02x13 - January 13, 1991

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

[Audience Applauding, Cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Thank you. Thank you.
Welcome to the show.

Um, they left again.

Get back here.
Come here.

The Fly Girls,
ladies and gentlemen.

[Audience Applauding, Cheering]

How about a hand
for my deejay, SW ?

All right. Well, once again,
it's our turn to make you laugh...

so sit back
for about a half.

We'll get into trouble.
See ya.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

[All Chattering]

Commissioner, why did Arizona say no
to the Martin Luther King holiday?

Well, uh, as you know...

we put it to the voters...

and they voted it down, uh,
% to %.

- Will the Super Bowl be held here?
- And what about the Fiesta Bowl?

Isn't it true Arizona faces a total boycott
of black athletes and celebrities?

Why, no, that's not true at all.
As a matter of fact...

we have two well-known black celebrities
who have agreed to be our spokesmen...

men who have their finger on the pulse
of the black community.

I'd like to introduce them now. Here are
Tom and Tom, the Brothers brothers.

- Yee-haw!
- Yippie-ki-yay!

- Hey, bro, give me five!
- Uh, that's all I've got.

I hope you return it!

Oh, how about
our instruments, eh?

Thank you, gents.

- Kick it off, Tom.
- ♪♪ [Western]

♪ Come to Arizona
the Grand Canyon state ♪

♪ And don't be put off
by this racial debate ♪

♪ The folks here aren't r*cist
I know this is true ♪

♪ They still show TheJeffersons
on channel two ♪♪

Excuse me. We didn't come here
to see a nightclub act.

I still wanna know why Arizona
doesn't have a King holiday.

Well, why should we give
Don King a holiday?

I mean, he can't even
comb his hair straight!

That's right. I mean, he's made some great
advancements in the world of boxing, but...

We're talking about
Martin Luther King.

- Who?
- Is... Is he any relation...

to Alan King or Stephen King
or BillieJean King?

The civil rights leader!

- Martin...
- King.

- Ah! Abernathy's friend! Sure, sure!
- Oh, yeah.

Well, he was certainly
a nice gentlemen, but, um...

I guess just another holiday
would be so inconvenient.

I mean, the banks would be closed,
you couldn't get your mail. You know.

Exactly. And I don't think
that's how he would have wanted it.

- No.
- I mean, l... I've got it.

I say we celebrate
from midnight to : a.m.

I mean, after all, isn't that what
he's famous for... having a dream?

That's right.
He had a dream.

Or we could just have a...
a white sale or something.

- That's a great idea. I'd be there.
- I'm sure you would.

But don't you think the Arizona voters
were insensitive?

- Insensitive, my left boot.
- Come on.

I mean, Arizonians are always looking
for a way to help you out.

Why, the police pulled us over three times just
to make sure we knew where we were going.

- That's right.
- They even gave us this
great, big hug around the neck.

Wouldn't let go.

I mean, we thought we were gonna die
from all the affection!

Yeah. You've still got some burns
around your neck from all that affection.

- So don't give me any of that
doohickey nonsense!
- Tom, watch your mouth.

- No, I'm tired of this frankenturtle bull dookey.
- Ow!

I've never heard him talk
like this before.

- You talk about hospitality.
I'm gonna tell 'em about last night.
- Tell 'em about last night.

We get home late last night,
and I'll be gosh darned if the Arizonians...

didn't light a nice, big fire on our lawn
so we could find our keys.

Yes, they did.

♪ So it's hidey-hey
and a-yippie-ki-yay ♪

♪ We love Arizona
and we're here to say ♪

♪ Please don't think the worst
of the average gent ♪

♪ 'Cause they're not all bigots
Just fifty percent ♪

♪ 'Cause they're not all bigots
Just fifty percent ♪♪

- Good white!
- Good white, everybody!

Yee-haw!

[Man Narrating]
K- Tel presents the man of the Middle East...

the Elvis of Akaba,
Johnny Abdul.!

♪♪ [Rock And Roll]

Every amazing hit he's ever sung is now
included in this new dual-album set.

Unforgettable hits like
"You Ain't Nothin'But A Hostage."

