02x22 - April 28, 1991

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

[Audience Applauding, Cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenan Ivory Wayans.

[Applause Continues]

Thank you.

See...

That's what happens when you
bring your family to the show.

So that's my trick. Just load 'em up
with Wayans, I get the applause of life.

Uh, welcome to another
edition of the show.

You know, we poke fun at a lot
of groups here on In Living Color.

We always get letters, people
wondering, " How do you decide
which groups you're gonna make fun of?"

So what I decided to do
is show you what the process is.

With the help of the Fly Girls,
we'll show you how we pick.

Come on, ladies. Help me out.
Bring in our wheel.

See, by spinning our little
comedy wheel of race right here...

it lets us see who we're
gonna make fun of each week.

So, Dee,
let's give it a spin, huh?

You know,
it's pretty unbelievable.

This seems to come up
every week.

Anyway...
[Laughs]

Let's get on with the show.
Kick it!

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪♪

[Man] And now another episode
ofThe Head Detective.

All right. All right.
Shh. Wait. All right. Look.

Remember, we're supposed
to be undercover.

Here. Sit right there.
I'm gonna put your disguise on.

Wouldn't want anybody to recognize you.
It could blow the whole operation.

Ahem. Barkeep, let me have a scotch
and soda... shaken, not stirred.

Comin' right up.

Oh!

♪♪ [Wolf Whistles]

Hey, partner,
check out the chick.

Whew. Put me on the ground
for a second, will ya?

Go easy on her, Head.

[Grunts]

[Head] Say, luscious,
can I buy you a drink?

- Who said that?
- Uh, down here.

Hi, angel.

You know, it's moments like this
when bein' short has its advantages.

- [Laughs]
- Bug off, Head.

I don't date cops.

And let me
tell you something.

Don't you ever, ever, ever...

Iook up a lady's dress again
unless she asks you to.

Understand?

She wants me.

All right. Forget about her.
Remember, we're on a case.

Come on. Let's go check out
that bowling alley.

- Leave a little crack so I can breathe.
- Will you shut up!

Damn! That's
the fourth split tonight!

Hey, that's the way
the ball bounces.

[Muffled Muttering]

Hey, hey! That's my partner
you're bowling with!

Head!

I think I know why
you're getting so many splits.

These pins are loaded
with cocaine.

Hey.! Hey, get that guy.!

[Yelps]

Don't anybody follow me,
or I swear I'll put her away.

[Woman Screams]

Stop it!

I think I better go
for backup, Head.

He's gettin' too far away.
They're goin' for the roof.

No. Remember when we played
high school football?

The big game?
Fourth quarter? Last play?

Little Nuggets down by two?

Head, you're not sayin'
what I think you're sayin'.

Kick me at him.

- Head!
- Just do it, damn it!

Hey, Head. I think you forgot
to put your shorts on, man.

I knew I felt a draft.

[Screaming]

- Freeze, maggot!
- All right, Head.

- Just don't hit me.
- Shut up!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
All right, Head!

[Man] This has been another episode
ofThe Head Detective.

[Man] And now,
The Adventures of Handi-Man!

Handi-Man.
Always saving the day.

Always helping the handicapped.

How I hate the handicapped!

Those phy... phy...

physically challenged.

Well, I shall challenge them all.

I, Dr. Naughty...

shall destroy Handi-Man
and his entire disabled army...

with my newest invention...

the handi-droid.

[Sinister Laughing]

Stand up, my pet.

Yes, master.

Let's test your strength.

Excellent.
Excellent!

You are ready.

Now, what are you
going to do?

Ruin Handi-Man.

Good. Good.

And how are you
going to do it?

Wreak havoc on the city.

[Laughing]
Yes. Yes!

Now, go! Go.

[Laughing Continues]

Hiya, Handi-Man.
Checkin' out the vault?

Lots of dimes in there,
thanks to you.

I've come to make
a withdrawal.

Oh, you can't go... Wait.
You can't go in there.

[g*nshots]

Not now, Jim!

Excuse me.

- Here's your mail, Mrs. Dane.
- Thank you, Mr. Bent.

- Please, call me Clark.
- All right.

Say, Lois, you think maybe you and I
could go out to dinner tonight?

Oh, I'd love to, Clark,
but I can't tonight.

Perhaps you haven't heard.
Handi-Man's turned to a life of crime.

- I've got to go.
- What about a cup of water by the cooler?

Well, this can only be the work
of the evil Dr. Naughty.

Looks like a job
for Handi-Man.

[Clattering]

Up, up and away!

$ , . .

- $ , . ...
- Okay, Dr. Naughty. The gig is up.

Why are you trying
to destroy my name?

A long time ago, I got a ticket
for parking in a handicapped zone.

I have committed my life
to destroying the phy...

phy... physically challenged.

Well, now it's time
someone stopped you.

Handi-Man,
let me introduce you...

to your death!

- Seize him!
- Yes, master.

Let's get busy.

Stick and jab.
Stick and jab.

