." I opened my eyes, you was gone.

Don't worry. You dropped a little something
on the Laundromat floor.

I took it down to the police station.
Had your fingerprints dusted.

They gave me your license plate number.
I followed you down here.

I just wanted to return
these to you, baby.

[Gasps]

I love a woman
that wears safari drawers.

You know, I got some on
right now. Wanna see?

No!

Janice. Janice.
I don't believe I've met your friend.

- He's not my friend.
- That's right. It's much more than that.

We go together
like toes and jam.

- [Groans]
- Yes.

Well, Don Pardo. My name is Leonard,
but all my friends call me "Frenchie."

Oh. Oh, dear.

Frenchie, let me
spell it out for you.

Mrs. Beaumont
is the C.E.O. Of a top S & L.

Yes, but I'm out tonight
for a little R & R.

[Laughing]

- Que coincidence.
- [Beaumont] Oh.

That's right. I got B.O.
From the local Y.M.C.A.

And I'm out for a little T & A.

Well, I've never been
so insulted in all my life!

She sure got enough "A."

Frenchie, I have something
very important to do...

- Uh-huh.
- Somewhere else.

You stay here. Just stay.

Don't follow me.
Don't move. Just stay.

Whatever you say,
mon petite commode.

Some foie gras, sir?

Oh, looks like
mon doo-doo to me.

It's goose liver pâté.

Oh, great. Then these chitlins and
hot sauce will go with that just fine.

Go on. Pass that around.

This is nice.
Hey, Zorro.

You know, I wore that same
costume last Halloween.

Won first place down at Mr. Rick's
Sugar Shack. Sure did.

Won a Confunkshun single, and didn't
even have to get my T-shirt wet.

What is wrong with these people?

Janice! Hey, Janice.

You lookin' mighty Häagen-Daz.
Look like you missed me, baby.

You know, in my Harvard days,
I once shot six three-pointers in a row.

- Oh.
- Mmm, very impressive.

Well, last New Year's eve,
I put Reese's pieces up my nose...

shot 'em into a Dixie cup
from across the room.

[Man Over P.A.]
Ladies and gentlemen, intermission is over.

- Take your seats for the second
portion of tonight's program.
- Oh, it's party time.

[Barking]

♪♪ [Classical]

♪♪ [Singing In Italian]

[Shouting]

Wait a minute, man.
What's all this yelling about?

This is worse than
a Patti LaBelle concert, man.

[Shouting] What is this? You are
the biggest buffoon I have ever met!

- Ah, gotcha. I'm a baritone.
- [Grumbling]

But you all don't worry
about the party now.

'Cause I used to play for Sly and the Family
Stone, so I'm gonna get the music goin'.

See, this here opera stuff is fine,
but it's just a little too tres limousine.

You can't dance to it.
Excuse me, Don Corleone.

How 'bout "Super Freak" on four?
Un, deux, trois, four!

- ♪♪ [Piano]
- Ah, shucks now. Janice, this is for you.

♪♪ [Singing]

Stop!

I can't tell you
how sorry I am about this.

Sorry? This is disgraceful!

If this is the only performance
you people can afford...

I'm gonna double my donation
to see that this doesn't happen again.

I assure you, this is never...

Oh, Janice, keep your fiancé,
French Fry, singing.

On four.
Un, deux, trois, four!

- ♪♪ [Piano]
- Aw, shucks now. Funky chicken!

That's right.
Come on, Janice.

All right, people.
Come on now.

Let's get this party goin',
man. Soul Train!

Now, do the Soul Train.

♪♪ [Singing]

East Coast! West Coast!

East Coast! West Coast!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Announcer]
Has wearing real fur become a hassle?

Are animal rights activists
bringing you down?

Then say hello to the Clear Conscience
Fur Farm and Outlet Store.

Here at Clear Conscience, % of our pelts
come from rodents that die of old age...

right here in our own luxurious
rodent retirement home.

The rest of our pelts come to us
thanks to Mother Nature.