♪♪ [Mock Middle East Singing]

And if you act now, you'll get
"Kuwait a Minute, Mr. Postman,"

"Stairway to Mecca," "Beirut Suede Shoes,"
"Heartbreak Hussein,"

"Papa's Got a Brand New Baghdad,"
"I Left My Hand in San Francisco."

And who could forget
his beautiful love ballad...

"Love Me Tender
Or Die Slowly"?

♪♪ [Mock Middle East Singing]

- ♪♪ [Ballad]
- ♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

And, of course,
his biggest hit ever...

the show-stopping
"Iraq Around the Clock."

♪♪ [Mock Middle East Singing]

All these hits
and many, many more.

Send $ . to...

[Middle Eastern Accent]
Are you ready to rock?

♪♪ [Ululating]

[Chattering]

Except for Vincent Van Gogh.
Isn't that amazing?

Oh, there are the children
I told you about.

They are so cute.

It's gonna be very difficult to decide
which one to adopt, honey.

- Isn't it, though?
- Come on, Mom and Dad. Let's go.

Come on, man, I already got my stuff packed.
The car's running. Let's go! Chop, chop.

Or is it more like a European thing,
you guys... uh, Mama and Papa?

Or do we have one of those postmodern
child-parent relationships, huh, Ted, Anne?

- Who are you?
- George is one of our older children.

- How old is George?
- He's .

- And he'd better start acting his age!
- Yes, Miss Claw.

You mean he's been waiting
years to get adopted?

You know, some children
are just slower to adopt than others.

Well, you know, I've been waiting
for the right parents... you.

[Imitates Dog Whining]

Look, I'm gonna leave you two here to get
acquainted with the other children, okay?

- Yeah.
- George, leave the Gleasons alone.

- [Groans] Yes, Miss Claw.
- Hey.

Look at this little guy.
I think he's gonna be a basketball star.

Slam-dunkin' it!

Where's your five year old now, man?
You're eaten up, that's where.

All right. Who's next?
Come on, Pop. One-to-one. Let's go.

- Uh, George...
- Come on, man.!

I think we're just gonna take
a little look around, all right?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- See... S-See Spot...

- Here's a smart little guy.
He's already learning to read.
- Yeah.

"He slowly moved his hand
down her thigh.

She quivered in ecstasy."

S-See Spot r-r...

I think the word that the little genius
is looking for is "run"!

- Honey, think of how much we could teach him.
- Yeah.

Man, you can teach me.
Come on.

"A," "B," uh, "D"...

- Come on, man, help me out.
I don't know what's next.
- George, George...

it's obvious that you're
a very talented man.

- Gifted, even.
- Thank you.

But, you see,
we want to adopt a child...

- someone who will do all the
little things a child can do.
- [Baby Crying]

Oh, honey.
Let's adopt a baby.

Look, she's drooling.
That's so adorable.

Adorable?
What, you think drooling is adorable?

- You're gonna love this.
- What are you doing?

Uh-oh, I think someone
just had a little accident.

- Dad, I think I'm gonna have to...
- Don't even think about it!

Stand up.

What do you want from us?

L... I just wanna...

have what
everybody else had...

a mommy and a daddy
who'll love them.

And just a small chance...

for the happiness
I never knew.

Yale School of Drama, .

- You're a lunatic.
- You know, it's funny.
My ex-wife once said that too.

- Your ex-wife?
- That's it! We're taking this one.

- Let's go.
- Don't try to follow us, George.

There they are.

- George, stay away from the Ericksons.
- Yes, Miss Claw.

Mom! Dad!
Or is it kind of like a street thing?

Yo, Mom! Yo, Pop!
What's up?

Boy-ee!

Love ya.

♪♪ [SultryJazz]

Hi. You must be
Velma Mulholland.

That's right, kid.
Got a cigarette, Johnny?

No, I don't smoke.
Sorry.

Stick around, bright boy.
I'll teach ya a few things.

Oh, really? Well, uh, listen,
my name is actually Eddie.

Eddie, Johnny,
kid, bright boy...

It's a big world out there.
What's in a name?

That's hip.
Um...

Listen, my man Steve
told me a lot about you.

Said you're a party girl
and you're kind of old-fashioned.

Lies, all lies,
I tell you.

Sure, maybe I hung with the wrong crowd and
skipped Sunday school, but I'm not all bad.