[Both Grunting]

[Groaning]

You have ruined my creation!

I'll get you, Handi-Man!

Tell it to the judge.
Take him away, fellas.

- Okay, Handi-Man.
- It's great to have you back.

Yeah. We thought
you were gone for good.

Never underestimate
the powers of the handicapped.

- [Both Officers] We won't.
- [Blows Raspberry]

Up, up and away!

- Oh, hi, Clark.
- Hi, Lois.

"Handi-Man Redeemed."
What a great story.

Too bad you couldn't
have been there.

- Well, I must've overslept.
- Handi-Man!

Oh, I mean... Clark.

Come to think of it...

why is it that whenever Handi-Man's
around, you seem to disappear?

Could it be that...
[Laughs]

No.

[Man]
The Adventures of Handi-Man!

So in conclusion, before the ladies and
gentlemen of the jury pass judgment...

consider this.

My client was sleepwalking.

Yes, sleepwalking.

The defense rests.

Is the prosecution ready
to cross-examine?

Who is the prosecutor
in this case?

Uh, Your Honor, that would be...

Arsenio-o-o-o...

Hall.!

[Cheering]

♪♪ [Funky Rock]

- [Laughs]
- Yeah! My bailiff.

Give it up. Yes.

And these... these are people
too stupid to get out of jury duty.

- Give it up. Yeah.
- [Whooping]

They know they're dumb.
They know they're dumb. Yeah.

Mr. Hall, proceed
with your prosecution.

Oh, yes, Your Honor.
That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get
to the bottom of things.

Did you see what I did
to Vanilla Ice? That's what I do.

- I get to the bottom of things.
- [Cheering]

Yes. Yes.

Now, with no further ado,
I'd like to bring on my first witness.

He's a very talented man.
He's assaulted women...

and then showed an indifference
for human life and property.

So please give a big round
of applause to Mr. Rooow-land Biggs!

Give it up.

- ♪♪ [Funk]
- Rowland.!

Have a seat, Rowland.

Give it up. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get right into it,
Rowland.

Now, your picture is up
all over the post office.

You're on the F.B.I.'s
Top Ten list...

two years in a row.

What the court
would like to know is...

has celebrity life changed you?

What?

What was it like
before all the fame?

I was locked in the closet
most of my life.

- I was abused as a child.
- [Laughs]

One time, my mother held me underwater
for about four and a half minutes.

- [Laughing Continues]
- My father used to use me as an ashtray!

Mr. Hall, what
do you find so amusing?

Oh, nothing. Just a little joke me and
Whitney shared about Eddie Murphy.

Objection!
What is this, Your Honor?

Sustained. Mr. Hall!

Now, I haven't read
the deposition...

but my people tell me
that you used exhibit "A"...

to as*ault all of your victims.

Will the jury please note, exhibit "A"
is a heavy, blunt instrument.

Do you work out, man?

'Cause this ain't
no sissy m*rder w*apon.

There here is one bad
mama jama.

Look like one of them brontosaurus ribs
from The Flintstones.

Now, why did Fred always put the ribs
in the back of the car...

when he knew
it was gonna tip over?

Wilma! Wilma!

Your Honor,
that is immaterial!

Mr. Hall, unless there is someone else
you would like to call to the stand...

I suggest you wrap this up.

Very well, Your Honor.
Fair enough.

A surprise guest tonight:
Mr. Eddie Murphy!

- Come on down, Eddie!
- [Cheering]

[Whooping]

I fail to see how this relates.

Oh, it doesn't, Your Honor.

It's just that it's sweeps week, and it
would be nice to have Eddie in the court.

Now, you know, me and Eddie
are best friends...

and we made a pact
before we got famous:

Never let a woman
come between us.

And you are one fine,
bad mama jama.

- Mr. Prosecutor...
- Oh, I'd pour barbecue sauce all over you...

- and work you like a rib.
- Mr. Prosecutor!

- Yes!
- Make your closing statements
before I find you in contempt.

Very well.
Will the jury please note...

she is fine.

Yes, if Eddie was here,
he'd steal her for himself.

Yes. [Giggles]

Now, you've heard some very compelling
arguments tonight on both sides of the issue.

"Compelling."
That's a very big word.

I know a lot of brothers are sittin' there
goin', "What's he talkin' about, man?"

Anyway, a man's life
hangs in the balance.

With that in mind, have you ever noticed
how white people sit in a jury...

very attentive, sittin' there goin'...

"I wonder if he's guilty or innocent.
I wish they'd hurry. I have a job to go to."

Brothers be sittin' there
goin', " Say, man.

"They payin' me $ . plus gas.

I'm stayin' all day.
Maybe he is; maybe he ain't."

They're not jokes, folks.

- Just a little somethin'
to make you say "hmm."
- [Audience] Hmm.

And on that,
the prosecution rests.

This has been a total
travesty ofjustice.

Oh, she is fine.

Let's not forget to give
a big round of applause...

to the main man
of the night himself.