For instance, this unlucky little fellow
was struck down by lightning...

while these little guys were struck
by severe animal depression...

and mass su1c1de.

So the next time you have a run-in
with an animal rights activist...

flash him the label
on the inside of your sable.

Clear Conscience...
we'll skin no hide before its time.

- Hey, can I help you?
- Hiya, Johnny.

- The name's Jimmy.
- Jimmy, Johnny, Joey. What's in a name?

Anyway, give me a double dip,
black and white.

And, hey, Johnny,
don't forget the cherry.

[Chuckles]
Name's Jimmy.

Sure got strong arms, Johnny.
I bet no one pushes you around.

Nope, sure don't.
All right.

Put the sprinkles
on there. Ta-da.

A cherry.
That'll be a dollar.

A dollar? Well, I thought
it would cost a quarter.

Oh, fiddlesticks. I just spent
my last buck at the picture show.

I'll tell you what. Just give me the quarter.
Bring the rest when you come back, okay?

Oh, Johnny, you're the greatest.

I was nothin', a nobody,
a bum in the street...

but you came along and picked me up, dusted
me off and turned me into something special.

I'm yours, Johnny, forever.

Look, lady, thanks a lot, all right.
Just enjoy your ice cream.

Bring me my change
when you can.

Oh, Johnny,
I could never repay you...

not after what
you've done for me.

Oh, Johnny, the two of us
will be great together.

We'll be thick as thieves, like birds
of a feather, two peas in a pod.

We'll board the next train
to Niagara.

- Train to Niagara?
- A train to Niagara, slow boat to China.

Ah, Johnny, I'd go to hell
in a handbasket with you.

Look, lady, that's enough.
Hey, yo, Larry!

Larry, I'm gonna take
my break now, man. I'm outta here.

- Lady, there's help around. Seek it.
- Wait!

Johnny?

Don't go.

- ♪♪ [Piano]
- ♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

So long, Johnny.
See you in my dreams.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

Now, I know you haven't
seen Little G. In a long time...

but I still think it's time you had that talk
with him about the birds and the bees.

I know you don't know
what to say to him...

but I still think it's best
if it comes from you.

Little G.!

Your daddy's gonna have
that talk with you now, okay?

Flatulate yourself
over here, my little zygote.

Flatulate! Flatulate!
Don't be redundant.

Now, you see,
when a man liposucks...

a woman's, uh, mammogram...

it is the titillating expression
between lubrication...

of two secreting adults,
ya dig?

Yeah, yeah. A protractor.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's
like Frosted Mini-Wheats.

[Laughter, Applause]

No, no, it's much more
"mucazoid" than that...

my little "geniphilia."

It's the adolescent Dukakis...

that is calculated,
ya understand...

by the insane,
or, uh, Hussein...

dependent on
the confrontation forthwith...

furthermore, posthaste,
post office...

creating a mediocre-type arsenic,
uh, uh, "treatyology," ya understand?

Am I being "cruex"?

- Uh, gesundheit.
- Uh-huh.

- A most spectacular off-ramp.
- Uh-huh.

- But sometimes, I'm defa... defla...
- Defecated.

- Defecated...
- Right.

- By my misfortune.
- Uh-huh.

That's... That's very antiseptic,
my little hors d'oeuvre.

But do not h*m*
the Neutrogena...

or 'gina,
depending on the woman.

All right?

That's so Nintendo.

My own giblets
are under surveillance.

Oh, that's deep.
That's deep.

That's my son there.
You've radiated mucho ambivalence...

as the French people say.

Time's up.
Let's go, Oswald.

Hey. Remember. Don't constipate
your mother's hemorrhoids.

I won't.

Fornicate my redemption!

I'll recede to my own bowels.

[Audience Applauding]

[Audience Cheering]

- We had a...
- We had a...

- [Laughs]
- All right. Go ahead.

We... Sorry. Go ahead.

- We...
- We...

- Good night.
- Good night.

♪♪ [Theme]

♪ You can do what you wanna... ♪♪