No. He said good things
about you. He said that...

you know, besides you lookin' good,
he said that, you know...

you worked at the five and , got a jobsky
and, you know, you like old movies.

Sure, I see a picture show
now and again.

It helps to pass the time when your heart's
been broken in so many pieces...

it feels as though you'll never
see the light of day.

Hey, uh, why don't we just
talk all this over over dinner...

and some movies
or something?

- Aw, Johnny, you're a sweet kid.
- I am?

But don't you see?
It'd never work.

I'm no good for ya, Johnny. I'd be trouble from
the word go. Hell, my middle name is trouble.

But not you, Johnny.
You've got a shot at something really big.

You're gonna make
something of yourself.

I'm gonna be somebody?

Johnny, don't you see?
We're from two different worlds.

You're real top-drawer,
head of the list, cream of the crop.

I'm nothing but a washed-up has-been
workin' in a dime-a-dance saloon.

Steve said you worked
at the five and .

Five and ,
dime-a-dance.

Can't ya see, Johnny, I'm trying to knock
some sense into that lunkhead of yours.

I'm no good for you.
No good, I tell you.

Oh, Johnny, you deserve that stone cottage
with the picket fence and the shady oak tree.

If you stick around with me, kid, they'll
ruin your life just like they've ruined mine.

Hey, look, is it
the black-and-white thing?

- Because you should've said that up front.
- All right, Johnny.

You've forced me to say it.

I hate you.

You hear me? I hate you.
I hate you! I despise you!

If I never see that puppy dog face
around here again, it'll be too soon.

Now beat it.
Scram!

I'd better get out of here, 'cause you can't
be hittin' a brother like that.

Johnny!

Johnny!

That's right, Johnny.

Save yourself.

Run just as fast
as your legs will carry you.

Run to the ends of the earth if you have to,
only don't look back...

because I won't be here.

But I love you,
ya big palooka!

Here we are.
Funky Finger Productions.

We are now in business.

- [Man] Hello.
- Oh. L-Look busy.

- Okay.
- [Together] Conference call.

Now, don't
get me wrong, now.

Nell Carter is a gigantic talent.
Humongous.

But look here.
What we're looking for, home skillet...

is somebody who looks
like Cicely Tyson...

and sings like Peabo Bryson,
ya know?

Quincy, Stop playin'.
Fresh Prince is gonna be all right.

This here's long-distance.

I'm here
to hook up your phones.

Now, ain't that a blip?

Excuse me. I thought
we had a bad connection.

Finally, I found you!

Ah, Mr. Iritani.
Look here.

I'm Clavell,
and this here's my partner.

Howard Tibbs III.
How you feelin'?

- Look just like Al Green.
- Don't he?

[Together]
And we are Funky Finger Productions!

Now look here. Let me give you
one of my business cards.

You know, I'm fresh out.
Howard?

Bam!

Look here.
Pay no attention to this...

because that's my mother's
recipe for succotash, all right?

This is my sister Clorine's number
on the back in pink crayon.

Okay? Give her a call anytime.
She down with it.

But look here, if her boyfriend Beaudrow
answers, you just better hang up.

Listen, guys.
I want my car.

Now, look here. You seemed a little
attitudinal with our unctuous behavior...

when you met us
outside of Spago's last night.

Now, dig that. But that valet gig
is just a way for us to spot new talent.

That's right. You know,
I didn't want to bring this up, chief...

but you forgot to tip me,
ya know?

A tip? You gave me the keys
to the wrong car.

Look, I just came here to get my Mercedes,
and I want it now.

Now, we know you Japanese
bought up Columbia and Universal...

And it's not that we ain't down with
the Asians. "Arigate."

But we figured it was only a matter of time
before y'all came after Funky Finger.

- Dig that.
- I thought I explained to you last night...

that I'm not
in show business.

Well, that ain't nothing but a meatball.
Excuse me.

'Cause we got a sweet deal for you.
You won't believe this.

Sit down, brother. Howard, it's time
to unveil our marketing plan.

Bam!

All right, now.
Now, say we sign a major artist...

like a, uh,
Freddy Fender.

Okay?
Sign him for a record deal.

- For how much?
- A ducat.

Sell every record
for how much?

A million records,
that makes a million ducats.

Say what?

Freddy Fender's right on top with
David Cassidy. You hear what I'm saying?