I want you to give it up like
you got a boiled egg and a glass
of water in your stomach loud.

Mr. Rowland Biggs. Come on.
Give it up for Rowland.

- [Cheering]
- Ah, Rowland!

- [Cheering Continues]
- Come back anytime, Rowland.

Has the jury reached a decision?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

And although we personally
find Mr. Biggs here...

guilty beyond
any shadow of a doubt...

there was no evidence presented
in this courtroom of that nature.

So therefore we, the jury,
find the defendant not guilty.

[Cheering, Whooping]

- [Whistling]
- Rowland!

But you just set free the
second-most-wanted criminal in America!

Strive to be number one,
Rowland. Yes!

And on that, I want my man,
the king of funk...

to take us home with some
of that nasty, old left-over...

lint-in-your-belly-button,
didn't-check-between-your-toes
funk! Kick it!

♪♪ [Funk]

Well, tonight we have
a very special guest...

well, two very special guests... that
I'm really honored to have on the show.

Many things have been said
about them...

but what I'd like to say is that
they are the premiere group of rap...

that the boldness in their lyrics...

the level of consciousness
that they have brought to their music...

has totally redefined
the level of excellence of rap.

So with no further adieu,
I'd like to bring to you...

Off the label DefJam Records...

here's Public Enemy and Ice Cube!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

Oh, yeah, in the house.
You know we got Ice Cube.

And you know that
I'm down with the P.E.

Hey, yo, Chuck, why don't you
kick it to 'em one time, G.

♪ No w*r for all. I got a letter
from the government the other day ♪

♪ I opened and read it
It said they was suckers ♪

♪ They wanted me
for the army or whatever ♪

♪ Picture me giving a damn
I said never ♪

- ♪ Terminator X ♪
- ♪ Come on, y'all. Let's rock the house ♪

- ♪ From Terminator X in the
valley of the cheap beats ♪
- ♪ Pump it up, y'all ♪

- ♪ Here we go ♪
- ♪ Yo, Chuck Ki-Kick, k-k-kick it ♪

♪ I try to teach and reach
I drop bombs with a little flow ♪

♪ Rippin' 'em back when I say yo ♪

♪ If you can't get
Don't sit, get up ♪

♪ As the world turns
some sucker learns ♪

♪ As one quits, another hit
Ain't this a trip ♪

♪ That's why I'm known as
strong upon the microphone ♪

♪ And then they try
to hang me dry ♪

♪ But then it's do or die when they
don't give you a reason why ♪

♪ They be sweatin', forgettin'
they appointed us ♪

♪ Damn disgusting
They be tearin' up the joint ♪

♪ If there wasn't music to use
on a flex and go stylin' ♪

♪ Terminator X
buck wildin' ♪

♪ That's right, y'all
We're gonna fight the power ♪

♪ , no w*r for all
Come on ♪

- ♪ Kick it ♪
- ♪ Come on, go ♪

- ♪ Everybody throw your arms
in the air like this ♪
- ♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

- ♪ Everybody throw your arms
in the air like this ♪
- ♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Everybody say "oh" ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Say "oh" ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Say "oh, oh" ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh ♪
- ♪ Ohhh ♪

- ♪ Somebody say fight the power ♪
- ♪ Fight the power ♪

♪ Power for now, get down
Fight the power ♪

- ♪ Everybody say fight the power ♪
- ♪ Fight the power ♪

♪ Power to the people
Say damn ♪

- ♪ Fight the power
Somebody say fight the power ♪
- ♪ Fight the power ♪

♪ Power for now
Fight the power ♪

- ♪ Everybody say fight the power ♪
- ♪ Fight the power ♪

♪ Yeah, we got to fight
the powers that be, yo ♪

- ♪ Elvis was a hero to most ♪
- ♪ What ♪

- ♪ Elvis was a hero to most ♪
- ♪ What ♪

♪ Elvis was a hero to most
But he never meant... to me ♪

♪ You see, straight-out r*cist
the sucker was simple and plain ♪

♪ Mother... him
and John Wayne ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm black and I'm proud
and hyped plus I'm amped ♪

♪ Most of my heroes
don't appear on no stamps ♪

♪ Sample a look back
You look and find nothin' ♪

♪ But rednecks for years
if you check ♪

- ♪ Don't worry, be happy ♪
- Was our number-one jam ♪

♪ Damn if I say it
You can slap me right here ♪

- ♪ Get it ♪
- ♪ Let's get this party started right ♪

- ♪ Right on ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪

♪ What we got to say ♪

♪ Power to the people
No delay ♪

♪ Make everybody see ♪

♪ In order to fight
the powers that be ♪

- ♪ Hit me ♪
- ♪ Go, go, Flava ♪

- ♪ Come on, yo ♪
- ♪ Go, Flava ♪

[Yells]
♪ Go, Flava, go, Flava ♪

♪ Go, Flava, go, Flava ♪

♪ Yo, they're not gonna
turn you down on this show ♪

♪ Going, going, gone
Now I dialed ♪♪