- Look, I'm not interested in record deals.
- Movie deal!

- I just want my car!
- Movies. See?

Now, look here, homey.
What we got here...

is a sure-fire
box office smash-ola.

Now, see, it's a cross between
The Poseidon Adventure and Dirty Dancing.

See, we think the time is right
for a, uh, water ballet disaster film.

Clavey, give him the goods,
could ya?

I'm just gonna give him a taste.
Gotta pay for the rest.

Oh, you're gonna
leave me hangin'.

Ain't that right?

Okay. We're rollin', homey.
Oh, no! It's a tidal wave!

Come on, now. Pull back.
See? There it goes!

There it goes. See?

I'm drowning, but I'm dancing. Look here.
I'm drowning, but I'm dancing.

Look at this here.

I'm drownin', but I'm dancin'.
I'm drownin'.

- He's sellin'this one, chief.
- I'm dancin'!

And Godzilla can be
implemented quite easily...

- as you can see.
- I knew you'd love that.

Your five minutes is up.

I just want my car,
or I'll call the police.

- Hey, you ain't gotta do that!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Look here!

We got the contracts in our Pinto,
right next to the Cheez Doodles.

Look here. Shall we give Bruce Lee
a little taste on the sound track?

Just a little tiny bit.
♪♪ [Vocalizing]

- ♪ I'm dancin' ♪
- ♪ I'm drownin' ♪

♪ I'm dancin'
I'm drownin ♪

Temptations walk.

Get it.
Drop down in the pocket.

And this one's
for free, homey.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

Blood pressure's stable
at over .

Doc! How's my partner?
Is he gonna pull through?

He's in pretty bad shape.
Take a look for yourself.

Oh, my God!

Look... Look, Doc...

do whatever you gotta do, man,
but please make him whole again!

- We can rebuild him. We have the technology.
- Thank God.

It's gonna cost you
six million dollars.

Six million dollars? The department
doesn't have that kind of money!

- Fifteen thousand.
- Look.

I got um,
, , , ...

, , um, .

All right?
That's . .

I can't promise anything,
but we'll try.

He'll be a lot shorter
and a little slower...

- but at least he'll be alive.
- Thanks, man.

We gotta get you
out of here.

Hang in there, partner.

[Man Narrating] Coming this spring
to a theater near you...

The Head
always gets his man.!

Let's just forget it, man.
He's too far away. We'll never catch him.

- Throw me at him.
- What?

Just throw me at him.
I can do it.

- No way, man. Too dangerous.
- Just do it!

Aah!
Watch my brain!

- Way to go, Head.!
- Freeze, slimeball!

Don't make me chase you
any further.

[Narrator]
And women find him irresistible.

Yes! You've got incredible hands
and feet, you animal, you.

Oh, Detective Head...

I never dreamed
it could be like this.

Well, you know what they say, baby...
It's not what a man's got...

it's how he uses it
that counts.

- [Sighing]
- Stop tickling my feet.

[Narrator]
The Head Detective.

Coming this spring
to a theater near you.

Thank you for hanging out
one more time.

Taking us home tonight,
Motown recording artist Rich Nice.

Oh, yeah.
Here we go. Come on.

Clap your hands. Everybody.
Come on, clap.

Clap your hands like this.
All the ladies check it out.

You know what?

♪♪ [Rapping]

All the ladies in the house tonight,
check this out. Come on.

- All the ladies say, "Ow."
- Ow!

Say, "Ow, ow."

- Everybody say, "Rich Nice."
- Rich Nice!

- Say, "Rich Nice."
- Rich Nice!

- Say, "Rich Nice."
- Rich Nice!

- Now, scream!
- [Screaming]

Just wave them hands like this. Everybody.
Come on. Wave them hands.

That's right. Come on.
Just wave them hands.

Everybody, let me hear you say,
"We came to the party."

- We came to the party.
- Check it out.

For In Living Color,
we gonna break it down like this.

We go one, you go two.
Check it out.

One, two, three...
Break it down.

Oh, yeah. Check it out.
Everybody in the house...

let me hear you say,
"In Living Color."

In Living Color.

Everybody say,
"In Living Color." Come on!

In Living Color.

Come on, clap.
Clap your hands. Come on.

Come on, clap. Clap your hands.
Everybody say...